Genre: Sci-fi/Fantasy
Premise: A down-on-her-luck maid gets kidnapped by aliens, only to discover that she’s the heir to an intergalactic fortune that includes earth itself.
About: Jupiter Ascending was supposed to be the Wachowski Siblings big comeback. Once considered the heir to movie geekdom, replacing an aging George Lucas, the duo have struggled to find a single hit since their Matrix franchise ended in 2003. Their efforts have included the bouncy curiosity that was Speed Racer, the ambitious art-house flavored Cloud Atlas, and now Jupiter Ascending, which made 19 million dollars this weekend after having a reported budget of 175 million. You could argue that this is the Wachowski’s 5th bad film in a row, as the two Matrix sequels were considered by many to be disappointments. It’s unclear where the Wachowskis go from here. They’re still a name, but “Jupiter” solidified that they’re not in tune with the public anymore. They have Sense 8 coming out on Netflix, which I’m sure will look amazing. But I read that pilot and it’s plagued with the same issues that have destroyed all of their movies, including Jupiter.
Writers: Andy and Lana Wachowski
Details: 127 minutes

No matter how misguided the Wachowskis get, I still root for them. The Matrix changed the way I looked at movies. I thought, like many others, that the Wachowskis were going to be responsible for nine or ten classic science fiction films by the time it was all said and done.

But it just goes to show how quickly fortunes can change in this business. M. Night was being trumpeted as the next Spielberg during this time as well. And we’ve seen how both careers have panned out. Although I give the Wachowskis credit. They at least take chances. I thought Cloud Atlas was a mess, but it was like Picasso painting after a heavy night of drinking. It was never going to be a true Picasso. But you still needed to see the end product.

Here’s the funny thing. The issue that has ruined all of the Wachowskis’ films since The Matrix is the exact same. And if they fixed just this ONE THING, they’d still be churning out classics. I don’t know if it’s ignorance or bullheadedness that convinces them to keep writing this way. But I’m hoping at some point they figure it out. Because they can still be great.

So, a quick plot breakdown of Jupiter Ascending… A young Russian maid, Jupiter (Mila Kunis), is attacked by some aliens who want her dead for reasons unknown. Enter Caine (Channing Tatum) a pointy-eared quarter wolf, quarter eagle-creature, quarter bounty hunter type person guy, who rescues Jupiter just before she’s assassinated.

Caine informs Jupiter that she’s really a member of one of the richest families in the universe. Enter some bounty hunters who steal Jupiter from Caine and bring her across the universe to her true family, where she’s asked to marry some dude who will, in turn, protect earthlings from any future alien attacks.

Turns out the dude – big surprise – was going to kill Jupiter right after he married her, so that he could inherit the earth and all its juicy human occupants. Caine swoops back into the picture to save Jupiter again (there’s a lot of saving in this movie) just as some galaxy cloud starts collapsing and destroying the rich family’s city. Caine and Jupiter escape just in time, fall in love, and Caine earns his wings for saving royalty or something.

The above is an EXTREMELY simplified version of the story. And the reason I bring that up is because this is why Jupiter Ascending doesn’t work. It’s the same reason that the Matrix sequels didn’t work, which is the same reason that Cloud Atlas didn’t work, which is the same reason Sense 8 (their Netflix TV show) didn’t work.

The Wachowskis actually make one of the most amateur mistakes a screenwriter can make. They over-complicate their narratives. How are the Wachowskis making a beginner-level mistake when they’ve been writing for 25 years? Simple. EGO. They believe they’re good enough to overcome it. And they’re not. They’ve proven this time and time again now.

Here’s the funny thing. If they stopped at over-plotting, their movies would at least be decent. Audiences would leave them and nod to each other – “That wasn’t bad.” But the Wachowskis aren’t satisfied unless they suck every ounce of entertainment marrow from their films – so they add ELABORATE MYTHOLOGY to the mix as well.

Do you know what you get when you add elaborate mythology to over-complication? You get Dune. You get disaster. Because it doesn’t matter how talented you are. If every scene is a fight just to make sense of where we are in the story, nobody’s enjoying themselves.

I’d estimate that 75% of Jupiter Ascending is either setting up plot or explaining mythology. This is the hidden price you pay when you write an exposition-heavy screenplay (lots of plot, lots of backstory, lots of mythology). Even if you pull off a seamless steady feed of information that doesn’t scream “Exposition Time!” to the audience, you’re still paying the price on the back end.

That’s because for every scene needed for exposition, you have one less scene to tell your actual story.

In an ideal world, of course, you’d do both. Move story and exposition along concurrently. But that becomes impossible if you’ve saddled yourself with mountains of exposition to convey in the first place.

You can see this happen all over Jupiter Ascending. For example, the Bad Guy asks Jupiter if she’ll marry him. And then FOUR SCENES LATER they’re having the wedding. How can a wedding feel important to an audience if we only just heard about it ten pages ago? It can’t.

How did the writers get themselves into such a predicament?  Well, they needed roughly 8 exposition-only scenes throughout the script to set up the information required to make a proposal make sense.  A scene to explain why Jupiter is an alien if she was born on earth.  Three scenes to explain who this weird King of the Universe family was.  And four more scenes of blah blah blah blah blah.  If you’re running on the ratio of 2 exposition scenes to set up every 1 scene of story, your script is probably in trouble.

Then there’s this bizarre scene mid-way through the story where Jupiter comes on to Caine in a jail cell. Up until that point, neither Jupiter nor Caine had shown any interest in one another. Now all of a sudden she wants him?? Again, this scene was forced in there awkwardly because there wasn’t anywhere earlier in the screenplay to build the chemistry up. Why? Because they were using it for exposition! Because they plagued themselves with an overly-complicated story in the first place.

Let me leave this review with some advice for any writers of sci-fi – particularly those who are going for something with a giant scope like Jupiter Ascending.

Cut out EVERY SINGLE SHRED of fat you see.

These information-heavy screenplays are always going to be a challenge for readers. So you want to make things as easy as possible for them. As a writer, you have a tendency to be precious about the details. You want that reader to know that you know EVERYTHING about your universe. But if it doesn’t affect the story, ditch it. The reader will thank you.

There’s this scene early on in Jupiter Ascending where an entire page of screenplay is dedicated to WHAT Caine is (he’s some sort of “lycan” werewolf thing with wings). That information was irrelevant compared to WHO Caine was. What was his job? Why was he after Jupiter? THAT was the relevant information we needed in order to enjoy the story. Yet because we were being confused by this pointless Lycan Werewolf crap, we were never clear on what Caine did. And it was all because the Wachowskis wanted to prove to us how much thought they’d put into Caine’s backstory. WHO CARES! Do you realize how much freaking information you’ve thrown at us so far??? Don’t continue to give us meaningless info. Just tell us what we need to in order to enjoy the story and that’s it. Nobody told me Yoda’s backstory when we met him and I was fine.

But really, the bigger takeaway here, is to avoid writing a movie where you have to spend 75% of the running time explaining things. The more explaining you’re doing, the less the reader can sit back and enjoy themselves. Some exposition is always going to be necessary. But never underestimate the power of simplicity in storytelling.

[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: There are two kinds of exposition. The first is FUN exposition. This is exposition that, when revealed, is interesting and cool and imaginative. Learning about The Matrix and how it worked and what it allowed its occupants to do – THAT WAS FUN! Then there’s WORK exposition. This is exposition that requires a lot of WORK from the reader, as they’ll have to suffer through a lot of boring details and logistics in order to enjoy other parts of the story. Readers will suffer through work exposition for a little while. But if it keeps coming, they will eventually lose interest and tune out. This is the very definition of the exposition that plagues Jupiter Ascending. Always pick a story that allows you to give more fun exposition than work exposition if possible.

I’ll start today’s Amateur Offerings out by offering a couple of tips.  It’s funny because the things I assume are common sense are mistakes I keep seeing over and over again.  First, when you’re submitting a script anywhere, don’t start your e-mail with “To Whom It May Concern.” Know where and who you’re sending your script to and address them personally. In a world where people are so busy that they’re looking for every excuse to say no, an informal greeting gurantees your query won’t be read. In addition to this, please know the difference between words like “it’s” and “its” and “who’s” and “whose.” I will, without hesitation, dismiss these queries as soon as I read the misused word. This may seem cruel. But my experiences have taught me that these are always the sloppiest scripts.  Okay, here are this week’s contenders!  Read and tell us what you think in the comments.

Title: New Coke
Genre: Comedy/Drama
Premise: In 1985 the Coca-Cola company made the epicallly boneheaded decision to discontinue its original flavor in favor of a newer, sweeter one. A national nightmare ensued, which forever changed the destinies of three southern families.
Why You Should Read: It’s a mostly true story about one of the most fascinating marketing cases of modern times. Yes, it could be considered a long commercial for Coca-Cola, but it worked out for “The Lego Movie”, didn’t it?

Title: Wars of Eternal Spring
Genre: Martial arts/Asian epic
Logline: A rebellious-minded woman in ancient China seeks the help of Shaolin to save her village from a love-obsessed General and his bloodthirsty Captain.
Why You Should Read:  I’m a 44 year-old soccer mom who secretly loves kung fu. There are a lot of us out there – sneaking into Man of Tai Chi after the lights go down; snagging a $5 copy of Ip Man at 2nd & Charles so the Netflix queue stays “clean.” Every day we chauffeur, tend, cook, coordinate and cajole while desperately longing to settle things with a swift scorpion kick.

“Wars of Eternal Spring” took shape after the perfect storm of a “fu-binge,” Robert Downey, Jr. interview and spur-of-the-moment Google on “Wing Chun style.” Not long afterwards I read that Keanu Reeves was looking for his “next story” to direct. Filling needs is practically my raison d’etre these days, so the off-hand words of a man I’m never likely to meet were more than enough to fuel a feeble flame and get writing.

I gave myself a year. I even told my therapist. In between writing bouts I read screenplays and books on creative processes, story structure and character development. I searched high and low for a critique group. All the while I worked, re-worked and started to get a sense of how much time, realistically, writing anything worthwhile takes.

I believe that the biggest room in the world is the room for improvement. Your professional, experienced review would go a long way toward helping me do that. Thanks in advance for your consideration.

Title: Lights On The Lake
Genre: Sci-Fi Thriller
Logline: When a young woman fails to convince a small town that a former Nazi scientist is responsible for the death of her husband, she decides to destroy the menace herself.
Why you should read: I’ve spent a few years researching MK-Ultra and other Cold War mind control experiments from the early-1950’s. What I found most fascinating was the shadowy personnel employed by the government agencies as well as the strong resistance of the local populations, even though many of them where being completely misled by authorities.

Title: West Carver High
Genre: Horror
Logline: After all the teachers of a small-town high school disappear out of thin air, the students find themselves trapped in the building with man-eating wendigos… and no one is coming to save them.
Why You Should Read: You know what I hate in horror films? Dumb teenagers. I’d like to think this script is mostly absent of that, at least as far as “hey guys let’s put ourselves in danger because reasons!” I also wanted to capture how a group of teenagers would react in the face of an extraordinary, otherworldly event with no adult oversight. In this case, much of the student body reacts in a horrifying way: by building and supporting a monstrous social hierarchy just as threatening as the “real” monsters hiding in the school. I pitch it as in the vein of THE SHINING and LORD OF THE FLIES. Oh, and one more thing: an older draft of this made the semi finals in the Creative World Awards — so I’d love your perspective to help bring this script to the next level. Thank you!

Title: Condemned
Genre: Horror
Premise: Controlled-demolition experts tasked with bringing down an eerie grand hotel awaken the deadly supernatural force inside, putting them into a fight for their lives to escape (It’s the Overlook Hotel from THE SHINING meets explosive experts).
Why you should read: Since our last Amateur Friday appearance, we’ve been working hard to hone our craft and learn from our shortcomings on THE HOSTAGE. Have we made forward progress? We’re hoping Scriptshadow fans would like to know! Our latest collaboration, CONDEMNED, works in the same low-budget horror realm as THE HOSTAGE, but (hopefully) has richer characters and more satisfying surprises. Is the second time the charm? (Although, to be clear, the first time was definitely a charm–Scriptshadow got that script optioned.

Get Your Script Reviewed On Scriptshadow!: To submit your script for an Amateur Review, send in a PDF of your script, along with the title, genre, logline, and finally, something interesting about yourself and/or your script that you’d like us to post along with the script if reviewed. Use my submission address please: Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Remember that your script will be posted. If you’re nervous about the effects of a bad review, feel free to use an alias name and/or title. It’s a good idea to resubmit every couple of weeks so your submission stays near the top.

Genre: Comedy
Premise (from writer): A dysfunctional family must band together to save their outcast daughter from marrying into a cult.
Why You Should Read (from writer): My name is Allison Raskin and I’ve been a fan of the site for years. I graduated from USC’s screenwriting program in May 2011. I’ve been lucky enough to snag a manager (after working as his assistant for a year) but he hasn’t done anything in terms of my writing (instead I go out on audition for roles I’m not pretty enough for because my headshot is misleading). If my logline sounds familiar, it’s because there was a 2008 blacklist script with a similar logline (APOSTLES OF INFINITE LOVE). I wasn’t aware of this until I was halfway through my first draft. I also wasn’t aware that my management company is the one trying to produce it…Despite these obstacles I decide to continue because it was a story I really wanted to tell. Hopefully it will be a story you want to read.
Writer: Allison Raskin
Details: 103 pages

I realize this goes against ethnicity in the script, but Gina Rodriquez for Jenny?

I feel like some of you are holding back on the amateur submissions lately because you’re saving your scripts for The Scriptshadow 250 Contest. Getting your script reviewed here is actually going to IMPROVE your chances of getting into The Scriptshadow 250 since any script good enough to get a review will definitely get into the contest. Also, there isn’t another place on the internet that helps a script get better than Amateur Friday. You not only get feedback from me, but from a group of really smart people who put a lot of time and effort into giving thoughtful notes. After a review here, your script is going to be so much better going into my contest. So keep those submissions coming!

I picked this script today because a few of you personally e-mailed me to tell me you liked it. I also think it’s interesting to review scripts from writers who have representation (“Anonymous” is a huge management company) but haven’t yet broken out. I also love giving female writers a shot since it’s a little harder for them to get a leg up in this male-dominated industry. So let’s take a look!

20 year-old Jenny is going to school at an obscure college in California, light years away from her weird family, which you can probably guess is planned. Jenny is a chubby sci-fi loving nerd who aches for any kind of attention, and secretly wishes that her family will finally wake up and realize how important she is to them.

So it probably isn’t a surprise that when mini-celebrity sci-fi author Bozeltus shows up at her bookstore, she falls in love with him. Unfortunately, Bozletus has a little L. Ron Hubbard in him, and has created his own religion based on his books. Still, when he asks Jenny to marry him, she’s so happy that someone’s finally given her the time of day, she says yes.

When the fam finds this out, they decide to make a cross-country trip to save Jenny, but they’re so ignorant of her life, that finding her proves to be a lot harder than they expected. You’ve got the selfish mom, the selfish hot older sister, the sister who has since had a sex-change and is now the brother, the dad (who’s just been diagnosed with MS), and the pretty sister’s new psychologist boyfriend, the only level-headed member of the group.

The script is really about the family learning who they are during the trip, with the occasional cut back to Jenny at the compound. It’s back there where Jenny learns that Bozeltus keeps everybody high or drunk so they’re easier to control, he’s already married to several other women at the compound, and, oh yeah, the consummation of their marriage is going to happen in front of all the members.

As Jenny becomes more and more nervous about her decision, her family races to get to her before L. Ron makes her his galaxy queen. But can the family figure out their own issues in time to do so? And will they finally realize that it was their fault that Jenny got into this situation in the first place? Read the script to find out!

WHAT I LIKED
The script has a great energy to it. Even if you’re not a fan of the sense of humor being used, you can appreciate the way the comedy pops along. The main character is original – a 20 year old female who loves science-fiction books. I don’t run into many characters like that. Overall, the family was very colorful and unique. A common complaint in most amateur screenplays is that the characters all sound the same. That’s not the case here. Everyone definitely sounds and acts differently. And finally, this isn’t an empty comedy premise. We’re exploring something here – broken families and the importance of love, attention, and support.

THE FIRST ACT
The first act moved too slowly. I’m not sure the opening flashback where a 13 year-old Jenny is bombing at her bat mitzvah is needed. Maybe if it was funnier I’d keep it – but the comedy was very straightforward – a girl is a bad singer at her bat mitzvah. A comedy has to take a funny idea and find a fresh angle on it. This was pretty standard stuff and I don’t know if it deserves the most important section of real estate in the screenplay – the first five pages. I actually tell a lot of writers to get rid of these opening flashback scenes and they often come back to me saying, “But then you don’t know how bad her family life is. I need to establish that” The thing is, we get that her family relationship is bad in the very next scene, when Jenny calls home and the family doesn’t give a shit. In that moment, we can imagine that there was a shitty bat mitzvah (or something like it) without having to spend 3 pages on it. Never underestimate how much you can convey to the reader in a very short amount of time. Getting rid of this scene also allows you to set up Jenny’s adult life better, since you can jump right into it.

SIMILAR SCENES IN THE OPENING ACT ARE DEATH
There are either two or three scenes in the opening 15 pages with Jenny sitting somewhere alone. They each have something a little different going on in them, but they’re generally the same thing – Jenny is sitting alone proving she’s a loner without friends. We don’t need you to show us that three times, especially since each time is so static (character sitting down being lonely). Especially early on, you want to show movement. For example, if you want to show how much Jenny loves sci-fi books, maybe instead of showing her reading one (boring) she’s at a bookstore trying to hunt down a rare print of one of her favorite books (note: to Allison’s credit, she did have a scene with Jenny in the car listening to a sci-fi audiobook – but the scene still wasn’t necessary. There was nothing going on in it that told us something we didn’t know through these other scenes – that she’s a sci-fi book nerd).  This is actually a great opportunity to combine scenes.  Why not combine the scene where she’s calling her family with the scene where she’s listening to her audiobook in her car?

THE COMEDY
I don’t love to give comedy advice since comedy is subjective and my own sense of humor is a little left-of-center, but I wanted to make a couple of observations about the comedy here. First, I don’t think “on-the-nose” comedy is a great option. I suppose it can be used ironically but I’m not sure that’s what’s happening here. Giving a character the name “Buzzkill Jones?” Wouldn’t it be funnier if he’s got a regular name and, through his actions and dialogue, you show him to be the biggest buzzkill ever? Also, I’d be careful about featuring debilitating diseases in comedy. It’s not that they can’t be funny. And I know 50/50 did okay. But it’s typically something people find more depressing than funny. Remember that you’re a writer. And therefore you have the power to do ANYTHING. That means hitting the same joke without bringing people down. Why, for example, can’t the father go online and self-diagnose himself and become convinced (without any medical knowledge whatsoever) that he has MS? Now you can play with him reacting to what he thinks the disease is doing to him. He can accelerate through all the stages during the trip. That’d be my advice.

JENNY
I wasn’t the biggest fan of Jenny because she seemed so needy. Whenever you write a main character, consider how that character would be received in real life, and you’ll get a pretty good indication of how they might be received by readers/viewers. The way Jenny hangs up the parent phone call after they forgot her birthday and says to herself: “Happy birthday to me.” Or when she hears about how another character’s mom smothered him, you write: “She’d kill to be smothered.” It’s so desperately needy. I understand that you need to convince the reader why she would marry a cult leader, but that doesn’t 100% excuse it. I think you need to calibrate the situation here and look for a way to get the same point across without jeopardizing our support of your hero. For example, you can use “offset traits” – positive traits you can give characters to offset their negative vibe. Or, you can find another personality trait to hit with Jenny (low self-esteem?) that doesn’t turn the reader off so much.

IN SUMMARY
I think there’s something here. This is an inherently funny premise. It was a little too over-the-top for me, but so was Little Miss Sunshine, a similar film. So taste could be playing into that assessment. I think Allison is a good writer and I hope some of these observations help her improve.

Screenplay link: Jenny’s Got a Cult

[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Yesterday we talked about “leading,” a very powerful storytelling tool. Today’s script actually used leading IN THE TITLE, which I thought was interesting. The first 20 pages are a little slow, but I wanted to keep going since I knew that Jenny was going to be in a “cult” at some point. So I was committed to, at the very least, getting to that point. The lesson here is, you can use your title as a lead if you want to.

For those of you who’ve been following the site for a long time now, you’ll remember when I first introduced the GSU model (Goal, stakes, urgency). And despite being subjective, I think it’s still a great model for writing a screenplay. You come up with a goal (Liam Neeson needs to rescue his daughter), make sure the stakes are high (his daughter’s life is on the line) and add some urgency (Neeson’s CIA buddies tell him he’s got 72 hours before she’s gone forever).

As some of you may have noticed, however, the “GSU” model doesn’t work as well when you’re writing a slow-building drama or a biopic or a period piece. In particular, the “goal” aspect isn’t as much of a priority. So if you look at something like American Sniper, what’s the main goal in that screenplay? It doesn’t really emerge until halfway through the story, where Chris Kyle heads up a team that’s trying to take down the number two man in Al-Qaeda.

Personally, I think goal-focused writing is great. You can use it for the whole meal (“You must find the Ark of the Covenant, Indiana Jones!”), or as an occasional snack (In Nightcrawler, one of Lou’s goals is to find his first footage and sell it).

And this leads into our topic of the day, which actually began last week, when I found myself on Youtube watching Vitaly TV at 3 in the morning, procrastinating my ass off. After watching Vitaly proposition a man to spread nutella on his butt, I noticed a recommended video on the side for ballroom dancing. Now I have about as much interest in ballroom dancing as Grendl has for complimenting screenwriters. But for that very reason, I clicked on it, wondering if Youtube knew something about me that I didn’t.

I started watching the clip, and, as I predicted, I was bored. But then something happened. I started to become mesmerized by the structure of this dance, specifically how commanding and powerful the man was in leading it. There was a moment, even, when the woman looked in his eyes, and she was swooning just because of his command. Whether he was pulling or twisting or charging, he led with a confidence that was, quite honestly, inspiring.

It just so happened that I was reading an amateur screenplay at the time. Like a lot of amateur screenplays, it was all over the place. The writer didn’t know how to focus our attention. And it was at that moment that I married these two observations. A screenplay is like dancing. As the writer, it’s your job to lead.

It was a light bulb moment for me because up until that point, I thought you could only pepper your screenplay with goals to keep it focused. But actually, as long as you lead the reader – as long as you let them know where you’re going – they’ll trust you and stay with you.

Let me give you an example of this. I was sent a romantic comedy script and the writer told me up front that the script was boring and he couldn’t figure out why. So I read it and he was right. It was boring. It just didn’t have any life to it. Generally speaking, it was about a self-help guru who falls in love with a woman.

So I put the script down and thought about why I was bored. And the main reason was, the characters just sort of wandered through their experiences together. There was no endgame to their interactions or their lives. Now, in the past, I might’ve told the writer, “Okay, there’s no clear GSU here. We need to give the main character a clear goal that lasts the entire narrative. Maybe he’s got a deadline for a book he’s writing or something.”

But after watching that ballroom video, I’d probably say to the writer, “You need to lead better. You need to let the reader know that we’re going somewhere important, even if it’s just for the time being.” So I asked the writer about the self-help universe and he mentioned that in his research, he found out about these big self-help expos, and I told him, “You have something there.”

What if we have our hero performing on a panel at an important self-help expo in the middle of the screenplay (we could even make it the mid-point)? Now, a scene like that could end up being good or it could end up being horrible. It’s up to the writer to deliver. However, the effect this had was way more far-reaching than the expo sequence itself. By mentioning near the beginning of the script that the expo was happening, the reader now felt like THEY WERE BEING LED. They trusted the writer because the writer was telling them that he had a plan for this journey. It was no longer just two people babbling to each other.

Leading can encompass all sorts of things. In fact, a goal like “finding the Ark of the Covenant” is leading in a sense. But leading can also be much more subtle. I remember in the movie Dazed and Confused – which is one of the looser narratives you’re ever going to find – Richard Linklater is constantly throwing in little leads here and there.

The football coach comes up to the quarterback and tells him he has to sign a “I won’t do drugs” form by the end of the day. We’re being LED because we want to see if he signs it. Mitch, the 8th grader, is told repeatedly by his friends that the high schoolers are going to paddle the shit out of him after the last day of school. So again, we’re being LED towards an event – Mitch getting paddled.

The idea behind leading is simply to indicate a future event with some importance behind it. You can lead within a scene, you can lead within a sequence (6-12 scenes), you can lead something that happens all the way at the end of the screenplay. As long as you’re giving us a future to look forward to.

So say your main character is in high school and he’s about to walk into class but the teacher stops him and says, sternly, “I need to talk to you after class.” That’s leading. During the entire classroom scene, we know that the teacher confrontation is coming. Or maybe two roommates are chatting and one mentions that his sister is coming to stay with them in a few days. Subconsciously, the reader is now thinking, “Well I at least have to read to find out about this sister.” If you don’t lead, they’d never know the sister was coming and they’d get bored.

But guess what, there’s more! I found an even more powerful way to lead, which I call LEADING WITH STEROIDS. It includes a familiar friend of ours – STAKES. If you want your leads to really hook the reader, raise the stakes on them. So in the example I just gave you about the roommate who said his sister was coming – Let’s say in the next scene, the roommate goes online to check what this sister looks like. And she’s GORGEOUS. Now he’s FREAKING out and for the next few days, ALL HE CAN THINK ABOUT is this sister and how she’s coming to stay with them. A simple curiosity about this sister now becomes a big event, because one of the characters is infatuated with her, so we can anticipate entertaining scenarios. If you don’t include this second scene, though, the lead isn’t going to be as powerful.

I always thought that a big goal was the only way to give a script focus. But as long as the writer is consistently and cleverly using leads to keep us invested, they don’t even need a giant goal dominating the story. Of course, studios are still going to prefer the big goals for their big movies. But when you’re writing something a little smaller or more experimental, leading is a great way to keep the reader invested. Use this new screenwriting power wisely. With great power comes great responsibility!!!

Genre: Thriller
Premise: A “Gone Girl” like tale where a young girl goes missing and the father becomes the number one suspect… but not for what you’d expect.
About: One of the hottest young writer-directors out there is Damien Chazelle. Chazelle started off with a movie I still think explored the most ridiculous premise of that year (Grand Piano – about a pianist being texted by a killer during his concert performance). Then, of course, he broke through with last year’s Sundance hit, Whiplash, which has since gone on to nab five Oscar nominations. Nice! This script is a recent Black Lister.
Writer: Damien Chazelle
Details: 120 pages (undated)

Chazelle (middle) with his Whiplash team.

One of the things I’ve noticed a lot lately while reading screenplays is that they’re very “screenplay-y.” What the hell is that supposed to mean? It means that I’m very aware that I’m reading a screenplay and, because of that, it’s hard for me to suspend my disbelief.

Now screenwriting has always carried this handicap of forcing writers to write inside the most writing-unfriendly format there is. There are ugly capitalized lines at the top of scenes that say things like “INT.” You’ve got weird and varied margins. The writing style is often clipped and abrupt.

All these things castrate any chance a screenplay has at naturalism.  And if I’m being honest, it’s started to bother me. FRANK. Dashes forward. Gets to Monica. Boom. They tumble.  Whatever happened to sentence structure???

I understand that sometimes you’re writing an action scene and writing in bursts helps convey energy. But every once in awhile I’ll see a writer use a full clean well-written sentence, and I’ll feel like I’m actually reading again. There’s something to be said for words flowing into one another – for us to take a journey through a sentence.

Frank dashes forward. He catches up to Monica only to have their legs collide. They tumble like clothes in the washing machine before crashing to the pavement.

I’m not going to step on anybody’s style here. Write how you want to write. But just know that you have the option to write complete sentences every once in awhile. And when you write them well, they can be quite pleasing! That doesn’t mean I’m giving you a green light to go prose-heavy. But go ahead and give us a beginning, a middle, and an end to a sentence every so often.

What does this have to do with The Claim? Well, Chazelle’s script does adopt that staccato writing style for the most part. And I get it. This is a thriller. I’m not saying what he’s doing is wrong. I suppose I’m just on the hunt for good-old fashioned REAL WRITING at the moment.

28 year old Harry Novak is trying to make ends meet as a mechanic but only barely getting by. And if it were only about him, he could handle the struggle. But he’s also got a 4 year old angel named Sophie he’s got to provide for. And he’s doing everything he can. In fact, when we meet him, he’s picking her up from swim practice.

When Harry and Sophie get home, Harry’s shocked to see that his place has been broken into. He looks around, however, and notices that not a single thing has been taken. Strangely, that makes the event even more terrifying.

When Harry gets a call for a quick shift change, he heads to work with his daughter, only for the car in front of him to stall. A huge bumper to bumper traffic jam follows. Luckily, being a mechanic, Harry’s able to fix the car quickly.

But when Harry looks back to his car, Sophie is GONE! He starts freaking out, but the cars start driving around him and there’s nothing he can do but head to the cops. They put an Amber Alert out for Sophie, and that’s when things get weird.

Within minutes, a family up in San Francisco calls to claim that this is THEIR baby who’s been missing for two years. The cops question Harry, who it turns out WAS up in San Francisco when this baby was abducted. Not only that, but Sophie’s mother (Harry’s ex) claims she has no idea who Harry is.

Harry’s able to escape custody and go on the run, where he searches for his daughter. What he finds out along the way is that this kidnapping goes far deeper than he could have ever imagined.

The Claim is fun. It really is. It’s the kind of script that readers like to read because there’s a new reveal or a new twist every 7-10 pages. Which gives it that roller coaster feel.

But here’s the most important thing Chazelle did to get this script noticed and it’s something all of you need to remember every time you write a screenplay. He adds a SECOND family claiming that the girl was kidnapped from them 2 years ago.  Now you don’t just have Liam Neeson chasing bad guys. You have a mystery. And not a simple one either. Who kidnapped Sophie? How is this other family in on it? Why isn’t Sophie’s mom (who Harry had her with) claiming to know who Harry is?

Any story where you can explore two genres at once (a thriller and a mystery) has the potential to be a lot more fun than your basic straight-forward genre tale.

But did Chazelle pull it off? For the most part, yes. I was unapologetically wrapped up in whether this San Francisco family really lost their child or if they were pulling a scam. And if they weren’t pulling a scam, then who orchestrated this kidnapping? And what did they want??

I do think Chazelle has a problem with something I call “Page Reality” though. Sometimes, a writer will take advantage of the fact that the reader can’t physically see the scene, and they’ll use that to cheat. So here, the critical scene has Harry helping fix this man’s car in front of him for 5 seconds. When he turns around, his daughter is no longer in her seat.

Now we’ve been told that this is a traffic jam and there are cars everywhere. How in the world does a man steal a child from a car in broad daylight during a traffic jam in under five seconds, and nobody sees it? It doesn’t make sense. And it’s a pristine example of a writer using the page to camouflage reality.

This was the same problem I had with Grand Piano. I read so many moments of that character texting where I was like, “There’s no way the audience can’t see this.” It drove me nuts.

The Claim isn’t perfect. It gets a little lost in its twists sometimes. It probably stays around longer than it should. But it’s the kind of script that’s hard to put down. And achieving that with any screenplay ain’t too shabby.

[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: “But what if I did this?” Every time you come up with a concept, particularly one that feels familiar or simplistic, you owe it to yourself to ask the question “But what if I did this?” a dozen or more times to see if there’s more you can do with the idea. Kidnapped girl scripts are a dime-a-dozen. Kidnapped girl scripts where a second couple is claiming that the daughter is theirs – we’ve never seen that before. That’s usually when you know you’ve got an idea. When you approach, “I don’t think I’ve seen that before” territory.