Genre: Period/Supernatural/Action
Premise: A group of disgraced Samurais (known as “Ronin”) attempt to take down one of the biggest samurai forces in the world to get revenge for their fallen leader.
About: This script dates all the way back to the 2008 Black List. It stars Keanu Reeves.  Writer Chris Morgan has written several of the Fast and Furious movies and is currently working on The Legend of Conan, which is bringing back Ah-nold as Conan.
Writer: Chris Morgan
Details: It’s not clear if this is the 2008 Black List draft or if it’s the 2010 draft. – 123 pages

I’ve been curious about this one. Visually, it looks different from everything else out there. There’s a supernatural slant to it. Martial Arts is involved. It’s got a hot new director. Any of this sound familiar? It’s the recipe that made The Matrix such a huge success. And let’s be honest. We’ve been waiting for Keanu to make another Matrix for awhile now (not that I’m not a huge fan of Generation Um…).

On the flip side, it looked like one of those movies that COULD be all show and no flow. In other words, I’m scared it may be Sucker Punch or Night Watch. I was 50/50 on the answer to that until I saw the December 25 release date. If a studio’s releasing something on Christmas, that usually means they have confidence in it. So I’m going to give the film the benefit of the doubt.

47 Ronin is set in the beginning of the 18th century and is about a dude named Lord Asano who’s expecting the most important person in the land, the Shogun, to visit his kingdom. Asano’s right hand man is a samurai named Oishi. The two have been through everything together and this is probably going to be their biggest moment yet.

Oishi is in charge of a group of samurais, one of them a “half-breed” named Minoru, who neither Oishi or Asano know is sneaking off with Asano’s daughter, the beautiful Mika. The whole half-breed thing means they can never be together, which puts a real damper on their future prospects. But that doesn’t mean they won’t try.

In advance of the Shogun’s arrival, his evil second-in-command shows up, the serpentine-like Lord Kira. Lord Kira instantly falls in love with Mika, and tricks Asano into lifting his blade by pretending to attack Mika. Lifting a blade in a kingdom where the Shogun is present is punishable by death. Everyone must watch as Asano takes his own life, the honorable way for a samurai to die.

Adding salt to the wound, Lord Kira designates everyone who served under Lord Asano “ronin.” This is the worst disgrace a samurai can face. Ronin are samurai who have no honor. They’re then kicked out of the kingdom except for Oishi, who’s jailed and beaten to within an inch of his life.

Lord Kira, of course, wants to marry Mika now, but she wisely calls for a clause in the code that gives a daughter a year of mourning for her father’s death. The Shogun grants her request, to Kira’s dismay.

Eight months later, Oishi, now a broken man, is released. And he hasn’t forgotten about his best friend’s death. Naturally, he wants to get the band back together and kick Lord Kira’s ass. The problem is, most of the Ronin have disappeared. He only manages to scrounge up 47 of them. These 47 will have to take on an army of a thousand of the best samurais in the world. The odds don’t look to be in their favor. But don’t tell Oishi that.

I want you to imagine The Hobbit mixed with 300 mixed with The Princess Bride in feudal Japan. Ya with me? I hope so. Because this script was damned good. Surprisingly good. Unexpectedly good! Starting with it being lights out UNIQUE.

I always say that while you wanna follow the rules for the most part, it’s the breaking of the rules that sets your script apart. The choices you make which go against traditional practice are what give your script its own unique flavor.

In this respect, Morgan’s choice to not have a clear cut main character was pretty brave. Not having a clear cut main character (unless you’re doing a deliberate ensemble film like Love Actually) is usually the kiss of death for a screenplay. It makes the script unfocused and it doesn’t allow us to identify with, get behind, and root for someone (see Contagion).

When you watch the trailer for this film, you think Keanu Reeves is the main character. But that’s not necessarily true. Oishi is the one driving the story. He’s the one who has the most at stake. It’s his best friend who’s killed unjustly and who he must avenge. With that said, Keanu’s character, Minoru, has something at stake too (his love for Mika). He has to get to her before she’s married off and violated in a thousand different ways by the insane Lord Kira.

So it’s a weird read in that sense. Cause you keep waiting for Minoru to take that step forward and start dominating the action. But he’ll only get so close before stepping back. At the same time, it’s this weird “who are we following” issue that gives the script a sense of unpredictability.

That’s not to say you guys should try this at home. Oh no no no no no. I’ve seen writers who aren’t as good as Chris Morgan (and this guy is good – this script he wrote put him on my A-list) try the same thing and the result was a wandering unfocused mess where you keep angrily yelling at the script, “Who the hell is the main character here???” Some way, some how, 47 Ronin never suffered this fate. And I’m still trying to figure out why.

Now what’s interesting here is that there’s been some rewrites to the script since this draft. Hossein Amini (who wrote that amazing original draft of Drive) came in to rewrite Morgan’s script, and watching the trailer, some changes have definitely been made. My assumption is that somewhere along the way, a producer said, “Yo, why is Keanu Reeves not playing the clear-cut main character?” and they then rewrote the script to make him the main character (the fact that even his name has been changed – to Kai – would support this theory). Then again, Keanu’s one of those unselfish actors, so you just don’t know.  But I’m curious what they did.  Because if you make Keanu the guy driving all the action, a ton of the script has to change.  You’d then be moving away from a script that’s already awesome.

As far as the story, this script uses one of the best devices for making a reader root for your hero out there: Punishing your hero for doing the right thing. And the way you tweak this device to REALLY make it work? You make the punishment as terrible as it can be and the “right thing” our hero does the most heroic thing it can be.

So in this case, the evil Lord Kira knows the rules of the house. If a blade is drawn when the Shogun is in a castle, it’s punishable by death. Well, Lord Asano walks in as Lord Kira’s about to rape his daughter. Lord Asano runs to protect her. Lord Kira fakes a move to his knife, as if he’s going to hurt her, and Asano’s forced to draw his blade to save her. But when Asano looks closely, Kira has merely lifted a fan. It was a trick. There are others in the hall who witness this, and all of a sudden, Asano has broken the law. He must take his own life.

So here someone is punished (Asano) for doing the right thing (protection). The punishment is the most extreme punishment it can be (death) and he was doing something that couldn’t have been more right (protecting his daughter). After this moment, Morgan has us wrapped around his finger. We will not stop reading until we see Asano’s men get justice over what the terrible Lord Kira has done.

I also got a kick out of Morgan using a very standard ticking time bomb device, one we’ve seen popularized in what was basically the opposite of this movie (tone-wise at least), The Princess Bride. We are simply trying to get to Lord Kira before he and Mika’s wedding so that Minoru can be with her. It’s funny how we can overthink these bigger “epic” stories and overcomplicate them as a result. Here, we’re simply trying to beat a wedding and get revenge. It’s so simple!

I could go on about this script but all I gotta say is, wow, I’m impressed. You’ve never seen anything like it before. I mean when’s the last time you saw samurais battling Dutch hulks inside an opium den on an artificial island? Doubt there’s a scene of that in Catching Fire. The attention to detail is also excellent here. I wouldn’t be surprised if Chris Morgan WAS a samurai. It’s got the underdog thing going for it, with the tiny group of reject samurai going up against a thousand of the best samurai warriors in the world. The fights all read amazing. This is going to be pretty badass. The only thing I’m worried about is that it looks a little over-stylized. But I’ll still be there on Christmas day with the fam (if my parents can handle it). What a script!

[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[x] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Give us a frame of reference. Sometimes when you’re describing something so unknown to the reader (a sci-fi or supernatural setting, for example), you want to give them a frame of a reference, an analogy. So in the beginning of the script, when describing Lord Asano’s kingdom, Morgan writes: “It’s clear that Ako castle is Camelot at its height — the people of the province living happy, contented lives — and Asano is its Arthur; noble, just and kind.”

Due to work constraints, I’m switching Tuesday and Thursday around.  That means 10 Screenwriting Tips via E.T. is moving to Thursday.  Right now, I have to post one of my favorite comments of the year.  It came in response to Thursday’s post about the intangibles of screenwriting.  Writers come from all different backgrounds and situations.  Some are trust fund babies with all the time in the world.  Some are parents barely able to scrape up enough money to keep their families above water.  Whatever the case, writers tend to make up reasons to procrastinate, to not write, to hold off.  This comment just makes you want to write.  Print it and tape it next to your workspace.  It’s from Half-Robot.  Enjoy (and Half-Robot, I’ll read your script when it’s finished!).

If you are finding reasons to avoid writing, maybe it’s not for you. It’s all about effort.

Megastar athletes are there because of dedication and perseverance. Not a single person wakes up one day and is amazingly talented.

Famous musicians.

Actors.

Scientists.

You name it.

I’m sorry but you gotta churn stuff out to get better. The whole 10,000 hours thing. It’s almost as simple as math. Writing a great story, no. But getting better? Elementary.

Unless you just REALLY aren’t getting it. But that’s a whole different story…

I started writing five months ago.

Five.

Before that (and now) I just worked regular, everyday jobs. I’m currently a payroll manager for a mid-size marketing firm. I live an hour away from my job. I work 40-50 hours a week, plus another 10-15 commuting on a cramped bus reading every screenplay I can get my hands on. Plus, I’m married to someone who doesn’t really like movies. Don’t tell me you don’t have time to write.

I don’t have a fancy film degree. I haven’t watched all the classics. I just sit my ass down, forget about sleeping, and write. I leave for work at 5:30 AM, get home at 6 PM. Spend a few hours with the wifey and I’m usually writing from 9 until about 1 or 2 AM. It’s what it takes, man. It ain’t easy. No one said it was. But don’t give me a bullshit excuse that you don’t have time. Suck it up, buttercup.

Though, admittedly, when I started, I thought I would be one of the lucky ones. Sell my first script, dash away to the hills of Hollywood, hob-nob with A-listers. At first, that was my inspiration. The golden dream. Who doesn’t dream of that scenario? It still has to be a small part of your inspiration to make it as a writer. Maybe those things don’t happen to writers, but you still have to swing for the stars. Literally and metaphorically.

It obviously didn’t go that route. And months later, I’ve completely shifted my view on the art of screenwriting. I stopped caring about others “making it” and focused entirely on what I was doing. MY projects.

And you know how much I’ve written?

2 (god-awful) complete feature specs. Both rewritten a few times before I moved on to a fresh idea.

Countless outlines.

2 half-baked feature specs.

Dozens of half-baked ideas, scenes.

A million “A day in the life of” character sheets.

3 separate ideas for The Writer’s Store contest in 2 weeks.

And I’m now on my third draft (technically sixth, but some are partial rewrites) of my 3rd feature.

Five months, people. Don’t tell me it can’t be done.

Feedback is HUGE. I’ve connected with a dozen people through this site and I can’t even tell you how pleased I am to have met them.

Carson, thank you for providing a pretty relaxed atmosphere where we can discuss and connect with each other.

Contrary to popular belief, there aren’t a lot of sites like this. I’ve read a few blogs and they get MAYBE two or three comments. We’re consistently pushing 70+ on most articles. That is fucking stellar y’all.

The flip side to feedback is what to do with it. Get over yourself. You’re not god’s gift to the screenwriting world. We’re all (aspiring) story tellers. See what others think.

From the people I’ve met here, they usually have some pretty great ideas on how to improve that scene where your lead is slicing someone’s throat but in a way we’ve all seen before. You probably thought it was fucking brilliant. Guess what?

It wasn’t.

To quote the Barenaked Ladies, “It’s all been done.”

So yeah, feedback and a thick skin. WHEN (NOT IF) you sell something, you’re going to get hit with notes. Probably a lot of them. I obviously don’t know, but from what I’ve read, get ready for a lot of rewriting.

Rewriting is the fun part anyway. That’s where your script comes alive. I read an interview from here last night from E. Nicholas Mariani that talked about rewriting being the connective tissue, the “scene between the scenes.” That really resonated with me. You can only discover that stuff the second (third, fourth, fifth, sixth…) time around.

That’s why I have an issue with so many AoW scripts. They are clearly first drafts. They are not thought through. It’s basically a (way too long usually) first draft of some cool scenes you thought of. Guess what? After countless weeks of offerings, how many have really gained traction? Yeah. Exactly.

I think we are too easy on amateur writers. You sugar coat the issue, they don’t grow. Simple as that. I’ve read notes from friends that always start with “let me know if I’m being too harsh” and the really grinds my gears.

Let me have it. Make my story better. If you’re polite, I don’t see the problem. If you’re rude, we may have an issue. But I haven’t met anyone here or anywhere else that is a raging douchebag.

I have to disagree with Carson on three things, though.

One –

Don’t read screenplay books right away. I did that. If I could go back, I wouldn’t. Yes, read a book on formatting. Don’t be that guy. BUT, don’t read Save the Cat! and go from there.

Those bad habits will stick with you. Don’t count pages. Don’t worry about 15 beats. You will hit roadblock after roadblock. Write INTERESTING CHARACTERS doing INTERESTING THINGS that makes us want to KNOW WHAT HAPPENS.

If your inciting incident doesn’t land on page 10, an executive isn’t going to jump out of a bush and murder you.

The best way to describe if something is good to me is this rule:

How many pages have I read before I check to see what page I’m on.

If it’s good, I don’t check.

If it’s bad, well, you get it.

We all do it when we read.

We’ve read stories our entire lives. We’ve watched countless movies. Telling a story isn’t rocket science. Well, it is, but not really.

Read SCREENPLAYS. A SHIT TON OF THEM. I’ve read more screenplays in five months than movies I’ve watched in my entire life. And you know what? My scripts are stronger because of it. Half the movies you watch aren’t like the screenplay anyway. READ. READ. READ.

Because you are –

WRITING. WRITING. WRITING. They are words. Go outside, feel emotions, nature. Next time you’re on a walk, mentally think how you’d describe where you are in the most interesting, brief way. Not how your favorite movie ALREADY DID IT.

Two –

Yes, you should write. Every. FUCKING. Day. No excuses. BUT, it has to be more than five minutes. I know that is metaphor for just spending at least some time on writing, but you’ll get no where.

Five minutes? Ten minutes? That’s how long it takes me to come up with a fucking tweet for christ’s sake. How many pages do you think you’ll get done in a year writing even 30 minutes a day? Maybe enough to post a new blog entry every couple of days.

Put your ass in that seat and get excited. Tell sleep to go fuck itself. Tell five minutes to go fuck itself. You’re a writer, not a stopwatch. Get to writing.

Three –

Don’t write something because it’s a “commercial idea.” It will be so obvious. Another interview I read from the fucking talent that is Brian Duffield explained how he starts his specs… A thought or emotion that he’s struggling with. That’s what you need to do.

Yeah, that’s right. YOU.

Pick something challenging. Pick a flaw in your life. Writing will become therapy and before you know it, you’ve got something good.

My current project is about relationships. Their complexity… their brutal way of making you vulnerable, exposing you to another soul. How unfair they can be. How they shape us. How in dire situations, knowing the person you are with has your back. Trust. Finding your soul mate.

The logline? A former couple must survive a road trip during the zombie apocalypse.

And it’s a fucking rom-com. It’s a dark comedy, but a rom-com nonetheless.

If you write based only on a commercial idea, that’ll get you a couple scenes. It WON’T get you a deep connection with the reader. Look, we’re all human. We all have fears, worries, problems, complications, themes, ideas, struggles, whatever. Pick one. Tackle it. Challenge yourself. Brian Koppelman bashes this idea into our heads with his six second screenwriting advice vines. They are brilliant.

Once you’ve grasped the idea you want to work on, then you can attach the story to it. I could have written a dumb comedy about two opposites stuck in car together and all the wacky, crazy things that happen to them. But I grounded it first, then added the story later. I want you to know, at the heart, WHY they are a former couple, HOW that affects the trip, WHY they are even on the trip to begin with. I want you to watch and FEEL them grow, arc, whatever word you want to use for it.

I don’t want Kevin James butt to touch David Spade’s face for a laugh.

Your Bridesmaid is a Bitch isn’t just about some guy going to his sister’s wedding where his ex-girlfriend will be. That is the story, sure. But at the core, like Brian says, is the complexity and struggles with relationships we’ve all been in. We’ve all had our hearts broken. Now, I’m sure a very small percentage of us actually have been to our sister’s wedding where our ex was. But we relate to the feeling. It’s pretty universal. No one is reinventing the wheel, here. And it doesn’t need to be, either.

In conclusion – sorry for ranting. I’m pretty fired up about this. It all comes down to you. Do you want to do this. Like, for reals. Or is it just a hobby?

Here’s a clue. In the last week, how many hours have you dedicated to a blank page? If it’s less than 15, you might need to reevaluate your goals.

As always, if anyone wants to connect, trade scripts, or engage in hilarious, off-beat emails while I’m at work, email me.

driftinginscripts@gmail.com

I’m also on twitter. I’ve kind of fell off the map there, but I still whip up a few quips every now and then.

@half_robot

When I win an Oscar, I will thank all of you in my speech. Especially you, Carson.

Genre: TV Pilot – Supernatural
Premise: Three years after 2% of the world’s population DISAPPEARS into thin air, a small town is still trying to pick up the pieces of its missing.
About: Don’t bring any Damon Lindelof haters here. Scriptshadow is a pro-Lindelof zone. And the man who became a feature super-scribe after Lost ended, is going back to TV, this time to HBO, where we’re assuming he’s going to take a few more chances. Lindelof is adapting the novel by Tom Perrotta, who is, of course, best known as the author of the book-turned-film, “Little Children.” He also worte the book, “Election,” which Alexander Payne made into a film. The show is slated to debut in 2013, but I haven’t been able to find an exact premiere date.
Writers: Damon Lindelof & Tom Perrotta (based on the novel by Tom Perrotta)
Details: 77 pages – 2nd Draft (1/30/2013)

I’ve been keeping an eye on The Leftovers for awhile. Perrotta is an interesting author. His book tackles a unique premise. And Lindelof is a “big material” writer. That trifecta was something I was willing to bet on.

Then again, it is a STRANGE premise. I mean you decide to have a bunch of people on the planet disappear one day (big idea!). But you choose for the number of people to only be 2%. That’s like buying a Ferrari but never taking it out of first gear. Why such a small number? Isn’t that not far off from the number of people who die every day anyway? I mean it’s such an odd choice. So The Leftovers had me asking questions before the story even began.

Kevin Garvey is the chief of police in a small town on the day that everything changes. For reasons no one can explain, 2% of the world’s population just disappears. Now what’s interesting about “The Leftovers” is that instead of focusing on the immediate aftermath of this insane invent, it jumps forward three years.

Despite the passing of time, the world (and this town) are just as confused today as they were back then. A global committee even put together an investigation and the universal assessment was: “We have no fucking idea why people be disappearing.”

As you’d expect, the religious crazies are ready to offer their opinions, specifically a spooky clan known as the “Guilty Remnant.” These guys are such weirdoes that they don’t even communicate with their voices. They write down what they want to say and hold it up. It’s not clear what their “mission” is, but they clearly don’t like the people who aren’t part of their group.

Joining Kevin are Jill, his angst-ridden teenage daughter, who’s in love with the school hottie (a guy who unfortunately likes her best friend). And then Tom, his older son, who’s a gate-keeper for ANOTHER religious cult outside of town, led by a freaky dude named Wayne. Wayne takes very rich and/or important people seeking guidance and “saves” them.

The pilot revolves around the upcoming town “Hero’s Parade,” which commemorates the three year anniversary of the disappearance. There’s much anxiety in the air as everyone assumes the Guilty Remnant will show up. And they do. As these freakazoids hold up signs and wear their white sheets, they’re yelled at to go home. When they don’t, a riot erupts. But the spooky part is that the Remnant doesn’t fight back. They allow themselves to be beaten to a pulp. It’s weird and disturbing and I would so not invite these guys to my upcoming dinner party.

As the episode draws to a close, it’s apparent that more and more people are having doubts about the way our society’s run. Whether it’s fair or not, that mass disappearance happened on our watch. And the religious groups are taking advantage, recruiting more and more citizens every day. We seem to be moving back to a time long ago – when America (and the world) was a full-blown religious state.

This is one of those ideas that gets you buzzed when you first see it. But as a writer, what do you write NEXT with it? It’s one of the easiest things to be fooled by as a beginning writer. Yeah, millions of people DISAPPEARING one day hooks a reader. But getting to that point in the story takes you ten pages. What do you write AFTER TEN PAGES??

The Leftovers surprised me with its answer: “Three years later.” That showed me they weren’t interested in the immediate mysteries involving this phenomenon (like, say, the show “Flash Forward”) but were more interested in the characters and the aftermath. For a movie, “three years later” probably would’ve been the wrong move, cause you WANT to deal with those questions. But with TV being about longevity, and the answers coming over time, it’s a better move to get to know and focus on the characters’ lives first.

Now the script started off strong. I thought it was an inspired choice to make the Guilty Remnant silent. It made them so spooky. Watching them stand outside of restaurants glowering at customers was so much more powerful than the cliché choice of religious wackos spouting out “end of the world” speeches on street corners.

But it didn’t end as strong as it could’ve. (Spoiler) We’re led to believe that Kevin lost his wife in the “disappearance.” But at the end of the episode, the big surprise is that she didn’t disappear, she’s a member of the Guilty Remnant. It was an okay twist, but not one that had huge overreaching implications. At least in my opinion. It was one of those twists where you sorta go, “Oh, yeah, that’s kinda neat” and then move on.

And maybe that’s my big issue with The Leftovers. While I like that it’s dealing with the characters, I’m not sure that the supernatural angle brings ENOUGH to the table.  I feel like if maybe HALF of the world disappeared, the show would be much juicier. But these guys clearly aren’t interested in making Lost 2 so maybe I should get over myself and accept their vision.

Despite some of my criticisms, this was still a fun read. For the most part, I enjoyed it.

[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Don’t fall in love with the hook. Focus on what comes after. ESPECIALLY with TV. Because what comes after will need to last 5-7 seasons. The Leftovers made it immediately clear, with their 3 year jump forward, that it was more about the characters dealing with the effects of this, rather than a plot-heavy narrative. That’s the way you gotta go with TV.

This is your chance to discuss the week’s amateur scripts, offered originally in the Scriptshadow newsletter. The primary goal for this discussion is to find out which script(s) is the best candidate for a future Amateur Friday review. The secondary goal is to keep things positive in the comments with constructive criticism.

Below are the scripts up for review, along with the download links. Want to receive the scripts early? Head over to the Contact page, e-mail us, and “Opt In” to the newsletter.

Happy reading!

TITLE: Echovault
GENRE: Contained Sci-Fi Thriller
LOGLINE: When an elite team of Allied forces assault a top secret research facility, they become trapped underground with a sadistic Nazi Colonel and a mysterious Machine which allows him to switch bodies, turning the team against one another as they desperately try to survive.
WHY YOU SHOULD READ: “Echovault is a contained thriller with a strong hook, interesting characters ,and edge of your seat twists: the perfect low budget script to get two blokes from Australia noticed. We are a writing partnership from downunder and believe being featured on Scriptshadow would be great exposure, as well as a means to get extra notes from the Scriptshadow community. Please don’t hold back; we’ve been bred tough, boxing kangaroos and wrestling crocodiles, so go ahead and throw us to the Scriptshadow wolves.”

TITLE: THE SUPERNATURAL
GENRE: Mystery Suspense
LOGLINE: When a group of reality show ghost hunters films their latest episode on a haunted ship, they’ll find more than they bargained for and now must uncover the ship’s checkered past to find a way for all to get out alive.
WHY YOU SHOULD READ: “After placing in high percentages in all of the competitions known to man (including as a finalist – top 8 scripts – in a fairly well known competition) the one comment I’d receive over and over and over again was, “this is great writing, but it’s just not commercial writing.” With all of the conversation on internet writing forums about “what to write” or “do you write what you love or what will sell” or “can you be discovered writing something that isn’t commercial” I set out to do something completely different than anything else I’d written in the past, focusing mainly on the commercial aspect of the script (because essentially my experience had taught me, a great script that isn’t commercial is likely to get you less along the path than a not so great script that is). Of course, that was just my experience and obviously a topic of great debate among many. A topic, not likely to be settled any time soon.

Thus, I set out to do something simplistic with “mass appeal” on a light PG-13 basis, shot in just about a singular location, with mystery, suspense, and a little fright built in (an obvious focal point on the trailer). Given the interest in “ghost-themed” reality shows (and the obvious success of Paranormal Activity), I thought this would be a good place to start, but of course, I don’t believe in this stuff, so I thought what a great protag to have leading this “show”. Someone who doesn’t believe in what he’s doing, is doing it for a specific reason that has nothing to do with ghosts and ultimately must face down what he doesn’t believe in order to survive and save the day.

I’m interested in people’s reactions to something like this, where a writer chooses to cognitively go after the commercial aspect of a topic, and build it from the ground up with all of the aforementioned in mind, rather than just “writing what I love.”

TITLE: Afterworld
GENRE: Action/sci-fi
LOGLINE: An Allied World War II squad travels back in time to Ancient Egypt, where they must help the pharaoh defeat a supernatural army that threatens to destroy his kingdom.
WHY YOU SHOULD READ: “AFTERWORLD made the rounds at Paramount in 2011 but was rejected because they were working on a similar idea. It made the Semifinals in the 2013 Bluecat Screenplay Competition and has been described by a Blacklist reviewer as, “a well-written and well-conceived story/script that is plenty commercial.” The full script and first ten pages are attached.”

TITLE: Against Time
GENRE: Action/Sci-Fi
LOGLINE: To land the job of his dreams, a low-level security guard joins a ragtag team in an attempt to rescue a kidnapped scientist. But to do so, they must take an experimental drug that reverses time.
WHY YOU SHOULD READ: “A couple of months ago, you wrote an article about PDA (Producer, Director, Actor), and I believe that Against Time is a great project for all of them. Its action sequences happen in a backward world, making it incredibly visual — a director’s wet dream. It only takes two seconds in a trailer to stun the audience, and the story is both compelling and simple, making it very easy to market. Also, it has “franchise” written all over it, which is something every producer is looking for. And for the actor we have a main character who goes from a good-natured low-level security guard to “chosen one” — a little like The Matrix, but with some twists.”

TITLE: Coldwater Canyon
GENRE: Modern Film Noir
LOGLINE: A hard drinking, divorced homicide detective investigates the murder of the son of his older brother, who hasn’t spoken to him in years, and ends up learning some shattering truths.
WHY YOU SHOULD READ: “I think you should review my script because a modern film noir seems like something you don’t normally review on amateur Friday. And…it’s got HARD BOILED DETECTIVES! GUNS! DOUBLE CROSSING DAMES! DIRTY COPS! STRIPPERS! and MORE!

Also, I’ve sent this out to people I know and have gotten good feedback, but I feel like people are being too nice. From personal experience, I know it can be tough to be completely honest and critical about a friend’s work, and I know that you won’t hold back and will tear my screenplay apart, which is what I need.”

Get Your Script Reviewed!: To submit your script for an Amateur Review, send in a PDF of your script, along with the title, genre, logline, and finally, something interesting about yourself and/or your script that you’d like us to post along with the script if it gets reviewed. Use my submission address please: Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Remember that your script will be posted. If you’re nervous about the effects of a bad review, feel free to use an alias name and/or title. It’s a good idea to resubmit every couple of weeks so your submission stays near the top.

Genre: Thriller
Premise: (from writer) A mother and daughter held hostage at an isolated farmhouse struggle to survive as one of their captors grows increasingly unstable.
Why You Should Read: (from writer) This script was a Nicholl quarterfinalist in 2011. It’s gotten some attention in the past, but has always managed to get lost in the shuffle. I thought this would be a good opportunity to inject new life into a script I feel has been overlooked. I don’t claim the concept is unique, but I do believe the execution is. I wrote it partly to prove to myself I could write a contained thriller and still be original. It’s difficult to stand out once the budget gets below a certain level, but I think this script shows a good effort. It’s got strong structure, three dimensional characters, and has something to say I’ve wanted to express in a story for a long time. It’s a quick read in both style and page count and I’m confident you’ll enjoy it.
Writer: Breanne Mattson
Details: 100 pages

Halle Berry for Audrey?

I don’t know what it is with you Scriptshadow readers. But you always seem to endorse the darkest shit! Last week it was child murder. This week it’s moms and daughters being tied up and threatened in every way imaginable. There’s even a rape backstory. What ever happened to happy stuff!? Why can’t there be a script about ducklings and puppies? Maybe a ducklet and a puppy named Pupplestor team up to solve a farmland crime? It can be a prequel to Babe. I don’t know. This is probably a reflection of me. Something about my writing brings you dark-minded folk to my site. I must be a sicko.

With that being said, today’s script, while hurting my happiness, is actually quite good. The story flies by. Lots of conflict. Lots of drama. Lots of suspense. You could do a lot worse than Warning Shot, that’s for sure. But why hasn’t it done more for Breanne? Let’s throw on our script-fighting capes and find out!

30 year old Audrey is a former valedictorian who dropped out of college for reasons unknown (reasons we’ll find out later). She’s got an 8 year old daughter, Cheyenne, who’s the only thing that gets her through the day. And those days aren’t pretty. Her diner tips barely get above the 2 dollar variety and she’s THIS close to getting evicted from a trailer park. That’s when you know things are really bad.

Lucky for her, her grandfather dies! Well, not “lucky,” but you know what I mean. He left Audrey his farm, and that means her and her daughter at least have a roof over their heads. Little do they know, across town, this loser named Bobby doesn’t know about the grandfather’s death. And Bobby’s grandfather (who’s on his deathbed) has been trying to get the water rights from that man for 60 years. Bobby thinks if he can get them, his grandfather will finally respect him.

Bobby’s plan is to hire the ultra slimy Rainy and his dope head pot dealer, Juarez. The two have simple instructions. Go get the old man to sign the rights away to the water but don’t kill him. Well, when they get there, they find that Audrey and Cheyenee are there instead. And that Grandpa is dead.

So they tie them up, wondering what to do. And that’s when the loose cannon, Rainy, starts getting other ideas – as in maybe he’ll have a little fun before doing business. The threat of rape quickly turns into the threat of murder, but it’s when an innocent church goer, David, comes by and accidentally sees what’s going on, that Rainy loses his shit. He ties all of them up, with plans to kill the lot.

This is WAY more than Juarez bargained for, and he’s eventually able to restrain Rainy, but in this house, on this day, nobody has control of the situation for long. The guns and the power keep shifting, leaving small windows for the weak to make their move. But nothing will prepare anybody for when Bobby shows up. He wants this deal done and he wants it done now. And he doesn’t care who’s standing at the end of the process.

You know, I don’t think I’ve ever 100% agreed with a writer’s “Why You Should Read” until today. This script is EXACTLY what Breanne says it is. The concept’s a little bland. The structure’s really tight. It moves fast. It feels different from other contained thrillers. Understanding your work well enough to know exactly how it comes off is a talent in itself.

The thing holding it back is that lack of a compelling concept. I mean, if I’m a producer and I’m trying to figure out how to market this movie, I’m confused. What are you selling? A movie about a bad guy who ties up a mom and her daughter? That kind of thing happens in almost EVERY MOVIE at some point. It’s an eventual part of every story. So to make something so ubiquitous the hook of your film? That’s not going to get people excited.

I suppose if you got movie stars to play the parts, it might make some money, but these days, with more and more star vehicles going straight to VOD, it’s just really hard. I mean maybe that’s your answer. You get this made as an independent film for a small price and then go straight to VOD. That could happen. But as someone looking at it from the other side, I need to get excited about the concept. And I’m not. Which sucks. Because it is well written, and like Breanne says, well-executed.

In addition to those things mentioned, it’s got a great villain in Rainy. I mean this guy is scary shit. This is highlighted in the section where Rainy doesn’t have a gun. Juarez has taken charge and put Rainy “in the corner” until Bobby gets there. Despite the fact that Rainy doesn’t have a weapon, he’s the scariest he is all movie. The way he grills Audrey with probing questions, you just know he’s biding his time. You know he’s got something up his sleeve. The dude sends chills up your spine!

The dialogue here was really good too (with the exception of Cheyenne, who spoke too much like an adult at times). There’s a strong emotional anchor with Audrey and her daughter. Over the course of the script, we learn that Cheyenne may have not been in the plans, which forces Audrey to tell Cheyenne the truth about her father. And I mean come on. A mother and daughter in a life or death situation? Even if you don’t add a lick of backstory, we’re automatically rooting for them. So the script pretty much has us right from the start.

And then there’s the metaphor (spoiler) behind the story, which is obviously the fact that Audrey was raped in college (which is why she had Cheyenne) and then the farm’s water rights weren’t even hers. They belonged to the city. Which meant none of this ever had to happen. Just like the guy who raped her in college, all they had to do was ask. So that certainly adds an extra layer to the story that makes it hit harder.

The only weak story element was how Bobby’s plan didn’t make sense. He was going to come here, get this woman to sign the rights away, then kill her? It doesn’t take the Dateline Team to figure out that a woman signing over the rights to her land then getting killed a day later may be connected somehow. So I would’ve liked if Bobby’s plan was a bit more tidy, seeing as he’s supposed to be a smart guy.

Breanne is a really good writer. But this is a hard sell.  If I were her, I’d contact every big actress with a daughter, preferably young daughters.  Protecting your daughter is such a primal instinct I could see one of them making a big connection with this material.  And once you have the actress, you have a chance to make your movie.  I’ll be keeping an eye on Breanne.  This is a solid effort.  I can’t wait to see what she does with a bigger concept.

Script link: Warning Shot

[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: When you’re doing one of these contained thrillers, it’s all about changing the dynamic to keep the story fresh. Cause you can’t change the setting. So changing who’s in charge, what information is revealed, when new characters are inserted – anything that changes the dynamic in that room – that’s how you keep a low-location story fresh. So here, Rainy starts out in charge. Then David shows up. Then Juarez takes charge. Then Bobby shows up and takes charge. Changing the dynamic keeps the story from becoming stagnant.