This is your chance to discuss the week’s amateur scripts, offered originally in the Scriptshadow newsletter. The primary goal for this discussion is to find out which script(s) is the best candidate for a future Amateur Friday review. The secondary goal is to keep things positive in the comments with constructive criticism.
Below are the scripts up for review, along with the download links. Want to receive the scripts early? Head over to the Contact page, e-mail us, and “Opt In” to the newsletter.
Happy reading!
TITLE: Noir of the Dead
GENRE: action horror/comedy
LOGLINE: A former gangster must once again take up the gun and unite rival Prohibition enemies in order to fight off marauding, mutant zombies.
WHY YOU SHOULD READ: “I wrote this script with the intention of having fun with some familiar tropes…Prohibition gangsters, zombies, a mad scientist, the lethal femme fatal. The script ended up in a digital sock drawer…until I dusted it off and entered it into the ScreenCraft Horror contest, where it made the finals. My prize was development notes from someone named Pat at LD Entertainment…and I’m actually embarrassed to repeat some of his complements, where the writing was compared to Billy Wilder and I.A.L Diamond…and now my girlfriend thinks I write like Willy Wonka and I’m sure Scriptshadow readers will think I write more like Lester Diamond. But some judges and a studio guy liked it, maybe a few others will too. You never know.
Can we have a word on zombie scripts? The other day I saw my 6 yr old niece playing some zombie game on her kid’s i-pad, and apparently it’s the most popular game. I had an apocalyptic vision of millions of kids growing up already hooked on zombies. Zombies ain’t going anywhere. Disco may be dead, but the undead…well, the undead never die.”
TITLE: Submerged
GENRE: Contained thriller
LOGLINE: Trapped in a shrinking air pocket deep beneath the ocean’s surface, the survivors of a plane crash battle to stay alive long enough for the rescue teams to locate them.
WHY YOU SHOULD READ: “This is my eighth screenplay, all in the action thriller genre. Submerged adheres rigidly to all of the spec script rules laid out on Scriptshadow – it is a low-budget, contained thriller with a marketable concept, set in a unique location, featuring a proactive protagonist who must conquer a potentially fatal flaw to succeed. And it all happens in a reader-friendly 94 pages!”
TITLE: Coin
GENRE: Thriller/Heist
LOGLINE: A brilliant young thief is forced to rob an auction in the heart of Manhattan, but, when the rules change, his mission becomes a life and death struggle to find his tormentor before he kills his mother.
WHY YOU SHOULD READ: “The script was inspired by your French Week review of the Untitled Hlavin project. To its credit, it’s an interesting departure from the normal heist story. Exhibit A. The object being sought is a coin and, although it is valuable, the protagonist stands to make zero dollars for his efforts. Not your standard 80/20 split. Already, things are different. Exhibit B. The protagonist is, for all intents and purposes, retired. Sure, he’s young. But he’s seen the flaw of his ways and changed. Exhibit C. The story is more about the journey than the goal as it explores his life and relationships as he figures out what his next moves will be. He has a good heart and it shows. Together with all of the twists and turns and backstabbing double-crosses, he’s never able to tell who’s with him and who’s not. It all adds up to thrilling adventure that pushes him to the limits of his abilities and wits, climaxing in a thrilling showdown you won’t see coming.”
TITLE: The After-Afterlife
GENRE: Comedy
LOGLINE: Terrified that there may not be life after the afterlife, a group of ghosts must convince the world that ghosts exist by revealing themselves to the crew of a cable ghost show on the night before their haunting place is bulldozed to the ground. It’s something that’s way easier said than done. It is a basic cable show, after all.
WHY YOU SHOULD READ: “In a word: story. This is a story first and foremost. It’s a funny story, but story always, always, always takes precedent over funny. Then, in many words: I wrote with a partner for many years, and we even scored well in a multitude of contests including Nicholl (Semifinals twice) and the Austin Film Festival (Finals). But now I’m trying a few solo scripts, and need to know if I’m good on my own, or if I should beg my partner to take me back.”
TITLE: Shifting.pdf)
GENRE: Supernatural Horror/Drama
LOGLINE: A teenage girl balances high school life with keeping her lycanthropy at bay.
WHY YOU SHOULD READ: “I’ve worked for the city as a 911 call taker for the last, going on seven years. You hear stuff. One minute it’s a guy who robbed the local Best Buy (make that tried) of a PS3 console, tripped and fell in the parking lot, busting his head open in the process — now he’s got a brief hospital visit to look forward to, followed by a slightly longer stint in jail — the next it’s a man playing with his pet puppy, which ended up biting clean through his penis (do. not. ask.), and EMS has to walk him through how to contain the bleeding while his girlfriend laughs uncontrollably in the background.
Not to mention, of course, random conflicts among senior citizens involving tasers.
It can put your mind in a place. Which brings me to “Shifting”. I think I wrote this as a way of staying sane in my most unsanest of professions, but also out of genuine affection for werewolf cinema. Even ‘Bad Moon.'”
Submit Your Script For A Review!: To submit your script for an Amateur Review, send in a PDF of your script, along with the title, genre, logline, and finally, something interesting about yourself and/or your script that you’d like us to post along with the script if it gets reviewed. Use my submission address please: Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Remember that your script will be posted. If you’re nervous about the effects of a bad review, feel free to use an alias name and/or title. It’s a good idea to resubmit every couple of weeks so your submission stays near the top.
Genre: Sci-Fi/Thriller
Premise: (from writer) When a homicide detective learns that the murderer of a Senator was the victim of a high-tech setup, he then uncovers a conspiracy that makes him question everything he believes in, even himself.
Why You Should Read: (from writer) “In 2003 I had a “concept” for a Sci-Fi movie but had never written a screenplay. My wife saw a news piece for a screenplay community on the Internet, where you could upload your work and get constructive reviews and help. I read the first ten pages of the “Terminator” to get an idea of formatting. Using Word templates and a few reference books, I knocked out the first draft of in a week. The formatting was terrible and the story was littered with mistakes. But I pushed on and learned/developed the craft though constructive feedback and hard work. — My ideas were always a little high concept (and budget) so I began to get interested in short scripts and independent film, to both learn and give me a chance at getting produced. 10 years later I’ve just started a draft of my 19th feature script and finished short script 120. So I guess it’s fair to say I’ve been bitten by the bug of screenwriting. I’ve had short films screened in Cannes, won and placed in contests (thrilled that Kenneth Branagh read and selected one of my scripts). But am I any closer to breaking into the business? Hell no! But I’m enjoying the journey and learning as I go.”
Writer: Sean Ryan
Details: 100 pages (August 7, 2013 draft)
Ryan Gosling for Mitch??
I coulda swore I reviewed this script on the site before. I know I’ve given Sean notes on it. But a search back through the archives shows that it’s never been reviewed. But even if it had, I’m interested to see how my notes and the subsequent drafts Sean’s written have improved the script. Sean’s sent me plenty of updates via e-mail so I know he’s been working on it forever. Which leads us to the “21st draft” reference on the title page. Definitely don’t want to keep that there. Readers have this weird thing where if they see you’re on some really high draft, they’re put off. Therefore, it’s always in your best interest to imply that you’re on your 2nd or 3rd draft. That way, they’re always impressed. “Wow, you pulled this off in 2 drafts?!” Lying is bad. Unless you’re a struggling screenwriter.
Moving on, my big issue with the previous draft of SWAP was that it was too generic. I liked the idea, but I thought Sean was making some very obvious choices. When you have a good idea, especially one like this, which allows for a lot of intricate story directions (literally any character in the story can be anyone else), you have to take advantage of it. Let’s see if Sean’s done his job.
39 year-old Detective Mitch Chance has been assigned to one hell of a weird case. Some dude just shot up the inside of a mall, killing a Senator in the process, but now claims that he didn’t do it. He’s on every security cam in the building, yet he says he has no memory of it happening. And a lie detector test confirms his claim. Somehow, this killer believes he didn’t kill.
While everyone else chalks it up to the dude being crazy-time, Mitch can’t get the case out of his head. And things get weirder when he’s contacted by a mystery man to meet in secret. The man tells him to look deeper into the shooter, implying that he didn’t kill those people. But how can someone who’s been video-taped mowing everyone down with an AK-47 NOT be the killer? It’s impossible! Or is it?
Mitch realizes he’s onto something big when he and his family are attacked, presumably because someone knows he’s digging. Naturally, he starts digging deeper, eventually learning that the government is running a secret program called “SWAP” where they can jump into people’s bodies and control them. This allows them to do things like jump into a terrorist’s body thousands of miles away and have him kill all his terrorists buddies, which sounds good to me. But you get the feeling that the naughty government is now using the technology for much less patriotic purposes.
What follows is a complicated game of chess where we’re never sure who’s who. Who’s in who’s body? Mitch is able to jump into bodies in the government’s secret facility, and the government is able to jump into the bodies of everybody close to Mitch (and even Mitch himself). It starts to get really complicated, as nobody can trust anybody. Will Mitch be able to navigate this puzzle and take down the SWAP program? Or will he be yet another victim?
So, what’s the verdict??
This was a tough call. First of all, I really like Sean. You’re never going to find a nicer, more dedicated writer than him. The problem with that is, since I WANT to like the script so badly, I don’t think my judgment was 100% objective.
I will say, though, without question, this draft was better. One of the things we talk about a lot on this site is “dramatic irony.” Although it’s more complicated than this, it basically means the reader is aware that one character is keeping a secret from the other. SWAP, then, has the potential to be a dramatic irony gold mine, since there are a ton of scenes where WE know a character is hiding inside another character, but the other characters in the scene do not know that. To that end, I thought Sean did a good job. Every scene had that extra layer of deception driving it, which kept things pretty entertaining.
What hurt the read for me, though, was that there was a certain thinness to everything. And I saw this being discussed in the comments the other day – this idea of a “fast read,” and how readers are always looking for “fast reads.” And SWAP was just that. The writing was really sparse (rarely was there a paragraph over two lines long) and therefore really easy to get through (I think I read the script in an hour).
But here’s the thing. There’s such a thing as being TOO fast of a read. Sometimes we need that thick description of a major character (“Tall and blond” isn’t enough). Sometimes we need that dark warehouse described in detail in order to create atmosphere. But more importantly, we need the relationships to be more complex. And I’m not saying it’s easy. This is a thriller. It’s tough to keep the story moving quickly – like all the readers want – yet still explore relationships. But it IS possible. Taken, the prototype for a lightning fast thriller, actually sets up a complicated family dynamic in its first act, with a father trying to reconnect with his daughter amidst his ex-wife re-marrying. I wanted SOME kind of emotional storyline like that to latch onto here.
Personally (and I’m not saying this is everyone), I need to be able to connect with the characters in more than a surface-level way to get involved in the story. And again, Sean doesn’t do a bad job here. Mitch’s daughter is almost killed. We see his desire to keep his family out of harm’s way. But I wanted something specific. Maybe Mitch’s daughter is older (15) and starting to pull away from her father. Or Maybe Mitch and his wife have been having problems and she’s thinking of divorcing him. I just reviewed the new Johnny Depp project, Mortdecai, in my newsletter and that’s exactly what they did. Our main character’s wife was pulling away from him, and you got the feeling that unless he succeeded in his goal, she was going to leave him.
These were the things bouncing around in the back of my head while I was reading SWAP, and when I’m reading a great script, there’s nothing bouncing around in the back of my head. I’m just enjoying the story.
I think Sean’s done a good job mastering the structural component of screenwriting. He’s got a good feel for plotting and keeping the story moving. But if screenwriting prowess is measured on a 1-10 scale, I think mastering this aspect only gets you to level 5 or 6. The next step – that leap up to 7 and 8 – requires you to master character development and character relationship development. Learning how to not only build that into your story, but do so in a way that doesn’t slow the story down, is what gets you to a place where agents and producers start noticing you. So this one flirted with a “worth the read,” but didn’t quite make it there. Still, I hope to see more stuff from Sean in the future. But only those 2nd and 3rd drafts. :)
Script link: SWAP
[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: I looked back at my notes for SWAP (when I did a consultation with Sean) and saw this line: “Remember, for every question that’s answered, a new one should be posed.” – I want to commend Sean for listening to that advice. This new draft did a better job of replacing answered questions with new questions. But I bring this up because I’ve read a lot of scripts lately that DIDN’T do this. If you’re going to give us the answer to one of your key mysteries, ALWAYS pose a new one. This way, you’re always dangling a carrot in front of the reader, giving him a reason to keep walking. The second there’s no carrot, is the second we turn around and head back home.
I love seeing movies break out and do a lot better than they’re supposed to. Hollywood likes to think that they have it all figured out. They’ve got formulas. They’ve got formulas FOR their formulas. They can give you opening weekend numbers for a film six months before they’ve even shot it. As the industry continues to move closer to the way the rest of American businesses are run, a specific understanding of how each product is going to do is vital to their business plan. But every once in awhile, something still surprises them. And it absolutely KILLS them. Because even if a film does ten times better than they think it will, somebody fucked up – why didn’t they know that would happen?
This is why I love trying to figure out why a movie broke out. Obviously, directing and marketing and star power are going to be huge factors in any movie’s success. But it always comes back to the screenplay. Every trailer, every poster, every marketing campaign, every great acting performance – all of those things stem from the screenplay. And when it comes to the screenplay, there are two things determining a film’s success at the box office: The first is concept. You gotta give us an idea that will make us come to see the film. And the second is execution. This will determine if people come back again and if they tell their friends to see it.
Now what surprised me as I looked back at the box office over the last couple of years was that there was no out-of-nowhere mega breakout hit. There was no Paranormal Activity or The Blair Witch. No My Big Fat Greek Wedding or Slumdog Millionaire. So maybe the studios ARE getting better at knowing what works and what doesn’t (or maybe it means they’re not taking enough chances). However, there were plenty of movies that over-performed. Here are five of them, and what they can teach us about screenwriting.
The Purge
Projected box office: 20-25 mil
Actual box office: 65 mil
What The Purge teaches us is that the clever high concept idea will never die. If you can come up with a cool exciting premise, somebody will buy your screenplay, it will be turned into a movie, and that movie will do well. The Purge asks the question, “What if for one night every year, there were no laws? You could commit any crime you wanted?” That’s why people went to see this movie, because of its concept. To demonstrate the value of this, consider a near replica film that came out later in the summer, You’re Next. Both films were about a family stuck in a house being hunted by people with masks. But You’re Next didn’t even come close to doing The Purge’s box office, despite being a better movie. Why? Because it didn’t have that catchy concept. It’s why I beg and plead with you guys that before you spend the next 6 months to 2 years writing a screenplay, make sure your concept is something people will be excited to see. Not “want to see.” But BE EXCITED to see.
We’re The Millers
Projected box office: 60 mil
Actual box office: 142 mil
I reviewed this script way back in the day and wasn’t impressed. It felt flat and generic. However, I always thought the idea was good, so I’m not surprised people showed up on opening weekend. But the reason this movie went from a solid opening weekend to nearly 150 million dollars was the script, the script, the script. The script REALLY improved, becoming less about random funny jokes, and more about the relationships and the growth of the characters. When you write a comedy, you want to focus on change. You want all of the characters to grow and become better people by the end of the story. Amateur screenwriters think this is cliché and cheesy and avoid it. Professional screenwriters know it’s the trick to make the movie feel complete, feel like it was worth the ride. If the people we’re watching can change, we think we can change. Which makes us feel good, which makes us talk about the movie fondly afterwards. Which makes our friends want to see it. We’re The Millers buttered itself up in heart. It was about a non-family becoming a real family. It wasn’t just funny. It made you feel good.
The Hunger Games
Projected box office: 125-175 mil
Actual box office: 408 mil
The Hunger Games might seem an odd movie to include on this list, but not in any producer’s wildest dreams did they think this film would hit 400 million. Many people chalk this up to the YA novel phenomenon (which has only begun to hit us, for better or worse) but don’t fool yourselves. Hopeful YA books-turned-movies Beautiful Creatures and The Host couldn’t crack 30 million. So Hunger Games was by no means a sure thing. To me, there were a couple of key ingredients to the film’s success. First, IRONY. With film, the right ironic angle can be like audience crack. And here, it’s as ironic as irony gets. Kids fighting in a game to kill each other. Kids aren’t supposed to fight to the death, so we’re intrinsically drawn to that idea. But I think a lesser known ingredient to the film’s success was the simplicity of Hunger’s idea. Remember that in this day and age, you gotta be able to sell a movie to an audience within seconds, which is why so much emphasis is put on the logline. If you can’t explain your screenplay in one simple sentence, how are producers and studios going to explain it on a billboard? Or in a 30 second TV spot? All you need to know about The Hunger Games is that a game is being held where kids are trying to kill each other. You immediately understand the film. I must’ve seen that Beautiful Creatures trailer 7-8 times and I STILL can’t tell you what that’s about. It’s too confusing. The Host was a little clearer, but not really. This girl is taken over by an alien host. But why? And what happens then? It doesn’t sell itself easily. Back to the crème de la crème of YA adaptations, Twilight – a girl falls in love with a vampire. Simple and to the point. I’m not saying that every single script you write needs to be boiled down to one easy sentence. I’m saying that if you’re writing the kinds of movies you hope to sell to a mass audience, they do.
Argo
Projected box office: 60-70 million
Actual box office: 136 million
Argo is one of wackier studio movies I’ve seen do well. Its success can be broken down into two key categories. First, it’s a combination of two subject matters that aren’t supposed to go together. Making a Hollywood movie meets saving Americans in Iran. Those two worlds don’t mesh. That intrigued people enough to show up. But Argo’s box office came mainly from word-of-mouth. In other words, it succeeded because of its well-executed story. So you might be surprised to know that the film has the most traditional structure of all the films on this list, and maybe even the top 20 films of 2012. Argo is a case study in GSU. You have the goal – go save the Americans in Iran. You have the stakes – if they get caught, they’ll be held hostage or worse. You have the urgency – they only have permission to be in Iran for a few days. So they have to do this fast. I don’t mean to promote my book here or anything, but this is about as clean a setup for a story as there is. GSU, or traditional structure, may have been used by thousands of films throughout history, but THAT’S BECAUSE IT WORKS. It’s the best way to tell a story, hands down.
Silver Linings Playbook
Projected box office: 65 mil
Actual box office: 132 mil
Got to give it to David O. Russel. He took two films with indie premises (The Fighter and Silver Linings) and turned them into big box office hits. That isn’t easy to do. While there’s no doubt Silver Linings Playbook benefited from the casting of two hot actors (Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Laurence), that’s not the reason it made so much money. Cooper’s “The Place Beyond The Pines” didn’t make any money. Nor did his “The Words.” And I’m still looking for a single person who saw Jennifer Lawrence’s “House At The End Of The Street.” There’s a lot more at play here. In fact, Silver Linings does a couple of really smart things. First, it takes a genre and flips it on its head. A romantic comedy between two depressed crazy people. This is one of the easiest ways to make your spec stand out, by giving us a new take on a genre. Never forget that. Second, it gives us two really interesting characters. A bi-polar OCD semi-autistic guy with anger issues, and a clinically depressed slutty neurotic girl. We don’t ever get to see those characters on the big screen, and we definitely don’t get to see them going after each other in a romantic comedy. So that was new and exciting. But what I loved about Silver Linings was that it knew it needed boundaries. It knew that crazy doesn’t work without a focused narrative. Cooper’s character’s goal to get his ex-wife back coupled with the dance competition narrative is what allowed these characters to be so nuts without the film running off the rails.
And so there you have it. My belief on why those movies did well. With that said, it’s also important to admit when you don’t know jack shit. And there were a few movies that succeeded over the last couple of years that have straight up baffled me. Like Lincoln. That film made 180 million dollars. I didn’t think it’d break the million dollar mark. The script is all talk talk talk. Zero action. The trailer made me think of something I was forced to watch during History class. I know Spielberg directed it and Daniel Day Lewis acted in it, but the similar-in-tone (and theme) Amistad didn’t do any business, and while Day Lewis is an amazing actor, he’s hardly box office gold. So I have zero idea how that movie did well and am open to suggestions. I’m surprised “42” made 95 million. That film looked really generic (though they did market it well). Didn’t think Ted would get anywhere near 220 million. Uber-generic Safe House’s success still shocks me. So yeah, I still have questions. But that’s what makes analyzing these movies and their success so fun.
Genre: Psychological thriller/horror
Premise: A group of rich college kids go out on their boat, only to learn that the disturbed kid they bullied the night before has snuck on to get revenge.
About: Bret Easton Ellis, best known as the author of American Psycho (which went on to become a movie starring then struggling actor Christian Bale) wrote today’s screenplay which, at one time, was to be directed by American Gigolo and Cat People director (and Taxi Driver writer) Paul Schraeder. That was back in 2011. With Schraeder recently releasing that terrible Lindsay Lohan James Deen movie, I’m assuming he’s moved on from Bait and that it’s available to be picked up again.
Writer: Bret Easton Ellis
Details: 97 pages – 8/19/11 draft
Studios, production companies and television networks have been desperately scrambling to figure out how to capitalize on the strange unforeseen phenomenon known as Sharknado. Even Syfy itself tried to follow the hit up with something called “Ghost Shark.” They quickly found out that shark apparitions aren’t even in the same tweetosphere as a sharknado.
Well, maybe we’ve found our next surprise shark-centric hit. Not that its writer is exactly an unknown. Brett Easton Ellis has already lit the literary world on fire with American Psycho. But he made the mistake of writing this script in a pre-Sharknado world. Things are different now. Sharks are “hot,” as Hollywood likes to say. And hey, who doesn’t want to see a group of frat boys being fed to the local shark population? Duh. I do!
Bait centers around 21 year-old Cole, a meek kid who works over at the marina as a local boat hand. At this particular moment, Cole is being threatened by a young woman named Rainn. Rainn is trying to explain to Cole that the two never had a relationship and that she doesn’t want him creeping her out anymore. If he keeps trying to call her or see her, she’s going to have to get a restraining order. Cole seems baffled by all of this, and since we don’t know the specifics of their relationship, it’s hard to tell if she’s overreacting or Cole really is some psycho stalker.
After that bummer of an ordeal, Cole heads out to the beach, where he spots a college party going on. He sees a beautiful 22 year-old girl, Haley, drinking with her friends and decides to approach her. Despite her being way out of his league, she finds him interesting, and the two talk and flirt for awhile.
Little does Cole know, Haley’s on-again-off-again perpetually drunk boyfriend, Ryan, catches wind of their chat. He storms over with his frat buddies and things get out-of-hand really quickly. Ryan beats Cole to a pulp, then his friends strip him down until he’s naked and Ryan actually urinates in his mouth. Yeah, it’s disturbing stuff. Eventually Haley yanks Ryan away and everyone darts off as the police show up.
The next day, a beaten and bruised Cole learns that his attackers are going out on a joy ride on one of the local boats. He works his connections and is able to sneak on as the boat hand. Besides Ryan and Haley, we have Ryan’s best bro-friend, Cade, Cade’s hot bro-girl, Felicia, and the only non-gorgeous (but still attractive) member of the group, Chloe.
The boat goes out onto the ocean, anchors, and everything seems to be going fine, until Cole comes upstairs and they recognize him. Everyone thinks something is up, but Cole convinces them that it’s all a coincidence and that he’s over last night. Let bygones be bygones. The bro-clan is happy that the party’s still on, so they all dive into the water and start horsing around.
And that’s when shit gets ugly. Cole slashes the captain’s face with a box-cutter. He then yanks the ladder up so that nobody can get back onto the boat. And that’s when the sharks show up. The group pleads to please let them back on the boat, but Cole stands idly by as the sharks start munching into them one by one.
Eventually, Cole lets Haley up, but not to save her. I don’t know if this guy is off his medication or what, but it appears that Rainn’s initial fear that Cole was a psycho was spot on. Cole actually tries to rape Haley. The blood swirling around in the water has now brought even more sharks, and it’s complete chaos. Haley’s able to get away, but if she plans to get out of this, she’ll have to figure out how to get her friends back on the boat, a task that’s looking less and less likely as the sharks get hungrier and hungrier.
No ghost sharks here!
You know, I’ve never read American Psycho. I saw the movie, which I remember thinking was pretty good, but this is my first introduction to Ellis’s writing. Obviously, it’s probably a lot different from his novel writing, but that sort of detached and violent misogynistic style he’s famous for was clearly on display here.
I mean there are some really disturbing squirm-in-your-seat moments, such as the friends ripping Cole’s clothes off and urinating in his mouth. Or when Cole tries to rape Haley. You read those moments with a horrified fascination, wondering if what’s happening is really happening.
But what surprised me about Bait was how dialogue-centric it was. I mean this thing is pure dialogue. You know how a lot of screenwriters will write things in between their dialogue lines like, “Joe pauses,” or “He turns the light on,” or “Frank sighs, disappointed.” Ellis doesn’t have any of that. It’s just pure dialogue. And it’s refreshing. I think we can overwrite all those “between-dialogue” descriptions when, in reality, none of them are probably needed. I mean, I didn’t miss them here. And the script just flew by as a result.
What’s most interesting about Bait is that there isn’t really anyone to root for. Or, I should say, everyone you want to root for is also someone you hate. At first, we have Cole, who’s beaten to a pulp by the frat-boys. Naturally, we sympathize with him. We don’t like bullies beating up people so we want him to get back at them. However, when Cole starts killing people and trying to rape Haley, that kind of overrides the whole “beaten up” thing.
Strangely, then, Ryan becomes more sympathetic. We want him to somehow get back on the boat in order to save Haley. However, Ryan’s the one we saw pissing in a guy’s mouth the night before. So we’re not exactly on the BFF train with him either. This leaves us constantly feeling wrong or confused about who we’re rooting for, which leaves a strange taste in our mouths as we’re waiting to see what will happen.
The thing is, the situation in Bait is compelling enough that, regardless of who we are and aren’t rooting for, we’re still hooked. We want to see how this is going to end up. To me, Bait is driven completely by suspense. From the second Cole decides to sneak on that boat, we know this is going to end badly. And from that point forward, a number of things (him taking the ladder away so the guys are stuck in the water, him bringing Haley back on the boat) further our curiosity about what’s going to happen next.
Besides some really difficult-to-get-through passages, the only real complaint I have about Bait is I wish Cole would’ve done a little more to bring the sharks around. This is called “Bait,” yet the sharks showing up almost seems to be a lucky accident. If he could’ve planned that, like secretly leaked a bloody trail of meat as they drove out into the ocean, then his plan would’ve seemed more clever.
But other than that, this definitely kept me engaged. And it’s unlike any script I’ve read. It’s this sort of psychological horror script that’s dialogue-driven for 70% of the story, then it turns and becomes all action (with the sharks’ arrival). This guy’s definitely got his own voice. We’ll have to see if he’s able to use that voice to get Bait back on the Hollywood radar.
[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Limit your “between-dialogue” descriptions. You probably don’t need them. Try this experiment. Go to a heavy dialogue scene in your script and eliminate all the description in between your dialogue. Chances are, it will read better. You may have to add back two or three descriptions in order for the scene to make sense. But otherwise, most of that writing will be extraneous.
Genre: Sci-fi
Premise: (from IMDB) In 2039 Detroit, when Alex Murphy – a loving husband, father and good cop – is critically injured in the line of duty, the multinational conglomerate OmniCorp sees their chance for a part-man, part-robot police officer.
About: This draft of Robocop was written by Joshua Zetumer. Zetumer sold his first script, Villain, to 2929 studios a few years ago. Although he started out writing big sprawling action films, Villain was the script that got him noticed, secured him an agent, and ultimately landed him a sale. The script impressed director Marc Forster enough that he asked Zetumer to rewrite Quantum of Solace. In fact, the script led to a whole host of large scale assignments, including the Leonardo DiCaprio project, The Infiltrator, and the remake of Dune. Zetumer cites Chinatown as the biggest influence on his work. Despite all the work Zetumer’s been doing since the Villain sale, Robocop will be his first feature credit, a strange byproduct of the Hollywood screenwriting system (when are they going to add an “employed writers” credit? They give a credit to the guy who cleans the director’s car for God’s sake). The director of Robocop, Jose Padilha, first broke on the scene with his chilling documentary, Bus 174, about a drug-crazed madman’s takeover of a Rio de Janeiro bus.
Writers: Joshua Zetumer (revisions by Nick Schenk)
Details: 126 pages – January 20th, 2012 draft (this is an earlier draft of the script and does not reflect the final film)
Like many people who saw the original Robocop as a child, my view of movies was forever changed. Okay, well, maybe it didn’t have THAT big of an effect on me, but it was a really cool movie. I mean, what kid didn’t want to be Robocop after seeing that suit? And then, of course, there was the violence. You see, back in the day we didn’t have “warnings” and parental movie-watchdog sites that told parents every little potential thing that could psychologically damage your child for the rest of his life. You just showed up at the movie and whatever you saw, you saw. So no one knew their kids would be watching a gang of criminals heartlessly tearing our hero to shreds for what seemed like ten minutes onscreen. By the time that showed up, it was too late to turn back.
Revisiting the film a few years ago, though, it was notably a lot cheesier than I remembered it. It was still good, don’t get me wrong. But with violence no longer being at the top of my “why I enjoy movies” list, I found the movie a little less engaging.
Now what this means for a remake, I don’t know. Usually when something’s being remade, you have a strong opinion on it. What! They’re remaking Psycho! F*ck that! Or: Oh hell no! They’re redoing The Wicker Man! That’s a classic! I hate you, world! — With Robocop, though, I don’t really feel anything. On the one hand, it makes sense to remake it. A robot cop kicking the asses of all the bad guys can still be a cool film. On the other, I don’t know if today’s audience cares. I’m reminded of the recent Total Recall remake, which had way better special effects and production value than the original, but ultimately felt like a vapid film. And I think it’s because Total Recall’s success was a product of its time, something I’m afraid may also be the case with Robocop. And these trailers of the film aren’t helping. They’re not bad. But to stand out from the pack with an effects-driven concept film, you gotta be better than “not bad.”
It’s the year 2039 and Officer Alex Murphy is Detroit’s top cop. But he’s fighting a battle he can’t win. Crime has gotten so bad in the city, most of the cops have given up and joined the bad guys. The worst bad guy of them all is Antoine Vallon, a crime lord who’s got most of Detroit in the palm of his hand, and it’s only a matter of time before he has the rest.
Meanwhile, a corporation named Omnicorp is the fastest rising company in the world. Their products are robotic drones that go into places like Iran and clear them out so that the U.S. army doesn’t have to. We can now fight wars without losing a single soldier. Pretty sweet. Omnicorp wants to use these drones as policemen in the U.S. but the U.S. is too litigious. If a robot-drone accidentally kills one person, Omnicorp will be sued up the ying-yang.
So someone in the company comes up with a nifty idea to FUSE a robot-drone with a person. This way, it’s still the person making the decisions. Bye-bye lawsuit. Now they just need their first volunteer. Except who’s going to volunteer to become half-robot? Well, turns out the decision’s made for our poor Alex Murphy, as Antoine shoots him up until he’s basically a stump.
Since becoming a robot-cop is the only way he’ll live, Alex’s wife agrees to the procedure, and we get Robocop! Unlike the original Robocop, however, he doesn’t go right to the streets. He trains in places like China and Iran. Why? Ya got me! A few years later, he comes back to Detroit and begins his career as the first Robocop. Things go well at first until Alex starts yearning to be with his family again, which results in a very personal journey that ends with him finding out the shocking truth about his transformation.
Vintage Robocop!
Robocop is obviously trying to make a statement about the world – about drones in particular. It’s a hot-button topic so I applaud Padilha for wanting to take it on in a Hollywood film. The thing is, it doesn’t fit. This is Robocop. We’re supposed to be in Detroit watching him kick ass, Robocop-style. So every time we’re in another country taking on terrorists or training, I’m sitting there going, “Uh, what’s going on right now?” I mean, yes, it does mirror the drone debate. We use drones in other countries and the next question is, will we use them here? But again, just from a pure story standpoint, I was confused as to why we were spending so much time away from Detroit. I mean, Robocop doesn’t start fighting crime until page 70! Not only was that late, but it meant the real story here (cleaning up Detroit) didn’t get started until page 80! Might explain why the script is 126 pages.
That leads to another plot point, the legalese of it all. In the script, a TON of attention is given to this idea that they can’t build a drone in the U.S. because of the legal implications of it killing someone. So someone comes up with the idea of fusing a drone with a person. That way the person still makes a mistake and they’re free of liability. The problem is, the reasoning is really flimsy and I mean, come on — you think just because a person’s in that suit that Omnicorp isn’t getting sued to the nines if it kills someone? Of course they are. Sometimes, as writers, we want something to work so badly that we over-explain it in hopes that the reader will eventually buy in. But if the idea is flawed from the get-go, it’s not going to work. And it didn’t work here.
A lot of you are probably wondering what the difference is between old Robocop and new Robocop. Well, Robocop goes through 4 stages as he trains over a few years (Robocop 1.0, 2.0, 3.0, and 4.0). So he’s got a lot of different looks. He also has a ‘social’ and ‘swat’ mode. Social mode looks nice and cuddly for the general public. But when he switches into swat mode, his suit darkens and he looks more like a badass motherf*cker. You’re also going to get a Robocop who can run as fast as a car and that has his own Robobike, which he can “fuse” into. Oh, and Robocop can dodge bullets!
I think I heard that the new Robocop is rated PG-13, which would make sense because they DON’T SHOW the big scene where Alex Murphy is shot up, deciding instead to skip over it. I was a little disappointed by this because THAT was the scene that made us care about Robocop so much. Anything you can do to create sympathy for our hero and hate for our bad guy is going to make us root for our protagonist more. So I’m not sure getting rid of the scene (which I’m thinking was done for PG-13 reasons) was a good idea. However, that scene’s absence does come back to the story in an interesting way, so I’ll give Zetumer and Padhila that.
Oh, and if they keep the ending of the script, a veritable war in the Detroit streets, and they execute it right, that right there might be worth the price of admission. While a lot of Robocop was by-the-numbers, the final climax showed so much promise. It’s Robocop versus those huge AT-AT Walker things from the original Robocop. I’ll buy that for a dollar.
But yeah, while I admire this script for being ambitious and tackling a big debate (drones), I think that actually hurt the script. You guys know I like focus in my movies, and the international stuff always seemed to unfocus the script. We were all over the place. I mean at one point Robocop is fighting Al-Queda in the Middle East. What?? I don’t know if Padhila could’ve explored the drone stuff by only staying in Detroit. But it would’ve made for a better more focused film in my opinion. Still, Zetumer does a decent job with what he’s asked to do, and since Justin Bieber is executed in this script (yes, you read that right – well sort of anyway), that’s going to tip the scales to a “worth the read.” Sorry Biebs.
[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Action-ize boring scenes. There are certain perfunctory scenes in your script that you must write. They’re required by the story. But don’t think they have to stay perfunctory. Look for ways to throw a wrench into the scene, a surprise if you will, that’ll force your hero to act. In other words, action-ize the scene. In the middle of the script, Robocop needs to be introduced to Detroit by the mayor. This is potentially a straight-forward scene. The mayor introduces Robocop. Long boring speech. A reaction from the audience. Scene over. Instead, however, Zetumer introduces a criminal in the audience. Robocop immediately switches to SWAT MODE and must take the criminal down. In other words, don’t be afraid to break open traditionally boring scenes and turn them into something exciting.
