Let’s try not to be this guy.

Something that’s been working really well lately is including amateur screenplays in my weekly newsletter.  The feedback has really helped me determine which scripts to review and raised the quality of Amateur Friday immensely.  That’s not to say I don’t want to ever review a bad amateur script again.  You can learn a lot from reading a bad screenplay.  In fact, it’s one of the more underrated ways of improving your screenwriting.  When you read something good, the screenwriting world is all roses and bunnies.  Everything seems easy and it’s impossible to do wrong.  But when you read something bad, you more easily identify similar mistakes in your own writing.  “Ohhh,” you realize, “that’s why the love scene between my blind protagonist and his autistic boss doesn’t work.”  It’s a chore to get through those scripts, I know, but I promise you’ll be a better writer for it.

The success of the amateur newsletter has given me all sorts of ideas on how to expand the hunt for material and continue to give writers more opportunities to break through.  But it’s only going to work if you guys participate.  So if you’re on the newsletter, take a minute and download the amateur scripts.  Read until you get bored, whether that be on page 1 or page 120.  Report back to me on what you thought and, if you stopped reading, why.   You could be the person who notices a quality screenplay, resulting in a review, and maybe getting that writer noticed by the industry.  You could make a difference!  And I promise you, making a difference is one of the best feelings you can get in this business.

If it all works out, days like these will have even better scripts, since you won’t be picking from completely random screenplays, but rather screenplays that have already been approved by your peers!   Now for you vets, you know how today works.  For you newbies, I’m including the first ten pages of 10 amateur screenplays that have been submitted to me for Amateur Friday.  Read anything that sounds interesting (or doesn’t) and share your opinions in the comments section.  Any script that gets a fair share of positive feedback will probably get reviewed on the site.  Enjoy!

Title: The Plea
Genre: Drama
Logline: Patrick McQuaid comes from a tough, working class, South Boston-Irish Catholic family. He finished at the top of his class in law school, recently passed his bar exam but has never tried a case. That changes when he takes an in-house counsel position at a Boston Free Clinic, where he has to defend an Iraqi vet suffering from PTSD, who’s on trial for the attempted murder of a Boston Police Officer.
Extra details: Included in my latest newsletter, some of you reported back that this one was pretty good.

Title: Thread
Genre: Crime/Musical
Logline: Set in a fictionalized Los Angeles, over run by a sprawling favela called “Paradise City,” Vale, a young man, joins Paradise’s notorious kidnapping gang to exact revenge on a system that failed him.
Extra details: A couple of people have told me that this one has something to it.  Others have told me it’s unreadable.   I like bizarre scripts that take chances.  And we never have musicals on here.  So even though I haven’t read it myself , I’d like to get more feedback on it.  If this one’s good, it could be a fun one to review.

Title: Scion
Genre: Supernatural
Logline: A naive young man’s dreams of a normal life is hijacked by a charismatic “faith healer” and a powerful media tycoon when both become hell bent on exploiting the young man’s amazing gift…the power to raise the dead. — This one comes from a writer who’s optioned a couple of scripts but hasn’t yet broken through.
Extra details: Of all the amateur scripts I’ve sent out recently, this one is getting the best response.  I’ve decided I’m already going to review it, but thought I’d put it up anyway to see what you guys think.

Title: Hamsters
Genre: British darkly-comedic caper-thriller.
Logline: A writer’s inadvertent bag-swap with a pair of BDSM aficionados, one of whom is a would-be blackmailer, leads to murder … and hamsters!
Extra details: I just had to give this one a shot because the author’s e-mail picture is actually him holding a hamster.

Title: The Great Belzoni
Genre: Historical Adventure
Logline: The Great Belzoni is based on the life of Giovanni Belzoni (1778-1823), a 6’8″ circus strongman who journeys to Egypt in 1815 and becomes the greatest buccaneer in the history of Archaeology. Using modern scientific methods, he robs the Pharaohs tombs and fills an entire wing of the British Museum.
Extra Details: From the writer on why you should read the script: “My inspiration for this script is Raiders of the Lost Ark. To me, it’s a perfect movie, one of the greats. I know everyone on Script Shadow loves it as well. But when I send the script out to Agents and Producers, all I hear is how much they like the writing but because it’s a period piece and they’re afraid to touch it. A period piece? Raiders, in case they forgot, was a period piece AND the greatest action movie ever made! — Even though The Great Belzoni is set in 1815 and is based on actual events, I tried to make it a slam-bang action movie in the pulp style of Raiders of the Lost Ark. It has bar fights, chase scenes (on land and water), shoot-outs, sword fights, duels, scientific displays, tomb openings, tomb robberies, warehouse robberies, treasure maps, dastardly villains, damsels in distress, friendships, love and the pursuit of immortality.

Title: The Life Intended
Genre: action/drama/fantasy
Logline: A wrongfully institutionalized teen and the father she never knew must navigate a cross-country road trip littered with assassins to pass on a supernatural family legacy and control of a billion dollar foundation.
Extra Details: Writer is moving his family to LA to pursue the dream. Now that’s putting it all on the line!

Title: Cow Cross Calling
Genre: Period/drama/action
Logline: A condemned-to-hang London thief discovers he has more in common with his enemies than his masters when he’s gang-pressed into a secret frontier war in early Australia.
Extra Details: I gave the writer notes on this one. Has one of the more gruesome opening scenes I’ve read!

Title: Aquaman: Redemption Hour
Genre: Action/Comedy (How can an Aquaman movie be anything BUT a comedy?)
Logline: Aquaman retires when he is fired from the Justice League for being a “lame superhero.” But when mankind’s safety is threatened by a natural disaster and a dangerous adversary, he is the world’s only hope. Unfortunately, he must battle his own insecurities first.
Extra Details: Included in the e-mail: “I think that you should read my script because it is basically the “Anti-Superhero-Movie” movie. It is inspired, funny, and unique. Where else would you find a script about a superhero who interrogates a shark, has a goldfish for a best friend, and kicks a dolphin’s ass?”  This writer sounds funny.  Interested to see if the script is the same.

Title: Princess Park
Genre: Drama
Logline: When a teenage girl claims the Virgin Mary is appearing to her in a Seattle park, a media circus ensues and the Vatican is compelled to send in an investigator to learn the truth.
Extra Details: Writer got a callback from Bruckheimer Films about TV ideas after reading the script.

Title: The Serial Killer’s Apprentice
Genre: Thriller
Logline: A terminally ill serial killer selects an apprentice to carry on his work. But when his protege spirals out of control and targets the mentor’s estranged daughter, the mentor must stop the monster he’s created.
Extra Details: Writer’s reason for us to read: “I think you should read THE SERIAL KILLER’S APPRENTICE because it has fascinating, unconventional characters, a unique sense of humor and compelling irony with resonating, universal themes of mortality and regret. It isn’t afraid to take risks which, in this day and age, is a breath of fresh air.”

Download these pages and tell me what you think. Also, if you’re one of these writers and your script doesn’t seem to be getting any mentions in the comments section, ask the community why. What is it that’s keeping them from reading or commenting on your script?  This is probably the best way for all writers to learn what goes into the process of selection. Good luck. I hope we find something great! :)

How does this art-house darling about a paraplegic look on the page? Pull up your wheelchairs and find out!

Genre: Drama
Premise: When a woman loses her legs in a killer whale accident, she engages in a strange friendship with a street fighter.
About: This is a Belgium film that’s heating up the indie circuit and is as an Oscar contender in the “Best Actress” category for Marion Cotillard. The film is directed by Jacques Audiard, who directed the hit 2009 French film, A Prophet. Audiard has been writing for film and television since the 80s. This is the promotional version of the screenplay being used for Oscar consideration, so I assume it’s the shooting draft.  I’ve also been informed that the movie is in French (didn’t know that when I read it) which means this is a translation.  However, it’s unclear who translated the screenplay to English, and why they wouldn’t format it properly upon doing so…
Writer: Jacques Audiard
Details: 125 pages – August 16th, 2011

Whenever you’re sitting around and someone says, “Oh my God. Have you seen xxxxx? It’s amaaa-zing,” you don’t forget that movie title. You place that one up there on the mental “must-see” list. That’s what happened a few months ago when I heard someone raving about Rust and Bone. I knew then I had to see this movie.

But let’s be honest. The title “Rust and Bone” doesn’t exactly have you microwaving a big bag of popcorn and melting down a half stick of butter to coat it in. It’s the title for a movie you watch alone in the dead of winter when your life is spiraling out of control and the only way you’re going to feel better is to watch something that’s more miserable than you. Sort of like the movie version of Hoarders.

I know, I know. That’s “title stereotyping.” I shouldn’t be doing that. For all I know, Rust and Bone is about two best friends who win the lottery and buy a candy factory.

Orrrrrr…..maybe not. Turns out this one is just as dreary as its title. Hold on to your Paxil people. Shit’s about to get depressing.

Rust and Bone introduces us to Ali, a sort of tough-guy brawler who’s yanking his tiny little kid, Sam, through the forest. After a few phone calls, we gather that he’s just stole Sam away from his ex because of her lousy parenting skills (which include using him to smuggle dope). After a long train ride, the two arrive at his sister’s, who’s not happy to see her bro but allows them to stay with her as long as they pay their way.

This forces Ali to get a job as a bouncer for, I think, boxing matches, though the writing was consistently vague when it came to anything important so that’s actually just an educated guess. It’s there where he meets Stephanie, a loner party-girl with an attitude. When she gets beat up in a fight, he ends up driving her home, where the two have a really awkward disinterested conversation.

The next day we learn that Stephanie is a killer whale trainer at a European version of Sea World, and during the very first stunt of the day, there’s a whale collision (I think??) that results in her losing both her legs. Stephanie goes through a depressing couple of weeks accepting her new life as a paraplegic, then decides to call her old bouncer buddy out of the blue, even though she seemed to hate him at the time.

Ali is surprisingly blasé about Stephanie’s lost legs, and agrees to fuck her if she’s ever horny, since there aren’t many stand-up guys looking for paraplegics (sorry, I had to go there). She goes along with this agreement and, soon, the two start to actually like each other. Ali eventually gets pulled in to the very boxing matches he’s bouncing, starts winning a bunch of money, and the two end up happily ever after – or as happily ever after as two can be when one person doesn’t have any legs.

Whoa. Where do we begin?

I was so dismayed by this screenplay that I couldn’t write a review without doing some research on the film and finding out how anyone was able to make it out of the theater alive. Things started to make sense when I found the trailer, which is actually really good. If that was my only reference to the movie, I would want to see it. I also found out it was from the same director who did The Phophet, which is one half of an awesome movie. And even though it eventually wanders into total randomness (Go watch it if you haven’t yet. It just keeps going and going and going), there’s no doubt that the director is extremely talented.

But the same problem with the second half of that film is the problem with all of this film. The story is all the hell over the place. I mean it’s a French film, so focus and structure aren’t going to be a priority. But there’s a difference between a script that doesn’t depend on structure and a script that completely ignores structure. This script felt like skin without any bones inside. There’s nothing propping it up.

Let’s start with the kid. Why was he in the movie? We start on him. The implication is he’s important, maybe even the primary focus. His dad having to take him away from his overbearing mom reinforces this. He then proceeds to disappear for 110 pages (spoiler) until he gets caught under an ice lake in the final scene!!! Wtf???

Then there’s Stephanie, who we meet out partying. The next morning, she’s all of a sudden a Killer Whale performer. Just something that seemed totally out-of-character from the person who had been set up (and not in a “that’s the idea” way).  But what was more startling was that one scene later her legs are chomped off during a performance. Don’t we need to establish her life as a trainer first before turning her into a Halfsie? It would be like in Million Dollar Baby if in the very first fight, Hilary Swank fell on that stool and became paralyzed. Not only that, but the scene was so poorly described, I didn’t know it was the whale who bit her legs off until page 95 when it was explicitly stated. At the time, I thought some electrical equipment fell on her legs. That’s how often I was confused while reading this.

Then there was the dialogue. Now, in retrospect, I realize this is translated, but still, the translator should’ve prevented unbearable lines like “Stop this car on the double!”  And when a defeated intern is being scolded for her job performance, she counters, “What are you trying to make me believe, that I wasn’t up to par?” I can’t imagine anyone saying that sentence ever.  If you’re having your script translated for Oscar voters, make sure it’s from someone who knows what they’re doing.

Then there were these elaborately described characters who were presented as potential cornerstones of the story, only to disappear two scenes later. Like Giles, the heavily scarred fellow paraplegic Stephanie meets in rehab. I mean this guy was more well-drawn and memorable than probably anyone except for Stephanie. Yet he’s gone before you can press your scroll button.

I’m still wondering if this is a culture thing. These character-driven movies with floating storylines and zero structure fit better with European audiences who don’t need everything to be so clean-cut, so buttoned-up. Their movies are more like real life (or as real-life as someone getting gobbled up by a whale can be). So I’m really curious what the European (and particularly French) Scriptshadow readers think of this. But I just could NOT get into it at all. I need structure! There’s a fine line between “purposefully unfocused” and “sloppy,” and this felt sloppy to me.  Despite this, I will see this movie based on the trailer.  In winter.  Up in a mountain.  Inside a shack.  With a stack of Hoarders DVDs.  Wish me luck.

[x] what the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: I’m going to be honest. When something isn’t formatted correctly, I completely lose confidence in the writer. Every little misstep or confusing moment or badly described scene or muddled motivation I see after that is just confirmation of what I already assumed, that the script is going to be bad. Rust and Bone has left-margined character names in the dialogue, underlined slugs, lack of spacing between some action blocks. I’m not ruling out that this format may be commonplace in France. But if you don’t already have the movie made (like Jacque) and you’re writing for the American market, good formatting has to be a given. Once I see even ONE PARAGRAPH that’s incorrectly formatted in a script, I think to myself, “They’re not using professional screenwriting software which means they’re not serious about screenwriting which means this is going to be bad,” because that’s what’s happened the last 99 scripts I read with bad formatting. So please don’t make this very avoidable mistake!

One more quick thing regarding the book. There seems to be a misunderstanding regarding the offer I put out in my newsletter, with people believing that I was offering scripts for positive reviews. This wasn’t the case. I did incentivize readers who read the book to give Amazon reviews for two “mystery” screenplays, but I never told anyone to give a positive review. In fact, quite the opposite. This is what I said (caps were included): “I DO NOT WANT YOU TO LIE in your review! Be honest, please. That’s important to me. I’m just aiming for 300 Amazon reviews, good, bad, or indifferent, and I know you guys can get me there.” I hope that clears things up and thank you to everyone who tried to make this clear to those who had the wrong information. Onwards and upwards! :)

Hey everyone. For those of you who read about an offer from me to send you screenplays in return for posting a review of my book on Amazon.com, I need you to know that I can’t provide that exchange. Feel free to read my book and review it, but not with the expectation that I will be sending you any screenplays in return. Thank you so much for understanding.

This project is bursting with backstory to the point where you don’t know what to focus on. Maybe we’ll start here: Is “What Makes Sammy Run” the next Citizen Kane?

Genre: Comedy-Drama
Premise: In the 1930s, energizer-bunny producer Sammy Glick became one of the biggest producers in Hollywood. But even with all his success, he still had one thing missing – someone to understand him.
About: This one has an interesting backstory. The script is based on a 1940s novel by Budd Schulberg, who happened to be the screenwriter for 1954’s Oscar-winning screenplay, “On the Waterfront.” Now this is just hearsay, but the rumor is that Steven Spielberg acquired “Sammy” to make sure it never got turned into a movie because of its blatant racism towards Jews. Still, Ben Stiller became attached to star somehow and wrote the script with Jerry Stahl, the guy Stiller portrayed in the cult favorite, Permanent Midnight, which Stahl wrote. That was about Stahl’s $6000 a week heroin habit while he was a writer on NBC’s, “Alf.” This looks to be the final draft they turned into the studio, but for whatever reason, it never got made.
Writers: Ben Stiller & Jerry Stahl (based on the book by Budd Schulberg)
Details 3rd Draft (April 1st, 1998)

I don’t know what I expected when I opened this script. Actually, I do. I figured it was going to be some piece of trash that Stiller and Stahl belted out between projects. Not because I didn’t have faith in the two. From what little I know of their writing, both these guys are competent. But I figured, if it was forgotten, there was a probably a reason for that. The script wasn’t any good.

And that’s exactly how the script started. It was a mess! I know Stahl had a very public substance abuse problem and my guess is that most of that abuse took place during these first ten pages. We start in the 30s, flash-forward to the 90s, go back to the 30s, then flash back WITHIN the 30s. Oh, and not too long after, we find ourselves in 1965! What the hell??

However, once the story finds its bearings, it turns into this tragic strangely moving tale of a really lonely man. In fact, one might even compare it to Citizen Kane, which it seems the two writers (and author) were strongly influenced by. I’m not going to say anything crazy, like it’s as good as Citizen Kane. But it’s hard to read this and not be reminded of that film. So what’s it about?

Sammy Glick.

It’s New York, the 1930s. Radio was still cool. This is where we find producer/writer Sammy Glick. Sammy writes radio plays. Actually, he has his secretary ghost-write them for him. Sammy doesn’t need to write. Not when he has the gift of gab. And boy does he have that gift.

As we see early, this nobody 20-something radio writer cold-calls the biggest agent in LA and tells him he’s gotta a hot script for him. The writer of that script, a naïve young man named Julian Blumberg, is excited that someone – anyone – likes his screenplay, so he’s more than thrilled to have Sammy pitching it for him.

But Sammy’s plans aren’t exactly on the up-and-up, as his co-worker Al Manheim notices. Al is the opposite of Sammy. He’s a slow-talker. He stumbles over his words. He’s uncomfortable in social situations. If you would’ve put Al on the phone with that agent, he would’ve hyperventilated his way into a coma.

But Al, unlike Sammy, is actually a talented writer. Which is why it’s so ironic that Sammy’s the one jumping up the ranks. In fact, it isn’t long before Sammy moves out to California and starts producing movies. Nothing big. Not yet at least. But he’s starting to be a player. All because he can sell ice cubes in Alaska. He’s the stereotype slimy no-talent producer who makes everyone else do the work, then takes the credit in the end.

And that’s exactly what he does to poor Julian Blumberg. He steals his script and slaps his own name on it. The film is a hit and pretty soon Sammy is practically running a studio. In the meantime, poor Al, the guy who does things “right,” gets spit out of Hollywood faster than an A-cup porn actress, and resorts to drinking himself to sleep every night back in New York.

But all isn’t so bad for Al. Through Sammy, he meets the beautiful Kit, another talented writer, and she becomes his muse, inspiring him to write again. You may be able to figure out the rest for yourself, but in the end, it’s Al who finds his way to happiness and Sammy who realizes that while he has all of Hollywood in the palm of his hand, he hasn’t got a single friend to share it with.

Let’s jump right into it. Structurally, “Sammy” is messy. After the confusing time-jumping opening I mentioned above, we settle into some sort of rhythm, but this isn’t your typical screenplay with character goals and shit. It’s a tragedy. Which means we’re going to see our hero rise up. And then we’re going to see him fall. See that’s what you have to remember. In “happy” movies, the main character always overcomes his flaw. He changes. But in a tragedy, the flaw is never overcome, and ultimately does our character in.

Sammy’s flaw is that he only thinks of himself. He cheats and lies in order to get what he wants, regardless of who it hurts. Since he never learns to change this part of himself, he of course ends up sad and alone. Tragic indeed!

Hold up though. Let’s get back to those opening pages. How can they be such a mess and the writers get away with it? Not only are we needlessly jumping all over the place, Stiller and Stahl don’t do a very good job explaining who the characters are or what they do (I didn’t know if Al was a critic, an author, or a radio writer. At certain points he was all three). Well, they get to do this because they’re working with the producers. They’re hashing things out between drafts, explaining to them what they’re going to do next. Because of this, the producers have some context when they read the pages. You’re not talking to any producers as an unknown spec writer. So they don’t have that context. Which means you gotta be a lot clearer. Unfair? Yes. But that’s the way it is.

Another thing you gotta be clear about is your female lead. What almost never fails in signifying a good script is when a male writer cares about his female lead – actually takes the time to make her three-dimensional. Because nine times out of ten, a male writer won’t bother figuring out their female lead other than that she’s hot and maybe had a bad childhood. Here, Kit is a fully-formed character with her own goals (she’s trying to start a writer’s guild in Hollywood) and her own agenda.

But it didn’t stop there. The writers actually weaved this development into the storyline in an interesting way. As Al and Kit started to fall in love, Hollywood turns on Kit since she’s trying to form something that’s going to make all the rich guys less rich. Al finds that his opportunity for success may ride on whether he leaves Kit or not. And I found that a really compelling plot development! It just goes to show that when you take the time to make ALL of your characters interesting, you open up a lot more story options.

I started this one trying to keep my eyes open and ended it rubbing the tears out of those eyes. “Sammy” is a complex tale with an unorthodox structure that somehow comes together in the oddest way. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since.

[ ] Wait for the rewrite
[ ] wasn’t for me
[xx] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Transitions. High or low priority? I remember a writer once said to me that the most important thing about a screenplay are the transitions. You had to cleverly or seamlessly cut from one scene to the next. I didn’t know much about screenwriting at the time, but that seemed…I don’t know…dumb. I bring this up because Stiller and Stahl spend an inordinate amount of effort on the transitions. For example, we’ll cut from the loud obnoxious blowing of one’s nose to the loud obnoxious engines of a DC3. Look, that stuff is fun but it’s like number 300 on the priority list of things that need to work in a screenplay. Focus on a compelling story, great characters, sharp dialogue, high stakes, snappy pacing, etc., before you worry about how to dissolve from one scene to the next.