Genre: Drama
Premise: An 11 year old boy survives a mountain plane crash and must use all the tools his father taught him to survive.
About: This one finished low on last year’s Black List. Writer Will Fetters broke onto the scene with Black List script “Remember Me,” a couple of years ago, which had one of the more shocking endings I’ve read and ended up starring heartthrob Robert Pattinson. He then scripted The Lucky One, which starred Zac Efron. Fetters projects seem to have the young hunky actor market cornered. Which begs the question – Which hunky heartthrob is going to play 11 year-old Norman Ollestad. My guess is Alex Petteyfer.
Writer: Will Fetters (based on the novel by Norman Ollestad)
Details: 121 pages (April 15, 2011 draft)
I don’t know why but I was worried about this one. I mean, dramatically, it had the makings for a good story. An 11 year old kid survives a plane crash. He’s gotta use all the skills his father taught him to survive. That could be cool right?
Yeah, it could be. Assuming there was some drama in the story. Assuming there was ANY drama in the story. Crazy For The Storm is one of the most boring screenplays I’ve ever read. I mean at least with The Accountant, you’re sitting there going, “Is this writer insane? What the hell is he going to come up with next??” With “Storm,” it’s as if the story was stripped of every potential interesting development before being let out into the world. For a cool premise, it’s shocking to see how little actually happens in this script.
It starts off in 1979 with this 11 year old boy named Norman Ollestad barreling down a slalom run. Norman is competing against guys five and six years older than him, which means he does’t have the weight to get enough speed to compete. Therefore, his father has taught him how to ski on ice to make up for it. This trick is what allows Norman to win.
But Norman doesn’t seem too thrilled about the victory. He’s more surprised than anything. Cut back to some really high class hippy commune (does that even make sense?) on the beach where Norman goes skateboarding with his buddies. It’s back here where we learn that Norman’s father, Norman Sr., has divorced Norman’s mom, leaving Norman to live with his mom and step-father, whom he detests.
While getting to know Norman’s home life, we flash forward to see Norman, his father, and his father’s girlfriend hop on a Cessna and crash into a mountain. We then spend the rest of the script jumping back and forth between the crash aftermath and Norman’s recent past, particularly his relationship with his father.
What is that relationship? Good question. I have no idea. All I know is that they talk about life a lot and Norman Sr. goes to a lot of weird places. For example, he takes his son down to Mexico to deliver a washing machine to his grandparents. On the way, they’re shot at and nearly killed by Federales. Fun scene. Absolutely no idea what it had to do with anything.
Back to the mountain where Norman realizes his father and the pilot are dead, but that his dad’s girlfriend is still alive. Little 11 year old Norman will now have to carry the 30-something woman down the mountain with him. Don’t worry. He drops her and she dies. Still, it will be a challenge. And if I’m to believe the premise, only his father’s life lessons will allow him to make it out alive. Except they don’t. At all. He just sort of walks down the mountain. And that is Crazy For The Storm for you.
I mean………what??
I don’t know how one script can be so boring. NOTHING happens in this screenplay. Which is really weird to say about a script where a plane crashes into the side of a mountain. How can you write a script where nothing happens after that? I don’t know but it happened.
Let’s start with the idea itself. I remember when this book was optioned and this is how I recall the pitch: A young boy grows up with an overbearing father who forces him to do a bunch of stuff he hates. Then, when the boy is stranded on a mountain after a plane crash, he’s forced to use all those skills his father taught him to survive.
THAT sounded like a story. There was some nice irony involved. A boy hating his father for ruining his childhood but then getting stuck in a situation where all the lessons he taught him ended up saving his life. Good, right?
Well that’s not the story. This story has a father who loves his son. He’s nice to him. He’s helpful. He’s protective. They’re best friends! In other words, there’s NO CONFLICT WHATSOEVER. Which means every scene between them is boring. So when Norman gets stuck on the mountain? No irony. Just – “Okay, let’s use the things dad taught me.”
Except NOT EVEN THAT MAKES SENSE! What did the dad teach him? How to ski? How to surf? Am I missing something here? How do skiing and surfing help you survive a plane crash???? I think there’s one scene where Norman slides down a section of the mountain. So that’s it? Is that the big lesson he learned that saved his life??
The only conflict in the script, actually, is focused on Norman and his stepfather. Not only is it boring, but it has nothing to do with anything. There’s this weird totally separate subplot about the stepfather wanting Norman to focus on getting a football scholarship to USC. Uhhhh, HE’S 11! Shouldn’t we start with graduating 6th grade first? And we already have skiing and surfing and skateboarding in this movie. Now we have football?? Aggghhh!! I’m so confused.
If I were advising this story, this is what I would do. I would create way more conflict between father and son. This story only works with irony. Get rid of the stepdad character. He’s worthless. Spend WAY MORE TIME on the mountain after the crash. It feels like there’s 8 pages of mountain in the entire script. Then, make the mountain scenes actually interesting. There need to be more obstacles. It needs to look like an impossible feat. Outside of losing the girlfriend (who we didn’t care about anyway because her inclusion was so undefined), Norman basically jaunts down the mountain without a hitch.
Watch (or read) Alive. Those guys had to deal with avalanches and starvation and isolation and turning on each other. There was an obstacle at every turn, every few minutes. Here, there are no obstacles! Where’s the drama in that?
Then, when you do cut back to the past, only cut back to him and his father. And build up more of a hatred there. His father should be heartless, unloving, only about teaching his son to be better (at whatever it is he’s teaching him). Norman then grows to resent his father. That way the movie is about this kid who’s gone his whole life believing his father didn’t love him, that he only cared about torturing him, only to learn he actually loved him more than anything, because he prepared him for this moment.
I’m not even scratching the surface here. There were SOOOO many other things wrong with this script – such as the fact that 11 year old Norman talked like he was 22 the whole time. But I’ve already crashed this script into the side of a mountain enough. I’m getting off this mountain. Does anybody have a snowboard I can borrow?
[x] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: This script suffers from one of the worst mistakes you can make as a screenwriter – the passive hero. Norman doesn’t talk much. He doesn’t do much. He just listens to his dad and reacts. Even the 8 pages where he does act (on the mountain) feel restrained. Be REALLY wary of protagonists who don’t talk and are followers. There’s an incredibly high chance they’re boring.
Genre: Comedy
Premise: When washed up magician Bobby Glitter finds out he has a 9 year old son who knows all his tricks, he enlists him to defeat his old nemesis, Seth Desstiny, now the top magician in the world.
About: The Mallusionist finished on the 2007 Black List I believe. I’ve already reviewed one of Robbie Pickering’s scripts, The Devil and The Deep Blue Sea (starring Chloe Moretz and Jessica Biel), which is nothing like this one by the way. In fact, I thought that script was pretty sloppily written. Not the case with this one, which is one of the tightest-structured comedies I’ve read in awhile. Pickering’s writing partner, Ricci, used to be a boom operator. He’s since made some shorts, but is still looking for his first produced credit.
Writers: Jase Ricci and Robbie Pickering
Details: 107 pages (undated)
Focus focus focus.
That’s the name of the game when you’re writing a screenplay. The story has to be FOCUSED. Without focus you have….hmm, what’s the opposite of focus? Blur? You have blur. Or ‘unfocusedness.’ Whatever the hell it’s called, that’s what I spend the majority of my time reading – unfocusedness. Even professional writers have trouble keeping their stories focused for some reason.
Now The Mallusionist isn’t going to win any screenwriting awards. Heck, it probably won’t win any screenwriting contests. But I’ll tell you what. This script is focused. And when you read as much rambling nonsense as I do (ahem, yesterday’s script anyone!), you appreciate when writers get it right. These writers get it right. Oh, and not to mention, it makes you ROTFL too!
Back in the 80s and 90s, Bobby Glitter was one of the best magicians ever to grace the stage. He could rock sequins better than Dolly Parton. But the bigger Bobby got, the bigger his head got, and pretty soon it stopped being about the magic. It became about the girls, the drugs, the fame. I mean sure, he could make a car disappear. But what does that matter when you’ve also made your own SOUL disappear!
So one day a new magician bursts onto the scene who wears black nail polish instead of sequins. He calls himself Seth Desstiny and he’s a huge fan of Bobby’s. Unfortunately, Bobby blows him off, and Desstiny becomes obsessed with taking Bobby down. During a national live show, then, that’s exactly what he does, spiking Bobby’s drink with every hallucinogen known to man. Bobby freaks out (thinking everyone in the audience is a raccoon and starts attacking them), and the resulting fallout sends his career into a tailspin.
Cut to the present day and Seth Desstiny is the biggest magician in the world. Bobby, on the other hand, is scraping by as a talent manager managing children’s party magicians. You see, during the “drugged” event, Bobby lost his depth perception in both eyes, and is therefore unable to perform magic anymore.
But it gets worse. Bobby owes the Quebecian magician/acrobatic team “Cirque du Sommeil” 95 grand. And these French speaking performers aren’t as smiley as their costumes. If they don’t get their money, they’re metaphorically pushing him off the tightrope. As in KILLNG him. Like he’ll be DEAD. So yeah, it’s not looking peachy.
But it gets worse. One of the many women Bobby bedded during those rambunctious 90s ended up having his child! And now she’s dying. So she calls Bobby in to ask him to take care of the kid if she doesn’t make it. Bobby can barely remember this woman and the last thing he wants to worry about is a kid so he tries to sneak the hell out of there.
But when Bobby realizes that his 9 year old chubby effeminate nerdy little son has learned all of his tricks, he sees a huge opportunity. Seth Desstiny is holding a magic contest in a month and the winner gets a hundred grand and the opportunity to face off against him. That’s all Bobby needs to hear. It’s time to train Stevie!
But Stevie doesn’t want to do “magics” (that’s how he says magic). Stevie just wants to watch Oprah, say words like “wondrous” and play G.I. Joes. So Bobby has to do a little persuading. Okay, a lot of persuading. He tells Stevie that his mommy is probably going to die and the one thing she wanted more than anything was for Stevie to go to Vegas with him and become a magician.
Stevie will now have to square off against kabuki magicians, mime magicians, and the dreaded Dante Inferno, who it is rumored knows the ways of dark magic, if he’s going to get a shot at Seth Desstiny. However, when Desstiny learns that Bobby’s kid is gunning for him, he plans to take him out before Stevie even gets the chance.
Okay so yes, this does read a little like a 90s Adam Sandler flick. But the thing to remember is that the 90s Adam Sandler flicks were actually pretty funny. At least compared to the abominations he puts out today. But that’s neither here nor there. I want comedy writers to take a look at the structure of this screenplay because this is about as perfectly structured as you can make a comedy script.
First off, you have the goal. Bobby needs his son to win the Seth Desstiny Challenge. That’s the main component that will drive the story. Once you have that character goal, you can write every scene to push your hero towards that goal.
The second is stakes. Bobby owes Cirque Du Sommeil 95 grand. The winner of the Seth Desstiny challenge gets 100 grand. So if his son doesn’t win the challenge, Bobby will be killed (now that’s high stakes!). Now you can point out how ridiculous it is that the amount of money Bobby owes matches perfectly the prize money for the challenge. I agree that this is ridiculous. However, this is a comedy. And in comedies, you can get away with this sort of thing. I would never agree to this set-up in, say, a drama.
Finally, we have the urgency. This is the only tricky component of the script because there isn’t a traditional ticking time bomb here. But, there are two time-sensitive variables. The first is the Cirque Du Sommeil guys. They’re chasing Bobby and are always on his trail. So we know that sooner or later, they’re going to catch up. Remember, your hero being chased is a great way to create urgency! We also have the competition. This isn’t necessarily a “count down or else” scenario, but it does put a timeframe on everything. Therefore, we know where the movie is headed, which is important if you want to keep the story focused.
I’m not going to say that every movie fits the G(oal) S(takes) U(urgency) model, but the traditional comedy is one that does. So if you’re writing a comedy, you want to make sure these things are in place.
As for the guts of the script, I thought it was pretty funny! It’s cut from the same cloth as Bad Santa, Bad Teacher and Bad Words. Stevie is absolutely hilarious (“magics”). His nonstop use of the word “wondrous” had me on the floor. And the pure level of evil Bobby stoops to to get Stevie to work with him (“Your mom’s going to die unless you do magic”) was so deliciously wrong (but so right!) that I was smiling and shaking my head the whole time. I also thought they handled Bobby’s transformation well. When he starts loving Stevie as a son, it doesn’t feel forced for some reason. I’m not sure how they did this because usually these things read false. But they were just dialed in here. I liked this one WAY more than The Devil And The Deep Blue Sea.
[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Update audiences on where we are in the journey. Imagine you’re on a plane but have NO IDEA how long the flight’s going to be. Sound like fun? I don’t think so. People never truly grow out of “Are we there yet?” We need updates. We need to know how much longer. Therefore, your characters should provide a couple of updates during the script on where we are. For example, on page 45 of The Mallusionist, Bobby tells Stevie, “Okay, we got five more warm-up joints before we get to Vegas for the big competition.” It’s a seemingly insignificant line but it settles the audience. It lets them know where they are on the journey. I’m telling you, if you forget to update the audience, they’ll get impatient. And impatience leads to boredom.
Genre: Thriller
Premise: When an accountant goes in to audit a robotics company, he discovers that some missing money is part of a bigger conspiracy.
About: This script finished low on last year’s Black List.
Writer: Bill Dubuqe (story by Dubuqe and Mark Williams)
Details: Revised draft (4/11) – 113 pages
Hmmm…
Hmmmmmm……
Hmmmmmmmmmmm…..
That’s me “hmmmming.” Because I don’t know what to say right now. I mean I know I read a script titled “The Acccountant,” but I’m not quite sure what it was about.
First of all, the premise sounds pretty cool, right? The auditing of a robotics company leads to a bigger conspiracy? I mean the possibilities there are endless. However, just like a lot of strange things going on in The Accountant, the choice to go with “robotics” as the audited company has nothing to do with anything. This could be a toy company. It could be a computer company. It could be a company that manufactures sunscreen. What the company does has nothing to do with the story (or I should say, very little). That’s not good writing.
But that’s not the only funky un-fresh decision being made here. The lead character, a man named Chris, is autistic. Cool right? Seems like you could go a lot of ways with that. But once again, the protag being autistic has nothing to do with anything. It’s just a nice little character quirk. If you’re going to make your hero autistic, well then dammit that better be integrated into every aspect of the plot. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. I don’t see this story changing at all if, for example, Chris is just anti-social.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s dust off that copy of Excel and see if we can’t break down the odd plot for The Accountant, shall we?
30 year old Chris Wolff is one of the best accountants in the world. Oh, and he isn’t afraid of sketchy clientele either. This guy will audit Bulgarian crime lords if it brings in the dough. Chris also has Asperger’s, a severe form of autism that makes it impossible for him to have any sort of social relationships. I mean even the girl with the dragon tattoo would be like, “Dude, lighten up.”
Oh, and he also moonlights as a hit man. But we’ll get into that later.
So Chris is brought in to look at the books for this big Robotics company that’s run by a Steve Jobs type and his sister. A young bookkeeper named Dana discovered some anomalies in the books a few weeks back, and Lamar, the president, wants it looked into.
In the meantime, a hot federal agent named Marybeth Medina, who’s trying to push her storied past behind her, is trying to find Chris. I’m not going to pretend I know why, because it was all really hazy, but it has something to do with him being associated with some Afghans who were selling drugs or something?
Yeah, as you can see, The Accountant isn’t afraid to go ANYWHERE, regardless of how confusing it makes the story. Asperger’s. Robotics companies. Afghan drug lords. Hit men.
Anyway, when Chris and Dana’s investigation starts turning up accounting inconsistencies, they become disposable targets. Somebody doesn’t want them figuring out where that money went. So they go on the run, forcing Chris and Dana to spend a lot of time together. The two get to talking, and waddaya know? For the first time in his life, Chris starts connecting with someone. This is a big deal because he’s autistic! Luckily for Chris, the bookish but lively Dana loves guys who don’t make eye contact and engage in really awkward conversations. They’re perfect for each other.
Now if Asperger’s, robotics, Afghanistan and hit men aren’t enough for you, how ’bout I throw in a side of Delta Force?? Yes, ex-Delta Force member Brax is called on to hunt down Chris and get rid of this accountant mess once and for all. But when he finally finds Chris, it leads to a shocking conclusion that will…..um…conclude shockingly!
Oh boy. I want to be nice here but this script is all over the place! From the very first page I was having trouble figuring out what was going on. The writing style alone is confusing, with every paragraph containing tons of “…” and “–.”
Just the way things were laid out made reading a challenge. For example, on page 6, we have someone named Frank (who we haven’t been introduced to yet by the way) start talking off-screen: “I know people think farmers make all sorts of money, what with food prices so high… but between insurance, fertilizer costs…” The next line, an action line, reads: “A nameplate reads “Christian Wolff, CPA.” Huh?? What nameplate? Where?? So we’re going from a disembodied dialogue chunk from someone we haven’t met yet to a character intro via a mysterious nameplate that as far as I can tell is floating in mid-air. I went back and re-read this sequence 3 times and finally understood it, but I don’t think anything in a screenplay should have to be read three times to be understood. The entire script was written like this. Clunky. It was never easy figuring out what was going on.
I think the place where The Accountant really lost me though was when we found out Chris was also a hit man. Huh???? Why is he a hit man? What does that have to do with anything? It just seemed so random. And when you add randomness to clunkiness, you’ve pretty much killed your screenplay.
If I were these writers, I would step back and simplify everything. The robotics company audit is a cool idea. All sorts of ways you could go with that. Explore that more. If you want to keep Chris autistic, which does make the character enticing for actors, that’s cool, but make it more relevant. Put him in more situations where emotions are required to get out of tough situations – emotion being the one thing he’s incapable of. But get rid of the Afghans and hit men, please. That’s a completely different movie and just confuses everything.
Unfortunately, because the writing was hard to read, the story was overloaded, and key choices (i.e. making the lead character autistic) didn’t seem to be strongly motivated, I couldn’t get into this at all.
[x] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I Learned: Beware the “Everything And The Kitchen Sink” screenplay. I see this often from writers in their first or second efforts, particularly if they’re writing an action or thriller flick. They just throw EVERYTHING they can think of into the story, believing it will make it ultra-awesome, not realizing that when you throw too many big ideas into your script, they start competing with each other and, in turn, confuse the audience, which is exactly what happened here. This story needs to be majorly streamlined. Start with getting rid of the hit man!
NEW Amateur Friday Submission Process: To submit your script for an Amateur Review, send in a PDF of your script, a PDF of the first ten pages of your script, your title, genre, logline, and finally, why I should read your script. Use my submission address please: Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Your script and “first ten” will be posted. If you’re nervous about the effect of a bad review, feel free to use an alias name and/or title. It’s a good idea to resubmit every couple of weeks so your submission stays near the top.
Will the real Jeff Spencer please stand up?
I need to talk to him. Ask him a few questions. Such as, “Will Carson once again completely disagree with his readership when it comes to a comedy script?” I’ve already had a couple of pro Jeff Spencer e-mails sent my way and am wondering if that’s the general consensus. And if so, what’s my consensus? Am I texting Jeff Spencer back or am I leaving him hanging? y don’t u read the revu & fnd out urself.
We meet Jeff Spencer on his 25th birthday hanging with his best buddies Brendan (the stud of the group), Stevie (the inappropriate fat friend), and Cooper (the not flamboyantly gay friend). They’re drinking at a hip hotel bar, talking about the big 2-5, when Jeff Spencer appears up on television. No, not this Jeff Spencer, but the “real” Jeff Spencer, TV super-stud vampire on the show “Shadows.”
Hahaha. Jeff has had to deal with this joke ever since this ass-clown became famous. But he takes it in stride, yukking it up with his buddies and letting them have their jokes. When the laughs are over, the conversation turns to the fact that Kaitlyn Taylor, the most beautiful actress in the universe, is in town shooting something. Not only that, but the rumor is that she’s staying right here at this hotel!
Liquid courage enables the friends to ask the front desk what room she’s staying in, which they inexplicably give them, and they call her up with Jeff’s phone. It goes to voice mail and they think nothing of it, getting drunker and partying into the night.
Well a day later Jeff gets a call…from Kaityln! She wants to say thanks for calling. Of course, there’s a catch. Kaitlyn thinks this is TV star Jeff Spencer and not “Fake” Jeff Spencer.
When Jeff tells his buddies about the case of mistaken identity, they want him to take full advantage of it. They want him to…TEXT HER. Jeff is not a texter by nature and initially resists but the opportunity to communicate with his dream girl is too awesome to say no to.
So he texts her. And she texts back. And he texts back. And she texts back. And they start a little texting relationship. Jeff’s friends get so involved in this relationship that one of them actually puts together a Kaitlyn “strategy team,” four girls dedicated to studying Kaitlyn so that Jeff’s texts have maximum texting punch.
Of course, Kaitlyn eventually gets to the point where she wants to see Jeff. Which is a problem. Since Jeff isn’t Jeff. He’s “Fake Jeff.” Jeff makes up a variety of excuses why he can’t see her and she eventually leaves it at this – she’ll be at a club for a big party. If he wants to come by and say hello, it’s up to him. Will the fake Jeff Spencer have the guts to go and tell Kaitlyn that he’s not the real Jeff Spencer? The script is yours to download and find out!
I can see the marketing campaign for this one already. Millions of texts appearing on smart phones everywhere. “Is this Jeff Spencer?” It’s a catchy little name, isn’t it? Almost tailor-made for movie advertising.
However, I’m afraid the problem here is that Jeff Spencer’s story could probably be boiled down to a single text. I mean this plot is sooooooooo simple. There is so little that happens that it was hard to get emotionally involved. I mean it was basically, “She texted me. Should I text her back?” “Yes.” Two scenes later. “She texted again. Should I text her back?” “Yes.” I rarely fault a screenplay for being too short, but looking back at Jeff Spencer, I feel like I’ve been the victim of a screenplay drive-by.
This also feels like it’s been written too fast. Important plot points have been glazed over. I mean these guys ask the front desk for the room number of the most famous actress in the country and they just GIVE IT TO THEM??? The guy who earns $5 an hour running a Motel 6 night desk wouldn’t give you the room number for one of his customers. But I guess they give away famous people’s room numbers at prestigious hotels if you ask nicely. And it would be so easy to have fixed this. If they had been best friends with the desk person, then it’d be believable that she’d give them Kaitlyn’s number.
Then they call the room with Jeff’s phone. This then becomes how Kaitlyn gets Fake Jeff’s number. But how did she get his number if he called the room phone? Maybe I’m missing something obvious here but I couldn’t figure that out.
Once we get into the story, the thinness really starts to hurt things. There are zero subplots here. We have 3 other characters and none of them have anything going on other than helping their buddy. Jeff doesn’t have a clear job as far as I can tell. Maybe it has something to do with editing (since he edited something for Kaitlyn at the end) but I couldn’t figure that out during the story. So it just felt like a main character whose only job was figuring out what to text a girl.
Finally, the main character didn’t have a flaw. In a comedy, you pretty much have to give your main character a fatal flaw. Even Mikey’s flaw in Swingers (which is referenced several times here) is that he can’t let go of his old girlfriend – he can’t move on – and that’s what gives his character depth. If he was just a guy trying to pick up girls in Hollywood, we wouldn’t care. It’s that he’s trying desperately to get back on the horse that makes him interesting. Here, with Jeff, there’s nothing going on inside of him, which just makes you feel like there’s nothing that’s happened in his life beyond this event with Kaitlyn.
What really makes or breaks these scripts, though, is dialogue. And the dialogue here is okay. It sounds like a group of 25 year olds talking, which is good. But the dialogue cannot just be “okay” in these scripts. It’s gotta be fucking hilarious and smart and clever all the time. It’s basically gotta blow you away. Either that or the story has to be amazing so there isn’t so much pressure on the dialogue. But since the story is so thin, everything rests on the dialogue and “relatively solid” just isn’t good enough. It’s gotta be great.
If I were Fred, I’d focus on some simple things here. Give the main character a fatal flaw. Add some subplots for the other characters. Add some variety to the main plot. And keep pushing yourself on the dialogue. Keep rewriting it until every single scene is the best you can possibly make it.
This one needs to be beefed up, and therefore wasn’t for me. :(
Script link: The Real Jeff Spencer
Oh yeah baby. It’s Tundra time. Tundra is the first Twit-Pitch script I’m reviewing from my “definite” pile. Now as many of you know, when I reviewed the first ten pages of the Twit-Pitch finalists on Twitter, I had three piles. Pass (didn’t make it to the next round). Maybe (I would look at it again later). And Definite (automatically made it to the next round). There were only 7 definites. This was one of them.
Originally I said I was only going to save the best scripts for last but I really wanted to read something good so I moved Tundra to the front of the line. Please Tundra, don’t let me down.
We’re somewhere near Antarctica inside a German U-Boat. The year is 1942, which means we’re smack dab in the middle of World War 2 when these pesky Germans and their Enigma machines were occupying every centimeter of every ocean and blowing up whatever ship they wanted. If we didn’t figure out a way to crack this Enigma code (the way the Germans communicated with each other) soon, it was looking like there’d be a statue of Hitler outside New York instead of a Statue Of Liberty.
Unfortunately, the Germans in this U-boat won’t be around to see any statues because their ship is attacked by a mysterious entity, jostled around like a can of coke inside the hands of pissed off juggler, and they all die. Cut to black.
Enter the Marines two weeks later. They’ve been sent over from the good ole U.S. of A. to grab themselves a FREE Engima machine courtesy of the mysterious water creature that burped that submarine up to the Antarctic surface. The centerpiece of this operation is a soldier named Sam Gavin, who’s just come back from a recent court martial which you can bet your ass he refuses to talk about.
When they get to the 10 million square foot skating rink, however, they find that things aren’t exactly as they expected (are they ever??). Some guy named Tillman, who’s part of a separate operation out in the Antarctic, has lost his entire camp due to some mysterious attack. Tillman’s here to guide them, I guess, first to his camp where the massacre occurred, and then to the U-Boat.
The marines aren’t too perked about this little side-mission, but they soon learn that the two incidents might be related. Once at the camp, they find a bunch of footprints heading off to the submarine, which we see is sticking ass-up out of the ice about a mile down.
When they finally get to the U-boat, however, they’re attacked by a plane. It’s the Germans, who’ve come to get that Enigma machine before the Americans do. A few marines die but it turns out they’re the lucky ones. You see, the Germans aren’t the only ones out there. An unknown species that looks like a werewolf with a shark head has placed the marines squarely in their sites and plan on killing every one of them.
So to summarize we have marines, Nazis, and werewolf creatures. We have a U-boat, an enigma machine, and also some glowing blue rod that I forgot to mention, that’s found inside the U-boat. Not sure what that’s all about, but I think Tillman wants it. In fact, Tillman wants more than that. Guy wants to capture a few of these Hunter creatures and take them back to the U.S. to study. And he’s willing to kill a marine or five to do it. With all of this chaos, who’s going to come out alive? And oh yeah, what the heck did Sam Gavin get court-martialed for?
Tundra started out great. Of course it started out great. That’s why I put it on my “definite” pile. But I started getting a little nervous soon after. Something about the dialogue felt off. I don’t know many writers who can pull off this “tough guy” marine talk well and I’m not sure Kearney succeeds either. I’ve said this before but it feels like a writer who’s watched a lot of movies with characters who talk like this as opposed to giving the marines their own distinct unique voices.
Too many writers make this mistake. Yeah, you’re writing a fun sci-fi horror thriller. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dig into your characters’ backstories and find out what’s unique about them so that they can talk and act in a unique way. If you don’t do that extra work, you’ll fall back on cliches and stereotypes, such as…you guessed it…previous movie characters you’ve watched. Don’t think for a second that the reader doesn’t pick up on this. We do. And it’s a sad moment, because we know from that point on, the story’s going to lack an element of originality.
On the plus side, we jump into the story REALLY FAST. I mean after we meet the marines it’s off to Antarctica and the mission begins. However immediately after they get there, I started getting confused. I couldn’t figure out who exactly Tillman was or what he had to do with anything. He was the only survivor of this nearby camp? Yet he didn’t know what attacked him? Later, when we go to his camp to try and figure things out, they find footprints heading off to the submarine. If Tillman survived this thing, how come he didn’t already know everyone else ran to the submarine? Why is he finding this out for the first time with the marines? There were little pieces of information here and there that were kept from us that we needed to know in order to understand Tillman’s situation. So his whole storyline was a challenge to keep up with.
After the Germans show up, the story starts to lose form. The goals aren’t as clear. The marines split up into two groups. Tillman starts going after the hunters, which is a clear goal, but I’m not sure what Gavin and Decker (another marine) were doing in the U-boat.
As I’ve always preached on the site, you want to give your characters a clear goal – something they’re after. This it the MAIN thing you’ll need to do to keep the story focused. If you decide to split your characters up into two (or even three) groups, then, you need to give BOTH GROUPS clear goals. This is super-important because you’re now asking the audience to keep track of two separate story lines. If one of those story lines is unclear, then you’ve failed as a writer because we can’t properly follow the story anymore. I could never quite figure out what Gavin was doing in his half of the storyline and that did Tundra in for me.
Finally, I thought the end of the story could’ve used some original choices. We find out there’s a ship under the snow. It’s essentially an alien “Noah’s Ark,” with a bunch of alien animals being let loose. I’ve seen lots of versions of this before. I’ve even reviewed a spec detailing this exact same scenario. So I was sort of let down as I wanted something new and different. It’s a cool idea. But you have to remember that you’re competing against millions of imaginations. If you don’t dig deep enough, chances are you’re writing something that’s already been written.
On the technical front, the script was a quick read. The writing was descriptive and succinct. Formatting was excellent. A couple of typos but nothing terrible. If I were Burke, I would work harder on character backstory and really trying to come up with characters who are unique. Don’t just base people off your favorite movie characters. This would clear up some of the dialogue issues I had. In addition to that, challenge yourself more with plot. Dig a couple levels deeper so you erase any chance of writing something unoriginal. Oh, and clarity! Make sure the reader always knows what’s going on.
This is stronger than your average amateur effort for sure. But it’s not quite up to pro level for the reasons I listed. However, Burke has enough talent to take this feedback and kick ass on his next effort.
Script link: Tundra
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I Learned: Remember that movies primarily stimulate two senses – what you see and what you hear. Therefore, when you’re writing description, you want to focus on images and sounds. Read the first few pages of Tundra and you’ll see why I put it in the “definite” pile. The “lazy groaning of steel under pressure.” Or “Icy winds batter white-tipped waves.” “A periscope breaks through.” It points towards the “misty mass of Antarctica.” You want to transport your reader into a world. Focusing on sounds and images is the best way to do that.
