While you may not be able to go back in time and Twit-Pitch a better logline, you can head back in time with today’s screenplay, Safety Not Guaranteed.

Genre: Indie-Comedy
Premise: Based on a real ad, SNG is about a small-time group of journalists investigating an ad in the classifieds that states – “WANTED: Somebody to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. P.O. Box 322 Oakview, CA 93022. You’ll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.”
About: Yes, this story is based on a real ad. However, if I’m to understand it correctly, the rest of the script is completely made up. While the writer, Connolly, has a distant TV movie credit back in 2005, this seems to be his first “real” produced credit. Rising star Jake Johnson, along with the weird chick from Parks and Recreation, star. The film debuted at Sundance, where it was received well.
Writer: Derek Connolly
Details: 93 pages (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).

 

I like these scripts with pseudo-magical premises. I like that there’s the possibility of stuff we haven’t figured out yet or can’t understand. Shit, I even liked K-Pax with Kevin Spacey! Actually that’s not true. I liked it for 45 minutes and then it got stupid (“You’re an alien. No, you’re an abused child!” Uhh, what??). I guess what I’m saying is, I like the idea that there’s more out there and I enjoy movies that explore that possibility in a grounded way.

Which leads us to Safety Not Guaranteed, a whimsical little drama/comedy that feels like it was born inside Sundance’s womb, with the intention of playing there once then disappearing forever, kind of like that old Apple commercial that only played once during the Super Bowl.

The script starts out in disastrous territory, introducing us to our lead character, Darius. Now when I say “Darius,” tell me what the first image that comes to mind is. Is it a 13 year old Caucasian girl? Ding ding ding! If you guessed yes, you’d be correct! Except I know you didn’t. Because no intelligent person would. So I will make this plea for the 842,000th time. Do not give your female characters male names. And if you’re going to give them a name that’s usually popular in another ethnicity, you better have a darn good reason for why. It’s not clever. It’s confusing to the reader.

So yeah, right away, I was ready to kick this script’s ass. However, as I was putting on my ass-kicking boots, the story slowly started to rebound (how could it not? It started at such a low point). We learn that the now 22 year old Darius is an assistant at a weird but assumingly popular magazine where she’s desperate to move up. I like characters who want to move up. Makes them active. I stopped tying my boots.

As the employees gather to pitch their latest story ideas to the editor, one of the lead writers, 29-year-old Jeff, pitches his idea on a classified ad about a guy asking for a partner to go back in time with. The guy lives up the coast in a beach town called Ocean View, and he figures he could take a couple of assistants up there and interview the guy. The editor agrees so Jeff chooses Darius and the overtly shy Arnau.

On their way up, Darius pleas with Jeff to get her name on the article while Arnau sits in the back doing his best to look confused (something he’s very good at). Once we get there, we find out Jeff wasn’t interested in the story at all. He actually came here to reconnect with a girlfriend he hasn’t seen since childhood.

Darius is pissed that her boss is a fraud but it actually opens up a great opportunity, since she can now write the article herself. So she goes off to meet the mysterious adster, Kenneth, and finds him as weird as advertised. He’s a terribly awkward combination of autistic and paranoid, convinced that some Men in Black are on to him, trying to prevent him from his mission (just out of curiosity – Why do crazy people always think the government is after them? Is there a Crazy Handbook out there that requires this?).

Kenneth takes to Darius immediately and she goes along with it to get the story. But the more she gets to know him, the more she starts to understand him. He wants to go back in time to prevent a girl’s death. That hits close to home because Darius’s mother died a decade ago and she, too, wishes she could go back and save her.

The closer we get to the big jump, the closer the Men in Black dudes close in. Jeff and pointless Arnau start to question whether Darius has lost her mind because she’s actually starting to believe him. Oh, and then there’s Kenneth, racing around, stealing materials from local corporations, trying to finish up his time machine, which puts the community on high alert. This means they have to speed up the time table. And as the big launch approaches, everybody – the characters and us – are wondering, is this real? Or is Kenneth crazy?

Safety Not Guaranteed started out as one of those “trying too hard to be a hip indie comedy” films that make you laugh and groan in equal measure. Everybody wears a vintage sweater. Everybody’s ironic. And everybody has a perfect little quip in response to a line of dialogue. In other words, if films had necks, you’d want to strangle this one.

But then the screenplay stops trying to impress us and starts focusing on the characters. And when that happens, it actually gets pretty good. I really liked our heroine, Darius. I liked how she hid behind this wall, afraid to feel, afraid to show emotion. I like how she masked it by making fun of others. And I loved how that wall eventually began to drop as the story went on. A little Screenwriting 101 here. Walls are good! Characters who have walls give you a natural place to go with them (breaking those walls down). So add walls to your characters!

I also liked a lot of the choices the writer made, specifically how he wanted the story to remain ambiguous. For example, Kenneth is going back in time to save this girl. (Spoiler) Yet later, Jeff tells Darius he did some investigating and found out the girl Kenneth is going back to save is still alive. When Darius confronts Kenneth about this, he’s confused, but then starts to wonder, does that mean they already went back in time and succeeded? And it was at that moment that I really started to appreciate the script. It genuinely had you wondering – is this real or isn’t it?

I also liked Jeff’s journey. Jeff is clearly a ladies man whose flaw is that he only sees people from the outside. So when he finds the girl from his childhood who’s now… a lot bigger, he has to decide if he’s willing to make a commitment to someone he’s not attracted to. Watching him battle this and come to terms with his flaw was surprisingly touching.

But you can’t win them all, and the game of Anau was definitely lost. I mean could there be a more pointless character in screenplay history? I don’t know if they just wanted a funny Indian guy in the trailer or what but this character was a disaster. His goal was to get laid? Or something? Huh?

Really, that’s the only thing I didn’t like, well besides the Darius name thing of course. The only reason this doesn’t rank higher is because it carries that Sundance Indie tag that seems to limit a story’s ceiling. I can’t really explain it other than to say those movies only tend to be so enjoyable. And while I did enjoy this, I wouldn’t go out telling everybody they have to read it. Still, if you like this kind of story, you should definitely check it out. It’s pretty solid.

[ ] Wait for the rewrite
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Beware the “show off” first act. Some writers feel it’s necessary in the first act to prove how good of a writer they are and therefore push too hard. It’s the equivalent of a first date where you’re trying realllllly hard to be funny or cool. It never comes off natural because you’re pressing. The best dates are when you just relax and be yourself. Your first act should be similar. Don’t try to impress anybody or prove that you’re a great writer (overly quirky dialogue, overly cute names, false “movie” moments). Just tell your story!

Hey guys.  I’m going to do a little shifting around this week.  I’m moving my Tuesday review to Wednesday so I can do a full post about Twit-Pitch on Tuesday.  I want to answer some questions, explain why I chose the loglines I did, and just shed a little more light on the process.  I’ll also be revealing the 25 alternates that made the list.  In the meantime, I’ve been closely monitoring the comments section.  I’ve picked 13 of the 25 based on your collective enthusiasm so far.  So keep the discussion alive.  Oh, and thanks!  That post will be the first ever 1000 comment post in Scriptshadow history!!!

Welcome everyone.  Come one.  Come all.  To the first annual Scriptshadow Twit-Pitch Contest Experiment Extravaganza.  Where you, the hardworking unknown writer, tweet me your logline in 134 characters or less!  Now I know a lot of you Twitter newbies have been freaking out over this process. You’re scared your tweet won’t show or you won’t know how to see it.  Bad news. I’m scared too. However, I came up with an idea.  You can test your tweets all day long if you want, just to make sure they work.  I’ll only look at the ones from 2-4pm though.  Those are the only ones I’ll count.  This way, everyone can make sure they’re prepared.

Now how DO you see your tweet to make sure it’s shown up?  Simple.  Well, not simple.  But it’s doable if you have an IQ approaching 140.  Tweet your pitch, i.e., “When a pizza man is late for his delivery, he turns into a pizza.”  Then, AFTER your pitch, you want to leave a SPACE and then this unique hashtag identifier: “#tp12” which stands for “Twit-Pitch 2012.”  All in all, your tweet will look like this:

Then, all you have to do, is CLICK on the #tp12 (which will be a link) in your tweet and Twitter will take you to all of the other twit-pitches, as well as your own, so you can check to see that it’s there.  This is where I’ll be monitoring everyone’s Twit-Pitches.

Now, here’s how it’s going to work.  If I like a pitch, I will FAVORITE YOUR TWEET and DIRECT MESSAGE YOU, just to double-confirm I’ve picked you. You will then send your first ten pages, or your entire script (doesn’t matter as I’ll just read the first 10 pages regardless) to carsonreeves3@gmail.com with the subject line: “TWIT-PITCH.”  You’ll have a week to do this.  Now I have no idea how many people are going to be participating.  It could be 400.  It could be 4000.  If it’s over a thousand, it will probably take me awhile to read through all the tweets.  So just because you don’t get picked right away, don’t worry.  It might be because I haven’t read yours yet.  I should be done by the end of the day though.

Once those are chosen, I’ll take two months to go over them.  You’ll definitely want to follow me on Twitter as I’ll be tweeting updates about the contest throughout those two months.  I’ll let you know when I’ve found something good.  I’ll let you know when I’ve found something…errrr…not good.  I plan for this to be totally open.  At the end of the two months, I’ll announce 20-25 finalists and read the entire scripts, from which I’ll pick a winner.  I will then read the winning script live on a web feed.  That’s not true.  I won’t do that. 

BUT THERE’S MORE!  What I love about Scriptshadow is how bright our commenters are.  Easily the brightest on any screenwriting site.  So, if you guys get all jazzed up about a particular Twit-Pitch logline that I didn’t pick, I’ll add up to FIVE of those pitches to the first round pool. So even when it’s over, it’s not really over!  Feel free to leave your opinions on Twit-pitches in these comments or the official Top 100 twit-pitch thread, which should be up tomorrow or Monday, depending on how many there are.  Also, guys, don’t recruit your friends or sign in with different accounts and tout your own twit-pitch.  I know the commenting rhythm of this site like the back of my hand.  I’ll know what you’re doing and I’ll get really really angry! (or just slightly annoyed).

Well, that’s it!  Feel free to ask any tech questions in the comments section.  There’s a lot of smart people here who can help you.  Also, if this is the first time hearing about the Twit-Pitch Contest, please head to this post to look over the rules.  Good luck everyone!  And remember, you’re writers.  Be creative.  Be fun.  The whole idea behind this is to have a good time. :)

The number one logline from a couple of weeks ago – Breathwork – finally gets its day in the sun with a review.

NEW Amateur Friday Submission Process: To submit your script for an Amateur Review, send in a PDF of your script, a PDF of the first ten pages of your script, your title, genre, logline, and finally, why I should read your script. Use my submission address please: Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Your script and “first ten” will be posted. If you’re nervous about the effect of a bad review, feel free to use an alias name and/or title. It’s a good idea to resubmit every couple of weeks so your submission stays near the top.

Genre: Thriller
Premise: A man undergoing past-life regression therapy must find out the identity of a nemesis who’s killed him in his past lives… before he’s murdered again in his present life.
About: This is the logline YOU picked to be reviewed two weeks ago. Let’s see if it lives up to its logline!
Writer: Gunner Pons
Details: 108 pages

When I finish a script, there are reviews I look forward to writing and reviews I don’t look forward to writing. The reviews I don’t look forward to writing are for scripts like “The Knoll” and “My Son Is The Fucking Anti-Christ.” Why? Because there’s no substance, no interesting ideas, nothing new. Even the entertainment factor is bare-bones. Without those things, what’s there left to talk about? How many brads you should use? 2 or 3?

When I finished Breathwork, I couldn’t wait to review it. It’s been a long time since we’ve had a good “past lives” movie – I’d argue the last one was “Dead Again” – so it seems ripe for another go-around. I’m not sure this script is ready to handle the burden of a 50 million dollar production, but I’ll tell you this, if somebody who understands storytelling guided this writer through targeted rewrites, there might just be a great script in here.

Breathwork begins in a radio station where our shock jock (Howard Stern reincarnated – no pun intended) is launching into his 91st dick joke of the day. Soonafter, he welcomes in Erika Saccio to talk about her new book which explores the realities of past lives.

The show’s plan is to make fun of her, of course, but when she puts everyone under hypnosis, 33 year old Jack, the sound technician, really does appear to be hypnotized.

Jack imagines himself in someone else’s body during a huge Civil War battle. Out of nowhere, a man comes racing up to him and stabs him. Jack wakes up, shaken and frightened, but, to save face, pretends that he’s joking. Erika’s not fooled though. She knows when somebody’s been under and Jack was under.

So she contacts him afterwards and asks him to come in for more sessions. Jack does so reluctantly and through further hypnosis starts going back to his past lives. In one of these lives, he’s a maid who, instead of saving her owners from a raging fire, runs out of the house to save herself. In another, he stops Jack the Ripper from kidnapping a woman in the street. In another, he’s a waitress at a bar in Germany and ends up serving Hitler! Turns out Jack has had some pretty eventful past lives.

Eventually though, Jack realizes there’s something bigger going on here. Some rascally little bastard in each life keeps finding Jack and KILLING HIM. That’s not very nice Random Past Lives Dude. But it seems to be the bane of Jack’s existence. Sooner or later, this ying to his yang finds him and puts an end to Lifeville.

This, of course, means that somebody’s going to do the same thing now, in the present! But who? That’s the question. As Jack starts taking a closer look at the people around him, he realizes that every one of them is a suspect, and that any one of them could kill him at any moment.

This script was a whale of mess-strocity. Talk about “all over the place.” But, it was also a delicious mess – like the food-fight kind. I wouldn’t want to clean it up but boy was it fun while it was happening. I don’t think I’ve ever read a script that’s had so many cool ideas that have been undermined by so much sloppy writing. I’d read two pages, want to throw it away, read two more, and desperately need to keep reading.

So what was so screwy about it?

Look no further than the first scene. In it, we meet Erika, our author, and her agent, Lori. These are the two brought in for the interview. Except we NEVER SEE LORI AGAIN AFTER THIS. She just disappears. So why in the world would you bring her into the movie in the first place? Why not just have Erika by herself? You don’t wanna introduce a character in the opening scene, hint that she’s important, then just never show her again. That’s confusing!

On top of this, Erika is introduced as our hero. But Erika isn’t our hero. Jack is our hero. One of the worst things you can do in the opening of your script is confuse the reader as to who the main character is. I’ve found that in every script where this has happened, the execution turned out to be a disaster. I mean if you can’t convey who the main character is in five pages, how can I trust you to convey a complicated intricate plot in 110 pages?

And that’s not even the worst of it. If I were to give you five guesses on who the main character was after the first scene, JACK WOULDN’T EVEN BE IN YOUR TOP FIVE!!! That’s how little the writer does to clue you in on Jack’s importance. This is Screenwriting 101 stuff here.

Next, why is Jack an engineer for a shock jock? Why that as his profession? I ask because it doesn’t have anything to do with the story whatsoever. Your main character’s job should always be relevant to the story.

For example, if Jack worked at the History Channel putting together documentaries or he worked as a history professor at a major university, either of those jobs would’ve allowed overlap with the past lives stuff. Jack would be able to pull knowledge from his profession to help explain or navigate his past-life experiences.

My guess on why we open with the shock jock scene (in addition to Irrelevant Lori) is because it’s an easy way for the writer to dole out exposition. The interview allows her to talk about the book and the past life “rulse,” and the waiting room allows us to get to know Erika through her agent.

Well I got news for you. You shouldn’t choose your characters’ jobs based on how it’s easiest for you to unload exposition. You should choose your characters’ jobs based on what’s best for your story! Start this somewhere darker, creepier, scarier – a place that FEELS like it’s connected to the premise you promised us!

As far as the flashbacks themselves, they were always interesting, but they never felt well thought through. Why famous historic figures? What is the point of us seeing Jack The Ripper or Hitler if they have nothing to do with the story? It feels like the writer’s trading believability for historic celebrity name-dropping. There’s no relevance here.

If you’re going to throw Hitler in a script about past lives, then by golly, your whole damn plot better revolve around Hitler. Hitler isn’t a sideshow. It would be like having U2 pop in to play three chords with your wedding band, then leave. There’s a cool moment where Jack realizes he can manipulate the past bodies he’s in. Well there’s your movie if you want Hitler! Jack realizes he can kill Hitler, and he uses his past life to do it.

Despite all the flaws, though, I liked the idea of this Jack-killer in each time period. Especially as it becomes apparent that there’s one in this time period too. And when we start wondering who that person could be, the script really picks up. And to the script’s credit, you’ll have no idea who it is. So just the fact that I wanted to get to the end and find that out says a lot.

Unfortunately, I don’t think that’s enough to put it into “worth the read” territory. It’s just too darn sloppy. Too many beginner mistakes here. So I say to Gunner, keep working on it, and find somebody who can give you solid insightful notes so you can really kick ass on the rewrite.

Script link: Breathwork

[ ] Wait for the rewrite
[x] wasn’t for me (but close to “worth the read!”
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Make sure that your logline and the opening of your screenplay match in tone. The logline for Breathwork promises a dark and spooky thriller. The first scene though, is goofy, broad and silly. It immediately erases what you thought the script was going to be about, which means already I’m disappointed. Had I not had people tell me about the bad opening, I might have put this down before the scene was over and went on to another Amateur Friday script.

Update 1 (10:17 a.m. April 1) – Added thoughts about using text-speak.
Update 2 (10:45 a.m. April 3) – Added advice about including title.   
Update 3 (10:37 p.m. April 3) – IMPORTANT – Character count down to 134 characters (not 135).

Twit-Pitch.  You thought it was dead and buried forever. It wasn’t!  It just went through a few permutations.  For those not in the know, Twit-Pitch is a Scriptshadow Event/Experiment whereby you, the readers, will pitch me your logline on Twitter in under 135 characters!  The top 100-200 of these loglines will be chosen to move on to the next round, where you’ll send me the first 10 pages of your script.  The Top 20 of those First 10 will send me their entire scripts and from those I’ll pick a winner.  The winner will then be reviewed on the site.

Now I’ll be the first to admit, this is an experiment.  I have no idea if this will lead to finding a great screenplay or not.  But I do know this: It will be fun as hell trying!  And if you do get reviewed on the site, you’ll guaranteed get reads around the industry.  And if I personally really love your screenplay, I’ll send it to my heavy-hitter contacts.  So, here’s how it’s going to work.

1) Get a Twitter Account.  You’ll need one if you want to tweet me your pitch.
2) Follow me on Twitter.  It’s not required, but I’ll be using Twitter to keep people up to date on the goings-on of the contest so it’s a good idea. 
3) You only have one tweet to pitch your logline, which means it has to be 135 characters or less.  Twitter allows you 140 characters to tweet, but you’ll need 5 of those characters for…
4) The hashtag – A “hashtag” is a virtual keyword to help me find your tweet, therefore it’s ESSENTIAL that you include it in your tweet.  It is marked by the “#” symbol right before the word you’re hashtagging.   This unfortunately means less characters to tweet your logline, but those are the breaks!  The Scriptshadow Twit-Pitch hashtag will be “#tp12” (which stands for “Twit Pitch 2012.”)  So this would be how your tweet would look: “A global warming scientist travels back in time to save the iceberg that was hit by The Titanic #tp12.”  Edit – You NEED A SPACE BEFORE YOUR HASHTAG!  If there’s no space between the end of your logline and the hashtag, your logline won’t show up!
5) @Scriptshadow – You do NOT have to put “@Scriptshadow” in your tweet.  That’s taken care of by the hashtag.
6) “Favorite” – I will “favorite” any logline I like.  If you get favorited, you can send me your First Ten pages at carsonreeves3@gmail.com.  (Being favorited will appear in your Twitter timeline. It’s easy to see. Just make sure it’s me who favorites you and not someone else).
7) Text-speak – Try not 2 use txt-spk. It’s not an automatic disqualification. But it will be strongly looked dwn upon.
8) Title – No title is required in your pitch.  But feel free to use it if you want. 
9) First Place – The winner of the contest will be reviewed on the site and expected to post AT LEAST the first 15 pages of their script.  However, I strongly recommend that the winner post their entire script.  That’s what happened with The Disciple Program.  Since it was so easily accessible, everyone was able to read it right away and that’s how the mayhem started!
10) Turnaround time – Turnaround time on the first round will be kind of long. After announcing the Top twit-pitches on the site, it’ll take me a little over 2 months to read them, which is kind of good cause it will give you guys plenty of time to sharpen up those full scripts!

Rules
1) You can only tweet me one idea.  Tweet more and you’ll be disqualified.
2) You can have representation.  But you CANNOT have a TV or Feature produced credit or have made more than $10,000 in a total screenwriting revenue (this doesn’t count contest money. So if you’ve made $30,000 from Nicholl, you’re still eligible).
3) Yes, it can be an adaptation.
4) Writing partners can only submit ONE pitch.  
5) You can only tweet me between 2-4 pm Pacific Time next Saturday (April 7th).  Any tweets outside of that timeframe will be disqualified. (note: Twitter allows you to schedule tweets. So if you’re in a different time zone, look up how to do this and have Twitter tweet for you!)
6) Features only
7) It’s free, so stop complaining!

Now keep in mind: THIS IS AN EXPERIMENT.  I’m sure there will be questions and people pointing out flaws in the rules that I’ll need to address.  Check back here every evening starting Monday for updates/reminders to the rules/contest.  Also, for those asking questions in the comments, I will not be able to answer them right away cause I’m leaving.  Will be back to try to answer them later tonight or tomorrow morning though.  Now, start working on those tweets!