Genre: Comedy/Satire
Premise: (from Black List) A satirical behind the scenes look at the making of Star Wars through the eyes of Peter Mayhew who played Chewbacca.
About: Chewie landed in the Top 10 on 2011’s Black List and is probably the most high-profile script that made the list due to its subject matter. After I wrote this review, I did a little research and found out that this was not a true autobiographical story like I’d assumed. It was a satire written by two guys who like Star Wars. Which makes sense because there’s so little exploration of Peter Mayhew as a person that I wondered if they actually knew anything about Peter. Well it turns out they did interview him……… in a Star Wars Comic-Con line! They were able to ask him five questions. Hey, you gotta do your research somehow. – For this movie to get made, George Lucas will have to approve of it. My understanding is that he or his people are giving it a look. So we could have ourselves some Chewie on the big screen in 2013.
Writers: Evan Susser, Van Robichaux
Details: 100 pages (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).

Duhhh duhhhh, duh duh duh dahhhhh duh. Duh duh duh dahhhhh duh, dahduh dummmmmmm…

That’s me singing Star Wars. Truth be told, I wasn’t looking forward to this one. I’m a not-so-closeted Star Wars fanatic and I’d heard rumors this was a script about Peter Mayhew, the actor who played Chewbacca, watching everybody on the set of Star Wars act like assholes while he floated around like an angel.

If this was true, it would negatively affect all future Star Wars viewings, which wasn’t an option. But I don’t do these reviews for me. I do them for you. And if that meant destroying a little bit of Star Wars in my life, well then bantha fodder on Salacius’ Crumb’s bum, I was going to do it.

Still, I mean, how realistic was it that someone could come up with a fresh take on Star Wars 30 years and 8 billion fan films later? Is that even possible? Let’s find out.

Chewie is about Peter Mayhew (sorta), the impossibly sized man-giant who played Chewbacca in the Star Wars films, otherwise known as Han Solo’s right hand…furry fuzzy monster friend. Right away we’re told that Peter was a super shy dude, always uncomfortable with his size, and at the time, actually going into a career in medicine.

But Peter had another dream. Or, I shouldn’t say dream. Hmmm, maybe I’d call it a “strong interest” in being an actor. His giant size filled a tiny niche in the movie market and when George Lucas and Co. came calling, it turned out he was perfect for the part (George didn’t even talk to Peter at the casting by the way. He just looked him up and down and said, “Yeah, he’s perfect,” and walked away).

But now Peter had a dilemma. His burgeoning medical career required that he be at the hospital all the time. How the heck was he going to fit in a movie? Well somehow Peter convinced his asshole boss (the “Emperor” of this tale) to give him some time off to film his weird little movie.

From there on, we basically see the making of Star Wars through Peter’s eyes. Unfortunately, there isn’t anything new being said here. All of these stories have been told in numerous texts. It’s almost like someone breezed through the Making Of Star Wars biography and plucked out all the best parts. Yes, Harrison Ford was a jerk. Yes, he and Carrie Fisher hooked up. Yes, they had no money and were barely able to hold the production together. Yes nobody trusted George’s vision. I suppose for a non-Star Wars fan this might be interesting news. But if you’re one of the 8 non-Star Wars fans in the world, I’m not sure you care about a Making Of Star Wars movie.

I think the most disappointing part of the script, for me, was that Peter, our narrator, was barely in it! Every single piece of drama that happens in the film has nothing to do with him. We’re simply watching it all through his eyes (and in some cases, not through his eyes, since he isn’t even in the scene). I guess when I thought I’d be seeing a film from a certain person’s point of view, I expected that person to be involved. So it was kind of baffling when he wasn’t.

The one bit of character development Peter DOES have happens away from the Star Wars set, back at the hospital. His super-asshole boss keeps yelling at him for going off to shoot his silly movie, to which Peter, the most non-confrontational human being in the universe, just takes it. The scenes aren’t terrible but they’re incredibly on the nose and simplistic. Peter wants to film. Boss doesn’t want him to film. We get four of these scenes and they’re all pretty much the same.

The guy who doesn’t stand up for himself finally standing up for himself is one of the easiest character arcs to write (you also saw it with Ed Helms in The Hangover). But you still have to add some texture to it. You can’t just have four scenes where someone yells at a character and the fifth time he yells back. An 8th grader can pull that off. Yet that’s exactly what we get here. The most simplistic execution of a character arc imaginable. Combined with his absence throughout the rest of the story, the main character (assuming Peter is the main character – I’m still not sure) just isn’t interesting.

There were some cool parts though. Seeing George Lucas broken and battered, watching his vision slip away a little more each day. Harrison Ford is kind of funny as the set diva. It was interesting to hear that he was considering not taking Star Wars so he could get a real job and provide for his family. Carrie Fisher comes off as a sweet but ultimately nutty chick, who has a nice little friendship with Peter. And then there was the shining light – Peter being the only one who believed in George’s vision. He may not have been very complex, but he sure was nice.

Yet that was the problem. Nice overly-polite people don’t make good movie characters, especially if they’re barely connected to the plot. There’s one scene in the script where Peter’s preparing for a scene with Harrison and nobody can find Ford. However WE know that Peter knows where Harrison is. He’s in his trailer smoking pot. It’s the one moment in the script where Peter has to make a difficult choice, that he’s actually involved in some drama. This is when we REALLY learn about a character – when they’re faced with a dilemma, two equally undesirable options. Does he lie and say he doesn’t know where Harrison is, even though he doesn’t lie, or give him up, getting him in trouble?

Neither! The writers take the easy way out. Peter excuses himself to run off and get Harrison. No difficult choice was made. That was my problem here. Every avenue where drama could’ve been milked was passed over.

I mean we already know the story of Star Wars. What we don’t know is the story of Peter’s Star Wars. And after Chewie, I still don’t know the story of Peter’s Star Wars. Honestly, the only thing I learned was that he worked at a hospital and was shy!

I do think the movie carries a great message though – to chase your dreams and take chances in life. You never know when that one chance will be your “Han Solo” moment, the thing that sets you up for the rest of your life. I just wish the main character had been more interesting and that we’d actually learned something about him.

[ ] Wait for the rewrite
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Avoid office scenes! Remember, two people in a closed room/office with no interruptions is usually a boring scene. It’s too comfortable. Find a location that makes things less comfortable. It will bring out the drama. All these scenes with the hospital boss yelling at Peter take place in his boring office so they all feel the same. What if, instead, the boss confronted Peter as he was tending to one of his favorite patients? He pulls him over to the corner of the room and and curses him out, his favorite patient watching on. NOW you have yourself a scene. Peter is being reamed out in front of a friend – which is way more embarrassing than being reamed out in private.

Hey guys, just found this app for the Ipad. It’s this screenplay app that not only allows you to read screenplays, but it has an entire library of them to download. It’s all mainly produced work, but I was surprised at how easy it was. It lists all the screenplays right there on the screen, you just press ‘download’ and you’re reading it a few seconds later. Oh, and it’s FREE.  I’m loving my Ipad!

Scripted for Ipad.

Wanted to give a shout out and congratulations to longtime Scriptshadow reader Emily Blake over at Bamboo Killers.  You may remember that Emily’s logline for her script “Nice Girls Don’t Kill,” finished Top 5 in our First Ten Pages contest a few weeks ago.  She ended up as one of the finalists at the TrackingB contest with another script, “How My Wedding Dress Got This Dirty,” and quickly secured a manager and an agent at ICM.  She’s now working on rewriting “Nice Girls Don’t Kill,” incorporating some of the notes you gave her on the First Ten Pages.  That’s 1 down and 49 to go for Scriptshadow readers who are going to break in this year.  It’s possible people. Just keep working hard!

To submit your script for an Amateur Review, send it in PDF form, along with your title, genre, logline, and why I should read your script to Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Keep in mind your script will be posted in the review (feel free to keep your identity and script title private by providing an alias and fake title). Also, it’s a good idea to resubmit every couple of weeks so that your submission stays near the top of the pile.

Genre: Action/Adventure
Premise: (original 6th place logline) A wild young woman gets seduced into a high tech, storm chasing motorcycle gang that loots and murders under the chaotic veil created by natural disasters.
About: For those of you with bad short-term memory, The Wreckage was unfortunate enough to finish one spot out of the top five of the First Ten Pages contest a few weeks back, just missing a review. Well what a sweet consolation prize. Today, we’re reviewing the entire script!
Writer: Michael McCartney (story by Laton and Michael McCartney)
Details: 102 pages (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).

When Michael McCartney, the writer of today’s script, was pitching his premise some months back, producers told him that no one was interested in purchasing a storm flick. Not too long afterwards, Hollywood purchased two big storm projects, one a heist film similar in vein to The Wreckage. Just goes to show that nobody likes anything until they like it. But I can assure you The Wreckage is nothing like those scripts. McCartney, the eldest grandson of Beatles legend Paul McCartney, does something quite different here. The question is, did he go too far with it?

I was just joking about the Paul McCartney thing by the way. Michael’s not really McCartney’s grandson. Anyway, the wily 24 year old twister known as Maddy is sick of living a lame life in Wichita Falls, Texas. She’s way too unchained for this place. I always tell you guys to introduce your characters with an action that tells us who they are. Well, Maddy’s introduced having sex with her boyfriend while he’s driving. Yup, I think we know who this character is right away.

Afterwards, Maddy heads back to her parents’ jewelry store on the eve of an approaching storm. Things look so bad, in fact, that they have to board up the windows. But apparently it’s not one of those “you only have to board up the windows and you’ll be okay” type storms. This is the type of storm that rips buildings down.

And that’s exactly what happens. While Maddy survives the destruction, her father dies and her mother is injured. As Maddy tries to figure out what to do, a crazy ass motorcycle gang pulls up, led by a creepy sonofabitch named Scarecrow. Scarecrow and his gang wait for storms to hit towns then ride in, when no police are around, and start looting. Once Scarecrow sees Maddy though, he realizes he’s found the loot of the century.

Scarecrow and crew grab Maddy and drive off into the sunrise, Easy Rider style, and at some point poor Maddy realizes she’s been kidnapped. Cut to FBI Agent Leo, whose since-deceased sister used to be friends with Maddy in high school. He’s tasked with finding and saving Maddy.

Problem is, Maddy starts to like it with this group of vagabonds. They’re as bonkers as she is. Shit, even moreso! They rob places to survive. And that’s probably the life she was heading for anyway. So she figures, “What the hell Charles Manson wannabe. I’ll join your cult!”

The rest of the script follows the motorcycle gang around as they beeline into tornadoes and rob everything in sight. Scarecrow preaches a life of freedom, of not having to live by society’s rules. Of course, the impressionable Maddy loves this at first, but eventually realizes she isn’t free at all. She’s Scarecrow’s puppet, just like everybody else in this gang. And she wants out. I think it might be too late for that though, Maddy. This is The Family. Once you’re in, you’re in for life.

The Wreckage is kind of like a wild college night. You know what I’m talking about. Those nights that are filled with both the best and the worst of you? I have to give credit to McCartney. He’s not making any obvious choices here. But I think his story’s too unhinged.

I mean we have a sort of heist/robbing/looting film, a motorcycle/Easy Rider/travel film, a storm film, a cult film, a kidnapping film. I felt like ideas were competing against each other left and right, and I’m not sure that the best of those ideas was featured. In The Wreckage, the motorcycle gang theme actually takes precedence over the much cooler idea of robbing places during storms.

The robbing, in fact, felt secondary, something the group did to pass the time. Since I never got the sense that they were hard up for money, I wasn’t convinced any of the robbing was even needed. And if you’re writing a movie about a crew going into storms to steal things and the crew doesn’t have a strong purpose/reason to do so, I’m not sure you have a movie. There needs to be stakes attached to each robbery, or else they feel meaningless. In Fast Five, Paul Walker needs to steal all that money so he and his fiance can go off the grid for good and never worry about money again (or at least until Fast Six). Now there’s purpose to the heist.

Something else that worried me was Maddy liking the group. She actually began enjoying herself. So when we cut to the FBI chasing after her, we’re not really interested in whether they save her or not – because Maddy doesn’t want to be saved. If would be like if that chick in the basement in Silence Of The Lambs became BFFs with Buffalo Bill and they were chilling on the couch and smoking pot all day. Would we still be interested in Jodie Foster saving her?

But the biggest thing that needs fixing in this script, by far, is the FBI agents. These two have to be two of the most inadequate FBI agents in history. They’re never anywhere CLOSE to catching Maddy. And they spend half the time sitting in rooms talking about shit. These are your agents! They need to be out there DOING SHIT. They need to be ACTIVE. I don’t remember a single scene in The Silence Of The Lambs where Jodie Foster was sitting down.

I think Michael also needs to be aware of going *too* on-the-nose in places. At one point his partner says to Leo, “You know they’re different people, don’t you? Your sister and the Dylan girl.” This is followed not too long afterwards by Leo, drunk, staring at a picture of his dead sister. Talk about hitting us on the head. Yes, we know: he’s really trying to save his sister. I dig that Michael made a personal connection between Leo and Maddy, but all you needed to sell this was the picture scene, particularly because it’s *showing* us and not *telling* us.

I will say this. There’s a beautiful, almost poetic, quality to these deranged cyclists barreling into monster storms. You also have a diabolical villain in Scarecrow, who I thought was well-crafted. But the engine driving this Harley needs a major overhaul.

I think it starts with the premise. We need to streamline the direction so there aren’t so many competing elements. If we’re not going to properly utilize the “storm-heist” angle, I think it should be a kidnapper flick. After the storm, Maddy sees the bikers kill someone. They spot her, snatch her up, and bring her with them because she’s a witness. They plan to kill her, but for a number of lucky reasons, she stays alive. Now you have a girl in peril, which gives the FBI pursuers (assuming they actually pursue in this next draft) a lot more weight. She’s also no longer chumming it up with everybody – which provides the script with more conflict. I think that would work better.

If this is a “storm-heist” movie, however, I say you drop Maddy. Just focus on the gang and the FBI pursuing them.

The Wreckage was an interesting read. But the plot needs some streamline soup before I give it a “worth the read.” Still, I wish Michael the best with it. Tell your grandpa I love his music!

Script link: The Wreckage

[ ] Wait for the rewrite.
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Beware the movie concept that contains competing ideas, as those ideas will be fighting for attention the entire way through, leading to an uneven story. You can’t make a prison break movie, for example, that’s also about a boat race. Know when an idea requires its own movie. That’s what threw me here. Going into dangerous storms to rob towns is the star concept, but it takes a back seat to the cult-motorcycle-kidnapping storyline.