Screenplay Review – Nathan Decker (Guest Review)

Posted on April 11, 2012 | by admin

Oh man, I’m Twit-Pitched out. Last night it all hit me and I just crashed, leaving a ton of work on the table, which I get to make up for today. Yahoo! Luckily, I have my trusted readers to pick me up when I’m down. Today’s review comes courtesy of longtime Scriptshadow reader and former reviewer Christian Savage, who takes on one of Scriptshadow’s favorite writers, Dan Fogelman. It’s another day at the office for Dan, selling ONCE AGAIN, a 2 million dollar spec. God do I want to be this guy.

Genre: Dramedy
Premise: Disgraced Senator and presidential hopeful, Nathan Decker, returns to his hometown after stepping down from office in the wake of a sex scandal, but can he find a way to reconnect with his family and salvage his reputation?
About: Dan has another huge payday, with rumors that both Tom Cruise and Ben Affleck are interested in playing the title role.  I don’t think anyone’s signed on the dotted line yet, but we should see a major star attach themselves soon.  This is too fun of a role not to sign up for. 
Writer: Dan Fogelman
Details: 125 pages (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plots may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).
Okay, I have to admit it. I kind of love Dan Fogelman. If I were a Hollywood producer looking for a solid family comedy, he’s the first person I’d ask to write it. He has to be one of the more dependable screenwriters working today. Every time I crack open a Fogelman script, I know exactly what I’m getting. Some people might think this predictability is a bad thing. But, it’s not. He learned what kind of story best showcases his strengths, and he has stuck to that formula for much of his career. And that formula has made him a lot of money, not to mention the most important thing: His scripts get turned into movies that do well at the box office. So, what are the qualities that define a Dan Fogelman script? I think we can find some answers in Nathan Decker, one of his latest spec sales.
When we first meet Nathan Decker, he’s a 40-something Pennsylvania senator, on the fast track to becoming a great man. Maybe even president of the United States. His winning smile gleams from the cover of Time magazine. Random people walk up to him on the street and request autographs. Wives across the land would leave their families for him. But, Nathan’s more than a shallow celebrity politician. He has genuine ideals and substance. He reaches out to people facing hard times, and turns down corporations wanting to buy his loyalty. He also helps pass a $4 trillion infrastructure bill, in both houses of a polarized Congress. For any other man, that would be the greatest accomplishment of his life. For Nathan Decker, it’s Thursday. He’s absolutely perfect, which is why it’s inevitable something awful must happen to him.
All is not well, with the most popular man in the country. When Nathan comes home at night, it becomes clear there are some people who aren’t that impressed with him: his family. He’s expected to eat dinner alone. His cold meal is left on the kitchen counter, with a terse note providing heating instructions. No “I love you’s” written anywhere. When he tries to talk to his wife, Tracy, about his potential run for president, she’d rather lie in bed and finish reading her book. His 14-year-old daughter, Zoey, isn’t much better. She hides in her bedroom with her shady girlfriends and tries to pretend her father doesn’t exist. The Nathan Decker love parade ends at his own doorstep.
The surprising thing is that this isn’t a case of a well-oiled political machine not knowing how to be there for his family. Nathan makes a strong effort to engage in the lives of his wife and daughter. But, they’re burned out on his schmoozing, his enchanting public persona. It’s all too much. During a tear-stained confession, Tracy tells him she doesn’t love him anymore. And on top of that, she can’t stand the selfish person their daughter has become. All she wants to do right now is get away from both of them. At this point, Nathan can’t deny it any longer. His marriage is a shambles. For the first time in his life, he has failed at something.
So, Nathan does what any heartbroken man would do. He gets drunk at a seedy bar and meets an attractive young woman in the ladies’ restroom. It’s not as bad as it sounds, but Nathan soon learns the media will take anything they can the wrong way. As you can guess, Nathan experiences a moment of weakness. He takes his new friend, Debbie, back to her motel room, where he proceeds to have the best sex he’s had in 10 years. But, in situations like this, happiness always seems to have consequences. The bartender tips off the paparazzi that Nathan’s putting the moves on someone who isn’t his wife. The incriminating photos get released nationwide and, within 48 hours, Nathan is a talkshow punchline. So, he resigns from his position in the Senate.
With his life in ruins, Nathan receives a call from his overbearing father, Bill, a former Speaker of the House, who suggests he come back to his hometown for a fresh start. Nathan agrees and takes his daughter, Zoey, with him to Doylestown, the place where he grew up. But it turns out nothing’s an easy fix. Zoey’s distraught over her parents’ looming divorce, and Bill’s furious that his son’s scandalous behavior has tarnished the family legacy. The only bright spot in Nathan’s life is his new job as a history teacher at the local high school. This is where he meets Joan Flaherty, another teacher, who helps him step out from his father’s shadow, and find his own way in the world.
Okay, let’s talk about why this script sold for $2 million. First and foremost, Nathan Decker is a character that A-list actors want to play. He’s active, talented, and likable. He also faces a problem that’s easy to relate to: public humiliation. Quite simply, this is the kind of character that could make any actor look good. Considering both Tom Cruise and Ben Affleck have looked at the script, it’s obvious there’s something memorable here. The best thing any writer can do is create characters that are irresistible. Once you’ve done this, you’re so much closer to having a script that everyone wants. Fogelman knows this; even his supporting players are treated with care. The cast is kept small, but nicely textured. You won’t see 15 characters introduced in the first three pages. But you will find a handful of well-drawn people, each of whom has a distinct voice. Not once did I confuse one person for another. That’s a classic sign of a writer who knows what he’s doing.
I also want to point out Fogelman’s mastery of structure and pacing. Nathan Decker is almost nothing but setups and pay offs. Just about every plot point and character quirk has a reason for existing, and there are no loose ends. If something is introduced in act I, you can bet you’ll see it again in act III. For example, before they meet each other in person, Joan sends a letter to Nathan’s government office, complaining about a dangerous intersection in desperate need of a traffic light. So, of course, in the third act, Nathan recklessly enters that same intersection and gets in a car accident. Another instance is when Bill expresses his disappointment in Nathan, by giving everyone in the room a huge serving of ice cream, except for Nathan. It struck me as a fatherly punishment, a reminder that, in Bill’s house, Nathan is still a child. But then later, when Bill finally forgives his son, he doesn’t give a sentimental speech about it. He just hands Nathan a big serving of ice cream and walks away. The moment is simple, visual, and effective. Other smart choices like this are sprinkled throughout, and they really enhanced the overall quality of the script.
As mentioned before, the pacing was truly a revelation. Fogelman has a great sense of when to speed things up or slow them down, depending on the story’s needs. There was almost no conflict in the first 15 pages, and that was okay because it was important to see Nathan at the top of the food chain. The better the man, the more powerful the tragedy when he falls. On the other hand, take notice of how fast Nathan met his one night stand. It happened about half a page after his marriage was over. And when Nathan and Debbie started talking in the bar, they got to know each other for eight pages, before they went back to the motel together. Fogelman knew the audience would need that extra time to accept Nathan falling for another woman, so they’d sympathize with him when things went badly. And it was great when Nathan resigned from the Senate, less than two pages after the one night stand. No detours, just straight to the good stuff. So, the lesson here is that each scene has it’s own rhythm. Some scenes are more effective if they linger just a bit, and then others work best by skipping the foreplay altogether. I loved that about this script.
There were a couple scenes that bothered me, though, and both of them were recycled from another Fogelman movie. At the climax, all three of Nathan’s women – the wife, the fling, and the teacher/love interest – show up at the big family dinner. It felt a little too reminiscent of the famous scene from Crazy, Stupid, Love, when all the separate love stories crashed together in the protag’s backyard. It didn’t work as well this time around, because there was no delicious pay off. There were no surprise connections between the characters. No revelations that made you reassess what you thought you knew about these people. So, the dinner scene here felt like a wasted opportunity. Also, Fogelman seems to have a weakness for ending scripts with a corny “Here’s What I Learned” speech. He did it in Crazy, Stupid, Love, and does it again here. The saving grace for Nathan is that he was a politician speaking at a city council meeting. So, the situation naturally allowed some leniency. But, if I never see another big finale speech in a Fogelman script, I’d be okay with that.
Otherwise, I thought this was a shining example of a mainstream comedy drama that could play well in the marketplace. It’s a crowd-pleaser that feels warm and light, like a loaf of bread baking in the morning. Can’t wait to see it on the big screen.
[ ] Wait for the rewrite
[ ] Wasn’t for me
[ ] Worth the read
[X] Impressive
[ ] Genius
What I learned: If you want to sell scripts in Hollywood, a good way to do it is to find your niche and master it. Fogelman has had a lucrative career mainly from writing family comedies, and he rarely strays outside of his wheelhouse. That’s not to say you shouldn’t stretch beyond your comfort zone as a writer. But if you can come up with a mainstream story template that plays to your strengths, then you can create a brand name for yourself. It’s possible to develop an identifiable voice, by sticking to a special set of qualities that studios can associate with your work. If you become known as the go-to person for comedies or thrillers or whatever, then you could be one of the first writers that get called for an assignment. After all, isn’t it the brand names that have the longest careers in this business?
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The Official Scriptshadow Twit-Pitch 100

Posted on April 10, 2012 | by admin

Note: No review today.

For those playing catch-up, Twit-Pitch was a contest I held where anyone could pitch me their screenplay as long as it was contained within a single tweet.  These are the Top 100 from a list that included nearly1000. These 100 will send me the first ten pages of their scripts, from which I’ll pick 20-25 full scripts to read.  To read a discussion of the loglines and contest, head over to the 1300-comment post that occurred afterwards.  You should also follow me on Twitter for updates, as I’ll occasionally be tweeting my responses to pages. 

There’s been a lot of discussion about what I picked and what I didn’t pick and I wanted to give you guys some insight into why I chose what I chose. I’ve run a few logline contests now and I’ve learned a few things in the process. The first is, wacky comedies tend to be the worst written scripts I read. The more broad something is, the less the writer seems to care about character and story (instead focusing solely on the jokes). And as you know from reading the site, character and story are the most important things to me. So that might explain why I didn’t pick that many comedies despite the fact that there were some pretty funny ideas out there. I was tired of getting burned.

The other thing I learned is that loglines that end with a vague mystery usually result in vague unsatisfying screenplays. So if you wrote something like, “A man discovers a secret room in his house that leads to a horror that he could’ve never imagined.” There’s just not enough information there. If I’m going to take two hours to read a script, I want to know what the script is about. So many of these loglines didn’t get chosen.

Now let me get into why I chose some of the ideas I did. You’ll notice that a lot of the ideas I picked contained irony. A writer who understands the value of irony in storytelling is usually ahead of the writer who doesn’t. In other words, if I was to come across this logline…


A lawyer wakes up on the day of his biggest trial only to learn that he cannot tell a lie.

I’d pick it over this one…

A lawyer wakes up on the day of his biggest trial only to learn that he can hear people’s thoughts.

Both of those ideas are high concept but the second one doesn’t contain any irony. The lawyer can really be anybody. So it’s not nearly as exciting of an idea.

Also, since everything that happened with The Disciple Program, I’ve been fortunate enough to talk to a lot of producers in the industry. And the thing I continue to hear is, “Bring me a movie I can sell.” Not “Bring me a movie that can win a BAFTA.” Not “Bring me a movie that will fill me with emotion.” But, “bring me a movie I can sell.” That’s not to say that emotion and character development and plotting aren’t important. You guys know now how much I value all of these things. But if those things aren’t inside a package a producer can put on a poster, or sell to the next guy above him, then they’re not interested. Remember, Good Will Hunting sold as a thriller. It wouldn’t have sold as a character piece.

So when I looked through these loglines, there was that little voice in the back of my head reminding me: Is this something you can give Producer A or Producer B and they’ll be interested? The only real producer in town who can get significant character development movies made without having to jump through a million hoops is Scott Rudin. And it’s hard to get to that guy.

Finally, my taste factored into this. You guys all know that I like time travel stuff. I’m also a bit of a sci-fi geek. So you saw a lot of those ideas here. I’m not really into witches and covenants, so loglines like those were at a disadvantage. And you know, sometimes I just took chances. I know the loglines weren’t traditionally ‘sound,’ but something said to me, “This sounds like a unique writer.” The Detroit salt mines one. It felt different. The dwarf opening a pizza shop. It felt different. The dead whale one. It felt different. And those were simply chosen on gut. Unfortunately, that’s not something you can predict when you’re constructing your idea. You never know which gut is going to be looking at your logline.

Now, on to the Twit-Pitch 100. The first 76 were my original picks, and the last 24 were new picks. I chose these by going back through the comments section in the massive Twit-Pitch post and seeing what people liked. I also browsed back through the pitches myself and added a few that didn’t hit me the first time.

I decided to bypass the direct-messaging I promised earlier because it takes a ridiculous amount of time to direct tweet on Twitter for some reason. Therefore, anybody who was favorited and anybody who shows up in the 23 alternates here, you have until Sunday midnight (pacific time) to send me your first 10 pages (to carsonreeves3@gmail.com with subject line: TWIT-PITCH). I’ll let you know next week what the due date is for the entire script, which will be roughly 2 months. Enjoy the pitches!

1) A pill-pushing psychiatrist must connect with his patients when a dissatisfied customer curses him with all of their disorders.

2) Early 1980s New Jersey: a 12-year-old decides to profile the local mob boss for his seventh grade English project.

3) North Atlantic, 1825. A whaling Captain and his mutinous crew are trapped on the body of a dead whale and must fight for survival.

4) A “This American Life” type documentary covering a monster attack on NYC, using found footage, like the 1st anniversary of 9/11

5) Werewolves on The Moon: It’s always a full moon on the moon.

6) After winning a nationwide lottery a man must decide what to do with his prize, fifteen minutes of advice to give to his younger self

7) Genesis Y2K: A Christian broadcasting network hires two failed filmmakers to create a TV series of the Bible before the apocalypse

8) After being framed for his father’s murder, an ex-Army medic goes on the run and uncovers a vast secret buried in Detroit’s salt mines

9) West Side story but hip-hop. Rival barber shops: Hella Cutty vs. Get Faded. Step it up 3 meets Leprechaun in the hood

10) On a dare, a young woman shaves her head… only to discover a pirate’s treasure map tattooed onto her scalp

11) When his fiancee gets promoted, a man must plan their wedding on his own. But he risks losing his bride when he becomes a groomzilla.

12) A troubled teen suspects his father may be trying to kill him for a life insurance payout when he’s involved in several “accidents”

13) A man trying to solve the mystery of his con artist grandfather must overcome his own beliefs and the resistance of his broken family.

14) An uptight half-white half-Latin man confronts his repressed heritage when he’s mistaken for a druglord while on business in Guatemala

15) An orphan grows up in a projection booth. He must use all he learned from movies to survive outdoors or lose his true love

16) A group of friends returns from a time-travel fieldtrip to find a nerdy student has altered his past turning him into a living legend.

17) A hoarder finds the girl of his dreams only to lose her in his apartment.

18) A TV executive is held hostage by the characters from a show he recently cancelled, who demand they be put back on the air.

19) An astrophysicist Jesuit priest suffers a crisis of faith triggered by the discovery of a destroyed civilization lightyears from home.

20) One man unaffected by a world inexplicably frozen in time, seeks a way to end the stasis, and finds to his peril that he’s not alone.

21) Firstclass: Mailmen vs. meter maids, battle in the secret civil servant war for control of the streets while trying to get disability.

22) A down on his luck Ice Cream Man agrees to transport stolen stem cells to Mexico only to find these cells are not from this planet.

23) A team of animals organize to fight the omnipotent Taxidermist after he inflicts their community with a deadly parasite

24) A 30 year old woman who dated twins in college believes that one of them was “The One”, if only she could remember which.

25) Two guys have one weekend to battle for the coveted ‘Godfather’ title to their best friend’s new daughter.

26) A terrorist with a $10 mill bounty, a callous soldier of fortune and a mysterious man with no name walk into a bar in Afghanistan

27) Secrets revealed, lives evaluated and relationships SLAUGHTERED after a small town reality cast deals with the murder of their lead.

28) A paranormal debunker is unknowingly invited to investigate a home by a ghost who is terrified by another evil entity lurking upstairs

29) Ex-CIA assassin unionizes an eclectic group of freelance hitmen to “negotiate” with their mob employers. Norma Rae meets RED

30) When the world’s biggest superhero agreed to grant a dying boy’s last wish, he didn’t count on the boy wishing for all his powers

31) When a suicide cult oddly resurrects in a small town, an ex-cop must uncover the truth, and find his own dead son has also risen

32) 9 strangers wake in a deserted Mexican town besieged by killing machines: they must discover why they’ve been brought there to survive

33) In 1903 North Carolina, the Wright bros attempt the first flight, but shenanigans arise when they fall in love with the same woman

34) The ghost of a legendary star gets tangled up in his own biopic when he needs the help of the heartthrob cast as him

35) Small town funeral home begrudgingly inherited is failing so the owner starts killing for business. Soon, his model goes national.

36) Can it get any worse than living next door to a serial killer? It can if you live on CRIMSON ROAD… the whole street is full of them.

37) Driven into exile by a goblin invasion, a mythological dwarf struggles to adapt to life as a pizzeria owner in upstate New York

38) When a lonely masochistic chubby chaser is abducted by two fat lesbian serial killers, it’s the best thing that ever happened to him.

39) Determined to find a date for his high school reunion, a loser hires a lifecoach who turns out to be his old school bully

40) An imprisoned Japanese-American doctor and a Caucasian nurse fall in love amid mounting tension inside a WWII internment camp

41) ORBIT – A team of astronauts orbiting the Earth find they may be the world’s only hope during a devastating alien attack.

42) When a billionaire sociopath is sent to death row, he offers $100 million cash to anyone that can successfully break him out

43) SPECIMEN – An amnesiac surgeon who wakes up chained to a steel slab must uncover why doctors are performing grisly operations on him.

44) While investigating a popular student’s unexplained disappearance, a high school psychologist realizes her stepson is a prime suspect.

45) After a series of murders, three survivors must help police piece together the previous night’s events. Rashomon meets Reunion

46) RE-ENACTMENT: A civil war expert and his son must fight to survive a reenactment organized by a dangerous southern cult

47) Douche Patrol: Two partners in the newly created Douche Patrol try to expose a plot to douchify the masses through a reality TV show

48) An ex-cop awakes in an alternative reality where normal people are locked up in mental institutions and society is runned by lunatics

49) After checking into a hotel to escape her abusive husband, a woman realizes guests in the next room are holding a young girl hostage.

50) 3 days after his wife and child die, a man discovers he can travel into the past, one day at a time, as long as he never falls asleep.

51) ActingCoach:a hi-school drama teacher becomes coach of the varsity basketball team, forcing his theater philosophies on the jocks

52) With his favorite fast-food sandwich facing its final week before it’s phased out forever, an obsessed man leads a protest to save it.

53) 3 men kill a friend for suspiciously losing their winning lotto ticket, only to later discover the missing ticket was in fact a loser

54) Head of time travel program learns world’ll be destroyed in 25 years and must stop the terrorist responsible: his 25-year-older self.

55) Desperate to divorce but cash-strapped, ornery newlyweds must put their feuding aside to sell their house, much less agree on a price.

56) AIRBORNE An outbreak of a lethal, unknown virus threatens the passengers and crew of a commercial airliner, forcing it to stay aloft

57) Futuristic re-imagining of SLEEPING BEAUTY. A young woman, cryogenically frozen for 100 years, is discovered in deep space.

58) A warrior sets out to track and kill the last giant – a lonely, anguished creature… and last link to an ancient, beautiful world.

59) The little known true story of how Matisse & Picasso went from being fierce rivals to BFFs.

60) To save his Mom’s home, an obnoxious 40 year old is given one chance: enter the teen TV quiz he had a meltdown on 25 years ago.

61) A group of last-minute shoppers trapped in a mall on Christmas Eve are stalked by a demon-possessed Santa. Horror/Comedy

62) A lowly museum curator races to find Pandora’s box before the resurrected Greek gods destroy the modern world.

63) A famous chef has a nervous breakdown and recovers while working at McDonald’s, where he rediscovers his love for food.

64) RomCom-Man loves woman whose dreams predict future, but future she sees isn’t with him. Can he convince her to choose love over fate?

65) A car thief finds a drug mule tied up in the trunk of his latest grab, then finds himself in the sights of the man who wants her back

66) Emilie can control time at will. When she’s hired to change a key event in a mathematical genius’s life, time begins to collapse

67) A lifelong bachelor accidentally proposes to his clingy girlfriend then tries to trick her into dumping him, but the tables soon turn

68) After forced to choose between her two children during a fire, Sarah fears she is now being haunted by the dead son she left behind.

69) A divorced dad adopts a puppy to fix his family but troubles arise when his ex’s new boyfriend joins his Puppy Kindergarten class

70) DEVIL’S DUE: A cave rescue team fights to escape a collapsing abandoned mine stalked by inhuman ghouls who can mimic victims.

71) After running away from home, an eight foot tall teenager stumbles upon a retirement town for sideshow performers.

72) When a U-Boat vanishes in the 1940s, it leads a team of American GIs to a terrifying secret trapped beneath the ice of Antarctica

73) A dwarf on the run from the mob impersonates the 7-year-old host of an irreverent children’s TV show.

74) After thwarting a terrorist hijacking, passengers debate what to do with the surviving bomber, who’s still set on finishing the job

75) ‘The Tradition’ 1867 After losing her father, a woman unwittingly takes a job as a maid at a countryhouse of aristocratic cannibals

76) After perfecting the ability to send data backwards in time, a brilliant quantum physicist must avert his future murder.

AND NOW – FOR THE ALTERNATES (YOUR PICKS!)

77) The Lipschitz Affair: When an art heist interrupts a wedding at the Guggenheim, everyone’s a suspect — even the bride and groom

78) The Shit List: With the help of his best friend, an underachiever seeks revenge on the people he blames for ruining his life #tp12

79) When a solar storm strands a lonesome geologist in the Canadian wild, she must journey through the dark to survive. “Borealis”

80) When fired by God, a hardworking guy decides to change path and ends up appointed CEO of Hell (, Inc).

81) A bridge appears over the Miss. river. A city official forms a blockade, but news that it travels you back in time starts a hysteria.

82) A chicken farmer watches in horror as his simple life is manipulated by a documentary filmmaker into a feature film.

83) Documentarian interviews Environmentalist Leader only to discover he’s a pawn of the Mob, disposing of bodies in newly created parks.

84) 22yrs old and tired of the pain and suffering of being a real boy,Pinocchio embarks on a journey to get turned back into a puppet.

85) A team of scientists lands on Mars to begin the terraformation process, but Mars fights back in RED MENACE.

86) A mundane father returns to his childhood imaginary world, only to find it has been corrupted by his life as an adult.

87) After a chance encounter, a young couple reunites a few months later only to find their love threatened by a dark secret.

88) It’s 1901. Terrorists have just taken over the White House. And only Theodore Roosevelt can stop them.

89) A high school senior discovers there is a conspiracy to stop him from having sex before graduation.

90) 3 girls spend their last summer before high school rebuilding a old fort and their crumbling friendship.

91) A bounty hunter has 30 days to catch his nemesis before the last spaceship departs, leaving him stranded and alone on a dying earth.

92) BLACKHATS: A hacker for hire finds himself in a deadly web of corporate espionage after being hired to steal the 1st sentient A.I.

93) Haunted by his daughter’s death, a reclusive CIA interrogator saves a suspect he’s ordered to torture; a young girl of alien origin.

94) Ecotourists stranded in a radioactive ghost town at Chernobyl face the threat of wolves, disfigured locals & their own social meltdown

95) 1022 BC. Family corruption and fierce enemy tribes plague the young warrior David as he plots his own rise and ascension to Israel’s throne.

96) Chris Kartje ‏ @chriskartje
When, on Xmas Eve, Santa lands on a frat house & eats all the pot cookies, itʼs up to the last sober Jew to be his designated driver.

97) A failed Elvis impersonator travels back in time to steal the life & career of the real Elvis.

98) New York 2029. The whole city is a walled in maximum security town for the wealthy. The world most dangerous criminal just dropped in.

99) Trapped in an increasingly nightmarish limbo, a dead boxer keeps returning to the ring, desperate for the win that’ll change his fate.

100) A rising young actress struggles to keep her sexuality a secret while falling for her female castmate & trying to succeed in Hollywood

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Screenplay Review – Safety Not Guaranteed

Posted on April 9, 2012 | by admin

While you may not be able to go back in time and Twit-Pitch a better logline, you can head back in time with today’s screenplay, Safety Not Guaranteed.

Genre: Indie-Comedy
Premise: Based on a real ad, SNG is about a small-time group of journalists investigating an ad in the classifieds that states – “WANTED: Somebody to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. P.O. Box 322 Oakview, CA 93022. You’ll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.”
About: Yes, this story is based on a real ad. However, if I’m to understand it correctly, the rest of the script is completely made up. While the writer, Connolly, has a distant TV movie credit back in 2005, this seems to be his first “real” produced credit. Rising star Jake Johnson, along with the weird chick from Parks and Recreation, star. The film debuted at Sundance, where it was received well.
Writer: Derek Connolly
Details: 93 pages (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).

 Jake Johnson

I like these scripts with pseudo-magical premises. I like that there’s the possibility of stuff we haven’t figured out yet or can’t understand. Shit, I even liked K-Pax with Kevin Spacey! Actually that’s not true. I liked it for 45 minutes and then it got stupid (“You’re an alien. No, you’re an abused child!” Uhh, what??). I guess what I’m saying is, I like the idea that there’s more out there and I enjoy movies that explore that possibility in a grounded way.

Which leads us to Safety Not Guaranteed, a whimsical little drama/comedy that feels like it was born inside Sundance’s womb, with the intention of playing there once then disappearing forever, kind of like that old Apple commercial that only played once during the Super Bowl.

The script starts out in disastrous territory, introducing us to our lead character, Darius. Now when I say “Darius,” tell me what the first image that comes to mind is. Is it a 13 year old Caucasian girl? Ding ding ding! If you guessed yes, you’d be correct! Except I know you didn’t. Because no intelligent person would. So I will make this plea for the 842,000th time. Do not give your female characters male names. And if you’re going to give them a name that’s usually popular in another ethnicity, you better have a darn good reason for why. It’s not clever. It’s confusing to the reader.

So yeah, right away, I was ready to kick this script’s ass. However, as I was putting on my ass-kicking boots, the story slowly started to rebound (how could it not? It started at such a low point). We learn that the now 22 year old Darius is an assistant at a weird but assumingly popular magazine where she’s desperate to move up. I like characters who want to move up. Makes them active. I stopped tying my boots.

As the employees gather to pitch their latest story ideas to the editor, one of the lead writers, 29-year-old Jeff, pitches his idea on a classified ad about a guy asking for a partner to go back in time with. The guy lives up the coast in a beach town called Ocean View, and he figures he could take a couple of assistants up there and interview the guy. The editor agrees so Jeff chooses Darius and the overtly shy Arnau.

On their way up, Darius pleas with Jeff to get her name on the article while Arnau sits in the back doing his best to look confused (something he’s very good at). Once we get there, we find out Jeff wasn’t interested in the story at all. He actually came here to reconnect with a girlfriend he hasn’t seen since childhood.

Darius is pissed that her boss is a fraud but it actually opens up a great opportunity, since she can now write the article herself. So she goes off to meet the mysterious adster, Kenneth, and finds him as weird as advertised. He’s a terribly awkward combination of autistic and paranoid, convinced that some Men in Black are on to him, trying to prevent him from his mission (just out of curiosity – Why do crazy people always think the government is after them? Is there a Crazy Handbook out there that requires this?).

Kenneth takes to Darius immediately and she goes along with it to get the story. But the more she gets to know him, the more she starts to understand him. He wants to go back in time to prevent a girl’s death. That hits close to home because Darius’s mother died a decade ago and she, too, wishes she could go back and save her.

The closer we get to the big jump, the closer the Men in Black dudes close in. Jeff and pointless Arnau start to question whether Darius has lost her mind because she’s actually starting to believe him. Oh, and then there’s Kenneth, racing around, stealing materials from local corporations, trying to finish up his time machine, which puts the community on high alert. This means they have to speed up the time table. And as the big launch approaches, everybody – the characters and us – are wondering, is this real? Or is Kenneth crazy?

Safety Not Guaranteed started out as one of those “trying too hard to be a hip indie comedy” films that make you laugh and groan in equal measure. Everybody wears a vintage sweater. Everybody’s ironic. And everybody has a perfect little quip in response to a line of dialogue. In other words, if films had necks, you’d want to strangle this one.

But then the screenplay stops trying to impress us and starts focusing on the characters. And when that happens, it actually gets pretty good. I really liked our heroine, Darius. I liked how she hid behind this wall, afraid to feel, afraid to show emotion. I like how she masked it by making fun of others. And I loved how that wall eventually began to drop as the story went on. A little Screenwriting 101 here. Walls are good! Characters who have walls give you a natural place to go with them (breaking those walls down). So add walls to your characters!

I also liked a lot of the choices the writer made, specifically how he wanted the story to remain ambiguous. For example, Kenneth is going back in time to save this girl. (Spoiler) Yet later, Jeff tells Darius he did some investigating and found out the girl Kenneth is going back to save is still alive. When Darius confronts Kenneth about this, he’s confused, but then starts to wonder, does that mean they already went back in time and succeeded? And it was at that moment that I really started to appreciate the script. It genuinely had you wondering – is this real or isn’t it?

I also liked Jeff’s journey. Jeff is clearly a ladies man whose flaw is that he only sees people from the outside. So when he finds the girl from his childhood who’s now… a lot bigger, he has to decide if he’s willing to make a commitment to someone he’s not attracted to. Watching him battle this and come to terms with his flaw was surprisingly touching.

But you can’t win them all, and the game of Anau was definitely lost. I mean could there be a more pointless character in screenplay history? I don’t know if they just wanted a funny Indian guy in the trailer or what but this character was a disaster. His goal was to get laid? Or something? Huh?

Really, that’s the only thing I didn’t like, well besides the Darius name thing of course. The only reason this doesn’t rank higher is because it carries that Sundance Indie tag that seems to limit a story’s ceiling. I can’t really explain it other than to say those movies only tend to be so enjoyable. And while I did enjoy this, I wouldn’t go out telling everybody they have to read it. Still, if you like this kind of story, you should definitely check it out. It’s pretty solid.

[ ] Wait for the rewrite
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Beware the “show off” first act. Some writers feel it’s necessary in the first act to prove how good of a writer they are and therefore push too hard. It’s the equivalent of a first date where you’re trying realllllly hard to be funny or cool. It never comes off natural because you’re pressing. The best dates are when you just relax and be yourself. Your first act should be similar. Don’t try to impress anybody or prove that you’re a great writer (overly quirky dialogue, overly cute names, false “movie” moments). Just tell your story!

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Full Roster of the Twit-Pitch Top 100 Coming Tuesday

Posted on April 9, 2012 | by admin

Hey guys.  I’m going to do a little shifting around this week.  I’m moving my Tuesday review to Wednesday so I can do a full post about Twit-Pitch on Tuesday.  I want to answer some questions, explain why I chose the loglines I did, and just shed a little more light on the process.  I’ll also be revealing the 25 alternates that made the list.  In the meantime, I’ve been closely monitoring the comments section.  I’ve picked 13 of the 25 based on your collective enthusiasm so far.  So keep the discussion alive.  Oh, and thanks!  That post will be the first ever 1000 comment post in Scriptshadow history!!!

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The Official 2012 Twit-Pitch Post!

Posted on April 7, 2012 | by admin

Twit-Pitch is now over.
Check my Twitter Feed and click “favorites” to see everything I’ve chosen.  I won’t have picked everything until tonight though.  Feel free to start sharing your favorite Twit-Pitches in the comments. I’ll be choosing the final 5-10 Twit-Pitches based on the loglines you liked best.

Update: I have officially chosen 74 tweets . That means you, the readers get to choose up to 26 tweets to add to the list.  I’ll be closely monitoring the comments section to see which pitches made the most noise.  And hey, if only 5 are talked about, then I’m only taking 5.  The number added will depend on the interest.

 “Chirp chirp. How the f&%k am I going to get my logline down to 134 characters???”

Welcome everyone.  Come one.  Come all.  To the first annual Scriptshadow Twit-Pitch Contest Experiment Extravaganza.  Where you, the hardworking unknown writer, tweet me your logline in 134 characters or less!  Now I know a lot of you Twitter newbies have been freaking out over this process. You’re scared your tweet won’t show or you won’t know how to see it.  Bad news. I’m scared too. However, I came up with an idea.  You can test your tweets all day long if you want, just to make sure they work.  I’ll only look at the ones from 2-4pm though.  Those are the only ones I’ll count.  This way, everyone can make sure they’re prepared.

Now how DO you see your tweet to make sure it’s shown up?  Simple.  Well, not simple.  But it’s doable if you have an IQ approaching 140.  Tweet your pitch, i.e., “When a pizza man is late for his delivery, he turns into a pizza.”  Then, AFTER your pitch, you want to leave a SPACE and then this unique hashtag identifier: “#tp12” which stands for “Twit-Pitch 2012.”  All in all, your tweet will look like this:

When a pizza man is late for his delivery, he turns into a pizza. #tp12

Then, all you have to do, is CLICK on the #tp12 (which will be a link) in your tweet and Twitter will take you to all of the other twit-pitches, as well as your own, so you can check to see that it’s there.  This is where I’ll be monitoring everyone’s Twit-Pitches.

Now, here’s how it’s going to work.  If I like a pitch, I will FAVORITE YOUR TWEET and DIRECT MESSAGE YOU, just to double-confirm I’ve picked you. You will then send your first ten pages, or your entire script (doesn’t matter as I’ll just read the first 10 pages regardless) to carsonreeves3@gmail.com with the subject line: “TWIT-PITCH.”  You’ll have a week to do this.  Now I have no idea how many people are going to be participating.  It could be 400.  It could be 4000.  If it’s over a thousand, it will probably take me awhile to read through all the tweets.  So just because you don’t get picked right away, don’t worry.  It might be because I haven’t read yours yet.  I should be done by the end of the day though.

Once those are chosen, I’ll take two months to go over them.  You’ll definitely want to follow me on Twitter as I’ll be tweeting updates about the contest throughout those two months.  I’ll let you know when I’ve found something good.  I’ll let you know when I’ve found something…errrr…not good.  I plan for this to be totally open.  At the end of the two months, I’ll announce 20-25 finalists and read the entire scripts, from which I’ll pick a winner.  I will then read the winning script live on a web feed.  That’s not true.  I won’t do that. 

BUT THERE’S MORE!  What I love about Scriptshadow is how bright our commenters are.  Easily the brightest on any screenwriting site.  So, if you guys get all jazzed up about a particular Twit-Pitch logline that I didn’t pick, I’ll add up to FIVE of those pitches to the first round pool. So even when it’s over, it’s not really over!  Feel free to leave your opinions on Twit-pitches in these comments or the official Top 100 twit-pitch thread, which should be up tomorrow or Monday, depending on how many there are.  Also, guys, don’t recruit your friends or sign in with different accounts and tout your own twit-pitch.  I know the commenting rhythm of this site like the back of my hand.  I’ll know what you’re doing and I’ll get really really angry! (or just slightly annoyed).

Well, that’s it!  Feel free to ask any tech questions in the comments section.  There’s a lot of smart people here who can help you.  Also, if this is the first time hearing about the Twit-Pitch Contest, please head to this post to look over the rules.  Good luck everyone!  And remember, you’re writers.  Be creative.  Be fun.  The whole idea behind this is to have a good time. :)

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