A young up-and-coming writer takes on the Amazon Contest winner in a two-day experiment I call “The Gauntlet.”

I’m unofficially introducing a new feature here on Scriptshadow. I call it “The Gauntlet.” It’s when an amateur screenwriter believes with all of his heart that his screenplay is better than a professional’s, or in today’s case, a contest winner. Gauntlet rules are simple. Two scripts enter. One script leaves. The contest in question? Amazon (who else?). Tomorrow’s writer, Mike, took one look at Origin Of A Species, the Amazon winner, and was confident his entry was better. So today we’ll look at the winner (which you can download here) and tomorrow we’ll look at Mike’s script (which you can download here – fixed) and decide which script wins the GAUNTLET!

Genre: Drama/Thriller
Premise: An ex-cop finds himself in a precarious situation when his 3 dogs begin a killing spree across town.
About: This was the winner of Amazon Studios script contest. Matthew Gossett, the writer, took home the biggest winning contest check ever for a screenplay – $100,000. Amazon practically branded itself the “High concept” competition. It was the anti-Nicholl. They wanted to celebrate big ideas that they could turn into profitable movies. So it was a bit of a shock that one of the least commercial scripts took the top prize. Must mean they really loved it. But is that love deserved??
Writer: Matthew Gossett
Details: 111 pages – 1st draft (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).

What a great script to discuss after last week’s behemoth, The Disciple Program. That script had a goal (find out who killed his wife), stakes (hero’s life constantly at risk), and urgency (someone always on our hero’s tail). This script has…well, none of that really. Or at least, it doesn’t have it for awhile. This is such a weird story, I feel like I need a map to explain my reaction to it.

I’ll start off by paying it a weird compliment. I don’t think I’ve ever liked a script this much where nothing happened for so long. I mean no plot emerges in this script for forever. And yet it still managed to reel me in.

“Origin” introduces us to 36 year old Bonnie and 16 year old Dan. They’re out swimming in the middle of nowhere and we’re not sure what the connection between them is but we sense that their relationship isn’t on the up and up.

Afterwards we meet Jim, Bonnie’s husband, a former cop who lost his leg in the line of duty. These days, he collects disability while running a private K-9 drug-sniffing business. But he spends most of his time dealing with annoying Larry Givens, his elderly next door neighbor who insists, at every opportunity, that Jim’s fence is on his property.

We also end up learning where Bonnie and Dan met. At school! As in, she’s his teacher. So we meet all these characters, get a feel for their situations, and then the script sort of drifts out to sea for awhile. But somehow it drifts in a good way. Whenever you have a secret dominating your plot (Bonnie and Dan’s relationship), the audience subconsciously wants to stick around until that secret comes out. We want to be there when this affair gets revealed.

Finally, a plot starts kicking in. Jim’s drug dogs start acting strange. They start missing drugs they usually sniff out and they’re not as responsive as they usually are. Earlier in the script we learned of a rabies outbreak sweeping the territory. It looks like Jim’s dogs have caught it. But before anyone realizes this, the dogs escape, and that’s when everything changes.

The cops find a young boy mauled to death. Later, Jim finds his neighbor, Larry, chewed to a pulp, along with a horrifying secret inside his home. And the dogs are getting worse. They’re roaming around town, looking for anything to sink their teeth into. In the end, they’ll find our inappropriate duo of Bonnie and Dan. Will they make them their last supper? Or will Jim stop them before they do?

Holy Schnikes. This script was *different*. Like I said, there’s no true narrative to speak of here. The plot doesn’t kick in for awhile. When urgency does arrive in the story (they have to stop the dogs before they kill more people), it’s so random (rabies-infested dogs don’t target specific people) that it’s hard to worry. I mean yeah they do end up going after people we know, but it’s all by coincidence. They could’ve just as easily continued killing randoms.

So then why the hell did I like this thing? Well, let’s start with the conflict. Gossett has an amazing ability to find the conflict in every situation and exploit the shit out of it. This is so important in a script like this because there isn’t much holding the story together. So if the scenes aren’t interesting – if they aren’t conflict-filled – we’ll become bored easily. Since there’s always conflict present, however, it distracts us from the fact that there’s no story to speak of.

There’s an early scene in a scrap yard, for example, when Jim is looking for his dog (this is before the dogs have gone nuts). He all of a sudden spots the junked cop car he totaled his leg in. Spooked but intrigued, he sits down in it. That’s when he hears his dog and tries to get out. But his pants get stuck on a metal divot. So he’s trying to rip his pants away so he can get his dog before she disappears again, but he can’t. He can’t get out.

And it’s the simplest scene. A guy trying to get out of a car. And yet it’s really good because it utilizes the full gamut of GSU. Goal – get his dog. Stakes – his dog being lost. Urgency – if he doesn’t get out soon she’ll disappear. Throw in some conflict (his leg gets stuck) and you have yourself a scene. I was amazed at how much drama Gossett could milk out of these tiny little moments.

This script reminded me A LOT of When The Streetlights Go On actually. There’s just a mood and tone here that permeates throughout every page. There’s a sense of foreboding. I wouldn’t say the writing is as good as Streetlights (those writers could paint a scene like no other) but boy does Gossett know how to build tension and ambiance. I mean there’s this random insignificant scene where Bonnie has to put the dogs away and gets caught behind them in the doghouse. They’re all just looking at her. And for a brief moment, we realize that she could actually die here. It was freaky man. I guess I was just constantly amazed at how Gossett could do so much with so little.

The thing is, I can’t really argue with people who hate this script. And there seem to be many. I mean, like I pointed out, it doesn’t have any of the key ingredients that make a story go (GSU). Instead it uses less obvious story engines (suspense, curiosity, dramatic irony). But that’s what’s so impressive. Anybody who’s read a ton of scripts can tell you, coming up with a story that works without using those big engines is one of the hardest things to do. Shit, it’s hard to write a good story when you DO use GSU. So I have an immense amount of respect for any writer who’s able to pull off what Gossett did here.

On the technical side, it looks like there’s two versions of this script floating around. There’s the 8th draft and then there’s this one, the 1st draft. People who have hated the script have been mentioning the 8th draft. I’m wondering if the 8th draft is the last draft in a long attempt to turn this into a traditional narrative? I think that would be a huge mistake. The whole charm of this story is that it’s so weirdly constructed. You’re unsure of where it’s going next and if you try and structure that, the script loses that X-factor that makes it unique.

You know what I just realized this reminded me of? A Haruki Murakami novel. The narrative’s loose but there’s a lot of weird interesting shit going on to keep you engaged. So if you like Murakami, you’re definitely going to like “Origin.” If they could get “The Ice Storm” Ang Lee to direct this. Or Atom Egoyan? It could become an indie classic. Hey, I know I hated Ben Franklin. But I have to give it to Amazon. They absolutely picked the right winner. This is impressive stuff!

[ ] Wait for the rewrite
[ ] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[x] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Order of information – Be aware that the order in which you reveal information in your story has a HUGE impact on the how the reader emotionally processes it. By moving just a few scenes around, you can create a completely different reaction. In “Origin,” we start out with Bonnie and Dan. We don’t know much about these two, but we know their relationship isn’t appropriate. This rouses our curiosity. How did these two meet? How do they know each other? How did this come about? A little while later, we get a classroom scene and realize Bonnie is Dan’s teacher. Oh! That’s how they met. In class. Consider if we would’ve changed the order of these scenes. If we start with Bonnie and Dan in class first, you lose the lingering curiosity of “How did this come about?” You also start with a boring scene that means nothing to us at the time as opposed to an interesting one, which gets us thinking. I’m not saying you should never reverse the order of these scenes. There are some story situations where you want an affair between two people to be a surprise. But just make sure you’re thinking about your scene placement. You always want to order things in a way to maximize the story impact.

What I learned 2: That even the tiniest scenes can be really good with a cleverly introduced element of conflict. The “getting stuck in car” scene and the “Bonnie trapped by the dogs” scene were perfect examples of this.

You know, it’s harder giving interviews than you think!  It’s hard to come up with unique questions and such.  So I decided to mix it up a little bit with today’s guest and ask some questions that usually don’t get asked.  Hopefully you enjoy it.  John Swetnam’s name might sound familiar to you.  He’s the Found Footage king.  Well, maybe not the king.  Oren Peli owns the copyright on found footage.  But he’s pretty darn close. He’s sold two found footage specs, Evidence and Category 6 (a found footage tornado spec) and, as I just found out via this interview, is coming out with another, “Genesis: Dawn,” that he hopes will change the found footage game. I talked with him after the interview and I don’t think I’ve ever heard somebody as passionate about something as he is about this spec. I wanted to go to the nearest theater and see it right now!  Need more John Swetnam? You can follow him @JohnSwetnam on Twitter .

SS: How is a working writer’s life different from a non-working writer’s life? How are your days different?

JS: The biggest difference in my life now is that pants are mostly optional. I can’t tell you what it’s like to commute from my bedroom to the computer in by boxer briefs, spike a cup of coffee with some Jack Daniels and spend my hours just making shit up. It’s amazing. All the years of struggle, of waiting tables, of making minimum wage are definitely worth it. It is the greatest job on the planet and I just try to be grateful every day. I even had that tattooed on my chest. Literally. Be Grateful Every Day.

SS: Everybody has a bad first script story. What was your first script about? Was it bad? When you go back to it, what kind of sounds do you make?

JS: My first script was called “Fifty Yard Gain”. It was a teen drama that I based on the small town in Tennessee where I used to live. We had an East and West High School in the same town, which was pretty nuts. HUGE rivalry. So the script was basically Romeo and Juliet in the world of High School Football. I actually went back to check it out recently and of course it was awful, but there was this energy in the writing that I thought was cool. Back when I had no idea what I was doing, I just poured my soul onto the page. But of course, my soul is twisted and insane, so the script is a complete and total cluster fuck. I still think it was a pretty good idea though. It would be like High School Musical but instead of singing, there would be drugs, abortions, and armed robbery. Somebody put in a call to Disney…

SS: I’m hoping you visited Scriptshadow before you sold Evidence. Is there anything you learned from this wonderful little blog that helped your own screenwriting?

JS: Dude, you probably don’t remember this but way back in the day you read some of my stuff. There was one script called RAPTURE, which was like this Midnight Run at the end of the world thing. Again, it was a steaming pile of shit, but you had some very encouraging words about the writing. And I’ve never forgotten that, even though you have– dick.

And yes, I’ve followed the blog since its conception. And one of the greatest things I’ve learned, or at least reconfirmed, was from reading all the comments from your readers. And that’s that this business is SO subjective. One guy may hate something while another loves it. And neither one of them are wrong (except for the pricks who railed on EVIDENCE). But us, as writers, need to remember that. You’re not gonna please everybody and somebody IS going to hate your stuff. But that’s okay. Just know who your audience is and write it for them… even if that’s just you. You can’t please everybody so don’t even try.

SS: Wait a minute wait a minute. I think I remember that script. This was back in the Done Deal days right? Maybe when I had just started the site? I remember that. The writing was good. Definitely not a steaming pile of shit. So if you wrote that script now, what would be different? How would you approach it now as opposed to then?

JS: Yeah, it was back in my DDP days. The idea for that script was actually pretty good butt I’d completely have to rework it to fit certain marketing parameters. That was a 150 million dollar post-apocalyptic dark comedy. Not really an easy sell. If I were to do it today, I’d do a Zombieland version. Small and fun with action. Midnight Run at the end of the world. It practically sells itself!

SS: You wrote 16 specs before you got your first sale. How did you keep the faith? And how did you pay for rent?

JS: I always tell people that there is no right or wrong path to making it in this business. We’re not lawyers. Some guy can write one script at 19 years old, sell it for a million, and be off and running (of course we all hate that guy, but still). And for some it may take three or four scripts. And for some stubborn idiots it may take 16. But the thing is, for me, I needed ALL of those scripts. Because I got better with each and every one. Obviously when I started I was the equivalent of a brain damaged sloth, but slowly and surely I got better and better, until finally I had enough skill to become a bonafied hack and sell a script.

But in all seriousness, through all the ups and downs, what I know for sure is that I believed in myself. From my first script to my latest, number 22. I know deep down that I can be good at this and I’m determined to prove that to myself. I have no backup plan. If there are any doubts, I squash them (or drink them away). But this was, and continues to be, the greatest and most satisfying challenge of my life. Can I succeed? Can I make awesome movies that make shitloads of money? The answer may be “no”, but I promise you I will keep trying until the day I die. I always tells my buddies that “this is the year”. And if that’s what it ends up saying on my gravestone… that “this is the year”… I’m okay with that because it means I never gave up.

And to all your readers, if you look deep down in yourself and you honestly believe you can do this and this crazy dream is what makes you happy, then just go for it. Do it. Go all in. And don’t doubt yourself. I know that’s hard to do, but trust me, in this business there’s gonna be enough people out there doubting you… don’t be one of them. Your passion and confidence are what will get you through. Just know that it’s hard, and it may take one year and two scripts, or ten years and twenty scripts. But that shouldn’t matter. Just keep writing. Keep fighting. And keep believing in yourself.

And to answer your question about paying rent. I will now give your readers the greatest piece of screenwriting advice ever. Two words. APARTMENT MANAGEMENT. I got free rent, salary, had a roommate that paid me cash, and I spent all day writing. Your toilet needs to be unclogged? Fuck off, I’m writing. Did it for 7 years. That’s the trick. You’re welcome.

SS: A question I’m CONSTANTLY asked is “Should I go to school for screenwriting?” You went to Chapman (a beautiful little school btw – I visited there myself). How would you answer that question? SHOULD someone go to school? Or should they just visit screenwriting blogs every day and save their money?

JS: Getting a master’s degree is a very strange thing. I already had a bachelor’s so there I had a base of knowledge and education. For me, going to grad school was not so much about learning the craft, but being surrounded by it. And by that, I mean, you’re talking with people every day about movies. You’re writing on deadline, interacting with professionals, networking, etc. And of course there’s the student loans that you can use to fuel all those weekend binges in Vegas.

So for me, in my particular situation, it was cool. I met some cool people and it really threw me into the world of film like nothing else. Would I do it all over again? Probably not. I would probably write my ass off, move to Hollywood, and get a job as an apartment manager while interning and visiting Scriptshadow and GITS every day. (Are you gonna pay me for all these plugs?)

SS: By the way, how does the money work for a script sale? Everybody hears about the numbers but, like, when do you actually get paid! How does that whole process work?

Ah, the money question. My favorite. To be honest every deal is different. The option is what happens to most people on their first “sale”. And if you can get into production you’ll see a fat check on day one of principal photography. For outright sales you get a big fatty check about 3-4 months after the sale (it takes a while to get all the contracts worked out) and then another chunky pay day on day one of shooting. Plus there are bonuses built in, some back end possibly, etc, etc. Let’s just say the money beats apartment managing.

SS: 3 movies that you think would be awesome remade as Found Footage movies. Besides When Harry Met Sally. Go.

JS: I actually wrote down 3 answers to this question but then I erased them all because I realized how fucking awesome they were. I’m literally gonna pitch them now. Sorry.

SS: You’ve had multiple agents and managers. It sounds like the early ones didn’t do a whole lot. Could you tell writers what to avoid when looking for an agent or manager, and some of the issues to expect once you do become a client?

JS: I can tell you from my experience that 99% of any issues I ever had with any of my previous reps fell completely on my shoulders. Believe me, if I would’ve given any of those guys a good damn script they could’ve sold it. But I never did. So it’s really hard to judge anyone on representing me when I didn’t yet have the ability to represent myself in my work.

As for issues with reps, I always tell people to forget about the letters on the building or the promises and the smoke that will inevitably be blown up your ass. Trust your gut. Do you believe that they believe what they’re saying? I mean, just take your time and really get a feel for the person and if you feel that connection, then go for it. If it doesn’t work out you can always leave. Nothing personal. You have to remember that this is your career so if you’re not feeling it after six months or a year… just bail and start again. No shame it that. I know that when you’re starting out it’s terrifying to go from repped to unrepped, but if you can find that manager/agent once then you’ll be able to do it again. Be confident in your ability, or at the very least, be confident in your ability to get better.

SS: How did you get your early agents/managers btw? I know Jake Wagner found you after being a finalist on the Tracking B contest. But before that, what was your trick to getting repped?

JS: After grad school I moved to Hollywood and got an internship. I worked hard and tried to figure out what the producers at the company were looking for. I became friends with the assistants who were genuinely good guys and I asked their advice as I generated concepts. Finally I had a concept that they loved. I wrote the spec script and the assistant showed the producer. He liked it enough to want to develop it so I asked him to call his friend who was a manger, which he did. Then when I signed with the manager I asked him to call his friend who was an agent and he did. Boom. Repped.

Of course, the script turned out awful and I never made any of those guys one dollar after years of bitching and complaining. I still feel like I owe all my old reps a drink or ten. I mean, I was so cocky back then with absolutely zero skills. I must’ve been a pain in the ass to deal with. (I still am but at least now they’re getting paid). 

SS: What is a writer/agent writer/manager relationship like? Do you talk every day? When you do talk, what do you talk about? Can you give me a typical conversation?

JS: Again this is one of those questions, like most, where every time it’s different. Every relationship I’ve ever had, whether it was with a girl, a guy friend, an agent, or whatever… they’re always different. Some good and some bad. My relationship with my team right now is fantastic. I consider them both friends and when I need something they are there for me. I’m really, really lucky.

A typical conversation might go something like this…

ME: Yo, let’s sell this script and get me paid. THEM: On it. CUT TO TWO WEEKS LATER where I’m either making it rain at the strip club, or back on the computer working on a new spec.

But seriously, they’re great. I owe a lot to them both. And right now… it’s all good.

SS: What are your thoughts on Tyler coming out of nowhere this past week with The Disciple Program? Pretty wild, huh?

JS: Fucking loved it! These are those stories that I would dream about when I was starting out. I’m a little pissed and super jealous that this kind of shit never happened to me, but I was never as good as a writer as he is. The guy put the words on the page. He created a product and then you created a demand. The product lived up to the hype and dude’s gonna have a hell of a year. My advice to him is just to keep his feet on the ground and write, write, write. I’m excited to see how his career progresses. No doubt he’ll be getting all the good jobs and exposing me for the fraud that I am.

SS: Speaking of, Tyler is taking a bunch of meetings over the next two weeks. Can you give him any advice? I mean, what did you learn from that first wave of meetings?

JS: Enjoy the hell out of it. It’s a once in a lifetime experience because it’s only “new and exciting” once. I mean, it’s always exciting but that overwhelming, surreal world he’s about to step into is soooo much fun the first time. It’s a trip. The studios. The fancy restaurants. The praise. Oh man, do I miss all that praise. But like I said before, hopefully he meets some reps, clicks with them and trusts his gut, and they’ll get him a ton of opportunities. Just have fun, order the lobster, drink the single-malt, and then get back to writing. Create more product. Cause without it… we got nothing.

SS: You seem to be on the cutting edge of technology. You have a Twitter account. You write found footage. Are you actively thinking of the next trend? What is it? Can you tell me?

JS: I’m on the cutting edge of technology because I have a twitter account? Sweet. And yes, I write Found Footage. As for the next trend… I could tell you but I’d have to kill you.

SS: How do you think found footage is going to evolve? What’s the next phase?

JS: Found Footage has a long way to go before it fades away. There are so many writers out there experimenting with the genre that I think it’s really exciting to see what comes out of it. But you really wanna know what I think the next phase of found footage is. Two words. “GENESIS: DAWN”.

SS: So what are you writing now? What have you finished recently? You got any cool scripts we should be aware of?

JS: Oh, funny you should ask, but I just finished a new spec that’s the next phase of found footage called “GENESIS: DAWN”. I’m actually really stoked about this one because it’s literally like nothing that’s ever been done before.

Tonally, I wanted to do a franchise starter like Resident Evil or Underworld. But mine is the sci-fi action-thriller version of that.

Here’s the logline to peak your interest (hopefully): After her daughter is abducted, a young mother wakes up on a spaceship and must traverse a hostile landscape while battling alien creatures in order to find her. It’s basically Taken meets Aliens POV style.

Hopefully you can do a review on it soon. Just make sure it gets an “Impressive”.

SS: Finally – since you love to reminded – you wrote 16 scripts before you found success. If you could go back and do it all over again, what would you change to speed things up!?

JS: Here’s the fucked up thing about this question… there’s nothing I could’ve done different. For me, it took 16 scripts before I got to a place where I felt like I knew what I was doing. If I could go back and make myself smarter, maybe that would work. Or I could’ve told myself not to drink so much beer or smoke so much weed, but what’s the fun in that? I really just think there is no secret. No magic bullet. There are tons of concepts, theories, ideas, guidelines, etc, that will definitely help you. But I think every writer has to just keep writing. And keep writing. If you stay focused, work hard, and work smart, you will succeed at some point. And it will be at your own pace. I’m proof of it, because I’m not a talented writer. I wasn’t born with a gift. I just know that I will not be outworked. As Big Willy said, “I’m not afraid to die on the treadmill”.

Anyway, thanks for the interview. It was fun. Hopefully I didn’t come off as too much of a d-bag. I wish nothing but the best for all of us. It’s an amazing dream that we’re chasing and it won’t come easy, but it will come if you believe in yourself and KEEP WRITING!

Okay, so for the last few days I’ve been racking my brain trying to figure out ways to find a few more gems, find a few more Disciple Programs.  So I came up with an idea.  This Sunday, between 12:00 pm and 12:15 pm Pacific time, any writer who’s made less than 10k through screenwriting and does not have a manager or an agent, can pitch me their script IN A SINGLE TWEET.  Yes, that’s right.  You’ll have 140 characters to pitch your screenplay.  I will read the first 10 pages of my FIVE FAVORITE pitches.  Whoever has the best first 10 pages, I’ll read the entire script and review it on the site. If I really love it, I’ll pass it on to the higher-ups.  This will be a grand experiment. I have no idea what to expect.  But it should be really fun.  As someone else put it, you’ll basically have to come up with a logline for your logline. There are no rules to how you have to pitch – as long as it’s within a single Tweet. And you can only pitch me ONE IDEA. I’ll post a reminder on Friday with more detailed information.  So first, GO FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER.   And second, START PREPARING THOSE TWITCHES.

EDIT 3: Will probably push this back guys because it’s getting a lot bigger. Won’t happen this Sunday.  So you’ll have a little more time.  Not sure actual time frame but 2-4 weeks sounds reasonable. This should give you time to work on those scripts!

EDIT 2: Guys, this thing is going to get a lot bigger. A LOT.  I’ll keep you updated in the coming days as I start putting it together.  But needless to say, I’ll be looking to change a writer’s life. :)

A last second change brings us a guest review of a 2010 Black List script about teenage girls exploring their sexuality. Enjoy!

Ha, you guys thought I was going to post a review of one script, but I did a switcheroo on you and now I’m posting another! Don’t ever try and predict the Scriptshadow. Because you can’t! Why the switcheroo? Because I’m going one better. Instead of reviewing the script of John Swetnam, I’m interviewing him instead! Tomorrow. So be there or be…um…not there. But you should be there. Cause I ask him some fun questions. In the meantime, today’s guest review is from Matt Williams, who’s reviewing the 2010 Black List script, “The Hand Job.” He’s also the first Scriptshadow reviewer to use the semicolon. So watch out!

Genre: Comedy/Coming-of-Age
Premise: Over the course of the summer of 1991, up-tight Brandy Clark aspires to check off all the points of her “To-Do” list, which would ultimately conclude in losing her virginity.
About: Originally appearing on the 2010 Black-list, “The Hand-Job” (now re-titled “The To-Do List”) is slated for a 2013 release, to-be directed by writer Maggie Carey, and starring Aubrey Plaza in the role of Brandy.
Writer: Maggie Carey
Details: 112 pages – July 6, 2009 draft (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).

A fellow screenwriter who burst out of nowhere with a 750k sale returns with his newest spec, which sold last month.

Genre: Crime/Drama/Thriller
Premise: A washed up hitman is pulled back into the game when his estranged son accidentally gets tangled up in a bad situation with his former employer.
About: Brad Ingelsby jumped onto the scene when he sold The Low Dweller a few years ago. The 750,000 dollar spec sale was spearheaded by getting Leonardo DiCpario attached. This is his new spec, which he just sold last month.
Writer: Brad Ingelsby
Details: 107 pages – 1/3/12 draft (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).

What better word-lover to follow Tyler than ANOTHER word aficionado, Brad Ingelsby! With these two on the Hollywood Scrabble board, it’s like a word-topia. It’s like a word-a-palooza. I have a feeling if it was just me, Tyler, and Brad at a bar, I would quickly be nudged out of the conversation. They’d be like, “Carson, could you parsimoniously pass me my drink?” And I’d counter with one of six four-syllable words I know – something like “affirmative” – and that would be it. I’d be out.

Anyway, this is Ingelsby’s second big script. I may not have been The Low Dweller’s biggest cheerleader, but hey, you know me. It’s hard for a slow-paced script to pull me in. Maybe that same thought nudged into Ingelsby’s noggin, because he did title this one, “Run All Night.” Promises of something faster paced? Read on to find out.

Jimmy Conlon is a hitman in Philadelphia. To give you an idea of what Philadelphia’s like – they boo Santa Clause there. No, I’m not kidding. Santa Clause showed up to an Eagles game once and they booed him. So the kind of people who live in this city? Not the huggable types. Important to know for later.

Anyway, Jimmy’s finally hung up the gun (do you hang up a gun) and spends his days in cushion land getting wasted all day. While I understand this is the de facto writing method for 30% of the screenwriters out there and can be really fun when combined with the internet, it definitely doesn’t suit our friend Jimmy. Clearly, he’s wasting away.

So Jimmy’s got a son, Mike, who he hasn’t stayed in touch with. Mike drives a limo. Has a family. Lives a clean life. He’s basically the opposite of his father.

That’s about to change, however. Mike is unknowingly tasked with bringing a couple of low-lives to a guy named Colin McGuire’s place, who’s also a low-life, but with lots more money and guns. And when these guys ask for their payment, Colin gives them a bullet sandwich instead (yes, I just used “bullet sandwich” in a sentence. Roll with me here. I’m still upset about being kicked out of Tyler and Brad’s conversation).

Once Colin realizes these guys came in a limo, well naturally he has to kill the limo driver too. Which is exactly what he tries to do. But Mike narrowly escapes. This leaves Colin with a problem. A virtual eye-witness to his murders. Now here’s where things get interesting. Jimmy, Mike’s father, used to work for Shawn McGuire – as in COLIN’S FATHER. That’s who he used to kill people for.

So now Mike has no choice but to go to his father and ask him what the hell he should do. Jimmy, back in business mode, says he’s going to try and take care of this diplomatically. So he calls his old boss, explaining that it’s all good – that his son isn’t going to say anything. But while this is happening, the loose-cannon Colin sneaks in to kill Mike. When Jimmy realizes what’s going on, he runs into the room, just as Colin is about to pull the trigger, and shoots him dead.

Jimmy then tells Shawn what happened – that he just killed his son. Shawn agrees that he did the right thing. If he were in his position, he would’ve pulled the trigger too. But he follows this with a really chilling sentence: You know how this has to end, right? Jimmy knows. So he grabs his son, and the two have to “run all night,” and not just from Shawn, but from everyone in the town that Shawn owns, which is everyone, including the cops. Will they make it out alive?

Run All Night starts with a very un-reader friendly gaggle of Irish names. Everybody’s named Shawn or Frank or Collin or Conlon or Maguire or Dorsey. My guess is Brad doesn’t read a lot of scripts or else he’d know how difficult it is for a reader to keep track of that kind of character spread. If I’m looking at a large character count, I’m using everything in my arsenal to make those names individual and memorable. I’ll use nicknames, unusual names, monikers (Fat Bill). I’ll push unimportant character intros to later so they don’t get lost in the slog. But it really gets hard if all the names are one nationality like this. I was checking my notes every 30 seconds to keep track of who was who.

But after that…Run All Night gets good. Really good in fact. I got goosebumps after Jimmy kills Colin, makes the call to Shawn to tell him he just killed his kid, and Shawn, somewhat understanding, replies, “You know how this has to end.” That was my official “sit up” moment (Whenever I sit up, it means a script’s got me).

Brad also makes the wise decision – WHICH I ALWAYS TELL YOU GUYS TO DO – to create an unresolved relationship between Mike and Jimmy. Once you have an unresolved relationship, the audience emotionally invests themselves in the journey until it’s resolved. So it’s one more way to pull the audience in besides the cool plot of running from the bad guys. Was the relationship here a little too familiar at times? Yeah, probably. But Inglesby added just enough of his own spin to make me believe these two were real people with real issues.

And, you know, I always like when a writer throws in the wild card character. I remember how this very device SAVED a script that I would have otherwise forgotten. We also saw it work for Everly. Here, it’s Andrew Price, a trained killer who looks like he never outgrew his high school mathlete days. Shawn hires him to dispose of his son’s killers and boy does he pull out every trick in the book to do so. I don’t know what it is but there’s something about the wild card character that just shakes shit up. You don’t feel like you have as good of a beat on what’s going on. They create uncertainty and unpredictability and I love that.

Scriptshadow vets (not to exclude the Disciple newbies) may have also noted a key Scriptshadow truism– our character’s goal. Remember, if you just have the characters on the run the whole time, it’s probably going to get boring. Your characters need a purpose! They need somewhere to go! So Ingelsby uses the kid who witnessed the murder as the character goal. They need to find that kid so they can prove that Colin, did indeed, kill those men.

Did I love this goal? No, I didn’t “love” it. I kept flashing forward to the court room with Shawn using one of the best lawyers money can buy to discredit the shit out of this boy. So I think something stronger could be used. But the point is that there’s a goal in the first place. Beginner writers wouldn’t even use a goal in this scenario so the characters would just be running around aimlessly with the audience asking, “What’s the point of all this again? Where are they going?”

But I was definitely entertained bythis one. It feels like Ingelsby is growing as a writer. Let’s hope that continues cause he’s frighteningly talented.

[ ] Wait for the rewrite
[ ] wasn’t for me
[xx] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: You never want your characters wandering around aimlessly for too long in these “on the run” movies. They can be running from someone. But within 2-3 scenes, you want to give them a plan, something to do – because wandering around aimlessly gets repetitive. For that reason, always be asking yourself, “What can my characters be *after*? What can they *need to do* right now?” The sooner they have a plan in place, the sooner your script gains that essential focus that all good screenplays have.