A former Nicholl-finalist is back in the saddle with a new horror screenplay which combines elements of Pitch Black and The Descent!

Genre: Horror
Premise: When they open up a well that hasn’t been looked at since dinosaurs were around, a group of locals find themselves fighting off a large group of prehistoric flying monsters.
About: Brian Logan finished in the Top 10 in the 2003 Nicholl finals. This is his latest script, which hasn’t yet sold. You can find out more about the Aussie at his website, “ThatActionGuy.com.” To learn more about co-writer David J. Sakmyster, head over to his website here. 
Writers: Brian M. Logan & David J. Sakmyster
Details: 99 pages (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).

Pitch Black meets The Descent? Uhh, yeah, I’m in. Those are two damn good movies. But could this script live up to those lofty cult classics?

We start out in a full-blown desert town appropriately called “Desert Springs.” In this small town, water is in short supply, which means the local water plant is going to have to open up a new well. It just so happens that 37-year-old Jake Mitchell, a former Marine and our hero, works as a security guard at the plant and is dealing with some of the headaches that come along with opening up this fifth well.

To make matter worse, he’s tasked with showing around local TV personality Emma Flynn, a 30-year-old ambitious newscaster will who will do anything to get the story and nothing for you. Why she’s coming to this boring middle-of-nowhere town to do a story on a water plant is anyone’s guess, but we need ourselves a movie so come she does!

Jake and Emma are oil and water from the start and when a couple of kids start lighting firecrackers near the wells, she gets her camera rolling to check out what Jake does every night. When he gets there, he learns that one of the kids who ran away, the Mayor’s grandson, fell into the NEW FIFTH WELL. Uh oh. That can’t be good.

The kid seems fine at first but a local scientist finds a strange leaf attached to him that turns out to be over 250,000 years old. It appears that this well dates back quite a ways and since this is the first time it’s been opened up, there are some nice treats hidden inside, and this leaf is just the first of them.

Next thing you know, a pterodactyl’ish creature shoots out of the well and starts treating people like cheesecake (Peoplecake?). Pterodactyl 1 is quickly followed by Pterodactyls 2-50 and pretty soon these paleolythic party-crashers are munching and mangling their way to a human buffet. Jake and Emma must run around and save the few humans who are left, as well as figure out a way to destroy these disastrous dinos, all while struggling with their escalating feelings for one another!

You know I was talking to Tyler the other day, who’s been keeping me updated on all the meetings he’s been taking, and one of the things he says he keeps hearing about his script is that it isn’t just that the writing’s good, it’s that he wrote a *movie*.

I loved Origin Of A Species. I thought it was an awesome script. But would I touch it as a producer? Not unless I had Sam Mendes directing and Christian Bale starring. And that’s the thing you have to remember when you’re writing. Producers are looking for MOVE-IES. They’re looking for stuff that they can actually put up onscreen that will bring people to the theater. So if you write a movie like The Disciple Program or you write a movie like Desert Demons, you’re way up the ladder as far as getting Hollywood to notice you. To that end, I liked the script’s approach. It’s the kind of thing I could see a producer wanting to make.

Having said that, there was something that never quite made it past the Ice Age with Desert Demons. I think one of the big pitfalls with this kind of script is that it can very easily turn into a bunch of people running around in circles. If the writer isn’t ON IT as far as keeping every character goal-oriented, keeping every character motivated, keeping the story objective crystal clear to the audience, then things start to unravel. And that’s sort of how I felt. I just wasn’t really clear what was happening after awhile other than chaos.

That’s what I loved about Aliens so much and why I think it’s the best script in this genre. That group always had a plan. It might have been as simple as boarding up all of the entryways so the aliens couldn’t get in. It might have been rescuing Newt. It might’ve been sending Bishop out to the remote post to get the ship to send them down another plane.

In Desert Demons, I started to lose track of what the characters were after and what was going on. It seemed like we were just running back and forth between points A, B, and C. Since our characters began to drift, so did my concentration. And I think that’s a hugely important lesson. Characters drift = we drift. If Brian and Dave were to make their objectives bigger, clearer, with higher stakes and more focused directives, I think this script would be a lot more exciting. I was just never able to lock onto any clear goal while jumping between the two teams of characters.

The story is also missing a kick-ass hero. While I admit protagonists are not as important in horror movies as some other genres, I still think you need to give us someone awesome. I was disappointed by the cliché background of Jake being involved in a military accident. I feel like that’s the easiest backstory to go with. There was a little bit of intrigue with his superior, Danny, and what happened to them back in the war. But overall nothing stood out about it, or stood out about that relationship in general.

Another thing I would’ve loved was a monster that was more original. Now I know it’s difficult to create an original-looking monster on the page. Usually that stuff is done in pre-production. But just from a writing perspective, in my head these things looked exactly like the things in Pitch Black. They were flying. They were monsters. So it just felt way too familiar.

When you combine characters who start wandering with a protagonist who’s not very original with a monster we’ve already seen before… it’s hard to get me invested, especially because this isn’t my go-to genre to begin with.

What I’m curious to see, however, is how others who LOVE this genre respond. I remember saying a lot of these same things about Attack The Block, which a lot of people loved. So I’m wondering if horror fans are going to dig this for what it is – a fun little creature feature. I mean, look, watching monsters kill people is fun. I need a little more going on than that personally but I have a feeling that this script might have satisfied the hard core genre fans. I’ll be reading the comments closely to see if that’s the case.

I know you can request a copy of Desert Demons from Brian Logan at his site. You just need to include your name, position, company and email address.

[ ] Wait for the rewrite
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Maybe it’s because Pitch Black was brought up in the pitching of the script and that’s one of my favorite sci-fi scripts ever, but the big thing Desert Demons reminded me of was how important a memorable main character is. As it stands, “Demons” didn’t have that one big character that brought the story to the next level. That’s why I liked Pitch Black so much – because of Riddick. It didn’t matter if that script would’ve happened on an alien planet or on the beaches of Hawaii, we would’ve remembered that character! It’s been about 5 days since I read Desert Demons and I barely remember anyone. That CANNOT happen. You need to have that character that’s IMPOSSIBLE TO FORGET in your story, preferably your hero. This script could’ve benefited immensely from that.

Is recent screenplay sale “The Driver” the driving movie that confused “Drive” moviegoers were desperately expecting?

So my book is finished. The problem is, editing takes a lot longer when you’re dealing with a book than when you’re dealing with a script! But we’re still on target for a late March release. I was going to make it April 1st, but I figured I’d be opening myself up to WAAAAY too many jokes, heh heh. And since I’m planning for this book to be the most helpful screenwriting book ever written, I couldn’t risk that. So late March it is! For those wondering about Twit-Pitch, we’re still working on it, but I’m thinking it could happen within the next 2-3 weeks. So finish those scripts! In the meantime, because this stuff is keeping me busy, the Tuesday guest reviews will continue. Today we have Aussie Gary Murphy taking a crack at a recent spec sale, The Driver. Enjoy!

The JFK conspiracy is back in full force with this latest Black List screenplay. But does the script bring JFK back from the dead or just shoot itself in the foot?

Genre: Thriller
Premise: A rookie cop and his old flame witness JFK gunned down from the grassy knoll on November 22, 1963. Within hours, they’re on the run from the murderers who desperately need them silenced.
About: Finished with 19 votes on the 2011 Black List. Christopher Cantwell used to write on a comedy series called “Vicariously.” Christopher Rogers is new to the screenwriting game.
Writers: Christopher Cantwell, Christopher Rogers
Details: 117 pages – Aug 5, 2011 (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).

I feel like a lot of air went out of the JFK conspiracy balloon after Oliver Stone’s film. There was that three-month period where it’s all anybody talked about and then, I don’t know, it seemed like it just wasn’t important to people after that.

You can take that two ways. The first is that the idea is bankrupt. You’re not going to get any more mileage out of a JFK conspiracy film. On the flip side you can argue that there’s reason to believe the JFK conspiracy is ripe for an update. The writing team of Christopher and Christopher would like you to choose Door #2.

Now before I get into this review, I’m going to share with you an observation. If you can nail all the technical aspects of formatting, structure and style in screenwriting, you can work in this business. Now that’s a lot easier said than done. But the thing is, all of it can be taught. You can be taught to keep your paragraphs lean. You can be taught where a first act turn and midpoint are. You can be taught to keep your scenes tight and focused. All of that is teachable. If you can plop all of that into a nifty concept, people will take notice.

But I’m not going to lie. That upsets me a little bit. Because I feel like more should be required for a screenplay to be celebrated. The Knoll is a quick exciting little thriller that nails its formatting and structure. And yet you don’t remember a thing about it after it’s over.

There’s no depth here. There’s no character development. Everything happens exactly the way you expect it to. See here’s my big problem with that – is that it’s great the script nails the fundamentals. But if that’s all it’s doing, then the reader is always aware he’s reading a screenplay. He never gets lost or pulled into the story. That’s what happened while I was reading this. I was *always* aware I was reading a script. I admired the craft in which it was written. But there was nothing extra – no X-Factor to really pull me in.

This is a consistent recent trend. I saw it in Selfless. I saw it in Flashback. I saw it in Bodies In Rest. Everything in those screenplays is technically correct. But there isn’t anything extra.

The screenplays Run All Night, Source Code and The Disciple Program are examples where the writers are giving you a thriller, but they’re also looking deeper. They’ve actually put some thought into their characters. They’ve actually challenged themselves not to make obvious choices – to take their stories in interesting directions. Run All Night for example. There’s a HISTORY between the main characters involved, leading to a much deeper and more nuanced story.

I didn’t get a whiff of that here. And with that ringing endorsement, let’s take a look at The Knoll’s plot.

The Knoll is set on that dreadful day of November 22nd, 1963. We happen upon a familiar face: Lee Harvey Oswald. He’s getting ready to gun down the president in the most famous assassination in American history.

Cut to 18 hours earlier where we meet Jim Nolan, a young cop who’s…well, a young cop (there’s really nothing more going on with him which is the reason for all my yakking above).

Jim happens upon Marina Oswald, Lee Harvey’s wife, who’s been beaten up recently. They’re trying to find Lee Harvey to get some questions answered but it turns out an FBI agent named Barstow needs Oswald for other matters.

Jim is suspicious of Barstow but there’s not much he can do about it so he leaves it alone. In the meantime, he runs into his old girlfriend, 22 year old Rebecca (Old girlfriend?? When did these two date, Jr. High?). She’s since become a journalist and is here getting documentary footage for a story. She’s not happy to see Jim but it turns out he can get her the kind of access she needs for a great shot, so she reluctantly joins him.

After setting up her shot, the president makes his fateful drive down that infamous street. A loud bang is heard followed by ANOTHER loud bang. It just so happens Rebecca has her camera trained on the grassy knoll where that second bang came from. Which means that – yes – she just recorded the notorious “second shooter” in the JFK conspiracy theory.

Jim also notices something amiss on the knoll and goes racing up there, only to be met by his old buddy Barstow, who is now calling himself a “Secret Service Agent.” Jim jumps on that. “Well which are you? FBI or Secret Service?” Before he can get a straight answer, the chaos escalates, and he’s torn in multiple directions.

Eventually Barstow learns that Rebecca has a film of him involved in the shooting. So he puts all of his immediate manpower – which isn’t that much (another problem with the script) – into chasing her down to get the film. Jim then joins up with his old sixth grade crush to help her escape.

Okay, so, here’s what I liked about the script. I liked this idea that there’s a fall guy in every operation. I actually thought the plan our bad guys executed made sense. They put Oswald up in a window taking a hopeless shot at the president so that when they killed JFK, he got blamed.

But everything else in the story was just too generic. The relationship between Jim and Rebecca, especially, had absolutely zero going for it. He’s 26 and she’s 22? Is this Spy Kids 5? These two need to be older. There at least needs to be the appearance of history, of some weight to their relationship. I kept expecting them to bust out cotton candy every time they went on the run. I don’t know. There was just no weight to these two at all.

On top of that, I never once feared for either of their lives. Barstow was definitely a meanie but he was not somebody who scared me. He never did anything clever or scary, something that would indicate this was a man worth fearing. I mean look at Samuel Gerard (Tommy Lee Jones) in The Fugitive. He’s one of the most capable antagonists I’ve ever seen in a film. You really think he’s going to catch Richard. THAT’S what made him so scary. Barstow, on the other hand, felt like a grumpy agitated old man. Again, there was no WEIGHT to his character.

If you don’t feel the weight of the protagonist and you don’t feel the weight of the villain, how can you emotionally involve yourself in the story?

I get that sometimes you have to just let go and enjoy something – especially with thrillers. I can dig that. That’s why I like Die Hard. That’s why I like The Fugitive. That’s why I like Taken. But there’s still a minimum level of depth you need to achieve in order for people to suspend their disbelief. And I don’t think that level was met here.

[ ] Wait for the rewrite
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Your style of writing is your style of writing. But just remember that too much of anything negates its effect. So in The Knoll, every other paragraph is in all capital letters or underlined. So after a while, none of it means anything anymore. The whole point of underlining or capitalizing something is to bring attention to it. How do you bring attention to something when everything else is exactly the same? I know that one of the most successful writer combos in the world does this as well (Kurtzman and Orci), but just know that it’s probably better to use a device sparingly, so that when you *do* use it, it means something.

Day 2 of The Gauntlet is here! Yesterday, we looked at a contest winning script. Today, we look at the contender!

This is the second day of “The Gauntlet.” The Gauntlet is when an amateur script takes on a pro script to the death. Yesterday’s script was the Amazon Studios Contest winner. Robert’s script, Flat Pennies, did not advance in the same competition. But that didn’t affect Robert’s belief that his script was better. And he was willing to put it up here for all of you to see to prove it. Once again, you can download the winning script here and today’s script, Flat Pennies, here. For future Gauntlet challenges, e-mail me at Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. You must take on a script that has not yet been reviewed on the site. Be sure to include the genre, title, logline and a pdf of your script. Keep in mind your script WILL be made available in the review.

Genre: I would say it’s a drama but Robert characterizes it as a “Psycho-noir.”
Premise: A troubled teen becomes the errand boy for a former train engineer living in a world of heroic fantasies and untold guilt until a revelation ends it all.
About: Robert’s script didn’t advance at Amazon. But that doesn’t mean it can’t advance in the minds of Scriptshadow Nation! Seeing the way a lot of you reacted to Origin Of A Species, it might actually be a close competition.
Writer: Robert Ward
Details: 116 pages

There are two words every screenwriter dreads: “Nothing happens.” Of course “happens” is a relative term. As long as you’re writing about a character doing something, something is “happening.” Even if he’s just reaching for a beer. So maybe the more appropriate phrase should be “Nothing interesting happens.” And in my opinion, nothing interesting happens in Flat Pennies for way too long.

Now here’s the funny thing. You could make the same argument for yesterday’s script, Origin Of A Species. We meet some people. Some dogs escape. There ain’t a whole lot going on there. So how come I liked yesterday’s script so much better than I liked this one? Read on and find out.

Flat Pennies introduces us to Alex Rutledge, a 17 year old kid, kinda hip-hoppy, drunk on whisky, yelling at some train tracks about how his life sucks. From what we can gather, Alex has been adopted and he’s pissed off that his real parents left him. He wants some answers dammit!

Across town we meet Ian Crocker, a recluse of a man who spends his days working on an elaborate model train set inside of his apartment. Ian used to be a train engineer but was injured during a massive crash, relegating him to a wheelchair. Now he collects disability and uses the money to buy new pieces for his set. But all is not well in Ian’s hermetically sealed train station. Looks like they’re cutting down his disability. Which means his train set is at a standstill.

Despite household budget cuts, Ian needs a new errand boy and guess who gets the job? That’s right, our booze-loving teenager, Alex. After a rocky start, the two begin an awkward but fulfilling friendship.

The thing is, they don’t really do much. They mainly sit around and talk about their lives. Alex, at every opportunity (and I mean EVERY opportunity), brings up how his birth parents left him. And Ian keeps going back to that damn train crash. It so bothers him that he’s plagued with strange daydreams, many of which revolve around people dying. As we choo-choo towards their final destination, it becomes evident that their meeting was not by accident, and that the two have more in common than they ever could’ve predicted (no, Ian is not his father).

I already contacted Robert and told him some of my problems with Flat Pennies and I’m going to repeat those here. The script’s biggest problem is how on-the-nose everything is. And its second biggest problem is how melodramatic everything is. Both of these things are HUGE amateur tells. So you want to avoid them at all costs.

Let’s listen to some of Alex’s dialogue in the opening scene, where he’s drunk near some train tracks, yelling to himself. “Why did you pound me into a pile of dirt!” “I’m not even worth a mosquito’s ass.” “There was no reason for what you did. No reason!” “Was I a piece of litter to throw away?” “How could you…leave me, the boy who made the papers?! I was such a good boy. Should’ve never abandoned me.”

First we have melodrama. A drunk guy crying about his life. Ehh, not good. Then we have loads of on-the-nose dialogue. Alex says no less than five times, directly to the reader, that he’s been left. This is the equivalent of lacing your screenplay with anthrax. You don’t want ANY of this stuff in your script. Ever.

And yet it continues. On page 21, Alex picks up a puppet and has a conversation with it where he asks, “Why did my parents desert me?” and the puppet replies. “Alex, you weren’t worth keeping.” Whoa.

On top of that, there’s no drama to any of the scenes (recognize the dramatize!). It’s just Alex coming over to Ian’s and the two talking about their lives, their pasts, and their feelings about one another. They don’t do anything. There’s no goal driving them forward. It’s just a continuous string of “scenes-of-death” with no conflict or purpose.

This is why I always tell you to give your characters a goal, no matter how mundane. Because if they don’t have anything to do, you won’t know what to do with them. Which leaves you writing scenes with people talking to each other even though nobody has anything to say. There are like 10 screenwriters in the world who can make a dialogue scene work with no goals or drama. And even they’d prefer to avoid them. So you gotta stay away from this situation.

Why not make Ian’s problems more urgent? His late rent is hinted at here but never takes center stage (so we don’t take it seriously). Maybe he’s got a week before he has to be out. Now he has a goal – find money or find a new place to stay.

Or, if that’s too obvious, give him something he has to focus on. Maybe his landlord just found out about his elaborate train set and considers it a fire hazard. He wants it out of the apartment within a week or Ian’s out. Now Ian has something to focus on – figure out what to do with his train set. Taking down the set also symbolizes moving past the accident.

Another issue is Ian’s daydreams. We’re not sure if they’re real, if they’re flashbacks, or if they’re made up. Because they’re so different from everything else in the script (Out no nowhere, Ian will be climbing a mountain), they never feel organic, and therefore leave us confused. Now they do pay off, but to just randomly cut to Ian climbing a mountain without cluing the reader in as to what’s going on is a bit jarring.

And this is the thing with screenplays. These kinds of things are forgivable when the script is popping. But when the pace is slowed by a lack of narrative drive, urgency, drama, or conflict, it’s much easier for the reader to get tripped up by these moments.

So this script has a lot to fix. Moving forward, I’d tell Robert to learn how to dramatize scenes (people talking about their lives is not a scene!). I’d tell him to ditch all the melodrama. I’d tell him to get rid of all the on-the-nose dialogue. And I would add some bigger character goals for both Ian and Alex. By making those changes, this script would improve drastically.

And here’s why I care. Despite how boring this script is, it actually has a great ending. Like “holy shit” level ending. I was shocked. But the problem is, nobody’s going to get to that ending because everything that precedes it is too boring. If Robert can somehow nail the first 100 pages of this script – no small feat, I know – he has a story worth telling.

[ ] Wait for the rewrite
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

GAUNTLET WINNER: ORIGIN OF A SPECIES (Who was your Gauntlet winner?)

What I learned: If you have an interesting question you’re bringing up in your story, don’t answer it right away! Keep your reader curious by drawing it out for 5, 10, 15 scenes. Here, we have a nice reveal when we see that Ian’s in a wheelchair. Alex immediately asks him what happened, and Ian launches into the story of the train crash. Noooo! Ian needs to not answer him! He needs to tell him much later in the story! Keep the reader curious!

A young up-and-coming writer takes on the Amazon Contest winner in a two-day experiment I call “The Gauntlet.”

I’m unofficially introducing a new feature here on Scriptshadow. I call it “The Gauntlet.” It’s when an amateur screenwriter believes with all of his heart that his screenplay is better than a professional’s, or in today’s case, a contest winner. Gauntlet rules are simple. Two scripts enter. One script leaves. The contest in question? Amazon (who else?). Tomorrow’s writer, Mike, took one look at Origin Of A Species, the Amazon winner, and was confident his entry was better. So today we’ll look at the winner (which you can download here) and tomorrow we’ll look at Mike’s script (which you can download here – fixed) and decide which script wins the GAUNTLET!

Genre: Drama/Thriller
Premise: An ex-cop finds himself in a precarious situation when his 3 dogs begin a killing spree across town.
About: This was the winner of Amazon Studios script contest. Matthew Gossett, the writer, took home the biggest winning contest check ever for a screenplay – $100,000. Amazon practically branded itself the “High concept” competition. It was the anti-Nicholl. They wanted to celebrate big ideas that they could turn into profitable movies. So it was a bit of a shock that one of the least commercial scripts took the top prize. Must mean they really loved it. But is that love deserved??
Writer: Matthew Gossett
Details: 111 pages – 1st draft (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).

What a great script to discuss after last week’s behemoth, The Disciple Program. That script had a goal (find out who killed his wife), stakes (hero’s life constantly at risk), and urgency (someone always on our hero’s tail). This script has…well, none of that really. Or at least, it doesn’t have it for awhile. This is such a weird story, I feel like I need a map to explain my reaction to it.

I’ll start off by paying it a weird compliment. I don’t think I’ve ever liked a script this much where nothing happened for so long. I mean no plot emerges in this script for forever. And yet it still managed to reel me in.

“Origin” introduces us to 36 year old Bonnie and 16 year old Dan. They’re out swimming in the middle of nowhere and we’re not sure what the connection between them is but we sense that their relationship isn’t on the up and up.

Afterwards we meet Jim, Bonnie’s husband, a former cop who lost his leg in the line of duty. These days, he collects disability while running a private K-9 drug-sniffing business. But he spends most of his time dealing with annoying Larry Givens, his elderly next door neighbor who insists, at every opportunity, that Jim’s fence is on his property.

We also end up learning where Bonnie and Dan met. At school! As in, she’s his teacher. So we meet all these characters, get a feel for their situations, and then the script sort of drifts out to sea for awhile. But somehow it drifts in a good way. Whenever you have a secret dominating your plot (Bonnie and Dan’s relationship), the audience subconsciously wants to stick around until that secret comes out. We want to be there when this affair gets revealed.

Finally, a plot starts kicking in. Jim’s drug dogs start acting strange. They start missing drugs they usually sniff out and they’re not as responsive as they usually are. Earlier in the script we learned of a rabies outbreak sweeping the territory. It looks like Jim’s dogs have caught it. But before anyone realizes this, the dogs escape, and that’s when everything changes.

The cops find a young boy mauled to death. Later, Jim finds his neighbor, Larry, chewed to a pulp, along with a horrifying secret inside his home. And the dogs are getting worse. They’re roaming around town, looking for anything to sink their teeth into. In the end, they’ll find our inappropriate duo of Bonnie and Dan. Will they make them their last supper? Or will Jim stop them before they do?

Holy Schnikes. This script was *different*. Like I said, there’s no true narrative to speak of here. The plot doesn’t kick in for awhile. When urgency does arrive in the story (they have to stop the dogs before they kill more people), it’s so random (rabies-infested dogs don’t target specific people) that it’s hard to worry. I mean yeah they do end up going after people we know, but it’s all by coincidence. They could’ve just as easily continued killing randoms.

So then why the hell did I like this thing? Well, let’s start with the conflict. Gossett has an amazing ability to find the conflict in every situation and exploit the shit out of it. This is so important in a script like this because there isn’t much holding the story together. So if the scenes aren’t interesting – if they aren’t conflict-filled – we’ll become bored easily. Since there’s always conflict present, however, it distracts us from the fact that there’s no story to speak of.

There’s an early scene in a scrap yard, for example, when Jim is looking for his dog (this is before the dogs have gone nuts). He all of a sudden spots the junked cop car he totaled his leg in. Spooked but intrigued, he sits down in it. That’s when he hears his dog and tries to get out. But his pants get stuck on a metal divot. So he’s trying to rip his pants away so he can get his dog before she disappears again, but he can’t. He can’t get out.

And it’s the simplest scene. A guy trying to get out of a car. And yet it’s really good because it utilizes the full gamut of GSU. Goal – get his dog. Stakes – his dog being lost. Urgency – if he doesn’t get out soon she’ll disappear. Throw in some conflict (his leg gets stuck) and you have yourself a scene. I was amazed at how much drama Gossett could milk out of these tiny little moments.

This script reminded me A LOT of When The Streetlights Go On actually. There’s just a mood and tone here that permeates throughout every page. There’s a sense of foreboding. I wouldn’t say the writing is as good as Streetlights (those writers could paint a scene like no other) but boy does Gossett know how to build tension and ambiance. I mean there’s this random insignificant scene where Bonnie has to put the dogs away and gets caught behind them in the doghouse. They’re all just looking at her. And for a brief moment, we realize that she could actually die here. It was freaky man. I guess I was just constantly amazed at how Gossett could do so much with so little.

The thing is, I can’t really argue with people who hate this script. And there seem to be many. I mean, like I pointed out, it doesn’t have any of the key ingredients that make a story go (GSU). Instead it uses less obvious story engines (suspense, curiosity, dramatic irony). But that’s what’s so impressive. Anybody who’s read a ton of scripts can tell you, coming up with a story that works without using those big engines is one of the hardest things to do. Shit, it’s hard to write a good story when you DO use GSU. So I have an immense amount of respect for any writer who’s able to pull off what Gossett did here.

On the technical side, it looks like there’s two versions of this script floating around. There’s the 8th draft and then there’s this one, the 1st draft. People who have hated the script have been mentioning the 8th draft. I’m wondering if the 8th draft is the last draft in a long attempt to turn this into a traditional narrative? I think that would be a huge mistake. The whole charm of this story is that it’s so weirdly constructed. You’re unsure of where it’s going next and if you try and structure that, the script loses that X-factor that makes it unique.

You know what I just realized this reminded me of? A Haruki Murakami novel. The narrative’s loose but there’s a lot of weird interesting shit going on to keep you engaged. So if you like Murakami, you’re definitely going to like “Origin.” If they could get “The Ice Storm” Ang Lee to direct this. Or Atom Egoyan? It could become an indie classic. Hey, I know I hated Ben Franklin. But I have to give it to Amazon. They absolutely picked the right winner. This is impressive stuff!

[ ] Wait for the rewrite
[ ] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[x] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Order of information – Be aware that the order in which you reveal information in your story has a HUGE impact on the how the reader emotionally processes it. By moving just a few scenes around, you can create a completely different reaction. In “Origin,” we start out with Bonnie and Dan. We don’t know much about these two, but we know their relationship isn’t appropriate. This rouses our curiosity. How did these two meet? How do they know each other? How did this come about? A little while later, we get a classroom scene and realize Bonnie is Dan’s teacher. Oh! That’s how they met. In class. Consider if we would’ve changed the order of these scenes. If we start with Bonnie and Dan in class first, you lose the lingering curiosity of “How did this come about?” You also start with a boring scene that means nothing to us at the time as opposed to an interesting one, which gets us thinking. I’m not saying you should never reverse the order of these scenes. There are some story situations where you want an affair between two people to be a surprise. But just make sure you’re thinking about your scene placement. You always want to order things in a way to maximize the story impact.

What I learned 2: That even the tiniest scenes can be really good with a cleverly introduced element of conflict. The “getting stuck in car” scene and the “Bonnie trapped by the dogs” scene were perfect examples of this.