Genre: Drama/Thriller
Premise: A missionary moves his family into a third world town, only to find that the locals in charge don’t want him there.
About: This is our first ever REVISITING of an Amateur Friday script! — Every Friday, I review a script from the readers of the site. If you’re interested in submitting your script for an Amateur Review, send it in PDF form, along with your title, genre, logline, and why I should read your script to Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Keep in mind your script will be posted in the review (feel free to keep your identity and script title private by providing an alias and fake title). Also, it’s a good idea to resubmit every couple of weeks so that your submission stays near the top of the pile.
Writer: Karl Larsson
Details: 109 pages

As long time readers know, Karl is one of the best commenters on the site. I don’t know if there’s anyone better at suggesting creative fixes for the scripts I review. What’s surprising is that Karl has only written one script himself – this one – which I reviewed on a previous Amateur Friday. No doubt his University Of Scriptshadow degree has helped him break down screenplays intelligently, but it’s still impressive that someone with so little screenwriting experience is this story savvy.

The consensus on the previous draft was that the writing was good but the story wandered, jumping back and forth between different times and places for no discernable reason. So Karl took our comments to heart and went back for an almost Page 1 rewrite. I thought it would be fun to see how that rewrite went.

My prediction for the rewrite was this… I knew Karl would give us a better draft. But I also assumed there’d still be problems. Screenwriting is like flying a plane. You don’t know how to get out of a tough situation until you’ve experienced it firsthand. If you’ve only written one script, you can’t possibly know your way out of every problem. Couple that with non-commercial subject matter, and I knew it would be tough. So, with that in mind, off to the review.

In this new version of Blood and Fire, just like the last version, Shane Rider is a Captain in the Salvation Army. He’s just arrived with his family in Belize, where he plans to set up a church and spread the word of God to the locals. He encounters difficulty almost immediately when he finds a local cop, Fitzroy, blocking the main road. We don’t know why, but we get the sense this guy’s not on the up and up.

We’re proven right soonafter when Fitzroy and his brother kidnap and prepare to rape a local girl. When Fitzroy leaves to take care of something, Shane catches the brother with the woman and shoots him. The woman says there was another man, and the hunt is on to find out who. Problem is the person they’re reporting this to is Fitzroy, the OTHER MAN.

In retaliation for killing his brother, Fitzroy burns down Shane’s church. Ironically, the church happened to be where his brother stashed a bunch of drug money. Naturally, the drug lord who was owed this money is not happy. So what does he do? He storms into town and takes over the school Shane’s wife teaches at. He’s going to hold everyone there hostage until Shane gets him that money (being that it was his church that the money burned up in). So Shane has to rob a bank to get the money, or potentially lose his family.

Let’s start with the good. The second half of this script is ten times better than the previous draft of Blood and Fire. Once the drug lord comes in and takes over the school, this screenplay really picks up. We are in genuine fear for Shane’s family’s life.

I also liked Fitzroy. There’s no character more fun to root against than a villainous corrupt cop. And Fitzroy plays that roll to a T. When he kidnaps Chloe, Shane’s daughter, you just wanna burn the guy at the stake.

I also liked how in this version, Shane is forced to team up with Caron, the bad guy from the previous draft. I love when characters who hate each other are forced to work together because there’s so much inherent irony and conflict in the partnering. These two should not and cannot work together and yet they have to. Loved it.

And overall the script was just more focused. That was the biggest improvement. We weren’t jumping all over the world and flashing back to places. The story was more centralized, which made a world of difference.

My big problem with Blood And Fire Part 2: The Rewrite was that the first half of the script was way too slow. There simply wasn’t enough going on. And when there was something going on – such as the early Almost Rape scene – it didn’t seem to matter enough to the story. I kept waiting for a direction to emerge and eventually one did (with the school hostage scenario) but by that time, I’d sort of given up.

Let’s start with the first scene – Shane’s family on a plane. What happens in this scene? Absolutely nothing. Zip. Zero. There’s a brief moment where Shane gets mad at his daughter for something trivial but that’s it.

Let me explain why this uneventful scene is such a problem. Your opening scene is the VERY FIRST SCENE A READER GETS TO JUDGE YOU WITH. And believe me, they’re judging you. One of the worst things you can do then is give them an opening scene where nothing interesting happens. Because what that says to them is: “This writer doesn’t know how to write an interesting opening scene. So how is he going to write an interesting movie?” That doesn’t mean start with an action scene. But it means give us SOMETHING, ANYTHING of interest, intrigue, mystery, surprise. Make us curious. Make us care. All that’s happening here is people sitting on a plane.

True, afterwards we get this scene of a Mexican Drug Lord killing a guy, but that scene didn’t work for a completely different reason, mainly that it was too cliche. Boss Drug Guy kills Lesser Drug Guy. How many times have we seen that in movies? A billion times? Our boss even has a “scarred and pocketed” (pockmarked?) face like every other really mean Mexican drug dealer. It doesn’t resonate. In Wednesday’s review of 2 Guns, we start out with a similar scene but there we have chickens buried in the dirt for target practice. We have a guy standing up to a drug lord over bad passports. The setting was familiar. But the details were different – giving the scene a unique flavor.

But let’s get back to that plane scene. You can occasionally get away with a scene like this IF you’re telling us something interesting or relevant about the characters. This scene tells me nothing about the characters other than that Shane’s daughter is a typical rebellious teenage girl. And since she plays so little into the plot anyway, that means we spend the only bit of character development in this opening scene on an irrelevant character. Nothing about the wife (who plays a much bigger role in the story) is explored at all. And really nothing about Shane is either. This is your main character! And you’re telling us nothing about him in his introductory scene!

We then get 8 character introductions in the first 2 pages. That’s 4 per page! We get something like 15-18 character introductions in the first 10 pages. If I didn’t know Karlos, and I had no connection or commitments to this script, I would’ve quit right there. You have 10 pages to hook a reader, to convince them that you have a story worth telling, and in that time you’ve given them a pointless plane scene, a cliché drug killing, a ride into town, and a family looking at their new house.

If you absolutely have to start with their arrival, this is all you need:

INT. 737 – NIGHT

Shane Rider, 43 (description – maybe a quick action to tell us something about his character) notices the approaching city out the window. He checks his watch and looks over his family, a wife and three daughters, all asleep.

END SCENE

Then a quick cut to them being greeted. Then a quick cut to them arriving at the house. Now we’re at the house by the end of the first page! A discussion between him and his wife before they go to bed – probably sneak in some exposition (why they’re here, the major conflicts they’re expected to encounter, an unresolved issue in their own relationship), and that’s it.

Then cut to them arriving at the church the next day. Introduce Fitzroy as a potential antagonist and you’re on your way. If you need to plug through some “mundane” stuff to start your screenplay – which I strongly discourage – at least do it as fast as possible to show the reader that you’re not going to waste their time.

Once the first 20 pages pass, the script picks up, but not enough. Things were happening (the almost rape, the burning of the church), but I wasn’t feeling anything. I didn’t care for some reason. And I thought long and hard about why and I came to the conclusion that I didn’t know the characters well enough.

This is going to sound contradictory to what I said above, but nobody spoke long enough for me to get to know them. Once we get the setup out of the way, somebody needs to talk about what the hell they’re doing here. But nobody says much of anything. We SEE these people adjusting to their new life, but there’s something very generic about it all. It’s a reminder that “show don’t tell” only works if those “show” moments really connect with the audience.

For example, I should’ve connected with Shane when he saved that poor girl from being raped, but afterwards he still felt like a blank slate to me, like there was nothing going on behind those eyes. I didn’t know the guy well enough. I didn’t know why he was out here. The ONLY member of the family I felt like I understood at all was Chloe because she was the only one who had a clear angle (not wanting to be here). Everybody else was so muddled in unclear motivations that they never rose above the page.

I think with a transition this big (uprooting a family and moving them to a whole new country – a dangerous country at that), the writer needs to clearly delineate why they’re here, who’s responsible, and what everybody’s feeling about the matter. The more conflict you can infuse into those opinions, the better. For example, I kept thinking this movie would work a lot better if Shane’s wife was against coming here. It’s not that she doesn’t want to help others, but maybe she thought it was important their daughters not be uprooted at such a young age. Or maybe she’s worried this place is too dangerous – which would be perfect foreshadowing for what happens later. Anything to create some tension and meat to this family. Outside of Chloe’s harmless pouting, everybody here was either too agreeable or too invisible.

I actually had some other things I wanted to get to but this review has gone on longer than I planned already. I wanted to get into the writing which I think is too mechanical. You want to keep your sentences short and to the point in a screenplay, yes. But if there’s no flavor, no flow at all, the writing starts to feel robotic and alienates the reader. The “voice” here is too mechanical. For an emotional screenplay like this, I think it needs to be warmer, more inviting.

So my big advice would be to speed up the first act here. Get into the story quicker. Then look for ways to connect us with these characters more, especially Shane. As I was coming to the end, it was hinted at that Shane had this really dark past, the way he was before he found God – and that he needed to draw upon that darkness, despite a promise to himself that he never would again, to get out of this tough situation. I LOVE THAT IDEA! But it wasn’t hit on hard enough. His past was still too vague to me. Which is consistent with how I felt about Shane in general. I just didn’t know enough about the guy.

I’ll try to share more thoughts in the comments but I want to say that despite my intense reaction, I just want Karl’s script to be as good as it can possibly be. This is definitely an improvement over the last draft. It was more focused and more contained. I just think we could focus and contain it even more. Oh, and I think you (Karl) should start a new script, whether you write it concurrently with this next draft or on its own. Even if you whip Blood and Fire into the best shape possible, the subject matter still makes it a hard sell. By writing something more commercial, you’ll have another bullet in your pocket and a better shot at breaking into this crazy industry.

Good luck! :)

Script link: Blood and Fire (rewrite)

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: How one applies notes is what separates the paper clips from the brads. Writing the story in your head is relatively easy. But being told what’s wrong with that story and being able to come up with creative solutions to those problems requires a deeper understanding of the craft. For example, if a reader tells you, “Pages 30-60 were too slow,” you need to understand why they read slow and have access to the proper tools to fix that problem.

So you might add a ticking time bomb. You might cut an insignificant subplot. You might raise the stakes. You might add suspense. You might add a mystery. There’s a lot of different way you can make something read faster but if you don’t have the tools, if you don’t know which options exist, then you’ll probably just add an action scene, figuring that will make it “faster” (note: It will not – it will just give you a pointless action scene).

So here’s the scenario. You’ve just been told you’re going to die from cancer in six months. As you sit down and consider what’s most important (family, friends, etc.) you realize that the one thing you want to do before you leave this earth is sell a screenplay. That’s been your dream. If you can pull that off, you’ll die a happy man/woman. But where do you begin? If it was easy, you would’ve done it by now, right? Well, amazing things can happen when you have a literal ticking time bomb lighting a fire under your ass. The main reason you haven’t sold a script yet is because you haven’t maximized your chances. You haven’t skewed all the odds in your favor. Remember, all you want to do is sell a script. It’s not about “art.” It’s not about “staying true to yourself.” You just want to sell a script. With that in mind, I’m going to lay out the most likely plan for achieving this goal. In other words, this is what I would do if I were you.

6 months equals 24 weeks (roughly). Let’s break those weeks down.

WEEKS 1-4 – Come up with idea, maximize story potential, outline. 

1) THE IDEA – Here is the most important choice you will make in this entire process because it’s going to MAXIMIZE YOUR READS later on. The more reads you get, the better chance you’ll have of selling your script. You need to come up with a high concept easy to understand idea that you can see 13-25 year olds racing out to the theater to see – Think big. Aliens. Time-travel. Gladiators. Car racing. Dream heists. Dinosaurs. Super-heroes. The apocalypse. Killers with masks. Big ironic comedy situations. Mythical creatures. Ghosts. Monsters. Nazis. Lower budgeted versions of these ideas will give you more potential buyers, but if you’ve got a really great high concept idea, don’t worry about the budget. — Now there are some things I want to mention here. Make sure you’re INTERESTED in the subject matter. If you’re a vampire fan, don’t write about aliens. Write about vampires. Even if we’re just writing this to sell, your love for the subject matter must come through on the page. People can smell a cash grab, which may be what this is. But if you love your cash grab idea, it’s going to read a lot better than if you don’t. Next, the idea has to be clever or unique in some way. It can’t be “Aliens land on earth and start destroying things.” We’ve seen that before. “The Days Before,” a spec that sold a couple of years ago, had aliens jumping back in time a day at a time to destroy earth. It was different. Your idea has to be different. Finally, TEST DRIVE YOUR IDEA. This will be one of the most IMPORTANT STEPS YOU’LL MAKE IN SELLING YOUR SCRIPT! Mix up your idea with ten others (find other loglines from Scriptshadow or Tracking Boards) and have your friends rank them. If your idea doesn’t consistently finish near the top, don’t write the script. Come up with another batch and start over again. I know time is ticking but I can’t stress how important this part of the process is for later.

2) CLEAR STORY – I would make sure that this is a clear easy-to-understand story. A hero with a CLEAR GOAL he DESPERATELY WANTS TO ACHIEVE. Indiana Jones going after the Ark. Marty McFly trying to get back to the future. Colter trying to find the terrorist in Source Code. Note that this doesn’t mean “dumb your story down.” I don’t think anyone would call Raiders or Back To The Future “dumbed down.” It just means not having 7 different subplots winding around a murky narrative. Hero desperately trying to achieve something and shit gets in his way. That’s the structure you want you to go with.

3) MAIN CHARACTER – I would have an interesting male main character. Remember, a big actor has to want to play the lead role. That means the role should be juicy and in the 28-45 age range. Have some conflict going on inside of them. Neo doesn’t believe in himself. Denzel in The Book Of Eli (a big spec sale from a first timer) is afraid to get close to others. Make sure there’s something – it doesn’t have to be game-changing – but SOMETHING the main character is battling. Because one of the first questions the producers will ask is, “Who can I cast in this role?”

4) KEEP IT EXCITING – Make sure something interesting and/or unexpected happens every 15 pages or so. 110 pages is a lot of white space and watching one character try to do the same thing for 2 straight hours is boring. So unexpected things need to happen along the way to mix it up. Have your main character die (Source Code), get caught by the Germans (Indiana Jones) or get to his destination only to realize it’s no longer there (Star Wars). If something interesting or unexpected or surprising or stake-raising doesn’t happen every 15 pages or so, your script is probably getting boring.

5) OUTLINE – Outlining saves you rewrite time later. All of the things I listed above (clear goal, interesting main character, something happens every 15 pages), you’ll only be able to do because you’ve outlined. Get yourself a good 3-10 pages to work with and make sure all the major story beats are covered. It’s okay if you don’t have all the details figured out. As long as you know where you’re heading, you’ll be fine. No outline and no direction will equal a wandering storyline. We can’t afford that if we’re going to sell this puppy.

Weeks 5-10 – Write The Script

6) WRITE – I would write at least 8 hours a day. But because you’re dying, you should probably write even more. Also, because you’re dying, you’re not allowed those excuses you usually use. “Oh, I’m not feeling it. I’m going to take the rest of the day off.” Or, “Maybe I should go watch a movie to get some inspiration.” You’re dying. Every second is valuable. You have to WRITE. And you know what? It shouldn’t be hard. You’ve already outlined. So you know where your script is going. If you run into a tough scene, switch over to a later scene. Doesn’t matter if this isn’t the way you usually write. YOU’RE DYING. You need to maximize your time. ABW. Always be writing!

Weeks 11-15 – Feedback and Rewrite

7) FEEDBACK – Afterwards, give it to a few friends/family. Now this is important. You need to convince your friends/family to be honest. A pat on the back does nothing for you. You need them to mean, cruel, heartless. Get them to tell you what works and what doesn’t work. They’re your friends and your family so they’re always going to be too nice, but I’ve found that if you ask them pointed questions, their true feelings start to come out. You’ll hear frustration, indifference, disbelief, impatience. So keep track of when those reactions come up and star those parts of the script as problem areas.

8) REWRITE – I would love to have more than a month for my rewrite but time is running out man! The good news is we picked a clean narrative (a main character with a goal he desperately wants to achieve) so the fixes shouldn’t be too complicated. Isolate the big problems in the script. Come up with solutions. Start the rewriting. After you’re finished, polish it up and make it as easy to read as possible. No long paragraphs. An easy succinct style.

9) PROOFREAD – You may only have 3 months to live, but you’re not stupid. You’re not going to go all this way only to get your script rejected because of too many typos in the first ten pages. I don’t care how much blood you’re coughing up. Make that script as clean as a whistle.

Weeks 16 – 24 – Sell it

10) RESEARCH – This is the place where most writers fail. They have their script but no place to go with it. That’s why I’ve given you 8 weeks for this section. This is going to take some effort on your part and probably require you to do things you’re not comfortable doing. Well suck it up Sally. You only have two months to live. If you can’t face your fears now, when can you? To ease you into this tumultuous section, I’ll start with something simple. RESEARCH! Subscribe to IMDBPro (don’t sweat the 20 bucks, you can’t take money to the afterlife) and write down the producers names/companies who worked on every movie that’s ever been like yours in the last 10 years. Do the same with the Black List. Do the same with any spec sale that hasn’t been made yet. Find the producers who bought/worked on those movies and write down their phone numbers (IMDBPro has most phone numbers. Savvy googling should find you the rest). Your list should have somewhere between 100-300 names.

11) CONNECTIONS – Okay, we’re almost in the arena – where you’re going to fight to the death. It’s going to be unpleasant. So here’s one last area to prepare you. You need to call every single person you know and ask them if they know anyone in Hollywood who will read your script. Depending on where you live, this might be 3 people. It might be 20. And chances are, they won’t be Spielberg or Cameron. But they’ll be working in the industry. And if they like your script, they just might know someone else to pass it on to. So call these people up. Be excited. Thankful. Chatty. Don’t bring up your chemo treatments. Say that you’d love the opinion of someone who works in the business. Would they read your script? They’ll probably all say yes which will put you in the perfect mindset for the most difficult part of this entire process. So pump yourself up. It’s time to start calling all those numbers you researched.

12) COLD CALLING – Cold calling sucks. But guess what? You’re dying. Cold calling can’t be worse than that can it? You’re going to go directly to the producers here. You don’t have time to wait for agents. Now, pay attention, because cold calling is an art. You’re going to call these people and be upbeat, nice, cordial, energetic (but not TOO energetic) and professional. You’ll get the secretary, who will probably sound impatient, but don’t let that phase you. You have 199 other people to call if she stonewalls you. But she won’t. Because you’re going to keep this simple. You’ll say something to the effect of, “Hi, this is Jane Smith. Is Mr. Adams (the producer) in?” “May I ask what this is in regards to?” she’ll probably ask. “Yes, it’s about my script Act of Vengeance.” Depending on the status of the producer, you may or may not get through to them. A quick detail to remember. There’s a ton of turnover in these secretary jobs so this person is probably just as new to this as you. DO NOT BE INTIMIDATED.

13) PRODUCER CONVERSATION – I hope you don’t mind lying, because you’re about to. This is what you’ll say: “Mr. Adams. Hi, this is Jane Smith. You read one of my scripts awhile back and I have a new one I’d love to send over.” Now you may be afraid of getting caught in this lie. Don’t. Producers receive a TON of material. An endless amount. They can barely remember what they read last week, much less something they read two years ago. And they don’t read most of the scripts anyway. So there’s no way they can prove that you’re lying. If they press you, be vague. “Where do we know each other from?” “Oh we haven’t formally met but I sent my other script to your assistant a couple of years back.” If everything works out, he’ll say, “Sure, send it over.” But, he might say, “Yeah, have your agent send it over.” Don’t freak out. An important thing to know is that there are a lot of solid writers out there without representation or “between” representation. So just say, “Oh, I’m not represented at the moment. Is it okay if I get a release form from your assistant?” He might say yes, he might say no. But you should probably hit with at LEAST 30% of these calls. So if you call 200 producers – that’s 60 PEOPLE READING YOUR SCRIPT! And not just any people – but targeted people who make your kind of movie.

14) IF YOU’RE NOT A LIAR – Now if you don’t like lying (wimp), here’s an alternative approach. You’ll say: “Mr. Adams. Hi, this is Jane Smith. I just finished a script that I know your company will love. Can I send it over?” Don’t let any awkward pauses derail you. After collecting himself, he might say something like, “Have we met before?” Just reply, “No, not personally. But I know how much you love these kinds of movies and I really think you’ll like this. It’s about [recite your logline.]” And THIS is where all that hard work you did at the beginning will pay off. Had you gone with your passion project idea (a wheat farmer who’s been a victim of domestic abuse goes on a spiritual journey through Peru), you’d get hung up on. But because you test drove and went with an intriguing high concept idea, the first thing that will go through that producer’s mind is, “Hmmm, that actually sounds like it could be a movie.” “Sure, send it over,” he’ll say. If he says he can’t accept unsolicited material, ask if you can sign a release form. If he still says no, thank him for his time and hang up. Then, either right then or later, call back and talk to the secretary. Tell her it didn’t sound like Mr. Adams had time to read your script, but is there any way she could read it? Remember, these secretaries are desperate to move up. If they bring their boss an awesome surefire 300 million dollar box office hit, they’re set for life. Tell them you’ll be happy to sign a release form. They might say no but don’t sweat it if they do. Just go on to the next person.

15) STAY ON IT – Keep working the phones. Call people back. Remind people to read your script. 2 weeks is the industry standard for you to politely check in and ask if they’ve read your script yet. I didn’t realize how important this was until I started getting submissions myself. Even when I like an idea, I sometimes get bombarded with work and simply forget about it. A number of Amateur Friday reviews came directly from people reminding me about their screenplay. Keep doing this. Stay on top of it. You can’t get a yes unless they read it so you’ll have to remind them until they do. Even if that reminder is from your death bed!

16) CELEBRATE – You wrote something fun and marketable. The plot was clear. The story had enough twists and turns to keep the reader interested. The main character was perfect for a movie star. And you got it to enough people that it finally found someone who fell in love with it. You did it. You sold a screenplay. Now go party your ass off before you kick the bucket.

If I had no Hollywood connections whatsoever, this is the path I’d take without question. Now all you have to do is convince yourself you’re going to die in six months and write your script. Just make sure to send me 10% when you sell it.

Genre: Action
Premise: An undercover DEA agent and an undercover Naval officer, both unaware of each other’s status, decide to rob a bank, each for their own reasons, only to simultaneously double-cross each other afterwards, which ironically results in them having to work together to clean up the mess they created .
About: The writer, Blake Masters, is the creator of the TV show “Brotherhood.” He also developed “Law And Order: LA.” “2 Guns” is being adapted from a graphic novel. It will star Mark Wahlberg as one of the “guns,” but there is no word yet on who would play the other. There were rumors that Vince Vaughn might be interested, but I believe that was back when a different director was attached.
Writer: Blake Masters
Details: 117 pages – 9/17/09 draft (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).

Don’t get me wrong about last week. Foxcatcher and Silver Linings Playbook were great. But they dealt with some serious ass subject matter. After topping them off with that abysmal monstrosity of a screenplay about the most boring serial killer in the world, I was on Serious Overload. I needed to take the Tickle Train back to Fun City. I needed some smiles dammit! Evidence gave me some. The Trade murdered them. Was 2 Guns a shot at rebirth?

So we have Bobby and we have Stig. Bobby’s the clever one, the guy who can talk his way out of anything. Stig’s talents lie solely in his shooting ability. He isn’t the kind of guy you want talking to anybody. Bobby clears this up when Stig expresses interest in helping Bobby negotiate a deal: “Stig, you and I are here to do business. Diplomatically. If closing this deal involved shooting the wings off a fly while driving on two wheels through a ring of fire, I’d be the one getting something to eat.” The two hustlers have worked together for months, and are on the cusp of their biggest deal yet – securing hundreds of fake passports from a dude named Papi, who I admit I just imagined as “Tuco” from Breaking Bad. If you don’t know who Tuco is, just imagine the scariest motherfucking Mexican drug lord possible.

The deal goes sour but our guys manage to get away and it actually turns out to be a blessing in disguise because when they’re crossing back into the US, their car gets raided by a very confused DEA team, who was sure they’d find a bunch of fake passports. Afterwards, Stig suspects Bobby may have had something to do with the raid (could Bobby be a DEA agent?), and the two break up.

During that time, we learn that Stig’s not Oliver Honest either, as he’s actually an officer in the Navy. Is anybody telling the truth here? After a series of events too complicated to explain, Bobby gets kicked out of the agency and the only way he can prove his innocence is if he robs a bank. I swear that makes sense within the context of the movie. I think. Actually that’s a lie. I’m not sure it makes sense at all. But anyway, Bobby eventually convinces Stig to team up with him to rob the bank.

Unfortunately, whereas they thought they were robbing 2 million dollars, they find out it’s more like 80 million dollars. Somebody lied about the loot! That’s only the beginning of their problems because when you rob somebody of 80 million dollars, that person tends to wanna find you. And the person in question is a mega-time drug dealer from South of the border who makes Papi (aka “Tuco”) look like a 2-bit homeless man trying to pass oregano off as weed. Now you may be asking, “How did they steal money from ‘someone’ if they were stealing from a bank?” Good question. I’m not clear on that either.

Eventually they learn that all of this money is tied back to the CIA…umm…somehow. Which means they’ll probably be coming after Bobby and Stig too. That means they have the DEA, the Navy, the biggest drug dealer in Mexico, and the CIA all coming after them. Only way to clear this up? Break into the central Naval base and obtain…errr… evidence that they’re innocent. To…umm…prove their innocence? I think?

We sure talk a lot about stuff that’s underplotted – about thin stories.  But it’s rare that we run into a script that’s overplotted – that has TOO much going on. I think all those years on Brotherhood and Law And Order may have convinced Masters that he had to jam a season’s worth of twists and turns into a single film. At one point it seemed like every other page had a twist.

All you have to do is read my synopsis to see it. I was never exactly sure what was going on. And when the reader doesn’t know why a character is doing something (isn’t clear on their MOTIVATION), it’s hard to emotionally invest yourself in that character’s plight. If motivations are unclear, by association so are stakes. It’s hard to grasp the consequence of someone’s actions if you don’t know why they’re doing the action in the first place.

Let me give you a prime example from the script. Once Bobby screwed over Papi, Papi stuffed 100,000 dollars in his bank account to make it look like Bobby was on the take so he’d get fired from the DEA. Bobby was fired, but knew that Papi had 2 million dollars in a local bank. He figured he’d steal that money to prove Papi had it, which would allow the DEA to nail Papi for tax evasion, which would in turn…prove that Bobby wasn’t on the take? Does that make sense to you? Even if it does, it sure is a lot of dots to connect.

That’s how I felt weeding through this one. I had to connect a hell of a lot of dots to keep up. And after awhile, my brain just checked out.

So then why did I still enjoy 2 Guns? Because the two main characters worked. There’s a great opening scene where they’re trying to get these passports from Papi, and Stig is over in the corner watching these henchmen shooting at live chickens who they’ve buried up to their heads. Stig is pissed that they’re hurting these defenseless animals (Characters who stick up for defenseless animals = likable) and lets them know it. Then there’s Bobby, who’s handed a bunch of crap passports by Papi, who then tells him that there’s no way he’s accepting these pieces of shit passports (Characters who stick up to bullies = likable). So we immediately like these two.

Also, there’s this ongoing gag where Stig is always trying to order Bobby pancakes whenever they eat. But Bobby hates pancakes. So Stig will order him pancakes and Bobby will have to run down the waitress and cancel the order. And Stig will ask him, “How can you not like pancakes? Everybody loves pancakes.” Which inflames Bobby even more. And you just get the sense that this relationship is REAL, that these two have a past. Whenever you allude to an issue between characters that’s been going on since before the movie started, it gives the audience the illusion that these two imaginary people have a real history together. Which makes them more real!

So this was a weird read. On the one hand, the plot was impossible to keep up with. On the other, the characters were funny and likable. I could probably go either way, but since I can see this pairing easily working on screen, I’m going to give it a “worth the read.”

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Limit the dots! I’m a big believer in motivation simplicity. The less dots we have to connect, the easier it is to understand why our hero is doing what he’s doing. Now sometimes the genre you’re writing in requires a lot of twists and turns – I get that – but they should never come at the expense of understanding the story. Breaking Bad has tons of twists. But I always know exactly why the hero is doing what he’s doing – he needs money to pay for his cancer treatments (I’m only on Season 2 – not sure if this will change later).

Genre: Comedy?
Premise: Based on a true story, The Trade documents a pair of pitchers on the 1970 Yankees who traded their wives.
About: This script landed high on the 2009 Black List, was purchased by Warner Brothers, and quickly got mega baseball fans Matt Damon and Ben Affleck interested. It’s written by Dave Mandel, who’s known mainly for a stellar TV career. He helped write tons of Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm episodes. He also wrote the huge spec sale “Eurotrip,” and most recently scripted the upcoming Sacha Baren Cohen vehicle, The Dictator.
Writer: Dave Mandel
Details: 125 pages – undated (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).

Let me start out by saying I’m a huge Dave Mandel fan. Eurotrip is a hidden gem of a comedy (“Scotty Doesn’t Know!!!”) and he helped write some of the best Seinfeld episodes ever (The Secret Code, The Wig Master, The Soup Nazi). He also co-wrote two of this season’s instant Curb Your Enthusiasm classics, “Palestenian Chicken” and “Larry Vs. Michael J. Fox.” So this guy has had me in stitches since the 90s.

Which is why this script confuses me so.

It’s never a good sign reading a comedy and you’re not sure if it’s a comedy. For the first 30 pages, I thought this might have been a light drama. And to be honest, I’m still not sure. The tone vacillates so wildly that I gave up trying to categorize it. I guess I’d call it a light comedy sorta drama?

The Trade is actually based on the real life story of 1970s Yankee pitchers Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich. Fritz is an overachieving underappreciated lefty playing on a lousy Yankees team. He’s married to his overly bossy wife, Marilyn, who’s turned him into a big pussy.

Then Mike, another pitcher (tagged “the next Sandy Koufax”) arrives on the team and everything changes for Fritz. Mike is free-spirited and weird and could care less about his own wife, Susanne. The two married in high school and as far as he’s concerned, he’s still living the high school life – not a care or responsibility in the world.

Mike quickly ropes Fritz into his partying ways, and the next thing you know Fritz is bedding ladies left and right. But that’s nothing compared to what happens next. When the men start double dating, it’s clear they get along a LOT better with each other’s wives than their own. One thing leads to another and soon they’re……well, they’re dating each other’s wives!

If only that were the end of it. Each man then FALLS IN LOVE with the other’s wife and they realize that the only proper thing to do is to SWITCH LIVES. So Mike moves in with Marilyn and Fritz moves in with Susanne. They even switch KIDS!

Unfortunately (or fortunately), after awhile, Mike starts freaking out about Marilyn’s controlling ways. He can’t handle it anymore. The problem is, Fritz and Susanne have fallen deeply in love. So Mike wants to trade back but Fritz doesn’t. News of this scandal soon leaks to the media, and the next thing you know all of New York is talking about it. The guys will have to resolve the conflict themselves or the Yankees will resolve it for them.

Okay, let’s be real here. The only thing that works about “The Trade” is the title. It’s clever. It’s perfect for a poster. It works.

Everything else?

I don’t know where to begin with this one. This is a 5 minute conversation piece stretched out to 120 minutes. There just isn’t ANY meat to this story.

My biggest issue with The Trade are the stakes. There are NO stakes here. None. Zip. Zero. If you don’t have stakes, you don’t have comedy.

What do I mean by that? Well, in The Trade, neither character has a problem with their wife being with the other man. So there are no stakes there. Also, it doesn’t really matter whether they get caught. I suppose they’d have some explaining to do. But it’s not like they lose their job. It’s not like either of them loses their livliehoods. They simply get made fun for a couple of weeks. Big freaking deal. They’ll get over it.

In the end, the scandal does, in fact, get them traded. But never once is the possibility of that threat conveyed DURING the screenplay – only after the fact. You never get the feeling that if they get caught, something bad will happen. So there’s NOTHING there. The situations are the same over and over again and because we know the trade isn’t going to hurt anybody, there’s nothing to lose. And if there’s nothing to lose, there’s no humor.

Look at the simplicity of Mandel’s “The Soup Nazi” Seinfeld episode. He establishes at the beginning that this soup is like CRACK to the characters. The characters will do ANYTHING for this soup. To lose (stakes) this soup would be the equivalent of dying. THAT’S why the scenes are so funny! When the Soup Nazi screams at them to move, they do it! Because they know if they screw up, they could be kicked out and never allowed to have their soup again. Something is at stake! We never have a scene in The Trade where anything important can be lost (minus the very end – which I’ll get into in a moment).

Another issue here is that the current standard for media scandals is about 1 million times worse than 1970. We have R. Kelly peeing on underage women. We have history’s best golfer – one with a squeaky clean family image no less – having sex with an endless number of hookers. We have celebrities popping out sex tapes weekly. Two guys on a baseball team playing wife swap just doesn’t seem like a big deal.

When you combine this with an unclear tone and unclear writing, it’s hard to find anything to grab onto. For example, there’s a moment where we find out Marilyn wears a wig. When it’s off, her hair is described as thin and disgusting. So I’m imagining a Cryptkeeper look. Then later in the script, she decides to go to a party without her wig and all the guys go gaga over her. Umm….what??? You’re telling me that women rocking the Cryptkeeper is attractive??? There were a lot of unclear moments like this in the screenplay.

On top of all this, there’s no goal! There’s nothing driving the story forward! And there’s no time-frame, no urgency. I admit there are instances where you can get away with only the G and U in GSU, or the S and the G, and in the rarest of circumstances, just one of the three. At least if you have a GOAL for your characters, your characters will be active. But to try and write a story where you have none??? Not a single one? It’s like a blind man going bird-hunting. I don’t know how you make it work.

Can The Trade be salvaged? I don’t know. But I know the first thing I’d do on the rewrite is make this trade MATTER. Make sure there’s danger present and that the audience UNDERSTANDS that danger. In other words, make it clear that if they get caught, their lives would be destroyed, uprooted, ruined. Make playing for the Yankees a bigger deal for both of them as well – a dream! Now they have SOMETHING TO LOSE if they’re discovered. Raise the stakes of this movie and the movie improves dramatically. From there, try to add some sort of goal (maybe one of the players is trying to meet a huge contract bonus? And that bonus is threatened by the problems this trade is causing?). I don’t know. But something. ANYTHING.

I’ll admit that when I heard about this script, I thought to myself, “How do you make an entire movie out of such a thin premise?” But it was a Black List script so I assumed they’d figured it out. Man, I was wrong. I would love to see Matt and Ben back onscreen together again talking about “cahs” and “bahs.” But they’ll have to gut this thing and figure out a new angle first.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: The only portion of this script that works is the last 25 pages. Why? Because SOMETHING IS FINALLY AT STAKE! Fritz and Susanne have fallen in love. We FEEL that love. We know they want to be together. So when the media crashes down on them and Mike wants his wife back, we actually feel someone’s pain – Susanne – because SOMETHING IS AT STAKE. Somebody in the script ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT SOMETHING and that something could be ripped away from them. This is how powerful stakes are in a script. Show that somebody wants something badly and then introduce the possibility of that thing being taken away from them. Whether it be love, a job, or soup. As long as you have stakes, you’ll have drama.

Genre: Contained Thriller/Found Footage
Premise: A group of detectives try to piece together a mass murder on a Vegas shuttle van via the video taken from the passengers.
About: Evidence sold as a naked spec (no attachments – hardest type of spec to sell) earlier this year for low six figures I believe. John Swetnam, the writer, is on Twitter and has tweeted his frustration over selling TWO specs now (he just sold Category 6 – another found footage script) and still having to live on a budget. That said, he apparently likes to burn both ends of the candle, flying into various cities and partying his ass off until the sun comes up. We definitely need more partying writers so do yo thang John.
Writer: John Swetnam
Details: 93 pages – undated (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).

Changed today’s review at the last second! I was getting sick of the heavy stuff. Needed something light and fluffy.

Late last year a writer asked me, “Should I write a found footage script? Or is that trend over?” I thought for a long time and finally answered, “You know, I think the found footage thing is about dead.” Turns out I was wrong. We had that silly Apollo 24 found footage film. We have that found footage film coming out about kids with superpowers. We’re already on a third Paranormal Activity film. Evidence sold earlier in the year. Swetnam sold “Category 6” (about dudes going into crazy storms) a few weeks ago. I’m starting to wonder if found footage films are like rap. Everybody kept calling rap a trend in the 80s, yet it just kept on going, like the Energizer bunny. Could found footage films become a legitimate genre? I’m done trying to be Nostradamus so I’ll let you guys decide.

We’re in the middle of the Nevada desert – a shuttle van smoldering at the side of the road with a huge hole in the side. Up ahead, an abandoned gas station has been blown to bits. There are bodies and pieces of bodies everywhere.

Nevada cops are pissed. No precinct likes mass murders on their watch. But luckily, they have a couple of survivors and a lot of video. One of the survivors, Rachel, a 20-something aspiring director, taped most of the ordeal with a handicam. There are also a couple of cell phone videos and a flip phone from the other passengers. It’s not every day that video of a crime lands in the authorities hands so they might actually be able to solve this quickly. The question is. Will they solve it correctly?

Rachel’s going on this Vegas trip with her best friend, actress Lean Hoodplatt. Despite having a weird last name, she’s gorgeous and talented and ready to take Hollywood by storm. But she’s having a tough time in her personal life, having recently rejected her boyfriend, Tyler’s, proposal. She’s convinced him to come on the Vegas trip, though, in hopes of patching things up.

There’s also 18 year old Steven, a goth-ish loner who’s using Vegas to escape his controlling mom. There’s Vicki, a single mother who wants to upgrade her stripping career. There’s Bitter Ben, the bus driver. And finally there’s the mysterious “Old Woman,” a sloppily dressed 50-something who’s running away from something. We just don’t know what yet.

As the primary video is from director Rachel, the first bits show her and Leann preparing for the trip. We then jump to the van, which somewhere between LA and Vegas blows a tire. Luckily, there’s an abandoned gas station up the road where they can hang out until someone finds them. But upon getting there, PEOPLE START DYING!

Evidence actually cuts back and forth between the footage and the Forensics Technology Room where the detectives try to weave this complicated puzzle together. Like any good whodunit, the prime suspects keep changing. At first we think it’s creepy 50 year old woman – cause the world is racist against the oldies, you know? Then we learneth that she has some mentally fucked up estranged husband, and that HE might have been waiting for them at the gas station – although I don’t know how the duo knew exactly where the van would blow a tire. But that’s neither here nor there.

What is here AND there is somebody in a coat and a soldering mask, which means even when they do get the killer on tape, they don’t know who it is. Although at least one thing is clear. The killer is one of the people on the bus. Who is it? Why are they killing everyone? You’ll have to read until the shocking twist ending to find out.

Evidence is like a walk on the first day of spring. The sun’s out. The air is brisk. There’s a nice breeze. But it’s still a walk. You’re still just…you know…walking. So it’s not THAT exciting. That said, you’re glad you did it.

The other day I railed on Black because I didn’t know ANYTHING about the characters. Nothing. And since I didn’t know anything, I didn’t care what the hell happened to them. Some commenters pointed out that people don’t go to horror movies for character development. That I agree with. But they do often LEAVE horror movies disappointed and don’t know why. The reason why is almost always because the characters sucked, so they didn’t care what happened to them.

Evidence gives us the PERFECT amount of character development for a movie like this. You don’t have time to get too in depth. Too much backstory can get in the way of a fast-paced horror film. But there’s still SOMETHING.

I know that Rachel wants to be a movie director. I know Leann wants to be an actress. I know there’s some recent drama between Leann and her boyfriend. I know that the stripper lost custody of her child. I know that Steven, the goth dude, had a falling out with his mother. None of it is too weighty or original. BUT IT’S THERE. It makes these characters more than names on a page. So I cared a lot more about these people than I did about Zombie Panda and the Panderettes.

One thing I’ve noticed with found footage is that it allows you to jump around a lot more freely than normal films and therefore keep the story moving at a breakneck pace. Wanna skip over a boring part of a conversation? Just pretend like the characters didn’t record that part. Movies are formatted to skip over the dumb parts as it is. But the found footage angle allows you to take this practice to the extreme. It’s the perfect device for our patience-challenged culture.

And you might not have noticed this. But the found footage angle actually allowed Swetnam to pull the “Crazy first scene than CUT TO ONE DAY EARLIER” device without it being annoying! Chances are you didn’t even notice it! That’s because it was an organic result of using the video tapes. Going backwards was a natural part of the way things were set up. A good reminder that annoying story devices aren’t annoying if they’re organic to the story.

But the most important triumph of this script is it really keeps you guessing. I’d already been told there was a twist ending. Yet still, I had no idea who the killer was. As each page went by, I only found myself more confused. “Well it can’t be THAT guy” I’d say, even though I’d been positive it WAS that guy. That happened like three times.

Does the script have problems? Well, there’s no doubt it feels “light.” Now that’s the kind of movie it is. It’s not trying to change the world or anything. But still, even with the character development, I felt Evidence leaving my brain almost immediately after it was over.

And I’m still trying to figure out which route this moron Shuttle driver took. I’ve driven that LA to Vegas route a few times and I have no idea how you’d get on an abandoned road in the middle of nowhere. There’s an interstate that goes directly from one city to the other. Maybe I missed something and they got off the main road for some reason, but if not, that definitely needs to be figured out.

Evidence was fun. A bag full of candy on a rainy day. Should make a good return investment for whoever makes it.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: This is a good example of writing for the market. Being aware of what audiences want, what studios are looking for, and giving them that. I don’t think enough writers approach it this way. Amateur Friday writer Adam Zopf made a great point in the comments section of his review – You don’t have to change the world with your script. In fact, if you’re trying to change the world with your script, there’s a good chance you’re writing a really boring script. Come up with a marketable idea, create some characters that you personally connect with to give it some depth, and then write the best damn script you can. I see too many good writers wallowing in obscurity because they’re trying to write the next Academy Award winning film. Save that stuff for when you’re established. Right now, write something that’s going to get people excited and break you in.

Note to readers: Guys, I know it’s difficult to discuss this script without discussing the ending, but I’m going to ask you to refrain from spoiling the ending. Most writers are fine with me reviewing scripts but get upset when a big twist is spoiled.Thank you.  :)