Genre: Thriller/Drama
Premise: A man inherits a huge piece of land in Montana only to learn that it comes with an enormous price: a longstanding blood feud with the neighbors.
About: This is a 2011 Blood List script that will go into production later this year. Adam Wingard will direct (Pop Skull, A Horrible Way To Die). This is what he had to say after reading the script: “I was instantly attracted to the authentic 70’s style grittiness and the Terrence Malick/Sam Peckinpah feel of the script. It’s got this sweeping scope that takes you in, lifting you up as it explores the beauty and mystery of nature, and then tears it all apart with sheer brutality and violence.”
Writers: Alex and Max Schenker
Details: 102 pages – August 1, 2011 draft (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).
I don’t know what I was expecting when I picked this one up, but it definitely wasn’t what I got. Punchbowl’s about a young man named Dylan Massey, a 24 year old slaughterhouse grunt who’s probably going to be killing cows for the rest of his life. The only light in his life is Savannah King – the beautiful woman who puts up with him. Dylan knows that Savannah’s too good for him. And he knows that the second she realizes it, she’s out the door. Which is why he wants to provide a better life for her. Unfortunately, there aren’t many opportunities for a better life in rural West Texas.
And then Dylan wins the lottery, in a manner of speaking. Dylan’s grandfather just died and in the will left him a 4500 acre estate in Montana. People don’t have 4500 acre estates anymore. That’s like owning your own country. So at first Dylan is skeptical, but is corralled into driving up there by Savannah, his best friend Garrett, and Garret’s girlfriend Isabella.
The place is GORGEOUS. It’s like what the pioneers must have seen when they first travelled across America. And it’s all Dylan’s. He immediately asks Garrett to move up and work with him. They’ll be millionaires, living the life they always dreamed of. The girls are just as excited. It’s all like a dream come true.
Heh heh heh. Or so they think.
Our group gets the first hint that something’s wrong when they head into town. Everybody there is just NOT friendly. Lots of glaring. Lots of avoiding. They eventually run into the Sheriff, who tells them what’s up. There’s been a generations-old feud going on between the Masseys and their neighbors, the Shores. Dozens of Masseys and dozen Shores have been killed over the years. And word on the street is that Dylan’s next.
It’s not surprising then that they get home to see the words “Go away” on their front porch written in pig blood. Everybody’s freaking out, wondering if they should leave. But you don’t voluntarily wake up from a dream. You sleep for as long as you can.
So Dylan gets this crazy idea that he’s going to end the feud. He saunters over to Fallon Shore’s place, the most evil man you can imagine, and says he wants to talk. He’ll agree to give Fallon a few hundred acres if he ends the feud. Fallon wants to know if the acres include a water stream (known as “The Devil’s Punchbowl” because of how much blood has been shed over it). Dylan says “no” and Fallon says he’s sorry, but that means the feud is on. And boy is it ever. That night, these men are going to give a whole new meaning to the word “Hell.”
Man, this was a weird one. It was weird good for the most part, but for everything the Schenker brothers did right, they seemed to drop the ball on something else. The biggest issue with the screenplay for me was how abruptly it ended. So much time is put into the setup here that when we finally got to the actual feud, there were only 30 pages left, and that wasn’t NEARLY enough to tell the story. This is the kind of story that needs time to breath, and it would’ve had that time had it gotten to its story sooner.
This is why you always hear the advice: “Move your story along quickly.” Especially the setup. And especially in a movie like this where the central plot is 1500 miles from where the story begins. We needed to get to Montana sooner, establish the danger sooner, and then we could’ve worked our way through a few escalating skirmishes before we got to the big battle. As it stood, all we had was the big battle, which was sort of like being fed the main course without the drinks, bread, and salad. I kept thinking, “But we don’t even know the Shores yet. We’ve had like, two scenes with them. I’m not ready for a final confrontation.”
Another misguided choice was giving Dylan and Isabella (Garret’s girlfriend) a secret romance. Sometimes we can get so obsessed with adding conflict, that we add it even when the script doesn’t need it. Sure, a Dylan and Isabella affair created conflict and some dramatic irony, but it ultimately had nothing to do with the plot. It was only there to be there. And since the conflict between the families was SO intense, adding a silly affair plot almost seemed annoying, like something we have to put up with in order to get to the good stuff. I’m not saying to never add conflict between the group in movies like this, but if you force it, we’re going to notice, and that’ll kill our suspension of disbelief.
On the plus side there’s something very authentic about the details in this script. I FELT like I was in Texas. I FELT like I was in Montana. I felt like these characters were real people. And on top of that, these brothers can write. There were some great moments in Punchbowl. There’s a creepy scene where a townie approaches Savannah at the grocery store, starts massaging her pregnant belly, and asks her what it’s like to have the devil inside of her (a Massey). There’s also a great dinner scene where Dylan invites the Shores over for a truce talk that is just laced with tension. That’s when Punch Bowl was at its best. That’s where this script really shined.
And boy is Fallon a GREAT bad guy. You work so hard to create memorable villains in your screenplays yet so many of them come off as sloppy copycats of much better villains of past films. Fallon is just a nasty man. But more importantly, you believe in him. And you hate him. And you want to see him go down. If you can create a villain that gets to the audience THAT much, you’ve taken care of 60% of your movie. Just that NEED to see him burn, to breathe his last breath, can power an audience’s interest.
But ultimately this script is a mixed bag. It alienates you at the same time that it pulls you in. For example, there was all this senseless animal violence. And the feud itself was too vague. I mean we’re told that the town is split in its support for the families. But we never meet anybody who supports the Masseys. And then of course, there’s this sudden ending, where it feels like someone accidentally skipped 15 chapters on the DVD and threw us into the final climax. I wanted to see more of a build up there. I wanted to see more conflict between the families. Besides all that though, this is too interesting not to recommend.
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Whenever you have a story that has your hero(es) moving to a new town, you want to get to that town as SOON as possible. That’s because in addition to setting up your character’s CURRENT life, you’re going to have to set up their NEW life (and their new town). That’s two consecutive setup sequences, which is a lot of screenplay real estate. This is why you see most “new town” screenplays STARTING with the characters arriving in the new town. The Karate Kid for example (I know, I know, completely different movie) – we start with them arriving in California. Now in this case, the Schenkers wanted to establish the characters’ shitty lives before they got lucky, which is a choice I support. But we don’t get to Montana until page 35. That’s WAAAAAAY too long. We should be there AT THE LATEST by page 25, and preferably by page 20. Montana is where the meat of the story is so that’s where we need to be.
Genre: Romantic Comedy
Premise: After 10 years of waiting for her boyfriend to propose, Sam has had enough. She grabs her shotgun, points it at her deadbeat other half, and threatens him that if he doesn’t marry her today, she’s going to kill him.
About: This script finished on the lower half of the 2006 Black List. It should be noted that this is a first draft, however it is the draft that got Shotgun Wedding on the list with 6 votes. The writer, Zehnal, has seemed to focus most of her career on TV and is still looking for that breakthrough career hit. She wrote an episode of 2002’s That 80s Show, and recently worked on the 2010 show, “True Jackson, VP.” EDIT: One of the commenters pointed out that a newer version of this script sold to Dreamworks a couple of years ago.
Writer: Tiffany Zehnal
Details: May 22, 2006 – First Draft (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).
The best way I know how to express my opinion on Shotgun Wedding is: I don’t get it. I don’t understand this type of writing. And the question I keep asking myself is, “Is this a gender thing?” Rom Com Girl. If you’re out there, can you help me with this? This premise just hits me as ridiculous. A woman forces her husband, at gunpoint, to drive to Las Vegas and marry her? As a scene? A SINGLE SCENE?? I could see that working. I was actually laughing when Sam first pointed the gun at Wyatt. But as time went on, I realized that this wasn’t going to be one scene. IT WAS GOING TO BE AN ENTIRE MOVIE!
I checked out right there. I mean I kept reading, but from that point on I felt like I was the one who had the gun pointed at me. Comedy is a weird beast, as we’ve discussed before. One person’s “funny” is another person’s “stupid.” But regardless of taste, I don’t get these premises where the central conceit is so far removed from reality that there’s no way to identify with the situation at all. Sure, a lot of crazy shit happens in The Hangover, but it’s based around a situation that we’re all familiar with – having a crazy night out where we don’t remember anything. In what bizarre pseudo-universe is anybody going to make someone marry them at gunpoint???
Help me out ladies. What is it about this premise that you like? Is it the wish-fulfillment thing, like Horrible Bosses? Where you wish you could put a gun to your man’s head and force him to do what he’s too much of a wimp to do? I suppose that makes some sense. I did like Horrible Bosses. But I am so far removed from understanding what that must feel like that there’s no way for me to identify or care about this situation at all. And even if I’m going to make that conceit, I still think this is a one-scene premise stretched out to two hours. So with that “ring”ing endorsement, let’s get to the review!
34 year-old Sam has been with her boyfriend Wyatt for ten years and she’s STILL waiting for him to pop the question. But since Wyatt’s a Neanderthal loser, he plans on enjoying his freedom for as long as he can get away with it. Well he’s gotten away with it long enough. On their tenth anniversary, when all signs are pointing towards Wyatt asking her for her hand in marriage, he instead offers Sam a brand new water filtration system!
Well that’s enough for Sam. She grabs her shotgun, points it at her boyfriend’s face, and says to get dressed. We’re going to Vegas to get married.
The script then spends a lot of time trying to come up with stuff to fill in the time before the wedding. We get a lot of flashbacks, for example, of Sam watching much less deserving women get proposed to a lot sooner than she did.
On the road, she calls and alerts her friends and family that she’s tying the knot. But they’re not letting her get away that easy. They want to come to the wedding! So all of a sudden everyone’s planning an impromptu Vegas vacation to see Sam and Wyatt exchange vows. There’s only one problem. Wyatt doesn’t WANT to get married. And he’s using every single argument he can think of to escape this nightmare.
The hijinx continue when Sam realizes they don’t have a ring so she stops off to rob a jewelry store. Now the cops are after them too. They end up running out of gas of course, and some studly trucker picks them up and she pleads her shotgun wedding case to him. We get a scene where Wyatt accidentally shoots Sam’s foot. There’s even a scene where she has to logistically figure out how to let Wyatt go to the bathroom in privacy without him escaping!
Ah but escape he does eventually, and in a random development, Sam befriends some waitress at a diner and then it becomes the Laverne and Shirley show circa 2011! So now she’s got to avoid the authorities, find her “fiance,” find her ring, and find her wedding dress (both of which have been lost along the way) all in time for her big wedding in Vegas. Will she do it? Can she pull off a miracle and actually become a wife after all this?
Oh boy. Okay. Let’s see. Besides everything I mentioned above, this concept has a major flaw in it. We’re not rooting for Sam to succeed! All of us think Wyatt is a moron. He’s not worthy of being with Sam Kenison, much less this Sam, so the whole time we’re like, “Uhhh, okay. Why do we care if this plan succeeds or not?” If we’re not rooting for the main character to succeed, your script has all sorts of obstacles to overcome. I mean that’s one of the cardinal rules of screenwriting.
Also, if the guy our heroine is going after is a moron, then by association, your heroine is a moron too. More than a few audience members are going to be thinking, “Why the hell is she with this loser? She must be a loser herself.” I mean you’re ultimately responsible for your own choices. And if you’re still with a guy who won’t commit to you after ten years, it’s a lot more your fault than it is his. So now I don’t like the main character. I don’t care if she succeeds at her goal. How does a screenplay recover from that?
On top of all this, you also have the issue that the modern woman (or at least the ones who read this site) absolutely hates this kind of setup, where a woman’s entire state of happiness is dependent on getting a man. This actually isn’t something that bothers me because I see variations of it in my everyday life all the time. So I think it’s ripe to make fun of. But I know a lot of women hate this. So now you’ve alienated a big portion of the very demographic you’re targeting.
Was there anything good here? I mean I smiled a couple of times. But it’s hard to get on board with a faulty premise with a character you don’t like who’s trying to do something you don’t care about. The opening is cute. And Zehnal is actually a good on-the-page writer (I loved the opening description of their town – “The kind of town where people get by and then die.”). But I don’t think any writer could’ve made this work. The premise is too faulty.
[x] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Beware the deceptively enticing but ultimately thin premise! The premise that sounds good in a room, but doesn’t have a chance at being fleshed out into an entire movie. I can see the pitch now: “What about a LITERAL shotgun wedding??! Where a woman forces her boyfriend to marry her at gunpoint?” I’d probably laugh at that if I were in the room. But then you start mapping out the story and realize it’s good for about 20 pages and that’s it. I mean how do you expand that premise into 100 pages? There’s just no way. And the number of fluffy scenes in Shotgun Wedding is proof positive of that. Make sure your premise is big enough to handle an entire film!
So a couple weeks ago I stirred up some emotions when I came up with the 6 month plan for selling a screenplay. I think my article was somewhat misinterpreted. I wasn’t saying that selling a script was EASY – that all you had to do was follow these steps and VOILA – 500 thousand dollars magically appears in your bank account. I was merely saying that if you ONLY HAD SIX MONTHS to sell a script, and didn’t have any (or very few) contacts, that the route that gave you the best chance to do so was that one. And I still believe that. I’m open to hearing alternatives, but so far no one’s given me something better.
Also, since the article, I’ve gotten a few e-mails telling me that e-mail is a better way to pitch your script than a phone call. The reason being that phone calls take time and if you’re not important, busy assistant types are likely to hurry you off the phone. With e-mails, they can check them whenever, which is easier for them. That actually makes sense so if that’s the way you want to go, go for it. Just remember that if you do go that route, make sure you’ve followed RULE #1 (pick a great concept!) from last week’s article. Because chances are that’s the only thing they’re going to read in your e-mail. And if you want that logline to be as powerful as humanly possible, then be sure to check out my logline article.
Okay, now let’s get down to business. Last week we talked about the 6 month plan. That’s fine and dandy if you only have six months. But a more realistic plan for selling a script and becoming a professional screenwriter is 3-5 years. You know how doctors and lawyers spend 4 years of 50 hour weeks to get their degree? It’s no different for you. You have to study this craft religiously if you want to be great at it. With that in mind, onto the plan.
MONTHS 1-6
DON’T QUIT YOUR DAY JOB – Not yet at least. You need to start saving money. You’re going to need it later when you either visit or, preferably, MOVE to Los Angeles. Save as much money as you can. Stop spending it on stupid stuff like Angry Birds Seasons. Every buck counts. You can live on In and Out Burger for 8 bucks a day. The more money you save, the more Double-Doubles you can buy!
READ – Start reading scripts. As many as you can. The more you can get your hands on, the more you should read. Not just the pro scripts, but the amateur scripts as well (which you can get over at Simply Scripts). Nothing has taught me more about screenwriting than reading screenplays. At the VERY MINIMUM, read 2 a week. But if you can read up to one a day, do it. And don’t tell me you don’t have the time. Sheldon Turner still reads a screenplay a day and he’s one of the busiest screenwriters in the business.
FIRST SCRIPT – Write your first script. Write about anything you want. Something personal and non-commercial even. Why? Because you’re not going to show it to anyone. Just write and have fun. Enjoy the process. Enjoy figuring things out. If you write 4 pages a day, you’ll be finished in less than a month. Resist the temptation to show it to friends because you think you’re the exception to the rule who’s written a genius script your first time out. Those friends will always secretly think you’re a terrible writer and feel sorry for you whenever you bring your writing up. You only get one chance to make a first impression.
ONLINE RESEARCH – Start trolling the Done Deal message boards as well as the Scriptshadow archives. Read the popular posts, the popular topics debated. Read the comments sections as well. There are some great commenters here at Scriptshadow, guys and gals who know more than I do about screenwriting. Learn who they are, who’s respected, and take their lessons to heart. They’re usually right. Reach out to those people (reach out to anyone you like). Get to know them. Get to know as many screenwriters as you can! This is a lonely profession and it’s a lot easier when you have someone you can e-mail or call when you hit a rough patch. You’ll also need these people for script feedback and to trade contact info with later.
SECOND SCRIPT – Write your second script. As much as you want to, you’re still not going to show it to anyone. It will be better than your first script, but it will still be bad. You won’t think so but that’s only because you don’t know what you’re doing wrong yet. If you did, you wouldn’t have done it wrong. Take a little more time with this one. 2 pages a day so you can think about what you’re doing. See if you can’t apply some of things you’ve been learning from reading all those scripts. Afterwards, take a week off and come back to it. Assess the slow parts, the parts you don’t like, then come up with a plan to fix those problems. This will be your first rewrite. You’re now officially a part of the club.
MONTHS 7-12
BOOKS – It’s time to read some screenwriting books. All of the big ones. Save The Cat, Story, The Sequence Approach, 500 Ways To Beat The Script Reader. Read’em all. Some of the big ones you can get for free at your local library. Think of screenwriting as a language. You may be able to pick up a language by being around others who speak it, but if you want to sound intelligent, if you want to be fluent, you’ll need to study that language, and these books are your professors. Learn the three act structure. Learn how to set up a story, how to build a second act, how to develop characters. Find an author who speaks to you and build your approach around his advice.
THIRD SCRIPT – Now it’s time to get serious. You need to start thinking about your concept (check the Six Month article for how to do so). If you have loads of talent, selling your third script isn’t unthinkable. But you won’t have a shot unless you pick a marketable concept. You’re also going to be outlining for the first time. The books should have taught you how to do this. Just remember, the first time someone starts outlining and structuring, they tend to overdo it, making everything in the script feel TOO structured. Apply these “rules,” but not overtly. You still want the story to feel natural. Rewrite the script a few times. Rewriting is what’s going to turn a good idea into a good script.
GIVE TO FRIENDS – Okay, time for some feedback. Send your script out to friends, family members, and screenwriting buddies you met on the internet. If any of those internet friends ask you to send a naked picture along with the script, de-friend them immediately. Unless that’s exactly what you’ve been waiting for. In that case, send away. Your friends will lie to you. They will tell you your script is much better than it is. That’s okay. You need to ease your way into feedback. It’s not easy hearing someone’s flippant reaction to something you slaved over for 3 months. Rank your friends/family’s enthusiasm for your script on a scale from 1-10. Whatever it is, subtract 4. That’s their real reaction.
CONTESTS – Pick 3 or 4 contests (Nicholl, Bluecat, Austin, Zoetrope, Page, TrackingB, etc.) and send your script into them. Don’t expect to win. You won’t. But if you’re on the right track, your script should at least place in one of these contests. Use the inspiration to motivate you for your next script.
KEEP READING – You need to keep reading as many scripts as possible. You won’t have a lot of time because you’ll be writing, but try to get in at least 2 a week if possible. It’s not hard guys. At the end of the day, instead of watching your fifth favorite TV show, read a script.
FOURTH SCRIPT – For the love of God, test your screenplay idea ahead of time. You’re now on your fourth script, where you’re actually starting to get good. You don’t want to waste 3 months on something that has no chance of selling. Spend more time on your outlining as well. Make sure to avoid mistakes you made in previous screenplays. Substantially rewrite (I’m not talking about a polish here) the script 7-8 times. Really try to make it as good as it can possibly be.
FRIENDS AND CONTESTS – Follow the same pattern. Give it to friends. Ask them to be harsher in their feedback. I find that the more scripts you swap with friends, the more honest they get, because they’re more comfortable with you. So it might actually seem like you’re getting worse, since they’ll be more critical. But the reality is they thought your previous scripts were awful and didn’t tell you. So don’t worry. You’re improving. Send your script out to contests. Try to place. Don’t worry if you don’t. It’s only your fourth script.
MONTHS 13 – 24 (YEAR 2)
CONTINUE THIS PROCESS – Your goal for the second year should be 3-4 scripts, depending on how much time you have. Keep writing. Keep reading. Keep studying. Keep exchanging with friends. Keep entering contests. They’ll keep you on a deadline. The goal here is to use every free second of your life on screenwriting. Immerse yourself in it. The quicker you learn everything, the faster you’ll improve.
START QUERYING – Once you get to your fifth or sixth script, assuming it’s a marketable premise, you can start querying. Look back at The Six Month Article to see how to do this. The difference is, you’ll be querying agents and managers in addition to producers. This is going to be an important step for you because this is the second stage of building your contacts. You already have a group of online screenwriter friends. Now you’ll be adding business contacts to that list. Now chances are, ASSUMING YOU HAVE A MARKETABLE CONCEPT, you’ll get some bites. And most of those bites will be low level agents and managers. That’s okay. You’re low level too. And just like you expect to be big time in a couple of years, so do they. So send your script along.
LUCKY – If you’re lucky, maybe someone wants to represent you. They’ll probably want to send your script out to a bunch of people. And some of those people will want to meet with you. Which means guess what? Yup. You’re flying to LA! Have fun with these meetings. It’s still unlikely that anybody’s ready to buy a complete unknown writer’s script, but that doesn’t mean you can’t set up a network for future purchases. Be excited. Have a few pitches ready for these meetings. Industry folk always want to know what you’re working on next. Remember, script sales usually take time. Building relationships and trust. Getting to know people who then feed you information of what the people they work with want. If nothing comes out of the script itself, it’s still a win, because you’ve expanded your network.
UNLUCKY – Don’t worry if no one liked your script. You’re still learning. At the very least, a few of them will open the door to send your next script. So you’ve still expanded your network.
MONTHS 25-36 (YEAR 3)
IF YOU CAN, MOVE TO LA – Notice how I waited until Year 3 to have you move to LA. That’s because you’ve built up a library of scripts, and not rocketed into town with that abysmal first script you wrote (which by this time you’ll be looking back at and saying, “Thank God Carson didn’t allow me to show that piece of crap to anyone.”). Now I know some of you are saying, “Do I have to move to LA?” No, you don’t have to. But here’s why you should: You want to be able to meet people year round, whenever they read your script or hear about you or have something to discuss. Hollywood is just like any other business. It’s about relationships. And if you’re not physically there to build those relationships, people tend to lose sight of you. They move on to the next guy who IS there. Let’s say one of the producers your new manager sent your script to didn’t get to it for 3 months, a full 2 months after you left LA for that week of meetings. He wants to meet now but you’re back in Iowa. What if you and that producer had hit it off? What if he had asked you to rewrite his little horror flick? Maybe that horror flick got a surprise theatrical release and did a lot better than expected and now that producer is willing to pay you TRIPLE to work on his next movie. All of a sudden you’re a credited screenwriter with people asking for your services. Which means more people know about you. Which means more meetings. More offers. More fans. Which means more people to pitch your OWN ideas and send your OWN scripts to. Which means a REAL SHOT at selling your script! Hollywood people like to meet. I don’t understand it either but they like to see your face. They like to look you in the eyes. They like to bounce ideas off you, see if you’re a writer they can work with. If you’re 3000 miles away, you’re missing those opportunities. I’m not saying you can’t succeed if you don’t live in LA. What I’m saying is, if you CAN live in LA, do it. You’ll increase your chances of selling a script tenfold. AND you’ll get to eat at Tito’s Tacos whenever you want. Which is a HUGE plus.
IF YOU CAN’T MOVE TO LA – Don’t freak out. Technology is bringing us closer together every day. More youngsters are moving into important positions. Those guys may not mind skyping you. Or Facetiming you. And even the older folks should be okay with a phone call. It’s not the same, but it’s better than nothing. Still, if you’re getting consistent nibbles from producers and other industry people, you should plan to fly to LA 3-4 times a year and meet all those people face to face to keep those important relationships active. Building your network of people to send your scripts to is the most likely way you’re going to sell one of your own screenplays. So you have to meet these people face to face if you can.
CONTINUE PROCESS – Aim for 3 or 4 scripts this year. Keep entering those contests. Keep querying managers with your new scripts. Keep getting feedback. Keep reading screenplays. Keep reading Scriptshadow. Keep sending new screenplays to producers you have relationships with. With every new idea comes the opportunity to find someone who loves that idea.
MONTHS 37-60 (YEARS 4 AND 5)
TIME TO BREAK THROUGH – You have your pattern down by this point. You know what to do. I’d be surprised if you don’t have, at the very least, a dozen contacts by this point. But even if you don’t, don’t worry. The thing with screenwriting is you can always get better. Go back through the feedback you’ve received. Identify what you need to work on and get better at it. If your characters are forgettable, for example, go back through all those books and re-read the chapters on character. Or just read the character article on Scriptshadow! You’re bound to have an “ah-ha” moment sooner or later. And then continue that process. Write. Read. Feedback. Rewrite. Contests. Query. With every script, you’ll get better. If you’re still not getting any bites, another option is to get your script looked at by a professional analyst. These guys will tell you why your script isn’t up to snuff with the pros and what you need to do to get better. It’s expensive, but if you’ve been at it for this long, it’s an investment that might be worth it. I give notes when I have time, so you can come to me. But this isn’t about me pimping my services. There are a lot of people online who give notes and some of them are really good. Do your research and find someone you feel comfortable with. There’s nothing quite like specific quality notes on one of your screenplays.
KEEP FIGHTING – A lot of people ask me, “When do you know you’re not cut out for screenwriting? How do you know when to give up?” My answer is, “When it’s no longer fun.” If you start to hate screenwriting, you shouldn’t do it anymore. And, you know, as long as you’re still a responsible human being who’s contributing to society, you can write til you’re 90. If you’re the 45 year old guy living out of your car suffering for your art who says he’s got the next great found footage rom-com, maybe it’s time to reevaluate your life. But if you enjoy the challenge, if you enjoy what you’re doing, fucking write screenplays til you die. Who gives a shit if they never sell? You’re doing what you love and that’s all that matters.
I don’t think there’s anything more to say but get to work! :)
Hey everyone. No official post today. I just wanted to write a big thank you to everyone who visits the site. And an extra big thank you to those who take the time to write out all those thoughtful comments. All of you make Scriptshadow. Enjoy the day off and prepare for tomorrow’s post, where I give you a realistic 3-5 year plan of becoming a professional screenwriter.
Genre: Indie Comedy
Premise: A couple of Canadian losers drive down to New York to try and sell Christmas Trees. Dumb and Dumber meets Sideways.
About: Melissa James Gibson is a well-known Canadian playwright. As far as I can tell, this is her first screenplay sale. Paul Giamatti and his wife are producing the film. Giamatti and Paul Rudd will be playing the lead characters. Phil Morrison is directing. Morrison is best known for the well-received 2005 film, Junebug. Strangely, he hasn’t made a film since.
Writer: Melissa James Gibson
Details: 115 pages – 3/11/11 draft (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).
The only thing I knew about this one when I started reading it was that Paul Giamatti was involved. He usually makes interesting choices so I was in. Later I discovered Paul Rudd had been cast and started wondering what the tone of the script was. Afterwards, I’m still searching for that tone. This is a weird script, starting with the premise.
Guy is a 42 year-old Quebecian who just got out of a 5 year jail stint for burglary. Guy is a thief. A lifer in the trade. Except he’s ready to end that life. Guy wants to go on the straight and narrow. So after being released, he heads home to reunite with his wife and eight year old daughter. But there’s a problem. Actually, there’s a couple of problems. His wife went ahead and told their daughter Guy had died. It was apparently too hard to tell her the truth. So Guy can’t even come into the house. He can’t meet and talk to his daughter. Which makes absolutely no sense of course. If I have a daughter who thinks I’m dead, I’m walking in and telling her I’m not. I’m sure she’ll get over it.
Anyway, that’s just the beginning. Guy tasked his old partner in crime, Rene (the one I believe got away on the job that put Guy in jail) with taking care of his wife while he was gone. Well Rene takes care of her all right. If by “taking care” you mean “has lots of sex with.” Now his wife loves Rene, and his daughter thinks of him as her father. In two words: Not good.
Well at least Rene still has all the money from their last job, right? Umm, not really. When Guy goes to collect his half of the loot that he’s been waiting 5 years for, he finds out Rene has spent it all. Nice! That leaves both of them broke. Guy wants to know how they’re going to make money – legally, but Rene isn’t being very helpful. He says he’s going down to New York to sell Christmas trees with a friend. Guy says, “Ditch the friend. You’re going with me. And we’re splitting the money.” Rene reluctantly agrees and off the two go to New York.
Once there, Guy realizes that Rene doesn’t have any of this planned out. He doesn’t even have a Lot to sell the trees on! So they start selling trees out of the back of their truck. It becomes clear that Rene is a total moron and Guy gets more impatient with him every minute because of it. Eventually, the duo start poaching on an empty lot, and things pick up. So how does this all end? Why they decide to steal a piano of course! “Huh?” You ask. “What does that have to do with a movie about selling Christmas Trees?” Beats me. Welcome to Lucky Dog.
Where to begin with Lucky Dog. Let’s start with the title, which has absolutely nothing to do with the story. That’s usually a bad sign and a harbinger of things to come. That’s followed by a nonsensical “you can’t talk to your daughter because she thinks you’re dead” sub-plot. Then, out of nowhere, the script becomes about selling Christmas trees (What does selling Christmas trees have to do with a movie about a couple of thieves?). By the midpoint I had no idea what the script was about or what was going on.
I wasn’t even sure what they were doing this for. To make money? Okay, fine. But for what? What was the ultimate goal? To make money so they could have… money? That’s not a goal. Making money for the sake of making money is never going to entertain an audience. They need a point – a REASON for wanting to make money. Somewhere near the end we learn that Rene’s going to use the money to provide for Guy’s wife and kid. Which didn’t make any sense because the whole time in New York, all Rene wanted to do was fuck other women. And I guess the reason Guy wanted the money was to buy his daughter a piano? Except we didn’t find this out until 15 pages before the ending. Strange.
Then there’s the baffling relationship between the two main characters. Rene is fucking Guy’s wife. But this isn’t a secret. Guy knows about it. Yet he never raises a stink about it. He gets annoyed every once in awhile, but all in all doesn’t seem to mind much. Here’s a scenario for you. Before you go to jail for five years, you task your best friend with watching your wife. You come back to find out he’s fucking her. Do you say anything to him or just continue your friendship like nothing happened? Apparently in this universe, you opt for the latter. That’s what was so damn strange about this script. There were so many illogical aspects about it that it was impossible to take any of it seriously.
Luckily, once they get to New York and settle in, the script FINALLY starts to find its groove. Once it became solely about selling Christmas trees, I at least understood the story. There is some funny stuff in there, such as the two believing they can sell Christmas trees on a lot that isn’t theirs.
Also, thank God for Olga, the woman who befriends Gary after buying a tree. She was the only character in the entire script who was exciting – who jumped off the page. There was an honesty and a vibrancy to her that none of the other characters had. I wondered why she was so head and shoulders above the other characters and I later found out that the script was written by a woman (I just assumed it was a man because it was a script about two guys on a road trip). Naturally, I wondered if she simply understood the female voice better, being a woman. That may sound sexist but I can’t think of any other reason why all the guy characters were muddled and she was so well defined. I actually would’ve LOVED a lot more of Olga. When she first appeared, I thought, “Thank God!” This script needed a woman – a love story. But then she disappears for the majority of the script until the strange piano theft finale.
I don’t know how to conclude this. Lucky Dog was just all over the place. The story was weird. The characters were odd. Nobody’s actions made much sense. The goal was vague. I felt like I was on a backwards merry-go-round being juggled by Godzilla. I never knew which direction was up.
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Maybe you guys can help me here. I’m all for a writer being “different.” I’m all for a script making unconventional choices and constantly surprising you. In fact, I often advocate for that kind of thing. I love not knowing what’s coming next. But there seems to be a line where once you cross it, “different” becomes “confusing/frustrating.” Sure, the script is giving us something we’ve never quite seen before. Plot points are unique. Characters don’t act like we expect them to. But the combination is so off-kilter that we can’t identify with anything – we can’t find our “bearings” so to speak. And that “unique” script ends up being confusing and weird. I don’t know where that line is, I just know when it’s crossed. And here it was crossed. No matter what I did, I could never get a feel for what this script was or what it wanted to be. It was simply all over the place.
