Last year’s Top 10 Black List script, Cedar Rapids, debuts its trailer. I have to say, this looks pretty damn good.
Genre: Indie Comedy
Premise: In order to earn the respect of his famous father, a young man must go on a great journey to find his idol, a “Cat Stevens” like 70s alternative-dance icon who’s since gone into hiding.
About: Lonny The Great finished with 5 votes on the inaugural 2005 Black List. The writer, Jay Reiss, recently got his first produced credit as a writer with his script, The Oranges, which finished in the Top 10 of the 2008 Black List. Weiss has a few other projects in development, including “Man-Witch” about the first male witch. In one of the weirder coincidences I’ve stumbled upon since starting this site, the listed director for that film is none other than Robert Florsheim, who you might remember as the co-writer of The Passion Of The Ark, which I reviewed last week.
Writer: Jay Reiss
Details: 134 pages (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).
When you pluck a script that you’ve never heard of out of obscurity, the most you can hope for is that it’s readable. I mean if it were any good, *someone* would have told you about it by now, right? But Jay Reiss isn’t some nobody writer. His script “The Oranges” finished Top 10 on the 2008 Black List and has an exciting cast that includes Oliver Platt, Catherine Keener, and Hugh Laurie. Some have called it American Beauty by way of Meet The Parents. That script used to be in my Top 25 (albeit a thousand reads ago) so I find it kind of surprising that nobody told me about this little-known Reiss gem that first got him noticed.
In order to properly prepare yourself for Lonny The Great, you’ll want to assume that Wes Anderson is directing it. No, Wes Anderson is not actually directing it (that would be awesome) but this reads very much like an Anderson script. Like in many of Anderson’s films, our main character, Lonny (a zoo attendant), has some major issues with his much more accomplished father.
The father in question, Julius, made his fortune selling lettuce and then, after losing part of his thumb in one of his factories, took that fortune to the next level by creating a prosthetics empire, inspired of course by creating a mini-prosthetic thumb piece to make his hand whole again.
He later had two sons, Lonny and Spencer, and it became clear early on that Spencer was the chosen one. Lonny just had too much dream in him and not enough “do.” It finally becomes clear to Lonny that he will always play second fiddle when his brother asks his dad to be his best man. That is, of course, unless he does something amazing to make his father finally take notice of him.
It so happens that Julius keeps a special room in his mansion with a special table. And on that table are dozens of pictures of people that Julius has met and holds in high esteem. People like past presidents, Muhammad Ali, Gandhi. But there is one great person on this planet who Julius has not being able to meet.
Theodore Rome.
Rome has brought millions of people happiness through his unique and inventive interpretive dance prowess. Watching Rome dance would’ve been like listening to Martin Luther King speak or John Lennon sing. But right when he had the whole world in his hand, Rome disappeared into thin air, shunning the limelight to live a private and rewarding life on his own.
Lonny believes that if he can find Rome and get a picture with him, he will win his father’s respect and earn a spot on that coveted “Great Table.”
So Lonny grabs his 17 year old co-worker and only friend, Gerald, and the two go on an impossible pursuit of a man people have unsuccessfully been looking for for 30 years. Along the way they’ll be lied to, taken advantage of, they’ll fall in love, get arrested for burying a deer (I laughed for 2 minutes at the deer-hitting scene), mistaken for having an inappropriate relationship, and finally find Rome on his own private island in Hawaii.
The question is, will Lonny get the all important picture he covets, and will he finally earn his father’s respect?
This is a funky script. It definitely does a lot of things “wrong,” but it does so much right in the key areas, namely creating an emotional connection via its characters, that you overlook it. I mean, the script is 133 pages. That’s a page length I’d typically scoff at. However Reiss wisely keeps his description threadbare. So it doesn’t read like a 133 page script. It reads like its 100. Keep in mind, I read long scripts that feel short and short scripts that feel long all the time. If your script is going to have a thick page count, you better be lean with your description and have a lot of dialogue, cause if you do, we’ll forget about that page length immediately.
Also, the love interest (Beth – a professional rare pet transporter) isn’t introduced until way after the midpoint. Normally I advise writers to introduce their romantic interest within the first act, and at the very latest by page 45 (the quarter mark of the second act). But it didn’t bother me here, and I was trying to figure out why.
I think it’s because Lonny has such a strong goal that we’re so wrapped up in, we’re not thinking about whether he’ll find himself a lady or not. Reiss does such a great job setting up the relationship (between Lonny and his father) and establishing how important it is to Lonny that he prove to his father he’s worthy, that the lack of a love interest simply never crosses our mind.
Speaking of the love interest, I wanted to point out a great scene and an important lesson for all you young writers out there about how to approach your scenes. In every scene, you want there to be something else going on that makes the scene a little (or a lot) difficult for your characters. The most boring scenes tend to be two characters sitting around talking. Even if they’re pushing the story forward, it’s still boring if that’s ALL they’re doing.
In Lonny The Great, there’s a moment on the plane when Lonny decides he’s going to ask Beth to join him and Gerald in their pursuit of Rome. Now before I tell you how this scene plays out, I want you to think about how you would write this scene. Probably the first ideas that pop into your head are either he asks her while in their seats, he asks her right after they exit the plane, or he asks her at the luggage carousel. All three of those scenarios would get the job done, but there’s nothing EXTRA working against our characters in any of those scenarios.
What Weiss does is he waits for the plane to get to the gate and for Lonny to step into the aisle. It’s at THIS moment when he decides to ask Beth if she’ll come with him. Of course, that’s the very moment that 150 impatient passengers located behind Lonny are angrily trying to get the hell off of this airplane.
Immediately the scene takes on a frustrating yet intriguing life, because it’s the most imperfect scenario possible for Lonny trying to convince this girl to come with him. With people yelling at him, trying to squeeze by, and Beth not convinced it’s a good idea, you give Lonny’s goal a ticking time bomb and a lot of obstacles, which is why the scene plays out in such an interesting way. Had he just asked her while they were still in their seats, you wouldn’t have gotten any of that. It’s moments like this when you know you’re dealing with a good writer.
Now I loved this script. It’s a quirky fun character driven romp through Ridiculousville. Not to mention it has a ton of heart. Having said that, I understand it’s very particular. It’s a lot like “The Ornate Anatomy of Living Things”in that way, and for that reason, it isn’t going to be for everyone. But if you like these types of semi-absurdist character driven films, inspired by Wes Anderson, there’s a good chance you’ll like Lonny The Great.
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[x] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: It’s okay for your script to be imperfect in some areas, as long as you make up for it in other areas.
Get ready for my Top 10 scripts of the year post on Thursday. Also, I somehow dug up yet another forgotten impressive script, which I’ll review Wednesday. Right now, it’s time to tackle the number 1 script on The Black List, College Republicans!
Genre: Political Drama/Biopic
Premise: Aspiring politician Karl Rove runs a dirty campaign for national College Republican Chairman under the guidance of Lee Atwater, his campaign manager.
About: Number 1 on the 2010 Black List. A couple of months ago, Shia LaBeouf was rumored to be up for one of the roles, though it’s unclear whether he was to play Rove or Atwater. Wes Jones, the writer, does not yet have any produced credits, but did associate produce the John Cusack film, Grace is Gone. For another take on the script, News In Film did a review a while back.
Writer: Wes Jones
Details: 122 pages – December 2009 draft (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).
I’ve said it before. I’m not a political geek. Most of my political experiences revolve around my mom sending me CNN articles which warn me that my taxes are about to go up unless I vote for certain people. My obsession with movies and screenplays just doesn’t give me enough time to worry about imaginary people shooting at Hilary Clinton or what that wacky Joe Biden is going to say next. And quite frankly, it doesn’t interest me anyway. So under normal circumstances, I would never read College Republicans. But finishing number 1 on the Black List changes that. It is no longer a matter of whether I want to or don’t want to read the script. It’s now a duty. A civic duty for America!
It’s August 1973 and a cocky young whippersnapper named Karl Rove decides to run for the chairman of the College Republicans (against the advice of his peers). I’d never heard of the College Republicans before but I guess they were (or are?) a pretty big deal.
After some discussion, it’s deemed that the key to winning this election is through the South. So on a plane Rove hops and upon getting to Atlanta, he meets his wily no-holds-barred campaign manager Lee Atwater, a pint-sized little bugger who’d sell out his own brother if he thought it would get him a couple of steps ahead in his career.
The straight-laced Rove despises Atwater immediately but the two have no choice but to work together. It’s been ordered by the higher-ups.
Rove’s competition is a man named Terry Dolan, a pompous chap who figures this will be a cakewalk over the relatively unknown Rove.
But Atwater is a fierce (and dirty) competitor (his motto is: “You just figure out whatever it is that gets people most riled up, and you hang it around the other guy’s neck.”) who immediately goes after Dolan’s girlfriend in order to find out his secrets. When he discovers that Dolan is secretly gay, he spreads the rumor through backchannels and within a week, Dolan’s reputation is ruined and he drops out of the race. Never mind the fact that Atwater was wrong and Dolan wasn’t gay. Whatever gets the job done.
As they hop from southern state to southern state, Rove has more and more scruples about Atwater’s tactics, but they seem to be working so he puts up with it.
Eventually a man named Robert Edgeworth emerges as their main competitor and is a force enough to effectively end any chances Rove has of winning the election. But in a last-ditch effort, Atwater orchestrates some nifty underhanded moves to get Rove back into the race and take the election down to the wire.
I’m usually the first person defending The Black List, but I’ve received numerous e-mails from suspicious readers about the inclusion of College Republicans as the number 1 choice.
Here’s their beef, and I have to admit, it has some merit. There’s nothing exceptional going on here. The script is well-written. The story is fine. But there’s nothing in CR to indicate it deserves exceptional status. Whether you liked The Muppet Man (last year’s winner) or not, you have to admit that the script was unique. Whether you liked The Beaver (2008’s winner) or not, you have to admit it was unique. Both were examples of writers trying something different, which is why they were awarded the top prize.
What’s unique about College Republicans? What is it you look at and say, “Whoa, that is above and beyond anything I’ve read this year?” What chances does it take? I couldn’t find anything. And I’m not picking on Jones here. He’s written a solid script. I’m just shocked that a straight-forward retelling of events about two people as random as Rove and Atwater captured the imagination of so many readers.
Okay Carson, stop your bitching. Can you talk a little bit about the writing already so we can actually learn something?
Sure. Why not.
There were definitely some good things in the writing here. We have a clear story goal – win the election. So the script is always focused. The stakes are also high. It’s made clear numerous times that losing this election could end their careers before they begin. So things felt like they mattered. Atwater is a great role for an actor. He plays by his own set of rules. He’s dirty, he’s a liar, he’s a rogue. This character is going to pop on screen. You also have some nice conflict going on between the leads. At times it actually plays out like a buddy cop movie — two guys with opposing views on life stuck together trying to achieve the same thing (if there’s an argument for College Republicans taking a chance – this would be the area it took a chance in). And to top it all off, you have a solid villain in Dolan.
Things went bad for me on a couple of fronts though. First, Rove is a boring character. He’s basically resigned to being stubborn and whining when he doesn’t get his way. And because Atwater’s personality is so outrageous, the longer the script goes on, the more Rove disappears. It’s like trying to get attention at a party when you showed up with Cosmo Kramer.
In addition to that, the script puts too much emphasis on everything surrounding the characters instead of the characters themselves. We get too many details about getting people to support them and how these elections work and what the stages are that lead to the final election and whose asses they have to kiss. All of it lends a degree of authenticity to the story, but it takes time away from and prevents us from getting to know these characters, especially Rove.
At least Atwater’s relationship with Kate and his love of playing guitar give his character some depth. But I was still never sure who Atwater was. When the lights went down. When all the people were gone. Who was he then? We got to see the performer. But we never got to see behind the mask. And Rove, I can’t tell you anything about him other than he wanted to win this election. He was so one-dimensional, he might as well have not even existed. It’s not easy to make these bull-headed conservative characters interesting, but I felt there should’ve been more aspects brought out about his personal life.
If I had to guess why this did so well, I’d venture to say Franklin (who orchestrates the Black List) hangs out with a lot of political-minded folks in the entertainment industry. This would explain why even though political movies never do well at the box office, two political scripts (Recount and Farragut North) also did well on the 2007 list – finishing 1 and 3 respectively. I mean if you’re a political geek, you’re going to go kookoo for Coco Puffs when a young Professor Clinton makes a cameo in College Republicans to bestow some wisdom on Rove (not surprisingly – he comes off as a God). But for me, this is just so far away from what I’m interested in, that I’m not even sure the best version of this script would’ve won me over.
What did you guys think of College Republicans?
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: To really make your resume moment work, introduce it inside some element of conflict. For those who’ve forgotten what a resume moment is, it’s when a character’s history is read out by one of the characters as a quick and dirty way to give us information about that character’s past. The most obvious use of this is via a job interview, where the interviewer reads from the hero’s resume, “It says here Mr. Clark that you owed one of the biggest plastics factories in the world before selling it to buy an island in the Pacific where you’ve lived for the last 15 years.” — Unfortunately your hero isn’t always in a job interview, so you have to look for other ways to pull this off. Having someone bring up the resume as an unwelcome surprise or against the hero’s wishes will put the audience’s focus on the hero’s disappointment rather than the information itself, allowing you to tell us a lot about a character without it seeming obvious. So in an early showdown between Rove and Dolan, Rove puffs his chest and says, “You have no idea who you’re dealing with.” Dolan replies, “Hmmm. Karl C. Rove, born Christmas Day 1950. Olympus High School…etc., etc., etc.” We’re so wrapped up in the standoff between Rove and Dolan, it’s not obvious to us that a resume moment is happening.
First of all, I know this has already made its way through the screenwriting community, but I still thought I should post it. Some of the jokes here are misses but there are a couple of really good ones. My favorite by far is “Escalation.” Basically, if you’re sick of all these end-of-the-year screenwriting lists, you’ll want to check out “The Wish List.”
Also, if you’re like me, you’ve put off all your holiday shopping til the last minute. Well, it’s time to jack into that Amazon account and order some DVDs. Here are a bunch of staples as well as some deals!
THE TOWN
INGLORIOUS BASTERDS 
STAR TREK BOX SET 
JUDD APATOW ORGASM-FEST 
ROCKY – THE UNDISPUTED COLLECTION 
(blu-ray) 178.99 – I still think that final episode was the best ending to any series ever. 
(dvd) – $22.49 – For the one person who still doesn’t have this yet. By the way, when is this thing coming out on Blu-Ray again? Come on George!
THE WIZARD OF OZ (70TH ANNIVERSARY EDITION) 
THE OTHER GUYS 
STONE 
(blu-ray) $16.99 – I have a love hate relationship with this film. It jumps in and out of my Yearly Top 10 on an hourly basis. 
! (blu-ray) $38.99 – And we finish off with a classic. Did you know Back To The Future is in my top 3…OF ALL TIME?! I love it so much that I watch the second two movies and convince myself that they’re actually good. 
Genre: Comedy
Premise: When the wealthy owner of a fast food chicken franchise learns that his bitchy wife wants a divorce and is therefore entitled to half his money, he decides to spend it all so that she doesn’t get a dime.
About: Here was Kevin’s e-mail to me: “The main reason I want you to read and review this script is because if I’m not having people read my shit then it is really just a bunch of data taking up prime storage space for my illegally downloaded music and naughty videos. Naughty is a funny word. The other reason I want you to review this script is that I really like this concept and I think others will like it as well. Divorce is an enormous elephant in our society that really has become as common as birth and death. I find it absolutely absurd that just about half of marriages end in divorce. Don’t you think I should be able to ask for the return of the Crate and Barrel punch bowl I gave as a wedding gift to my best friend’s wife before she decided to leave her husband and move in with the neighbor? Why should they get to keep all the gifts, they certainly didn’t earn it, bunch of thieves if you ask me, especially since getting married outside a Ramada can’t really be described as a “wedding affair”. Besides, who couldn’t use an extra punch bowl for Superbowl Sunday? On a side note, I’m not the product of a divorce and have been happily married for eight years, or is it nine? The point being is that I’m not a misogynist, I didn’t write this screenplay to get back at anyone, and I certainly don’t hate women, you can even ask my cunt wife about that. Half of Nothing is a just comedy about a depressing subject.” — Every Friday, I review a script from the readers of the site. If you’re interested in submitting your script for an Amateur Review, send it in PDF form, along with your title, genre, logline, and why I should read your script to Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Keep in mind your script will be posted.
Writer: Kevin Restler
Details: 103 pages
That e-mail really resonated with me. My best friend married this girl and I bought them a $400 dollar painting specifically because she liked it. 8 months later she’s banging some doofus at work, leaves my best friend, AND kept the painting. And I’ll tell you what. I was furious. It’s one thing to steal things from the husband you left cause you cheated on him. But to steal from his friend??? That’s just low. This goes to show you, sometimes a query is simply making a connection with the person you sent it to. Not to mention I laughed a few times during the letter, which at least assured me that Kevin was funny. The question was, would he be able to handle everything else that goes into a script? Well, let’s find out.
Harold Zebulon has managed to turn his chicken franchise, Zebulon’s Big Ass Chicken, into a cash…err…chicken. In fact, so successful is his franchise that Saturday 3 a.m. Venice/Overland Carson Reeves mainstay (Jack In The Box) wants to buy him out. Harold’s not only rolling in the dough. He’s smothered in it.
The only downside to Harold’s life – which he fails to see as a downside – is that he’s married to Vanessa, the single biggest bitch on the planet. Take every bitchy ‘most popular’ girl at every high school across America, combine them, multiply them by 52, and you get Vanessa’s left pinky. Spend three minutes with this witch and you’ll feel smaller than that ant you just stepped on.
When Vanessa gets an audition for Alec Baldwin’s new reality producing gig, “L.A. Bitches,” she fucks him the night after and feels empowered enough to leave her husband (plus the only role left on the show is the “bitch divorcee” – and you can’t play the bitch divorcee unless you’re, you know, divorced). So she lets Harold know that it is Ov-Ah and she’s going to be taking half of everything he’s got.
After being consoled by his longtime cook and best friend Quentin, Harold gets a wild idea. He’s got 10 million bucks, of which he’ll have to pay half to that succubus. But if he had nothing, then he wouldn’t have to give her a penny! So what if he spent it all!? Quentin tells him it’s a horrible idea but the image of Alec Baldwin’s fleshy sweaty hairy body diving into his wife’s mystery area is enough for him to commit to the act.
So he hires Josilyn, the philanthropic director of his last TV commercial, to document this wild experience, and starts off by giving his nanny and all of her friends a mall shopping spree, where they can buy every and anything they want. This is followed by paying hundreds of thousands of dollars to his alma mater, USC, so he can be Tommy Trojan for a day. He gets his dream foursome together: Bill Murray, John Daley, Quentin and himself, to play a round of golf. And he pays a series of since grown-up childhood stars to make sex videos with him.
During this time, Josilyn becomes more and more upset that Harold is wasting his money, and tells him he should use it for more useful purposes, like actually helping people. After awhile he listens, and starts giving money to charities and churches and orphanages.
But just as he’s about to run out of money and complete his plan, Vanessa realizes that he’s actually worth more to her as a husband than an ex-husband, so she changes her mind and decides to STAY with Harold, which of course totally sucks because by this time, Harold has started to fall for Josilyn. Whatever will Harold do? Will he find a way to divorce Vanessa and be with Josilyn? Or is he stuck in this miserable matrimony forever?
Half of Nothing is an interesting screenplay. I definitely think there’s a movie here – a modern day nod to Brewster’s Millions
I have this theory that you want to make your bad guy bad, but you don’t want to make them so bad that they’re beyond the realm of believability. Once you do that, they’re no longer a real person – just a writer’s combination of the most evil things they can think of. People aren’t mean to be mean. People are mean because they have issues going on in their lives that bring out that anger. If we don’t see some of that, even in a comedy, it’s hard to believe that the character is real.
This also leads to the question, why would Harold be with Vanessa in the first place? I mean being with someone who’s bossy and selfish is one thing (Ed Helms in The Hangover). Being with the Evil Empire is another thing entirely. You have to explain why your supposedly smart savvy protagonist would choose to subject himself to a life of torture.
I’m also going to make my plea one more time to comedy writers. One out of every two comedies I read nowadays has a celebrity showing up in them. It’s just a way overused joke. And even if this weren’t a common trend, is it really a good idea? It seems like anybody can write, “Sam Jackson comes in and steals Joe’s coffee.” The joke is too easy – too obvious . I’m not saying nobody else will like it. The right celebrity in the right scene could be hilarious. I’m just warning you. I see it way too often.
I think the script also gets lost in places. For example, Half of Nothing is about a man willing to sacrifice all his wealth to spite his wife. Then halfway through the script, it becomes about giving to charity and helping people out. What does that have to do with the concept of getting back at your wife? It just feels like a random choice, which results in an unclear vision. This is a place where a solid theme might have helped, so you could make sure everything in the script revolved around that theme.
I thought Josilyn needed work too. I was just discussing this with someone during a script consultation. When you have a romantic subplot, you have to nail two things. First, you have to give us some backstory on the love interest (in this case Josilyn). We have to feel like she’s a real person. That she’s got her own unique life. The only thing we know about Josilyn is that she’s a director and likes to give to others.
Next, you gotta give your two leads “moments” with each other. Something unique and interesting that we see them share together. Make fun of Titanic all you want. But those characters had memorable moments at the front of the boat, drinking below deck, drawing naked pictures of each other, running through the boiler room, having sex in a Model T Ford. Those moments ensured that when you needed to believe they were in love later, you believed it. Cause you experienced all those moments with them.
Now I know Half of Nothing is a simple comedy. But you still need those moments, and you need that backstory for Josilyn. Otherwise the character feels thin and by association the love story feels thin.
Like I said, the idea here is a good one, but the execution isn’t there yet. When rewriting this, I’d start by not making Vanessa so cruel. I’d make her more conniving, a gold digger who married him with the express intent of divorcing him a year later for half his money. No emotions involved. It’s pure business to her. This is what ignites his ire and convinces him he needs to prevent her from getting a penny.
I’d also find a better way to bring Josilyn into the story. Looking for someone to document his antics is kinda thin. Maybe he hires a lawyer to make sure that everything he does cannot be recouped or reclaimed by Vanessa, and that lawyer is Josilyn. That would make more sense. Then, drop the whole Josilyn wants to help the world thing. It feels out of place and forced. Focus more on her displeasure with her own joy-sucking job – being a divorce lawyer (her job has made it so she doesn’t believe in love). Maybe Harold is able to open her up and she starts believing again. That’s off the top of my head but you get the idea.
Anyway, this wasn’t for me but I think it has potential!
Script link: Half of Nothing
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: When you introduce a potential love interest, it’s a good idea to describe them as attractive, even if it’s just a quick adjective (pretty, cute, hot, sexy, beautiful, gorgeous, attractive). That simple description clues us in that we should be thinking of this person as a love interest. I know it sounds silly but I’ve found when you don’t do that (here, Josilyn is described only as “smart & L.A. savvy”), it can be hard for the reader to mentally move her over into “love interest” territory.
