If last week was weird, this week will be wacky. There ain’t no unifying theme here I’m afraid. Today Roger hits you with a horror thriller. Tomorrow, I’m going to review a script from a writer who has a hot mysterious project out there somewhere (to, of course, drum up awareness that I’m looking for said hot mysterious project’s script). Wednesday we’ll either have a writer interview or another book-review post. Thursday will be a quiet character driven story review. Then Friday will be something I’ve never done before. If you’re a fan of sci-fi, you’ll want to tune in, cause I’m writing 3 mini-reviews of hot sci-fi projects around town. — Now, if you haven’t heard about the craziness happening in the month of May here at Scriptshadow, time to go back and read that post. And when you’re done wrapping your head around all of that, come back and read Roger’s review of “Pet!”

Genre: Thriller, Horror
Premise: A lonely animal shelter worker descends into a downward spiral of obsession when he stalks and abducts his crush, imprisoning her in a cage. But according to her diary, this young woman may be more deadly than she seems.
About: Jeremy Slater’s “Pet” sold to MGM back in 2007, the same year that his spec “Score” landed on the Black List. Since then, he sold “My Spy” to CBS Films, which has been described as Three O’Clock High meets Alias. Last week, Slater made the headlines again when it was announced that he was the writer on a Dreamworks airport thriller project pitched by none other than Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci.
Writer: Jeremy Slater
Details: 1^st Revision dated 5/19/07

Last week, we all heard about Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci pitching a thriller set in an airport to Dreamworks. Flog me if you will, but I think these guys are brilliant pop writers, so I wasn’t surprised to read about them selling a pitch. What intrigued me was the name of the writer attached. A dude named Jeremy Slater. Why was this guy getting the Orci-Kurtzman seal of approval?

E-mail to Blink:

Blink Brother!

Okay, I get no joy from doing this but there are a lot of things wrong with these pages. You jump around too much, not allowing any scenes to develop, leading to a confused reader. Just as I was about to get into a scene, we’d jump to another country.

This also prevents you from establishing any characters. Establishing a main character in the first scene is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT as the audience needs someone to identify with and root for right away. Not a hard and fast rule, but one that 99% of movies go by these days.

Generally, I was just confused. I didn’t know where we were, why we were there, what was going on. I had nobody to root for. These are BASIC THINGS you need for a script work. They’re also things you learn over time, which is what I tried to warn you about. You don’t tend to be aware of this stuff on your first script.

You do have some nicely written lines and paragraphs and some fun action. But that’s not what a script is about. It’s not a writing contest. It’s a STORYTELLING contest. You have to rope us in. Give us someone to root for. Give us a situation (not 8 situations) with an interesting problem/mystery that we want to see solved/answered.

Keep reading a ton of scripts. You have some work ahead of you. But you can do it.

Genre: Comedy
Premise: (from IMDB) A comedy centered around a foul-mouthed, junior high teacher who, after being dumped by her sugar daddy, begins to woo a colleague — a move that pits her against a well-loved teacher.
About: “Bad Teacher” sold as a spec back in 2008, the same year it made the Black List. It was written by the same writers who penned “Year One,” and “Ghostbusters 3” (or at least some draft of Ghostbusters 3). Jake Kasdan (Zero Effect, Orange County) is set to direct, with “I am now an actor” Justin Timberlake playing the male lead alongside his former girlfriend, Cameron Diaz. The movie is filming right now. Eisenberg and Stupnitsky, the writers, also wrote for “The Office.”
Writers: Lee Eisenberg & Gene Stupnitsky
Details: June 6, 2008, spec sale draft (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time of the film’s release. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).

You’ve been very bad Cameron!

I’ll be honest with you, the thought of Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake pairing up for a movie together doesn’t exactly get my old N’Sync juices flowing, but I read Bad Teacher long before these two were attached, and remember it being a lot spicier than your average sweet-potato comedy spec. This new word I keep hearing myself bat around these days is “teeth.” So many scripts I read don’t have teeth. They don’t bite into you. They’re more likely to politely rub against you or nudge you lovingly. But every story needs a little teeth, a little edge to set it apart from the pack. And that’s what I remembered about Bad Teacher. It had teeth.

Elizabeth Halsey is not a good person. In fact, she makes Melvin Udall, from As Good As It Gets, look like the milkman. Elizabeth has one desire and one desire only – to marry a man with money – the American dream for hot lazy women with no skillset everywhere. And Elizabeth has finally achieved that dream, finding a short bald troll-like man with lots of moola and an astute inability to know when he’s being taken advantage of. Or maybe not. Yes, Elizabeth’s dreams come crashing down when she walks in on her future Bilbo Baggins pulling a Jesse James with some gigantically breasted whore. It is such a devastating moment for Elizabeth that she’s barely able to spit out: “You are buying me the biggest pair of yellow diamond earrings they make!” Yeah, Elizabeth is a teensy bit materialistic. And vain. And a bitch. And cruel. But all of those adjectives pale in comparison to what Elizabeth is now: Single. Cue hard rock music!

Back Elizabeth goes into her own personal hell, that goddamned middle school, and boy is she pissed about it. So pissed, in fact, that she takes it out directly on her kids. A class with Elizabeth is like a day when the substitute shows up. If that substitute were a drunk reckless asshole who hated you. But Elizabeth has a plan. In her universe of fucked-up logic, she postulates that the woman who stole her troll fiancé had huge fake breasts. This means, in order to make sure this debacle doesn’t happen again, SHE must get huge fake breasts. The problem is, huge fake breasts cost $9300, and Elizabeth barely makes enough money to pay the rent (those damn teacher salaries). So, somehow, Elizabeth will have to cheat, lie, steal, scam, and deceive her way into getting that money. And nothing is off limits. Not school funds. Not other teachers. If there is money that can be gotten, she will find a way to get it.

Of course, you need to throw your protagonists some curveballs, and a big one arrives in the form of new teacher: Scott. Scott is as honest as Elizabeth is deceitful, and when she finds out that his father owns one of the biggest watch companies in the world…well, it’s game on. Unfortunately, Elizabeth’s rival, the sweet-as-caramel Amy Squirrel, is also vying for Scott’s attention. And since the two were practically chiseled out of the same loving stone, Elizabeth’s chances aren’t good. To make matters worse, Amy has huge natural breasts. The only way for Elizabeth to have a shot (in, once again, her warped little universe) is to transform into the exact opposite of who she is around Scott, and keep him interested just long enough to get those damn D-Cups!

Let’s not beat around the bush here. Bad Teacher is Bad Santa. I mean, it’s the exact same movie, but with a female lead and set in a middle school. I’m not saying that accusingly. I think it’s brilliant. It’s a perfect twist on a movie that worked. And if you thought Billy Bob’s character was funny, there’s something even more hilarious about a woman who will stoop lower than hell itself, who will take out the very kids she’s supposed to be protecting and nurturing, to get what she wants. I mean, the way she despises these children…you feel bad that you’re laughing and yet you can’t help yourself. Elizabeth doesn’t even know any of the kids names. NONE. And while this may seem like an obvious joke, Elizabeth is so authentic and believable that when she says “Hey you,” to a kid she’s known for 3 months, you laugh every time.

The cool thing about “Bad Teacher” is that there’s nothing spectacular about the way it’s constructed. It’s simply about a woman trying to save up enough money to get breast implants. But I realized there was a little more thought that went into this than it first seems. Here you have this appallingly selfish protagonist leaving a path of destruction in pursuit of her goal, and yet you’re still engaged. Conventional wisdom says we shouldn’t be rooting for Elizabeth because she’s “unlikable.” But what I realized was this: Because this character wanted something so badly – and I mean really really wanted it– it didn’t matter that we didn’t like her. What we’re drawn to is whether she’ll achieve this goal. So we’re not necessarily rooting for Elizabeth here, but we do want to find out if she gets what she wants because she cares so much. I know I’ve come across this before, but for whatever reason, it really stuck out in this instance. It was a good lesson to learn. But it’s important to note that it wasn’t the only reason we tolerated this character. This device is aided by Elizabeth being so funny. Had she not been funny, I don’t know if this approach, all by itself, would’ve worked. So I think that’s important to remember. If you are going to use an unlikable protagonist, try adding a couple of devices/traits to soften the blow. Because if someone is so repulsive that you can’t even stand them, I’m not sure there’s anything you can do to make us care about their journey.

So I obviously liked this script a lot. Why did it only get a “worth the read?” Simple. The ending is a complete mess. I don’t know if it’s a holdover from a previous draft or something they put together with the intent of expanding on later on. But it’s like they tried this big climactic ending, and in the process went away from everything they’d been doing up to that point. I’m sure they’ve fixed it by now, cause it’s really glaring, but since I’m critiquing this draft and not the future one, I can’t give this that “impressive” label.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: If you’re writing your first or second screenplay, I’m going to give you the best chance at success. Use Bad Teacher as a template for simple dramatic structure. Here’s how you do it: Give your main character a big goal, then give them a bunch of smaller goals they have to achieve in order to reach that big goal. So here the big goal is to get fake breasts. The smaller goals are all the little things Elizabeth has to do to get the money to buy those breasts. This may seem obvious to some of you, but I read so many scripts where the protagonists don’t want anything. They’re just hanging around and talking to different people in different locations with no pursuits or desires whatsoever. If you’re just starting out as a writer, and especially if you write comedies, this simple goal-oriented approach is going to give you the best chance at writing a screenplay that’s good.

One thing I never forget is that this site is for you guys. I created it to help you and I will continue to use it to help you whenever you can. That’s why I held the free logline contest. And that’s why I’m doing what I’m doing today. May is going to be Amateur Month. And the idea is to give a few of you a chance to get your scripts reviewed on the site. Now I know that this is going to suck for those who visit the site more as spectators than screenwriters, but I don’t care. I’ve wanted to do this for awhile.

The month will be divided into three sections. The first week is going to be Amateur Week. Anybody can send me a script to be reviewed. Anyone. The week will start off with Roger and I reviewing two completely random scripts from the sampling. We’re going to close our eyes, reach in, and review whatever we pluck out. These will definitely be the most interesting days of the month, as I’m expecting to review scripts in major need of realignment. I don’t want to jinx anybody, but a double “What the Hell did I just read” is not out of the question.

The rest of the week, I’ll pick three scripts based on loglines. So, at the very least, the concepts should be good.

Now let me warn you here. Neither Roger or I will be cruel in our reviews, but we will be HONEST. This goes for all of the reviews throughout the month. If you’ve only written a couple of screenplays, I’m warning you right now, there’s a very good chance your script will receive a low rating. If you’re not prepared for that criticism, don’t send your script in. So why am I doing this? Why subject someone to such a harsh critique? A couple of reasons. We’re doing this to learn. We feature PROFESSIONAL scripts on the site all the time, and a lot of times those scripts get bashed to pieces and called “amateur.” Which makes me laugh. Because if you think those scripts are amateur, you haven’t read any amateur scripts. We are going to review and post REAL amateur scripts, and you’re going see just how difficult crafting a story really is. But more importantly, it will give you the writer of these scripts, a chance to see where your screenplay is, where it needs to be improved, and how.

Now does that mean I’m not hoping to be proven wrong? Of course not. I am praying that somehow you, the guy or girl sitting on your couch right now reading these words, the one who has more talent in your middle toe than Aaron Sorkin has in his whole body, gets your script to me, I give it a genius rating, it sells for a million bucks, and it’s the happiest day in Scriptshadow history. So if you’re out there, please send your script in and make sure I pick it somehow. :)

WEEK 2 is going to be the return of Repped Week. If you remember, last year, I featured a week of writers who had representation from agencies and/or managers, but who hadn’t yet made the big spec sale. The idea was for you to see what it took to get an agent, which is obviously not as difficult as getting your script sold. So Repped Week is back baby. Send your scripts in (details below), and just like Amateur Week, only send your scripts in if it’s okay for me to post them.

But the big reason I’m doing this is for WEEK 3 and some of WEEK 4. Over the past couple of years, I’ve read a lot of amateur scripts, some through my notes service, some through contests, and some through referrals, and I’ve found a handful of unpurchased scripts that are really good. None of the scripts are perfect, but all of them are “worth the reads” or higher, and there are a couple I just know will be made into movies. If you’re a producer, a director, a financier, an agent, or a manager, you will want to be paying attention on that 3rd week of May. Because these scripts are going to be up for grabs.

Interested? Okay, here are the instructions. Follow them EXACTLY!

IMPORTANT: CHECK THE E-MAIL ADDRESSES BELOW – do not submit to Carsonreeves1@gmail.com

WEEK ONE – AMATEUR WEEK – ANYONE CAN SUBMIT
e-mail address: Carsonreeves3@gmail.com
Instructions: First off, write your logline INTO THE SUBJECT LINE. If it doesn’t fit, write as much as you can. The full logline will also be posted in the body of the message. Attach a PDF of your script with the e-mail. Here is a sample of how the body of the e-mail should look:

Name: Joe Screenwriter
Title: Blanket Man
Genre: Horror
Logline: When the people of Sleepville begin losing their blankets one by one, they realize that a horrifying entity known as “Blanket Man” has been stealing them, in hopes of making everyone really chilly at night.

WEEK TWO – REPPED WEEK – ONLY SUBMIT IF YOU’RE REPPED BY AN AGENT OR MANAGER
e-mail address: Carsonreeves2@gmail.com
Instructions: In order to qualify for Repped week, you must have an agent or a manager, and not yet have sold a screenplay. In regards to your e-mail, please write your logline INTO THE SUBJECT LINE. If it doesn’t fit, write as much as you can. The full logline will also be posted in the body of the message. Attach a PDF of your script with the e-mail. This is exactly how the body of the e-mail should look:

Name: Jane Screenwriter
Agency/Management: IDK
Agent/Manager: Temper Sent
Title: Tickle Dome
Genre: Drama/Sci-Fi
Logline: 700 years in the future, man has only one weakness: tickling. In a remote town off the Atlanta Wastelands, the best ticklers in the world battle each other til they’re really tired and can’t laugh anymore. It is known…as The Tickle Dome.

You can start submitting right now! GOOD LUCK EVERYONE!

LAST YEAR’S REPPED WEEK REVIEWS
http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/08/void-repped-week-5-of-5.html
http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/08/emergency-contact-repped-week-4-of-5.html
http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/08/fixer.html
http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/08/malcom-mccree-and-money-tree.html
http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/08/conquered-repped-week-1-of-5.html

Genre: Romantic Dramedy
Premise: A successful Olympic female softball player who may not make this year’s team, finds solace in her relationship with a pretty boy athlete before meeting and befriending a down-on-his luck businessman.
About: James Brooks had a successful career in television (The Mary Tyler Moore Show) before segueing into film with 1979’s “Starting Over.” His next project was “Terms Of Endearment,” which won him Oscars for writer, director, and producer. Brooks didn’t stop there, writing and directing Broadcast News, based on his experiences starting out at CBS news. That film got him another two Academy Award nominations. Brooks ran into trouble though, with his 1994 film “I’ll Do Anything.” The movie was originally supposed to be a musical, but during post-production, they decided to cut out all the musical numbers! Ouch. If anyone has seen the film, it doesn’t take long to realize that something’s…off. After that debacle, Brooks returned with the awesome “As Good As It Gets.” And in 2004, he directed Adam Sandler in “Spanglish.” Brooks is also known for co-developing The Simpsons, mentoring Wes Anderson on “Bottle Rocket” (great movie!) as well as Cameron Crowe on “Say Anything” (also a great movie!). This project is now titled, “How Do You Know.” It stars Jack Nicholson, Reese Witherspoon, Paul Rudd, and Owen Wilson. It is currently in post-production.
Writer: James Brooks
Details: 140 pages – Early draft – undated (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time of the film’s release. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).

James Brooks. James Brooks James Brooks James Brooks. The man is a legend. “Starting Over,” “Broadcast News,” “Terms Of Endearment.” And let’s not forget “The Simpsons.” But for me, the film that really made me a fan was “As Good As It Gets.” There were so many reasons for me not to like that movie. I don’t think there’s a single aspect in it that I relate to. And yet it somehow grabbed hold of me and never let go. For writers who roll their eyes whenever a studio exec tells them their main character has to be more “likable,” Jack Nicholson’s Melvin Udall is the go-to example for you to tell them to fuck off. I’m still not sure how he made that character work.

If I’m being honest, I don’t really feel comfortable passing judgment on James Brooks. He’s won three Oscars. Me? I once had a friend named Oscar. And he stole my girlfriend in 6th grade. So I went into this experience more as a student than a critic. I wanted to see how Brooks approached the craft, particularly with an early draft.

“How Do You Know” introduces us to Lisa Jorgenson, a 27 year-old Olympic softball player who, for the first time in her life, isn’t sure if she’ll make the squad. It’s clear she’s the best shortstop in the country, but she has that gnawing pit in her stomach that says, “Something’s off.” And indeed it is. In a shock to everyone on the team, Lisa is passed over in favor of a younger prettier player, and all indications point to her inclusion as a marketing tactic, using the inferior player’s looks to bring more attention to the team. Lisa, of course, is devastated. All she’s ever been is a softball player. And now she must decide what the next step in her life is, a decision she is frighteningly ill-prepared to make.

Reese will play Lisa

So Lisa does what most people do when they don’t want to make a choice. She finds a distraction. That distraction is the gorgeous but dumb-as-rocks Manny, a professional baseball player with more money and women than a T.I. video. Manny’s world is pretty simple. Play ball every five days (he’s a pitcher) and do a lot of fucking around (or just fucking) in between. Somehow this ill-conceived duo begins the most awkward romance ever, and unfortunately for Lisa, no one tries to stop her.

At the same time, we meet George, a rich corporate executive who thinks he’s found his soul mate in the Stephen Hawking smart/Jessica Alba sexy, Terri. But when a huge scandal breaks at the company, it’s George who’s forced to take the fall, which is made all the more awkward by the fact that his father, the loving but morally questionable Charles, owns the company. The second George falls from grace, Terri decides it’s time for them to “take a break.” But she assures him that as soon as he gets back on his feet, she’ll be there for him. Aww, isn’t that sweet?

Paul will play George.

With the rest of the world pulling away from George, he finds himself calling Lisa, who he doesn’t know, but whose number he has because he was supposed to go out on a date with her forever ago (he broke it off at the last second). Much like Manny is a way to avoid choice for Lisa, Lisa is a way to avoid choice for George. He too, wants to bury himself in a distraction. But what starts as an awkward collision of two different people, escalates into a full blown friendship. This friendship begins to interfere with Lisa and Manny’s ongoing situation, and Lisa finds herself, ironically, having to make a choice. Does she go with the ridiculously-handsome but embarrassingly moronic athlete? Or the highly intelligent but going-nowhere-soon businessman?

The first thing I noticed about Brooks was how he’s clearly from a different screenwriting era. There is no attempt to grab the reader here. There is no flash. No urgency at all. This is a man who knows he’s making this movie himself, only has to impress the actors he sends his script to, and therefore has no problem taking his merry time. If you don’t like it, tough cookies. I don’t know if I’d say I didn’t like it, but I sure wouldn’t have minded if we’d gone a *little* faster. It seems like we get five or six scenes in a row telling us the exact same thing, that Lisa is terrified of being left off the Olympic team. Once she *is* left off the Olympic team, we get five or six *more* scenes with her lamenting about it. I noticed my internal reading voice saying “Speed it up here. Keep it going.” Trust the audience. They know what’s going on.

Owen will play Manny.

But what I began to realize was that this wasn’t your typical romantic comedy. And that was refreshing. Brooks chooses to underplay any ticking clocks, such as George’s impending court date for his company mishap, and focuses more on the uncertainty of the lead character, Lisa. Lisa sort of jumps back and forth from relationship to relationship, trying to balance the goofy charm of Manny with the embattled but earnest efforts of George. Whereas in most romantic comedies, you feel like you’re on a track, being pushed towards the inevitable finish line, here there’s more of a drifting quality, as if the entire story is on a sled, and any second we could go flying off the road and into a tiny town out in the middle of nowhere. That’s both its biggest strength and its biggest weakness, as sometimes it drifts too much, and when that happens, we’re not entirely sure what the movie is about.

Surprisingly, the movie grounds itself whenever it gets back to Lisa and Manny. The overgrown child who’s never had any responsibility in his life is a walking scene stealer. And when he falls in love with Lisa, he’s completely unprepared to handle it. Manny is a guy who keeps a drawer full of unopened toothbrushes for any woman staying over, absentmindedly mistaking this trait as “thoughtful,” without a second thought as to how it might make the girl feel. There’s no doubt that Brooks was inspired by Tim Robbins’ character “Nuke” from “Bull Durham,” and he updates that character nicely into the modern age. Manny was, without question, my favorite part of the script.

Jack will play George’s Dad

Ultimately though, as most of you know, I’m a structure guy, and Brooks plays a little too fast and loose for me. Yes there was something refreshing about not knowing where it was all going, but at a certain point, I wanted to know. A lot of screenwriting teachers will tell you not to make the relationship the ONLY thing in your movie. Yes, When Harry Met Sally did it, but it’s usually better to build some sort of plot around the relationship so the characters have an outlet other than the people they’re involved with. There’s a bit of an attempt to do that here with George and his company’s downfall, specifically in his relationship with his father, who owns the company he’s been banished from, but there’s something very isolated about the storyline, as if it doesn’t want to commit to the script. And I felt like we needed that structure to center the story. Who knows though, maybe this plot was better integrated into subsequent drafts.

When all is said and done, this draft is a mixed bag, but I do like its theme: transition. Brooks explores that moment in your life where the things you’ve done so well for so long…are no longer available to you. And the way that that changes you, the way it makes you reevaluate who you are as a person. Who is Michael Jordan without basketball? Who is Oprah Winfrey without her talk show? I liked that we got to see that transition from three different perspectives (Lisa, George, and Charles). And it’s all contrasted nicely against the character of Manny, who lives in a state of bliss, unaware that one day that moment will come for him too. If only the story would have had as much pop as that theme, I would’ve dug it. But it didn’t, so it wasn’t for me.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: I’m a big believer that when you write a love triangle, you have to make sure that each of the competing parties has a legitimate shot at the protagonist. If we know from the get-go that Guy B has no shot at our heroine, then where’s the tension? Where’s the suspense? Even though I loved Manny and couldn’t stop laughing whenever he was on screen, I never once believed he had a shot at Lisa. He was too goofy, too immature and too stupid. Is there anyone who believes, from the very first frame, that he has a shot? (Then again, this worked, to an extent, in Bull Durham, so I realize it’s not a hard and fast rule)