The Alchemy Papers

Posted on March 8, 2010 | by admin

I’ll be reviewing the script for a very soon-to-be-released Matt Damon film on Tuesday. Very very soon-to-be-released. I’ll also be reviewing a script from a couple of guys who have written and directed two of my favorite comedies of all time. Then on Friday I’ll be reviewing a hell of a good script that totally surprised me. It was on this year’s Black List, but pretty far down, and because of a certain actor’s attachment, I wasn’t expecting much at all. But man, this script has one of the greatest villains I’ve read in a long long time. They cast it right and whoever plays that part has a shot at an Oscar. Wednesday is still a mystery at this moment. But hopefully we’ll have something interesting to put up. Here’s Roger with his review of “The Alchemy Papers.”

Genre: Family Adventure
Premise: When Thomas Edison’s great-great grandson accidentally uncovers the first clue to where the infamous Alchemy Papers are hidden, which contains the formula to make gold, he sets off on a high-stakes adventure throughout the Five Boroughs of New York City.
About: Sold to Kopelson Entertainment in 2007. Before that, the brother and sister duo sold an untitled project to Beacon. Adele Griffin is the author of numerous YA books, two of which (Where I Want to Be and Sons of Liberty) were finalists for the National Book Award. Her and her brother Geoff, screenplay-wise, cut their teeth on “a supernatural thriller, then a sudsy coming-of-age script, a cool but bleak noir script, and then a comedy that got us some attention but didn’t sell.”
Writers: Geoff Watson & Adele Griffin
Details: March 2006 draft

The Edison name doesn’t carry the same kind of clout it used to.
Just ask seventh-grader, Tom Edison. He’s the great-great grandson of the famed scientist and inventor, Thomas Alva Edison, and he’s in danger of losing his scholarship at St. Anthony’s Academy because his inventions (think remote control lawnmowers and self-stacking cafeteria dishwashers) go haywire and destroy school property and endanger students.
He most definitely comes from the same DNA as his scatter-brained father, Thomas Sr., who is more concerned with selling that miracle patent (for his Robot Nanny) that will put the Edison family back on the map than with finding, say, an actual job.
When Tom Jr. finds a 1925 Barnak Leica A 35mm camera in his family’s basement, he discovers a roll of well-preserved 35mm acetate film. Because he’s an Edison, or “geek encoded”, he can throw together the appropriate chemicals for developing the film based on household items off the top of his head.
So what’s he discover on the film?
It’s a picture of one of his great-great grandfather’s best friends, Louis Lumière, the inventor of the movie projector (without whom there might not even exist screenplays or a ScriptShadow!).
So that’s pretty cool, but so is the book Lumière holds, Le Triomphe Alchimie.
Tom also notices that Lumière is wearing an emerald pendant, just like the one he has on now.
It’s the symbol of the Frater Scientiae, a group of distinguished artists and thinkers that includes such notable figures as: Mark Twain, Mary Cassatt and Henry Ford.
It’s a group that forms when Thomas Edison discovers how to make gold out of any metal. Scared of his discovery and not wanting it to get into the wrong hands, he hid these alchemy papers, whereabouts unknown.
But not without him and the Frater Scientiae scattering clues throughout New York City and its landmarks, creating a riddle for that specific individual who is truly worthy of unearthing Edison’s secret.
Which is Tom, right? So who are his friends that help him on his journey?
There’s Bean, who aspires to be the next American Idol, and uses his gift of song to distract and otherwise get his friends out of hairy situations, and then there’s Colby.
Colby is a thirteen-year old tomboy, and her grandfather was an engineer who supposedly helped build much of Manhattan. He has tons of books on New York and its landmarks.
When the kids follow some clues and discover the former location of The Pioneer Inn, “an Artist-only boarding house, where Dylan Thomas, Emily Dickinson, and Mark Twain once lodged”, we discover they are being watched by a thug named Vlad who works for Alset Technologies, the company Thomas Sr. has been laid off from.
Alset Technologies? Why does that seem familiar?
When the kids first venture forth on their treasure-hunting journey, a mysterious man who may or may not be the descendant of Louis Lumière tries to warn them of the danger involved. Of course, they ignore him and this brings them to the attention of someone at Alset Tech.
Alset; Tesla.
That’s right, the descendant of Nikola Tesla is keeping an eye on the Edison kid and his friends, continuing a rivalry that started way back in the 1800s.
It turns into a personal race against time for Tom as he has to use his instinctual engineering know-how to solve puzzles, hopping from places like the New York Public Library to Yankee Stadium, all the while avoiding Tesla and his goons.
How are the puzzles?
They’re pretty cool. One of my favorites involves Mark Twain, antiquated film, Morse code, and perhaps a special edition of Huck Finn the kids have to find. For each puzzle, the kids have to pool their resources to not only solve the riddle, but to stay out of danger’s grasp.
My main scruple with these sequences aren’t the puzzles themselves, which I think work, but the adventure aspect of the story. I thought the chase sequences and skirmishes were going to be more thrilling, more inventive. These are the descendants of famous inventors, so I wanted to see more gadgets and set-pieces. I wanted to see more Goonies-esque adventure through New York City, if that makes sense.
It’s kind of akin to playing a videogame that has a promising world and opportunities for action and solid platforming, but instead you spend most of your time solving riddles and puzzles. So maybe it’s a taste thing, I dunno.
However, since this draft is dated March 2006, I hope the writers were able to address my main issue with the story in their rewrite.
Let’s think about Amblin and Amblin-style films for a moment. You know, those family style adventure films directed by Spielberg (E.T.) and Joe Dante (Gremlins and Small Soldiers), often written by people like Chris Columbus and Brad Bird (in many ways, I kinda think Brad Bird always makes Amblin-style films).
What constitutes an Amblin-style flick?
a.) Child protagonists who are forced to venture out of their comfort zones in order to preserve their suburban family structures. b.) A high-stakes adventure that captures the imagination and stirs our faculties for awe and wonder. c.) Villains that are childhood fantasies run amok or authority figures that jeopardize the safety of the family unit. d.) And most importantly, wisdom gained at the loss of innocence.
And I felt like this draft of “The Alchemy Papers” was missing this crucial element of innocence lost.
Groan at me all you want, but I found Tom, Bean and Colby to be kind of thin characters. They were lacking some of that inner conflict we like to call flaws and shortcomings. Sure, traces are there (especially for Tom), but it’s ignored for exposition and the scavenger-treasure-hunt plot.
Conceptually, this had all the ingredients to excite me. A hero that’s a descendant of Thomas Edison? A villain that’s a descendant of Nikola Tesla? A high-stakes adventure through the five boroughs of New York City to find a hidden formula to make gold? Count me in! In fact, if I was a Kopelson, I would have bought this script as well, just based on the concept alone.
But you know, although it’s satisfying to see a protagonist achieve their goal, it’s never nearly as emotionally satisfying to see them conquer some kind of inner conflict they’re struggling with. This is the conflict, that, like music, speaks directly to the heart. It moves you.
It’s what makes a coming-of-age story a coming-of-age story.
And it’s what makes an Amblin-style film an Amblin-style film.
This particular draft of “The Alchemy Papers” is more National Treasure than The Goonies, more The Da Vinci Code than Indiana Jones. It’s a great concept for a family adventure flick, and it has some very entertaining scenes, but in this draft, it doesn’t move you like you need it to.
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Mainly, that if I’m going to be teased with characters who are the descendants of badass inventors, I want to see Rube Goldberg-style mayhem. To me, by creating such characters, I felt like the writers were promising us ingenious pulp adventure. Instead, they opted for sequences that I felt were too rooted in the ordinary world. Show me the goddamn Edison and Tesla progeny running amok in a world that allows for flights of fancy! Which is all to say, if you’re writing a fun adventure flick, challenge yourself and try to create an inventive adventure sequence that’s as delightful and surprising as the new OK Go video for This Too Shall Pass. For reals.
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Live Oscar Madness!!!!

Posted on March 8, 2010 | by admin

Woo! This is what blogs are made for. Immediate passionate live reporting on events as they happen! As I said before, the drama of these present-day Oscars is lost with the excessive media coverage of the 8 million awards shows that precede it. Each main category is down to a 1 or 2 person competition, which makes predicting them kinda boring. The drama, henceforth, is left in the smaller categories, which would be fun except that nobody knows anything about the smaller categories, turning them into a complete guessing game. Anyway, none of this takes away from the true fun of the Oscars, which is to make fun of actors and actresses you don’t like. Which I anticipate I’ll be doing plenty of. What the Oscars lacks in drama we’ll make up for in pure moronic observation. In general, I’ll be updating a few minutes after each category is announced, so refresh at your leisure.

Random observations: Best two lines of the interviews so far. Jeremy Renner on if there’s anything he’d rather have here besides his mom: “A shotgun.” Carey Mulligan on George P asking her what all the little forks and knives on her dress were about: “I have no idea.”

Random observations: Wow, what a stupid way to open the night. — What the fuck is going on??? Neal Patrick Harris is singing! (and he’s a really bad singer) — Man, I thought Steve Martin was going to wipe out.

Whoa, these jokes are really going over well with the 80 and over crowd.

Why does Clooney look so mad? He’s not laughing at anything. I thought he was Mr. Happy Go Lucky.

I’m definitely enjoying how terrified these actors look when their name is called.

Oh got it, Clooney thing is a joke. Much funnier when Gervais and Carrel do it though because when they do it THEY’RE ACTUALLY FUNNY!

Best Supporting Actor
Who I want to win: Christoph Waltz
Who Will Win: Christoph Waltz

Thoughts: Easiest category to call of the night. I don’t even know who else is running. I don’t care. He could be running against Daniel Day-Lewis and he’d still be a shoe-in. What I love about Waltz, is after he won it, he didn’t pretend to be about the art or any of that nonsense. He said, “I’ve been doing this forever and barely eeking by. It’s time to get paaaaaaaaid. And he signed onto Green Hornet, for I can only imagine to be many millions of dollars. Good for him.

Winner: Waltz
Reaction: That was a pretty heartfelt speech from Waltz. You could tell he was truly honored, and it was a nice tricky way of working in all the thank yous and making it seem like it was part of his speech (this year they’re not supposed to thank people in their speech – yeah, like that’s ever worked).

Best Animated Feature Film
Who I want to win: Up
Who Will Win: Up

Thoughts: Duh.

Winner: Up
Reaction: I love this guy. He LOOKS like a cartoon. You could not create a more perfect person to represent an animated film winner.

Best Original Song
Who I want to win: I don’t know.
Who Will Win: I don’t care.

Thoughts: This is an Academy of Motion PICTURES Awards. PICTURES. Not SONGS. Who freaking cares about this award? The only reason they even have this category is so they can throw some singing performances into the night. I’m going to go out on a limb here and go with Jai Ho, by A. R. Rahman from Slumdog Millionaire. One of my favorite moments from last year is when Jai Ho walked up and accepted his academy award like he’d gotten one every year of his life since he was 3.

Winner: I don’t care.
Reaction: Miley Cyrus needs to disappear off the face of the planet like right now!

Random observation: Am I the only one who liked that song from the diet coke commercial? Who sings that?

Best Original Screenplay
Who I want to win: Quentin Tarantino
Who Will Win: Quentin Tarantino

Thoughts: Who wouldn’t want Quentin Tarantino’s life? He writes and directs these totally original movies. But unlike other directors, he doesn’t burrow himself into his work right afterwards, playing the role of tortured artist. He fucking ENJOYS HIMSELF. He goes to Sweden, Amsterdam, Germany and PARTIES HIS ASS OFF. And don’t think those experiences don’t contribute to his writing. In fact, I think that’s why he’s able to continue being original, because he actually experiences life.

Winner: The Hurt Locker
Reaction: WHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!???? Are you kidding me???? The Oscars are rigged. No way. What a joke. This really has a huge effect on the rest of the night. If the voters voted this for screenplay, what else could they vote it for?? — But Downey Jr.’s joke about writers looking like mole people = funniest line of the night.

Random observation: I usually hate these recollection pieces, but if there’s one I’ll sit through, it’s John Hughes. So many damn classic lines/scenes/movies!

Is that a red dot I see on Jon Cryer’s forehead? —- Taylor Lautner and Kristin Stewart are like, “Who the hell is John Hughes?”

Best Animated Short Film
Who I want to win: Logorama
Who Will Win: Logorama

Thoughts: I mean come on. It’s freaking LOG-O-RAMA. Anything with the word “rama” in it should win. Although I’m a big French Toast fan so “French Roast” almost won my vote. The big question with Logorama is the rights issue. Will they be able to even play a clip from the film? I mean, this is the real drama of this year’s Oscars. How come no one is reporting on this?? I can’t wait any longer. I have to know what’s going to happen with Logorama! Ahhhhhh!!!!

Winner: Logorama!
Reaction: YAAAAAAYYYYY!!! LOGORAMA WON!!! The world is a better place.

Best Documentary Short Subject
Who I want to win: Please put me to death
Who Will Win: I DON’T CARE!

Thoughts: Seven people on the planet care about this category. Not even the nominees’ parents are watching.

Winner: One of the nominees.
Reaction: Oh my god! What the hell is going on??? Who is this woman!??? this is the best drama of the night! Purple Woman comes up on stage and steals the microphone from very deep middle-of-his-speech man!

Best Live Action Short Film
Who I want to win: The people of the world.
Who Will Win: Kavi

Thoughts: Having seen all five of these films ten times each…IN ANOTHER DIMENSION, I can tell you that I’m magnificently ill-equipment to offer my opinion here. But what I can tell you is this. The Live Action Short Film category likes 3rd World Countries. The more 3rd world the film’s subject matter is, the better chance you have. For that reason, I’m going with Kavi, a movie about an Indian boy and his parents being forced into slave labor. I mean come on. You can take this one to the bank.

Winner: A film that was not Kavi.
Reaction: Whaaaat??? Kavi lost. This totally destroys my theory on everything, including the universe. Where is the large crazy purple woman?? Why isn’t she here for this acceptance speech? Bring back Large Purple Woman!!!!

Best Makeup
Who I want to win: Kim Kardashian
Who Will Win: Cher?

Thoughts: You can tell how much the Academy cares about this category when a) they’ve cut it to 3 nominees so they don’t have to invite any more people than they have to, b) on their website instead of using a production still for Star Trek, they cut and pasted directly from a cheap video still, c) They don’t even *have* a picture for Il Divo, one of the movies in the category, and d) They nominated STAR TREK for best makeup!

Winner: Star Trek!
Reaction: I don’t care what all you Stiller haters say. He’s the only one who actually tries at these things and is actually funny. Easily the best moment of the night. Even better than the Joaquin Phoenix thing last year.

Best Adapted Screenplay
Who I want to win: Blomkamp & Tatchell (District 9)
Who Will Win: Jason Reitman & Sheldon Turner (Up In The Air)

Thoughts: blah blah blah. WGA screenwriting credit war. Blah blah blah. The only time the Academy awards sci-fi is when it has some social relevance. District 9 has some social relevance. So award it dammit! I don’t know if I’d call it a great screenplay, but this movie needs to get some recognition. Plus Up In The Air didn’t live up to it screenplay whereas District 9 elevated its script. And plus I don’t want Clooney to be rewarded for for his bobblehead acting move.

Winner: Precious
Reaction: WOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. This is a huuuuuuuuuuuuuge upset. HOly Shit. Reitman must be pissed. Why aren’t they showing a reaction of him? This is probably the best moment of the night. This guy didn’t think he would win. And you can tell he’s truly touched. I don’t think there’s anything that could feel better for a writer – being up on that stage after spending thousands of hours in a room all by yourself. — Wow, Steve Martin actually said something funny with the “I wrote him that speech” line.

Best Supporting Actress
Who I want to win: Anna Kendrick
Who Will Win: Mo’Nique

Thoughts: This is a given. I mean, Mo’Nique tore it up. But Precious was way too heavy-handed for me. I think we know how I feel about films that pour on the drama and never let you come up for air. Kendrick is a great actress, someone I thought really shined in the undervalued Rocket Science. This is a girl we’re going to be seeing for years to come. — Also, I noticed they switched this from its traditional opening slot, and my suspicion is that it’s because they knew Mo’Nique was going to be giving one of the best acceptance speeches and didn’t want to waste it right away. Although, Mo’Nique seems to make an acceptance speech whenever she’s interviewed anywhere, even if it’s not about the movie.

Winner: Mo’Nique
Reaction: I love when these nominees cry at their own performances when they show their clips. — I think Mo’Nique just said her performance was obviously the best performance with that “politics” quip. She’s right, but I mean, that was weird of her to say.

Best Art Direction
Who I want to win: Avatar
Who Will Win: Avatar

Thoughts: I couldn’t come up with something interesting or incisive to say about this category if you gave me three weeks. So I’ll just say Avatar and HURRY THE F UP TO THE NEXT CATEGORY.

Winner: Avatar
Reaction: Avatar gets its first win of the night. — Uh oh, I don’t think you want to tell James Cameron he’s a genius. His head is already filling up the first nine rows.

Best Costume Design
Who I want to win: I don’t. I wish they would eliminate this category.
Who Will Win: Dr. Panarsus

Thoughts: Dr. Panarssus needs to eat! How could they send Heath Ledger out with this piece of crap? Give it a little love. Even if the only costume I saw from this movie is the white tux Jude Law was wearing in the promo shot (at least I think it’s Jude Law).

Winner: The Young Victorias
Reaction: What the hell is this movie? I’ve never heard of it before. Are they sure they didn’t just make it up for the Oscars? “Uh, yeah the movie is real. Here are some pictures of the clothes on the set.” “But I’ve never heard of you before.” “Here’s another picture. Look at that dress.” Yes! I love when people come up and say they don’t give a shit about winning an Oscar. Sweet!

Best Sound Editing & Best Sound Mixing
Who I want to win: They need to send these categories back to 1987 so Superman can throw them into the bag of nuclear warheads he takes to the moon and BLOWS UP!
Who Will Win: See above.

Winners: The Hurt Locker in both categories
Reaction: I will say this though. These categories have the coolest films of the night in them. — Is this the villain from The Davinci Code? — Umm, I’m not sure what’s going on here. Sound Anything should have gone to Avatar, or maybe even, gulp Transformers 2.

Best Cinematography
Who I want to win: Inglorious Basterds
Who Will Win: Avatar

Thoughts: I just think Basterds was a beautifully shot film. But Avatar had more money shots, even if they were digital. Avatar for the win.

Winner: Avatar
Reaction: Wow, in the most visual category of the night, they didn’t show any clips. What the fuck??? — It’s funny how these lesser guys absolutely have to thank people, even if they’re not supposed to, as they want those future jobs.

Random Observation: I know I’m supposed to be respecting the dead right now. But holy shit does Demi Moore look hot. Shows you that surgery doesn’t always make you look like a freak.

Best Original Score
Who I want to win: Fantastic Mr. Fox
Who Will Win: Up?

Thoughts: I love offering my opinion on things I have absolutely no expertise on. Best Score? Give it to Fantastic Mr. Fox. Why? Because it’s Wes Anderson! And Wes Anderson loves music. Best Original Score should go to the person who LOVES music the most. That’s obvious. But I have a feeling Up will win, because music and animation go hand in hand and Up is more animated than Fantastic Mr. Fox, which is more stop-motionated. I told you there would be plenty of worthless observations tonight.

Random observation: This hip upbeat “So You Think You Can Dance” routine is not going well AT ALL. This is all very strange. Is Steve Martin about to come out and say, “Just kidding!”

Winner: Up
Reaction: Sam Worthington must have done terrible in the rehearsals because they’re not letting him say ANY-thing.

Best Visual Effects
Who I want to win: District 9
Who Will Win: Avatar

Thoughts: It’s too bad for District.

Winner: Avatar
Reaction: So what does this make it? A tie 3-3 now for Avatar and Hurt Locker? 2 for Precious? We’re having a pretty tight race tonight.

Best Documentary
Who I want to win: The Most Dangerous Man in America
Who Will Win: The Cove

Thoughts: First, The Cove has the best title. Second, this film covers the uplifting story of dolphin-slaughtering. So you know it’s going to win. I want The Most Dangerous Man in America to win because I think this documentary has something to do with Lost.

Winner: The Cove
Thoughts: Um, what is the guy who was in every 80s film doing up on the stage for this traumatic documentary?

Best Film Editing
Who I want to win: District 9
Who Will Win: District 9

Thoughts: The thing about film editing is, the wrong film always wins. They always get it wrong. Probably because the majority of the academy members have no idea what goes into editing a movie. I used to be an editor and I don’t know what goes into editing. But I know enough to know that the wrong film always wins. I think the members see a lot of camera movement and a gritty feel and believe that means good editing. Using that logic, I’m saying District 9 wins.

Winner: The Hurt Locker
Reaction: The Hurt Locker wins for editing? Why? Because it’s a war movie? Because there’s a lot of camera movement and it has a gritty feel? Dammit, should’ve voted for The Hurt Locker!

Best Foreign Language Film
Who I want to win: The Milk of Sorrow
Who Will Win: The White Ribbon

Thoughts: I admit I have not seen any of these movies, but if you want to get me into a theater, sorrowful milk is pretty high up on the list of things that’ll get me there. That and angst-ridden hot chocolate. Or jealous grapefruit juice. Anyway, everybody knows that The White Ribbon is going to win because I once heard of it, which is more than I can say about these other four.

Winner: I couldn’t tell you cause I have no idea what Pedro Alamovar just said.
Reaction: Yes, this is exactly what the Academy Awards wants, is the winner of Foreign Language Film to thank a bunch of people in another language.

Best Actor
Who I want to win: Jeremy Renner
Who Will Win: Jeff Bridges

Thoughts: I love it when the Academy decides…ehhh, I know this isn’t the right pick, but this person’s earned it because they’ve been around a long time. Like when Karl Malone got MVP over Michael Jordon. Hence, we’ll get Jeff Bridges for the Oscar for a film that 5 people have seen. But I really think this award deserves to go to Jeremy Renner. The guy came out of nowhere and was the main reason this movie has received all this acclaim. But the academy doesn’t like to recognize newcomers unless they’re like, 7.

Winner: Jeff Bridges
Reaction: Uhhh…what the hell is this 10 thousand actors talk about the nominees shit. Just get to it already. I guess overall I’m happy that Jeff Bridges won because he’s such a weird guy, and this speech is definitely one of the more entertaining of the night. Still loses out to Large Purple Lady though. Man, Jeff Bridges might be here all night. But the producers aren’t cutting him off. And Jeff Bridges’ wife is kinda hot. Puma.

Random observation: I’m starving. Can someone bring me some food?

Best Actress
Who I want to win: Meryl Streep
Who Will Win: Meryl Streep

Thoughts: Before I start my Streep worship, is there a Razzie category for worst hair and make-up? Whoever is responsible for Amy Adams’s look in Julie & Julia needs to be fired and never allowed to work in Hollywood again. Never have I seen someone so naturally pretty turned into something so horrendously ugly. Rant over. Now, Meryl Streep! Meryl Streep is one of the few people in any profession that lives up to the hype. There is no one more believable than her onscreen. Some producer said, “The only reason Sandra Bullock is in the race is because she usually does comedies and therefore we think she deserves an Oscar just because she’s doing a drama.” I tend to agree with that thinking. But I’ll raise you that observation and add that the academy wants the number one box office female star in the world at its event for some…RAAAATINGS.

Random observation: Why is Forest Whitaker dressed like Urkel?

Random observation: Am I the only one sick of Oprah promoting Precious. I get that she’s a producer (who came on after the movie was made) but come on already.

Random observation: What the hell did Sean Penn just say? That man should never be allowed near a microphone.

Winner: Sandra Bullock
Reaction: Wooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Sandra won. That is a huuuuuge upset. I can’t believe it. Who ever thought Sandra Bullock would win an Oscar? And off of one of the most boring movies I’ve seen all year.

Wow, and Sandra Bullock for the best speech of the night! I’m almost over the fact that she actually won.

Best Director
Who I want to win: James Cameron
Who Will Win: James Cameron

Thoughts: Here’s why I think Cameron deserves the Oscar. Bigelow (who may be the most beautiful woman in the world for her age) only beats Cameron in one directing category – and that’s in getting the performances from her actors. Granted that’s one if, if not the most important, category. But Cameron does better in every other aspect. And probably most importantly, he does it on a scale that is a hundred times more difficult than the directing job of Hurt Locker. Cameron has no weaknesses as a director. His only weaknesses are those he has as a person. The guy is so hard to root against. Nobody who doesn’t work with him likes him, and yet with that immeasurable handicap, here he is, in the mix, with, of all things, a summer popcorn movie. You gotta give it to Cameron.

Winner: Katheryn Bigelow
Reaction: Well, I guess this wasn’t that big of a surprise. But I didn’t like how Streisand basically announced beforehand who it was going to be. You don’t say that unless you got an inside tip. But I’m happy for Bigelow. She seems like a nice gal.

Best Film
Who I want to win: Avatar
Who Will Win: Avatar

Thoughts: I don’t usually like statistics, but this one caught my eye. If Avatar wins, it will be the highest grossing movie to ever win an Oscar. If Hurt Locker wins, it will be the lowest grossing movie to ever win an Oscar. This, to me, is a very telling stat. If Hurt Locker is as good as everyone’s saying it is, word of mouth should’ve gotten way more people into the theater. By no means am I saying big box-office equals a good movie. Obviously, it doesn’t. But the fact that more people aren’t recommending this to their friends tells me it doesn’t deserve the credentials its getting. But what’s great about this year’s best film race is that it’s really about big Hollywood versus little Hollywood. And people are going to be lining up on both sides, sticking with their alliances. This is going to be the closest Best Picture race in a long time. But I think Avatar wins out, because ten years from now, everyone will remember Avatar, while in ten years time, only a few of us will remember Hurt Locker.

Winner: The Hurt Locker
Reaction: Ugh, I mean, I guess it’s not a bad film. But Best Picture? I just don’t know what to say. I suppose it has its fans? And the making of the film and the way it caught on is a great underdog story. But I still don’t think anyone will know what the hell The Hurt Locker was about in a few years.

Anyway, I’m exhausted. I think I need some warm milk and then it’s off to bed!

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Weekly Rundown

Posted on March 5, 2010 | by admin

On the eve of Oscar weekend, the stupendously amazing Jessica Hall is back with another Weekly Rundown. Looking over the week’s big writing news, I must admit I’m rather disappointed. A lot of uninspiring assignments and projects. Oliver Stone pot movie. Give me a break. Another “How To” titled rom-com. Barf. I read Central Intelligence. Why not just rename it, “Chuck: The Movie?” I guess Gilligan’s Island was coming sooner or later. At least some writers will be able to pay their mortgages because of it. But by far, the most unexciting news of the week, is Dustin Lance Black writing a biopic on Hoover. Is there any idea you could come up with that sounds more boring than that?

A couple of quick reminders. I’ll be Oscar blogging live on Sunday if you want to stop by and yell at me in the comments section. Also, I’ll soon be throwing up the official post asking for your top 10 favorite scripts so we can update the Reader Faves list. Read as many scripts as you can so you can offer an informed opinion!

Nearly two years after it was acquired by Universal, Sascha Rothchild will adapt her own article, How to Get Divorced by 30. Studio was looking for another writer to pen the rom-com based on Rothchild’s L.A. Weekly cover story, but returned to Rothchild who also penned a book based on the article. Marc Platt will produce the pic with Dana Fox. Rothchild will exec produce.

Warner Bros. preemptively picked up a pitch from writing team Cooper & Collage (GET SMART) centered on the adventures of Marco Polo. Francis Lawrence (I AM LEGEND) will direct the project, which is said to be more of an action/adventure than straight biopic. Cooper & Collage are also writing TOWER HEIST for Brett Ratner (RUSH HOUR TRILOGY) to direct as well as MOBY DICK for Universal and MOSES for Fox.

Oliver Stone (WALL STREET 2) will direct and produce SAVAGES. Stone and Don Winslow will collaborate on the script based on Winslow’s novel. Story revolves around two Laguna Beach pals who share a thriving business growing and distributing the best-quality pot. When they resist a Mexican drug cartel, the girl that they share is kidnapped and they agree to pay, but plan to get her back, get revenge, and then get lost.

Broken Lizard Industries sold two projects to Universal. Jay Chandrasekhar, Kevin Heffernan, Steve Lemme, Paul Soter, Erik Stolhanske will write and star in ROGUE SCHOLARS, a college comedy revolving around five unruly professors, as well the second untitled project.

Shawn Harwell (“Eastbound & Down”) will rewrite THE CHADSTER for Danny McBride to Star. The Warner Bros. project previously had Todd Phillips (THE HANGOVER) attached to direct from a script by Mike Samonek (THE WHOLE PEMBERTON THING).

Jason Winer (“Modern Family”) replaces Mike Newell (PRINCE OF PERSIA) as director of ARTHUR starring Russell Brand. Peter Baynham wrote the 2009 Black List script, which is set up at Warner Bros.

The controversial life of J. Edgar Hoover will be chronicled in HOOVER, which Academy Award winner Dustin Lance Black (MILK) is writing for Universal and Imagine Ent.

In a three studio bidding war, Fox 2000 picked up the rights to the young adult novel “Incarceration” by Catherine Fisher. Story centers on a young boy who lives in a prison that is a complete society; outside the prison, the world is stuck in the 17th century and run by computers. The boy comes into contact with the warden’s daughter, who lives in her own sort of jail, and they find a key that can change everything.

Dean Parisot (FUN WITH DICK AND JANE) will direct Barinholtz & Stassen’s 2009 spec CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE, which sold to Universal in August with Ed Helms attached to star. Story revolves around an accountant who’s thrown into the world of international espionage after reconnecting with an old friend through Facebook. This would be Parisot’s first project since 2005.

In another bidding war, DreamWorks picked up Justin Adler’s spec script, THE ESCORT. The road-trip comedy involves an irresponsible flight attendant who is forced to escort a 14-year-old passenger to Boston after their plane is grounded.

Seth Grahame-Smith will adapt his own novel, “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.” Tim Burton and Timur Bekmambetov will re-team to produce the history-horror hybrid, which portrays the 16th president as an ax-throwing, highly trained vampire assassin. Burton and Bekmambetov collaborated on the animated feature “9.” Grahame-Smith’s previous novel, “Pride, Prejudice and Zombies,” is set up at Lionsgate.

GILLIGAN’S ISLAND is coming to the big screen with Brad Copeland (WILD HOGS) set to write the script for Warner Bros. The project, which has been in and out of development since 1994, is a contemporary take on the well-known sitcom.

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The Ticking Man

Posted on March 4, 2010 | by admin

Don’t forget to check in Sunday, where I’ll be doing some live but potentially unentertaining Oscar blogging. Opinions will be made. Anger will be expressed. And absolutely no good will come of it. I say if we can get through the broadcast without Steve Martin getting another facelift, we can call the Oscars a success!

Genre: Action/Sci-fi
Premise: A bomb expert must prevent the human nuclear bomb he created from getting into and destroying Moscow.
About: The Ticking Man sold for 1.2 million dollars back in 1990 (2 million dollars today). Although never made, it was famous for the creative way in which the script was marketed. Each script was sent out with a ticking alarm clock attached. The story (of how it was sold) gained so much traction, that for awhile, creative attempts at getting scripts read was all the rage in Hollywood. The result? A lot of exciting script deliveries. A lot of bad scripts. — One half of The Ticking Man’s writing team is screenwriting superstar Brian Helgeland. Since this spec, he’s written L.A. Confidential (for which he won an Oscar), Mystic River, Man on Fire, and most recently, Green Zone, starring Matt Damon. Manny Coto, the other writer, is probably best known for the show 24, where he’s worked as both a writer and Executive Producer (surely, the ticking time bomb angle helped him get that job). Bruce Willis was tapped to star as Hockett, the lead in the film. Of course, Bruce Willis was tapped to star in every action movie between 1990-1996.
Writers: Manny Coto & Brian Helgeland
Details: 126 pages

boom.

Hurt Locker? Who needs The Hurt Locker! Fuck realism. You know, I have to say, I enjoyed Hurt Locker. I thought it was a good movie. But it’s scary the way these studios hype their movies leading up to the Oscars. In order to keep them in the spotlight, they actually have to promote the film as the single greatest film ever made. And hearing over and over again just how great Hurt Locker is only makes me cringe and scrutinize the movie even more. It was a pretty good movie but great!? Let’s jump down from the crazy train shall we?

The Ticking Man introduces another rebellious bomb defuser altogether – anger-management candidate Lloyd Hockett. Hockett, who blew up his teacher’s car with a homemade bomb after losing the school science contest AT AGE 9, has become LAPD’s number 1 bomb expert. Hockett not only defuses time bombs, he’s an explosion waiting to happen himself. Cursed with a hot head (he blew up his science teacher’s car! At age NINE!), you could say that he has a tougher time managing his temper than managing bombs.

What Hockett’s most pissed off about though, is that they don’t let him go in and defuse these bombs anymore. They use those stupid Short Circuit robots with cute names like F.R.E.D. But when FRED is unable to detect that a child is still in the building of a local school they’re supposed to be securing, it’s Hockett to the rescue, running in, saving the boy and defusing the bomb just before it turns them into a bowl of sashimi.

Strong-minded reporter Meg, a whipping girl for a local newspaper, is assigned to do a story on this bomb defusing stuff, and gets a whiff of the boy-saving cover-up job the LAPD is trying to pull at the school. So she searches out Hockett, asking for the truth and nothing but the truth, only to be told, in so many ways, to fuck off.

Brian Helgeland

Meanwhile, at a military base in Nevada, we meet The Ticking Man, a human-looking robot who’s capable of carrying a 20 kiloton nuclear payload in his chest cavity. For reasons unknown, The Ticking Man decides he doesn’t want to be stored on a shelf anymore, and pulls an Andy Dufrane, busting through the wall and marching off into the desert .

Hockett is then kidnapped by the military because, surprise surprise, Hockett BUILT The Ticking Man. Since he’s the only one who can understand why the Ticking Man would want to leave, they need his help to stop him. But they better hurry up, because the fancy schmancy computer programs at the lair are saying that the Ticking Man is following an outdated mission to walk into the middle of Moscow and blow up the entire city! On a more selfish note, I wouldn’t mind an updating of some of the architecture there. Not a big fan of the Kremlin building. Just an observation.

Because they’re not letting Hockett physically chase The Ticking Man, he escapes the military so he can go searching for him himself. Unfortunately, the extremely annoying Meg joins him, still pressing him for that stupid interview about the school bomb. But soon she realizes there’s a much more pressing issue at hand, and that she may be sitting on the story of the century. The two run, skip, and jump after the Ticking Man as he scurries across the country, avoiding the military and delving deeper into Hockett’s anger issues. Will the Ticking Man evaporate Moscow? Will Meg get her story? Will Hockett get really really mad at people who don’t deserve it? You’ll have to read The Ticking Man yourself to find out.

Willis to play the lead…in every movie ever!

The Ticking Man lands its long hand somewhere between fun and ridiculous. It wears its 90s’ness on its sleeve, and while it coaxes some nostalgia out of you, it just as often coaxes you to check slash-film.com for the fourth time that hour. This 90s vibe can be seen loud and proud in The Ticking Man’s not so subtle attempt to create another type of Terminator franchise. The Ticking Man is essentially a slightly-more confused terminator, and you can imagine a new robotic-type actor – someone who you’d normally never want in your movie – fitting into the role and turning himself into the next Schwarzenegger or Keanu Reeves.

What sucks is that the script is so predictable. And I have my suspicions as to why. I remember at that time, the only book out there about screenwriting was Syd Field’s “Screenplay.” So pretty much any new screenwriter in the business was following that book to a tee. The Ticking Man, I believe, is a victim of this unfortunate reality. Acts break exactly when you expect them to. Twists come right on schedule. Not a single change or deviation from the universally accepted 3-Act structure was taken. And that’s too bad. Cause there were some cool places this could’ve gone. So as Randy would say, 5 times in the same show, “I don’t know dog. I just wasn’t feeling it. I don’t know, I don’t know. What do you think E?”

But before I leave, there’s one quick thing I wanna get off my chest. Am I the only one who thinks these “gotta get the story for the paper at all costs” female sub-plots are worthless? I always feel like, “Who gives a shit if they get the story or not?” Yet this is one of the most common sub-plots in all of film. Am I alone on this? Do I have brothers and sisters represent’n?

In the end, The Ticking Man = A fun premise, but a little too much cheese in the dish. :)

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Can a gimmick help you sell your script? What I’m about to say may surprise you, but I actually think that, yes, it can. There are so many distractions in today’s world, you gotta do something to stand out, to get noticed. Creatively packaging or selling your script may get you noticed in ways traditional routes would not. And it’s been so long since it was done, it may just seem fresh and new. Just make sure that the script lives up to your packaging. Cause I don’t care if you deliver me your script from a helicopter. If it’s unbearable by page 3, I ain’t gonna keep reading.

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21 Shots

Posted on March 4, 2010 | by admin

Genre: Comedy
Premise: A straight-laced college student must find his wallet on his 21st birthday or potentially lose his post-graduation dream job.
About: Sonny Lee and Patrick Walsh, writers on the show “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia,” sold this comedy spec last week to Paramount. This is their first spec script working together. Interestingly, the duo sold the script only a week after they left CAA for ICM. Also, the idea was thought up and is being produced by Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg, who, of course, wrote Harold And Kumar Go To White Castle.
Writer: Sonny Lee and Patrick Walsh (based on a story idea by Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg)
Details: February 16, 2010

Ever wonder how the night in The Hangover actually played out? I’m not talking about the brief glimpses we got through pictures, abandoned babies, and lost teeth. But each insanely crazy detail? 21 Shots is that film. And really, it’s a film chronicling that “legendary” night in college we all had. The one we’ll still be recalling 30 years from now. For me it was Tri-Dorms Destruction Night. Unfortunately I can’t tell that story in a public forum due to fact that I’d probably go to jail for a decade. So I’ll just stick to telling Michael West’s story.

The aforementioned Michael is a lot like Joel Goodsen (Tom Cruise’s character from Risky Business). His overprotective parents have carefully planned out his life so that fresh out of college he’ll have that perfect high-paying job that all parents dream of for their kids. For that reason, Michael’s one of those rare college specimens who actually gives a shit about his grades. While his buddies could spend an entire day looking for the perfect sheet for that weekend’s toga party, Michael would rather studying for tomorrow’s unlikely but wholly possible pop quiz. In fact everything Michael’s done up to this point in life has been in preparation for tomorrow’s dream job interview.

The only problem is that the interview’s landed on the morning after his 21st birthday. And while Michael may have mastered the art of slipping out before the drinks are poured, not even he can escape the clutches of his 21st birthday party. Particularly because his friends, Ian (obsessed with blowjobs) Jessica (obsessed with her asshole boyfriend), and Shane (crazy ex-military weirdo) plan to take him out for the night of his life.


However, just as the wonderful evening begins, the group is mugged, and Michael’s wallet is stolen. If Michael doesn’t have his ID, he can’t get into the club where he’s supposed to schmooze his future employers. If he doesn’t schmooze them, he won’t land the job. And if he doesn’t land the job, everything he’s worked so hard for will be for naught. In other words, Michael must find that wallet!

21 Shots follows a pretty standard formula. Stick your characters in a bunch of fucked up situations and see what pops out. In Michael’s case, he and his friends must maneuver their way through a Training Day like house party, a strip club where Jessica must perform (but is unfortunately wearing her unflattering “period” underwear), dodge a crazy Chechnyan who likes to suck his own dick, and avoid a bizarre homeless man who likes to hump people’s legs (his name, in case you were wondering, is “Humpy The Bum”).

21 Shots is what it is – a comedy geared towards the youngsters. But whereas The Hangover treated its debauchery with a certain amount of class (if that’s possible) 21 Shots has no limits. Ball sacks hang over webcams. Guys suck their own penises. There’s a character whose name is Date Rape (no really, that’s his name). And, of course, let’s not forget Humpy The Bum.


But what surprised me about 21 Shots was that Lee and Walsh were actually trying to say something. And I think this is where you see the difference between an amateur script and a professional one. At its core, 21 shots explores that terrifying transition period when you realize you’re leaving the safe confines of institutional life. Your identity as a student is over. You’re now expected to become an active contributor to society. That’s a terrifying proposition for a 21 year old, particularly because you’ve spent most of your life being told what to do. If you’ve lived your whole life being told what to do, how do you know that what you’ve chosen is what you *want* to do?

So that part I liked about 21 Shots. As for the rest, it’s really a mixed bag. The script labors extensively to set up its premise. So much so that I lost track of where we were and why we were there several times. Michael has to find his ID to get into the club where his future employers are so he can schmooze them before tomorrow’s interview. But while we’re told this is of vital importance, I never understood why he couldn’t just show up the next morning and say his 21st birthday got out of hand and he couldn’t make it to the club. I don’t know any employers who wouldn’t understand that, which calls into question just how high the stakes of Michael finding his ID are. Compare that to The Hangover, whose premise was simple and whose stakes are sky-high: Find Doug before his wedding. So I had some issues with that aspect of the script.

But the big question is, why did it sell? I think there’s always going to be a market for the wacky comedy. The trick is partnering up with the right people. Hurwitz and Schlossberg are becoming major forces in the industry, as they’re almost single-handedly branding the young crazy no-holds-barred comedy angle. They have several of these types of movies in the pipeline, including another project I reviewed awhile ago (and liked quite a bit) that they’re directing. So the industry sees these guys as experts in this market and they trust them. So when they come along with an idea in that wheelhouse, any studio is going to take a good hard look at it, and in this case, they bought it.

For me, with college being a good ways away, it wasn’t quite my thing. Maybe if they’d written a script called, “1 and A Half Beers And A Nap.” That’s something I could relate to.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: 21 Shots uses a lot of pop culture references. There are jokes about Clay Aiken, Brandy, the Duke LaCrosse team, and David Carridine sex games. Using pop culture is always a risky proposition, especially these days, with how quickly media picks up new stories. A joke that’s hilarious today could be dated two weeks from now. And since you never know when someone’s going to read your script, staying topical is almost impossible. For this reason, I advise against it. Anything that dates your script is usually a bad thing. For example, if you make a joke about Britney Spears’ shaved head, I know when your script was written, and it’s already feeling stale. Since these two had Hurwitz and Schlossberg on their team, there’s an understanding that the jokes they’re using are interchangeable. They can always update them once production starts. But for you, the non-producer partner-having writer, it’s too risky. I’d advise to stay out of the pop culture game.

One last note. I know these comedy specs get beaten up in the talkback by the fanboys who are looking for more genre-fare. But I also know that there are a lot of comedy fans who read the site because I get a ton of requests for comedy reviews. Yet you guys never show up when it’s time to discuss the script. That’s what we’re here for. We want to see what scripts are selling or getting made, and we want to discuss why so we can make ourselves better writers. So comedy fans, let’s hear you!

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