Woo! This is what blogs are made for. Immediate passionate live reporting on events as they happen! As I said before, the drama of these present-day Oscars is lost with the excessive media coverage of the 8 million awards shows that precede it. Each main category is down to a 1 or 2 person competition, which makes predicting them kinda boring. The drama, henceforth, is left in the smaller categories, which would be fun except that nobody knows anything about the smaller categories, turning them into a complete guessing game. Anyway, none of this takes away from the true fun of the Oscars, which is to make fun of actors and actresses you don’t like. Which I anticipate I’ll be doing plenty of. What the Oscars lacks in drama we’ll make up for in pure moronic observation. In general, I’ll be updating a few minutes after each category is announced, so refresh at your leisure.

Random observations: Best two lines of the interviews so far. Jeremy Renner on if there’s anything he’d rather have here besides his mom: “A shotgun.” Carey Mulligan on George P asking her what all the little forks and knives on her dress were about: “I have no idea.”

Random observations: Wow, what a stupid way to open the night. — What the fuck is going on??? Neal Patrick Harris is singing! (and he’s a really bad singer) — Man, I thought Steve Martin was going to wipe out.

Whoa, these jokes are really going over well with the 80 and over crowd.

Why does Clooney look so mad? He’s not laughing at anything. I thought he was Mr. Happy Go Lucky.

I’m definitely enjoying how terrified these actors look when their name is called.

Oh got it, Clooney thing is a joke. Much funnier when Gervais and Carrel do it though because when they do it THEY’RE ACTUALLY FUNNY!

Best Supporting Actor
Who I want to win: Christoph Waltz
Who Will Win: Christoph Waltz

Thoughts: Easiest category to call of the night. I don’t even know who else is running. I don’t care. He could be running against Daniel Day-Lewis and he’d still be a shoe-in. What I love about Waltz, is after he won it, he didn’t pretend to be about the art or any of that nonsense. He said, “I’ve been doing this forever and barely eeking by. It’s time to get paaaaaaaaid. And he signed onto Green Hornet, for I can only imagine to be many millions of dollars. Good for him.

Winner: Waltz
Reaction: That was a pretty heartfelt speech from Waltz. You could tell he was truly honored, and it was a nice tricky way of working in all the thank yous and making it seem like it was part of his speech (this year they’re not supposed to thank people in their speech – yeah, like that’s ever worked).

Best Animated Feature Film
Who I want to win: Up
Who Will Win: Up

Thoughts: Duh.

Winner: Up
Reaction: I love this guy. He LOOKS like a cartoon. You could not create a more perfect person to represent an animated film winner.

Best Original Song
Who I want to win: I don’t know.
Who Will Win: I don’t care.

Thoughts: This is an Academy of Motion PICTURES Awards. PICTURES. Not SONGS. Who freaking cares about this award? The only reason they even have this category is so they can throw some singing performances into the night. I’m going to go out on a limb here and go with Jai Ho, by A. R. Rahman from Slumdog Millionaire. One of my favorite moments from last year is when Jai Ho walked up and accepted his academy award like he’d gotten one every year of his life since he was 3.

Winner: I don’t care.
Reaction: Miley Cyrus needs to disappear off the face of the planet like right now!

Random observation: Am I the only one who liked that song from the diet coke commercial? Who sings that?

Best Original Screenplay
Who I want to win: Quentin Tarantino
Who Will Win: Quentin Tarantino

Thoughts: Who wouldn’t want Quentin Tarantino’s life? He writes and directs these totally original movies. But unlike other directors, he doesn’t burrow himself into his work right afterwards, playing the role of tortured artist. He fucking ENJOYS HIMSELF. He goes to Sweden, Amsterdam, Germany and PARTIES HIS ASS OFF. And don’t think those experiences don’t contribute to his writing. In fact, I think that’s why he’s able to continue being original, because he actually experiences life.

Winner: The Hurt Locker
Reaction: WHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!???? Are you kidding me???? The Oscars are rigged. No way. What a joke. This really has a huge effect on the rest of the night. If the voters voted this for screenplay, what else could they vote it for?? — But Downey Jr.’s joke about writers looking like mole people = funniest line of the night.

Random observation: I usually hate these recollection pieces, but if there’s one I’ll sit through, it’s John Hughes. So many damn classic lines/scenes/movies!

Is that a red dot I see on Jon Cryer’s forehead? —- Taylor Lautner and Kristin Stewart are like, “Who the hell is John Hughes?”

Best Animated Short Film
Who I want to win: Logorama
Who Will Win: Logorama

Thoughts: I mean come on. It’s freaking LOG-O-RAMA. Anything with the word “rama” in it should win. Although I’m a big French Toast fan so “French Roast” almost won my vote. The big question with Logorama is the rights issue. Will they be able to even play a clip from the film? I mean, this is the real drama of this year’s Oscars. How come no one is reporting on this?? I can’t wait any longer. I have to know what’s going to happen with Logorama! Ahhhhhh!!!!

Winner: Logorama!
Reaction: YAAAAAAYYYYY!!! LOGORAMA WON!!! The world is a better place.

Best Documentary Short Subject
Who I want to win: Please put me to death
Who Will Win: I DON’T CARE!

Thoughts: Seven people on the planet care about this category. Not even the nominees’ parents are watching.

Winner: One of the nominees.
Reaction: Oh my god! What the hell is going on??? Who is this woman!??? this is the best drama of the night! Purple Woman comes up on stage and steals the microphone from very deep middle-of-his-speech man!

Best Live Action Short Film
Who I want to win: The people of the world.
Who Will Win: Kavi

Thoughts: Having seen all five of these films ten times each…IN ANOTHER DIMENSION, I can tell you that I’m magnificently ill-equipment to offer my opinion here. But what I can tell you is this. The Live Action Short Film category likes 3rd World Countries. The more 3rd world the film’s subject matter is, the better chance you have. For that reason, I’m going with Kavi, a movie about an Indian boy and his parents being forced into slave labor. I mean come on. You can take this one to the bank.

Winner: A film that was not Kavi.
Reaction: Whaaaat??? Kavi lost. This totally destroys my theory on everything, including the universe. Where is the large crazy purple woman?? Why isn’t she here for this acceptance speech? Bring back Large Purple Woman!!!!

Best Makeup
Who I want to win: Kim Kardashian
Who Will Win: Cher?

Thoughts: You can tell how much the Academy cares about this category when a) they’ve cut it to 3 nominees so they don’t have to invite any more people than they have to, b) on their website instead of using a production still for Star Trek, they cut and pasted directly from a cheap video still, c) They don’t even *have* a picture for Il Divo, one of the movies in the category, and d) They nominated STAR TREK for best makeup!

Winner: Star Trek!
Reaction: I don’t care what all you Stiller haters say. He’s the only one who actually tries at these things and is actually funny. Easily the best moment of the night. Even better than the Joaquin Phoenix thing last year.

Best Adapted Screenplay
Who I want to win: Blomkamp & Tatchell (District 9)
Who Will Win: Jason Reitman & Sheldon Turner (Up In The Air)

Thoughts: blah blah blah. WGA screenwriting credit war. Blah blah blah. The only time the Academy awards sci-fi is when it has some social relevance. District 9 has some social relevance. So award it dammit! I don’t know if I’d call it a great screenplay, but this movie needs to get some recognition. Plus Up In The Air didn’t live up to it screenplay whereas District 9 elevated its script. And plus I don’t want Clooney to be rewarded for for his bobblehead acting move.

Winner: Precious
Reaction: WOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. This is a huuuuuuuuuuuuuge upset. HOly Shit. Reitman must be pissed. Why aren’t they showing a reaction of him? This is probably the best moment of the night. This guy didn’t think he would win. And you can tell he’s truly touched. I don’t think there’s anything that could feel better for a writer – being up on that stage after spending thousands of hours in a room all by yourself. — Wow, Steve Martin actually said something funny with the “I wrote him that speech” line.

Best Supporting Actress
Who I want to win: Anna Kendrick
Who Will Win: Mo’Nique

Thoughts: This is a given. I mean, Mo’Nique tore it up. But Precious was way too heavy-handed for me. I think we know how I feel about films that pour on the drama and never let you come up for air. Kendrick is a great actress, someone I thought really shined in the undervalued Rocket Science. This is a girl we’re going to be seeing for years to come. — Also, I noticed they switched this from its traditional opening slot, and my suspicion is that it’s because they knew Mo’Nique was going to be giving one of the best acceptance speeches and didn’t want to waste it right away. Although, Mo’Nique seems to make an acceptance speech whenever she’s interviewed anywhere, even if it’s not about the movie.

Winner: Mo’Nique
Reaction: I love when these nominees cry at their own performances when they show their clips. — I think Mo’Nique just said her performance was obviously the best performance with that “politics” quip. She’s right, but I mean, that was weird of her to say.

Best Art Direction
Who I want to win: Avatar
Who Will Win: Avatar

Thoughts: I couldn’t come up with something interesting or incisive to say about this category if you gave me three weeks. So I’ll just say Avatar and HURRY THE F UP TO THE NEXT CATEGORY.

Winner: Avatar
Reaction: Avatar gets its first win of the night. — Uh oh, I don’t think you want to tell James Cameron he’s a genius. His head is already filling up the first nine rows.

Best Costume Design
Who I want to win: I don’t. I wish they would eliminate this category.
Who Will Win: Dr. Panarsus

Thoughts: Dr. Panarssus needs to eat! How could they send Heath Ledger out with this piece of crap? Give it a little love. Even if the only costume I saw from this movie is the white tux Jude Law was wearing in the promo shot (at least I think it’s Jude Law).

Winner: The Young Victorias
Reaction: What the hell is this movie? I’ve never heard of it before. Are they sure they didn’t just make it up for the Oscars? “Uh, yeah the movie is real. Here are some pictures of the clothes on the set.” “But I’ve never heard of you before.” “Here’s another picture. Look at that dress.” Yes! I love when people come up and say they don’t give a shit about winning an Oscar. Sweet!

Best Sound Editing & Best Sound Mixing
Who I want to win: They need to send these categories back to 1987 so Superman can throw them into the bag of nuclear warheads he takes to the moon and BLOWS UP!
Who Will Win: See above.

Winners: The Hurt Locker in both categories
Reaction: I will say this though. These categories have the coolest films of the night in them. — Is this the villain from The Davinci Code? — Umm, I’m not sure what’s going on here. Sound Anything should have gone to Avatar, or maybe even, gulp Transformers 2.

Best Cinematography
Who I want to win: Inglorious Basterds
Who Will Win: Avatar

Thoughts: I just think Basterds was a beautifully shot film. But Avatar had more money shots, even if they were digital. Avatar for the win.

Winner: Avatar
Reaction: Wow, in the most visual category of the night, they didn’t show any clips. What the fuck??? — It’s funny how these lesser guys absolutely have to thank people, even if they’re not supposed to, as they want those future jobs.

Random Observation: I know I’m supposed to be respecting the dead right now. But holy shit does Demi Moore look hot. Shows you that surgery doesn’t always make you look like a freak.

Best Original Score
Who I want to win: Fantastic Mr. Fox
Who Will Win: Up?

Thoughts: I love offering my opinion on things I have absolutely no expertise on. Best Score? Give it to Fantastic Mr. Fox. Why? Because it’s Wes Anderson! And Wes Anderson loves music. Best Original Score should go to the person who LOVES music the most. That’s obvious. But I have a feeling Up will win, because music and animation go hand in hand and Up is more animated than Fantastic Mr. Fox, which is more stop-motionated. I told you there would be plenty of worthless observations tonight.

Random observation: This hip upbeat “So You Think You Can Dance” routine is not going well AT ALL. This is all very strange. Is Steve Martin about to come out and say, “Just kidding!”

Winner: Up
Reaction: Sam Worthington must have done terrible in the rehearsals because they’re not letting him say ANY-thing.

Best Visual Effects
Who I want to win: District 9
Who Will Win: Avatar

Thoughts: It’s too bad for District.

Winner: Avatar
Reaction: So what does this make it? A tie 3-3 now for Avatar and Hurt Locker? 2 for Precious? We’re having a pretty tight race tonight.

Best Documentary
Who I want to win: The Most Dangerous Man in America
Who Will Win: The Cove

Thoughts: First, The Cove has the best title. Second, this film covers the uplifting story of dolphin-slaughtering. So you know it’s going to win. I want The Most Dangerous Man in America to win because I think this documentary has something to do with Lost.

Winner: The Cove
Thoughts: Um, what is the guy who was in every 80s film doing up on the stage for this traumatic documentary?

Best Film Editing
Who I want to win: District 9
Who Will Win: District 9

Thoughts: The thing about film editing is, the wrong film always wins. They always get it wrong. Probably because the majority of the academy members have no idea what goes into editing a movie. I used to be an editor and I don’t know what goes into editing. But I know enough to know that the wrong film always wins. I think the members see a lot of camera movement and a gritty feel and believe that means good editing. Using that logic, I’m saying District 9 wins.

Winner: The Hurt Locker
Reaction: The Hurt Locker wins for editing? Why? Because it’s a war movie? Because there’s a lot of camera movement and it has a gritty feel? Dammit, should’ve voted for The Hurt Locker!

Best Foreign Language Film
Who I want to win: The Milk of Sorrow
Who Will Win: The White Ribbon

Thoughts: I admit I have not seen any of these movies, but if you want to get me into a theater, sorrowful milk is pretty high up on the list of things that’ll get me there. That and angst-ridden hot chocolate. Or jealous grapefruit juice. Anyway, everybody knows that The White Ribbon is going to win because I once heard of it, which is more than I can say about these other four.

Winner: I couldn’t tell you cause I have no idea what Pedro Alamovar just said.
Reaction: Yes, this is exactly what the Academy Awards wants, is the winner of Foreign Language Film to thank a bunch of people in another language.

Best Actor
Who I want to win: Jeremy Renner
Who Will Win: Jeff Bridges

Thoughts: I love it when the Academy decides…ehhh, I know this isn’t the right pick, but this person’s earned it because they’ve been around a long time. Like when Karl Malone got MVP over Michael Jordon. Hence, we’ll get Jeff Bridges for the Oscar for a film that 5 people have seen. But I really think this award deserves to go to Jeremy Renner. The guy came out of nowhere and was the main reason this movie has received all this acclaim. But the academy doesn’t like to recognize newcomers unless they’re like, 7.

Winner: Jeff Bridges
Reaction: Uhhh…what the hell is this 10 thousand actors talk about the nominees shit. Just get to it already. I guess overall I’m happy that Jeff Bridges won because he’s such a weird guy, and this speech is definitely one of the more entertaining of the night. Still loses out to Large Purple Lady though. Man, Jeff Bridges might be here all night. But the producers aren’t cutting him off. And Jeff Bridges’ wife is kinda hot. Puma.

Random observation: I’m starving. Can someone bring me some food?

Best Actress
Who I want to win: Meryl Streep
Who Will Win: Meryl Streep

Thoughts: Before I start my Streep worship, is there a Razzie category for worst hair and make-up? Whoever is responsible for Amy Adams’s look in Julie & Julia needs to be fired and never allowed to work in Hollywood again. Never have I seen someone so naturally pretty turned into something so horrendously ugly. Rant over. Now, Meryl Streep! Meryl Streep is one of the few people in any profession that lives up to the hype. There is no one more believable than her onscreen. Some producer said, “The only reason Sandra Bullock is in the race is because she usually does comedies and therefore we think she deserves an Oscar just because she’s doing a drama.” I tend to agree with that thinking. But I’ll raise you that observation and add that the academy wants the number one box office female star in the world at its event for some…RAAAATINGS.

Random observation: Why is Forest Whitaker dressed like Urkel?

Random observation: Am I the only one sick of Oprah promoting Precious. I get that she’s a producer (who came on after the movie was made) but come on already.

Random observation: What the hell did Sean Penn just say? That man should never be allowed near a microphone.

Winner: Sandra Bullock
Reaction: Wooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Sandra won. That is a huuuuuge upset. I can’t believe it. Who ever thought Sandra Bullock would win an Oscar? And off of one of the most boring movies I’ve seen all year.

Wow, and Sandra Bullock for the best speech of the night! I’m almost over the fact that she actually won.

Best Director
Who I want to win: James Cameron
Who Will Win: James Cameron

Thoughts: Here’s why I think Cameron deserves the Oscar. Bigelow (who may be the most beautiful woman in the world for her age) only beats Cameron in one directing category – and that’s in getting the performances from her actors. Granted that’s one if, if not the most important, category. But Cameron does better in every other aspect. And probably most importantly, he does it on a scale that is a hundred times more difficult than the directing job of Hurt Locker. Cameron has no weaknesses as a director. His only weaknesses are those he has as a person. The guy is so hard to root against. Nobody who doesn’t work with him likes him, and yet with that immeasurable handicap, here he is, in the mix, with, of all things, a summer popcorn movie. You gotta give it to Cameron.

Winner: Katheryn Bigelow
Reaction: Well, I guess this wasn’t that big of a surprise. But I didn’t like how Streisand basically announced beforehand who it was going to be. You don’t say that unless you got an inside tip. But I’m happy for Bigelow. She seems like a nice gal.

Best Film
Who I want to win: Avatar
Who Will Win: Avatar

Thoughts: I don’t usually like statistics, but this one caught my eye. If Avatar wins, it will be the highest grossing movie to ever win an Oscar. If Hurt Locker wins, it will be the lowest grossing movie to ever win an Oscar. This, to me, is a very telling stat. If Hurt Locker is as good as everyone’s saying it is, word of mouth should’ve gotten way more people into the theater. By no means am I saying big box-office equals a good movie. Obviously, it doesn’t. But the fact that more people aren’t recommending this to their friends tells me it doesn’t deserve the credentials its getting. But what’s great about this year’s best film race is that it’s really about big Hollywood versus little Hollywood. And people are going to be lining up on both sides, sticking with their alliances. This is going to be the closest Best Picture race in a long time. But I think Avatar wins out, because ten years from now, everyone will remember Avatar, while in ten years time, only a few of us will remember Hurt Locker.

Winner: The Hurt Locker
Reaction: Ugh, I mean, I guess it’s not a bad film. But Best Picture? I just don’t know what to say. I suppose it has its fans? And the making of the film and the way it caught on is a great underdog story. But I still don’t think anyone will know what the hell The Hurt Locker was about in a few years.

Anyway, I’m exhausted. I think I need some warm milk and then it’s off to bed!

On the eve of Oscar weekend, the stupendously amazing Jessica Hall is back with another Weekly Rundown. Looking over the week’s big writing news, I must admit I’m rather disappointed. A lot of uninspiring assignments and projects. Oliver Stone pot movie. Give me a break. Another “How To” titled rom-com. Barf. I read Central Intelligence. Why not just rename it, “Chuck: The Movie?” I guess Gilligan’s Island was coming sooner or later. At least some writers will be able to pay their mortgages because of it. But by far, the most unexciting news of the week, is Dustin Lance Black writing a biopic on Hoover. Is there any idea you could come up with that sounds more boring than that?

A couple of quick reminders. I’ll be Oscar blogging live on Sunday if you want to stop by and yell at me in the comments section. Also, I’ll soon be throwing up the official post asking for your top 10 favorite scripts so we can update the Reader Faves list. Read as many scripts as you can so you can offer an informed opinion!

Nearly two years after it was acquired by Universal, Sascha Rothchild will adapt her own article, How to Get Divorced by 30. Studio was looking for another writer to pen the rom-com based on Rothchild’s L.A. Weekly cover story, but returned to Rothchild who also penned a book based on the article. Marc Platt will produce the pic with Dana Fox. Rothchild will exec produce.

Warner Bros. preemptively picked up a pitch from writing team Cooper & Collage (GET SMART) centered on the adventures of Marco Polo. Francis Lawrence (I AM LEGEND) will direct the project, which is said to be more of an action/adventure than straight biopic. Cooper & Collage are also writing TOWER HEIST for Brett Ratner (RUSH HOUR TRILOGY) to direct as well as MOBY DICK for Universal and MOSES for Fox.

Oliver Stone (WALL STREET 2) will direct and produce SAVAGES. Stone and Don Winslow will collaborate on the script based on Winslow’s novel. Story revolves around two Laguna Beach pals who share a thriving business growing and distributing the best-quality pot. When they resist a Mexican drug cartel, the girl that they share is kidnapped and they agree to pay, but plan to get her back, get revenge, and then get lost.

Broken Lizard Industries sold two projects to Universal. Jay Chandrasekhar, Kevin Heffernan, Steve Lemme, Paul Soter, Erik Stolhanske will write and star in ROGUE SCHOLARS, a college comedy revolving around five unruly professors, as well the second untitled project.

Shawn Harwell (“Eastbound & Down”) will rewrite THE CHADSTER for Danny McBride to Star. The Warner Bros. project previously had Todd Phillips (THE HANGOVER) attached to direct from a script by Mike Samonek (THE WHOLE PEMBERTON THING).

Jason Winer (“Modern Family”) replaces Mike Newell (PRINCE OF PERSIA) as director of ARTHUR starring Russell Brand. Peter Baynham wrote the 2009 Black List script, which is set up at Warner Bros.

The controversial life of J. Edgar Hoover will be chronicled in HOOVER, which Academy Award winner Dustin Lance Black (MILK) is writing for Universal and Imagine Ent.

In a three studio bidding war, Fox 2000 picked up the rights to the young adult novel “Incarceration” by Catherine Fisher. Story centers on a young boy who lives in a prison that is a complete society; outside the prison, the world is stuck in the 17th century and run by computers. The boy comes into contact with the warden’s daughter, who lives in her own sort of jail, and they find a key that can change everything.

Dean Parisot (FUN WITH DICK AND JANE) will direct Barinholtz & Stassen’s 2009 spec CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE, which sold to Universal in August with Ed Helms attached to star. Story revolves around an accountant who’s thrown into the world of international espionage after reconnecting with an old friend through Facebook. This would be Parisot’s first project since 2005.

In another bidding war, DreamWorks picked up Justin Adler’s spec script, THE ESCORT. The road-trip comedy involves an irresponsible flight attendant who is forced to escort a 14-year-old passenger to Boston after their plane is grounded.

Seth Grahame-Smith will adapt his own novel, “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.” Tim Burton and Timur Bekmambetov will re-team to produce the history-horror hybrid, which portrays the 16th president as an ax-throwing, highly trained vampire assassin. Burton and Bekmambetov collaborated on the animated feature “9.” Grahame-Smith’s previous novel, “Pride, Prejudice and Zombies,” is set up at Lionsgate.

GILLIGAN’S ISLAND is coming to the big screen with Brad Copeland (WILD HOGS) set to write the script for Warner Bros. The project, which has been in and out of development since 1994, is a contemporary take on the well-known sitcom.

Don’t forget to check in Sunday, where I’ll be doing some live but potentially unentertaining Oscar blogging. Opinions will be made. Anger will be expressed. And absolutely no good will come of it. I say if we can get through the broadcast without Steve Martin getting another facelift, we can call the Oscars a success!

Genre: Action/Sci-fi
Premise: A bomb expert must prevent the human nuclear bomb he created from getting into and destroying Moscow.
About: The Ticking Man sold for 1.2 million dollars back in 1990 (2 million dollars today). Although never made, it was famous for the creative way in which the script was marketed. Each script was sent out with a ticking alarm clock attached. The story (of how it was sold) gained so much traction, that for awhile, creative attempts at getting scripts read was all the rage in Hollywood. The result? A lot of exciting script deliveries. A lot of bad scripts. — One half of The Ticking Man’s writing team is screenwriting superstar Brian Helgeland. Since this spec, he’s written L.A. Confidential (for which he won an Oscar), Mystic River, Man on Fire, and most recently, Green Zone, starring Matt Damon. Manny Coto, the other writer, is probably best known for the show 24, where he’s worked as both a writer and Executive Producer (surely, the ticking time bomb angle helped him get that job). Bruce Willis was tapped to star as Hockett, the lead in the film. Of course, Bruce Willis was tapped to star in every action movie between 1990-1996.
Writers: Manny Coto & Brian Helgeland
Details: 126 pages

Hurt Locker? Who needs The Hurt Locker! Fuck realism. You know, I have to say, I enjoyed Hurt Locker. I thought it was a good movie. But it’s scary the way these studios hype their movies leading up to the Oscars. In order to keep them in the spotlight, they actually have to promote the film as the single greatest film ever made. And hearing over and over again just how great Hurt Locker is only makes me cringe and scrutinize the movie even more. It was a pretty good movie but great!? Let’s jump down from the crazy train shall we?

The Ticking Man introduces another rebellious bomb defuser altogether – anger-management candidate Lloyd Hockett. Hockett, who blew up his teacher’s car with a homemade bomb after losing the school science contest AT AGE 9, has become LAPD’s number 1 bomb expert. Hockett not only defuses time bombs, he’s an explosion waiting to happen himself. Cursed with a hot head (he blew up his science teacher’s car! At age NINE!), you could say that he has a tougher time managing his temper than managing bombs.

What Hockett’s most pissed off about though, is that they don’t let him go in and defuse these bombs anymore. They use those stupid Short Circuit robots with cute names like F.R.E.D. But when FRED is unable to detect that a child is still in the building of a local school they’re supposed to be securing, it’s Hockett to the rescue, running in, saving the boy and defusing the bomb just before it turns them into a bowl of sashimi.

Strong-minded reporter Meg, a whipping girl for a local newspaper, is assigned to do a story on this bomb defusing stuff, and gets a whiff of the boy-saving cover-up job the LAPD is trying to pull at the school. So she searches out Hockett, asking for the truth and nothing but the truth, only to be told, in so many ways, to fuck off.

Meanwhile, at a military base in Nevada, we meet The Ticking Man, a human-looking robot who’s capable of carrying a 20 kiloton nuclear payload in his chest cavity. For reasons unknown, The Ticking Man decides he doesn’t want to be stored on a shelf anymore, and pulls an Andy Dufrane, busting through the wall and marching off into the desert .

Hockett is then kidnapped by the military because, surprise surprise, Hockett BUILT The Ticking Man. Since he’s the only one who can understand why the Ticking Man would want to leave, they need his help to stop him. But they better hurry up, because the fancy schmancy computer programs at the lair are saying that the Ticking Man is following an outdated mission to walk into the middle of Moscow and blow up the entire city! On a more selfish note, I wouldn’t mind an updating of some of the architecture there. Not a big fan of the Kremlin building. Just an observation.

Because they’re not letting Hockett physically chase The Ticking Man, he escapes the military so he can go searching for him himself. Unfortunately, the extremely annoying Meg joins him, still pressing him for that stupid interview about the school bomb. But soon she realizes there’s a much more pressing issue at hand, and that she may be sitting on the story of the century. The two run, skip, and jump after the Ticking Man as he scurries across the country, avoiding the military and delving deeper into Hockett’s anger issues. Will the Ticking Man evaporate Moscow? Will Meg get her story? Will Hockett get really really mad at people who don’t deserve it? You’ll have to read The Ticking Man yourself to find out.

The Ticking Man lands its long hand somewhere between fun and ridiculous. It wears its 90s’ness on its sleeve, and while it coaxes some nostalgia out of you, it just as often coaxes you to check slash-film.com for the fourth time that hour. This 90s vibe can be seen loud and proud in The Ticking Man’s not so subtle attempt to create another type of Terminator franchise. The Ticking Man is essentially a slightly-more confused terminator, and you can imagine a new robotic-type actor – someone who you’d normally never want in your movie – fitting into the role and turning himself into the next Schwarzenegger or Keanu Reeves.

What sucks is that the script is so predictable. And I have my suspicions as to why. I remember at that time, the only book out there about screenwriting was Syd Field’s “Screenplay.” So pretty much any new screenwriter in the business was following that book to a tee. The Ticking Man, I believe, is a victim of this unfortunate reality. Acts break exactly when you expect them to. Twists come right on schedule. Not a single change or deviation from the universally accepted 3-Act structure was taken. And that’s too bad. Cause there were some cool places this could’ve gone. So as Randy would say, 5 times in the same show, “I don’t know dog. I just wasn’t feeling it. I don’t know, I don’t know. What do you think E?”

But before I leave, there’s one quick thing I wanna get off my chest. Am I the only one who thinks these “gotta get the story for the paper at all costs” female sub-plots are worthless? I always feel like, “Who gives a shit if they get the story or not?” Yet this is one of the most common sub-plots in all of film. Am I alone on this? Do I have brothers and sisters represent’n?

In the end, The Ticking Man = A fun premise, but a little too much cheese in the dish. :)

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Can a gimmick help you sell your script? What I’m about to say may surprise you, but I actually think that, yes, it can. There are so many distractions in today’s world, you gotta do something to stand out, to get noticed. Creatively packaging or selling your script may get you noticed in ways traditional routes would not. And it’s been so long since it was done, it may just seem fresh and new. Just make sure that the script lives up to your packaging. Cause I don’t care if you deliver me your script from a helicopter. If it’s unbearable by page 3, I ain’t gonna keep reading.

Genre: Comedy
Premise: A straight-laced college student must find his wallet on his 21st birthday or potentially lose his post-graduation dream job.
About: Sonny Lee and Patrick Walsh, writers on the show “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia,” sold this comedy spec last week to Paramount. This is their first spec script working together. Interestingly, the duo sold the script only a week after they left CAA for ICM. Also, the idea was thought up and is being produced by Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg, who, of course, wrote Harold And Kumar Go To White Castle.
Writer: Sonny Lee and Patrick Walsh (based on a story idea by Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg)
Details: February 16, 2010

Ever wonder how the night in The Hangover actually played out? I’m not talking about the brief glimpses we got through pictures, abandoned babies, and lost teeth. But each insanely crazy detail? 21 Shots is that film. And really, it’s a film chronicling that “legendary” night in college we all had. The one we’ll still be recalling 30 years from now. For me it was Tri-Dorms Destruction Night. Unfortunately I can’t tell that story in a public forum due to fact that I’d probably go to jail for a decade. So I’ll just stick to telling Michael West’s story.

The aforementioned Michael is a lot like Joel Goodsen (Tom Cruise’s character from Risky Business). His overprotective parents have carefully planned out his life so that fresh out of college he’ll have that perfect high-paying job that all parents dream of for their kids. For that reason, Michael’s one of those rare college specimens who actually gives a shit about his grades. While his buddies could spend an entire day looking for the perfect sheet for that weekend’s toga party, Michael would rather studying for tomorrow’s unlikely but wholly possible pop quiz. In fact everything Michael’s done up to this point in life has been in preparation for tomorrow’s dream job interview.

The only problem is that the interview’s landed on the morning after his 21st birthday. And while Michael may have mastered the art of slipping out before the drinks are poured, not even he can escape the clutches of his 21st birthday party. Particularly because his friends, Ian (obsessed with blowjobs) Jessica (obsessed with her asshole boyfriend), and Shane (crazy ex-military weirdo) plan to take him out for the night of his life.

However, just as the wonderful evening begins, the group is mugged, and Michael’s wallet is stolen. If Michael doesn’t have his ID, he can’t get into the club where he’s supposed to schmooze his future employers. If he doesn’t schmooze them, he won’t land the job. And if he doesn’t land the job, everything he’s worked so hard for will be for naught. In other words, Michael must find that wallet!

21 Shots follows a pretty standard formula. Stick your characters in a bunch of fucked up situations and see what pops out. In Michael’s case, he and his friends must maneuver their way through a Training Day like house party, a strip club where Jessica must perform (but is unfortunately wearing her unflattering “period” underwear), dodge a crazy Chechnyan who likes to suck his own dick, and avoid a bizarre homeless man who likes to hump people’s legs (his name, in case you were wondering, is “Humpy The Bum”).

21 Shots is what it is – a comedy geared towards the youngsters. But whereas The Hangover treated its debauchery with a certain amount of class (if that’s possible) 21 Shots has no limits. Ball sacks hang over webcams. Guys suck their own penises. There’s a character whose name is Date Rape (no really, that’s his name). And, of course, let’s not forget Humpy The Bum.

But what surprised me about 21 Shots was that Lee and Walsh were actually trying to say something. And I think this is where you see the difference between an amateur script and a professional one. At its core, 21 shots explores that terrifying transition period when you realize you’re leaving the safe confines of institutional life. Your identity as a student is over. You’re now expected to become an active contributor to society. That’s a terrifying proposition for a 21 year old, particularly because you’ve spent most of your life being told what to do. If you’ve lived your whole life being told what to do, how do you know that what you’ve chosen is what you *want* to do?

So that part I liked about 21 Shots. As for the rest, it’s really a mixed bag. The script labors extensively to set up its premise. So much so that I lost track of where we were and why we were there several times. Michael has to find his ID to get into the club where his future employers are so he can schmooze them before tomorrow’s interview. But while we’re told this is of vital importance, I never understood why he couldn’t just show up the next morning and say his 21st birthday got out of hand and he couldn’t make it to the club. I don’t know any employers who wouldn’t understand that, which calls into question just how high the stakes of Michael finding his ID are. Compare that to The Hangover, whose premise was simple and whose stakes are sky-high: Find Doug before his wedding. So I had some issues with that aspect of the script.

But the big question is, why did it sell? I think there’s always going to be a market for the wacky comedy. The trick is partnering up with the right people. Hurwitz and Schlossberg are becoming major forces in the industry, as they’re almost single-handedly branding the young crazy no-holds-barred comedy angle. They have several of these types of movies in the pipeline, including another project I reviewed awhile ago (and liked quite a bit) that they’re directing. So the industry sees these guys as experts in this market and they trust them. So when they come along with an idea in that wheelhouse, any studio is going to take a good hard look at it, and in this case, they bought it.

For me, with college being a good ways away, it wasn’t quite my thing. Maybe if they’d written a script called, “1 and A Half Beers And A Nap.” That’s something I could relate to.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: 21 Shots uses a lot of pop culture references. There are jokes about Clay Aiken, Brandy, the Duke LaCrosse team, and David Carridine sex games. Using pop culture is always a risky proposition, especially these days, with how quickly media picks up new stories. A joke that’s hilarious today could be dated two weeks from now. And since you never know when someone’s going to read your script, staying topical is almost impossible. For this reason, I advise against it. Anything that dates your script is usually a bad thing. For example, if you make a joke about Britney Spears’ shaved head, I know when your script was written, and it’s already feeling stale. Since these two had Hurwitz and Schlossberg on their team, there’s an understanding that the jokes they’re using are interchangeable. They can always update them once production starts. But for you, the non-producer partner-having writer, it’s too risky. I’d advise to stay out of the pop culture game.

One last note. I know these comedy specs get beaten up in the talkback by the fanboys who are looking for more genre-fare. But I also know that there are a lot of comedy fans who read the site because I get a ton of requests for comedy reviews. Yet you guys never show up when it’s time to discuss the script. That’s what we’re here for. We want to see what scripts are selling or getting made, and we want to discuss why so we can make ourselves better writers. So comedy fans, let’s hear you!

When Roger pitched this idea to me, I loved it. Mainly because I’m always looking for another good book to read, but also because I know he devours books like I devour scripts. So here he is with his article, “Ten Books That Need To Be Movies.” All images are link-ified!

Well, first you mustn’t. You can’t learn to write that way –- by writing directly for the screen. Wait until you’re 30. You’ve got to learn how to write! Screenplays are not writing. They’re a fake form of writing. It’s a lot of dialogue and very little atmosphere. Very little description. Very little character work. It’s very dangerous. You’ll never learn to write. You’ve got to learn to write well and then you can survive. You must write all kinds of things: Essays, poetry, short stories, novels, stage plays, and screenplays. That’s what I do. All those things.

-Ray Bradbury, upon being asked, “But let’s say a young writer really wants to break into Hollywood, how can it be done?”

Narrative is my drug of choice and I’d take it intravenously if I could. But you know what? It’s even simpler than that.

I just love words.

Screenplays are pretty great. They can be pure story (and in some cases, works of art), but for all intents and purposes, they are firstly blueprints for a narrative not told in words, but in images.

And in a world (coughHOLLYWOODcough) where sometimes the best a scribe can do is write a spec that’s “fresh but familiar”, it will come as no surprise that the most narrative freedom, originality, and evolution of pure story is going to be found in the world of books.

A question for you, dear reader: When you read a book, does the language unspool into a reel of words, projecting a movie on the screen of your mind?

Yeah, me too.

And there are some books, where the unfolding story is so cinematic, where the narrative seems just at home inside the cathedral that is a movie theater as inside of the prosaic Pandora’s box that is a novel, that when I finish them, I need to see the movie version immediately.

Here are ten books I would love to see as movies.

1. Severance Package by Duane Swierczynski

Duane Swierczynski is the wheelman for a crew of noir writers that includes the criminal minds of Ken Bruen, Charlie Huston, and Meg Abbott. His sentences pop like strings of firecrackers and his characters are literal time-bombs and human weapons. His plots, which meld noir and espionage, operate like clever traps whose ticking clocks and high-stakes make Crank seem like it moves in molasses-slow bullet-time.

When Jamie DeBroux, a former newspaper man, shows up to his boring PR job at Murphy, Knox & Associates, his boss informs Jamie and his six other co-workers that he’s gonna have to let them go.

Literally.

The fire exits have been rigged with sarin gas, the phones don’t work, and the elevator has been set to bypass the 36^th floor (where they’re located). They are on terminal lockdown.

They are presented with a choice: Drink a poisoned mimosa that will usher them into the Big Sleep, or take a bullet to the head.

Chaos ensues when Molly Lewis, a mild-mannered office girl, shoots the boss in the head, revealing that she is some kind of super-assassin.

In fact, Jamie, the everyman, is surprised to find out that he’s the only one who isn’t a spy. It’s a fight for survival as the spies scatter, forming alliances or going rogue. Also, we notice that the entire floor has been rigged with cameras. Molly seems to be auditioning for a new gig with some type of super-secret spy organization that watches from the other end of a feed in Scotland.

Her test?

To torture and exterminate all the other spies in the building, exhibitionist-style.

Jamie has to somehow survive all of this so he can return to his wife and new-born child at home.

You don’t need any more plot details to know that this is an exciting premise. To mention Diehard, Alias, Hostel and The Most Dangerous Game almost cheapens the experience, but since this is a blog about movies, I guess I should throw that out there.

Severance Package is the ultimate “contained thriller”.

2. The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins

This is a steamrolling behemoth of a tale in the world of YA (Young Adult) Fiction. My twitter feed went apeshit a couple weeks ago when the title and cover of the final and third book was announced. Most of my favorite novels come from the YA Fiction section of the bookstore. And this is without a doubt one of the best.

After the destruction of North America, a nation called Panem rises out of its post-apocalyptic ashes. It is comprised of twelve poor districts and a rich Capitol (which is located somewhere in the Rocky Mountains).

Sixteen-year old Katniss Everdeen is from District 12, which we know is Appalachia because of its coal-rich soil. Her father has been killed in a mine explosion, so Katniss is the sole provider of her family. To feed her sister and grief-stricken mother, she becomes an expert hunter, archer and trapper.

Every year, one boy and one girl are selected by lottery to participate in The Hunger Games, a televised event where the children are forced to fight to the death in a deadly outdoor arena. Its participants are called tributes and the games end only when one tribute is left standing.

When Katniss’ younger sister, Prim, is chosen as District 12’s tribute, Katniss volunteers to take her place.

And like that, we’re off Battle Royale-style.

Things get complicated when Peeta, the male tribute from District 12, publically declares his love for Katniss. The audience goes into a frenzy over the two star-crossed lovers. But is Peeta’s declaration of love just a ploy to win over the audience?

The Hunger Games are so competitive, half of the twenty-four tributes die in the first day. Katniss is able to survive because she’s like a teenage Ellen Ripley or John Rambo. She’s got some skills, man.

The Hunger Games is a four quadrant movie and then some. You’ve got a badass teenage heroine, a riveting love story, a dangerous post-apocalyptic world and visceral first-person shooter action.

Not only that, it’s smart-science fiction with rich allegorical soil.

Let Suzanne Collins write the screenplay, let Kathryn Bigelow direct it.

‘Nuff said.

3. Sharp Teeth by Toby Barlow

This free verse novel has all my favorite things: the raw-knuckle peril of crime fiction, the somber horror of the werewolf tale, and the quest for redemption required of true noir. All told in a tapestry of multiple story threads. Kinda like a modern day Beowulf, but with werewolves.

Anthony Silvo is lonely. He takes a job as a dog catcher. It’s what he perceives to be a simple job, but soon discovers it’s a lot more dangerous than he could have ever imagined. The man he’s replacing, a catcher that sold a few dogs to a fighting circuit, has disappeared. He soon finds himself in the world of the drug trade. If that’s not all, Anthony also falls in love with a mysterious unnamed woman who might possibly be a werewolf.

Lark is leader of the most dangerous wolf-pack on the streets. A lawyer whose pack controls the undercurrents of power in Hollywood (think film agents who are really werewolves), he is ultimately betrayed and finds himself trying to start a new pack from scratch. His motivation is to get revenge against the pack of lycanthrope hitmen who are attemping to take over the LA crime world.

Detective Peabody follows a blood trail and is strung along by a mysterious man who hints that something else has been set loose on the streets besides impending gang warfare. He may or may not discover a race of beings that can change back and forth into dogs.

All these threads are woven together, the story culminating into all-out war on the streets of LA. Consider this tableau: Blackhawk helicopters and snipers unleashing hell on things that are, apparently, more than human.

If there’s ever a werewolf story that could work on screen, it’s this one. It has the potential to be a supernatural crime epic. It’s Traffic, but with fang, fur and claw.

4. Boneshaker by Cherie Priest

Think John Carpeneter’s Escape from New York but set in an alternate Civil War-era Seattle. In 1860, the Russians are searching for gold in the Alaskan ice. Leviticus Blue creates a machine called Dr. Blue’s Incredible Bone-shaking Drill Engine for the job, but at a demonstration gone awry, ends up drilling through several Seattle blocks, releasing a gas called the Blight. As banks are looted and people are killed, Leviticus and his machine disappear in the chaos.

And the Blight?

It turns people into rotters (zombies)!

Fast-forward to the 1880s and the Blighted remnants of Seattle have been walled off. Briar Wilkes, the scorned widow of Leviticus and outcast of the Great Blight, scrapes by with her teenage son, Ezekiel, in the Outskirts. The rest of America is a dangerous Civil War Zone ravaged by the machines of war (read dirigibles and steampowered tech). On a mission to exonerate his family’s name and discover the truth about Leviticus, Zeke dons an antiquated Blight-mask and ventures into the Blighted city. When an earthquake destroys Zeke’s only escape route out of the city, Briar sets off in an airship to rescue her son.

It’s an American steampunk world ruled by the eerie Dr. Minnericht, who wears a skull-like gas mask of pipes and valves and views the world through glowing blue lenses. The atmosphere is thick with yellow gas and air pirates conduct their trade over the city in giant zeppelins.

It’s hard to deny that this novel would make one helluva a movie. In many ways it’s a family adventure story about hope. But how many family adventures have zombie chases, cyborg barmaids and steampunk weapons named Doozy Dazer? Not a lot! Sure, it’d be expensive, and many of the actors would be wearing gas masks for much of the screen time, but hell, we can all dream right? At the very least, pick up the book and check it out for yourself. It’s worth it for the cool cover alone. And if you can’t get enough of Cherie Priest’s writing, I recommend her Eden Moore trilogy, the supernatural Southern Gothic novels Priest cut her teeth on.

5. The Stars My Destination by Alfred Bester

He was one hundred and seventy days dying and not yet dead…

Gully Foyle is shipwrecked in space. A brute, a mental simpleton, he’s been alone on the Nomad for six months, waiting for rescue. When a spacecraft named the Vorga arrives to scope out the ship, Foyle sets off signal flares. The Vorga ignores him and continues on its way.

This is where something interesting happens to Foyle.

This snub triggers his rage and he is driven by only one thing. Revenge. But because Foyle isn’t that smart, and doesn’t realize that something like the Vorga is piloted by actual people, the object of his vengeance becomes the Vorga itself. This galvanizes him into action and he soon finds his way back to Earth. Through it all, he develops the ability to “jaunte”. Which is basically teleporting through the power of the mind. Of course, the thing is, no one has ever been able to jaunte through outer space.

When an attack on the Vorga fails, he is thrown into the Gouffre Martel, a series of underground caves in the Pyrenees. He’s tortured by Saul Dagenham, a brilliant scientist who can only be around other people for a limited time because he is radioactive. It’s a prison of total darkness, and it’s so disorienting Foyle can’t jaunte away (he has to be able to form a picture of the location in his mind). It’s here that he meets Jisbella McQueen, a woman who educates him and teaches him how to properly hone and cultivate his revenge.

Because this is a retelling of Dumas’ The Count of Monte Cristo, Foyle escapes the prison and transforms himself into a rich, educated dandy. He’s also used his wealth to enhance his nervous system with military tech that allows him to burst into combat at super-human speeds. He uses all resources available to him as he goes after the individual people who were aboard the Vorga.

Do I really need to explain why this would make an awesome action movie? Alfred Bester is kinda the father of cyberpunk, as he was playing with its concepts in 1956 when he wrote this novel. There’s fascinating and inventive set-pieces, not limited to kidnapping telepaths on Mars to infiltrating a catacomb fortress where inhabitants live in total sensory deprivation to battles with physically enhanced commandos.

The book is a tour-de-force, and in the right hands, would make a classic revenge-fueled science-fiction thriller.

6. Alabaster by Caitlin R. Kiernan

Caitlin R. Kiernan has been described as the spiritual granddaughter of H.P. Lovecraft. Besides Cormac McCarthy, she is probably my favorite modern day novelist. An amazing prose stylist, her novels and short stories are dizzying, lyrical pieces with powerful imagery that is comparable to the work of someone like Angela Carter. Adapting any of her novels is going to be a tough (but rewarding) gig for any A-list filmmaker, and I remember reading somewhere that Guillermo Del Toro was flirting with her novel Threshold.

I believe her most cinematic work is a melancholy and razor-sharp short story cycle called Alabaster. These five stories, which tick by and fit together like a sinister grandfather clock, are just brilliant pieces of storytelling.

Dancy Flammarion is a thirteen-year old monster killer on a mission. An albino, she has haunting visions that may or may not come from some type of guardian angel, telling her to seek out “the ancient monsters who have hidden themselves away in the lonely places of the world.” These spells slowly drive her mad and test her sanity. She sets forth on foot from the swamps of North Florida, armed with only a duffel bag and a very large knife, hunting creatures from Heaven and Hell on the red-clay Georgia and Alabama backroads.

To quote Publishers Weekly, “the fey girl is one of many human avatars fighting small skirmishes on earth that have cataclysmic repercussions across planes of reality. In Les Fleurs Empoisonnées, Dancy is taken captive by a matriarchy of necrophiles whose decaying mansion is a nexus point for perverse and grotesque phenomena. Bainbridge interweaves multiple story lines that cut across time and space to show the far-reaching efforts of Dancy’s to exorcise an ancient evil infesting an abandoned church.”

It’s going to take a genius fantasy and horror filmmaker to bring this to celluloid, but if you’ve read the stories, you’ll agree with me that it’s something that needs to be done. There’s no doubt in my mind that there’s a director out there who was born to make this happen.

If you love monsters and monster hunters, character-driven, mind-bending horror stories, fairytales, rich mythology, and just plain balls-to-the-wall storytelling that sings of pure imagination, then do yourself a favor and order a copy of Alabaster right now. You won’t be disappointed.

7. Best Served Cold by Joe Abercrombie

My parents have always fed me books. In middle school it was The Lord of the Rings trilogy. A few months ago it was Joe Abercrombie’s First Law series. And I love filmmakers like Martin Scorsese and Quentin Tarantino, and although Abercrombie writes fantasy, it was apparent that he loves these filmmakers, too. It’s another case of cinema inspiring an author, and I love that overlap.

Monza Murcatto, an infamous mercenary and general for Duke Orso, is getting a little too influential and respected for her employer’s tastes. Orso believes that he can become king of the land by coming out on top of the civil wars raging between the competing city states, but he’s scared of Monza. So, he lures her and her brother into his palace and has them killed. Monza and her brother’s body are tossed off a balcony and left on a mountainous incline.

Of course, Monza is still alive. She’s suffered massive injuries and she’s found and nursed back to health by a strange surgeon. She’s still pretty fucked up (one arm is pretty much useless), but this doesn’t stop her from putting together a fascinating team of death dealers.

There’s Shivers, a remorseful barbarian from the Northlands who is kind of the moral compass and foil to Monza and her dark vendetta. There’s Morveer, the master poisoner and his ambitious assistant, a gamine named Day. There’s Friendly, a Rain Man-like serial killer who is obsessed with numbers and wields cleavers. And there’s Monza’s ex-mentor, Nimco Cosca who was once the leader of an army known as The Thousand Swords, but is now a drunk who is a savant with a sword.

Monza is fueled by hatred and rage to take down the seven men who plotted and witnessed her betrayal. Yes, this is a Point Blank revenge story set in a fascinating fantasy world that’s just as gritty as the best noir settings. There are awesome set-pieces set against the scope of heists, break-ins, cities under siege, and civil war. Not only that, but when Orso realizes that Monza is still alive and is after him, he employs the most feared bounty hunter in the land to take down her team, a guy who can seemingly bend the laws of time and space and who fights in a style I like to call gore-fu. It’s scary shit.

It can be adapted into a stand-alone movie, or if you want to capture every nuance and moment, would feel at home as an HBO mini-series. It’s a story that will have you laughing maniacally at the sheer spectacle and rage in one scene, to weeping softly in another. If people are looking for the next bloated epic fantasy to adapt, why not pull a hat trick and pick this stand-alone tale that will appeal to fans of not only high fantasy, but crime capers and the cinema of violence?

8. The Forest of Hands and Teeth by Carrie Ryan

With this book, I’m gonna have to quote a titan of YA Fiction, Scott Westerfield.

Zombies have been metaphors for many things: consumerism, contagion in an overpopulated world, the inevitability of death. But here they resonate with a particularly teenage realization about the world –- that social limits and backwards traditions are numberless and unstoppable, no matter how shambling they may seem at first.

And so it goes with Carrie Ryan’s The Forest of Hands and Teeth, a book that begins seven generations after the zombie apocalypse. Mary lives in an archaic village under a matriarchal religious sect called the Sisterhood. They enforce tradition and everything about Mary’s life, from birth to marriage to death. The village is surrounded by a chainlink fence, and no villager is allowed to cross this threshold unless they want to die in the forest, which is populated with zombies.

Mary spends her days dreaming and questioning the traditions of the Sisterhood. She wants to know about technology. She wants to know what caused the Return. She wants to know about romance, about love. Her crazy mother is the one who tells her tales about a mysterious place filled with water, an “ocean” that is free from the danger of the undead. When the Unconsecrated breach the village’s defenses, Mary ventures into the forest to find another safe haven, perhaps another village like her own.

And it’s weird to say this, but this is a moving story about searching and pursuing your dreams, about following your heart, even if it’s in a post-apocalyptic world where zombies are trying to eat you. It’s the type of rich novel I imagine only a woman raised on zombie movies and coming-of-age novels could write, and it’s all the more powerful for it. Although it’s probably unfair to say this, but I think The Forest of Hands and Teeth is the movie M. Night’s The Village should have been. With a female teenage heroine, romance, and zombies, what other bases does a movie need to cover? Audiences will eat this up. I promise.

9. Already Dead by Charlie Huston

Let’s talk about Charlie Huston for a moment. I think any of Charlie’s books could make a great movie. I could write about all of them (except Sleepless, haven’t read that one yet, but it’s sitting on my desk here), and I’m faced with the problem of only picking one. And in the spirit of picking something that’s anti-Twilight, I’ll choose the first in his pulp-noir horror Joe Pitt Casebooks.

Huston has created a Middle Earth-like Manhattan, a parallel universe whose underworld is ruled by vampyre clans. There’s the largest clan, The Society, corporate suits who rule midtown from 14^th street to Harlem. There’s the East Village Society, basically a group of progressive liberals. To me, the most interesting is a group called The Enclave, who are the smallest but the most feared. They live in a lower West End warehouse starving themselves to nirvana, whose bodies have found a balance with the raging vampyre virus, giving them super-supernatural speed.

Joe Pitt is a rogue, constantly scrambling and hustling to survive. In true Chandler-esque fashion, Pitt takes two jobs: He’s hired by Marilee Horde, a prominent New York socialite whose daughter Amanda has gone missing and may be slumming with homeless goth kids in the East Village; and The Coalition hires him to find and destroy a “carrier”, basically a science experiment that’s bringing unwanted attention on the undead community because it’s spreading an infection that turns people into shamblers (more zombies!).

It’s a very entertaining foray into a world populated by Stoker archetypes. There are Renfields (humans who want to become vampyres), Lucys (those who have over-romanticized vampires and dote over them like groupies), Minas (who know the truth and fall in love with them anyways), and the occasional Van Helsings (vampyre killers). It’s just a great fusion of Chandler, Cormac McCarthy, and horror. What astounds me the most about it is the moral sophistication of the tale and the exploration into the nature of evil that lies within its pages.

It’s no surprise to me that the screenwriter of Johnny Diamond, Scott Rosenberg, bought an option on this book in February 2007. I think it’s a good match and I hope they’re able to make it happen. Until then, I recommend any of Charlie Huston’s books, especially if you like both crime and horror.

10. Peace Like A River by Leif Enger

Last but not least is a novel that doesn’t contain the usual story staples I’m interested in. Nary a zombie, monster, sword, steampunk setting or action set-piece to be found. I suppose this is something that could be categorized as a “literary novel”, in the sense that it’s not horror, science-fiction or fantasy, and that it contains beautiful language.

It also contains miracles.

Reuben Land appears to be born still-born, and the first miracle appears when his father, Jeremiah Land commands, “In the name of the living God I am telling you to breathe.” And he does. Eleven years later we’re in the 1960s and Rube’s dad is a widowed school custodian. Jeremiah struggles to raise Rube and his two siblings, Davy, who will become an outlaw, and Swede, a precocious girl who writes poems about cowboys and gunplay.

Our story takes off when Davy shoots down two bullies and brigands during a home invasion. He’s put on trial for murder, but he ultimately escapes the jail and heads towards the Badlands. This turns the Land family on its head and it’s not long before Jeremiah puts Rube and his sister in a car and they’re off to find Davy before the FBI does.

The whole time we’re praying that this broken family will be reunited, and through a child’s eyes, we watch the father grapple with the concepts of justice, a father’s duty, and morality. It’s a prosaic and wondrous tale, as beautiful as the worlds contained in the snowflakes Enger writes about.

A simple story told beautifully, not unlike something as heartwrenching and true as Crazy Heart. Because of the lens it brings into the world of hope, love and the supernatural, I much prefer this book to something like The Lovely Bones. I believe this could be a magical movie, a character study in the vein of Southern Gothic stories like A Love Song for Bobby Long, Sling Blade or The Apostle, except the difference here is the setting isn’t the South, but the wondrous winter wonderland of Minnesota. The nature and weather are just as important as the characters.

It’s a tale about true heroism.