When I put together this whole Logline/Screenplay Contest idea, I knew it was going to be a learning experience. Choosing 100 loglines from a field of 1000 seemed like a logical move after my previous contest. In that contest, 6 out of every 10 scripts I read contained subject matter that I had little interest in. I gave every one of them an equal shot, but as any reader knows, if you’re not interested in an idea, the script is much harder to read. I figured if I could pick 100 loglines that I knew I might like, that a key weakness in the contest structure would be eliminated. Although I’d probably take this same approach again, I’d also listen to what some of the savvier readers suggested, which is to give more weight to the “professional” loglines. People who understood how to craft a “proper” logline were usually better writers (not always – but usually). Not because crafting a “professional” logline has any bearing on writing a screenplay. It just means that that writer has probably been at it longer, and was therefore more experienced.
After that stage, the top 100 logliners sent me their first 10 pages (or a one page synopsis). For the most part, this worked, although I was disappointed with just how many writers had a really good first 10 pages, and then couldn’t back them up. And I think this might be due to the biggest flaw of my contest. People were using the contest to force themselves to write their script. As a result, many of the scripts in the Top 25 felt rushed. I suppose writers rush any script they’re trying to finish for a deadline, but because of the specific structure I used – giving writers only a month between the announcement of the 10-Page winners and when they had to get their full script in – my entries were more rushed than usual. I’d like to figure out a way to fix this for future contests. It may be as simple as lengthening the contest. Though a six month contest is a hell of a long time to wait.
As for the ten page test itself, for the most part, it works. While writing a good first ten pages doesn’t guarantee that the rest of a script will be good (a lot of these scripts dive-bombed in the second act), if your first 10 pages are bad, it’s almost a guarantee that the rest of the script will also be. The only exception is slow-moving understated character pieces, which take awhile to get going. But those are few and far between.
Another thing I learned is that comedy loglines are the hardest to gauge. Although there were a few funny ones, by and large, a funny comedy logline did not translate into a funny script. Also, I’ve noticed that, in general, comedy writers seem to care less about character development than other writers. They believe if they can string a bunch of funny scenes together, that they’ve done their job. Since the second act is pretty much all about the characters, this is where a lot of comedies went to die.
In the end, I was able to find one “impressive” script, which I’m a little disappointed about, because I was hoping to find at least three. Every other script had things I thought could’ve been improved. But all three of the top scripts were good reads for their own reasons. Without further ado, let’s get to it. As announced at the beginning, all three winners will receive 3 pages of free notes from yours truly (E-mail me if you’re interested in rates). And the number 1 script will be reviewed this Friday. If demand is high enough, I’ll also review the second and third place scripts next week.
VOLATILE (Thriller) by William C. Martell (Los Angeles) – Eddy lost everything: his job, his house, his wife. Spends his final unemployment check drinking, wakes up with fresh stitches. Stolen kidney? Implanted bomb. Anonymous caller gives him six one hour tasks: Steal a car, steal a suit, steal a gun… assassinate executives from the company that fired him!
E-mail: wcmartell@scriptsecrets.net
THOUGHTS: The thing I liked most about Volatile was just how focused it was. Watching so many screenplays lose sight of what they were about was disconcerting. You always knew what the protagonist in Volatile’s motivation was. You always knew what the stakes were. It makes for an exciting ride.
KILLER PARTIES (Comedy) by Ben Bolea and Joe Hardesty (Los Angeles) – In the frozen Alaskan tundra, where the sun rarely rises, four best friends struggle against the most terrifying experience of their young lives…graduation.
E-mail: BenBolea@gmail.com
THOUGHTS: Killer Parties almost won the competition. While it wasn’t the best script of the competition, it’s probably the one I enjoyed the most. I love how a high school comedy is set in a place completely unfamiliar to high school comedies – Alaska. Also, this is the most authentic feeling high school script I’ve read in a long time. I think with a couple of rewrites and some guidance from the kind of manager who likes and understands the material, this could end up becoming a classic film about high school.
OH NEVER, SPECTRE LEAF (Comedy) – By C. Ryan Kirkpatrick and Chad Musick – After a freak plane crash, an awkward teenage boy must enlist the help of a sexually frustrated dwarf, a smokin’ hot cyborg, and an idiot in a bunny suit to defeat the Nocturnal Wench Everlasting and restore sunlight to the bizarre land of Spectre Leaf.
E-mail: flanagancrk@aol.com
THOUGHTS: It’s rare I read a script where I’m just blown away by the writer’s talent. Kirkpatrick and Musick’s are those kinds of writers. Their writing was by far the best in the competition. It reminded me a lot of when I first read Fiasco Heights. These fucking guys took a totally out there bizarre concept and did what so many writers fail to do, they made it work. From cover to cover, these two knocked it out of the park. Can’t wait to tell you all about it. Tune in on Friday for the review!
SPECIAL MENTIONS…
LOUISIANA BLOOD (thriller) by Mike Donald (Oxfordshire, UK) – When five victims of JACK THE RIPPER turn up in a swamp more than a century after their deaths, thousands of miles from the crime scene, an English Detective and a Louisiana Sheriff form an unlikely duo to unravel the ultimate conspiracy and reveal the Rippers true identity.
E-mail: touchwoodpicturesltd@hotmail.com
THOUGHTS: I was juggling between Louisiana Blood and Volatile for the Number 3 slot. The twists and turns in this script were a lot of fun, and it’s just a great premise. The only problem was that it was a little slow. If a producer or manager were to work with Mike on this, up the stakes, inject a little adrenaline, this script could sell.
FRANK VS. GOD (comedy) by Stewart Schill – When his home is destroyed by a tornado, and the Insurance Company informs him that the claim falls under the ‘Act of God’ exclusion in his policy, David Frank decides to sue God himself for damages, beginning a hilarious and soulful odyssey to a surprising final judgment.
E-mail: stewartschill@att.net
THOUGHTS: Schill came close. Frank Vs. God is a fun well-written screenplay, but I feel like he misjudges the tone in places, going too dramatic in some spots, and too broad in others. Still, I like high-concept comedies and this is one that almost got it right. Even though it didn’t win, I enjoyed it.
HYPOXIA (thriller) by Daniel Silk – A woman under Witness Protection awakens on a 747 to discover the pilots and passengers unconscious, the plane depressurized and masked men hunting her. With oxygen and fuel rapidly depleting, she must grapple with surrendering herself to save the 242 people on board.
E-mail: danielsilk85@gmail.com
THOUGHTS: The fight for the Best First Ten Pages wasn’t even close. Hypoxia had me on the edge of my couch with my jaw on the floor for its first ten. Just a great action sequence. The script was a little uneven in places, which is why it didn’t place higher, but if I need an action-centered rewrite, I’m calling Daniel.
Donnie and Clint Clark for their script – Roanoke Jamestown: American Patriot (comedy) – The untold story of one of America’s founding fathers, Roanoke Jamestown, and how he got deleted from history.
E-mail: dclark0699@gmail.com
THOUGHTS: I don’t think these guys are there yet. But I think they will be. I’d actually read another script of theirs under different circumstances, and they have this unique offbeat humor that you can’t teach. I never quite know what to expect when I’m reading a Clark script, and they didn’t disappointment me here. Their intricate knowledge of our nation’s history is a little freaky. Though that may have something to do with the fact that they’re both teachers.
FINAL THOUGHTS
If I were giving advice to any screenwriters thinking about entering contests, I’d say, don’t rush your script. If you’re rushing to *polish* the script, that’s one thing. But if you’re rushing to get a first draft done in time, I can guarantee you it’s not going to do well. They’re just so easy to spot. Also, while I was happy to make this contest free, I feel like a lot of writers used that as an excuse to throw anything at the wall to see what stuck. With nothing lost by entering, maybe I didn’t get the best of what writers had to offer. I’ll probably change that next time. Overall, this was a fun experience. It was long, it was hard, and there were a few streaks where I ran into some…shall we say…difficult to read material. But I want to thank all of you for making this happen. Without your appreciation for the site, nobody would be interested in finding out who won this contest. So thank you all. Let’s do it again soon. :)
This is going to be a weird week. No review today (Monday) because it’s the official announcement of the first, second, and third place scripts in the First Annual Scriptshadow Logline/Screenplay Contest. I will be posting the winners at 3:00 pm, Pacific Time. So that should be fun.
On Tuesday, Roger will be reviewing a long gestating Hollywood project that may or may not ever see the light of day. On Wednesday, all sci-fi fans will want to tune in, as I’m posting an interview with a very popular writer on the site. Thursday, guest reviewer Michael Stark will be reviewing a script based on the most popular character in film history. And finally on Friday, I’ll be reviewing the winner of the Scriptshadow Contest.
So buckle your seat belts. It should be a fun ride. :)
As always, here’s Jessica Hall with another Weekly Rundown. Make sure to show her your support. This girl works hard!
Carson last second edit: Chris Sparling of BURIED fame wisely capitalized on his Sundance buzz by going out with a new spec this week titled “ATM.” The spec quickly sold to The Safron Co. and Gold Circle Films. It’s about three co-workers who end up in a fight for their lives on what was supposed to be a quick stop at the ATM (I likewise end up in a fight when I go to the ATM – a fight to keep a positive balance).
Black List writer Steven Knight (CURVEBALL) is set to adapt the third film in the Dan Brown’s “Da Vinci Code” franchise for Columbia. THE LOST SYMBOL follows Robert Langdon to Washington, D.C., where he must decode symbols of the Freemasons. Hanks has yet to commit, but is expected to. (http://bit.ly/d0v1kb)
Pennekamp & Turpel’s 2009 spec GET A JOB, which sold to CBS Films, attached director Will Gluck (FIRED UP). Story centers on a college graduate and his friends who are compelled to lower life expectations when they leave campus for the real world. (http://bit.ly/9k3Pyy)
Jeremy Brock (LAST KING OF SCOTLAND) will write an untitled feature, based on a true story about the murky world of slave trading in contemporary London, for Gabriel Range (DEATH OF A PRESIDENT) to direct. Film has wrapped its London shoot and begun production on location in Kenya. (http://bit.ly/bOEJni)
William Broyles Jr. (POLAR EXPRESS) is set to adapt THE STORY OF EDGAR SAWTELLE for Universal. Project is based on the novel by David Wroblewski that was featured by Oprah’s Book Club. Story revolves around a mute teenager who lives on a farm in Wisconsin with a family that has raised a coveted breed of dog for generations. Winfrey produces along with Tom Hanks. (http://bit.ly/d2dT5K)
Matt Stone’s (INTOLERABLE CRUELTY) rom-com spec THE ROMANCE WRITER sold to Fox 2000. Story centers on a man who has secretly enjoyed an extremely successful career as a romance novelist while writing under a female pseudonym. Things get complicated when he falls for a woman who turns out to work for his new publisher. (http://bit.ly/coAr9G)
No writer has been announced to adapt Michael Lewis’ book THE BIG SHORT, a chronicle of Wall Street greed and the swollen U.S. housing market. Brad Pitt is producing for Paramount and is eyeing the project to star. Michael Lewis is also the author of stalled Pitt vehicle MONEYBALL as well as THE BLIND SIDE. (http://bit.ly/aOpl0O)
ENCHANTED 2 moves closer to production with writer Jessie Nelson (FRED CLAUS) joining director Anne Fletcher (THE PROPOSAL). It’s not yet known if the cast of the first film, namely Amy Adams, will return. (http://bit.ly/bqcKYf)
McG (TERMINATOR: SALVATION) signed on to direct THIS MEANS WAR from the current draft by Tim Dowling (SHE’S OUT OF MY LEAGUE). Project, which has prior drafts by Burr Steers (17 AGAIN) and Marcus Gautesen, is about two best friends fighting over the same woman who wreak havoc on Manhattan. Bradley Cooper and Reese Witherspoon are attached to star. (http://bit.ly/cb7A7a)
UNTITLED MUPPETS MOVIE, based on a pitch by FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL writers Nick Stoller (2007 Black List) and Jason Segal, attached James Bobin (“Flight of the Concords”), who replaced Stoller as director. Segal wrote the draft. (http://bit.ly/cfrVYO)
Writer Chris Morgan and director Justin Lin are re-teaming on FAST & THE FURIOUS 5 aka FAST FIVE. Vin Diesel and Paul Walker have signed on to star. (http://bit.ly/bq3O2M)
Louis Mellis (44 INCH CHEST) will write THE PRINCESS’ GANGSTER, about Princess Margaret’s affair with gangster-turned-movie-tough-guy John Bindon for Smuggler Films. (http://bit.ly/bmuUQm)
Producers Parkes/MacDonald are looking for a writer for a new DreamWorks project based on the Museum of SuperNatural History. Story will center on the curator of a covert organization who must seek out and protect the world’s best-kept secrets. (http://bit.ly/axjjxe)
Genre: Horror-Comedy
Premise: Two hillbillies are accused of being killers by a group of college kids camping near the duo’s cabin.
About: Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil was shot up in Canada, and made its world premiere at Sundance, where it was purchased by Maple Pictures. Alan Tudyk, who will be familiar to Joss Whedon fans, plays the part of Tucker. Eli Craig and Morgan Jurgenson, the writers, met in USC film school and have mainly been working on short films in various capacities (producer, editor, electrician). This is their first feature film, which Craig also directed. You can learn more about the film and Craig in this interview he did with Firstshowing.
Writers: Eli Craig and Morgan Jurgensen
Details: 106 pages (April 9th, 2009 Draft)
Whenever I review a script, I open up a separate document to keep track of characters, keep track of key plot points, and to jot down any necessary screenwriting knowledge gained from the experience. It’s something I don’t really like doing, because it prevents me from just reading and enjoying the screenplay. Well every once in awhile a script comes along where I don’t have to do any of that. Cause the script is so simple and so straight-forward, that I can read the whole thing in one sitting and, gasp, remember it all. Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil is definitely one of those scripts.
Now this can be seen as a good thing or a bad thing. Good because scripts are supposed to be easy reads. Bad because even in the simplest of genres, you would like to have some complexity in your story. I think it’s safe to say that if you have a character running into a woodchipper, complexity is not a priority of yours. But hey, this is neither here nor there. What’s important in the end is: Did it work? And the answer is…well…for the most part, yes.
Tucker and Dale are two hillbillies looking to spend a weekend at their new “vacation home” up in the mountains. Tucker is the “brains” of the group, a natural leader. If he were leading a group of zoo animals and retarded children that is. The big-boned Dale may not have inherited Tucker’s intellect, but the man’s got a heart the size of an Appalachian mountain. Unfortunately for poor Dale, he’s plagued with self-worth issues, and is afraid he’ll never have the confidence to talk to a woman. Tucker is constantly trying to pump up his confidence, but poor Dale is a hopeless cause.
In the meantime, a group of 9 college kids are also planning to spend some time in the mountains. While the majority of them are clichés (created as so), the two that matter are Allison, a beautiful girl who doesn’t quite fit into the college mold, and Chad, a slightly weird control freak who believes Allison belongs to him (she doesn’t). The two groups run into each other at a local gas station, and not surprisingly the college kids assume that Tucker and Dale are freaky cannibal serial killing hillbillies.
Once Tucker and Dale get to their house, they quickly set off fishing, only to stumble across Allison accidentally bumping her head, passing out, and falling into the lake. Naturally, Tucker and Dale come to her rescue, with Tucker forced to give her mouth-to-mouth. The other college kids come upon this event right at that moment, and obviously assume, in the dim light, that Tucker is eating her face, and will probably take her back to his lair to chop her into a million pieces.The drunk group decides to band together and get Allison back, and our movie officially begins.
Dale and Tucker have no idea the college kids are scared of them, and therefore have no idea what’s going on when they attack. The thing is, the college kids are so incredibly stupid, that in all their fear and rage and drunkeness, keep accidentally killing themselves. Dale is digging a “shitter hole” to go to the bathroom but the kids think he’s digging Allison’s grave. So they charge after him with a spear, only to trip, fall into the hole, and land on the spear themselves. Tucker is innocently trying out his woodchipper, unaware he’s being charged at from behind. Just by coincidence he moves to grab a new piece of wood, and the kid goes flying into the woodchipper. Once Tucker and Dale do start to see what’s going on, they wonder why a bunch of college kids have all of a sudden turned into castoffs from M. Night’s “The Happening.” (I’ve been trying to work in a “Happening” reference for 3 months now)
In the meantime, back at the house, Allison comes to, and Dale is forced to overcome his fear of talking to women. The pair begin to form a friendship, and possibly even more. However when the last of the college kids, Chad, turns out to be even worse than any killer hillbilly in history, Tucker and Dale and Allison must fight to save their lives.
Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil is what it is. A clever twist on an age-old assumption – that all hillbillies are obviously inbred murdering psychopaths. So you don’t want to dig too deep with your analysis. But the reason this premise works is that it preys on our expectations. We expect for the Hillbillies to be the killers, so it’s unexpected and funny when it’s the other way around. The problem is, the writers don’t continue to use this technique. The opening is pretty much the only time our expectations are played against. And that results in a dangerously lengthy mining of the same joke over and over again.
I think what saves this screenplay though, and keeps Tucker and Dale vs. Evil from becoming another half-ass comedy screenplay, is simply how lovable these two characters are. There aren’t any gimmicks here. We just like these guys cause they’re genuine nice cuddly hillbillies. By upping the douchebaggery of the college kids, our attachment to them becomes even stronger, as we want to see them defeat them.
I probably won’t remember Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil a few months from now, but I don’t think the writers expect you to. They just want you to enjoy 107 minutes of ridiculous gory fun, and in that sense, the script succeeds.
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: I was just discussing this with some writers the other day. One of the biggest mistakes I see young comedy writers make, is they assume that you don’t need character development in a wacky comedy. Nothing could be further from the truth, and it’s your incorporation of character development that will set you apart when your script gets read. It doesn’t have to be Shawshank Redemption, but you should find something in your protagonist(s) that they’ve always had trouble overcoming, and explore that over the course of the screenplay. In Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil, its Dale’s issues with self worth. He doesn’t believe in himself, which is manifested in his fear of talking to women. Had they not added this, there wouldn’t have been a lot to do once Allison woke up in the house, and the writers probably would’ve been forced to come up with a bunch of funny scenarios that had no connection to anything, and were therefore boring. But it’s this simple character exploration that gives a basic horror-comedy an advantage over all the other wacky comedies out there. I’m telling you, it seems like it shouldn’t matter. But I promise you it does.
Genre: Drama/Comedy
Premise: After her 18th birthday, a young girl and her brother go looking for their sperm-donating biological father, who subsequently becomes a part of their lives.
About: The Kids Are All Right stars Mark Ruffalo, Annette Benning and Julianne Moore and is directed by one of its writers, Lisa Cholodenko. Cholodenko’s first film was “High Art,” and her second was the underappreciated character-piece, Laurel Canyon, starring Christian Bale and Kate Beckinsdale. “Kids” went into Sundance way under the radar but came out one of the big winners, as audiences seemed to love it, and Focus Features bought the film.
Writers: Lisa Cholodenko & Stuart Blumberg
Details: 122 pages (March 2009 draft)
Just when I was starting to give up on the Sundance crop, this script jumped into my pile, did a dance, and gave me hope again. Within ten pages I could tell why audiences at Sundance loved it. While it’s not as broad as, say, the hit TV show “Modern Family,” it explores a lot of the same themes – namely that there’s no such thing as a simple family anymore.
First we meet Laser (grr, I know – I don’t like the name either), an emo-ish 15 year old who’s looking for a father figure. His sister is Joni, 18, beautiful, seemingly perfect – yet she has some issues getting in touch with her emotions. Their first mom (yes, I said “first”) is Jules, in her 40s, emotionally fragile and constantly trying to keep it together, and rounding out the family is Nic, the “other” mom, a doctor who cares more about her career than her wife. Meet the Allgoods.
Because Joni has just turned 18, she can now officially file to find out who her biological father is. Joni could care less about her father though. It’s daddy-hunting Laser who’s been waiting for this day. Since he knows his moms will flip if he even broaches the subject, Joni is his only lifeline to meeting the man who supplied half of his genetic code. With only weeks before Joni leaves for college, it’s either now or never. With plenty of annoyed resistance, Joni puts in the call. After the father allows his name to be released, a phone call is made and a meeting is set.
The two head off on their secret mission, which is how we meet Paul, the “father” in question. Paul not only grows vegetables in his own garden, but does so to provide fresh ingredients for the RESTAURANT HE OWNS. He’s cool, he’s funny, he’s intelligent, he’s hip. He is basically the COOLEST DAD EVER. He had Laser at Hello, but it’s the puddle of drool under Joni’s chair that’s most surprising. What was supposed to be the equivalent of dropping Laser off for a play date has turned into a two hour love-fest. In this seemingly perfect man’s eyes, they see an entire piece of their lives that they missed out on. And it’s time to start making up for it.
Jules and Nic, who it should be noted have begun to drift apart, are horrified when they hear about Laser and Joni’s field trip. Although they claim their disappointment stems from the fact that the kids weren’t open and honest with them, maybe, just maybe, it’s because they feel threatened.
But these worms are so far out of the can you might as well stick a hook in’em. Paul is digging Joni and Laser just as much as they dig him, and before you know it, he’s coming over for dinners and birthdays, integrating himself into the family’s life.
While Jules quickly warms up to Paul, Nic is increasingly threatened by him. It’s hard enough to control a family that’s slowly slipping away from you, but adding Paul to the equation is like coating those tensely gripped fingers in oil. And when Paul hires Jules to work on his garden – a new profession of Jules’ that Nic is clearly opposed to – well that’s pretty much the end of the line. She knows nothing about this family will ever be the same again.
The Kids Are All Right is just a really good little screenplay. It takes a tried and true formula – dump an unpredictable variable into a bowl of constants, mix, see what happens – and milks it for everything it’s worth. But watching Paul infiltrate the Allgoods with his innocent charm, winning them over one by one, wasn’t just fun because of the endless amount of conflict it created. It’s fun because we know it can’t possibly last. We know that sooner or later it’s all going to crash and burn. And as much as we’re dreading it, there’s that naughty side of us that can’t wait for the carnage.
But what really makes this screenplay shine is the character work. I got into some heated discussion the other day regarding the plotlessness of another Sundance screenplay, but believe it or not, I don’t require a plot in everything I read. IF. If the character’s internal journey is clear. In The Kids Are All Right, everyone is trying to overcome the defining faults that have shaped their lives. Because these flaws are laid out so clearly, the lack of plot doesn’t matter, because we understand what our character’s need to accomplish by the story’s end.
When we meet Laser, we see how jealous he is watching his best friend play with his father. When we meet Joni, we see that she’s unable to emotionally connect with the man who loves her. When we meet Jules, she’s listening to self-help tapes, obsessed with finding emotional balance. And with Nic, we see that she’s unwilling to make an effort in her marriage. Since each individual problem is presented to us as soon as we meet the characters, there is no confusion over what they must overcome – an issue that plagues poorly constructed characters. I think this is one of the most essential components to good character work, and “Kids” knocks it out of the park.
But probably the most powerful aspect of all when it comes to The Kids Are All Right, is that it leaves a big smile on your face. It makes you want to make changes to your own life. It makes you want to go work on your own screenplays. In short, it does what we’re all desperately trying to accomplish. It inspires.
Script link: Link taken down
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[xx] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Giving us any sort of time frame for your story puts us at ease. It lets us know exactly where the story is going and when it’s going to end. It’s why ticking time bombs, in all their forms, work so well. But not every story requires a character to get to the other side of the city within 90 minutes or his wife blows up. When your screenplays are more character-driven, consider adding “soft ticking time bombs,” time frames that maybe don’t have a direct effect on the storyline, but gently keep it focused. In The Kids Are All Right, we have Jules working on Paul’s garden. And more definitively, Joni’s moving off to college in a couple of weeks. These are soft reminders that the story is approaching an end point, and in the process keep us focused. If you hear the criticism that your story is “wandering,” add a few soft ticking time bombs to bring your readers focus back where it belongs.
