Okay, so Intense Debate sucked. For whatever reason, it didn’t work on the most popular browser in the world. And when comments just started disappearing on Bubba Ho-Tep, that was the last straw for me. So out with the old, in with the new. On to the next service! I’m not going to give Disqus near the leash I gave Intense Debate. If this doesn’t work, it’s back to generic comments (despite its own problems) and I’m never thinking about comments again. Test it out and tell me what you think.

Genre: Action/Comedy/Romance
Premise: A conservative woman goes on a blind date only to get wrapped up in a game of international espionage.
About: To be directed by James Mangold (Walk The Line), this picture will star Cameron Diaz and Tom Cruise. Originally written by Dana Fox, it was then rewritten by Patrick O’Neill, and finally, in this draft (spookily dated Halloween 2007) by one of the best screenwriters in the biz, Scott Frank. It appears Mangold and Shutter Island writer Laeta Kalogridis are doing current revisions, because the script was deemed “too coherent” by the producers (okay, I made that last part up). Speaking of producers, Todd Garner, Kathy Conrad, Steve Pink, and Joe Roth are onboard for Wichita. Because Cruise’s career is considered by many to be in a serious state of limbo, Cruise was very careful in choosing his next film, cycling through a number of potential projects. He finally decided on the character of Milner in Wichita (Wichita is more of a code-name than anything. The city never appears in the script. This project is not to be confused with one of my favorite screenplays I read all year, the 2006 ultra violent Black List screenplay “Wichita.”) To see if this was a wise move by the man who never stops smiling, read on.
Writer: Scott Frank (109 pages)

When you’re in a script rut, like I’ve been the last couple of weeks, you start to distrust every script you open. All the scripts you’ve tagged as interesting begin to look decidedly uninteresting. You think you might have reached that point where you’ve seen every possible story and are no longer able to be entertained. I heard Sumner Redstone is like that. He’s heard so many ideas and seen so many movies, that he’s unable to be entertained anymore. Ugh, what a terrifying thought. All of this leads to a general lack of trust when a new script comes your way. Even if a few lines impress you or you hear yourself chuckling, it’s always followed by a grumpy under-your-breath, “lucky.” But then magically, the funny lines keep coming. The characters are interesting and relate-able. Before you know it you’re breaking out the vanilla coke and pepperoni hot pockets and having yourself a party. A script is exciting again! Which is why I’m so happy “Wichita” came around when it did.

June is a company woman plugging away. She’s the one who gets to the office before anyone else and has coffee ready for each and every co-worker (ahem – talk about making your character likable). But June is unfortunately under the same deceitful impression the rest of us are, which is that all this work we’re doing somehow means something. Of course, it doesn’t mean anything. It just means that the company gets to exist tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that. But what is it she (we’re) actually doing with our lives? After her free-spirit mother goes off on another ridiculously expensive spontaneous vacation, June finally realizes the truth: She’s lonely. She isn’t very fun. And the only thing all this work has done is prevent her from finding her soul mate. It is through this revelation that she decides to step out of her comfort zone and try the dreaded internet dating.

At first the experiment couldn’t be any more of a disaster. She’s the pretty woman all dolled up in the middle of the restaurant who’s clearly waiting for someone we all know is never going to show up. The reality of the moment hits her like a ton of bricks and her already fragile state leads to her bawling right then and there. It’s at this moment we cut outside to see the impeccably dressed and saintly suave Milner, a man who seems to be in quite a hurry, and is constantly looking over his shoulder. Could someone be following him maybe? Milner spots the crying June in the restaurant, gets an idea, slides in and falsely poses as June’s blind date. As the deftly mannered Milner jokes with the waiter in another language, June believes that maybe, just maybe, her luck is turning around. But oh how her luck is soooo not turning around.

Whoever’s chasing Milner forces him to slip out discreetly, leaving June to absorb a second blow on an already devastating night. She drives home, sobbing about her luck, only to randomly HIT SOMEONE with her car! Oh shit! She gets out to check who it is. It’s Milner! He jumps in, tells her to drive, and lets her in on why he had to leave so suddenly. The man he’s being chased by, Ackerman, used to be a partner of his. The two have created a battery that will never die. The perfect energy source! Of course, an unlimited energy source means the end of some of the biggest companies in the world – who for obvious reasons aren’t too keen on the batteries hitting the market. Which means they’ll do anything in their power to kill Milner and destroy his damn battery. Luckily Milner is a secret agent in one of the most secret agencies in the world. In fact it’s so secret, nobody’s ever heard of it! Needless to say, he’s well-equipped to deal with any one or any thing pursuing him. Oh, and there’s one more thing about Milner: HE’S FUCKING CRAZY. He’s like a new-school clean-cut version of Riggs from Lethal Weapon. Neither we nor June ever know if he’s lying or telling the truth! Which means this whole battery thing is probably a big lie. Which leads to the obvious question: Who is Milner and what the hell is he running from?

June wants no part in these shenanigans but that’s not an option anymore. Now that she’s been spotted with Milner, they’ll want to kill her too. They’re in this together. Milner will occasionally drug June when she’s getting in the way of fighting the bad guys and wake up in the most random places when she comes to: a deserted island or the city of Rome for example. It seems like Milner has a hiding place everywhere. But the bad guys (we actually find out in Wichita that there are bad guys and then there are “worse guys”) are never far behind. They occasionally catch June and try to get her to double-cross Milner but Milner’s already fifty steps ahead. He knows the game and the people who play in it are always his pawns. But something about June ruffles him. Does he actually…like this woman? Because Milner’s such an expert liar, even going so far as to lie to himself, we’re never sure.

There are so many great moments in Wichita. For example after a big car chase, June is through and demands Milner let her go. He stops the car and actually says ‘fine, go ahead.’ Then out of nowhere a helicopter appears so he yanks her back inside and calmly offers: “Okay, listen to me very carefully and do exactly what I say. Here, I need you to take this gun and start shooting at the helicopter. Just keep shooting until it falls out of the sky or explodes.” Lines like this are why I couldn’t stop laughing.

I know I made a point in my Bel Ami review to single out that most dialogue doesn’t impress me. I only notice it if it’s atrocious or over-the-top. But I definitely need to amend that statement after Wichita. The dialogue here is top-notch from beginning to end. It’s funny, it’s fresh, it’s snappy, it’s unexpected. I was so caught up in it, in fact, I didn’t even realize it was moving the story forward. Usually it’s easy to pick up on when characters are pausing to offer the audience a plot point. Here, it’s seamless.

Guess who’s back? Back again. Guess who’s back. Tell a friend! It’s Roger Balfour capitalizing on all the vampire mania with a review of Bubba Ho-Tep’s sequel: Hubba Bubba Something’s In The Tubba! Or something like that. I like when Roger reviews scripts because he always sees the best in them. It’s a reminder that I can be a bit too critical at times (not that I’ll change). Anyway, the good news is I’ve already read this week’s scripts, and while I’ve ranked a certain upcoming action-comedy-romance a strong ‘worth the read’, there is a 1.75 million dollar comedy spec from a few years back that was absolutely dreadful. I also have a dark psychological supernatural thriller that may be starring two gorgeous actresses. And finally a black list entry from 2006 that should get supporters of films like “The Squid And The Whale” and “Rachel Getting Married” excited (if they’re not too hopped up on anti-depressents that is). And hey, we should have a couple of script links as well. If I may quote Anakin Skywalker: “Yipeeee!” So let’s start it off with a little vampire action, shall we? Take it away Roger…

Genre: Horror, Black Comedy
Premise: Elvis shoots a film in Louisiana when he runs afoul a coven of she-vampires.
About: The sequel to 2004’s Bubba Ho-tep.
Writer: Don Coscarelli & Stephen Romano. Based on character by Joe R. Lansdale.

Bruce Campbell. As Elvis. Fighting She-Vampires.

Let’s get real, people.

You already know if you’re going to like this or not. You either loved Bubba Ho-tep or you hated it.

Wait.

Bruce Campbell has parted ways with the project? Pump the fucking brakes. Who the hell can bring the same classy B-movie gravitas to the role of the King? Who else can possibly bring a legendary Horror hero pedigree to the table other than the chinned-one?

Ron Perlman, that’s who.

Okay. So Campbell is out. Perlman is in. Campbell left over creative differences and writer changes. Giamatti is fucking in, as they say, to play Colonel Tom Parker. And this yarn sets up the third film.

Yep, Bubba Insert Classic Horror Creature Here is a trilogy. And writer-director Don Coscarelli envisions different actors playing Elvis for each sequel.

But didn’t Elvis die at the end of Bubba Ho-tep?

Yeah, and The Lone Ranger died when you saw him and Silver fly off the cliff during the last commercial break.

This is the serialized pulp story template. Heroes don’t die. They survive. Their living-legend status has equipped them to asexually reproduce new adventures. Or in Elvis’ case, another geriatric black comedy romp into the woods of Hammer Horror staples and EC-comic shenanigans.

So, nope. Of course Elvis didn’t die.

In fact, Bubba Nosferatu starts off right as Ho-tep ends. Cut to Nurse Ella in her bed, awakened by the death rattle of a four-thousand year old Mummy. She runs out of the Shady Rest retirement home, down an embankment and into the creek where Sebastian Haff, aka Elvis, lies in his soiled white jumpsuit, unconscious.

Nope. Ella ain’t gonna let him leave the building just yet. She straddles his chest and performs CPR, resuscitating the King back to life.

But during his near-death experience, instead of seeing a white light, he sees a horrible montage of suppressed memories…

A gold-plated revolver.

A flash of a demon vampire’s sharp teeth.

A spray of blood as faces twitch and contort in agony.

And the center-piece to this sequential Boschian tableau, the diabolical countenance of Colonel Tom Parker. Who will now be referred to as “The Colonel” from here on out.

Seventy-three year old Elvis wakes up in the back of Nurse Ella’s car. We learn that Elvis has been kicked out of Shady Rest. After all, he did give an actual sworn statement to the authorities stating that he battled a supernatural creature, and the resulting clash of iconic characters left behind a corpse. That of his only friend, eighty-three year old Jack “JFK” McLaughlin. Ella has been fired. We never find out why, exactly, but what the hell, the Devil’s in the details, right?

They’re on their way to The Big Easy. Ol’ Tiger has been transferred, and Nurse Ella has been tasked to deliver Big E to The Grand Dauphin Retirement Home in New Orleans, right on the waterfront, in exchange for a week’s worth of room and board while she looks for a new job. For her, the barter’s just fine.

But thing’s ain’t so fine for The Pelvis. There’s some real bad mojo, you see. It has to do with a movie picture Elvis got bamboozled into by The Colonel back in ’73. A picture that shot on location in The Crescent City. And Elvis has good reason to be suspicious because, according to his fragmented memories, some really weird vampiric shit went down on this movie shoot.

But hold on, we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

I want to talk about The Memphis Mafia. Now here’s a sequence, 8 pages into the script, that had me crying in front of the computer screen. It’s so great I wanted the movie to de-rail and turn into a story about these goofy fuckers. We get the vital stats of Otis Flanger, Cooter Mayhew, Shelby Jenson, and Marshal “Stack” Malone via glorious slow-motion, majestic freeze-frames, and multiple-split screens showcasing these curious characters in various out-fits and poses like we’re watching the titles to a 1970’s-era Cop Show.

They face off against Young Elvis, who sports his stylish, red-trimmed Martial Arts Gi. Of course, his T.C.B. insignia (Taking Care of Fucking Business to the ignorant) is emblazoned on the uniform. They get their asses handed to them. But you know, if you’re elite enough to be in the Memphis Mafia, you know that the unspoken rule is never let Elvis lose. And the sequence segues into what Elvis likes to call the Three-up Cover Formation. Which is a dazzling whirling-dervish of Young Elvis and his team attacking all flanks with punches and kicks and really intense 70’s soundtrack theme music. It’s classic martial arts stuff that comes into play later…when Young Elvis and the Memphis Mafia have to fight their way out of a she-vampire bloodbath slash orgy.

Yep, that part’s pretty awesome.

What about the rest of the story?

Rehash the plot of the first movie. Septuagenarian Elvis arrives at his new rest home. He’s frustrated about the boil he mistakes for cancer on his penis. He smears it with yellow dick goop. He exchanges witty banter with Nurse Ella about said dick and goop. Old people die mysteriously. Instead of flying scarab beetles elderly Elvis does battle with flying vampire bats. Instead of a tragicomical black dude who claims to be JFK, we have a tragicomical Native American dude who claims to be Chief Sitting Bull, leader of the Sioux Nation and slayer of General Custer.

Sure, he’s a neat character. After his role at Little Bighorn, The Chief joins Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show. When a Paiute medicine man has a heart attack, Mr. Bull attempts to help him. The shaman is at death’s door, and he calls on The Great Spirit to bless him with eternal life. There’s a mix-up and Sitting Bull, instead of the medicine man, is struck by lightning. The Great Spirit has infused him with immortality. That’s right, The Chief can’t die.

Which comes in pretty handy for Elvis, because, let’s face it, he’s an old dude with a walker who will later engage in fisticuffs with she-vampires from an ancient Clan. He’s gonna need muscle like Sitting Bull.

But unfortunately for Sitting Bull, his blessing has become a curse as he’s spent the past 97 years being shuffled across old-folks homes all across the continent.

Anyways, it turns out that The Colonel employed some of his manipulative mojo to have Elvis transferred to The Grand Dauphin.

What the hell? The Colonel’s still alive?

Alive isn’t really the right word. Now, “undead”, that’s about right. Just like we’ve always known, Elvis’ manager is a vampire.

Here, have some of The Chief’s peyote buttons and let’s talk to the spirits. See who the real bad guy is.

You see, back in the 1940’s, while The Colonel was just a man, he fled Amsterdam under the suspicion of murder. He ingratiates himself into a family of rogue gypsies to learn his trade as a swindler. Except, one night, he attempts to dip the pockets of the wrong man. Prince Franz Black is his name, and being a vampire is his game. The Colonel is eventually turned and made a slave to Prince Black, under whom he sets up shop. He’s kept on a short leash by The Prince. His job is that of plunderer. He helps finance the Clan’s western expansion. He makes a killing investing in retirement communities, which also serve as way-stations for Black and his entourage where they can visit and feed on the livestock as needed.

But The Colonel’s first love is the music business.

And Elvis is his work-horse. But when his work-horse partially falls out of the limelight, it becomes time to insert some much-needed juice into his top earner’s career. He gets the fancy to orchestrate the King’s comeback into the movie business. Only problem is, it turns into a bloodbath.

What’s the new Elvis movie?

It’s called “The Curse of the She-Vampires”. And Elvis is gonna play a freelance demon hunter who moonlights as a nightclub singer to rid the world of vampires. His co-star is Claude Killgore, a third of the Unholy Triumvirate that included Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi.

The production goes to hell as Prince Black’s wives crash the party, unable to contain their bloodlust. Young Elvis dons his black leather jumpsuit designed by the meet-cute art-department girl, Jill. It’s a real beauty. Taken from the template of his ’68 comeback suit, it’s crafted into a vamp-proof, reinforced leather outfit. It’s actually fang-proof, kiddies. Armed with a gold-plated revolver, brass knuckles, throwing stars, and blades, and with the Memphis Mafia as back-up, they fight their way out of the blood orgy.

But during the blood riot Elvis is attacked by one of the wives. She attempts to bite him and she actually breaks a fang on the suit, but the other fang scrapes his flesh. He’s inflicted with a curse when he’s in proximity to the clan, so when Old Elvis gets to New Orleans, he starts to regress in age. He gets a little younger, kinda like Benjamin Button, but not that full-throttle. The curse seems to be a minor detail in the story, as it’s not really played to full-effect.

So Young Elvis, The Memphis Mafia, and Jill escape the she-vampires. Prince Black tightens the leash on The Colonel and somewhere along the way, Elvis hurts himself throwing his hip out during a performance and he loses part of his memory. He trades places with Sebastian Haff, who is then metaphorically sucked dry by The Colonel and Prince Black as they work him to death.

In present day, The Colonel’s grand scheme is to get back in business with Elvis. So all of this is precursor to the ultimate business meeting: An aged Elvis, a vampiric Colonel, and the shark Prince Black.

But the Prince could care less. The Clan Matriarch, Momma Nosferatu, an abomination in a wheelchair, who is so old she no longer needs blood, decides she’ll break her fast for Elvis. Another blood-bath ensues and Sitting Bull’s curse is broken as he sacrifices his life to save Elvis and Nurse Ella. Yeah, I don’t know how it’s broken. It has something to do with Prince Black’s supernatural power and Sitting Bull’s exposure to it. Don’t ask me, I only read the thing.

Does it deliver?

There’s the rub. This baby is a strange beast. The writers manage to capture that elusive Nacogdoches-flavor of Joe R. Lansdale quirk (is that a “Late Night” Doritos flavor? You be the judge.) Stylistically, anyways. But the problem here is the decision to tell two stories.

So it’s kinda like reading a sequel AND a prequel at the same time.

They try to braid the story lines together, but it just doesn’t work.

One story is way more entertaining than the other.

I dunno, I think the novelty of a geriatric Elvis wears thin two movies in. And when you just rehash the gags from the first film, it grows boring. Like Old Elvis, it just made me feel tired.

I kept gravitating to the story about Young Elvis. It kicks ass. The characters are more interesting, the dialogue is zippier, and it’s a faster world. There’s also some hilarious commentary about the movie business, and The Colonel is a fantastic character.

That’s so fuckin’ Giamatti.

I mean, you can taste the guy sinking his teeth into this role.

But again, it’s a frustrating read. I can’t help but wonder what Joe R. Lansdale could have come up with. I mean, if he were to write another novella called Bubba Nosferatu, what would his take on things be? And I wonder if Bruce wondered the same thing. Is that why he dropped out of the project? Alas, speculation.

But yeah, this sucker ends with Old Elvis and Nurse Ella stranded on the side of the road. Their car has died as they driving out of New Orleans. The last shot is of Ella pushing Elvis down the road in his wheel-chair before they cue the title card for the return of Elvis in:

“Bubba Sasquatch, Killer Apes of the Northern Woods”.

**link removed**

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] barely kept my interest
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: If you have funny yellow dick goop commentary in your first movie, it might not be that funny in your second movie. Seriously though, this script made me think of creating great gags. Those scenic exclamation points that sequences revolve around. Here, The Memphis Mafia is a great concept, and their Three-up Cover Formation is a great gag. So great it pretty much steals the movie. The Fang-Proof Jumpsuit is a cool concept, and the gag is that we get to see an awesome shot of a vampire’s fang breaking off on it. These are clever, entertaining moments that get the blood flowing. Gags make the story pop, unfortunately, they can’t save the story alone. But a good gag is the punch-line to your action scenes, and it’s always nice to experience the pure invention of a successful gag.

Ever since I saw Neill Blomkamp’s short masterpiece, “Alive In Joburg,” I became obsessed with him. I googled the shit out of everything that even remotely sounded like “Blomkamp” and when I found out he was doing the Halo movie, it was a bit like I imagine heroin must feel like. Or your first Krispy Kreme donut. Well we all know how that fell apart and Bloomkamp seemed to disappear off the planet. I was so bummed because I felt like we were missing out on a unique new voice who was totally going to change the way Hollywood made movies. Then the announcement came that he was turning “Alive In Joburg” into a feature film called “District 9” and it was a little bit like I imagine crack must feel like. Or your first animal style double-double. Because these days trailers tell us the entire movie and since this was so low on the summer radar, I knew the marketing team would be forced to show every great shot in the film, I avoided it all. And today, I went into District 9 knowing absolutely nothing about what I was going to see other than that giant ship in the sky and a lot of South Africans.

Even after all that hype, I still walked away amazed. We’re looking at the next James Cameron here folks. Sci-fi like this has never been done before. Within two minutes I actually believed this was happening. That aliens had landed on our planet. — I’m not even going to get into all the unique choices Blomkamp and co-writer Terri Tatchell made. I’d just like to highlight a clever screenwriting move of theirs and how it affected the entire movie. Without it, the movie wouldn’t have been the same.

In the film, the very first shot we get of the aliens is in their ship, all huddled up, cowering away from the light, malnourished, sick, and terrified. It’s 3 seconds of screentime and yet it sets the tone for how you’ll perceive them for the entirety of the film. You feel sorry for them. In other words, you sympathize with these creatures. Without us sympathizing with the aliens, without us wanting their life to be better or wanting them to get back home, the movie doesn’t work. So that single shot has a huge impact on us.

This can be applied to any character in any screenplay. Introduce them in a terrible situation and we’ll want to root for them. Human nature is that we don’t want bad things to happen to people who don’t deserve it.

And oh yeah. If you’re even remotely interested in sci-fi, go see this movie!

A lot of people have asked me what screenwriting books I recommend. I’ve read about 30 of them and these are the five I like the most (all books are linked):

For the beginner:

After you’ve written a few screenplays:

Advanced (written 5 or 6 screenplays):

Once you’re ready for the market (business side of screenwriting):

As for other popular books, I’m not the biggest fan of Robert McKee and therefore don’t recommend “Story”. It’s very dense and too scientific. You can drive yourself nuts trying to write a screenplay under his rules. Although I don’t discourage people from buying “Screenplay” from Syd Field, I think it’s a bit outdated. A lot of people love “Making A Good Script Great” by Linda Seger but I just didn’t connect with her approach for some reason. There are a lot of middle-of-the-road books that I’d rather not take the time to mention, however, if there’s a book you really love and think people should know about, please leave it in the comments section.