Although nobody called for my head, there were definitely some heads being scratched after my extremely favorable review of Law-Abiding Citizen. I thought the script was one rip-roaring thriller that never slowed down and always kept you guessing. I loved it enough to put it in my Top 25. Well the trailer has finally hit over at Apple and I have to say, it looks just as good on-screen as it did on the page. My only beef with the script was the ending. If they took care of that, we could be looking at a great thriller this fall.

Genre: Comedy
Premise: Recent college grads are forced to lower their expectations as they enter the job market.
About: CBS Films picked up Get a Job last month. Writing duo Pennekamp and Turpel recently penned the drama “Crowley,” (Harrison Ford, Keri Russell) which is shooting right now, as well as having numerous projects in development. The two are repped at CAA.
Writers: Kyle Pennekamp and Scott Turpel.

Man, it’s been a tough week here at Scriptshadow. Four reviews and I haven’t read anything I liked. Although it’s easy to forget amongst the challenge of getting up five reviews a week, I really love reading screenplays. Every script is like a Christmas present to me. I can’t wait to open it up and see what’s inside. Getting a lot of shitty presents this week made for a pretty awful Christmas though. Luckily I had one gift left. The one all the way at the back. I wanted something that was going to make me forget every script before it. “Get A Job” seemed like just that present. A couple people already told me it was hilarious. And the premise is one of those premises you know is comedy gold. Recent college grads trying to find jobs in this economy?? That’s got Hangover potential. So no more machetes. No more Twihard fans. No more Gordon Gekko or scripts to remind me that one of my heroes passed away. All I wanted was a good solid funny screenplay.

Did I get it?

Ummmm…

Uhhhhhh…

What a weird screenplay “Get a Job” is. The script plays out like a documentary you might see on one of those obscure cable channels you didn’t know you had until you accidentally flipped onto it at three in the morning. As I just mentioned, we follow the lives of four recent college grads entering the big scary job world, and they quickly learn that nothing is as easy as they thought it would be. But it’s not really a story. It’s more like we have four subjects and we follow them into their new lives. Miles works as a “Genius” at the Apple Store. Charlie works as a 6th grade teacher in the inner city. Luke works on the trading floor. And our protagonist, Will, is supposed to have a job at a magazine company. Except on his very first day…he gets let go.

The script falls squarely into the observational category, as we witness the four endure the challenging and sometimes embarrassing world of working your first job. There’s no real centerpiece driving the story other than Will’s pursuit of employment which is why the documentary comparison kept popping up in my head. Once we get settled (which takes a good 60 pages) a subplot emerges where Will and his girlfriend, Jillian, try and figure out where they want their relationship to go. See Jillian dumped Will after college because Will didn’t take life seriously enough. He’s not prepared for the real world and his inability to find anyone to hire him pretty much validates Jillian’s decision to move on. When Will realizes that the real world (unlike college) actually requires you to *try*, he becomes a whole nother person, not only finding a job, but quickly working his way up the ladder. It’s through this dedication that Jillian allows Will back into her life, and then in the irony of all ironies, she loses her job. Everything is turned on its head as the two are now in the exact opposite positions from where they started.

There are some other things going on. Will runs a blog called “WhiteGuyBlackCock.com” which is his little social commentary on the world. The script occasionally drops in on Luke, Charlie, and Miles, but it feels more like a necessity than a choice, as the characters are never given that much to do (although Luke having a meltdown after losing a bunch of money at work is kinda funny). I also liked the subtle commentary on our generation being a bunch of entitled douchebags. Will feels that things should just fall into place for him when he leaves college, but of course that’s not the way it works. Looking back at my first job, I remember feeling the same way. I *deserved* to be there. I shouldn’t have to feel thankful for it.

I guess I’m disappointed in “Get A Job” because it didn’t take enough advantage of its premise. I wanted to feel the pain of these characters, feel their fear. But in the end I never bought that they were in any real danger – that if they lost their jobs, anything real terrible was going to happen to them. I guess I just wanted more to *happen*. But the seminal question with every comedy is simple: Was it funny? Well…to me it wasn’t. But to be honest I think that had more to do with my sense of humor than these guys not being funny. However there is one line I loved. When Luke has gone from the top trader in the office to the lowest rung on the ladder, he dejectedly laments about his bedroom: “Now the Bone Zone will become the Alone Zone.” That gave me a good chuckle.

There’s a chance this was an early draft because the script is a whopping 125 pages and I didn’t think it needed to be a line over 105. There’s a lot of unnecessary fluff in here. Anyway, this wasn’t for me. But it was purchased and I know two other people loved it so hopefully you can find it and form your own opinion.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] barely kept my interest
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Observational comedies light on story need to be SHORT. If we have a clear, strong goal for our protagonist, the audience is going to give you some leeway. But if we’re just watching people live their lives, nobody wants that to be a two hour experience.

In case you’re interested, I did a guest review for the guys at LatinoReview. The script is “Machete” by Robert Rodriquez. “Machete” was born out of a fake trailer Rodriquez made to play in front of “Grindhouse.” It was so widely loved, he decided to make an entire movie out of it. Robert DeNiro and Lindsey Lohan are in the film. Talk about nuts. Go check it out.

Genre: Period Romance
Premise: Set (I think) in early 20th Century Paris, a penniless journalist worms his way into the city’s upper crust, seducing all the ladies in his path.
About: Robert Pattinson is in it. What more do you need to know?
Writer: Rachel Bennette (based off the short story by Guy de Maupassant)

Would you trust this man with your wife?

Oh R_Patz. Where art thou R_Patz? What the *hell* are you doing R_Patz?? Did you even read the script you signed up for? No you didn’t, did you. You so did not read it. But you were interested in making this movie R_Patz weren’t you? Yes you were. You were interested in making this movie because the coverage said you’d be spending the majority of the 120 minutes banging three of the hottest actresses in Hollywood. Yes you were R_Patz. Don’t you lie to me Mr. Sharp Fangs. We both know the truth. Because here you were Mr. Twilight Vampire Man thinking you would get the pick of the litter. Three sultry celebrities you could take back to your coffin every night after filming. Real sex after fake sex. Menage et quatro. Be honest with me R_Patz. That’s why you signed up for this movie, isn’t it?

Well because you didn’t read the script, let me break it down for you. Your character, Georges, is a bit of a low life. He’s slumming it up in Paris circa sometime-a-long-time ago (the author chose not to disclose the actual year because she hates me). Apparently Georges used to be a soldier, but the only thing he fights now are the gargantuan cockroaches that try to share a blanket with him in his tiny attic apartment.

Low and behold though, wouldn’t it be Georges Porgies luck that he runs into an old friend while trying to spend his last two shillings on a low-class whore. The friend, Charles, has since become very rich, running his own newspaper, The Parisian. Charles offers George a job at the paper, despite the fact that Georges has never written anything in his entire life.

The job and Charles’ friendship allow him a tiny opening into Paris’ upper crust, which he exploits to the nth degree. You see Charles’ and his two best buddies just happen to be married to the three most beautiful women in France. There’s Madeline, Charles’ impeccably smart and beautiful wife. There’s Clotilde, the slutty one. And then there’s Luc Rousset, the innocent Redhead. I think we all know where this is going, right?

Yes, Georges begins to seduce the women one-by-one with varying degrees of success. He starts off with Madeline, who he has the strongest connection to, but she thwarts his advances and claims, “I will never be your lover.” So he moves on to the easiest target, Clotilde, who is so slutified that she actually buys the two a bang bungalow, a special place exclusively for their daily bang. But this is not enough for Georges. He craves excess. And when Charles succumbs to some distant cousin of the Bubonic Plauge (an early version of swine flu maybe?) Georges swoops in and marries his true love, Madeline.

Oh but if it were that easy. After marrying Madeline, he learns that she just isn’t that interested in him. In fact, she pulls out the virtual chastity belt and basically tells him “You do your thing, I’ll do mine.” So what does Georges do in return? What do you think he does! He makes a move on Luc Rousset (who’s a woman – I know, it’s confusing) and starts a dangerous fling in the bang bungalow that Clotilde bought specifically for them. If there was a Renaissance version of Cheaters, this shit would be ripe for the season finale.

Because Georges is a moron, he doesn’t realize that you never cheat on anyone with a girl with red hair! Because when a red hair shows up in your bed, you can’t explain it away. “Uhh, maybe your hair is turning red?” Doesn’t work. I’ve tried it. So Clotilde leaves him. He leaves Luc Rousset. And Madeline won’t even return any of his texts. Is this Bel Ami or The Real Housewives of Atlanta?

Anyway, Georges ends up just as poor and helpless as where he started in the movie, before making a last-second power play and marrying Luc Rousset’s daughter of all people (who up til this point hadn’t even spoken a line). It was such a bizarre turn of events I sent my life size poster of Robert Pattinson to the closet for a time out. Luc Rousset plays the least important role of the three ladies, so what they were trying to say by having Georges marry her daughter is a complete mystery to me.

There were some good moments tucked into Bel Ami. The relationship between R_Patz and Madeline was interesting, as she tended to treat him like he treated everyone else. But outside of that, this felt like a salacious excuse for a bunch of smelly French sex.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] barely kept my interest
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: All joking aside, if you have an unmarketable screenplay, try to target actors who like taking chances. Very few A-list actors would take on a role like this and therefore Bel Ami was destined to wither in screenplay obscurity. But Pattinson seems interested in trying new things (he’s also playing a Cherokee Indian in Unbound Captives) so a script like Bel Ami is something he might actually read. The owners of the material took a chance and it paid off. As writers, you’re always looking to add to the “package” of your screenplay with actors and directors. Even if you have a slow non-mainstream piece, if you’ve done your homework and know a few actors who might be interested in your offbeat independent film (Dicaprio with The Low Dweller, Pattinson with Unbound Captives, Nicolas Cage with Leaving Las Vegas), you might find your script going from unwanted to the hottest screenplay in town. Now getting to those actors is another thing altogether. But it’s another avenue to pursue.

p.s. If you’d like to read about a much better Robert Pattinson project, go here.

EDIT – FURTHER THOUGHTS ON BEL AMI: So I’m kind of getting deluged with e-mails from Twilight fans saying I didn’t give the script a fair chance and that I was snooty in my review. They also want more details. So let me say a couple more things.

The thing I liked best about the script was the character of Madeline. She informs Georges from the beginning of their marriage that he can never question her, and cannot be jealous. She is her own woman and expects to be treated as such. Within weeks Georges begins coming home to suspicious visits by an older man named The Comte. It doesn’t take George long to start suspecting that something’s going on between The Comte and his wife. But a healthy dose of denial convinces him his wife can’t possibly be interested in this old bag of bone. Madeline’s icy response to his desperate attempts at closeness finally level the playing field of a man who’s been playing by his own rules without consequences. As they’re both pretty despicable people, watching their marriage deteriorate is quite fun.

The character of Luc Rousset is also quite funny, as she clings desperately to Georges after even a whisper of an interest from him. As he has sex with her the first time, she screams out, “I love you! I love you! I love you!” over and over again. Man, and I thought my ex was clingy. When his world starts crumbling around him, he literally kicks Luc Rousset to the curb, telling her she makes him sick and that he never even had the slightest interest in her. To add insult to injury, he ends up marrying her daughter.

There’s also an uninteresting sub-plot about the men at The Parisian taking advantage of France’s invasion of Morocco – buying up a lot of businesses so that when the country officially becomes theirs, they’ll all be rich. They purposefully exclude Georges from the club, ensuring that he’ll end up with nothing, which he becomes extremely angry about – despite the fact that he’s been fucking all their wives behind their backs.

A few people have asked me about the dialogue. I have a very simple philosophy about dialogue. Unless we’re talking comedy, the more invisible the dialogue, the better. The only time I notice dialogue is when it’s really atrocious or really over-the-top. I dislike both. When dialogue flows with the story organically, it should feel like real people talking, and in that sense, Bel Ami does a good job. The dialogue was smooth and realistic, even with the extravagances the script sometimes took.

If you have questions, please ask in the comments section instead of e-mailing me as that way, future readers can have their questions answered as well.

Ed Helms of The Hangover is attached to this script that just sold to Universal. Helms’ character is an accountant who gets tangled up in the world of international espionage when he finds a long lost friend via Facebook. Hmm…is it just me or does this sound a lot like the NBC show, “Chuck.” Which Universal also owns. Well, either way, it’s a spec script sale in a dry market so if you have this one, please send it over. I’d love to give it a read.