Wow. So I received over 150 submissions for this little experiment. I want to thank you guys for the overwhelming response. It’s a bit humbling. I felt a bit like an agent myself, shifting through the loglines, trying to figure out which scripts to read. It wasn’t fun. All of you said such nice things, I wanted to read all 150. Of course, that would put us well into 2010 before I had time to post again, so I had to nix that idea. Still, choosing 5 out of 150 wasn’t easy. I wanted to pick five different genres, but at the same time, I didn’t want to pick a script in a genre I disliked as I knew that would probably result in a negative review. And I didn’t want to give any negative reviews. But this is a review site. Not a pat-you-on-the-back-and-tell-you-you’re-awesome site. So even though I got about 50 loglines that I thought, “hmm, this could be good,” I went with the five I thought had the best chance of being great, funny, compelling, interesting, or all four. And I was going to review them as honestly as possible. Shall we see how it turned out?

For those who have forgotten, this is one in a series of five scripts I’ll be reviewing this week from represented writers who have not sold a script. The exercise is meant to explore the level of quality it takes to obtain agency representation. Enjoy!

Genre: Drama
Premise: After wrecking his marriage, his liver, and a 737, an alcoholic ex-airline pilot tries to put his life back together.
About: Matthew (one half of the writing team) is a blogger himself doing breakdowns of DVDs at Criterion Collection DVDs. He and Adam are repped over at UTA and managed by Circle of Confusion. The two are going out with a new spec soon.
Writers: Adam Price & Matthew Dessem

Clearly Matt and Adam have been waiting for this moment. They’ve been tracking my taste, planning and plotting, looking for just the right moment to storm the Scriptshadow beach and take the island. Because they obviously understand what I like. “Everything Must Go,” a story about a man who sets up a living quarters on his front lawn when his wife locks him out of their house, plays to just about everything I like in a story (please find an actor for this and make it now!). So when I heard Matt and Adam’s logline, a logline that sounded like “Everything’s” second cousin, I couldn’t control the magical download finger that transfers my next reading experience onto my hard drive.

But beware the follow-up blues. Whenever we see something great, something that personally moves, shocks or excites us, we want more of it. And we want it now. But when, in the history of mankind, has there ever been anything that’s capitalized on the success of something else, and was actually better? After Pearl Jam we got Soundgarden. After Lord Of The Rings we got Dungeons and Dragons. After Pac Man we got Q-Bert. Ultimately, you end up disappointed, feeling like you just witnessed a shallower emptier version of your previous love affair. That’s not to say that Adam and Matthew even knew about Everything Must Go when they wrote The Conquered. I’m speaking for myself, the reader’s perspective. And these similar second endeavors almost always end up in disappointment.

So then what’s the deal? Was the first script in our Repped Week any good? Was this a disastrous idea? Are these writers without a sale so far out of the big-timer’s league that they don’t even deserve any Scriptshadow love? Let’s find out.

The Conquered is kind of like a cross between Everything Must Go and The Wrestler. Frank is this beat up guy. His wife, Kelly, left him for an “actuary,” which is a job Frank’s never even heard of. He’s pissed about the ordeal, even though he has no right to be. Let’s be honest. When your spouse is gardening in another man’s lawn, chances are it’s not because you’re Husband Of The Year. In a move so monumentally moronic it makes my Freshman year at college look like a year in seminary, Frank, a pilot, stumbles into the cockpit of his flight, wasted beyond recognition. He proceeds to kick the co-pilot out, start the plane, pass out onto the controls, and roll a 737 into the airport lobby.

Niiiiiice.

Needless to say, Frank loses his wings and six months later finds himself slumming it in Hollywood (note to non-Los Angelinos: Hollywood is very very dirty), selling off his things to pay for rent and food. Frank’s best friend Virgil is a bit of an oaf but has a good heart. Ironically, Virgil just lost his life as well. After 16 years she didn’t even leave him a note. He spends most of his days hunched over in Frank’s apartment, weeping like a little girl.

Virgil nabs Frank a job at his brand new employer’s, The Matchstick Company, pulling levers on an assembly line. On his very first day, Frank manages to somehow set both himself and Virgil on fire. But Virgil meets and falls in love with his Mexican boss, Elena. The relationship occasionally ropes Frank into doing things he doesn’t want to do. Any time he’s not getting shitfaced watching TV is considered unproductive. But a party at Elena’s introduces him to Elena’s drop-dead gorgeous 18 year old (and still in high school) daughter, Lily, a blossoming artist stuck in a going-nowhere situation. Her thug boyfriend, Nando, has just gotten out of jail, and Elena is desperate to keep Lily away from him.

Frank does everything in his power to destroy his life short of swallowing an atom bomb. He drinks, drinks, drinks, and when the liquor runs out, he lies, cheats, and steals to get more. Occasionally he’ll rendezvous with the local bar owner, the mature but attractive Angie. Not only does he pull a one night stand on poor Angie, but also steals a stuffed dog of hers and names it “Mr. President.” Mr President becomes Frank’s best friend and unwitting accomplice in an ongoing attempt to throw his life away.

When Elena finds out that Lily’s sneaking out with Nando, she starts sending him over to Frank’s so he can keep an eye on her. They don’t have very much in common and she seems baffled that Frank can sit there and watch The Weather Channel and infomercials for six hours straight (For the record, this does not even come close to my 8 hour ESPN marathons). Slowly, the two develop a friendship, and Frank starts to pull himself out of that 20-mile hole he’s been digging. The friendship leads to a few dates and the dates lead to one night of sex. But ironically, after a lifetime of screwing others over, it’s Lily who realizes she made a mistake, and she’s the one who wants nothing to do with Frank. After this karmic taste of his own medicine, Frank’s forced to square of with Co-Nando The Barbarian. And as you can probably guess, it doesn’t go well.

There’s an honesty in The Conquered that you don’t find in a lot of scripts – an aversion to play it safe, a hesitancy to wrap things up in a neat bow. And that’s what I liked about the story. Frank is pretty much despicable and has no real desire to better his life. He’s trapped in that place in your life where you’re supposed to have everything, yet you have nothing. So you start to think, what’s the point in trying? What’s the point in sticking it out? He drifts from beer to beer, shot to shot, and somehow, through it all, we still root for him. There’s a part of us that wants Frank to get back up on his feet, because we think maybe, if he can, we can. It’s always a daring choice to go with an anti-hero, Paul Newman as opposed to Will Smith. But when it works, the story is richer for it.

The script isn’t perfect. I’m still not sure why Elena would leave her 18 year old daughter with a raging alcoholic she barely knows. Not exactly the daycare center I’d send my kids to. And I feel like the script lacks that one “big moment,” near the middle. The drifting nature of Frank motivates a fairly straight-forward narrative, but I was looking for that one jolt, that one surprise to knock me out of my seat. I don’t like it when I start to feel too comfortable in a script. And that happened a bit in The Conquered.

Needless to say, The Conquered was still an enjoyable experience. With a little exposure, it has Black List written all over it. Definitely not Top 50%, but somewhere in the lower half for sure. If you liked The Wrestler, or the scripts Everything Must Go and Up In The Air, you should check this one out pronto.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] barely kept my interest
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: A lot of writers just starting out leave their supporting characters out to dry. They’re not concerned with them – their backstory, their goals, their purpose. Smart writers have something going on with all of their characters. In the case of The Conquered, Virgil, Frank’s friend, plays a crucial part in the story. His own collapsed marriage and new relationship with Elena is what leads to the main romantic storyline between Frank and Lily. Inexperienced writers would probably bring Virgil in as the “funny guy” and not go any further than that. He wouldn’t have any depth or any goals of his own. But by taking your time and really giving each character something to do, something to seek out in the film, you create a richer more fulfilling experience for your reader.

Wow, this is shocking. I can’t believe they’re doing this. Variety is reporting…

“Twentieth Century Fox is resuscitating its “Alien” franchise. The studio has hired Jon Spaihts to write a prequel that has Ridley Scott attached to return as director.

Spaihts got the job after pitching the studio and Scott Free, which will produce the film.

The film is set up to be a prequel to the groundbreaking 1979 film that Scott directed. It will precede that film, in which the crew of a commercial towing ship returning to Earth is awakened and sent to respond to a distress signal from a nearby planetoid. The crew discovers too late that the signal generated by an empty ship was meant to warn them.”

Read the rest of the story at Variety.

If you’re not familiar with Joh Spaihts, it just so happens I reviewed one of his scripts here on Scriptshadow. To check that out, go here!

Just a reminder. If you’re a repped writer and still haven’t made your first sale, you have til the end of tomorrow (Saturday) to get your script in to me. Some writers/agents have expressed reservations about sending in material as the exposure of the script would make it difficult to sell. Obviously, this is something that’s never been done before so you have no idea what the response will be. But even if that concerns you, maybe this is a strong script you already went out with at a bad time in the marketplace. Maybe it’s a script you – the writer – think is your best work but it’s a hard sell. Maybe something similar got snatched up, preventing your own sale, even though your script was immeasurably better. This could be that second chance you’re looking for.

Anyway, here’s the original post (oh, it’s now FIVE scripts instead of four):

So I’m doing something different next week. I want to give five writers a chance to get some exposure. The only catch is you have to have agency representation and not yet have sold a script. If you meet those requirements, send me your script, your agency, and a logline. I’ll take the five most interesting loglines and review those scripts Monday-Thursday. If you don’t want your script posted or you won’t be able to take a potentially negative review, then you shouldn’t participate. I know a lot of you unrepresented writers are crying foul here but there’s a reason I’m only allowing represented writers. First, I don’t want to be inundated with 10,000 e-mails. But more importantly, this is an exercise to review scripts from writers who *were* able to land representation, but have not yet been able to sell a script. What’s the difference in quality between a represented and an unrepresented writer? What’s the difference in quality between a represented writer and a represented writer with a sale? Is the difference merely a matter of luck? That’s what I want to explore. Who knows? Maybe we’ll find something great. Send the scripts to this e-mail: Carsonreeves2@gmail.com. There is no guarantee your script will be chosen but you have my word that I will delete all scripts I don’t use. Deal?

Okay, now let’s make one of you guys a millionaire.

Edit: I’ve decided to allow Manager representation as well. Though the choices will be weighted to favor agency representation.

Accepting submissions until: Saturday, August 1st, 11:59pm Pacific Time

Genre: Action Romantic Comedy
Premise: An alcoholic debt-ridden bounty hunter has two days to find and bring in his selfish manipulative dishonest ex-wife, who’s skipped bail.
About: Andy Tennant (“Hitch”) to direct. Starring Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler (who seems to be making a name for himself in the romantic comedy world). Sarah Thorp previously penned “Twisted”. This is shooting right now.
Writer: Sarah Thorp (1st draft, Sep 2007, 114 pages)

Why is it impossible to look at a picture of Aniston these days and not think of Us magazine?

Now to be fair, this is the FIRST DRAFT of the screenplay, dated two years ago. So we know some changes have been made in the meantime. But it’s my guess that the basic premise and story are the same. And unfortunately, that’s the problem with The Bounty. This thing is more forced than an episode of The Bachelor. And I understand that the forced setup is a romantic comedy staple that’s been around for years. But there’s a difference between “forced” and “forcing it down our throats” – when the setup becomes so ridiculously over-the-top that it can only exist in the movie world. And that’s what’s happened here. This place that Thorp has invented only exists in Never Never Land. There is nothing plausible or realistic about any of the characters or situations in this movie.

That’s a really nice way of saying I detested this script.

Butler’s motives in starring opposite all these Hollywood starlets likely has nothing to do with the movies themselves.

Cassidy Daley is a gung-ho news reporter who will stop at nothing to get her story. She receives that “tip of a lifetime” about some potentially dirty cops from a source of hers named Jimmy. So off she goes into the seedy underworld to find him. Unfortunately along the way she does something illegal and gets arrested. She’s dragged off to jail, but immediately posts bail and skips her hearing. As far as she’s concerned, this front-page story is way more important than a silly bail formality.

Milo is a drunken gambling mess of a bounty hunter. He owes every bookie in town and is quite a ways from his prominent life as one of the best cops on the force. On the eve of getting roughed up by his bookies, Milo’s bail bondsman buddy, Sid, offers him a face-saving bounty. 5000 dollars if he can catch and bring back this person by Christmas Day (48 hours away). There’s just a slight twist. It’s his ex-wife, Cassidy! Ahhhhhhh!!! What are the chances?????

In case you haven’t guessed, Milo hates Cassidy. And Cassidy hates Milo. Even more than Milo hates Cassidy! These two really hate each other! Yet there’s something about this opportunity that makes scumbag Milo happy. You see Milo didn’t always used to be a scumbag. He used to be a successful cop with a bright future. Then he joined up with a reporter on an important case. And said reporter solved the case before he did and printed a story about it, making Milo look like an incapable moron. That led to their divorce. That led to his drinking. That led to his gambling. That led to his firing. And of course, this reporter’s name was Cassidy. Milo is convinced – CONVINCED – that Cassidey stole some information from him in order to solve the case. And he’s finally going to get her to admit it.

Milo’s actually pretty good at his job and it takes him less than an hour to find Cass. He handcuffs her and within seconds the pair is back to their old skitter-skatter rat-a-tat-tat verbal bantering ways. I hate you. No I hate you. No I hate you. No I hate you. No I hate you. No I hate both of you!!!

Milo is so obsessed and scarred by this ancient case, he becomes more than a little interested when Cass informs him that the whole reason she skipped bail was she was onto a huge story about a bunch of dirty cops. Milo realizes that this is it! A chance for him to redeem himself. He’ll solve her case within the 48 hour allotted time before he has to have her in. This will prove he’s smarter than Cass, which will in turn gain him his reputation back, which in turn may even get him his job back! All he has to do is keep Cass within sight and make sure she doesn’t run away. Which essentially means they have to do this…together!!! Snnnnnnnnnn-ap!

Yes, you read that right. Milo is doing this to prove that he’s smarter than Cassidy.

Stirring the pot is the bookie, Dwight, who’s chasing Milo for the thousands of dollars he owes, while Milo and Cass chase the story. Milo and Cass are then put through all the romantic comedy staples like being mistaken for a couple and having to sleep in the same bed (didn’t we *just* talk about this in Leap Year???). But since they used to be married and know all each others’ secrets, they’re constantly able to one-up each other, as evidenced in one scene where Cass sneaks a request to the waitress to add sesame seeds to Milo’s burger because…HE’S ALLERGIC TO THEM! As he chokes to death, Cass scuttles away!

Will they solve the crime? Will Milo still get Cass to the bondsman on time? Will I ever recover from this experience?

The Bounty feels like bad cosmetic surgery. Everything about it is fabricated and manipulated, twisted and pulled and chiseled and tucked in a desperate attempt to look natural. But no matter how you dress it up, it’s still bad cosmetic surgery. There is nothing authentic about this person!

Even the mechanics are all over the place. The order in which the information is offered to us for instance. All the stuff about Milo’s life falling apart because of the case he shared with Cass. We don’t find out about any of that until well after the two have rejoined each other. That’s the kind of information you have to tell us before the two meet so that when we hear the person he’s going after is his ex-wife, our mouths drop. “You mean the person that did all those horrible things to him?? Oh shit!” Without that information, she’s just a name to us. We don’t know a single thing about their history. It’s details like this that drove me batty and that I’m really hoping are just first draft glitches. I’m not saying you don’t want to save some details about the past for later on. But you don’t want to keep everything a secret!

Pretty much nothing in this screenplay works. I laughed one time (when Milo tells Cass to talk dirty to her and Cass sexually utters things like, “Sewage, waste, bacteria”) and pretty much rolled my eyes the rest of the way through. Ratio of laugh to eyeroll = 1 to 1000. The hope appears to rest on the pages upon pages of “witty banter.” But the truth is, I couldn’t even tell you if it worked. I was so put off by the artificiality in which the situations were created that they could’ve been reciting secret scrolls revealing the meaning of life and I still wouldn’t have been paying attention.

Having said all this, I can see from an actress’ point-of-view why this role would look appealing. It’s a bit different. And Aniston basically gets to be a bitch for 3 months of shooting (note to all writers: Actors and actresses love when they get to be assholes). But I don’t think she’s seeing the forest through the trees here. The Bounty jams the ‘art’ into artificial. Then bolds it and italicizes it and ups the font size – The Bounty – until it no longer resembles reality.

I can only hope that subsequent drafts have given this script new life. But I’m afraid the concept is too flawed. Therefore, I’m sorry to say but…

[x] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] barely kept my interest
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: There’s nothing less attractive than writing that’s trying too hard. If we can see you pulling the strings behind the curtain, the story loses its magic.