Genre: Thriller
Premise: Set in the Alaskan wilderness, a forest fire spotter receives an unexpected visit from a mysterious man.
About: Zetumer sold Villain to 2929 studios awhile back. Although he started out writing big sprawling action films, Villain was the script that got him noticed, secured him an agent, and ultimately landed him a sale. The script so impressed director Marc Forster that he asked Zetumer to rewrite Quantum of Solace (I wouldn’t hold this against him – Forster has gone on record saying every major decision about the script was his – so we can blame him). In fact, the script has led to a whole host of large scale assignments, including The Infiltrator (DiCaprio attached) and the remake of Dune (cause, you know, they’re going to keep throwing money at that franchise until somebody cracks it). Zetumer cites Chinatown as the biggest influence on his work.
Writer: Joshua Zetumer

It’s Thriller Week here on Scriptshadow! I didn’t even plan it. It just happened!

Sooner or later, you have to start explaining things.

Whenever you write a thriller or a mystery, remember those words: Sooner or later, you have to start explaining things. We experienced that firsthand on Monday with the heavily mysterious “Umbra.” You see, it’s fairly easy to create a really fucked up world where strange ass shit is happening to your main character. What’s never easy, is coming up with a compelling story to explain the mystery. Since the answer is never as interesting as the question, many thrillers die a quick death after the first act. Cause people want answers. And the answers usually suck.

So what of Villain? Do the answers satisfy?

Will is staying up in the Alaskan mountains in a small shack doing what’s called “spotting” for forest fires. Will is a recovering alcoholic and part of the reason he took this odd job was to end his addiction to the juice – kind of his own version of AA. Step 1: Get 100 miles away from the nearest liquor store. Will is a complex character with a complicated history. The man has burns all over his body, the kind that imply an entire childhood full of abuse, and he’s generally “off”. In summation: The guy hasn’t had an easy life. His only contact with the outside world is the occasional radio contact he gets from basecamp, which is a good four day’s walk away.

Then one afternoon, Will gets a CB call from basecamp. Apparently, someone who claims to know Will stopped by yesterday and asked where he was staying. “Who?” Will asks. They don’t know. Just some guy. Some guy who is now on his way to see Will. This confuses the hell out of Will because, as far as he knows, no one even knows he’s up here.

A day later Will spots the man trudging up the hill towards his shack. This means it took the man two days to traverse a four day walk. Who is this guy? Superman?

Actually, the man’s name is Aiden, Will’s brother who he hasn’t seen in ages. If Will’s the rotten apple of the family, Aiden’s the core. He’s one of those guys you see at the Y and with just one look in his eyes – you know – he ain’t right (rest assured – I haven’t been to the Y in awhile). Although he enters with a smile, and the two immediately begin reminicsing about old times, it’s clear that there’s something boiling under the surface of this crackpot. Aiden has some hard questions he wants to ask, and he’s not leaving til his brother answers them.

The camaraderie begins to deteriorate soonafter and we learn the source of Aiden’s anger is that his daughter’s been taken from him by social services. Aiden did a little P.I. work and found some phone bills with some very interesting calls on them. Calls to the social service offices from Will’s number. His question to Will is simple: Did you contact them? Of course Will denies it, and he’s so convincing even we’re not sure what the truth is. The question becomes, how far will Aiden go to get to the truth? When you’re hundreds of miles away from the next human being, when the only law is nature, what are you capable of?

The abuse that follows is a direct reflection of the theme Zetumer’s exploring. These two men grew up knowing nothing but their father’s abuse. Living it. Breathing it. Fearing it. And yet here it is again, alive and kicking in their adult lives, so deeply rooted that it will probably be the reason that only one of them comes off this mountain.

Villain started out promising, but it hits some snow bumps almost immediately after Aiden arrives, falling into a pattern of Aiden drugging Will, Will waking up, Aiden drugging Bill, Will waking up, and over and over and over again. Like I said, once you get past the intrigue, past the mystery, tell us your story. And it’s not clear that Villain has a lot of story to tell. The answers are revealed slowly and aren’t all that satisfying. There were times when Will seems so fucked up that we’re wondering if this is a tripped out schizophrenic delusion of his – and we’re going to find out that his brother never came. I thought that would’ve been a fun angle to explore. But in the end it really is about Aiden trying to find out if Will called social services on his daughter. That’s it. And while that’s fine since that’s the story Zetumer wanted to tell, it left me feeling disappointed and a little empty. I wanted something bigger. More twists. Not such a straightforward story.

I’d like to make it clear that this is a solid piece of writing. A lot of people enjoyed it and it’s given Zetumer the amazing career he now has. For me though, it felt like it ran out of gas.

I know there are some of you in the Scriptshadow community who will disagree though (and make it very clear in the comments!) so take a stab at it and tell me what you think…

[ ] trash
[x] barely kept my interest
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

WHAT I LEARNED: I loooooove when something unexpected happens in a script. I read so many scripts that fail to surprise me, and as I just mentioned, the second half of Villain falls into that category. But early on, the script is tense and full of great choices. One of my favorite moments is when Aiden (then an unknown man) first surfaces out of the forest after his two-day hike up to Will. Will’s been on edge waiting for this mystery man for hours. But instead of the man doing what we expect, which is to walk up to the shack, he stops…..and then turns back around, walking away and into the woods. This freaked the shit out of me. Who walks two days straight then turns around? Where is he going? What is he doing? Is he hiding? Why would he show himself in the first place? This upped the suspense factor by a thousand. Remember that your scripts are being read by people who’ve read EVVVERRRRYTHING. So you have to surprise them every once in awhile to keep them on their toes. Be unexpected!

Learn more about Josh over at The Rogue Wave.

Genre: Dark Comedy
Premise: The aftermath of a bank robbery told backwards.
About: This script was originally a finalist at the Austin Film Festival where it gained the attention of producer Barry Josephson. Soonafter, the script was sold to Fox Atomic. So for those of you wondering where to allocate this year’s screenplay contest money, AFF might be a good place to start!
Writer: Oren Uziel

Man, I am on a rolllllllllllll. Reading some solid scripts lately. Today’s entry is a little dark comedy thriller called “Shimmer Lake.” So let’s all get naked and go script skinny dippin!

This particular entry is a special 4am review of the half-asleep variety. So if you notice any spelling mistakes or random tangeants, I’m totally not apologizing. Speaking of apologies, I want to apologize to anyone who viewed my latest Facebook entry (not my Scriptshadow Facebook account but my real person Facebook account). I started this thing called “Late Night Facebook Confession” where anytime after 2am, you can post anything you want about your life on Facebook and no one can judge you on it. Well, I guess my latest confession was just a little too “disgusting” (as some said) and “perverted” (as others said). Whatever that means. Needless to say, nobody seems to understand the concept of “CAN’T BE JUDGED”. Once it’s past 2 a.m. man, you can write anything you want. And not be judged. EXCEPT FOR – apparently – Himalayan teenagers with down-syndrome. Jeeeeez.

What are we talking about? Oh yeah! Shimmer Lake. This script was sweeter than a mouthful of gummy bears. It’s about a group of dimwitted frustrated small town dudes who decide to rob the town bank. The twist here is that we start with the aftermath of the robbery and work our way back, day by day, to the night of the robbery. Now even though this is the internet, I can hear some of you already screaming “Gimmmmick!” And you know what? You’re right. This is a gimmick. But it’s a damn good gimmick, cause Uziel knows how to write.

Our main character and town sheriff, Zeke, is three days removed from the robbery, desperately trying to find his brother Andy, who for some reason left his family to involve himself in this moronic heist. He’s hoping he can locate him before he ends up like Dawkins, the owner of the bank, who Zeke finds naked and dead with a huge hole in his chest. Apparently Dawkins was connected to the robbery too. But why? He owns the damn place. Also missing are Ed, an ex high school football star who accidentally blew up his kid during an experiment gone wrong in his self-made meth lab. And Chris, a half mentally retarded loner who lost all his friends when an accident blew a few fuses in his brain. Rounding out the group is Ed’s hotter-than-the-inside-of-a-hotpocket wife Steph, who very well may know more about this robbery than she’s letting on.

Shimmer Lake’s structure takes us back one day at a time in order to show us what happened to who and how. Along the way we learn more about the characters involved and more about why they’re doing what they’re doing. You may think you know why they’re doing it. But you don’t. Well, in some cases you do. But in others you don’t. Most of the cases you do though. Instead of the script suffering from Prequel-itis (this is how I refer to the Star Wars prequels – which basically filled in the missing gaps at the expense of a providing us with a story) it actually thrives inside the structure. The big heist is still at the end of he film. It’s just at the beginning. So we’re still anticipating how it’s going to all go down. I think in a lot of scripts, there’d be plenty of dead time before the ending, but Uziel’s strength is his amazing grasp of character, and pretty much anybody he introduces us to we could watch for hours on end and never get bored. I wish I had all day to just chat with this guy and ask him how he comes up with these people. He’s truly got a gift. They’re so fun to be around and listen to that you forget all about those silly screenwriting mechanics – like story. And plot.

I think to give you any more would cheat you out of a fun read. I will say this: Shimmer Lake has that wears-its-indiness-on-its-sleeve arthouse quality to it that has a habit of unsettling some picky cinephiles. But what I love about The Lake (that’s what I’m calling it now. Keep up.) is that it’s like an Ethan and Joel Cohen film, without all the alienating choices that scare away mainsream audiences. It’s funny, but not 3% of the population only funny.

Originally I was going to write this review backwards but changed my mind for two reasons. One, it would’ve taken way too much effort. And two, it was a stupid idea.

This baby is an early contender for mid-to-high Black List 2009. Check it out…

[ ] trash
[ ] barely kept my interest
[ ] worth the read
[x] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Character descriptions character descriptions character descriptions! If you’re writing a comedy, you should have fun with your character descriptions. Don’t describe anyone as “Square-jawed and tough as nails.” It’s a comedy. Have fun with it. Here’s an example from Shimmer Lake: “Ed Burton is the kind of guy that if he walked into a bar and falsely accused you of stealing his seat, you’d get up and apologize.” How awesome is that? It’s fun and it tells me exactly who this character is.

Hey guys, long day of work. Late update tonight. Probably between 2-3 AM Pacific time.

Genre: Thriller
Premise: A crew of crab fisherman rescue a drifting castaway with a mysterious cargo.
About: Hot spec which sold not too long ago. Chris Gorak (“Right at Your Door”) will direct for Palmer West.
Writer: Josh Baizer and Marshall Johnson

Not many people know this but I was a crab fisherman before I started Scriptshadow

Well I’m sure you already know this but Crab-Fishing is one of the most dangerous jobs in the world. Crabs tend to hang out in the farthest, most desolate, most dangerous places in the sea, forcing these tiny little boats to battle Perfect Storm like weather smack dab in the middle of nowhere. Half-ton cages are swinging around perilously close to your head. If one were to fall or swing at an inopportune moment, you could be knocked into blue country, or worse, splattered against a wall. It’s rainy, it’s slippery, it’s chaotic. It’s where accidents go to vacation. Needless to say, this is a perfect setting for a movie, and why “Dead Loss” feels like a no-brainer.

Dead Loss follows its earnest captain, Ben, and his eccentric batshit crazy crew (I say that only because anyone who goes out on one of these boats has to be crazy). The centerpiece of his crew is Nate, Ben’s estranged brother, who, although they’re similar in age, has quite a bit more mileage. We find out that the alcoholic Nate recently got out of jail, and that he was responsible for a previous accident on Ben’s boat that killed a man. Ben’s not happy that Nate will be joining him, but he’s low on experienced crabbers and beggars can’t be choosers.

The script does a great job setting up the stakes. Ben’s crab business is a shark’s bite away from bankruptcy, and a successful crab run is about the only thing that will save their business. Desperate times call for desperate measures and instead of following the rest of the crab boats into familiar waters, Ben takes his chances on the gold rush, a secret spot way the hell out in Russian waters. It’s a dangerous gamble, as the weather there is ten times worse than anywhere else and since it’s illegal, there’s no calling for help if things go wrong. But like I said, what choice do they have?

The trip is a bust. Not only do these guys have to deal with 20 foot waves every couple of minutes (Quick question: How in the world do you sleep in 20 foot waves??), but they’d have more luck finding crab at a local strip joint. Just when things are looking really bad, one of the crew spots a life raft in the distance. Ben makes an emergency rescue attempt (not easy when a badly timed sideways turn can get you tipped over) and pulls the raft onto the boat. There are two men. One dead. One barely alive.

They drag the men inside and and start deciding what to do. That’s when someone notices a series of black lockboxes in the raft with Japanese inscriptions on the side. They open them. Inside are diamonds and gold. Millions of dollars worth. And just like that, everything changes.

Another check of the men shows that they’re covered in tattoos. These guys aren’t sailors. They’re professional thieves. And one of them is clinging to life. To quote Dennis Hopper in Speed: What do you do? What do you do?

The theme of the movie rears its ugly head. Greed. You start thinking a little funny when a million bucks drops in your lap. You start rationalizing things that are irrational. “Well, they probably would’ve died anyway if we hadn’t picked’em up. So why not finish the job?” The crew begins to take sides. Some believe they should throw the men back onto the raft and take the diamonds. Others believe they should call the coast guard. But the surest way to keep the money is to throw these bozos over the ledge and never speak of them again.

However, decisions have a funny way of working themselves out. And not always in the ways we hope. When the guys go down to check on the Russians…

One of them…. is missing. Uh-fucking-oh.

A very adult game of Hide-and-go-seek begins. But it’s clear that our Russian friend’s interpretation of the game is a little different. As in, you find him, he kills you. In a sort of “reverse Die-Hard,” he starts killing off crew members one by one. They wish that was their only problem. Angryov Killsky sneaks into the engine room and sabotages one of the engines. The crew is thrown. Why the fuck would he sabotage an engine? They find their answer in the lockboxes. A glowing red light. Oh shit. It’s a GPS locator. Whoever these Russians are, they were waiting to be picked up. And since they’ve been in that raft for days, it’s a good bet that whoever’s coming to get them is damn close.

Some of the crew actually recognizes they’re dealing with the Radmoninov The Killer Ruski and vote to call the Coast Guard. Others know the loot is gone if they do and prefer to take their chances.

It’s all very captivating and well-written. I like how Baizer and Johnson play with expectations. Ben, the “do-gooder” captain, is unexpectedly overtaken by greed while Nate, the jailed black sheep, is the one begging everyone to do the right thing. The way their relationship plays out grounds the story in an emotional reality that scripts like this usually don’t have. The ending isn’t exactly what I expected, but was still satisfying.

I could go on about Dead Loss but what else is there to say? It’s a really good script and I recommend it.

[ ] trash
[ ] barely kept my interest
[ ] worth the read
[x] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: A bit of a nitpick here but I think it’s a valid criticism. The script opens with a scene that basically introduces all of our characters. One of the things I’ve learned is to never *just* create a scene that introduces you to all your characters. Create a story around it. Make it interesting. Otherwise, you may as well just place each character onscreen and have a voiceover telling us who they are. If you’re not going to entertain us, then you’re not telling a story. In this scene, everybody’s on a boat talking to each other. Why can’t someone be looking for something? Maybe they can’t leave without it. Maybe the Captain is MIA and nobody knows where he is? Or maybe the Captain is showing up in 5 minutes and they know if the ship isn’t ready by that time, he’s going to tear them to pieces. Add *something* that elevates your introductions to something more than introductions. You get to introduce your characters and we get to be entertained. It’s a win-win.

Genre: Thriller
About: A man finds an old cassette tape, the contents of which reveal something horrifying.
About: A very hot script that a lot of people are talking about in Hollywood: Karczynski sold this to Relativity Media last month. The property has garnered the interest of “No Way Out” and “The Recruit” director, Roger Donaldson. Although I haven’t been able to confirm it, this appears to be Karczynski’s first sale.
Writer: Steven Karczynski

Imagine your best friend shows up at your door. He’s hurried, excited. He dashes into your living room, “You gotta see this! You gotta see this!” He brings up Facebook and shows you the profile of the hottest girl you’ve ever seen in your life. He then says to you, “This girl saw your picture today and she wants to meet you.” “What??” you ask. “Yes! She’s at the coffee shop waiting for you right now!” You can’t believe your good fortune. You and your friend hop in the car, speed over to the coffee shop, run inside…but it’s empty. Your friend gets a text. “Oh, she left. She’s at the bowling alley. Let’s go!” You rocket over to the bowling alley, look around. She’s not there. Your friend gets a call. “She said her friends got bored and went to get some food.” So you drive over to the restaurant. Hurry inside. She’s not there. Your friend calls her. Oops, they decided to go to a movie. But she wants you to come to this party she’ll be at tonight. So you go home, get ready, look as good as you’ve ever looked before. Possibly even put on cologne. You’re bursting with anticipation. It’s finally time. You go. You look around. You can’t find her. You start asking people where she is. “Has anybody seen Jane?” Then someone walks up to you and says, “Didn’t you hear? She just died in a car crash.”

And that pretty much sums up my experience with Umbra.

Umbra is one frustrating-ass script. David happens upon a strange package jammed halfway into a mailbox in front of his house. He can’t resist opening it (would any of us be able to?) and finds a cassette tape inside. He buys an old tape player so he can listen to it. At first, we don’t hear what the tape says. All we see is David’s reaction as he listens. This is par for the course with Umbra, and what, for better or worse, sets it apart from every other script out there. There’s a lot of playing with time, playing with space, playing with sound and voice over. We’re hearing things, we’re not hearing things, we’re watching one thing while hearing another thing, etc. etc. It works quite well in my opinion, because it keeps you off-balance — just like David.

Midway through the tape, David gets a look on his face of such profound fear, we realize he’s heard something horrible. And here’s where Umbra will either get you or lose you. The rest of the script is David going to work, suspecting he’s being watched, suspecting he’s being pursued, is pursued…all while we get bit by agonzing bit of the tape. The whole thing feels like an American Idol results show. As we’re teased and teased and teased with pointless and uninteresting performances, we must wait until the very last minute to find out who gets voted off.

Actually, that’s a little harsh. The portion of the script where David gets chased is quite good. Particularly the way we see him get chased. Part of the brilliance of Umbra is it really takes you into the mind of a single person. David doesn’t have any relationships in his life, anyone to talk to. The point-of-view is so specific to this one character, that everything feels incredibly claustrophobic and personal. When things start going bad for David, we feel like they’re going bad for us too.

I’ll tell ya, the last 20 pages of this thing, I don’t know if I’ve ever read a script that fast. Some crazy ass shit starts happening. But the critical moment of the tape hasn’t played yet and we’re dying to know what’s said on it. We have to know what evokes that reaction on David’s face. We have to hear that final piece of the puzzle.

And when it comes…

When it comes…

It’s so disappointing that it’s beyond disappointing. Not because the idea is stupid, but because it doesn’t answer anything. It’s deliberately vague, and in that sense, a huge cheat. You basically dragged us along with this recording, taking advantage of the fact that you knew we’d go anywhere with you until you revealed it…and then you finish with this…non-answer. You killed the beautiful Facebook Girl.

Afterwards, when I sat back and thought about it, I realized that for 98% of the read, the screenplay was amazing. Because the job of the writer is to make the reader want to see what happeens next. and for 95 pages, that’s all I wanted. I wanted to see what happened next. Because of that, Umbra leaves me feeling very conflicted as to my final reaction to the story. There’s such great stuff in here and yet it’s ultimately disappointing.

I guess I’m giving it a “Worth The Read”. I mean, it did enough right that I can’t not recommend it.

[ ] trash
[ ] barely kept my interest
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: There’s a passage early on in Umbra where the character is running for his life. This is how it reads: “The Caller rips through several backyards. It’s as if we’re tied to the Caller’s back as he runs. He falls. We fall. He stumbles. We stumble.” Ten years ago, a writer would have been sent to prison for saying “it’s as if we’re tied to the Caller’s back as he runs.” “What are you doing??” a reader would say. “You’re not allowed to direct the action! That’s the director’s job!” People used to (and still do) really get in a hissy-fit about these kinds of things. But this is how I see it – if directing action helps me imagine the movie, why not use it? As long as it’s used in moderation, I don’t see anything wrong with it. Hell, it might even give the director some better ideas.

P.S. As always, if you’re going to discuss the ending in the comments, please post *SPOILER* before you do. And if I misunderstood the ending (it is open to some interpretation), please let me know. I certainly feel like I missed something. But I still think it was the script that didn’t provide it.