Genre: Comedy
Synopsis: A group of friends decide to go on an adventure to stifle a quarter-life crisis.
About: This is that million dollar spec that sold with Superbad star Jonah Hill as one of the writers. Not sure if he’s attached to star (though I assume he is) and whether that had any influence in the script getting sold. Very skeptical of this one at first, but then I saw that Matt Spicer and Max Winkler were the other two writers. They wrote one of my favorite scripts of last year, “The Ornate Anatomy Of Living Things” about a man who finds out there’s a museum dedicated to his life. Winkler is the son of Henry Winkler – yes, The Fonz.
Writers: Jonah Hill & Matt Spicer & Max Winkler

Joe is unhappily engaged to a woman so ready to get married she trumps those freakshows on The Bachelor. All Neil cares about is getting high and fucking ugly women. Harry’s dad barely knows he exists. The three are stuck in that strange 20-something malaise where they’re not sure if they should hang onto the past or leap into the future. When Joe finds The Adventurer’s Handbook at a local yard sale, however, he’s convinced that the three friends need to go on an adventure of their own in order to become men.

Because the group doesn’t have any money to fund the adventure, they’re forced to approach their old elementary school “friend” Sadoff (if friend means they hate him more than life itself). Sadoff’s since become a Josh Groban like superstar (extremely cheesy music – think the vocal equivalent of Kenny G). Instead of just loaning them the money, however, he insists on coming along.

The four land in Cairo and meet Frank, an adventerous looking man who tells them he can get them on a plane to Pakistan. Frank has a few secrets, namely that he’s carrying some sort of “package” that a whole shitload of bad guys want. When they’re not looking, Frank stashes the package in Joe’s bag. He’s then killed just as the boys leave, which means whoever was chasing Frank is now chasing them. Their plane crashes in the deserts of Afghanistan and the group stumbles their way into a small vilalge.

Later the boys get captured by, I believe, that British guy on The Celebrity Apprentice. He takes them to some Burmes jail in the middle of the jungle. They blast their way out rambo style, escaping in a tugboat down the river, finding yet another village and…blah blahblah blahblah blah blah blah. Ahhhhhhh! I can’t take it anymore. The Adventurer’s Handbook is fucking awful. It’s soooooooooooo repetitive. This has to be one of the slowest comedies I’ve ever read. An awful awful script.

I say this without hesitation. I cannot believe for the life of me that this sold. And I am fucking beyond shocked that it sold for so much money. I feel bad for saying this but somebody out there is very very very stupid. This script is average at best and a disaster at worst. I don’t even think the premise is that great. I thought this was going to be about a book that gave them a specific adventure to go on. Finding treasure. Finding a sunken ship. Finding something, ANYTHING. Instead it stands in for a vague excuse to travel around the Middle East and get into “funny” situations (for the record, although I smiled a few times, I never laughed). The Handbook that is the catalyst of the movie has nothing to do with the movie at all!

I think one of the biggest disappointments with the script is that the sense of wonder and originaltity that was so present in “Living Things” is gone here. I’d go as far to say that there wasn’t a single original moment in the entire screenplay. Even the “twist” ending you could see coming from a mile away.

If there’s any good news here, it’s that, with a little traction from a previous script, you can sell trash. And for a lot of money at that.

[ ] trash
[x] barely readable
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned from The Adventurer’s Handbook: I honestly don’t know what I learned here. The story doesn’t get going for 40 pages. The script itself is 128 pages. I guess if there’s anything to learn it’s that all those “rules” you’re supposed to follow to sell a spec script can be completely ignored. Particularly the one about making sure the script is good.

Genre: Comedy
Synopsis: A college kid is forced to babysit a very strange family for an evening.
About: Big spec script that sold a few weeks ago.
Writers: Brian Gatewood & Allesandro Tanaka

Noah, 21, is a loser. He’s a fuck-up. He does not have it going on. He’s been suspended from college, is flat broke, lives with his mother, and has a girlfriend who refuses to list her Facebook status as “In a relationship.” So when a party that his mother’s been looking forward to all week has been canceled due to her friends not being able to find anyone to take care of their children, Noah is forced to do the unthinkable: Be a 21 year old babysitter.

He huffs and he puffs but ultimately gives in. Once he gets there he realizes this family isn’t just weird, they’re batshit crazy. Blithe is an 8 year-old whore obsessed with celebrity (particularly Kim Kardashian’s sex tape). Rodrigo is an extremely weird slightly retarded recent adoptee from Ecuador who likes to walk around lighting sparklers, and Slater is a 13 year-old stud with a laundry list of prescription medications for his multiple anxiety disorders.

About 5 minutes into the night, Noah gets a call from Marisa (his “girlfriend” – cough cough), asking if he’ll come meet her at a party (only an hour ago she told him she couldn’t hang out because she was sick). He tells her he has to babysit but it falls on deaf ears. She needs coke and asks if he wouldn’t mind dropping by her dealer’s place on the way over. Or, err, her “old dealer” she means. Cause Marisa doesn’t do coke anymore. It’s for her friend Tiffany. Noah, blinded by the fact that he’s being used, grabs the kids, jumps in their parents’ Bentley, and the adventure begins.

Along the way Noah accidentally destroys 10,000 dollars worth of coke. The drug dealers threaten his life if they don’t get their money back. This forces Noah to crash one of Slater’s friend’s bat mitfah’s, where they steal money envelopes from the “gift pile.” The Bentley gets stolen, forcing him to confront a father he no longer has a relationship with. He steals his father’s keys and robs his jewelry store. He himself gets robbed by a pair of shady cops. All just to get to this damn party to see a girl that he refuses to accept doesn’t even like him.

Although it’s a silly movie about a crazy night out, the script tackles some bigger issues, specifically the destruction of the American family. Fathers move on to start new families. Mothers are stuck trying to find new husbands. Husbands are cheating on their wives, unaware of what it does to their children. Wives who know of the cheating but refuse to accept it, try to make up for the loss by “saving” children through adoption. It’s all pretty heady stuff. And all too familiar.

I got to give it to these guys. Any writers unafraid of putting an 8 year-old whore in their script deserve some credit. Surprisingly enough, even with how broad these characters are painted, they really come to life in the end. Blithe learns that the reason she cakes her face in make-up and wears slutty outfits is because she spotted her father making out with his secretary. Slater’s anxiety stems from the fact that he’s in the closet. And Rodrigo just wants to feel like he’s part of a family.

This is the best script I’ve read in awhile and I highly recommend it.

[ ] trash
[ ] barely readable
[ ] worth the read
[x] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned from The Sitter: Flip characters around to come up with something unique. Slater isn’t the nerdy kid with asthma problems. He’s the good-looking kid with anxiety problems. Blithe isn’t the perfect 8 year old cute girl, she’s an 8 year old whore.

Genre: Dramedy
Synopsis: 5 strangers get stuck at the airport together.
About: Yes, this is the infamous “remake” of The Breakfast Club
Writer: Lizzy Weiss

Okay I have a suggestion to the people realeasing this film. Do not, under any circumstances, let any media print that this is in any way related to The Breakfast Club. Like me. Come to my place right now, break down my door, and force me to log into my blog and erase this paragraph. Cause I’m telling you right now, you do not want people comparing this to The Breakfast Club. It’s like comparing a cracker to a croissant. It is really not a good idea. Every time I read a line – heck every time a character’s name came up – I thought, “How does that compare to The Breakfast Club.” So please do that ASAP. For your own good. Now on to the review…

It’s the day before Thanksgiving and five strangers decide to “bump” themselves to the next flight in order to snag some free tickets. We learn that the reason for their bumping is that each is having their own issues back home which prevent them from being in any sort of hurry to get there. A few more hours in the middle of nowhere is better than a few extra hours in hell. Hey, I think we can all relate.

The five characters sort of “bump” into each other, as you sometimes do at an airport, and begin a seriously accelerated group friendship. There’s C.C., 21. Poor C.C.’s in love with a guy who will only ever see her as a friend. Tabitha, 20s, is a stuck up bitch with a high-paying job. She’s engaged to the Cuban-born Omar, a dirt poor musician. Then there’s Max, 20s, a guy who’s been swallowed up by a job that sends him everywhere in the world but home. And finally (and most unfortunately), there’s Eleanor. Eleanor is a mini-celebrity, has 1.5 million myspace friends, and her alias is…yes…Veronica Vodka (consider yourself lucky if you don’t know the real-life person she’s portraying). I’ll get to that in a bit.

Max and C.C. hit it off immediately. Omar and Tabitha start their rift soonafter. And Eleanor pokes and prods into everyone’s life – though she’s mostly interested in Omar. For the most part, Bumped is like a reverse Breakfast Club. Whereas everyone started off hating each other in that movie, then slowly grew closer, everyone in bumped starts off liking each other before slowly breaking apart. Of course they all come back together in the end, but it’s interesting how they approach the genre from a different angle.

I think the biggest faux pas in the script is Tila Tequila – er, I mean Veronika Vodka. Cause you see, once you include a celebrity in your story, the story is no longer about people. It’s about people…and a celebrity. It peels away some of that real life autheticity. Sure it’s possible that you could run into a celebrity at the airport and start hanging out, but it’s unlikely, and actually comes off as a bit of a gimmick.

The dialogue – which started out pretty standard – improves tremendously as the script goes on. In The Breakfast Club, there are about 30 classic lines. Most movies would be lucky to have 1. So I’m not going to hold that against Bumped. But as the relationships became deeper, the truth starts coming out, and that’s when the dialogue began to soar. Sure, the situations are a little heavy on the drama, but it worked. Why? Because they’re in an airport. And for people like me (who don’t live in them), an airport is a very emotional place. It means you’re going home, or going to meet somebody important, or heading back for the holidays, all things that force you to deal with and assess where you are (and who you are) in life. I am never more emotionally schizophranic than the moment I step into an airport.

In the end, Max helps C.C. realize she’s spending her life being more than a little pathetic (turns out that guy she liked “borrowed” 500 dollars out of her account – for a weekend with another girl no less). C.C. helps Max realize that his work is preventing him from having a life. Omar and Tabitha realize they aren’t meant to be together. And Veronica Vodka? Poor girl realizes that she can’t hide behind her celebrity anymore and that maybe she misses what it feels like to be a “normal” person.

I have to admit, Bumped got to me. There was a moment about 60% in where I realized I was truly emotionally invested in this group. I mean, it’s still no Breakfast Club. But you know what? It doesn’t have to be.

[ ] trash
[ ] barely readable
[xx] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned from Bumped: Make sure to connect your characters to their setting, whatever it is. Had these five been stuck at a laundromat, for example, it wouldn’t have been nearly as powerful.

Next week I promise to read three of the newer spec scripts out there. Expect a review of a particularly large actor’s recent sale, something that revolves around what you’d do on a couch, and possibly a script being produced by two industry titans. I can’t wait!

Genre: Political Satire
Synopsis: A down-and-out political fundraiser will do anything to get his candidate elected president.
About: Berger (the son of President Clinton’s National Security Adviser Sandy Berger) wrote the script after interviewing professional fundraisers in Washington and Los Angeles.
Writer: Alex Berger