Genre: Historical/Serial Killer
Premise: The true exploits of Eliot Ness during his hunt for the “Torso Murderer,” a serial killer whose bloody reign terrorized 1930s Cleveland.
About: This script finished number 4 on the latest Black List, an annual list of the best scripts in Hollywood. I have read the top 3 scripts already, all of which were not good. That’s never happened before in the history of me reading this list. That led to a new goal – find at least one good script in the top 5. That journey has taken me to today’s script. Both writers Reiss Clauson-Wolf and Julian Silver were staff writers on the TV show, “SEAL Team.”
Writers: Julian Silver & Reiss Clauson-Wolf
Details: 114 pages
Butler for Ness?
I am happy to announce that we’ve found two Black List writers who know how to write! I know we’ve put up many a flyer across Los Angeles since December 12th, when the 2025 Black List was released. MISSING: GOOD WRITERS ON THE BLACK LIST. Finally, we have our first lead.
But being a good writer does not guarantee that you will write a good script. There are too many potholes on the construction path to writing something people enjoy. So take a journey with me on the 4th highest voted Black List script to see if it’s any good.
It’s 1934 in Cleveland, Ohio. Eliot Ness, who has become famous throughout the United States for leading “The Untouchables” in pursuit of Al Capone, has taken this new job of Public Safety Director here.
He’s done so well at his job that they’re throwing parties for him! Until one unfortunate evening when someone discovers a bunch of headless torsos in a grimy lake in the bad part of town.
You have to keep in mind that serial killers aren’t a thing yet. The only thing anybody on the planet knows about someone killing multiple people is Jack the Ripper. But that’s all the way over in England!
Ness finds purpose in this new threat and immediately puts together a task force, with detective Paul Marlow helping him, a haunted cop who hides his secret homosexuality. And if you’re rolling your eyes right now, just know that you’re not alone.
The two start looking into the Torso Killer but there’s very little evidence to go on. And, remember, they don’t have the FBI serial killer playbook yet. That’s something that will come about decades later. This means that they’re running around with their heads cut off, no pun intended.
Eventually, the killings cease and Ness and Marlow have nothing to do. So Ness retreats into his troubled marriage, which has his wife emotionally cheating with another man and Ness physically cheating with another woman. Meanwhile, Marlow is getting his freak on at the local men’s club.
When new bodies are found, Ness finds his investigation thwarted by the local Sheriff, who Ness fired a year ago due to incompetance. Because of this, the Sheriff refuses to share information with Ness and Marlow. Not to mention, the Sheriff is close pals with the local mob boss, Big Paulie. This whole situation is starting to stink.
To make matters worse, Marlow thinks Ness is the Kim Kardashian of his era, desperate for adulation. So he quits. When Ness finally thinks he’s found the killer, we’re shocked to learn that it’s someone closer to him than we could’ve possibly imagined. With Ness being on his own now, it’ll be up to him to get the confession he so desperately covets.
Quinto for Marlow?
Let’s begin with the first scene, which follows a party that the mayor is throwing to celebrate Elliot Ness’s successful attack on local crime.
I pay a ton of attention to party scenes in scripts because if a writer knows how to write a party scene, they usually know how to write a script. That’s because a party scene is one of the most difficult scenes to write in screenwriting. It covers a lot of time. It covers a lot of characters. And that creates a really bumpy canvas to work with.
What I always tell writers is that you want to think of your party scenes as mini-movies. You need a hero (or key character) with a goal. You need that goal to have stakes. And you need there to be an urgency in achieving that goal.
That’s the simplified version. There are many other things you can do to create an entertaining party scene. But that baseline gives you your best shot at succeeding.
Now, here’s the interesting thing about “Untouchable.” It doesn’t have the goal, the stakes, or the urgency. It actually approaches the scene in the wrong way. Clearly, it’s a scene created to set up many of the main characters, and that’s a mistake. It’s just not entertaining. As a writer, you’re basically saying, “I know you’re bored. But memorize this boring part and I promise I’ll start the good stuff afterwards.”
I don’t agree with that writing philosophy at all.
However, I felt that Clauson-Wolf and Silver made it out of the party scene unscathed. They definitely didn’t win any awards with it. But they didn’t tank the scene either. How did they make it out? One little trick that did a lot of the work for them. They made Ness not want to be there. Ness was the guest of honor. He’s the most important person at the party. And he doesn’t want to be there.
Why is this important?
Because a character at odds with himself is a character in conflict. And conflict is the lifeblood of drama. I’ve said it here dozens of times. If all else fails and you can’t shape a compelling story into your scene, at the VERY LEAST, add conflict. And that can get you through.
Every interaction Ness has here contains a tinge of conflict because he doesn’t want to be talking to these people. They all want something from me but he doesn’t want to give it to them. He just wants to go home and rest and then do what he does best tomorrow: his job.
That choice gave me enough confidence in the script that I knew it would be better than the top 3 entries. And the next 20 pages seemed to bolster that belief. I liked the buildup of Ness and Marlow getting ready to look for the killer.
Unfortunately, a combination of three things sink this script. Let me be fair here though and say that a spoiler would ruin this analysis. So I’ll just confirm that the spoiler softens one of the mistakes here. But it doesn’t get rid of that mistake.
The first problem is that the writers tell us, before the story even starts, that the Butcher was never found. So we already know that they’re going to fail.
There are dramatic reasons to tell the writer what’s coming ahead of time. That’s one of the ways you create dramatic irony and anticipation. It’s a legitimate storytelling tool. But I don’t know what advantage you gain by telling the reader: “By the way, the two main characters fail.” I mean, why are we still reading then??
The next problem is that the story lacks urgency. The killings happen. It creates a lot of excitement. Ness and Marlow are on the case. And then…… months go by without any killings. Or any new leads. And then there’s another killing! So, more investigating! But then the assumption is the butcher fled the state and a year goes by without any killings. And then there are another two killings! Etc.
Look at the unenviable way these two things work together. A year can go by in this story without any progress. That alone is boring. But you’ve also told us that they don’t find this guy! So we know that enduring these endless periods of inactivity aren’t going to lead to any satisfying conclusions.
Finally, the script has no real stakes. Yes, people are dying, but the victims are homeless men with no social weight. In true crime, audience engagement follows a clear hierarchy: the more socially valued and the more innocent the victim, the higher the emotional investment. By choosing victims at the very bottom of that hierarchy, the reader could give two shits about them. The deaths don’t move the needle because the audience isn’t given any one of any real value to care about.
Here’s the good news: this is the best of the top four scripts on the Black List. The bad news is that, despite some really well-written prose, a worthy protagonist, a strong command of craft, and a confident writing style, the story doesn’t have a solid enough foundation to carry the reader all the way to the finish line. It gets to about page 40 before the slow-grinding gears catch hold of the pages and, from that point on, we’re mostly bored. Can’t recommend this one.
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Adding more of a thing that’s not working does not make it work. If your thought process is: “one dead homeless man may not be enough to make the audience care. But if there are ten dead homeless men, then they’ll care.” No. Sorry, that’s not how it works. If we didn’t care about the one, we’re not going to care about the many.
