Genre: Ghost/Horror
Premise: Two friends reunite as adults to renovate a castle. But their inability to get into the castle’s Keep raises questions as to what, or who, is inside.
About: The Keep is an adaptation of a bestselling book by Jennifer Egan. Ehren Kruger (who adapted The Keep) has received some heat over the years, and I’m not sure why. He broke in with Arlington Road, a great screenplay. He then went on to write Reindeer Games, The Ring, and the underrated The Skeleton Key. I suppose he gets shit for writing Scream 3 and 4, as well as Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen. But I mean come on. Those are obviously million dollar assignments where quality is not of the utmost importance. Would you turn down a million bucks to rewrite an unsaveble Transformers screenplay? I know I wouldn’t. An interesting side note here is that Niels Arden Oplev is attached to direct The Keep. Niels is the director of the original “Girl With The Dragon Tattoo” trilogy.
Writer: Ehren Kruger (based on the novel by Jennifer Egan)
Details: 119 pages (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).

99 times out of a 100, if a script hasn’t hooked me by page 20, it’s not going to hook me. I’ve had the pleasure of proving this statistic often as I rarely, if ever, stop reading a script. That means even though I know a script is terrible 1/5 of the way through, I continue enduring all the gory details until the bitter end. So count me surprised when I’d all but given up on The Keep 20 pages in, only to watch it perform a miraculous comeback Dallas Mavericks Game 2 style. I’m not sure what happened or how it pulled it off, but I’ll do my best to figure it out.

30-something rough and tumble Danny is on his way to an old discarded European castle which his former friend, Howard King, recently purchased to turn into some kind of new-age hotel. The old friends could not be leading more different lives. Danny is single and always looking for his next paycheck. Howard is embarrassingly successful with a beautiful wife and son, both of whom are joining him on his first visit to his new purchase.

The reason they’re here is to start preliminary efforts on the renovation. But perhaps more importantly, Howard would like to get inside the Keep (the tower at the edge of the castle), which hasn’t been opened in more than a century. For those who don’t know what a Keep is, it’s the last line of defense in an attack, a 17th century version of a “Panic Room” if you will. This Keep has been closed up pretty good, and that means it’s going to take everything they’ve got to get inside.

Halfway across the world (back in California), 33 year old Holly Farrell, a failed writer, has taken a job to teach prison inmates how to write. Now I’m not sure I’d personally approve of an endeavor where I put a hot young vulnerable woman in front of a bunch of horny murderous inmates for a few hours a week, but hey, to each warden his own.

It’s here that Holly meets Ray Dobbs, a reclusive inmate who seems to be the only one in her class interested in learning. Holly assigns the group a series of writing assignments, and Ray attacks them with particular vigor. While the rest of the inmates laugh at Ray’s over-enthusiasm, Holly sees in him a writer with immense talent, more talent than she’s ever dreamed of having herself.

What frustrated me most about The Keep was that these two worlds had seemingly zilch to do with one another at first. Why the hell were we cutting back and forth between a stupid pretend haunted castle and a woman giving writing lessons to a bunch of rapists? But then the first of many twists in The Keep arrives. Danny and Howard’s tale is the story Ray is writing in Holly’s class. Not coincidentally, this is when The Keep began to get good. Really good.

Back at the castle, Howard and Danny are doing everything they can to get into the Keep, to the point where Howard sends his young son into a tiny hole in order to unlock the Keep’s door from the inside. Howard’s son sees something inside the Keep, but we don’t. We’re on the outside, hearing all of this play out invisibly – forced, like any great scary story – to fill in the gaps with our own imagination.

Danny also starts seeing things, like an old woman up in the Keep’s window, only to find out later that the castle is full of pictures of her – a woman known as the Baroness, who used to own the castle. Danny could’ve swore he saw a real person. But maybe it was just one of the paintings. Impossible to know for sure.

Back at the prison, Holly starts finding strange invitations to The Keep, invitations that only existed in Ray’s story. As her husband and the guards start to fear for her life, they beg her to give up the class. But she is so taken by Ray’s enormous talent that she’ll stop at nothing to see his story through til the end. But what will the ending be? What is inside The Keep? And is this just a story? Or something more?

I’m just going to say it. This was awesome. Let’s start with the uniqueness of the idea. I always ask for something different, something we’re not used to. And the dual-storylines here present a unique narrative. Not only are we jumping back and forth between two opposing story threads, but each thread is so different from the other that you really have no idea how they’re going to come together.  All you know is you want to find out. .

Despite the unorthodox structure, the writers still use powerful tried-and-true storytelling techniques to keep our interest. Our characters aren’t just bumbling around a castle running into ghosts. They have a strong goal (to get into the Keep) and a strong mystery to solve (find out what’s in the Keep). These two things alone would’ve made this story worth reading, but the great thing about this script is that they’re just two small pieces in a much larger puzzle.

To build on that curiosity, they also incorporate a huge screenwriting no-no…….FLASHBACKS. No! Not the F Word! There’s good reason for screenwriters to avoid flashbacks. They often stop the story cold, killing the momentum. Since 99% of writers struggle to keep the momentum WITHOUT using flashbacks, using flashbacks is typically a death knell. Even worse is when the flashbacks contain characters that aren’t in the story! In fact, we were just talking about this during Andrew’s Amateur Friday entry a couple of months ago, where the flashbacks, while imaginative, didn’t add enough to the story to justify their existence. The difference here is that each of the flashback stories are extremely well-crafted and entertaining. I mean there’s no other way to put it. They were just good stories. From the secrets of the Baroness’ past, to the slaying of one of the former families, down to the Monk fire. All of them had this intense detailed depth. And even better, they’re all paid off later in the screenplay.

But what really sets The Keep apart is the ending. Any story is elevated by a great ending, but especially ghost stories, where there are often many unanswered questions going into the third act. Keep’s ending is a doozy and I’m going to partly spoil why, so look away if you need to. The Keep keeps (no pun intended) your focus on the “A” storyline, which (in my opinion) is the castle, while secretly using its B storyline for a series of setups that will pay off later in a huge way. The jail storyline is almost one big diversion tactic, in that the writers keep it just uninteresting enough so that we’re more focused on the castle storyline, but interesting enough so that we still care. In the end, we believe it’s only there so Ray can skip around in the story, kind of like they do with The Princess Bride. However, when that’s flipped on its head, and we realize that there’s actually much more going on there, it ends up resulting in a brilliant payoff. Endings are so hard to get right. But when you nail one, you can easily have a classic on your hands. I don’t know if I’d go so far as to say The Keep’s ending is a classic, but it’s easily the best ghost story finish since The Sixth Sense and The Ring.

For the record, there are a few warts here. The latter half of the “prison writing contest” is clumsily executed and almost kills the awesome late reveal. Also, Holly’s boyfriend (or husband) is such an over the top asshole with no nuance whatsoever that you might as well have changed Holly’s name to Smurfette and called the boyfriend Gargamel. I don’t know why writers make this mistake. Your bad guys can’t be one-dimensional assholes, constantly berating your protagonists for no other reason than you want the reader to hate them. It always comes off feeling false.

But outside of that, this script brought the goods. Just good enough to sneak into the Top 25.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[x] impressive (Top 25!)
[ ] genius

What I learned: Today is a good reminder to look at your idea from all angles before you start. Sometimes we jump on the easiest ride because it’s the one we feel the most comfortable on (the single protagonist single goal story). But that story’s been told so many times before, it’s hard to make it stand out. This dual-protagonists dual-storyline approach really keeps The Keep fresh all the way through, and that’s what makes it such a memorable read. So remember: The most obvious way is not always the best way.

Genre: Comedy
Premise: (from IMDB) A father’s life unravels while he deals with a marital crisis and tries to manage his relationship with his children.
About: Helping keep that big spec sale dream alive, Fogelman’s comedy sold for a 2010 best 2 million dollars! What is this? The nineties?? Fogelman’s name may sound familiar as I just reviewed his Black List script, “My Mother’s Curse,” last week. The film stars Steve Carell (who was attached for the sale), Ryan Gosling, Kevin Bacon, Emma Stone, Marisa Tomei, and Julianne Moore. So live it up people, cause we don’t see these big sellers too often.
Writer: Dan Fogelman
Details: 121 pages – Feb 19, 2010 draft (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time of the film’s release. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).

I have a lot of good things to say about this script. Plot, character, and execution come together in this tale like a concoction of Coldstone’s ice cream. And while I know some of you will pan it for its feathery light subject matter, make no mistake, there is some serious skill on display here. In fact, I’d go so far as to say this is the best executed comedy I’ve read since The F Word.

But before we get into it, let’s acknowledge the rhinoceros in the room. If you or I had written this script, there’s no way anyone would’ve read it. The premise is too simple: A man is thrust back into the single life after his wife asks for a divorce. That ain’t going to win Pitch Fest at the Expo, sunshine. But this is one of the realities of the business: Professional writers don’t need a flashy logline to get their stuff read. Their NAME is the flashly logline. And that’s a good thing. Cause when you sell your script, your name will be the flashy logline as well.

42 year old out-of-touch out-of-style out-of-sync Cal thinks he has the perfect life. He fell in love with his high school sweetheart, Tracy, when he was 17, and the two have been married ever since. They have two beautiful children, 13 year old Robbie and 8 year old Mollie, a wonderful house, and an unlimited supply of happiness.

Or at least, that’s Cal’s view of things. It’s been a while since he’s seen things through his wife’s eyes, and that’s going to cost poor Cal in the form of a blindside. Usually, you have a ‘feeling’ when the old relationship is about to implode. But Cal is clueless when his wife breaks it to him that she’s been having an affair with David Jacobowitz and that she wants a divorce.

After getting over that shocker, Cal’s inadvertently thrown into the world of dating. Now for anyone who’s been off the market for a significant period of time and then come back, you’ll recall that dating changes QUICKLY. Five years ago is nothing like today. And five years before that was nothing like five years later. But here’s the thing with Cal. HE’S NEVER DATED. EVER. Tracy was his first and only. This is a world completely alien to him.

Jacob Palmer doesn’t date either. But that’s because he’s perfected a pick-up technique that requires less than a minute of conversation. Palmer can get you from A (the bar) to Z (his place) in less time than it takes most guys to order a drink. The problem with Jacob is that that’s all he does. He sits at a bar booth every night with his perfect hair, his perfect scent, and his perfect outfit and just picks up woman after woman. He doesn’t know the meaning of love.

It just so happens that Cal starts hanging out at Jacob’s bar every night and tells anyone who will listen his sad sack story about asshole David Jacobowitz fucking his wife. Jacob is horrified by this man he deems to be one step above mentally retarded. Just so he doesn’t have to witness this pathetic display anymore, Jacob offers to teach Cal how to pick up women.

Cal’s not even sure he wants to pick up women but anything that takes his mind off David Jacobowitz’s naked body is a good thing, so he agrees. Jacob gets Cal a new haircut, new clothes, and a new attitude, and after a few conversation-related tips (namely: “don’t talk. Ever.”), Cal starts picking up women left and right.

Now at this point you’re probably saying, “What so great about that? It sounds pretty boring.” And I’ll admit, the first half of this screenplay is pretty average. But where Crazy, Stupid, Love excels is in its second half, where all the characters and the intricate relationships that have been built up between them start smashing into each other like pinballs.

See what we realize, is that the first 60 pages were all one big setup, and the last sixty pages are a continuous ESPN ticker feed of payoffs. Tracy is being stalked by the man she had an affair with. Cal realizes all these one-night stands are meaningless and tries to get Tracy back. Cal and Tracy’s babysitter, Jessica, is in love with Cal. Cal’s son Robbie, is in love with Jessica. Just when it looks like Cal and Tracy are going to get back together, she learns that one of his conquests was Mrs. Thompson, Robbie’s teacher! Cal and Jacob end up becoming best friends. But then Jacob ends up falling in love with a girl, who ends up being the worst possible girl he could fall in love with. Even little Mollie is in love, with Zac Efron and High School Musical. And the further all these relationships go, the more “crazy,” the more “stupid” they get.

Blake Snyder said in his book “Save The Cat!” that there needs to be one scene in every screenplay that a producer can point to and say “That’s a movie.” In “Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot,” Snyder’s one produced credit, he said that that scene was a chase scene where, instead of two cars screaming through the streets of downtown, Stallone’s mom is driving 10 miles an hour, pulling up short at stop signs, and holding Stallone back with her arm whenever they came to a stop. That, the producer said, is what convinced me this was a movie.

Here, not only do we get that scene, but we get the reason why this script sold for 2 million dollars. It’s the climax of the story, a huge sequence where all of these relationships finally collide with one another in this glorious wacky explosion. It’s executed so perfectly and with such skill that for a brief moment, you sit up and think, “This is what screenwriting is all about.” And it really is. It’s that moment where all of the variables in your story come together in that perfect harmonic climax. It’s really good stuff.

This script also supports my belief that every character should have something going on. They shouldn’t just be an ear for the main character to disclose information to (like so many amateur scripts I read). Cal’s trying to get his wife back. Jacob’s trying to get laid. Bobbie’s trying to get Jessica. Jessica’s trying to get Cal. David’s trying to get Tracy. Even Molly, the daughter, is obsessed with High School Musical. Nobody’s left out to dry here, so we’re never bored, even though we’re jumping around to a lot of different stories.

And finally, this script does what so many comedy scripts fail to do – it packs the story with heart! And I think heart leads to big bucks. I really do. When you make a reader FEEL something at the end of a screenplay, it stays with them. It makes them want to recommend it to others. All comedies should have some heart dammit! This is proof-positive why.

Really really dug this script. Only didn’t make the Top 25 because the first half was a little predictable. Oh and hey, is this not the single most perfect role for Steve Carell that could’ve been written??

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[x] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: I don’t think you should write a low-concept comedy if you don’t have some connections in the industry. Had an amateur writer tried to get reads from this, they probably would’ve been ignored, as the premise is too generic. As an unknown, you need more flash in your pitch to get noticed, so I’d stick to higher-concept fare if you can.

As many of you know, today we’re revealing your Top 25 favorite scripts! The list we’ve been going by over to the right (below my own Top 25) is somewhat dated, so I felt it was time to give it a makeover. Just like last time, over 400 of you wrote in with your votes, and while I wouldn’t say there were any surprises ON the list, there were a couple of scripts that didn’t make the list which surprised me. This list would probably be more varied, but some writers/producers don’t want links to their scripts on the site and if scripts aren’t downloadable, people can’t download and fall in love with them. Cough cough.

I tallied the scores the same way I did last time. I assigned 10 points to every number 1 choice. 9 points to every number 2. 8 points to every number 3. And all the way down to 1 point for a 10th place vote. I then added it all up, and ranked the scripts by total number of points. Below you’ll find the script ranking, point total, the writers, the premise, and the status of the script. Before we get to the Top 25 though, let’s look at the scripts that just missed the cut (in no particular order)…

Aaron And Sara (Chad Gomez Creasy and Dara Resnik Creasy) – A nerd and a cheerleader explore four years of high school as best friends.
Review: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/04/aaron-and-sara-bff.html

Pawn Sacrifice (Steve Knight) – The life story of chess legend Bobby Fischer leading up to his historic world championship match against Boris Spassky.
Review: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/12/pawn-sacrifice.html

RED – (Erich and Jon Hoeber) A retired Black-Ops Agent must reassemble his old team to fight the new generation of high-tech assassins hunting him down.
Review: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/09/red.html

30 Minutes Or Less – (Matthew Sullivan and Michael Diliberti) A slacker pizza delivery guy is forced into robbing a bank with a bomb strapped to his body.

The True Memoirs Of An International Assassin (Jeff Morris) – After a publisher changes a writer’s debut novel about a deadly assassin from fiction to nonfiction, the author finds himself thrust into the world of his lead character, and must take on the role of his character for his own survival.
Review: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/07/true-memoirs-of-international-assassin.html

The Many Deaths Of Barnaby James (Brian Nathansan) – A teenage apprentice in a macabre circus for the dead yearns to bring his true love back to life, but not before encountering the many dangerous and gothic characters that stand in his way.
Review: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/09/many-deaths-of-barnaby-james.html

SALT (Kurt Wimmer) – A CIA agent discovers there’s a Russian spy deep inside the organization.
Review: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/03/salt-edwin-salt.html

Cedar Rapids (Phil Johnston) – A small town insurance salesman heads off to the “big city” of Cedar Rapids, Iowa, to try and save his company.
Review: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/11/cedar-rapids.html

And now on to the official list! (If you have updates on the status of any of these projects, please e-mail me at Carsonreeves1@gmail.com)

25. TELL NO ONE (183 pts.)
Writers: Robert Orci & Gary Kurtzman
Premise: A widowed social worker receives a strange message that forces him to reevaluate what happened the day his wife was murdered.
Status: Made into a famous French Film that won a ton of awards, but it looks like the American version is stuck in development hell.
Review: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2010/02/titan-week-tell-no-one.html

24. DEAD LOSS (184 pts.)
Writers: Josh Baizer and Marshall Johnson
Premise: A crew of crab fisherman rescue a drifting castaway with a mysterious cargo.
Status: Dead Loss was optioned and made last year’s Black List but I believe they’re still putting a package together to sell it to the studios. Chris Gorak (“Right At Your Door”) is attached as director.
Review: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/06/dead-loss.html

23: RENKO VEGA AND THE JENNIFER 9 (208 pts.)
Writer: John Raffo
Premise: Renko Vega, a disgraced cosmonaut, has resorted to a life of thievery with his best friend and partner, a sentient spaceship called the Jennifer 9. When a group of space pirates called the Augmentics take hostage the passengers and crew of The Starlight Revolver, Renko has the chance to redeem himself as he’s forced to choose between self-preservation or saving the people onboard.
Status: Recently entered the development phase. Don’t think anyone is attached yet.
Review: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/12/renko-vega-and-jennifer-nine.html

22. MIXTAPE (216 pts.)
Writer: Stacey Menear
Premise: A thirteen year old outcast finds a mixtape that belonged to her deceased parents, accidentally destroys it, and uses the song list to find all the music.
Status: Hot director Seth Gordon will be directing Chloe Moretz (“Kickass,” “Let The Right One In” remake) in one of my favorite scripts of the year. I believe they’re still looking for financing so if you got the cash, call these guys up. This movie needs to be made.
Review: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2010/01/mixtape.html
Interview: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2010/01/interview-with-stacey-menear-writer-of.html

21. SHADOW 19 (224 pts.)
Writer: Jon Spaihts
Premise: Captain Conrad Vance, of the Offworld Marine Corps, is selected by the Special Science Agency to travel to a hostile planet to repair a super-intelligent machine.
Status: I believe this project is currently dead at the moment. Though I’m sure Spaihts’ Alien Prequel screenwriting gig will have some people taking a second look.
Review: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/09/shadow-19.html

20. GOING THE DISTANCE (248 pts.)
Writer: Geoff LaTulippe
Premise: A comedy about a couple trying to overcome that most difficult of hurdles: the long-distance relationship.
Status: Geoff’s comedy, starring Drew Barrymore and Justin Long, is already finished shooting and will be hitting theaters, I believe, this August. Where’s the trailer for this thing??
Interview: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/05/geoff-latulippe-interview.html

19. BRAD CUTTER RUINED MY LIFE AGAIN (264 pts.)
Writer: Joe Nussbaum
Premise: A former high school nerd who’s finally achieved success in the world, finds out that his company is hiring the most popular kid from his old school. Before he knows it, the company turns into its own high school, and once again, he’s the nerd.
Status: At the moment, I don’t believe anything’s happening with this project. Great comedy though so I hope someone revitalizes it.
Review: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/11/brad-cutter-ruined-my-life-again.html

18. THE MUPPET MAN (272 pts.)
Writer: Christopher Weekes
Premise: A look at the weeks leading up to Jim Henson’s death. Henson is the creator of the most famous puppet franchise of all time, The Muppets.
Status: The Henson company bought this script and I can’t help but wonder if they ever plan on making it. My guess is that if they do, they’ll rewrite it into something a little more upbeat. Chris’ draft obviously touched people’s hearts, but I think the Hensons want something more happy smiley? All speculation of course. I have no idea if any of it is true.
Review: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/09/muppet-man.html

17. THE DAYS BEFORE (333 pts.)
Writer: Chad St. John
Premise: A man who possesses a time travel device uses it to go back in time to prevent an alien invasion.
Status: This was purchased by Warner Brothers last year and I don’t think there’s been any recent movement on it.
Review: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/12/days-before.html

16. PRISONERS (379 pts.)
Writer: Aaron Guzikowski
Premise: A Boston man kidnaps the person he suspects is behind the disappearance of his young daughter and her best friend.
Status: Prisoners, arguably the hottest spec of last year, looks to have DiCaprio leading the charge. Listed as in pre-production over at Warner Brothers, there’s an outside chance we’ll see this movie by the end of this year (but more likely next).
No review.

15. SUNFLOWER (410 pts.)
Writer: Misha Green
Premise: Two women are held hostage in a prison-like farmhouse.
Status: The script that everybody loved so much has gotten a page 1 rewrite. I refuse to read the new draft as I can’t handle such tomfoolery. Why change what worked? William Friedkin (The Exorcist) was attached as director for a long time, but horror superstar director Wes Craven has recently come on board. Since Craven has announced his intent to direct Scream 4 next, with Neve Campbell in a nursing home, I’m wondering when Sunflower will get to the screen.
Review: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/03/sunflower.html
Interview: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/07/misha-green-interview.html

14. PASSENGERS (465 pts.)
Writer: Jon Spaihts
Premise: A spacecraft transporting thousands of people to a distant planet has a malfunction in one of its sleep chambers. As a result, a single passenger is awakened 90 years before anyone else. Faced with the prospect of growing old and dying alone, he wakes up a second passenger who he’s fallen in love with.
Status: Originally written for Keanu and always listed as a favorite among Hollywood insiders, this project doesn’t seem to be going anywhere at the moment. I think Keanu’s production company owns it so it’s all a matter of if/when he decides to make it.
Review: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/04/passengers.html

13. WATER FOR ELEPHANTS (479 pts.)
Writer: Richard LaGravenese
Premise: A veterinary student abandons his studies after his parents are killed and joins a traveling circus as their vet.
Status: With I Am Legend director, Francis Lawrence, on board, along with the “bothered” one, Robert Pattinson, Academy Award winner, Christoph Waltz, and Academy Award winner Reese Witherspoon, this film should be shooting soon.
Review: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2010/03/water-for-elephants.html

12. THE F WORD (497 pts.)
Writer: Elan Mastai
Premise: A young man and woman try to stay friends after developing intense feelings for one another.
Status: There’s no denying The F Word has a thin premise, but it’s the execution that sets this apart from all the other clones. Right now it’s set up at Fox Searchlight with Mr. Mudd (the production company behind Juno) set to produce. Word is it’s moving fast. So hopefully we’ll be hearing some casting/director attachment news soon!
No review.

11. SMOKE AND MIRRORS (504 pts.)
Writers: Lee and Janet Scott Batchler.
Premise: The reclusive “Father of Modern Magic”, Jean Eugene Robert-Houdin, is called upon by the French government to debunk an Algerian sorcerer who is using his feats of magic to spearhead a civil war.
Status: The last time this project had heat on it is when Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas came onboard back in 2000. But it’s a script everyone seems to love, especially Roger, who gave it a genius rating, so I wouldn’t be surprised if someone took a chance on this in the near future. And I mean, why deny a great adventure flick? There are so few of them out there.
Review: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2010/01/smoke-and-mirrors.html

10. THE BEAVER (520 pts.)
Writer: Kyle Killen
Premise: An extremely depressed man finds a beaver puppet in the garbage. When he puts it on, his life takes a dramatic turn for the better. Or does it?
Status: Starring Mel Gibson, with Jodie Foster directing, this film has already wrapped and is currently in post-production for a release later this year.
Review: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/05/beaver-scriptshadow-challenge.html

9. DOGS OF BABEL (521 pts.)
Writer: Jamie Linden
Premise: When a dog is the only witness to a woman’s death, her husband tries to teach the dog how to talk so he can find out what happened to her.
Status: They still haven’t attached anyone to this script. This is another project, like Mixtape, that needs someone to swoop in and finance it. Because you have the potential for something great.
http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/09/dogs-of-babel.html

8. THE GREY (527 pts.)
Writers: Joe Carnahan and Ian Mackenzie Jeffers
Premise: A group of oil drillers on a plane ride home, crash in the arctic tundra, where they become hunted by a vicious pack of wolves.
Status: Recently securing Bradley Cooper for the lead role, this project has some heat on it. The key will be Carnahan convincing Cooper to make his movie before he makes his 1800 others. Hopefully he will, cause this is too cool of a script to pass up.
Status:
http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2010/02/grey.html

7. THE VOICES (545 pts.)
Writer: Michael R. Perry
Premise: A disturbed man with a good heart is tormented by his talking pets, who convince him to do things he’d rather not do.
Status: Michael Perry is hot right now, and although there’s been no official announcement, word is Ben Stiller wants to play the lead in this dark tale. Get to it Ben. It’ll a great role.
http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/12/voices.html

6. THE SOCIAL NETWORK (549 pts.)
Writer: Aaron Sorkin
Premise: A look at the rise of Facebook and the effect it’s had on its founders.
Status: This is currently in production with surprise helmer David Fincher for a release either later this year or early 2011.
Review: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/07/social-network-facebook-movie.html

5. BURIED (564 pts.)
Writer: Chris Sparling
Premise: A man wakes up in a coffin with no idea how he got there.
Status: Already finished shooting. Played at Sundance. Was purchased at Sundance. Should be getting a release sometime later this year.
Review: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/06/buried.html
Interview: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/10/interview-with-chris-sparling-writer-of.html

4. EVERYTHING MUST GO (565 pts.)
Writer: Dan Rush
Premise: A recently fired salesman comes home to find out he’s been kicked out of his house by his wife. So he takes his things, which she’s left outside, sets them up in the front lawn, and starts living there.
Status: Will Ferrell is playing the lead part. I’ve heard this is either very close to production or has just started production. So it’s another project we’ll probably be seeing later this year hopefully.
Review: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/12/everything-must-go-happy-new-year.html

3. KILLING ON CARNIVAL ROW (851 pts.)
Writer: Travis Beachem
Premise: In the city of The Burgue, a police inspector pursues a serial killer who is targeting fairies.
Status: Everybody loves this script, and yet it doesn’t even have an IMDB page. I’m assuming the high price tag of the movie has scared a lot of financers off, but this is one of those scripts that seemed to be on everybody’s list.
Review: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/08/killing-on-carnival-row.html

2. THE BRIGANDS OF RATTLEBORGE (872 pts.)
Writer: S. Craig Zahler
Premise: Set in the days of the old West, a sheriff and a doctor seek revenge against three ruthless thugs who robbed them and terrorized the town.
Status: I believe this is still over at WB and for whatever reason, they don’t seem to know what to do with it. Westerns are a hard sell and this script has been criticized as more a novelization than a script, but it’s got great characters so just find some big actors who want to be in a Western. There are more than you think.
No review.

1. SOURCE CODE (1539 pts.)
Writer: Ben Ripley
Premise: A man wakes up on a train that is being targeted by terrorists, a train that has already blown up hours ago.
Status: I think they just started shooting this. Moon director Duncan Jones is at the helm. Jake Gyllenhal is playing the lead. My guess is an early 2011 release date, possibly in April, where films like “The Matrix” debuted?
Review: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/02/source-code.html
Interview: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2010/02/interview-with-ben-ripley-writer-of.html

THOUGHTS: If you want to see how this compares to the original list, check out this link. What we have here is three scripts really dominating the race, with Source Code once again pulling away as the clear winner. After Killing On Carnival Row (which I still haven’t read, believe it or not), there’s a sharp 300 point drop. So if you want favorites, Source Code, Brigands, and Carnival can’t even be touched. A little surprised to see The Grey that high. Didn’t know others liked it as much as I did. The Voices isn’t a surprise. It’s a deliciously dark script, yet still retains an element of fun. Water For Elephants is another one I’m surprised to see so high. Guess the dark love story played just as well for you as it did me.

Falling out of the Top 25 were Salt, Winter’s Discontent, I Wanna F___ Your Sister, Fuckbuddies, Ornate Anatomy Galahad, Nightfall, and Passengers (Pruss). The biggest surprise is obviously “Salt.” What happened to the Salt lovers? I guess they moved on to pepper. Winter’s Discontent is a really fun script, but I was always surprised at how high it was on the last list, so I’m not shocked that it’s gone. Ditto with Ornate Anatomy. Passengers suffered from everyone clarifying this time around that they meant the SPAIHTS draft of Passengers – which makes me wonder if anyone liked the Pruss draft at all, lol

So there you have it. If you haven’t read some of these scripts, definitely check them out. There are still links in some of the reviews. And I’m sure people can point you in the right direction if you can’t find them there. Just ask in the comments section (use Firefox if you’re having trouble seeing comments). I’d like to keep opining, but it’s time for me to go read tomorrow’s script. Who knows? Maybe it will be on your next Top 25. :)

When Roger pitched this idea to me, I loved it. Mainly because I’m always looking for another good book to read, but also because I know he devours books like I devour scripts. So here he is with his article, “Ten Books That Need To Be Movies.” All images are link-ified!

Well, first you mustn’t. You can’t learn to write that way –- by writing directly for the screen. Wait until you’re 30. You’ve got to learn how to write! Screenplays are not writing. They’re a fake form of writing. It’s a lot of dialogue and very little atmosphere. Very little description. Very little character work. It’s very dangerous. You’ll never learn to write. You’ve got to learn to write well and then you can survive. You must write all kinds of things: Essays, poetry, short stories, novels, stage plays, and screenplays. That’s what I do. All those things.

-Ray Bradbury, upon being asked, “But let’s say a young writer really wants to break into Hollywood, how can it be done?”

Narrative is my drug of choice and I’d take it intravenously if I could. But you know what? It’s even simpler than that.

I just love words.

Screenplays are pretty great. They can be pure story (and in some cases, works of art), but for all intents and purposes, they are firstly blueprints for a narrative not told in words, but in images.

And in a world (coughHOLLYWOODcough) where sometimes the best a scribe can do is write a spec that’s “fresh but familiar”, it will come as no surprise that the most narrative freedom, originality, and evolution of pure story is going to be found in the world of books.

A question for you, dear reader: When you read a book, does the language unspool into a reel of words, projecting a movie on the screen of your mind?

Yeah, me too.

And there are some books, where the unfolding story is so cinematic, where the narrative seems just at home inside the cathedral that is a movie theater as inside of the prosaic Pandora’s box that is a novel, that when I finish them, I need to see the movie version immediately.

Here are ten books I would love to see as movies.

1. Severance Package by Duane Swierczynski

Duane Swierczynski is the wheelman for a crew of noir writers that includes the criminal minds of Ken Bruen, Charlie Huston, and Meg Abbott. His sentences pop like strings of firecrackers and his characters are literal time-bombs and human weapons. His plots, which meld noir and espionage, operate like clever traps whose ticking clocks and high-stakes make Crank seem like it moves in molasses-slow bullet-time.

When Jamie DeBroux, a former newspaper man, shows up to his boring PR job at Murphy, Knox & Associates, his boss informs Jamie and his six other co-workers that he’s gonna have to let them go.

Literally.

The fire exits have been rigged with sarin gas, the phones don’t work, and the elevator has been set to bypass the 36^th floor (where they’re located). They are on terminal lockdown.

They are presented with a choice: Drink a poisoned mimosa that will usher them into the Big Sleep, or take a bullet to the head.

Chaos ensues when Molly Lewis, a mild-mannered office girl, shoots the boss in the head, revealing that she is some kind of super-assassin.

In fact, Jamie, the everyman, is surprised to find out that he’s the only one who isn’t a spy. It’s a fight for survival as the spies scatter, forming alliances or going rogue. Also, we notice that the entire floor has been rigged with cameras. Molly seems to be auditioning for a new gig with some type of super-secret spy organization that watches from the other end of a feed in Scotland.

Her test?

To torture and exterminate all the other spies in the building, exhibitionist-style.

Jamie has to somehow survive all of this so he can return to his wife and new-born child at home.

You don’t need any more plot details to know that this is an exciting premise. To mention Diehard, Alias, Hostel and The Most Dangerous Game almost cheapens the experience, but since this is a blog about movies, I guess I should throw that out there.

Severance Package is the ultimate “contained thriller”.

2. The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins

This is a steamrolling behemoth of a tale in the world of YA (Young Adult) Fiction. My twitter feed went apeshit a couple weeks ago when the title and cover of the final and third book was announced. Most of my favorite novels come from the YA Fiction section of the bookstore. And this is without a doubt one of the best.

After the destruction of North America, a nation called Panem rises out of its post-apocalyptic ashes. It is comprised of twelve poor districts and a rich Capitol (which is located somewhere in the Rocky Mountains).

Sixteen-year old Katniss Everdeen is from District 12, which we know is Appalachia because of its coal-rich soil. Her father has been killed in a mine explosion, so Katniss is the sole provider of her family. To feed her sister and grief-stricken mother, she becomes an expert hunter, archer and trapper.

Every year, one boy and one girl are selected by lottery to participate in The Hunger Games, a televised event where the children are forced to fight to the death in a deadly outdoor arena. Its participants are called tributes and the games end only when one tribute is left standing.

When Katniss’ younger sister, Prim, is chosen as District 12’s tribute, Katniss volunteers to take her place.

And like that, we’re off Battle Royale-style.

Things get complicated when Peeta, the male tribute from District 12, publically declares his love for Katniss. The audience goes into a frenzy over the two star-crossed lovers. But is Peeta’s declaration of love just a ploy to win over the audience?

The Hunger Games are so competitive, half of the twenty-four tributes die in the first day. Katniss is able to survive because she’s like a teenage Ellen Ripley or John Rambo. She’s got some skills, man.

The Hunger Games is a four quadrant movie and then some. You’ve got a badass teenage heroine, a riveting love story, a dangerous post-apocalyptic world and visceral first-person shooter action.

Not only that, it’s smart-science fiction with rich allegorical soil.

Let Suzanne Collins write the screenplay, let Kathryn Bigelow direct it.

‘Nuff said.

3. Sharp Teeth by Toby Barlow

This free verse novel has all my favorite things: the raw-knuckle peril of crime fiction, the somber horror of the werewolf tale, and the quest for redemption required of true noir. All told in a tapestry of multiple story threads. Kinda like a modern day Beowulf, but with werewolves.

Anthony Silvo is lonely. He takes a job as a dog catcher. It’s what he perceives to be a simple job, but soon discovers it’s a lot more dangerous than he could have ever imagined. The man he’s replacing, a catcher that sold a few dogs to a fighting circuit, has disappeared. He soon finds himself in the world of the drug trade. If that’s not all, Anthony also falls in love with a mysterious unnamed woman who might possibly be a werewolf.

Lark is leader of the most dangerous wolf-pack on the streets. A lawyer whose pack controls the undercurrents of power in Hollywood (think film agents who are really werewolves), he is ultimately betrayed and finds himself trying to start a new pack from scratch. His motivation is to get revenge against the pack of lycanthrope hitmen who are attemping to take over the LA crime world.

Detective Peabody follows a blood trail and is strung along by a mysterious man who hints that something else has been set loose on the streets besides impending gang warfare. He may or may not discover a race of beings that can change back and forth into dogs.

All these threads are woven together, the story culminating into all-out war on the streets of LA. Consider this tableau: Blackhawk helicopters and snipers unleashing hell on things that are, apparently, more than human.

If there’s ever a werewolf story that could work on screen, it’s this one. It has the potential to be a supernatural crime epic. It’s Traffic, but with fang, fur and claw.

4. Boneshaker by Cherie Priest

Think John Carpeneter’s Escape from New York but set in an alternate Civil War-era Seattle. In 1860, the Russians are searching for gold in the Alaskan ice. Leviticus Blue creates a machine called Dr. Blue’s Incredible Bone-shaking Drill Engine for the job, but at a demonstration gone awry, ends up drilling through several Seattle blocks, releasing a gas called the Blight. As banks are looted and people are killed, Leviticus and his machine disappear in the chaos.

And the Blight?

It turns people into rotters (zombies)!

Fast-forward to the 1880s and the Blighted remnants of Seattle have been walled off. Briar Wilkes, the scorned widow of Leviticus and outcast of the Great Blight, scrapes by with her teenage son, Ezekiel, in the Outskirts. The rest of America is a dangerous Civil War Zone ravaged by the machines of war (read dirigibles and steampowered tech). On a mission to exonerate his family’s name and discover the truth about Leviticus, Zeke dons an antiquated Blight-mask and ventures into the Blighted city. When an earthquake destroys Zeke’s only escape route out of the city, Briar sets off in an airship to rescue her son.

It’s an American steampunk world ruled by the eerie Dr. Minnericht, who wears a skull-like gas mask of pipes and valves and views the world through glowing blue lenses. The atmosphere is thick with yellow gas and air pirates conduct their trade over the city in giant zeppelins.

It’s hard to deny that this novel would make one helluva a movie. In many ways it’s a family adventure story about hope. But how many family adventures have zombie chases, cyborg barmaids and steampunk weapons named Doozy Dazer? Not a lot! Sure, it’d be expensive, and many of the actors would be wearing gas masks for much of the screen time, but hell, we can all dream right? At the very least, pick up the book and check it out for yourself. It’s worth it for the cool cover alone. And if you can’t get enough of Cherie Priest’s writing, I recommend her Eden Moore trilogy, the supernatural Southern Gothic novels Priest cut her teeth on.

5. The Stars My Destination by Alfred Bester

He was one hundred and seventy days dying and not yet dead…

Gully Foyle is shipwrecked in space. A brute, a mental simpleton, he’s been alone on the Nomad for six months, waiting for rescue. When a spacecraft named the Vorga arrives to scope out the ship, Foyle sets off signal flares. The Vorga ignores him and continues on its way.

This is where something interesting happens to Foyle.

This snub triggers his rage and he is driven by only one thing. Revenge. But because Foyle isn’t that smart, and doesn’t realize that something like the Vorga is piloted by actual people, the object of his vengeance becomes the Vorga itself. This galvanizes him into action and he soon finds his way back to Earth. Through it all, he develops the ability to “jaunte”. Which is basically teleporting through the power of the mind. Of course, the thing is, no one has ever been able to jaunte through outer space.

When an attack on the Vorga fails, he is thrown into the Gouffre Martel, a series of underground caves in the Pyrenees. He’s tortured by Saul Dagenham, a brilliant scientist who can only be around other people for a limited time because he is radioactive. It’s a prison of total darkness, and it’s so disorienting Foyle can’t jaunte away (he has to be able to form a picture of the location in his mind). It’s here that he meets Jisbella McQueen, a woman who educates him and teaches him how to properly hone and cultivate his revenge.

Because this is a retelling of Dumas’ The Count of Monte Cristo, Foyle escapes the prison and transforms himself into a rich, educated dandy. He’s also used his wealth to enhance his nervous system with military tech that allows him to burst into combat at super-human speeds. He uses all resources available to him as he goes after the individual people who were aboard the Vorga.

Do I really need to explain why this would make an awesome action movie? Alfred Bester is kinda the father of cyberpunk, as he was playing with its concepts in 1956 when he wrote this novel. There’s fascinating and inventive set-pieces, not limited to kidnapping telepaths on Mars to infiltrating a catacomb fortress where inhabitants live in total sensory deprivation to battles with physically enhanced commandos.

The book is a tour-de-force, and in the right hands, would make a classic revenge-fueled science-fiction thriller.

6. Alabaster by Caitlin R. Kiernan

Caitlin R. Kiernan has been described as the spiritual granddaughter of H.P. Lovecraft. Besides Cormac McCarthy, she is probably my favorite modern day novelist. An amazing prose stylist, her novels and short stories are dizzying, lyrical pieces with powerful imagery that is comparable to the work of someone like Angela Carter. Adapting any of her novels is going to be a tough (but rewarding) gig for any A-list filmmaker, and I remember reading somewhere that Guillermo Del Toro was flirting with her novel Threshold.

I believe her most cinematic work is a melancholy and razor-sharp short story cycle called Alabaster. These five stories, which tick by and fit together like a sinister grandfather clock, are just brilliant pieces of storytelling.

Dancy Flammarion is a thirteen-year old monster killer on a mission. An albino, she has haunting visions that may or may not come from some type of guardian angel, telling her to seek out “the ancient monsters who have hidden themselves away in the lonely places of the world.” These spells slowly drive her mad and test her sanity. She sets forth on foot from the swamps of North Florida, armed with only a duffel bag and a very large knife, hunting creatures from Heaven and Hell on the red-clay Georgia and Alabama backroads.

To quote Publishers Weekly, “the fey girl is one of many human avatars fighting small skirmishes on earth that have cataclysmic repercussions across planes of reality. In Les Fleurs Empoisonnées, Dancy is taken captive by a matriarchy of necrophiles whose decaying mansion is a nexus point for perverse and grotesque phenomena. Bainbridge interweaves multiple story lines that cut across time and space to show the far-reaching efforts of Dancy’s to exorcise an ancient evil infesting an abandoned church.”

It’s going to take a genius fantasy and horror filmmaker to bring this to celluloid, but if you’ve read the stories, you’ll agree with me that it’s something that needs to be done. There’s no doubt in my mind that there’s a director out there who was born to make this happen.

If you love monsters and monster hunters, character-driven, mind-bending horror stories, fairytales, rich mythology, and just plain balls-to-the-wall storytelling that sings of pure imagination, then do yourself a favor and order a copy of Alabaster right now. You won’t be disappointed.

7. Best Served Cold by Joe Abercrombie

My parents have always fed me books. In middle school it was The Lord of the Rings trilogy. A few months ago it was Joe Abercrombie’s First Law series. And I love filmmakers like Martin Scorsese and Quentin Tarantino, and although Abercrombie writes fantasy, it was apparent that he loves these filmmakers, too. It’s another case of cinema inspiring an author, and I love that overlap.

Monza Murcatto, an infamous mercenary and general for Duke Orso, is getting a little too influential and respected for her employer’s tastes. Orso believes that he can become king of the land by coming out on top of the civil wars raging between the competing city states, but he’s scared of Monza. So, he lures her and her brother into his palace and has them killed. Monza and her brother’s body are tossed off a balcony and left on a mountainous incline.

Of course, Monza is still alive. She’s suffered massive injuries and she’s found and nursed back to health by a strange surgeon. She’s still pretty fucked up (one arm is pretty much useless), but this doesn’t stop her from putting together a fascinating team of death dealers.

There’s Shivers, a remorseful barbarian from the Northlands who is kind of the moral compass and foil to Monza and her dark vendetta. There’s Morveer, the master poisoner and his ambitious assistant, a gamine named Day. There’s Friendly, a Rain Man-like serial killer who is obsessed with numbers and wields cleavers. And there’s Monza’s ex-mentor, Nimco Cosca who was once the leader of an army known as The Thousand Swords, but is now a drunk who is a savant with a sword.

Monza is fueled by hatred and rage to take down the seven men who plotted and witnessed her betrayal. Yes, this is a Point Blank revenge story set in a fascinating fantasy world that’s just as gritty as the best noir settings. There are awesome set-pieces set against the scope of heists, break-ins, cities under siege, and civil war. Not only that, but when Orso realizes that Monza is still alive and is after him, he employs the most feared bounty hunter in the land to take down her team, a guy who can seemingly bend the laws of time and space and who fights in a style I like to call gore-fu. It’s scary shit.

It can be adapted into a stand-alone movie, or if you want to capture every nuance and moment, would feel at home as an HBO mini-series. It’s a story that will have you laughing maniacally at the sheer spectacle and rage in one scene, to weeping softly in another. If people are looking for the next bloated epic fantasy to adapt, why not pull a hat trick and pick this stand-alone tale that will appeal to fans of not only high fantasy, but crime capers and the cinema of violence?

8. The Forest of Hands and Teeth by Carrie Ryan

With this book, I’m gonna have to quote a titan of YA Fiction, Scott Westerfield.

Zombies have been metaphors for many things: consumerism, contagion in an overpopulated world, the inevitability of death. But here they resonate with a particularly teenage realization about the world –- that social limits and backwards traditions are numberless and unstoppable, no matter how shambling they may seem at first.

And so it goes with Carrie Ryan’s The Forest of Hands and Teeth, a book that begins seven generations after the zombie apocalypse. Mary lives in an archaic village under a matriarchal religious sect called the Sisterhood. They enforce tradition and everything about Mary’s life, from birth to marriage to death. The village is surrounded by a chainlink fence, and no villager is allowed to cross this threshold unless they want to die in the forest, which is populated with zombies.

Mary spends her days dreaming and questioning the traditions of the Sisterhood. She wants to know about technology. She wants to know what caused the Return. She wants to know about romance, about love. Her crazy mother is the one who tells her tales about a mysterious place filled with water, an “ocean” that is free from the danger of the undead. When the Unconsecrated breach the village’s defenses, Mary ventures into the forest to find another safe haven, perhaps another village like her own.

And it’s weird to say this, but this is a moving story about searching and pursuing your dreams, about following your heart, even if it’s in a post-apocalyptic world where zombies are trying to eat you. It’s the type of rich novel I imagine only a woman raised on zombie movies and coming-of-age novels could write, and it’s all the more powerful for it. Although it’s probably unfair to say this, but I think The Forest of Hands and Teeth is the movie M. Night’s The Village should have been. With a female teenage heroine, romance, and zombies, what other bases does a movie need to cover? Audiences will eat this up. I promise.

9. Already Dead by Charlie Huston

Let’s talk about Charlie Huston for a moment. I think any of Charlie’s books could make a great movie. I could write about all of them (except Sleepless, haven’t read that one yet, but it’s sitting on my desk here), and I’m faced with the problem of only picking one. And in the spirit of picking something that’s anti-Twilight, I’ll choose the first in his pulp-noir horror Joe Pitt Casebooks.

Huston has created a Middle Earth-like Manhattan, a parallel universe whose underworld is ruled by vampyre clans. There’s the largest clan, The Society, corporate suits who rule midtown from 14^th street to Harlem. There’s the East Village Society, basically a group of progressive liberals. To me, the most interesting is a group called The Enclave, who are the smallest but the most feared. They live in a lower West End warehouse starving themselves to nirvana, whose bodies have found a balance with the raging vampyre virus, giving them super-supernatural speed.

Joe Pitt is a rogue, constantly scrambling and hustling to survive. In true Chandler-esque fashion, Pitt takes two jobs: He’s hired by Marilee Horde, a prominent New York socialite whose daughter Amanda has gone missing and may be slumming with homeless goth kids in the East Village; and The Coalition hires him to find and destroy a “carrier”, basically a science experiment that’s bringing unwanted attention on the undead community because it’s spreading an infection that turns people into shamblers (more zombies!).

It’s a very entertaining foray into a world populated by Stoker archetypes. There are Renfields (humans who want to become vampyres), Lucys (those who have over-romanticized vampires and dote over them like groupies), Minas (who know the truth and fall in love with them anyways), and the occasional Van Helsings (vampyre killers). It’s just a great fusion of Chandler, Cormac McCarthy, and horror. What astounds me the most about it is the moral sophistication of the tale and the exploration into the nature of evil that lies within its pages.

It’s no surprise to me that the screenwriter of Johnny Diamond, Scott Rosenberg, bought an option on this book in February 2007. I think it’s a good match and I hope they’re able to make it happen. Until then, I recommend any of Charlie Huston’s books, especially if you like both crime and horror.

10. Peace Like A River by Leif Enger

Last but not least is a novel that doesn’t contain the usual story staples I’m interested in. Nary a zombie, monster, sword, steampunk setting or action set-piece to be found. I suppose this is something that could be categorized as a “literary novel”, in the sense that it’s not horror, science-fiction or fantasy, and that it contains beautiful language.

It also contains miracles.

Reuben Land appears to be born still-born, and the first miracle appears when his father, Jeremiah Land commands, “In the name of the living God I am telling you to breathe.” And he does. Eleven years later we’re in the 1960s and Rube’s dad is a widowed school custodian. Jeremiah struggles to raise Rube and his two siblings, Davy, who will become an outlaw, and Swede, a precocious girl who writes poems about cowboys and gunplay.

Our story takes off when Davy shoots down two bullies and brigands during a home invasion. He’s put on trial for murder, but he ultimately escapes the jail and heads towards the Badlands. This turns the Land family on its head and it’s not long before Jeremiah puts Rube and his sister in a car and they’re off to find Davy before the FBI does.

The whole time we’re praying that this broken family will be reunited, and through a child’s eyes, we watch the father grapple with the concepts of justice, a father’s duty, and morality. It’s a prosaic and wondrous tale, as beautiful as the worlds contained in the snowflakes Enger writes about.

A simple story told beautifully, not unlike something as heartwrenching and true as Crazy Heart. Because of the lens it brings into the world of hope, love and the supernatural, I much prefer this book to something like The Lovely Bones. I believe this could be a magical movie, a character study in the vein of Southern Gothic stories like A Love Song for Bobby Long, Sling Blade or The Apostle, except the difference here is the setting isn’t the South, but the wondrous winter wonderland of Minnesota. The nature and weather are just as important as the characters.

It’s a tale about true heroism.

Genre: Political Comedy/Satire
Premise: You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
About: This script sold for 2 million dollars in 1990. Adjusted for inflation that would be 3.3 million today. One of the most famous (infamous) spec scripts in history. Why? The premise of course. For those not in the know, Joe Eszterhas, who wrote Basic Instinct, is the most successful screenwriter in history. There was a time when any piece of paper that even got close to his typewriter would sell for a cool million. He sold Basic Instinct for 3 million, Jade for 2.5 million, Showgirls for 2 million, Reliable Sources (unproduced) for 2 million, Male Pattern Baldness (unproduced) for 2 million. And that’s not including the ridiculous amounts of money he got paid for assignment work.
Writer: Joe Eszterhas
Details: 125 pages (April 1, 1990)

There’s a telling clue that you’re in for a strange ride when you open Sacred Cows. The date on the title page reads “April’s Fool, 1990.” I toiled over this strange detail for hours. Was this merely a fancy way of writing down April 1st? Or did Joe Eszterhas fool Hollywood into one of the biggest April Fool’s pranks in history? Or is the April Fool’s prank on us, years later, who’ve been told this screenplay actually sold for 2 million dollars? I mean, it can’t really have been sold for 2 million dollars, right? Not with this premise. There’s no way.

Sacred Cows is about a presidential election for the ages. Jim Taylor, a sort of young sleazy Republican, pushes the “us” campaign. There are many countries struggling across the world. But Taylor’s tired of the way the U.S. throws money at them. What about our country? Why aren’t we investing these dollars in the good ole U. S. of A? On the flip side is Democrat incumbent Sam Parr, 64, an old codger who’s obsessed with India for some reason. The people there are poor. Their economy is non-existent. India needs help. And it’s the United States who can give it to them.

On the outside, Parr embodies the selfless big-hearted moral human being we all aspire to be. But Sam’s got some demons mixed up with all those organs inside his body, namely that he’s obsessed with fucking women. He’s been doing it ever since he got in this whole political game, and his his woman du jour is a big name foxy reporter who – surprise surprise – will do anything for a story.

A day before the first official debate, Taylor’s team sends Parr’s team a message. They wanna talk. It’s important. So Taylor and Parr meet in a dark room minutes before the debate, and Taylor tells him he wants him to drop out of the race. If he doesn’t, he’ll release to the world Parr’s giant secret. We glean from Parr’s expression that whatever this doozy is, it’s big. The kind of thing that makes fucking a network reporter look like a teleprompter mishap.

The next day Parr’s team receives photographic evidence of this secret: Parr, in a barn, FUCKING A COW. Yes, you read that right. Parr is a cow-fucker. Well, he’s not a serial cow fucker. He used to fuck cows as a boy but he hasn’t fucked a cow in over 50 years. Until now. It just so happened that on a recent trip to his childhood home, he got a little nostalgic and…well…decided to give it to Bessie.

Politics is all about spinning. It’s one of the first things you learn when you run for office. But how in the hell do you spin fucking a cow? Parr’s cabinet improvises, doing the best they can with what they’ve got. Maybe they can spin it as a calculated move. The Muslims hate us, are always committing acts of terrorism against us. By fucking a cow, we piss off the Hindus (who hold cows sacred), and since Muslims hate Hindus, by association the Muslims will now love us. Terrorism over.

Which is fine. But Parr is horrified by what he’s done to the carefully crafted relations he’s built up with the Hindus (remember, that was his whole campaign). The Hindus are, understandably, outraged. You don’t exactly break out the champagne when the man in the most powerful position in the world literally FUCKS the animal you hold most sacred. These things don’t go over well. Or so I’ve heard.

No time to worry about that though because a National Enquirer like paper called “The Snitch,” picks up the story and releases a photo of Parr fucking the cow. Luckily it’s dark and grainy and because it’s The Snitch, there’s reason to doubt its authenticity. But it’s just real-looking enough to get the public stirring. Could it really be true? Where’s the beef? It’s in the cow.

In the meantime, his wife, his son, his daughter, and his mistress are all horrified by the revelation. Each feels that their name has been shamed and that they’ll be laughing stocks for the rest of their lives. That is IF the picture is real – which is still a matter of debate. During this time, all the major papers try to decide what to do with the story. Do they really run a headline painting their president as a cow-fucker?

His wife is so devastated that she runs off. Parr is concerned enough that he jumps in a gardener’s truck and chases after her. The Chief Of Staff as well as the rest of the White House is horrified to learn that they have no idea where the President Of The United States is. An already cataclysmic situation has gone nuclear.

The story kinda shifts gears and gets into Parr and his wife’s relationship. They’ve had an understanding throughout their marriage that Parr is going to chase younger tail (oops, bad choice of words) but he will always come back to her. The arrangement has worked until now but I suppose there’s an unwritten rule that when you fuck a cow, all bets are off. His wife doesn’t know if she can get over this one.

Naturally, Parr’s 28 point lead plummets and it becomes abundantly clear he’s got no shot at re-election. The last thing he can do is fly to India and try to repair his relationship with the Hindus. American flag-burning demonstrations have over-taken the country and the resulting violence has led to hundreds of deaths. The president, who up to this point has not given a definitive answer on whether he did or did not fuck that cow, goes to the heart of Calcutta where he gives an internationally televised speech, admitting his crime, and apologizing for it. India is thankful. They accept his apology, and of course, the heartfelt speech ends up swaying public opinion back in America, and helping Parr win the election at the last second.

Ummm…

Hmmm…

Did I really read what I think I just read? Did this really sell for 2 million dollars? I don’t know where to start here. On the one hand, you can say Sacred Cows represents just how insane the spec market was in the 90s. On the other, it’s a lesson that when you get hot as a writer, you can put just about anything down on paper and the powers that be will beg you for it.

Was the script any good? I mean, I guess it was. I admit that there’s a smooth flow to Esztheras’ writing, like taking one continuous gulp of Guiness while floating in a bubble bath. It’s a 125 page behemoth but it reads 35 pages lighter, no doubt in part to Esztheras hitting the gas whenever he gets into dialogue scenes, refusing to weigh them down with large chunks of supplementary action. He allows you to work out the visuals yourself and that’s fine by me.

Another thing I like about Esztheras’ script is how well he hides the structure beneath his story. This isn’t as plot heavy as say, Back To The Future, but there’s definitely some plot here, and I marveled at how little I noticed the act breaks or the story beats. They’re definitely there, but as I was reading them I didn’t notice, which reminded me a lot of a similar titan’s script, Sorkin’s “The Social Network.” You’re wholly unaware of the writer trying to manipulate you, and in my eyes that’s the last piece, after figuring out how to structure a script and craft great characters, to becoming a great writer.

But in the end it’s all just so bizarre. This script. This story. I do feel like the butt of an April Fools’ joke and I’m still not completely convinced that this sale actually happened. I can see it having been announced in Variety (“Esztheras sells script about President who fucks cow for 2 million!”) on April 1st, only to be recanted the next day as a prank. Yet throughout the years, people forgot about the prank part, and it was passed on as a real event. I don’t know. For those of you around back then, did this really happen?

I’m torn about whether to recommend this because while the writing is something to admire, the idea is just too out there. I guess, as a curiosity, it’s worth checking out.

P.S. How great would this script have been had it come out after Bill Clinton’s presidency? A script about a president who has sex with a cow months after Clinton’s affair with Monica Lewinsky? Ahhh…what could’ve been.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Esztheras was known throughout Hollywood as a powder keg. He famously clashed with a studio head about recommended changes to his script. And when I say clashed, I mean he PHYSICALLY FOUGHT him. Esztheras’ philosophy was simple. I don’t tell you how to do your job. You don’t tell me how to do mine. He was the one writer who didn’t act as a doormat for the industry, but rather swept people underneath his own. Now as writers, we’re told to shut up and do as told because we’re a dime a dozen. We can be fired and replaced in less time than it takes to say ‘rewrite.’ Yet here we have the most successful screenwriter in history taking the exact opposite approach. Esztheras went fucking bananas when he found out Verhoven wanted to take out all the sex in Basic Instinct. He fought like a bull in heat and eventually Verhoven relented, keeping the sex in, and as a result made one of the best movies of the 90s. So should you stand up for what you believe in or suck it up and do as told? The overwhelming majority of writers recommend that you shut up and do what they tell you to. Yet the most successful screenwriter in history did the exact opposite. So which is right? I guess you have to decide whether you’re as irreplaceable as Joe Esztheras. If you believe you are, then fight on.