So, I hope all of you experienced lots of sexy time this Valentine’s Day weekend. Or at least ate a lot of chocolate that fell down and partially melted on your sad protruding shirtless belly while you watched the Lord of the Rings trilogy for the 30the time. Either way, I’m sure you’re confused about this weekend’s box office.

Yes, I’m talking about 50 Shades of What The Hell Just Happened and its 81 million dollar domestic haul. Now we all knew the movie was going to do well, but 81 million dollars is the yearly GNP of Cuba. And 50 Shades of Grey means something completely different over there.

Ever since this book became a phenomenon, I’ve been trying to figure it out. I mean, there are movies I cringe at but whose success I still understand. For example, I’ve never sported round black glasses, worn a cape, and rambled off the spell, “Gizzlestorm lazzle-trousers!” yet I know why Harry Potter is a phenomenon. It’s a deeply rich and imaginative world with a very well thought out story.

I tried to read 50 Shades, got halfway through the second chapter, and thought, “This has got to be the worst writing ever.” What is the appeal here? Women are smart. Aren’t they? Why are they buying this garbage? Sure, everyone’s fascinated by sex, but if all you had to do to make 80 million dollars was throw sex into your movie, I’m pretty sure every studio in town would be doing so.

Why, for instance, did that old movie Secretary, starring Maggie Gylenhaal, and covering basically the same subject matter, make 1/40th of this movie’s opening weekend haul? Where was the ravenous female audience then?

I’m tempted to toss this into the “Who the hell knows?” pile but as screenwriters, it’s essential to pay attention to and understand the box office. You want to know what genres are doing well. You want to know what subject matter is doing well. If something bombs, you want to know why. It something becomes a hit, you want to know why.

And that’s not to say you should follow trends. I think it’s fine to follow trends at the beginning of the trend (say as a movie that everyone knows is going to do well approaches its opening weekend). But if there’s been 7 fantasy movies over the last two years, writing another one probably isn’t going to go over well. Even if you’re a Level 20 Elfen.

But I’m still curious to hear your thoughts about 50 shake-and-bakes. Is it pure wish-fulfillment? Is that all it takes to write a hit book/film? Could we do the same for men? Write a movie about a bunch of guys who bang girls with no strings attached? If someone wrote that, would it really make money? Actually, Entourage is coming out soon so we’ll see.

Moving over to a similar topic, I finally finally finally saw Boyhood this weekend. I love Richard Linklater. I like the Before Sunset movies. Slacker was a game-changer. Dazed and Confused is still a classic. But this film had gimmick written on it since it was first announced 15 years ago. Now to its credit, it was probably the most beautiful earnest gimmick in the history of gimmick cinema. But it was still a gimmick.

One of the indisputable strengths of the Hollywood film is its ability to suspend your disbelief. If you start your movie following a six year old boy, and then cut to ten years later where he’s now 16, but played by a different actor, nobody in the audience is going to say, “Oh man, those weren’t the same actors! It was so fake! They were different people! Faaaaake!” Different actors playing the parts of the same character through time is one of easiest things for an audience to buy into.

So why in the world would you film a movie over 15 years to mask something that doesn’t need masking? That people already buy into? UNLESS. Unless you want the making of the movie to be a part of the movie itself. And if you’re doing that, you’re achieving the exact opposite of what you set out to do – which is to suspend people’s disbelief. Cause now all they’re thinking about is the real life person playing the part.

Another irony is that once you take away the unique process of making of this movie, there isn’t a whole lot going on. It’s a kid growing up. And, sure, there’s a naturalism to it that you can argue draws you closer to the experience. But to me, all my fears going in were realized. This was a once-in-a-lifetime Frankenstein-esque experiment and I admire Linklater for trying something different. I just honestly think you could’ve made this exact same movie in four weeks. You wouldn’t get the same publicity you’re getting now for filming over 15 years. But the film itself would be the exact same.

Finally, some of you have written in wanting me to discuss the Oscar screenwriting nominations. The Oscars have always been an interesting topic because I’m not sure the people voting for the winner always know what they’re talking about.

What I’ve found is that, in the case of Adapted Screenplay, the nod usually goes to the script dealing with the most intense social or political issue, regardless of it’s the best script or not. So last year, 12 Years a Slave won when Philomena was a far better screenplay. But one was about slavery and the other an old woman looking for her child. The year before Argo won when, I think, Silver Linings was the better script. In 2009, Precious won when I think Up in the Air was the better screenplay.

On the original screenplay end, the Academy tends to favor scripts that are the most different, regardless of the quality of the script itself. And I think that’s because people in this industry genuinely respect anyone who’s able create something unique inside a business model designed to churn out the exact opposite. So last year, the one-sided romance “Her” won, even though I think both American Hustle and Blue Jasmine were better screenplays. Django Unchained rightfully won the year before that, as it hit that sweet spot of being both different AND the best screenplay of the pack. The year before that, Woody Allen’s weird time-travel film, Midnight in Paris, won, which was likewise a deserving spot.

This year, Birdman is favored, mainly for that same reason. Now do I think Birdman deserves to win the Oscar this year? I think by this point you all know what my feelings are about the Birdman script. I thought it was awful. And I think the only screenplay it’s better than in the nominations is Boyhood. Foxcatcher, The Grand Budapest Hotel, and Nightcrawler are all far better scripts that show real skill and understanding as far as how to write. Birdman is like a wonky fever dream and that doesn’t demonstrate skill in my eyes. But if the Academy votes the way it has been voting, it looks like Birdman will win.

With that in mind, here are the nominations for best original and adapted screenplays and my thoughts on each:

Best Original Screenplay Nominations

Birdman – Zaniness without form. Commendable for its chance-taking, but that’s the only thing it has going for it.

Boyhood – I’m not sure I’d even consider this a screenplay. It’s more like a documentary. Having said that, it’s easily the most unique writing experience of the five entries, as Linklater had to keep rewriting the script over many years to include what was going on in the world. Not sure how that will favor into voters’ minds, nor do I know if they’re even aware of this. In the end though, it’s too simple of a story to win any awards.

Foxcatcher – This has the second best character of all the entries, in Steve Carrel’s John Du Pont. It’s a very understated screenplay but a master class in below-the-surface tension. It’s not all “LOOK AT ME!” like Birdman, which is one of the reasons I liked it so much.

The Grand Budapest Hotel – It’s hard to judge Wes Anderson on his writing alone, since his directing is inexorably linked to everything he puts on the page. While I don’t think this is his best work, this is the best mythology he’s created yet.

Nightcrawler – This is the screenplay that deserves the Oscar hands down. It’s got the best character by far. It moves like lightning. The structure is perfect. The dialogue is top-notch. It doesn’t have the same buzz as Birdman because the directing is so much better in that film. But as a pure screenplay, this crushes Birdman.

Best Adapted Screenplay Nominations

American Sniper – The fact that this is even in the running for an Oscar is a joke. It’s a very boring screenplay highlighted by a fairly interesting character. I hope the Academy isn’t fooled by this film’s mega-success. As words on the page, this is very average screenwriting at best.

The Imitation Game – If the Academy knows what they’re doing, this is the script that should win. It not only has a great central character, but the way it jumped back and forth in time and made a subject matter interesting without the benefit of expanding into the larger picture of the war (at least in the script – we don’t see the war happening) – that’s real skill there.

Inherent Vice – I’ll be honest, I haven’t seen this. But I hear it’s a complete mess. We live in a world where Paul Thomas Anderson gets a screenwriting nomination whenever he makes a film so this is probably taking up the slot of a more deserving screenplay.

The Theory of Everything – I haven’t seen this either so I can’t comment on it. But let’s be honest. The only chance this had at winning is if Stephen Hawking had died before the voting started.

Whiplash – I’m happy that the Academy nominated such a small movie. I don’t love Damien Chazelle as a writer, but this script does have some good things going for it, particularly the character of drum instructor, Terence Fletcher. It goes to show that if you write one lights-out memorable character in your screenplay, your script is going to get some heat.

So which scripts weren’t included but should’ve been? I don’t think there’s any question that Gone Girl should’ve been in there. The Fault in Our Stars may have been teen fare, but it was a really good script. I don’t know about the movie, but St. Vincent was a great script. That’s one of the weird things that hamper this competition. A good script can be screwed up by a first-time director or a bad casting choice, which means a lot of the best scripts go unrecognized. And I think Chef should’ve been in there as well.

Then again, that’s what’s so fun about analyzing this stuff. Everybody has their own opinions. What do you guys think? Which scripts should win it all this year?

The bar has been set, my friends.  Yesterday we had an IMPRESSIVE amateur script.  And it’s all thanks to those of you who did the dirty work, read through each script, and voted.  So let’s find some more great material.  Here’s a new batch of scripts and a new challenge.  Will Johnny Boogers prevail?  Or will one of the other four take the top slot?

Title: Progress
Genre: Historical drama
Logline: Romance, rivals and incompetence take center stage in this mostly-true story about the madcap turmoil surrounding the White House on the eve of World War I.
Why you should read: I am a high school teacher who told my students to follow their dreams–only to have a particular smart-ass throw it back at me and say, “Why don’t YOU follow YOUR dreams?” I am a regular reader of ScriptShadow, but I’ve never submitted anything. Without the eyes and minds of others, I fear my ability is plateauing.

So here I am, still trying to improve my craft, submitting a script unlike any other and taking one step closer to my dream of being a professional storyteller.

Damn teenagers.

Title: The Pitch
Genre: Comedy
Logline: Three advertising gurus compete for a lucrative contract to sell L’Oreal tampons during the Super bowl.
Why you should read: This is an edgy high concept grounded comedy with creative risk attached. You will certainly not get bored. As an amateur, I have tried to learn and absorb everything in a condensed six year period. And now it’s time to throw that all away and just let those creative juices flow…..Who says you can’t sell tampons during the Super bowl?? The topic is taboo, the campaign controversial and the plan is brilliant. I really hope you enjoy the read and you feel the passion in every word. For what it’s worth, if you decide to review it, I would be more than happy to buy you a beer. Thanks for the consideration.

Title: Rigged
Genre: Contained/Action
Logline: Working overtime at the Freedom Tower on Super Bowl Sunday, a stressed out family man’s day becomes a cat-and-mouse fight for survival when he stumbles on a homegrown terrorist’s plot to blow up the building then goes from bad to worse when he discovers the only way down is in a perilous swaying window washing rig.
Why you should read: Trying to write a script set almost entirely in a high-rise window washing rig and keep it entertaining throughout at first thought may appear extremely difficult, yet by the end we had to edit some of the action out.
The lead character is no tough guy action man either and the antagonist purposely doesn’t have any dialogue. Always go big, so the continual height and precarious situation being the main fear factor played on along with endless calamitous events which befall the lead, keep the script fitting the Goals, Stakes, Urgency rule and the midpoint shift.
We, my brother and I write apart, post work and family and really hope you enjoy Rigged and look forward to your informed comments which will undoubtedly prove invaluable.

Title: Bugged Out
Genre: Dark Comedy – Sort of…maybe…well, not sure
Logline: As society collapses all around them, a hen-pecked doomsday prepper reaches deep inside himself to do whatever he needs in order to lead his reluctant family to the safety of their bug out location.
Why you should read: This is my second script, with my first, Ship of the Dead, pulled through the knothole that is Scriptshadow just over a year ago. Thanks to your reviews, Ship did fairly well in contests and festivals: winning its genre at the Toronto International Film Festival, taking second at Denver’s Mile High Film Festival, and was a Top Ten Finalist in the 2013 PAGE International Screenwriting Awards, among others. I’m hoping for constructive criticism, if for no other reason than to hone my craft. This stuff’s hard! And thanks!

Title: Johnny Boogers
Genre: Supernatural Dramedy
Logline: When a delusional drunk retires to the Mexican Border to be left alone, dead desert barflies, a video-game gunslinger and the local drug lord just won’t leave him be.
Why you should read: Everything I’ve written to date has placed at either Nicholl or Austin. This latest effort, I believe, is my best so far, but I write full-time next to the Santa Susanna Nuke plant out in West Hills/Simi Valley. JOHNNY BOOGERS is pretty out there. The percolates, PCE contamination and plutonium migration might be clouding my judgment — I could use some honest opinions, and a new place to live. I would gladly settle for the former.

Get Your Script Reviewed On Scriptshadow!: To submit your script for an Amateur Review, send in a PDF of your script, along with the title, genre, logline, and finally, something interesting about yourself and/or your script that you’d like us to post along with the script if reviewed. Use my submission address please: Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Remember that your script will be posted. If you’re nervous about the effects of a bad review, feel free to use an alias name and/or title. It’s a good idea to resubmit every couple of weeks so your submission stays near the top.

Genre: Martial Arts/Asian Epic
Premise (from writer): A rebellious-minded woman in ancient China seeks the help of Shaolin to save her village from a love-obsessed General and his bloodthirsty Captain.
Why You Should Read (from writer): I’m a 44 year-old soccer mom who secretly loves kung fu. There are a lot of us out there – sneaking into Man of Tai Chi after the lights go down; snagging a $5 copy of Ip Man at 2nd & Charles so the Netflix queue stays “clean.” Every day we chauffeur, tend, cook, coordinate and cajole while desperately longing to settle things with a swift scorpion kick.

“Wars of Eternal Spring” took shape after the perfect storm of a “fu-binge,” Robert Downey, Jr. interview and spur-of-the-moment Google on “Wing Chun style.” Not long afterwards I read that Keanu Reeves was looking for his “next story” to direct. Filling needs is practically my raison d’etre these days, so the off-hand words of a man I’m never likely to meet were more than enough to fuel a feeble flame and get writing.

I gave myself a year. I even told my therapist. In between writing bouts I read screenplays and books on creative processes, story structure and character development. I searched high and low for a critique group. All the while I worked, re-worked and started to get a sense of how much time, realistically, writing anything worthwhile takes.

I believe that the biggest room in the world is the room for improvement. Your professional, experienced review would go a long way toward helping me do that. Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Writer: Elizabeth Barilleaux
Details: 100 pages

So when Wars of Eternal Spring won the Amateur Offerings, I’m not going to lie in being a little suspicious of the voters’ motives. A soccer mom who loves kung-fu may very well be every male screenwriter’s fantasy. I actually think it would be hilarious if Elizabeth was a guy and made this persona up just to stand out a bit more. And you know what? If that were the case, I’d say “well done.” In this business, you gotta use every little trick in your bag to get noticed.

But when the script hits Amateur Friday, it doesn’t matter if you’re a pimple-faced geek who plays the accordion or a European runway model. I’m judging the script on the content. I will say this though. It’s pretty cool to read a genre that’s never been reviewed before on Scriptshadow. Let’s see what happens!

Poor Wing Chun. She’s one of the few women in ancient China who’s been taught martial arts. And while that may make a woman hot stuff today, it made them the definition of unattractive back then. In fact, after taking down a thief for stealing apples from a fruit vendor, even the fruit vendor tells Wing Chun to screw off. You’re welcome very much!

Wing Chun’s life changes when an army from the Qing Dynasty moves into her village to sniff out possible Ming hiding nearby. The army is led by the handsome General Jin, who’s immediately taken by the unorthodox Wing Chun. His second in command, however, Ganbaatar, is a little less welcoming, and is convinced that Wing Chun’s fighting skills are a result of her working with the Ming.

Ganbaatar’s wrath becomes so intense that Wing Chun is forced to flee into the mountains, where she searches out the Shaolin Temple, a place where she’s wanted to train all her life – despite knowing they would never train a woman. When she gets there, however, she finds that the Shaolin Temple has been destroyed by the Qing.

Luckily, she meets an old hermit who used to be a Shaolin, and after some initial resistance, the hermit decides to train her. In the meantime, Ganbaatar is running roughshod all over the village, and the villagers, as well as Wing Chun’s family, find themselves in danger. Wing Chun and the hermit (who may not be who he appears to be) will need to come back to the village to save the day – a task as ridiculous as it is impossible.

Let me preface this by saying I’m not really into these kinds of movies. I like kung-fu when Neo’s doing it. But wire-fu in Ancient China ain’t my cup of tea. However, if you’ve been paying attention to Scriptshadow for awhile now, you know that the fighting and the chases and the action are just the icing on the cake. The CAKE is the characters. If you can make us fall in love with your characters, it doesn’t really matter what they’re doing. They could be washing windows, breakdancing, spelunking, or fighting in Ancient China. We’re going to care.

These characters – and really this entire script – is written with such skill, I’m shocked Elizabeth isn’t already represented. Our main character, Wing Chun, isn’t just a great character. She could be an iconic character if this movie is ever made. Elizabeth captures the travesty of being a unique woman at a time when individuality wasn’t accepted from that set of chromosomes. Wing Chun’s underdog story rivals that of William Wallace in Braveheart and Maximus in Gladiator. And hell, Neo too! You can’t help but root for the girl.

And all the characters here feel authentic. They all have fears and flaws and pasts, and in a way that doesn’t dominate the story. A lot of times I’ll see writers give their secondary characters big fat backstories, halting the script in the process, resulting in boredom. Elizabeth is able to paint every single character with depth, but never in a way that slows the story down. This script is only 100 pages, yet it feels like this vast epic. It’s really impressive.

Take General Jin for instance. He’s this lonely man who dreams of a softer life than the one the military provides. The occupation of this village for him has nothing to do with searching out the Ming. He uses it as an excuse to settle down – to live the peaceful life he’s always wanted. At the other extreme is Ganbaatar, who’s lived this reckless violent life, and who doesn’t trust a soul. It’s rare that a straightforward villain doesn’t feel “on-the-nose,” but Elizabeth manages to make Ganbaatar both evil and real – a rare feat.

I loved some of the twists and turns in the story as well (spoilers). The monk secretly being Ng Mui came out of nowhere – and it was one of those pleasant surprises that most writers tend to force. Because this script was so beautifully written though, it was like, “Of course she was pretending to be the hermit! It makes perfect sense!”

I loved how Elizabeth plucked little ideas out of the fairytale universe as well, such as the evil stepmother, who was great. And it was fun to see her use The Hero’s Journey in a way where you knew she was using it, yet it never forced itself upon the story. So many writers use a structure (basic 3 act structure, sequencing, Blake Snyder beat sheet, Hero’s Journey) and force it on the story. It takes a real pro to use a structure as a guide, but have that structure be invisible in the final product.

But I think the thing that most impressed me was the overall quality of the writing. Usually you have a writer who’s good at one or two things and then bad at a few others. Here we had someone who understood the history of this world, who understood the depths of this genre, who knew how to write powerful and memorable characters, who nailed the dialogue (not easy in a period piece), who nailed the structure.

And on top of all that, it was just a good story. I liked how, even though the first 50 pages were stuck in the village, Elizabeth kept the tension high with conflict. If you’re going to be in one location, you need to include a ton of conflict between the characters. So we have Ganbaatar who doesn’t trust Wing Chun. We have General Jin who falls for Wing Chun. We have the villagers who don’t want their village occupied anymore. There’s just a general discontent everywhere, so we’re not even aware that the story isn’t technically moving yet.

And then, Elizabeth wisely moves to a more traditional tale in the second half of the story, where we have a big goal – find the Shaolin Temple and train. And, of course, like we were just talking about a few days ago, Elizabeth throws a shitload of obstacles in the way. The Qing catch up to Wing Chun in the mountains. The Shaolin Temple has been burned down once she gets there. It was just a really compelling story led by a really compelling main character.

The only issues I had were minor ones. From what I understood, Young Li was Wing Chun’s real brother and Fan was her step-sister. So Young Li wanted to marry Fan? So he’s marrying his step-sister? Was that something that was legal or kosher back then? Cause it seemed a little incestuous to me. Also, there were a few scenes where it seemed like Young Li wanted to marry Wing Chun. You were just a little too vague and it led to confusion.

Also, I was frustrated at first about all the sides. I didn’t understand who the Qing was, who the Ming was, and how the Shaolin fit into it all. So when, for instance, Ganbaatar would get angry at anyone who sided with the Shaolin, I didn’t know what that meant, since I thought the Shaolin were neutral. I know a quick title card explaining these things at the beginning of the screenplay might invade on the “purity” of the story. But it’s something that could help people not steeped in Chinese lore.

Finally, we just need to break up a few of these chunky paragraphs (anything over 4 lines), particularly in the last act, when the reader’s eyes should be moving more quickly down the page.

But yeah, this is high-class writing here. We don’t see this much on Amateur Friday. I have to give it to Elizabeth. She’s set a high bar for all future Amateur Offerings this year. Great job!

Script link: Wars of Eternal Spring

[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[x] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Honestly, I think my biggest takeaway from this script is the power of writing about something you’re passionate and knowledgeable about. Nothing comes through more than when you love your subject matter. You’re always going to go that extra mile to get it right. Had someone who was only a casual fan of Ancient Martial Arts movies written this, there’s no way it would’ve come even close to Elizabeth’s script. So keep that in mind when you’re coming up with your next screenplay.

Genre: Dark Comedy
Premise: A manager at a small town fast food restaurant must use every resource available to come up with 10 grand in 24 hours, after losing a “sure-thing” bet.
About: This finished near the middle of the pack of last year’s Black List with 11 votes. Writer Jeff Lock, who worked as an assistant for director Allen Coulter (Extant) made the unique choice of sending his script out without getting representation first. It’s a rare luxury people with contacts in the business can afford to do. As such, it creates a buzz on both the buying end and on the representation end, allowing you to get more bang for your buck. Of course, the script has to be good to pull it off. And Beef (described as the next “Fargo”) is definitely that.
Writer: Jeff Lock
Details: 106 pages – January 2014 draft

Rockwell for Jason?

Remember when spec script, Moonfall, with its infamous storm on the moon scene, was being trumpeted as “Fargo on the moon.” And everyone got all excited about the possibilities of that until they read the thing and realized the script couldn’t have been more un-Fargo if it had tried?

Well, luckily, today’s script, also described as “Fargo-esque” actually IS like Fargo. It’s got the small town feel to it. It’s got some fucked up weird characters. It’s got an anti-hero who finds himself falling deeper and deeper into his own concocted demise. It’s got that dark black humor that served Fargo so well.

The only thing it doesn’t have is that “Coens” branded name attached to it. And that’ll be its biggest hurdle in its attempt to become a film that people actually see.

“Beef” follows gambling-addict Jason, the manger of a Muncie, Indiana “Beefy’s” who’s just lost a bet on the Indy 500 of all things, and now owes 10,000 dollars to the local bookie. The problem is Jason doesn’t have 10,000 dollars. But he does have Beefy’s.

In his eternal wisdom, Jason decides to exploit a company policy which forces employees to acquiesce to anyone robbing the store. Jason tells the bookie’s assistant to come visit him after closing hours tomorrow, he’ll hand over all the money in the safe, plus an extra grand for the trouble, and then tell the police some black guy in a ski mask stole it.

It seems like such a simple plan. Until just about everything that can go wrong the next day does. First of all, Beefy’s only has about half of what he owes. So he needs to make another five grand by the end of the day before the “robbery” occurs.

His oldest employee, Florence, starts off the day by having a heart attack and dying. His two stoned minimum-wage employees both throw up and pass out when they see this. For this reason, all the roast beef burns in the oven, leaving Jason with five grand to make and not a single roast to work with.

So he sends the stoned employees over to the other Beefy’s across town to get more roasts – a tricky endeavor since the manager at the store hates Jason and would rather have sex with a cow than give away his precious roast beef. In the meantime, the bookie’s assistant starts spreading the word that you can just walk into Beefy’s and they’re forced to hand over whatever money they have, so now other people want to rob the store too.

And let’s not forget about the sociopathic freaky-as-all-hell Deer-Heads. These are the guys who work for the man who owns Jason’s bookie. They learn that the bookie is planning on skipping town and not paying up, forcing them to get involved with poor Jason, who doesn’t have anything to do with that end of the problem.

The truth is, all Jason wants to do is get past this and get the hell out of Muncie. Move to Florida, get a job he loves instead of one he loathes, and live a happy life. But as this day goes on, it becomes more and more unclear if he’ll make it out alive.

Beef was a juicy script. I mean, it’s a little bit frustrating because you know it’s probably going to be a movie that stars Sam Rockwell that will be shot in 23 days and therefore have that rushed look that only a Sundance mother can love.

But as a screenplay, this is a great piece of writing to study and I’ll tell you why. It uses one of the most powerful tools in screenwriting. The tool of “How can I make things as difficult as possible for my hero?”

Because that’s all this script is. Jason gets into a classic movie dilemma. He owes a lot of money within a timeframe that he can’t meet. His goal is to get that money. The stakes are if he doesn’t, they kill him. And the urgency is 24 hours.

Once you have a clear GSU situation set up, you can start to utilize the WTWTTCH (what’s the worst thing that can happen) tool. For example, what’s the worst thing that could happen when Jason walks into the store the next morning? Well, one of his employees is dead!

What’s the next worst thing? Well, all the beef he needs to sell that day has been burned. What’s the next worst thing? The only place he can get new beef won’t give it to him.

Almost every single segment of this screenplay is Jason needing something and something getting in the way of that need.

For example, Jason needs to make a ton of money today and the regular everyday foot traffic isn’t going to cut it. So he makes a call out to local sports teams, stores, universities – and gets them to order Beefy’s catering that day. This provides an opportunity to throw more obstacles into the mix. When these people show up to collect their food, he doesn’t even have the beef! So he has to figure out a way to get them the food.

In the business world, you’re supposed to come from a place of YES. When the customer wants something, you always say “yes.” In the screenwriting world – particularly in regards to your main character – you want to come from a place of NO. You always want to deny them what they want, as that will force them to find other ways to get what they want, and those ways tend to be more entertaining.

There’s one other tip I wanted to highlight with this screenplay. When you place your hero in a dangerous situation – one where they owe money for example – you must show the reader what will happen if the goal isn’t met. Because if we don’t get the sense that our main character is in any real danger, we’ll never feel that afraid for him throughout the movie.

I like to call this the villain’s “proof of concept” scene. It’s the scene where we show just how fucking evil and terrifying our villain is. So in Beef, when Jason initially comes to his bookie to tell him he doesn’t have the money, Lock writes this scene where the bookie calls his little niece down, gives her a giant shotgun she can barely hold, places an apple on Jason’s head, and tells her to shoot it off.

There’s this lingering sense of dread as the little girl’s muscles strain just to keep the gun propped up and pointed at the apple. At the last second, the bookie doesn’t go through with it, but the message is clear. This guy doesn’t fuck around. He will kill you in some sick sociopathic way if you don’t deliver. And now the rest of the journey feels purposeful, since we’ve LITERALLY SEEN what will happen if Jason fails.

Movies like Beef are at a crossroads these days. Unless you have that big a) director or b) actor that allows you to make an Oscar run, more and more of these films are going straight to Itunes, which means a lot of people are missing them. Beef is right on that cusp of being either the “forgettable Itunes” movie or the “Oscar contender.” It’ll all depend on who they get. I wish them luck because this was a good script.

[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Take your script to Obstacle City – Just look for ways to place as many obstacles in the way of your hero as possible. Obstacles are where conflict comes from. And conflict leads to drama. This is what the Coens do really well, and it’s a big part of why they’re known as two of the best screenwriters in the business.

I’ll start today’s Amateur Offerings out by offering a couple of tips.  It’s funny because the things I assume are common sense are mistakes I keep seeing over and over again.  First, when you’re submitting a script anywhere, don’t start your e-mail with “To Whom It May Concern.” Know where and who you’re sending your script to and address them personally. In a world where people are so busy that they’re looking for every excuse to say no, an informal greeting gurantees your query won’t be read. In addition to this, please know the difference between words like “it’s” and “its” and “who’s” and “whose.” I will, without hesitation, dismiss these queries as soon as I read the misused word. This may seem cruel. But my experiences have taught me that these are always the sloppiest scripts.  Okay, here are this week’s contenders!  Read and tell us what you think in the comments.

Title: New Coke
Genre: Comedy/Drama
Premise: In 1985 the Coca-Cola company made the epicallly boneheaded decision to discontinue its original flavor in favor of a newer, sweeter one. A national nightmare ensued, which forever changed the destinies of three southern families.
Why You Should Read: It’s a mostly true story about one of the most fascinating marketing cases of modern times. Yes, it could be considered a long commercial for Coca-Cola, but it worked out for “The Lego Movie”, didn’t it?

Title: Wars of Eternal Spring
Genre: Martial arts/Asian epic
Logline: A rebellious-minded woman in ancient China seeks the help of Shaolin to save her village from a love-obsessed General and his bloodthirsty Captain.
Why You Should Read:  I’m a 44 year-old soccer mom who secretly loves kung fu. There are a lot of us out there – sneaking into Man of Tai Chi after the lights go down; snagging a $5 copy of Ip Man at 2nd & Charles so the Netflix queue stays “clean.” Every day we chauffeur, tend, cook, coordinate and cajole while desperately longing to settle things with a swift scorpion kick.

“Wars of Eternal Spring” took shape after the perfect storm of a “fu-binge,” Robert Downey, Jr. interview and spur-of-the-moment Google on “Wing Chun style.” Not long afterwards I read that Keanu Reeves was looking for his “next story” to direct. Filling needs is practically my raison d’etre these days, so the off-hand words of a man I’m never likely to meet were more than enough to fuel a feeble flame and get writing.

I gave myself a year. I even told my therapist. In between writing bouts I read screenplays and books on creative processes, story structure and character development. I searched high and low for a critique group. All the while I worked, re-worked and started to get a sense of how much time, realistically, writing anything worthwhile takes.

I believe that the biggest room in the world is the room for improvement. Your professional, experienced review would go a long way toward helping me do that. Thanks in advance for your consideration.

Title: Lights On The Lake
Genre: Sci-Fi Thriller
Logline: When a young woman fails to convince a small town that a former Nazi scientist is responsible for the death of her husband, she decides to destroy the menace herself.
Why you should read: I’ve spent a few years researching MK-Ultra and other Cold War mind control experiments from the early-1950’s. What I found most fascinating was the shadowy personnel employed by the government agencies as well as the strong resistance of the local populations, even though many of them where being completely misled by authorities.

Title: West Carver High
Genre: Horror
Logline: After all the teachers of a small-town high school disappear out of thin air, the students find themselves trapped in the building with man-eating wendigos… and no one is coming to save them.
Why You Should Read: You know what I hate in horror films? Dumb teenagers. I’d like to think this script is mostly absent of that, at least as far as “hey guys let’s put ourselves in danger because reasons!” I also wanted to capture how a group of teenagers would react in the face of an extraordinary, otherworldly event with no adult oversight. In this case, much of the student body reacts in a horrifying way: by building and supporting a monstrous social hierarchy just as threatening as the “real” monsters hiding in the school. I pitch it as in the vein of THE SHINING and LORD OF THE FLIES. Oh, and one more thing: an older draft of this made the semi finals in the Creative World Awards — so I’d love your perspective to help bring this script to the next level. Thank you!

Title: Condemned
Genre: Horror
Premise: Controlled-demolition experts tasked with bringing down an eerie grand hotel awaken the deadly supernatural force inside, putting them into a fight for their lives to escape (It’s the Overlook Hotel from THE SHINING meets explosive experts).
Why you should read: Since our last Amateur Friday appearance, we’ve been working hard to hone our craft and learn from our shortcomings on THE HOSTAGE. Have we made forward progress? We’re hoping Scriptshadow fans would like to know! Our latest collaboration, CONDEMNED, works in the same low-budget horror realm as THE HOSTAGE, but (hopefully) has richer characters and more satisfying surprises. Is the second time the charm? (Although, to be clear, the first time was definitely a charm–Scriptshadow got that script optioned.