Many time travel stories have contemplated going back in time and killing Hitler. This one tackles going back in time and saving him.

To submit your script for an Amateur Review, send it in PDF form, along with your title, genre, logline, and why I should read your script to Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Keep in mind your script will be posted in the review (feel free to keep your identity and script title private by providing an alias and fake title). Also, it’s a good idea to resubmit every couple of weeks so that your submission stays near the top of the pile.

Genre: Sci-fi
Premise: (from me – not writer) In an alternate future where freedom is nonexistent, a young woman must recruit her time-travelling great grandfather to go back in time and save Hitler.
About: This one was referred highly to me from the same writer who referred “Rose In The Darkness,” so I was really excited to read it.
Writer: Jeffrey J. Marks
Details: 116 pages

So, um, like, when you live in the future, then travel back to the past, then contact your great uncle who’s originally from the future but currently resides in the present, to help you contact the alternate you in an alternate timeline who exists in both the past, present and future, you must kill yourself in all alternate and current time periods in order to free the world from the past, which is only a problem because of what someone did in the future.

Just like old Georgie Washington, I’m not gonna tell a lie. This script confused the living daylights out of me. I was desperate for Marty and Doc to come in, pause the screenplay, and engage in one of their classic time-travel exposition scenes so I could have some semblance of what was happening.

This is the risk you run when you write a complex time travel script (or really any complex plot). The second your reader can’t follow along anymore, your screenplay is finished. So you have to be careful. You have to do everything in your power to make sure that every potentially confusing plot development is easy for the reader to understand.

There’s some cool stuff in “The Great War,” no doubt. But it just became too hard to follow after awhile, and I was constantly forgetting what the ultimate goal was. You’ll probably pick up on some of that here in the synopsis.

It’s the year 2000. And there are flying cars everywhere.

Say what??

Yeah, that’s the first thing that threw me. Young Megan Wheeler is shocked when her bloody father stumbles into their apartment and tells her that everything she knows about the past is a lie and that she has to find her great grandfather (who’s only a couple of years older than her for some reason) and go back to the past to fix everything! Are you still following me?

Cut back to World War 1. We’re in the middle of one of those ugly trench battles where soldiers are shooting mustard gas at each other. It’s ugly. But ugly turns to bizarre when a Blackhawk helicopter appears out of nowhere and starts gunning everyone down, both the Germans AND the Allies. Equal opportunity killing!

The helicopter is being commanded by Colonel Jack Bowman, a guy who loves the smell of mustard gas in the morning. But the one who got him there is a geeky little guy named James Wheeler. Yes, Wheeler as in related to Megan! This guy invented time travel so that they could go back, kill Hitler, and prevent the Holocaust from ever happening. Not a bad idea.

Except Bowman has other plans once he gets a look the place. Oh sure, he kills Hitler all right. But then he takes his place, and creates a United World Front led by, well, HIM! And then his son. And then his grandson.

Flash back – err, I mean forward – to 2017, where Megan is now 28. She’s kept her promise and has been looking for Jim Wheeler for two decades now. And she’s found him. He works up in Wisconsin trying to create synthetic milk. She grabs a friend, heads up there, and confronts him, explaining that he (or some alternate-time version of him) created time travel and she needs him to bring her back in time I think so they can kill Bowman so he doesn’t rule the world for the next 100 years.

Wheeler doesn’t believe this chick and it doesn’t really matter anyway since a couple government dudes tell him he’s been transferred to a 500 story building where they produce water. Milk to water sounds like a major demotion. Bummer. But Megan doesn’t give up. Even though the evil government is after her, she gets to the water tower and makes a second plea to Wheeler, one he finally listens to.

The duo realize that if they have any shot at changing the past to change the future, they will need access to the since-thrown-in-a-museum Blackhawk helicopter that still secretly has a time machine on it. The only time that helicopter is going to be available is at the 100th Anniversary celebration of Unification, and that will be headed by President Jack Bowman III himself, making it nearly impossible to pull off their plan.

Did you get all that? Because I didn’t. I’ll say this. I have no doubt that Jeffrey himself knows what’s going on here. But I think he severely underestimates what we know.

Now if complexity was the only problem, I wouldn’t be so harsh. But there are numerous issues here, starting with the boring jobs Marks chose to give Wheeler. They didn’t have anything to do with anything, as far as I could tell. Putting one of your lead characters in a synesthetic milk manufacturer is so weird it’s practically begging for some major payoff. Like maybe cows are the key to time travel. I don’t know. But there wasn’t. There was no connection to the milk whatsoever.

Ditto with the water job. It was random. I kept waiting and waiting for something plot-related to come out of it. Like maybe Bowman was going to keep water from all the people unless they did what he wanted.  But it never happened.

More concerning to me, though, was the deja-vu jailbreaking of Wheeler. We go through this whole thing of getting him out of the milk factory. But then he’s transferred over to a water factory and we have to go through the exact same thing all over again. It would be like in The Matrix if, after they snagged Neo and brought him onto the ship, they accidentally dropped him back into the Matrix and they had to start all over again, with us enduring a second 30 minutes of them looking for Keanu.

It was around that time that I just gave up. I was still reading but my concentration was sapped, especially when we started talking about alternate timelines and if the current versions of the characters would disappear if they successfully killed the previous versions of the bad guys. My mind didn’t want to go there. It hurt so bad.

I did think the 3rd act idea of going back to the past to SAVE Hitler in order to save the world was a clever one, but there were so many things to keep track of by that point that I couldn’t fully appreciate the irony.

If I were to boil my difficulty with this one down to a single word, that word would be: Confusion. I was constantly confused. That’s the big piece of advice I’d give to Jeffrey moving forward. Simplify the story and try to explain things a little clearer.

Script link: The Great War

[ ] Wait for the rewrite
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: If any plot points in your script are taking a really long time to explain, that’s a sign they may be too complicated. Consider going with something simpler instead. This does NOT mean dumbing down your story. Quite the opposite. Clever story twists and big payoffs work mainly because the writer was able to convey all his plot points simply. It’s because we always understood what was going on that the twist (or unexpected plot development) worked so well.

What I learned 2: Stay away from this female character description: “Her tough exterior does little to mask her natural beauty.” I’ve read that description a billion times. It’s very generic. Go the extra mile and give your female character a unique description, something no one’s read before!

Let’s try not to be this guy.

Something that’s been working really well lately is including amateur screenplays in my weekly newsletter.  The feedback has really helped me determine which scripts to review and raised the quality of Amateur Friday immensely.  That’s not to say I don’t want to ever review a bad amateur script again.  You can learn a lot from reading a bad screenplay.  In fact, it’s one of the more underrated ways of improving your screenwriting.  When you read something good, the screenwriting world is all roses and bunnies.  Everything seems easy and it’s impossible to do wrong.  But when you read something bad, you more easily identify similar mistakes in your own writing.  “Ohhh,” you realize, “that’s why the love scene between my blind protagonist and his autistic boss doesn’t work.”  It’s a chore to get through those scripts, I know, but I promise you’ll be a better writer for it.

The success of the amateur newsletter has given me all sorts of ideas on how to expand the hunt for material and continue to give writers more opportunities to break through.  But it’s only going to work if you guys participate.  So if you’re on the newsletter, take a minute and download the amateur scripts.  Read until you get bored, whether that be on page 1 or page 120.  Report back to me on what you thought and, if you stopped reading, why.   You could be the person who notices a quality screenplay, resulting in a review, and maybe getting that writer noticed by the industry.  You could make a difference!  And I promise you, making a difference is one of the best feelings you can get in this business.

If it all works out, days like these will have even better scripts, since you won’t be picking from completely random screenplays, but rather screenplays that have already been approved by your peers!   Now for you vets, you know how today works.  For you newbies, I’m including the first ten pages of 10 amateur screenplays that have been submitted to me for Amateur Friday.  Read anything that sounds interesting (or doesn’t) and share your opinions in the comments section.  Any script that gets a fair share of positive feedback will probably get reviewed on the site.  Enjoy!

Title: The Plea
Genre: Drama
Logline: Patrick McQuaid comes from a tough, working class, South Boston-Irish Catholic family. He finished at the top of his class in law school, recently passed his bar exam but has never tried a case. That changes when he takes an in-house counsel position at a Boston Free Clinic, where he has to defend an Iraqi vet suffering from PTSD, who’s on trial for the attempted murder of a Boston Police Officer.
Extra details: Included in my latest newsletter, some of you reported back that this one was pretty good.

Title: Thread
Genre: Crime/Musical
Logline: Set in a fictionalized Los Angeles, over run by a sprawling favela called “Paradise City,” Vale, a young man, joins Paradise’s notorious kidnapping gang to exact revenge on a system that failed him.
Extra details: A couple of people have told me that this one has something to it.  Others have told me it’s unreadable.   I like bizarre scripts that take chances.  And we never have musicals on here.  So even though I haven’t read it myself , I’d like to get more feedback on it.  If this one’s good, it could be a fun one to review.

Title: Scion
Genre: Supernatural
Logline: A naive young man’s dreams of a normal life is hijacked by a charismatic “faith healer” and a powerful media tycoon when both become hell bent on exploiting the young man’s amazing gift…the power to raise the dead. — This one comes from a writer who’s optioned a couple of scripts but hasn’t yet broken through.
Extra details: Of all the amateur scripts I’ve sent out recently, this one is getting the best response.  I’ve decided I’m already going to review it, but thought I’d put it up anyway to see what you guys think.

Title: Hamsters
Genre: British darkly-comedic caper-thriller.
Logline: A writer’s inadvertent bag-swap with a pair of BDSM aficionados, one of whom is a would-be blackmailer, leads to murder … and hamsters!
Extra details: I just had to give this one a shot because the author’s e-mail picture is actually him holding a hamster.

Title: The Great Belzoni
Genre: Historical Adventure
Logline: The Great Belzoni is based on the life of Giovanni Belzoni (1778-1823), a 6’8″ circus strongman who journeys to Egypt in 1815 and becomes the greatest buccaneer in the history of Archaeology. Using modern scientific methods, he robs the Pharaohs tombs and fills an entire wing of the British Museum.
Extra Details: From the writer on why you should read the script: “My inspiration for this script is Raiders of the Lost Ark. To me, it’s a perfect movie, one of the greats. I know everyone on Script Shadow loves it as well. But when I send the script out to Agents and Producers, all I hear is how much they like the writing but because it’s a period piece and they’re afraid to touch it. A period piece? Raiders, in case they forgot, was a period piece AND the greatest action movie ever made! — Even though The Great Belzoni is set in 1815 and is based on actual events, I tried to make it a slam-bang action movie in the pulp style of Raiders of the Lost Ark. It has bar fights, chase scenes (on land and water), shoot-outs, sword fights, duels, scientific displays, tomb openings, tomb robberies, warehouse robberies, treasure maps, dastardly villains, damsels in distress, friendships, love and the pursuit of immortality.

Title: The Life Intended
Genre: action/drama/fantasy
Logline: A wrongfully institutionalized teen and the father she never knew must navigate a cross-country road trip littered with assassins to pass on a supernatural family legacy and control of a billion dollar foundation.
Extra Details: Writer is moving his family to LA to pursue the dream. Now that’s putting it all on the line!

Title: Cow Cross Calling
Genre: Period/drama/action
Logline: A condemned-to-hang London thief discovers he has more in common with his enemies than his masters when he’s gang-pressed into a secret frontier war in early Australia.
Extra Details: I gave the writer notes on this one. Has one of the more gruesome opening scenes I’ve read!

Title: Aquaman: Redemption Hour
Genre: Action/Comedy (How can an Aquaman movie be anything BUT a comedy?)
Logline: Aquaman retires when he is fired from the Justice League for being a “lame superhero.” But when mankind’s safety is threatened by a natural disaster and a dangerous adversary, he is the world’s only hope. Unfortunately, he must battle his own insecurities first.
Extra Details: Included in the e-mail: “I think that you should read my script because it is basically the “Anti-Superhero-Movie” movie. It is inspired, funny, and unique. Where else would you find a script about a superhero who interrogates a shark, has a goldfish for a best friend, and kicks a dolphin’s ass?”  This writer sounds funny.  Interested to see if the script is the same.

Title: Princess Park
Genre: Drama
Logline: When a teenage girl claims the Virgin Mary is appearing to her in a Seattle park, a media circus ensues and the Vatican is compelled to send in an investigator to learn the truth.
Extra Details: Writer got a callback from Bruckheimer Films about TV ideas after reading the script.

Title: The Serial Killer’s Apprentice
Genre: Thriller
Logline: A terminally ill serial killer selects an apprentice to carry on his work. But when his protege spirals out of control and targets the mentor’s estranged daughter, the mentor must stop the monster he’s created.
Extra Details: Writer’s reason for us to read: “I think you should read THE SERIAL KILLER’S APPRENTICE because it has fascinating, unconventional characters, a unique sense of humor and compelling irony with resonating, universal themes of mortality and regret. It isn’t afraid to take risks which, in this day and age, is a breath of fresh air.”

 

Download these pages and tell me what you think. Also, if you’re one of these writers and your script doesn’t seem to be getting any mentions in the comments section, ask the community why. What is it that’s keeping them from reading or commenting on your script?  This is probably the best way for all writers to learn what goes into the process of selection. Good luck. I hope we find something great! :)

This project is bursting with backstory to the point where you don’t know what to focus on. Maybe we’ll start here: Is “What Makes Sammy Run” the next Citizen Kane?

Genre: Comedy-Drama
Premise: In the 1930s, energizer-bunny producer Sammy Glick became one of the biggest producers in Hollywood. But even with all his success, he still had one thing missing – someone to understand him.
About: This one has an interesting backstory. The script is based on a 1940s novel by Budd Schulberg, who happened to be the screenwriter for 1954’s Oscar-winning screenplay, “On the Waterfront.” Now this is just hearsay, but the rumor is that Steven Spielberg acquired “Sammy” to make sure it never got turned into a movie because of its blatant racism towards Jews. Still, Ben Stiller became attached to star somehow and wrote the script with Jerry Stahl, the guy Stiller portrayed in the cult favorite, Permanent Midnight, which Stahl wrote. That was about Stahl’s $6000 a week heroin habit while he was a writer on NBC’s, “Alf.” This looks to be the final draft they turned into the studio, but for whatever reason, it never got made.
Writers: Ben Stiller & Jerry Stahl (based on the book by Budd Schulberg)
Details 3rd Draft (April 1st, 1998)

I don’t know what I expected when I opened this script. Actually, I do. I figured it was going to be some piece of trash that Stiller and Stahl belted out between projects. Not because I didn’t have faith in the two. From what little I know of their writing, both these guys are competent. But I figured, if it was forgotten, there was a probably a reason for that. The script wasn’t any good.

And that’s exactly how the script started. It was a mess! I know Stahl had a very public substance abuse problem and my guess is that most of that abuse took place during these first ten pages. We start in the 30s, flash-forward to the 90s, go back to the 30s, then flash back WITHIN the 30s. Oh, and not too long after, we find ourselves in 1965! What the hell??

However, once the story finds its bearings, it turns into this tragic strangely moving tale of a really lonely man. In fact, one might even compare it to Citizen Kane, which it seems the two writers (and author) were strongly influenced by. I’m not going to say anything crazy, like it’s as good as Citizen Kane. But it’s hard to read this and not be reminded of that film. So what’s it about?

Sammy Glick.

It’s New York, the 1930s. Radio was still cool. This is where we find producer/writer Sammy Glick. Sammy writes radio plays. Actually, he has his secretary ghost-write them for him. Sammy doesn’t need to write. Not when he has the gift of gab. And boy does he have that gift.

As we see early, this nobody 20-something radio writer cold-calls the biggest agent in LA and tells him he’s gotta a hot script for him. The writer of that script, a naïve young man named Julian Blumberg, is excited that someone – anyone – likes his screenplay, so he’s more than thrilled to have Sammy pitching it for him.

But Sammy’s plans aren’t exactly on the up-and-up, as his co-worker Al Manheim notices. Al is the opposite of Sammy. He’s a slow-talker. He stumbles over his words. He’s uncomfortable in social situations. If you would’ve put Al on the phone with that agent, he would’ve hyperventilated his way into a coma.

But Al, unlike Sammy, is actually a talented writer. Which is why it’s so ironic that Sammy’s the one jumping up the ranks. In fact, it isn’t long before Sammy moves out to California and starts producing movies. Nothing big. Not yet at least. But he’s starting to be a player. All because he can sell ice cubes in Alaska. He’s the stereotype slimy no-talent producer who makes everyone else do the work, then takes the credit in the end.

And that’s exactly what he does to poor Julian Blumberg. He steals his script and slaps his own name on it. The film is a hit and pretty soon Sammy is practically running a studio. In the meantime, poor Al, the guy who does things “right,” gets spit out of Hollywood faster than an A-cup porn actress, and resorts to drinking himself to sleep every night back in New York.

But all isn’t so bad for Al. Through Sammy, he meets the beautiful Kit, another talented writer, and she becomes his muse, inspiring him to write again. You may be able to figure out the rest for yourself, but in the end, it’s Al who finds his way to happiness and Sammy who realizes that while he has all of Hollywood in the palm of his hand, he hasn’t got a single friend to share it with.

Let’s jump right into it. Structurally, “Sammy” is messy. After the confusing time-jumping opening I mentioned above, we settle into some sort of rhythm, but this isn’t your typical screenplay with character goals and shit. It’s a tragedy. Which means we’re going to see our hero rise up. And then we’re going to see him fall. See that’s what you have to remember. In “happy” movies, the main character always overcomes his flaw. He changes. But in a tragedy, the flaw is never overcome, and ultimately does our character in.

Sammy’s flaw is that he only thinks of himself. He cheats and lies in order to get what he wants, regardless of who it hurts. Since he never learns to change this part of himself, he of course ends up sad and alone. Tragic indeed!

Hold up though. Let’s get back to those opening pages. How can they be such a mess and the writers get away with it? Not only are we needlessly jumping all over the place, Stiller and Stahl don’t do a very good job explaining who the characters are or what they do (I didn’t know if Al was a critic, an author, or a radio writer. At certain points he was all three). Well, they get to do this because they’re working with the producers. They’re hashing things out between drafts, explaining to them what they’re going to do next. Because of this, the producers have some context when they read the pages. You’re not talking to any producers as an unknown spec writer. So they don’t have that context. Which means you gotta be a lot clearer. Unfair? Yes. But that’s the way it is.

Another thing you gotta be clear about is your female lead. What almost never fails in signifying a good script is when a male writer cares about his female lead – actually takes the time to make her three-dimensional. Because nine times out of ten, a male writer won’t bother figuring out their female lead other than that she’s hot and maybe had a bad childhood. Here, Kit is a fully-formed character with her own goals (she’s trying to start a writer’s guild in Hollywood) and her own agenda.

But it didn’t stop there. The writers actually weaved this development into the storyline in an interesting way. As Al and Kit started to fall in love, Hollywood turns on Kit since she’s trying to form something that’s going to make all the rich guys less rich. Al finds that his opportunity for success may ride on whether he leaves Kit or not. And I found that a really compelling plot development! It just goes to show that when you take the time to make ALL of your characters interesting, you open up a lot more story options.

I started this one trying to keep my eyes open and ended it rubbing the tears out of those eyes. “Sammy” is a complex tale with an unorthodox structure that somehow comes together in the oddest way. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since.

[ ] Wait for the rewrite
[ ] wasn’t for me
[xx] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Transitions. High or low priority? I remember a writer once said to me that the most important thing about a screenplay are the transitions. You had to cleverly or seamlessly cut from one scene to the next. I didn’t know much about screenwriting at the time, but that seemed…I don’t know…dumb. I bring this up because Stiller and Stahl spend an inordinate amount of effort on the transitions. For example, we’ll cut from the loud obnoxious blowing of one’s nose to the loud obnoxious engines of a DC3. Look, that stuff is fun but it’s like number 300 on the priority list of things that need to work in a screenplay. Focus on a compelling story, great characters, sharp dialogue, high stakes, snappy pacing, etc., before you worry about how to dissolve from one scene to the next.

So I was cruising around the net last night and, lo and behold, I found myself a trailer for the next Star Trek movie, Star Trek Into Darkness.  JJ continues to kick ass as this trailer basically has me clearing my schedule for the weekend of May 17th.  But that’s not the important news here. The important news is, oh look, I just happen to break down JJ’s FIRST Star Trek film in my book!  A perfect way to end Scriptshadow Secrets Book Release Week!  To whet your appetite for the movie (and the book) check out the new trailer below.

For those hoping I’d just keep posting every single movie breakdown in the book, sadly this is where it ends.  I’ve given you a peek behind the curtain, but you’ll have to pony up the price of the book for all 50 movie breakdowns (plus that amazing chapter at the beginning that tells you how to write a screenplay).  I think the great thing about this book is that it’s often that ONE TIP, that ONE REALIZATION, that can change your entire approach to screenwriting, that can finally unlock all of your potential.  I remember that happening when I learned about dramatic irony.  With Scriptshadow Secrets, there are 500 chances of that happening.  It’s like a Powerball lottery where the odds are actually IN your favor.  So to me, buying this book is a no-brainer.  I admit I’m a little bit biased but I really believe that!  To summarize, Monday I gave you an excerpt from the first chapter of the book, breaking down screenplay structure.  Tuesday I tickled your pirate bone (that sounds wrong) with Pirates of the Caribbean.  Wednesday I went dark with tips from the Fargo screenplay.  Yesterday I lightened things up with lessons learned from the greatest romantic comedy of all time.  And today it’s all about the Star Trek.

I’m shooting for a hard copy release of December 20th so you can stuff your stockings with some Scriptshadow (that sounds wrong) but that’s assuming I hit no snags so I can’t guarantee that date.  For that reason, it’s important to remember that you DON’T NEED A KINDLE OR AN IPAD to read the Scriptshadow Secrets e-book!!!  Just download the free “Kindle App” here and read it right from your computer.  500 amazing screenwriting tips, folks.  What are you waiting for!??

Excerpt from Scriptshadow Secrets…

STAR TREK
Written by: Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman (based on the television series by Gene Roddenberry)

Premise: A reboot of the famous franchise that takes us back to when a young Kirk and Spock first met.

About: Look who’s back! The amazing J.J.! Did you know Abrams wrote Regarding Henry, which snagged (at the time) the biggest movie star in the world, Harrison Ford? He pulled this off at the ripe old age of 24. My biggest accomplishment at 24 was learning how to do laundry. Still, when I heard Abrams was going to direct a Star Trek film, I thought, “Ehhhh, you may have gotten a little cocky there, fella.” The last four Star Trek films, in addition to being unwatchable, had grossed nine dollars and 16 cents at the box office. Even Trekkies were pissed! What could JJ possibly do to reinvigorate this dead franchise? I found out soon enough when the trailer of a young James Kirk driving his car off a cliff followed by an encounter with a robot cop lit my eyeballs on fire! I was in! It was a great lesson too, and a staple of Abrams’ success. Find a classic property/idea/genre and figure out a way to update it. All J.J. Abrams did was give Star Trek attitude, something it never had before. And VOILA, the franchise was reborn. Genius, this man is!

TIP 476 – No matter how huge your movie is, anchor it around a central relationship – Star Trek is a great big rock-em, sock-em summer blockbuster with space battles and planets exploding and time travel. All of that, however, is secondary to the relationship between Kirk and Spock. You have to focus on the relationships, guys! Trust me when I say they’re one of the most important parts of your screenplay!

TIP 477 – When you introduce a bad guy in an action movie, make sure to show us he’s bad right away – When we meet Nero, the first thing he does is plunge a spear into the Captain. That’s how you introduce a bad guy! (Don’t forget Darth Vader choking a man to death at the beginning of Star Wars as well).

TIP 478 – In action movies, take care of exposition while characters are on the move – Action films are kinetic and action-packed, so that’s where you have to deliver your exposition. When Kirk and Sulu are about to air jump down to the giant alien drill, Captain Pike is giving them the plan as they march through the ship. This is preferable to giving it while sitting down in an air-conditioned office. In fact, if there’s any scene in an action movie where your characters are sitting down and talking, there’s probably something wrong with your script.

TIP 479 – Popcorn movies live or die by their set pieces – You have to push the envelope with high concept set pieces because these are the scenes that’ll sell your movie. If they look exactly like every other action scene out there, nobody’s showing up to your film. Do something different with these big scenes! Air jumping down to a wobbly 40-mile long alien drill platform and then fighting the bad guys with swords…it’s safe to say I’ve never seen that before. Try to have three set pieces in your action flick that nobody’s seen.

TIP 480 – In an action movie, make sure your hero saves others at his own peril – This is your hero. Heroes need to be heroic, and they need to be heroic without thinking of themselves. This is why we love them! When Sulu falls off the edge of the alien drill, Kirk goes diving after him, risking his own life in the process.

TIP 481 – The bar for your script is higher than the bar for the latest Hollywood blockbuster – Star Trek escaped this fate, but a lot of big budget films have terrible screenplays. Look no further than the Transformers franchise. However, if you think the Transformers screenplays are the bar for your own scripts, think again. Those scripts are bad for a number of reasons, most of which revolve around too many cooks in the kitchen. The bar for your script is 50 times higher. It may not be fair, you may not understand why, but trust me on this: don’t use those films as the bar to beat. Write the greatest screenplay you’re capable of writing and let the rest take care of itself.

TIP 482 – Your villain can’t be bad just to be bad – A villain without a motivation is like a car without a steering wheel: Directionless. Trek’s villain, Nero, didn’t wake up one day and decide to hate the Federation. He hates them because they sat and watched his people die, doing nothing to help them. That’s why he’s waging war with the Federation.

TIP 483 – SHOW DON’T TELL ALERT – When Kirk meets Old Spock, instead of Spock giving us a long boring monologue about how he ended up here, he touches James’ head, allowing him to SEE what happened to him. Much more cinematic than gathering around the fireplace and hearing Spock tell a tale.

TIP 484 – Stop introducing new characters! Ahhhhhhh!!! – If you want to make a reader angry, introduce a LOT of characters. Readers hate lots of characters because it’s impossible to keep track of them all. If you’re writing for a pre-existing franchise, like Star Trek, where the character pool has already been established, then it’s okay. But in a spec script? I’m begging you: keep your character count as low as humanly possible.

TIP 485 – Bring characters back – Here’s a tip on how to eliminate characters. Instead of introducing yet another person, why not bring back someone from before? The dude who captures Kirk when he miraculously beams onto the Enterprise during warp speed is the same guy he fought in the opening bar scene. It means so much more to the reader because they know that guy.

TIP 486 – When characters fight, they should fight in UNIQUE STYLES that REFLECT WHO THEY ARE – Kirk fights like a street brawler. Spock’s moves are tactical and structured. This philosophy should extend to every aspect of your characters. Show them talking, walking, loving, arguing, all in their own unique way.

TIP 487 – The more intense the internal conflict, the more memorable the character – One of the reasons Spock has captured people’s imaginations for so long is that his internal struggle is so compelling: he’s constantly fighting between logic and emotion. Internal strife adds tons of weight to your characters (Michael Corleone goes through it. Luke goes through it in Empire and Jedi) so if it fits your hero and your story, make sure to include it!

For more Scriptshadow Secrets, click here…

I want to thank everyone for their thoughts on 300 Years yesterday.  One of the great things I’ve learned through Scriptshadow is how important it is to listen to feedback, and you guys all had a lot of great feedback.  I’m sure Peter’s going to be addressing a lot of these problems in the next draft.  And maybe I’ll actually officially review the script in the new year. 

In the meantime, Book Release Week continues!  Yesterday I gave you advice from the masterpiece that is the Fargo screenplay. Tuesday I gave you some gangbusters tips from Pirates of the Caribbean. And let’s not forget Monday, where I dropped a snippet from the first chapter of the book dealing with structure. Those first few chapters may be the secret sauce of the book, as they go into unlimited “pre-tips” dealing with dialogue, character, stakes, obstacles, theme, subtext, as well as everyone’s biggest fear – the dreaded second act. So if you haven’t picked up the book already, you better be broke, homeless or both. I’ll let these excuses slide for awhile, but not for long! :)

People also keep asking when the book is going to be available in hard copy (soft cover). This should happen within the next 2-5 weeks. I’m going to try and get it up by the end of the year but that’ll be pushing it. The truth is, you shouldn’t wait that long. Even if you don’t have a kindle, you can download the free “Kindle App” here and read it right from your computer – no Kindle or Ipad required!  So, read some kick-ass tips from the greatest romantic comedy of all time today, then go buy the book where you get 49 other movies and 490 other tips to take your screenwriting to the next level.

Excerpt from Scriptshadow Secrets…

WHEN HARRY MET SALLY
Written by: Nora Ephron

Premise: A story that follows the unique friendship of Harry and Sally, two New Yorkers blind to the fact that they’re meant for each other.

About: When Harry Met Sally may be the greatest romantic comedy ever written, but it’s also the Pulp Fiction of its genre. While the average fan thinks this is a standard rom-com, it’s actually anything but. Dramatic structure is thrown out the window. Story takes a back seat to non-stop dialogue. The characters, in particular Harry, spend half the movie dishing out observational monologues. You could argue that When Harry Met Sally is basically one long Seinfeld episode. Yet, while most movies would buckle under a paper-thin story, When Harry Met Sally thrives. The main reason for this is that the dialogue is amazing. It’s a reminder that no matter how many rules you break, if you can do one thing perfectly, it can cover up a lot of problems.

TIP 379 – The Romantic Comedy Equation – All Romantic Comedies scripts should pass one simple test: “We love the guy. We love the girl. We want them to be together.” As long as you have that going for you, it’s hard to mess up a rom-com.

TIP 380 – A ticking time bomb isn’t necessary, just recommended – When Harry Met Sally is proof that not every story needs a ticking time bomb. I prefer them because they create urgency, and urgency ups the stakes, which ups the conflict, which ups the drama. And drama is the backbone of entertainment! So then why does When Harry Met Sally work without one? Well, in my opinion, it’s because the dialogue and main characters are the best EVER in their genre. If that wasn’t the case, I promise you the lack of urgency would’ve been a much bigger issue. So ditch urgency if you want, but only if you plan on the rest of your screenplay being perfect.

TIP 381 – The bait and switch – This scene almost always works. Convince the audience that they know where the scene is going, then pull the rug out from under them at the last second. There’s a scene early on where Sally, whose new boyfriend drops her off at the airport, spots Harry, whom she hasn’t seen since their drive to New York. The two spot each other and we’re thinking, “Oh man, they recognize each other! What’s going to happen now??” Harry finally comes over. Sally looks agonizingly nervous. BUT, instead of addressing Sally, Harry turns to and addresses the boyfriend. It turns out they know each other. The old bait and switch is a surefire way to charm a reader.

TIP 382 – LIKABILITY ALERT – Harry is kind of a jerk. He sleeps with a bunch of women, he’s arrogant, and he’s inappropriate. So it’s important we give him a strong likability moment. At the Giants game, Harry is devastated after learning that his wife has been sleeping with another man and never loved him. Getting dumped is ALWAYS going to create sympathy from the audience because everybody can relate to how awful it feels to be left by someone they care about (kick the owner!).

TIP 383 – Quirks help distinguish a character – In rom-coms, you need little quirky traits that annunciate a character’s personality. One of the reasons Sally is the most memorable romantic comedy character ever is because of how she orders food, addressing every single mundane detail. If she doesn’t have that quirk, she loses a big part of her character. Do your romantic comedy characters have any quirks?

TIP 384 – POWER TIP – Look for dialogue scenes that conflict with your characters’ surroundings – This is one of the best ways to make a dialogue scene pop. Harry tells his best friend the depressing story of his wife leaving him…at a Giants game! This occurs amongst 60,000 happy, cheering fans. The contrast between the setting and the story is what makes the scene so great. We see this contrast again later, but flipped around, when Sally has an orgasm inside a restaurant. Then we see it a third time when Harry meets his ex-wife while singing karaoke at The Sharper Image store.

TIP 385 – Going against character for a laugh – You can pull this off once per script, but that’s it. The reason the famous Sally orgasm scene is so memorable is because we’d never expect it from the uptight Sally. This scene wouldn’t be nearly as funny if, say, Clementine from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind did it, because we’d expect it from her. So go against character for a big laugh, but only do it once. If you do it more than that, people start getting confused.

TIP 386 – If you have your characters running to the airport in the climax of your romantic comedy, do me a favor and join them, then never come back to screenwriting again – A lot of romantic comedies get stuck with this ending because it’s an easy place to end the story, with someone leaving. To avoid this problem, set up an important location for your characters earlier in the script. This will allow you to end your movie in the location of your choosing. It’s established several times in When Harry Met Sally that these two get together at New Year’s Eve parties. Therefore, at the end of the film, it’s fitting that he runs to her at a New Year’s Eve party.

TIP 387 – Avoid saying “I love you” in romantic comedies if at all possible – The words “I love you” in movies are the equivalent of saying “Ca ca poo poo.” They have no meaning whatsoever because they’ve been said a billion times before. Instead, look for clever ways your characters can say the words without really saying them. In When Harry Met Sally, Sally says, “I hate you,” in the final scene, even though we know she means the opposite.

TIP 388 – Eavesdroppable – A good way to measure the quality of your dialogue is to pretend you’re a third party standing near your characters while they talk. Is what they’re saying interesting enough that you’d want to keep eavesdropping? If the answer is no, the dialogue probably isn’t very good. Make your dialogue eavesdroppable.

TIP 389 – Dialogue kicks ass when you come in late and leave early – One of the reasons the dialogue is so good in this movie is that in every single scene, we come into the scene late and leave the scene early. When you do this, you avoid giving us the unimportant parts of the conversation. A great example is the Giants game I mentioned above. We come in right when Harry’s friend asks Harry about the divorce. We don’t start back in the parking lot or while they were getting drinks. We start RIGHT WHEN the most interesting part of their conversation begins. And guess what? The scene ENDS as soon as that topic of conversation is over. We don’t listen to them continue chatting about the greatest football teams of all time. Once they’re done talking about Harry’s divorce, the scene is done.

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