It is that time of year. A time of joy. A time of hope. A time of roasting second-rate loglines. Oh, I kid. We all know, at this point, that managers who have never written a logline in their lives are responsible for the majority of the loglines we see on the Black List. My job is, simply, to cut through the muck and assess the concepts here on my annual “Assess the Black List” post.
The first thing I noticed was that they must have changed the voting system. 49 votes, if not the most votes ever for a top script, is close. It’s been a while since the top script has gotten more than 30 votes. So maybe Franklin is sending out more ballots. A see a few familiar names here – names that have been seen on the Scriptshadow site. Let’s take a look as we break down, one by one, every logline on the 2023 Black List.
Bad Boy
49 votes
Travis Braun
A rescue dog suspects his loving new owner is a serial killer.
SS Breakdown: It’s appropriate that this script finished number one because it dates back to a long line of high-ranking Black List scripts that celebrate animals in a major way. Bubbles. The Voices. The Beaver. It’ll be interesting if the writer tells the story completely from the dog’s point of view. As long as it’s nothing like that movie, Strays. Logline needs more context to fully critique but, at the very least, sounds interesting.
[ ] must read
[x] curious
[ ] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Stakehorse
47 votes
Justin Piasecki
A racetrack veterinarian who runs an off-the-books ER for criminals finds his practice and life in jeopardy when he’s recruited for his patient’s heist.
SS Breakdown: This was the biggest spec sale of the year, if I remember correctly, pulling in a solid 1 million buckaroos. I’ve already read and reviewed the script, which I thought was solid. I just remember it had a really fun train set piece that I hadn’t seen before. Definitely worthy of being a top 10 Black List script but the field is going to be weak if this is really number 2.
Spoiler
Jordan Rosenbloom
42 votes
After passing on a hot new screenplay, a studio executive finds himself trapped as the protagonist inside the film and must regain control before the credits roll.
SS Breakdown: We usually get one or two of these industry meta scripts a year. Most writers stop pushing themselves after they put the period after their logline. What gives me a little hope with this one is that the writer has added some irony. It isn’t the writer who’s trapped in his own script. It’s the studio exec who passed. There’s some irony there, as well as some potential to screw around the protagonist. How well *does* he know screenwriting? How closely did he pay attention to the script? If he had, he’d know how to survive. But because he didn’t, he repeatedly pays the price. Could be fun.
[ ] must read
[x] curious
[ ] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Head Games
Colin Liddle
25 votes
A corporate spy poses as a personal chef to the disgraced founder of a neuroprosthetics firm in order to steal his seismic-shifting new invention from his secluded villa in Greece.
SS Breakdown: An unnaturally large drop in vote differential between the number 3 and 4 scripts on the list. I’m not a fan of any logline that forces you to use a dictionary to understand it. I have no idea what neuroprosthetics is. Neither does my spell-check. So that’s not a great sign. But because I care about you guys, I looked it up. It basically is a way to improve motor-skills. There are a bit too many competing components to this logline. Not saying it means the script is bad. I’m just unclear on what this movie actually is.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[x] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Didier
24 votes
Jackson Kellard
The inspiring true story of international soccer icon Didier Drogba and his efforts to end a bloody civil war in his home country of Ivory Coast; not just with the skill of his feet, but also the power of his voice.
SS Breakdown: There may not be a worse Scriptshadow way to start a logline than, “The inspiring true story of…” It means we’re about to read a biopic logline, aka, the most uninspired loglines in the business. This one just sounds way too serious. It is the definition of a script I have no interest in reading. With that said, I get more caught up in these scripts than I think I will. So who knows? Maybe it’s good.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[ ] decent
[x] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
High Concept
21 votes
Alex Kavutskiy & Ryan Perez
In the early 2000s, two totally opposite best friends, Mike (an uptight lawyer) and BJ (a stoner slacker), awake one morning to find that they have swapped bodies, are stuck in a time loop, and are afflicted with many other high-concept comedy premises of that era. Drawing upon their knowledge of those type of movies, Mike & BJ must learn their lesson(s) and get their lives back to normal.
SS Breakdown: This is in the running for most clever logline on the list. High concepts can be silly so why not make fun of them? With that said, I get antsy with any comedy script that features a stoner. Stoners are typically the first choice the writer comes up with. They’re so one-dimensional and the characters are so one-note, that they can be terrible choices for the script. But I love a swapped bodies time loop script. I think that’s a hilarious premise. And it’s always good to have two writers on these big comedy scripts because you need checks and balances for the jokes.
[x] must read
[ ] curious
[ ] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Patsy
21 votes
Filipe Coutinho
The untold and unfiltered true story of legendary country singer Patsy Cline, from her humble beginnings in Virginia to her untimely death at the height of her fame.
SS Breakdown: There are many unfiltered things I want to say about this entry but I challenged myself to say something nice. So here’s what I’ll say. SMART WRITER. I don’t care who Patsy Cline is. You don’t care who Patsy Cline is. Nobody cares who Patsy Cline is. EXCEPT one entity. The Black List. The Black List cares about every musical artist biopic that is written. The writer knew that and they took advantage of it to get on the list. Good for them.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[ ] decent
[ ] if I have to
[x] won’t read
Forbidden Fruits
20 votes
Meredith Alloway & Lily Houghton
Free People employee Apple secretly runs a witchy femme cult in the basement of the mall store after hours with fellow fruits Cherry and Fig. But when new hire Pumpkin challenges their ‘girl boss’ ways, the women are forced to face their own poisons or succumb to a bloody fate. Based on Lily Houghton’s stage play: Of The Woman Came The Beginning Of Sin And Through Her We All Die.
SS Breakdown: Did I just have a stroke? I would like to pretend like I understand this entry but, after reading it five times, I’m more confused than I was the first time I read it. It’s either about fruits that are women or women who are fruits. That much I understand. On the plus side, it’s original. And it’s not a biopic. So those are two major thumbs up from me.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[ ] decent
[x] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Return to Sender
20 votes
Russell Goldman
When a woman experiences delivery scams that grow increasingly personal and strange, she becomes hellbent on discovering her anonymous sender.
SS Breakdown: This logline feels incomplete. I’m not sure what a “delivery scam” entails. She gets sent the wrong package? Or is this an e-mail thing? Feels like the writer needed to get in there and re-write this logline before it went out to thousands of people.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[ ] decent
[x] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
First You Hear Them
19 votes
Sean Harrigan
A group of twenty-somethings try the ‘perfect drug’ for the first time. It’s only when they come down from the euphoric high that the hauntings begin: First you hear them. Then you see them. Then they come for you.
SS Breakdown: Okay, we’ve got a fun little horror premise here. It’s a bit simplistic but most horror films are. Talk to Me entailed clutching a hand and seeing dead people. Very simplistic and it did well. It’s nice when an idea truly comes up with something new but that’s elusive.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[x] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Foragers
19 votes
Sam Boyer
When the illegitimate daughter of a Portland billionaire goes missing, her loved ones turn to Juno and Andi, local homesteaders and members of The Foragers–a grassroots network of experts dedicated to finding the lost and bringing them home.
SS Breakdown: I like the online network sleuths who use the power of social media to solve cold cases. But this doesn’t sound like that. This sounds like a totally made-up thing. I’m not sure what “grassroots network of experts” means exactly. That’s something to keep in mind when you’re writing loglines. It doesn’t matter if it makes sense to you. It only matters if it makes sense to others. On the plus side, this feels a *little bit* different than your typical “missing person” script. So that’s good.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[x] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Carousel
18 votes
Rachel Lambert
A family doctor in East Cleveland juggles his personal life, as he reconnects with an old flame, deals with his teenage daughter’s problems, and selling his family’s medical practice.
SS Breakdown: When you hear the annoying assessment that your logline is, “execution dependent,” this is exactly what they’re talking about. Nobody reads this logline and thinks, “Man, I have to read this RIGHT AWAY.” It doesn’t have a single hook within it. But, if it’s an authentic compelling character study, it could be great. This is just a really tough logline to send out there as an aspiring screenwriter. I’m guessing CAA blasted this out there with the assurance that the script was good. If you don’t have CAA in your back pocket, you need to write a flashier concept.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[ ] decent
[x] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Hot Mess
18 votes
Shanrah Wakefield
Sandy was once a formidable investigative reporter until a bungled story destroyed her credibility and forced her into the soul-sucking world of tabloid gossip–now her days are spent covering hot mess celebrity Margot Ford. When a disillusioned Sandy is called to Fiji to follow Margot’s latest hijinks, she discovers a surprise about Margot’s real identity, which sends her on an adventure she never imagined, as the two must team up to take down a massive, sinister corporate plot with global implications, all taking place at a luxury island resort.
SS Breakdown: Poor choice of title here. “Hot Mess” is a dated term. You’d prefer to use more recent terms and phrases for your title. The script sounds okay. The Black List seems to like these stories where the protagonist is pursuing a celebrity in some way. It’s hard to tell if this is a comedy or a black comedy, which is why I wish The Black List included genres.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[x] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Hit Me, Baby
17 votes
Kurt McLeod
After Liv, a world-class hitwoman, breaks up with her boyfriend, Martin, he puts out a massive contract on his own life to get her attention. What Martin doesn’t realize is that it’s an open contract with a 48-hour expiration, so now every assassin in the western hemisphere is coming after him. Liv makes a deal to keep him safe until the contract expires, if he pays her out the full bounty. With the clock ticking, the two must eludes some of the world’s most prolific killers
SS Breakdown: Oh boy. This has way too many rules. Is way too confusing. The motivations are hard to understand unless you concentrate really hard. I’m not sure it makes sense. Putting a contact on your life to get someone to notice you. What??? I don’t get it.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[ ] decent
[x] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Polo
17 votes
Nika Burnett
When a young woman returns home from the Navy, she joins a local water polo team and finds herself fighting a new battle.
SS Breakdown: What stuck out to me here was that the writer is repped by Rain, who seems to have a ton of scripts on the Black List. I don’t know much about them. Are they new? I have to say, this sounds like it may be up my alley. There’s something random about joining a local water polo team. Who joins water polo teams? But it also seems like the perfect subject matter to create a black comedy out of. I’m curious about this one.
[ ] must read
[x] curious
[ ] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
The Nest
17 votes
Aaron Benjamin
Confined to “the nest,” a Secret Service Sniper gets a strange call on the radio from a deranged mastermind who’s holding his family hostage in a box suite during America’s biggest game– The Super Bowl.
SS Breakdown: It’s definitely a high concept idea. I would’ve liked if the writer (or manager) clarified what “The Nest” is. I don’t know what it is and many other people won’t know either. You have to remember that as a screenwriter writing a logline – we don’t know unless you tell us. Things that are obvious to you may not be obvious to us. Personally, this feels like one of those “almost there” ideas. It’s missing that strange attractor.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[ ] decent
[x] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
We Got Next
Aaron Goldberg, Alex Goldberg, & Michael Goldberg
The true story of how one daring executive beat the odds to launch the longest-running league in women’s sports: the WNBA.
SS Breakdown: If you’re into subject matter like this, you know who you should do a biopic on? The guy who invented The Tennis Channel, Steve Bellamy, who used to be my boss. In order to raise money, Bellamy used Google, which was less than a year old at the time, to google the richest people in the world. And then he just cold-called every single one of them until he raised all the money he needed. He didn’t know any of them. Crazy! I’m probably not going to watch any movie about the WNBA but I do think the writers were smart in recognizing that this is the ultimate Black List catnip.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[ ] decent
[ ] if I have to
[x] won’t read
10/24/02
Connor McKnight
On one rainy night in October, a man checks into the Mooncrest Motel. He never leaves. A real time, single-location thriller in the aftermath of a heist at Area 51.
SS Breakdown: Speaking of catnip, you are not going to put “Area 51” in your logline and not get me at least a little bit interested. I’m not sure you need to put the specific motel name in the logline. I’m not sure what that achieves. But I do like a heist that happens at Area 51. That allows for some high concept tomfoolery.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[x] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
The Profit
16 votes
Andrew Ferguson
The astonishing true story of how an unknown, evangelical Christian immigrant, Bill Hwang, suffered the greatest loss of wealth in American history, gambling away his $35 billion fortune and jeopardizing the entire financial system in under forty eight hours.
SS Breakdown: We’ve got our first seasoned Scriptshadow reader in the mix, with Andrew. Awesome to see him make the coveted list. High stakes money-centric true stories are hot right now and this sounds like a good one. I’m curious about what “gambled away” means, though. Does that mean literally gambling? Like in Vegas? Or just gambled on some bad investments? Cause losing 35 billion on craps would be the ultimate movie ever.
[ ] must read
[x] curious
[ ] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Better Half
15 votes
Gaelyn Golde
A codependent woman unravels when her best friend gets a boyfriend.
SS Breakdown: Extremely simple premise. Probably too simple. But the writer accurately portrays where the central conflict is going to come from so that we can imagine in the movie. “Codpenednet” is your central conflict. To understand why, imagine the logline without that word. It doesn’t read as powerfully. I’m worried this one might not have legs. But it’s one of the scripts so far that’s on my radar.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[x] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Fistmas
14 votes
Jack Waz
In order to propose to the girl of his dreams, a lovestruck guy must first survive her hometown’s annual Christmas fighting tournament.
SS Breakdown: I need my logline to give me something I understand. I’ve never heard of a “Christmas fighting tournament” before. So how am I going to invest in something that I didn’t even know existed until two minutes ago? With loglines like this, a little hand-holding is helpful. Just tell us what the tournament is. What it entails. Yeah, it will make the logline longer but clarity is more important than brevity.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[ ] decent
[x] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Love and War and Guernica
14 votes
Sam Zvibelman
Against the backdrop of a present-day, war-torn, America, Love and War and Guernica is a dark comedy about Neil Mudd, a reporter for the Union who is suffering from writer’s block ever since his break-up, and his engaging with a mysterious horse following him through war torn Los Feliz, California. When the Union recruits Neil for a top secret mission, he and the horse go on an epic journey that, emotionally, serves as a metaphor for the war going on inside Neil’s heart.
SS Breakdown: Yikes. Okay, there’s a lot here. I like the concept of a modern day Civil War. There are obviously some The Man Who Killed Don Quixote inspirations at play. It just doesn’t sound, from this synopsis, like there’s much focus in the story. It sounds interesting but when I read this, I can’t quite imagine the movie and you need the reader to be able to see the movie in their head when they read your logline.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[ ] decent
[x] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
The Getaway
14 votes
Mario Kyprianou & Becky Leigh
A couple on the brink of divorce sets off on a romantic getaway to save their marriage, but when they find that they have inexplicably traveled back in time, they decide to team up to stop their younger selves from ever getting married.
SS Breakdown: I’m a sucker for almost any idea that involves time travel. This one sounds like that George Clooney Julia Roberts movie that came out recently, except for more clever, as instead of parents trying to stop their kids from marrying, the actual couple is trying to stop themselves from marrying. That has potential.
[ ] must read
[x] curious
[ ] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Runner
13 votes
Tommy White & Miles Hubley
High end courier, Hank Malone, has three hours to transport a liver from LAX to a Santa Barbara hospital for immediate transplant surgery. The recipient? A dying seven-year-old girl with the rarest blood type on the planet. If only the head of the Southland’s most dangerous crime syndicate didn’t need the organ too.
SS Breakdown: Okay! I hear you Tommy and Miles. This one’s got goals, stakes, and urgency up the wazoo. Old school spec energy. Plus you’ve got a great antagonist. The conflict and obstacles are going to be off the charts. This is one of the few concepts on the list so far that sounds like a real movie – something that’s going to get made.
[ ] must read
[x] curious
[ ] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
The Masque of the Red Death
13 votes
Charlie Polinger
A grotesquely hilarious dark comedy based on Edgar Allen Poe’s short story “The Masque of the Red Death.”
SS Breakdown: I will leave this to a certain Scriptshadow commenter to assess. I don’t know anything about this short story. But you’re probably in good hands basing a story on one of the most popular literary figures in history. I just wish they’d tell us what the story was about instead of giving us the title.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[ ] decent
[x] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Toxoplasmosis
13 votes
Andrew Nunnelly
The classic story of boy meets girl, boy loses girl… boy forms unexpected bromance with girl’s cat, who may actually be an intergalactic emissary sent to save humanity from itself.
SS Breakdown: I think cats are hilarious. I like this idea a lot actually. My only worry is that it’s a reminder of The Marvels. For those who don’t know, one of the characters on The Marvels is a cat, a cat that sounds similar to this cat. In spite of that, this one could be a sleeper.
[ ] must read
[x] curious
[ ] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
U.P.S.E.T.
13 votes
Ben Bolea
Two border cops in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula find themselves in the crosshairs of Canadian biker gangs, international drug cartels, and shady government agents after intercepting a drug deal gone bad–all the day after an awkward one-night stand.
SS Breakdown: I recognize Ben’s name as someone who read the blog from the beginning! So props to another unofficial Scriptshadow graduate. This one really would’ve benefited up front from a “Comedy” tag because the first part of the logline could be a serious movie. It sounds like it could be a fun movie. But Ben, come and get a logline consult. I’ll make this thing 100 times better. :)
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[x] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Untitled Missing Child
13 votes
Brenna Galvin
A mom-fluencer’s life unravels when her child goes missing and an unexpected discovery mires the investigation in a battle of perception. With buried secrets exposed, our mom is forced to take matters into her own hands, turning a simple missing person’s case into a story with twists that even the internet wouldn’t believe.
SS Breakdown: I like a great timeless concept. But, in order to stand out, it’s good to write a concept that couldn’t have been written ten years ago. That gives your idea that “fresh” angle that everyone is looking for. An ‘mom-fluencers’ are just so weird that I can’t imagine this won’t at least be interesting.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[x] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Dickens vs. Andersen
12 votes
Henry Oscar Thaler
Clumsy, awkward Hans Christian Andersen invites himself over to the country home of his idol, Charles Dickens… and overstays his welcome.
SS Breakdown: This almost feels like one of those Black List parody concepts. “You want to get on the Black List? Just write about Charles Dickens warring with another writer.” Also, Andersen isn’t nearly as well-known as Dickens so the logline is going to fall on deaf ears for some. This is going to need a lights-out execution to make up for that. It just doesn’t feel like a serious script to me.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[ ] decent
[x] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Our House
12 votes
Will Youmans
When she wins an essay competition, Leila Moseley is brought to Capitol Hill to be honored by the United States Congress, but her luck runs out when the ceremony intersects with a violent insurrection, and she must team up with a group of aides, interns, and nepo babies to battle for survival against a legion of protesters and a secret society.
SS Breakdown: I read this title a little too quickly and initially thought it was called “Out House.” Please, I am begging the Scriptshadow faithful, for someone to write “Out House.” At the very least, write a logline. Personally, I read scripts and watch movies to escape all the negativity in the world. Even if something is dark, I’ll enjoy it if it’s entertaining. I don’t want to be reminded about politics. We’re inundated with that stuff so much. I don’t need more of it in my reading. With that said, the Black List looooooooves politics. Especially if it’s progressive. So we’ve got another smart writer here exploiting the system. And, to Will’s credit, it seems like it’s taking a comedic direction.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[ ] decent
[ ] if I have to
[x] won’t read
Our Man In Miami
12 votes
Ozzy Inguanzo
A Miami construction contractor transforms into a notorious sports agent when he hatches a high- stakes scheme to steal Fidel Castro’s most prized assets–Cuban baseball players–for the New York Yankees. Based on the wild true story.
SS Breakdown: If you’re going to do sports true stories, look for the more offbeat ones. Not the obvious ones. This feels offbeat. It feels different and compelling. Also, chalk another one up for the rising stock of the sports biopic.
[ ] must read
[x] curious
[ ] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
The Great Pretender
12 votes
Kirill Baru & Eric Zimmerman
When Tom Hanks, the nicest guy in Hollywood (and someone who looks a lot like him), gets kidnapped, his doppelgänger must step in to save him. In a world of make-believe, it’s hard to know who to trust.
(Edit) Writer e-mailed. Here’s his real logline: When Tom Hanks, the nicest guy in Hollywood (and arguably the World), finds his life stolen by a Tom Hanks impersonator, the only way to get it back is to do the one thing he’s never been able to: stop being nice.
SS Breakdown: Has anyone listened to the Dead Eyes podcast? It’s one of the craziest podcasts you’ll ever listen to. This actor had his dream destroyed when Tom Hanks vetoed him for a roll in Band of Brothers because he looked like he had “dead eyes.” This is something Hanks told to someone who told to someone else and it got back to the actor. So the actor made this entire podcast about Tom Hanks, his hero, destroying him. And, in the third season, he gets to interview Tom Hanks. This is a long-winded way of me saying, there’s potential in this idea but I’m not seeing enough of that in the logline. For example, what if the doppelgänger was actually the cruelest person on the planet? And he had to take the place of the nicest person on the planet. There’s a lot of comedy potential there.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[x] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
The Peasant
12 votes
Will Dunn
In the 14th Century, a lone shepherd rages against a company of mercenary knights after they ransack his peaceful peasant community, proving that he is more than he seems.
SS Breakdown: I can tell when a logline was not written by the writer. And this is that. Cause the last part of the logline completely falls off a cliff. It’s too general. We need specificity in loglines. Tell us what he does. Not an approximation of what he does. Cause this could be good but it’s hard to tell with this botched logline.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[ ] decent
[x] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
The Pentester
12 votes
Jesse Quiñones
When a pentester with a perfect track record for breaching his clients’ security systems takes an unusually high-paying job, his success proves to be in vain as he finds himself in the middle of a deadly conspiracy where the only way out is forward.
SS Breakdown: A script about a pen tester? That’s an ink-redible idea. Ohhhhh! A “pentester.” Pentester. Gotcha. Wait, what the heck is a pentester? Okay, just looked it up: “A penetration test, colloquially known as a pentest or ethical hacking.” This one doesn’t get my toes wiggling. Any tech idea that could’ve been written 20 years ago is probably not the best script to write. Unless you’re doing something fresh and new that’s not evident in the logline.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[ ] decent
[x] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Backcountry
11 votes
Kevin Sheridan
Once the future of extreme skiing, Brooks Provence is approached to ski the mountain that nearly ended his life two decades ago–this time alongside a young skier on the brink of stardom. But when disaster falls, Brooks must overcome his past and accomplish the impossible in order to save the lives of those he loves most.
SS Breakdown: I just reviewed one of Kevin’s scripts not too long ago. It was very good. I like the subject matter of “extreme skiing.” Sounds more exotic than “skiing.” These things matter in a logline. You must look for ways – any ways at all – to differentiate your idea from the competition. Since I liked Colors of Authority I’ll definitely check this one out.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[x] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Blood Rush
11 votes
Andrew Ferguson
In response to a mysterious rise in Miami gang violence, a meticulous FBI agent gets recruited by a covert operations unit, only to discover the enemy they are fighting may not be human.
SS Breakdown: Ferguson with his second script on the list. He’s got my attention with this one. I would like some clarity, however, on what “not human” means. It could be monsters. It could be aliens. Whichever one it is will increase or decrease my excitement for this script.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[x] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Last Resort
11 votes
Laura Stoltz
When a grieving woman takes a trip to a posh, Icelandic resort designed to assist its guests with ending their lives, she meets people who finally force her to accept the things she cannot explain.
SS Breakdown: Suicide scripts are a slippery slope. They’re hard characters to get audiences on board with cause they’re so depressing and their goal is such a sad one. But I like the Icelandic resort development. That tells me there could be some exotic creative choices somewhere down the line.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[x] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Sea Dogs
11 votes
Josh Woolf
After two down-on-their-luck lobster fishermen botch a hijacking attempt on the high seas, they are forced to confront the consequences of their actions as they struggle to navigate a world they no longer recognize.
SS Breakdown: Another strong beginning to the logline. I like the specificity of “lobster fisherman.” When I say “I like the specificity” of that, what I mean is, I don’t read a lot of scripts about lobster fishermen. It’s a new world with new rules I get to learn and experience. Readers enjoy that. They don’t enjoy the same thing over and over again. They want new. But the second half of the logline doesn’t even make sense. Did Chat GPT write this? By the way, where are all the AI concepts? You’d think writers would be all over that. ZERO representation on this one, by the way. Which raises my interest a notch (it’s much harder to get votes as an unrepped writer since no one is pushing your script around town. Therefore, it is more likely that the script is good, since it is being passed around organically).
[ ] must read
[x] curious
[ ] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
The Crowd
11 votes
Jack Heller
In a claustrophobic race against time, a woman must unravel the mystery behind a malevolent crowd before she succumbs to their relentless pursuit.
SS Breakdown: This is another one of the few longlines on this list that feels like it could actually be a movie. Crowds are scary in certain situations. Yet I never would’ve thought to write a horror movie about them. Good on this writer for identifying this as an idea. One of the better concepts on the list.
[ ] must read
[x] curious
[ ] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
The Final Score
11 votes
Will Hettinger
Two FBI agents are pitted against a crew of bank robbers–and each other–as they grapple with order and chaos inside their own department and home lives.
SS Breakdown: Wow, this is waaaaaay too vague to assess. I’m assuming there’s a movie here. It’s one of the only scripts with an actual production company behind it (Jerry Bruckheimer). Kaplan and Perrone are good at assessing talent I know. But this is a generic soup of a logline.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[x] decent (need more info)
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
The Light At The End
11 votes
Arun Croll
When a solar event fills the sky with endless light that kills everything it touches, a young woman must find a way to escape the house where she is trapped with a doomsday cultist.
SS Breakdown: Heeeeey! It’s Arun Croll! Arun was one of my five finalists in The Last Great Screenplay Contest with his script about the Japanese act of rope bondage where everyone is tied up and someone comes to rob the place. Fun script. Good writer. Timely topic with this latest one, as well. There’s some weird hole opening up in the sun. Very happy for Arun.
[ ] must read
[x] curious
[ ] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
The Wolf in Chiefs Clothing
11 votes
Adam Christopher Best
A lovable loser from a family of criminals becomes the Kansas City Chiefs’ most famous superfan. His newfound status is expensive, so he teams up with his imaginary friend–an anthropomorphic version of the team’s wolf mascot–and goes on a bank-robbing spree.
SS Breakdown: Believe it or not, this is actually a true story. I heard about this a little while a go. This dude who’s OBSESSED with the Chiefs and became their most photographed fan because he was always wearing these crazy outfits to the game, was secretly a bank robber. This could be funny if they do it right.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[x] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
What’s My Age Again
11 votes
Jackson Kellard
The true story of Kansas teenager Jack Bergeson’s meteoric rise and fall after he discovered a loophole in the state’s constitution that allowed him to run for governor, inciting a statewide youth movement that changed politics forever.
SS Breakdown: I don’t get it. I thought anyone could run for governor. There are age limits? If we’re going to write a movie about some shocking act, the act has to actually be shocking, right? But it just goes to show that “true story” really does give your pitch more weight. If you look at the value of a script on a 1-10 scale, “based on a true story” kicks it up an extra notch or two. Not for me. But for Hollywood.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[ ] decent
[x] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Chaperones
10 votes
Sarah Rothschild
A single dad tries to bond with his teenage daughter by chaperoning her field trip, only to have to save the world (and possibly her virginity) when an ancient evil is unleashed.
SS Breakdown: I laughed when I read this only because I have no idea what it means. Ancient evils are running around high schools trying to steal girl’s virginities? I need a face here. I need to be able to imagine who the antagonist is. A vague allusion to “evil” actively makes your logline worse. SPECIFICS PEOPLE! SPECIFICS!
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[ ] decent
[x] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Personal Best
10 votes
Ryan Hoang Williams
Based on the true story of James Hogue, a talented student and long-distance runner who was admitted to Princeton University under the false identity of “Alexi Indris-Santana”–an orphaned, self-educated, teenage ranch hand.
SS Breakdown: Hey man. Everyone knows the Ivy League school selection process is rigged so you know what? Good for James Hogue. And good for true life sports stories which are giving musical artist biopics a run for their money on the Black List.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[x] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
The Last Tower
10 votes
Aaron Sala
When a disaster strikes, a family is trapped in their high-rise Miami hotel. With danger closing in fast, they’re left with only one way to go: Up.
SS Breakdown: What’s the disaster? That’s so pivotal in making this a good idea or an average idea. Either way, I’ve always liked ideas contained in high rises, especially where you’re forced to go up. Because up is a contradiction. You save yourself now but the further up you go, the further from safety you are. This is another “movie” idea. Lots of these scripts on the Black List are screenplays only. They’re not cinematic enough. This is.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[x] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Undying
10 votes
Ben Ketai
A woman, suffocated by motherhood, has an affair with a man she hasn’t seen since high school– only to discover he has been dead for years.
SS Breakdown: What strikes me about this one is that it’s an old-as-time idea. Yet no one has figured it out yet. Here’s the logline for the 2004 Topher Grace movie, “P.S.” – An unfulfilled divorced woman gets the chance to relive her past when she meets a young man who appears to be her high school sweetheart who died many years before. — Same exact idea right? But that movie realizes that, after you get past the hook where is there to go? It’s a muddled narrative no matter how you look at it. But Netflix and hot production company, 21 Laps, are making this. I suppose because it is a buzzy concept that will get people to click. Especially if you put Jenna Ortega in it!
Beyond the Grave
9 votes
Maximiliano Hernández
Three people at different points of the immigrant experience come together when the mother of a 10-year-old musical prodigy is arrested in an ICE raid.
SS Breakdown: Giving me some “Babel” vibes. Can definitely see why this made the Black List. A serious concept about immigration is pretty much guaranteed to get you near the landing strip. This feels like one of those multi-storyline ensemble scripts that are heavily execution-dependent.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[ ] decent
[x] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Blasphemous
9 votes
Luke Piotrowski
An inexperienced priest and a charismatic possessed woman form a dark and dangerous bond while on the run from sinister forces within the Catholic Church.
SS Breakdown: How bout we turn this into a romantic comedy and call it, “Separation of Church and Date.” Thank you. I’ll be here all night. This sounds like one of those okay movies. It’s difficult coming up with a movie idea because movies like this one DO GET MADE. Cause it does have a bit of a hook. But they’re not catchy enough to get readers excited to read them. I wish this had one more element to put it over the top.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[x] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Boy Fall From The Sky
9 votes
Hunter Toro
An anxious playwright finds himself tangled in a web of deceit, injury, and intellectual property as he adapts his first Broadway musical, Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. Inspired by a true story.
SS Breakdown: Best writer name of the lot so far. Who’s going to forget the name “Hunter Toro?” I know I never will. Also, a writer’s best friend: Inspired by a true story. It’s every writer’s secret way to get that ‘based on a true story’ cred while completely making something up. I’ll read any writer-centric story so I’m in.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[x] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Die Fast
9 votes
Julian Meiojas
Following a severe, soon to be fatal, brain injury during a violent attack, an NYPD sergeant embarks on a harrowing journey of vengeance, which leaves her only a few hours of adrenaline-bursting consciousness to hunt down those who took her daughter and killed her husband before she dies.
SS Breakdown: If Scott had his own Black List, I’m pretty sure this script would take up the first ten slots. It’s a fairly common idea but the goals, stakes, and urgency are so high that why wouldn’t you read it? You’ll probably finish in half an hour.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[x] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Down Came The Rain
9 votes
Katie Found
When a woman gives birth to a spider, she begins to question her unraveling reality and the psychological and arachnid horrors of postpartum motherhood.
SS Breakdown: It’s getting late and I’m getting loopy. So another concept change suggestion. Change the title to “Blame it on the Rain,” and base it on two spiders with the heads of Milli Vanilli. I would definitely watch that. In all seriousness, I feel like I’ve read this script in several different iterations. It’s not my jam, my jelly, my vegemite, or my Nutella.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[ ] decent
[x] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
If I Had Your Face
9 votes
Ran Ran Wang
When Jo’s best friend, Rina starts dating a white man, she begins transforming into something different: a white woman. Through it all, Jo can’t seem to convince anyone that there is cause for concern. But when three unidentifiable white women turn up dead, Jo realizes that they had all been Asian women who dated the same man, and now that he has Rina in his sights, it’s up to Jo to save her before she becomes his next victim.
SS Breakdown: I’ve read this logline three times now and I’m pretty sure I lost 17 IQ points doing so. Considering I was barely above 100 to begin with, that means I’m officially in double-digits. My dream of becoming a member of Mensa is dying by the minute. This one doesn’t just need a logline rewrite, it needs a logline intervention.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[ ] decent
[ ] if I have to
[x] won’t read
Immune
9 votes
Daniel Persitz
The story of Dr. Maurice Hilleman, the brilliant father of modern vaccines, who by deftly negotiating corporate politics, prevented a deadly pandemic and created the groundbreaking vaccines for measles, mumps, rubella, chicken pox and many others that still save eight million lives a year worldwide.
SS Breakdown: I suppose that if you want to get attention, being political and highlighting controversial subject matter is a good strategy. It’s just not the type of script I’m interested in. I need an entertaining component to the story. Let’s not forget this is called the entertainment industry. Not the Let’s Remind You Of What Everyone Is Complaining About On Twitter Industry.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[ ] decent
[ ] if I have to
[x] won’t read
Kazan
9 votes
Chris Parizo
The story of the tumultuous relationship between Arthur Miller and Elia Kazan–born out of the success of DEATH OF A SALESMAN and destroyed when Elia Kazan named names to the House Committee on Un-American Activities, resulting in two of the greatest works of the 20th century: THE CRUCIBLE and ON THE WATERFRONT.
SS Breakdown: Am I being punked right now? This had to have been generated by the Black List AI, which Franklin Leonard has, without question, created in secret. I have no idea if this script is any good. It may be amazing. But this is the paradox of the Black List. The scripts that are guaranteed to get you on the list are the exact same scripts that everyone in the industry makes fun of. If Chris hadn’t written this script, Black List AI would have.
Palette
9 votes
Zack Strauss
A woman who discovers she is suffering from severe synesthesia gets recruited into the secretive, cult-like industry of color design by a mysterious corporation but then uncovers the bloody, dark, and twisted reality of what it really takes to make the world’s next great hues.
SS Breakdown: This one sounds wild and original. All writers take note! This is how you come up with a unique concept. One of the best on the list easily.
[x] must read
[ ] curious
[ ] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
The Nowhere Game
9 votes
Alex Pototsky
Two young women are kidnapped, brought deep into the woods, given a head start, and then hunted down by their sadistic captor all for the pleasure of the online fans of “The Nowhere Game.”
SS Breakdown: Human hunting is always entertaining fare in the book and movie world. The question is, have you come up with an original version of the idea? This isn’t giving me that, at least from the logline they provided. I get submitted a lot of concepts like this one. But you have to give the writer credit for coming up with an actual movie idea. Something someone would buy and turn into a movie and make money off of.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[x] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Ferocious
8 votes
Mark Bloom
A team of financially desperate hotel employees embark on a deadly treasure hunt to recover priceless diamonds from a wrecked yacht in the middle of “The Red Triangle,” the world’s most dangerous hunting ground for great white sharks.
SS Breakdown: Marc Bloom DEFINITELY reads Scriptshadow. He knows that when you bring sharks into the sand box, everyone in school shows up to play! There are a few too many things going on in this logline but it still sounds exciting. And another movie idea! Two in a row!
[ ] must read
[x] curious
[ ] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Lure
8 votes
Nick Tassoni
When a park ranger ventures into the wilderness to find a missing hiker before a storm, she finds herself lured into the woods by a dangerous, unearthly predator mimicking her dead daughter.
SS Breakdown: Lost in the woods. I just did a consult on a lost in the woods script. There’s something universal about getting lost that gives ideas such as this one a big potential audience. But they always come back to the monster. Is the monster cool? Is the monster interesting? We don’t know yet. But it is a solid setup for a movie.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[x] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Roses
8 votes
Evan Twohy
A married man takes his girlfriend on a romantic getaway to a villa. There is a swimming pool.
SS Breakdown: This reminds me of one of my favorite screenplays, “Lamp.” I remember the logline like it was yesterday. “A man buys a lamp and goes home then watches TV.” The midpoint twist of the power going out was, to this day, one of the most enjoyable twists I’ve ever experienced.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[ ] decent
[x] if I have to (need more info)
[ ] won’t read
Sundown
8 votes
Nick Hurwitch
Monsters that roam in daylight keep a small, rural family confined to a nocturnal lifestyle. But when their son starts to question the monsters’ existence, his parents must see how far they’re willing to go to keep him safe.
SS Breakdown: I know there are monsters in this one. I’m not sure if the monsters are the main characters or the antagonists. I’m going to reserve judgment in the meantime. But even with this vague logline, just by including monsters, the writer makes their script more marketable than 75% of the loglines on this list.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[ ] decent
[x] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
The Adults in the Room
8 votes
Jake Disch
On November 1, 2022, FTX was valued at $32 billion. On November 11, 2022, it filed for bankruptcy. This is the incredible true story of the meteoric rise and catastrophic fall of FTX and its enigmatic founder, Sam Bankman-Fried.
SS Breakdown: We all knew this one was coming. Again, these true-story high stakes financial concepts are all the rage right now. Google “richest people ever” or “biggest companies to fall” and you can have your high stakes financial script prepped and ready to send out in six months.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[x] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
The Stratford Wife
8 votes
Sarah E. Sinclair
Anne Hathaway, a rebellious woman who has a way with words, weds William Shakespeare, an aspiring actor ten years her junior. They form a plan to sell her plays anonymously. But when William travels to London, Anne is stunned to learn he takes all the credit for himself, leaving her to forever live in the shadow of the greatest playwright to ever live.
SS Breakdown: My brain just officially broke. This sounds like one of those weird fan fiction stories on the Dark Web’s version of Reddit. The kind where half the pages cover the lustful exploits of Anne and William. To the writer’s credit, I could not have come up with this idea if you gave me a million chances.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[ ] decent
[ ] if I have to
[x] won’t read
Woodwork
8 votes
Abiel Bruhn
While settling his mother’s estate, awkward loner James reunites with his long-lost brother Rob who oozes wealth, charm, and confidence–but the chance encounter leads to a twisted game of wits and violence.
SS Breakdown: I like the title. I’m too loopy to be able to explain why. I like the contrast between the brothers. Good old fashioned sibling rivalry is always ripe for some drama. Can’t really tell if this is a good idea until I know what the twisted game is. That’s the whole movie right there. If that’s cool, you’ve got a script. If not, you don’t.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[ ] decent
[x] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
8 Habits of Highly Murderous People
7 votes
Michael Boyle
Psychologist Dr. Martin Park specializes in working with clients trying to curtail extreme violent urges. However, when a series of brutally murdered bodies are discovered in his small New England hometown, it’s up to Martin to figure out which of his patients is responsible.
SS Breakdown: Provocative title. Serial killers always sell tickets. So, marketable. I’m wondering if this commenter is Brian Michael Boyle’s long lost brother. Which would make this really meta, considering that it came right after Woodwork. Are Michael and Brian Michael about to get into a twisted game of wits and violence?
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[ ] decent
[x] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
American Dreams
7 votes
Tricia Lee & Corey Brown
In the not-so-distant future, an Asian-American woman works at a company where you can hire people to write your dreams. When one of her clients mysteriously dies, she realizes that those who have the power to write your dreams, also have the power to write your nightmares.
SS Breakdown: High concept idea here. In my experience, however, these are tricky scripts to write unless you come up with a clear direction. The reason that one of the best movie setups ever – Flatliners – didn’t work was because it didn’t have a clear direction after the hook. This feels sort of like that but it may just be the way the logline is written.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[x] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Blow up the Chat
7 votes
Amos Vernon & Nunzio Randazzo
When their embarrassing, sometimes filthy, possibly cancellable group chat falls into the wrong hands, a group of dudes must go on a madcap scavenger hunt around town to appease a mysterious blackmailer.
SS Breakdown: Okay, this actually sounds kinda good. Because it’s saying something about society and doing it in an entertaining way. There’s this belief in the world that anything you’ve said at any point in your private life is cancellable. But when we’re in safe spaces talking to people privately, we’re more honest, we’re less afraid to offend. And so the idea that that chat could get out into the world and screw up the rest of your life – those are high stakes for such a small idea. Good title too.
[ ] must read
[x] curious
[ ] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Boxman
7 votes
Adam Yorke
After a botched bank heist leaves nineteen people locked inside a state-of-the-art vault, the FBI recruits the world’s foremost box-man from federal prison so he can break them out before they suffocate inside.
SS Breakdown: Wow, 19 people is a lot! I would’ve gone with between 5-8. It’s hard to keep track of that many people. Unless people start getting shot and killed. Either way, we’ve got a contained location. Cool idea. Marketable. I think we’ve got another elusive Black List movie on our hands.
[ ] must read
[x] curious
[ ] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Displacement
7 votes
Chiara Atik
What’s worse than a cruise? Being a twenty-seven-year-old single woman chaperoning your ninety something grandparents on one, right after a crippling break-up.
SS Breakdown: Cruises have the potential to be great setups for movies, especially if there’s a dark component to your idea. Because you have automatic irony. Cruises are supposed to be heaven. Yet for the character, they’re hell. So I like that about the idea. It’s not clear if there are only old people on this cruise though. Because that changes the idea. Gotta give us the full information if you want us to be able to envision the movie.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[x] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Harness
7 votes
Leigh Janiak
In the violent world of underground horse racing, a wannabe female jockey and her trainer brother- in-law become entangled in an illicit relationship full of blood, sweat, and sex that pushes the limits of their bodies and the law.
SS Breakdown: I’m not sure what’s going on here but I like it. Underground horse racing is something I’ve never heard of. But it sounds intriguing. Blood sweat and sex tells me this is going to be dark. I like that. I don’t love gender-swapping for the sake of gender-swapping. But a female jockey feels fresh in this context. I’m in.
[ ] must read
[x] curious
[ ] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Mole People
7 votes
Nathan Elston
When an unhoused teen turns up brutally murdered, his estranged brother searches for answers in the underworld of New York City and uncovers a series of horrifying crimes hiding deep in the abandoned subway systems.
SS Breakdown: You lost me with the PC Olympics treatment of the word “homeless.” I’ll tell you why. It denotes a writer who is careful not to offend. And you cannot write anything of substance without offending someone. It’s impossible. So if that’s the place you’re writing from – a place of fear – I know I’m going to read a script full of super safe choices. I don’t think I’ve ever seen something good that played it super safe the whole way through.
Old Time Hockey
7 votes
Kevin Jakubowski
A forty-three-year-old snowplow driver decides to get his high school hockey team back together to play a state championship game.
SS Breakdown: I’m inclined to love this solely because my Chicago brethren Polish brother has written it. I also love these “get the band back together” comedy concepts. There’s potential baked into that setup.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[x] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
People Walk Dogs Late At Night In The Suburbs
7 votes
Drake Wootton
A charming high school math teacher-about to be a father-comes up with a plan to course correct his life after having an affair with his student.
SS Breakdown: This one takes you through a rollercoaster, doesn’t it? The title seems innocent enough. So does the first half of the logline. Then it’s like, “Holy crap! This just got serious!” The teacher-student relationship has been one of the more reliable conflicts in fictional storytelling so there’s no reason to stop writing about it now. In fact, now’s probably the best time to write about it since people aren’t expecting it as much. Poor Things worked, in part, because it crossed a lot of lines you didn’t expect due to the fact that so many people over these last few years are playing it safe in fear of offending.
[ ] must read
[x] curious
[ ] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Please Come Back
7 votes
Mike George
A young couple who perform rituals to raise people from the dead get more than they bargained for when they attempt to re-animate a young girl who doesn’t remember how she died.
SS Breakdown: Speaking of Poor Things! Another reanimation concept. This is another idea that doesn’t give us enough info. I would need to know how she died to be able to tell if this was a good idea or not.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[ ] decent
[x] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Propel
7 votes
Jeremy Marwick
A commercial diver fights to survive after a boating accident leaves her for dead underwater.
SS Breakdown: Being stuck underwater is the setup for a life-harrowing situation with goals, stakes, and urgency. But is there enough here for a movie? At least with Whalefall, we were in a moving whale! Here, it feels like we’re just stuck in the underside of some boat or something.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[x] decent
[ ] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Unnie
7 votes
Lynn Yu
In the cutthroat world of K-POP, a group’s debut is threatened when someone begins to violently attack its members.
SS Breakdown: There may not be a topic in the world I know less about than K-Pop. With that said, A LOT OF PEOPLE LOVE K-POP. So there’s an audience out there if you like this subject matter. And I do love stories that highlight the irony of these worlds. They look fun and happy on the outside. But inside, they’re ugly and dangerous. If this script focuses on that, it could work.
[ ] must read
[ ] curious
[ ] decent
[x] if I have to
[ ] won’t read
Frankenstein meets Forest Gump meets Flowers for Algernon meets The Island of Doctor Moreau meets Wes Anderson meets 50 Shades of Gray
Genre: Drama/Fantastical
Premise: A crazy old doctor performs an unthinkable experiment on a young woman and charts her progress as she opens up to a new world of sexuality that she embraces with aplomb.
About: To tackle playing different mental ages throughout the movie, Emma Stone came up with five “templates” for how she would act at the ages required for each stage of the film. This allowed her to know which ‘version’ of Emma to perform in a production that was shot out of order. The screenplay was written over four and a half years time.
Writer: Tony McNamara and Alasdair Gray
Details: 2 hours and 20 minutes
Some of you were probably hoping I would review the new Netflix flick, “Leave the World Behind,” so I’ll leave a mini-review in the comments. You can also check out my review of the book here.
Okay, onto my big weekend movie…
You guys know me well enough to know I’m not the biggest indie movie fan. I think a lot of indie movies are smoke and mirrors. They’re weak scripts bolstered by artistic direction from talented directors. But when you undress them, the stories are a hodgepodge of half-realized ideas drowning in melodrama, philosophy, quirkiness, or some unappealing combination of the three.
With that said, I understand that a film is not just a screenplay. The acting, the cinematography, the sound, the music, the set design, the locations, the direction — all of these things can make you feel something separate from the writing. So, every once in a while, when I watch an indie film, it works. Which is exactly what happened with Poor Things.
It helps that this is unlike any movie I’ve ever seen before. Let me give you an idea of how weird this movie is: I almost walked out in the first ten minutes. The cinematography, music, and acting were so jarring that I felt like I was going to vomit. I’m not kidding. I got super queasy.
I’m glad I gutted it out, though.
Our story is set in an indeterminant time – my guess is somewhere in the 1800s – and follows a mad genius named Godwin who finds the body of a rich pregnant woman who killed herself by diving off a bridge into the river. This, Godwin decides, is “Bella.”
For reasons only Godwin understands, he takes the brain out of the still living fetus and inserts it into Bella’s skull. So Bella is now her child. And you thought the ending of Chinatown was a trip!
Godwin hires a young assistant named Max to chart Bella’s every move. Because Bella is beautiful, Max falls in love with her, and Godwin tells Max they should marry, which both Max and Bella are thrilled about.
But then Bella discovers self-pleasure which completely changes her view of reality. A lawyer and cad, named Duncan, who comes in to notarize the marriage, finds himself drawn to Bella and asks her to come away with him on an adventure where they will have copious amounts of sex. That’s all Bella needs to hear. She’s in.
Off they go to Lisbon where Duncan fulfills his promise. But then one afternoon, when Duncan is asleep, a restless Bella heads out into the city where she engages in some sexual exercises with random men. Being a child, she sees nothing wrong with this and excitedly shares her experiences with Duncan, who is beyond mortified.
After a series of fights, the two end up in Paris without any money and, without consulting Duncan, Bella rectifies the situation by heading to a local brothel and offering her services. She loves the experience so much that she decides to become a full-time prostitute. Eventually, she learns that Godwin is dying and heads home, where Max is thrilled to see her again. Once there, she is confronted by her former husband (before she killed herself). Bella will have to make a choice of whether to stay with Max or return to her original husband.
Man, where do you start with this film?
There’s so much going on!
I guess let’s talk about the most relevant element for screenwriters, which is that if you want to nab a great actor, write a movie with a kid in an adult body. It’s the clearest path to an Oscar. We saw it with Sam Rockwell playing a 14 year old in Three Billboards. We saw it with Olivia Colman playing a child in The Favourite. And now Emma Stone is going to win the Oscar for playing a 5 year old.
Cause she will win the Oscar for this. The race is over. Not only is she playing this very unique part but the things that Emma Stone does in this performance are borderline unsettling. I don’t like to use the word “brave” in acting because, well, “playing pretend” doesn’t have that high of a ceiling. But it’s appropriate. She is brave for the insane things that she does.
And then there’s the icky part of this movie. I’m just going to say it. Bella is a 3 year old prostitute. It’s insane when you really think about what’s going on and how someone got this idea and everyone signed up for it. The more you think about it, the more icky it gets.
But let’s look beyond that. In a movie like this that has such a unique character, it is almost impossible for any other actor in the movie to stand out. But Mark Ruffalo somehow manages to. Probably because he plays something he’s never played before: a sexual deviant a-hole. And he does so hilariously.
The real power in his performance is his unraveling. He starts off as this super-confident charming ladies’ man who’s bedded hundreds of women. But through each excursion with Bella, he loses more and more of that confidence because she drives him crazy. She’ll go out for a croissant and come back having slept with a stranger, lol. Duncan cannot handle it. He freaks out, throwing a number of temper-tantrums, each of which is worthy of its own Oscar.
Then you have the sets. I’ve never seen sets like this. There’s a fairy-tale aspect to them and, yet, they somehow feel real. The Lisbon set, in particular, where they were up on this cliff in this little town. It was romantic and beautiful – kind of like how a famous city might look in a dream. Yorgos captured that. The boat set was a favorite as well.
The big thing I worry about with these movies is that they’re more concerned with being weird than good. That’s definitely how things played out early. But by the midpoint, it became quite an emotional film that was trying to say something about growing up and lost innocence and embracing who you are. And there were some heavy emotional moments late between Bella and Godwin, her quasi-father who did the unthinkable to her. It wasn’t just dumb shock value.
Will I recommend this to friends? Not unless you’ve spent at least one day of your life watching a Jean-Luc Goddard marathon. You need some cinephile street cred to be able to make it through this movie, I feel confident in saying. Its strangeness is more overwhelming than any casual moviegoer will be able to handle.
But, at the end of the day, the movie DOES work. And it’s worth seeing just for Emma Stone’s performance. I promise you, you’ll leave saying to yourself, “Wow,” after you watch what she does.
[ ] What the hell did I just watch?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[xx] worth the price of admission
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Poor Things, as wacky a movie as it is, uses one of the oldest screenplay templates in the business: The Hero’s Journey. Go ahead and watch this movie next to Star Wars. You’ll see that it follows an extremely similar narrative. It goes to show that The Hero’s Journey can be used for the highest-grossing films in the business as well as the artsiest of artsy fare.
Genre: Thriller
Winning Logline: An emotionally fragile executive failing to live up to his potential in life hires a mysterious personal development coach whose unorthodox, life-threatening tactics push him to the brink of death.
About: This logline took on a competitive bunch this weekend and, in a hard fought battle, came out on top, pulling in 30% of the votes with 22. The second-place logline, A Chinese Vampire Story, snatched up 21 votes. That’s the tightest race we’ve had in a while! Mr. Gregory is a teacher teaching all the way out in Cambodia! So make sure all my Cambodian readers chime in. Phnom Penh for life!
Writer: Howard Gregory
Details: 124 pages
Javier Bardem to play the Mentor?
First of all, I just want to say how happy I am for today’s writer, Howard. I consulted on this script for him a while back and I kept telling him, “This is a really good idea.” But when he queried people, he wasn’t getting any requests and began doubting the marketability of the concept. That didn’t sit right with me. I knew this was a good movie idea. So I’m glad everybody who voted it into the number 1 slot this past Showdown confirmed that.
I’m actually curious if Howard’s e-mail query is the problem. Maybe he can share it in the comments. As someone who reads a lot of queries, I know that a poor query can result in someone immediately dismissing the submission. Cause querying is writing. So if you can’t get that right, it’s an “honest signal” to the manager/agent/producer that you won’t get the script right either. If anyone’s interested, I do e-mail query consults. They’re 50 bucks. Just e-mail me at carsonreeves1@gmail.com if you’re interested.
From what I remember, I wanted The Mentor to achieve a certain level of darkness. The execution was too light and surface-level for my taste. I also wanted more authenticity and depth to the characters’ jobs and storylines. I wanted it to feel REAL, which, in my opinion, Howard hadn’t achieved yet. This is a whole new draft, though. So I’m expecting it to be bigger and better! I’ll post the first page of the script then get into the plot summary…
30 year old Joel works as an assistant at a PR firm and is, for all intents and purposes, invisible. Until one day his boss, Harvey, is freaking out because their biggest client just called someone the n-word. Joel walks in the board room with coffees and accidentally spills them on a furious Harvey.
Joel races out of the room to his one friend in the office (who’s more like a frenemy), Alex, and Alex takes care of it, convincing Harvey to give Joel another shot. Meanwhile, Joel heads to his artist girlfriend’s show, where he sees the art curator touching her inappropriately and her allowing it. He confronts her and they get in a fight.
Afterwards, as Joel walks the streets, trying to calm down, a mysterious man, who witnessed the scene at the show, gives him the card of a man who can help him. Joel hems and haws for a couple of days but eventually meets the man, Nathan. Immediately, we can see that Nathan is a different cat. He’s strong-willed, cocky, assured, confident. And he tells Joel that if he wants to change his life, he can help him. He’s got five lessons. Are you in, or are you out? Joel is in.
Lesson 1 is “Be comfortable in your own skin” and involves Joel wearing an embarrassing rabbit mask in public. Lesson 2 is “Say it like you mean it” and requires yelling out what Joel feels on the top of a derelict silo. Lesson three is “The Chair” and requires Joel to sit in a chair and withstand a barrage of people who try to take it from him. Lesson 4 is “The Blindfold,” and requires Joel to walk across a road blindfolded, trusting Nathan to guide him. Lesson 5 is “Behave in ways that get you what you want” and places Joel in a scenario where he must decide whether to hurt someone he knows badly.
As this is happening, Joel takes the lead on the PR debacle and contacts the elusive client on his own. With his newfound confidence, Joel masterfully convinces their client and the man he called the n-word to meet and reconcile, making him a company star. But the second Nathan feels that Joel is no longer grateful for what he’s done for him, he gets angry. And when the most psychologically manipulative man in the world gets angry… watch out.
Since I gave notes on this script, I want to point out how much it’s improved from Howard’s initial draft. There’s so much more detail to this world, to the characters, to the tests, than were in the original screenplay. To the point where it feels like a completely different movie. And Nathan is a MUCH BETTER character. He was so simplistic and one-dimensional in that first draft. He feels way more fleshed-out here.
We screenwriters can get discouraged easily when we compare our early drafts to others’ final drafts. As long as your script is improving from draft to draft, that’s all that matters. You should only be worried when your drafts stop yielding improved results.
With that said, I’m still having some issues with the script and I’m not sure why. I suspect it’s because of a bunch of little things rather than one big thing. For example, I’ve always been hesitant about this PR job and this racist subplot. The problem when you introduce race is that you can’t help but have some of the script be about race. Which takes away from the central concept. And, in this case, the central concept has nothing to do with race. So I just think those two parts of the script don’t work together. Could we create a more relevant job for Joel?
Also, something isn’t quite clicking with Joel’s character, for me at least. I do not like that we meet our hero accidentally spilling coffee on his boss then running away and hiding like a 3rd grader. I understand we have to show that Joel needs help for him to need Nathan’s services but acting like a child is too far, in my opinion. I would rather meet him in a scenario where he’s challenged in some way. And he fails to meet the challenge.
I also don’t know what Joel’s primary flaw is. I don’t know why he needs the mentor. As currently constructed, he just seems to be in this general “rut.” He’s accidentally spilling coffee on his boss then running away. He doesn’t tell his work friend when he’s being a jerk. And he gets angry that his girlfriend is not doing more to fend off the art curator’s advances. Where is the common denominator?
I would prefer we lean into a more specific flaw. Specificity is your best friend when writing screenplays. It is preferable over generality 9999 times out 10,000. Especially in a script like this, whose entire purpose is built around “fixing” the protagonist. Another recent thriller, Nightcrawler, comes to mind. Louis Bloom’s flaw was his relentless ambition. It was super clear that that was his flaw because the writer kept reminding us over and over again. I think that’s something writers forget. They’re afraid of being “on the nose” about their hero’s flaw. But the hero’s flaw is so important in a script like this, therefore, as long as you’re exploring the flaw through ACTION as opposed to EXPOSITION DIALOGUE, you can hit it a lot more than you think.
As much as this script has improved, I still feel like there’s potential for it to be better. I’m wondering if just changing the PR job to something more organically connected to the concept would be enough. And for whatever reason, that opening coffee spill scene really put me off our protagonist. As you guys know, if your main character’s introduction fails, it could end the reader’s interest in that character for the rest of the script. I get the ick with that scene so maybe changing jobs allows us the opportunity for a new scene where we immediately like this character instead of dislike him.
I’m curious what the Scriptshadow Faithful thinks, especially those of you who voted for this logline. Did it deliver on what you hoped? Let’s try to help Howard take his script to the next level.
Script link: The Mentor
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Watch out for malapropisms, misused words or phrases that can make sentences feel “off.” For example, here we get “big honcho,” instead of “head honcho.” Or we get, “You always feel he’s got a great big microscope and he’s peeking into your brain,” whereas I think the more appropriate word is “peering” into your brain. If you have one of these in your script, it’s not a big deal. But readers start noticing if there’s more than that.
Scriptshadow here to interrupt your regularly scheduled writing time.
I’ve been reading a ton of scripts lately. Usually two a day. What happens when you read that many scripts that close together is you become more in tune with PATTERNS. You start to see the similar mistakes writers are making.
This is great for you guys because it means I can warn you. Which means you can assess if you’re doing the same thing. You can then adjust. And you can make your scripts better as a result.
But before I get into the biggest problem I’ve been seeing lately, I want all of you to take a guess what that is. Stop reading this post and see if you can assess what the problem may be. Because it’s a good sign when screenwriters can be proactive. You should be sussing out potential issues with any screenplay you’re going to write and then coming up with a game plan to circumvent those potential issues.
All right.
Are we ready?
What do you think the problem is?
Here’s what the problem is:
Writers are sticking too closely to the established cornerstones of the genres they’re writing in.
In other words, if you’re writing an action movie, you give us a wise-talking does-things-his-own-way protagonist and every one of your action scenes is one we’ve seen before.
If you’re writing a biopic, you give us that classically misunderstood genius hero (Beautiful Mind, The Imitation Game) and a linear cradle-to-grave storyline with 4-5 flashbacks, usually to a childhood with a difficult parent.
If you’re writing a serial killer script, you give us a detective who’s having some difficult life problems he’s dealing with, a killer who leaves mysterious clues, and a series of investigative visits to leads that provide just enough info to give us to the next lead. Until we get one final big twist we weren’t expecting.
If you’re writing a zombie movie, once the virus has spread, we get a lot of scenes of characters walking around houses or buildings with zombies popping out from behind doorways. We get the same kind of zombies with no alterations whatsoever.
Writers are becoming slaves to the genres they’re writing as opposed to trying to expand, challenge, or reinvent said genre.
For beginner writers, this is inevitable. Beginners often operate by the model: “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.” They just want to prove, whether they’re aware of it or not, that they can write the same kind of script professionals do. So they write something that comes from the wrong place. They’re copying others as opposed to expressing themselves. After writing several screenplays, these writers start having something to say themselves and begin to value of being unique rather than being similar.
But this issue can be a problem even for intermediate and advanced writers. I’ve written scripts myself where I wanted to do something different. Go off the reservation, try crazy things. But these drafts ended up being messy and tonally inconsistent and, you could argue, no longer a representation of the genre I was writing in.
So in my subsequent drafts, I would pull back. I would get rid of the wilder stuff so it felt more like the genre I was writing in. And then, in every draft after that, I would reign in the script even more, until, by the end of the process, I had a really slick screenplay… THAT FELT EXACTLY LIKE EVERY OTHER SCREENPLAY IN THAT GENRE.
I can’t emphasize enough that this is ONE OF THE BIGGEST REASONS A SCRIPT WILL NEVER GET NOTICED. And it’s SO FRUSTRATING for writers because even coming up with a pretty good screenplay with a solid main character and a plot that builds in a nice fashion and concludes satisfactorily – that’s hard. That’s hard to do. So the writer feels accomplished when they do so. Which they should. Cause that script is still better than 80% of the scripts written.
But it’s fool’s gold. Cause now you’re in that purgatory. You’re in the top 5-20%. But you’re not where you need to be – in the top 2-3%. You’ve got a competent script but not a script that leaves an impression. And the reason it doesn’t leave an impression is because you’re sticking too closely to the characters and plot beats of that genre. You’re not taking chances. You’re not trying anything new. You’re not pushing yourself with your scenes and your set pieces to really write MEMORABLE moments that we haven’t gotten from other movies.
Another tricky aspect to this is that there is a certain amount of audience expectation in ever genre. If I go to a romantic comedy, I want to see romance and comedy. I don’t want to see action and murder. So if you try and deviate too far from a genre’s tropes, people don’t like your script either. Cause it’s not giving them what they signed up for.
So you have to find that sweet spot. I know that one way to find that sweet spot is to write in a genre that you don’t know well (or even care for) because it’s impossible to write in a genre you don’t like and not make your script feel different from the scripts that usually come out of that genre.
I’m reminded of the way Taika Waititi approached Thor: Ragnarok. From all accounts, Taika was not a superhero fan. This is what he said on the Smartless podcast: “You know what? I had no interest in doing one of those films,” Waititi said. “It wasn’t on my plan for my career as an auteur. But I was poor, and I’d just had a second child, and I thought, “You know what, this would be a great opportunity to feed these children.’”
He wasn’t even a Thor fan! “And ‘Thor,’ let’s face it — it was probably the least popular franchise,” he continued. “I never read ‘Thor’ comics as a kid. That was the comic I’d pick up and be like, ‘Ugh.’ And then I did some research on it, and I read one ‘Thor’ comic or 18 pages, or however long they are. I was still baffled by this character.”
Yet, many people consider Thor: Ragnarok to be the best Marvel movie. A huge reason for that was Waititi injecting his unique sense of humor into a character who, up until that point, had been kind of dull. It brought the character alive and made all of us see him in a different, more exciting, light.
There’s something about not having this precious responsibility to a genre that allows you to push the boundaries of it.
The other way to circumvent this issue is to be OVERLY CONSCIOUS of the problem going into the script. You may love a genre. LOVE IT! But you must tell yourself that that love is going to get you killed if you’re not careful. You actively commit to not writing the predictable obvious version of that story. Do something different with the main character. Do something different with the point of view. Jump between 8 characters instead of staying with one. Doing something different with time, like what David did yesterday with his real-time script, Clementine.
But, most importantly, don’t give us the same old tried-and-true set pieces, scenes, and moments that we get in that genre. Standout scenes are the ones that have the potential to stay with your reader. If you write a really great one – like the childbirth scene in A Quiet Place – it completely reinvents how the reader sees your script. We’re now imagining a MOVIE as opposed to nodding our head thinking that the writer is pretty good.
“Pretty good” is WORTHLESS. It has zero currency in Hollywood. But pretty good is what you’re going to get if you write the version of that genre that everybody else does. I promise you that’s the case.
So stop settling for the obvious. Stop regurgitating characters and scenes and set pieces from your favorite movies. Cause guess what? All we readers see when you do that? Is “lesser versions of that awesome movie we already saw.”
I don’t mean to be blunt but I’m trying to give you a kick in the butt here. If you can embrace this mantra, I promise you your scripts are going to be so much better than the majority of your competition. Cause most writers don’t want to put in the work that it takes to get to that originality. Okay, back to writing. Good luck!
Clementine script review with some added insight from the writer!
Genre: Thriller
Premise: (from Black List) Set in real time, a Colombian mother barely escapes a pawn shop shootout and goes on the run from her violent ex-husband, a terrifying mob boss, and a bloodthirsty hitwoman sent to collect an overdue debt, all while trying to keep her diabetic daughter safe.
About: It’s finally here! Boy, I sure do know how to draw out the suspense. Longtime Scriptshadow reader and fave commenter David L. Williams, a man who put his nose to the screenwriting grindstone and worked and worked and worked, completing screenplay after screenplay, finally had it all pay off last year when he made the Black List, earning a highly respectable 12 votes.
Writer: David L. Williams
Details: 91 pages
Alexa Demi from Euphoria would kill this role! No pun intended!
Before we get to the review, which was posted in my newsletter (why aren’t you signed up for my newsletter: carsonreeves1@gmail.com), I wanted to share with you a quick discussion I had with the writer…
Carson: What’s happening with this script currently, David? Who’s going to play the lead role?
David: We have the actress (plus director and financiers). She isn’t well-known but she’s rising and FANTASTIC, and was the director’s first choice. They have it budgeted out to shoot in Miami and Colombia for $10M. The strikes obviously delayed m… everything haha. But they’re still aiming to shoot in or by summer.
Carson: Did you query agents with this script or another one? Is Clementine how you got repped?
David: So back in 2021 my best friend, Jason Gruich (Cop Cam), and I were both drunk one night and decided to burn cash on evaluations on the Black List *website*. Two days later, Clementine got a 9 out of 10 overall, plus a subsequent 8/10. I kind of hustled that: sent a few queries, told some industry people that I already knew (including reps/execs), and some reps reached out to me via the BL website, my email, and on Twitter (because it was popular on Twitter). I met Mitchell Bendersky at Gramercy Park. Could have gone somewhere bigger, but he’s the most amazing fit that it’s not even funny. He and I are best friends now.
David on left. Jason Gruich (Cop Cam) on right.
As for agents (Verve), I had a general with a studio exec and he sent that (plus another script he loved that I wrote) to a coordinator there and they flipped. My manager wanted me repped there too, but the exec beat him to it. Lol. Neither of us asked him to. A month later I had a meeting at Verve’s offices and walked out repped.
Carson: So your manager and agent got together and started sending it around to production houses and/or directors? Is that how the package came together?
David: So I was an Austin Film Fest semi-finalist in 2021 for a pilot and met a finance exec from CAA at a roundtable. I was the only person she reached out to after the fest, but she had initially passed on even reading Clementine and read something else instead (she liked that other concept more). But after I got a 9 on the BL website, she read Clementine and wanted to package it asap. I wasn’t repped with her, she just wanted to take it out. She and my manager took it out the first week of Jan 2022 and that Friday we got an offer for an option. So it actually got picked up BEFORE I officially got agents. My agents came in June, and got me a ton of pitch meetings and more generals. They also rep the company that optioned it. That CAA exec is now an exec at Beck/Woods.
Fun fact. We met our director because he read it off the official annual Black List. He’s Colombian and it really connected with him — he had his reps (ironically CAA) send a really emotional letter to the prod/co. He’s attached to a bunch of cool stuff but we sense that this is like his passion project. And we’re extremely lucky he came to us after we’d already met a bunch of directors.
Carson: You wrote a lot of scripts before Clementine. Why do you think Clementine was the script that broke you through? What was your mindset when writing Clementine compared to your mindset when you first started writing scripts?
David: Well, the idea hit me like a truck while I was reading a different script, and I started writing immediately, like within an hour. I think there are different ways to hook someone; outside of concept, it can also be presentation and intent. In this case, this isn’t a high concept, but there aren’t a lot of movies that take place real-time and won’t allow you to breathe, and for me and people I’ve met, that was an X-factor.
By the end of that day I had the first act written. The whole script was done in a week. No outline. Haha. What you read is actually the second draft, and it hasn’t changed since 2021. No one has wanted to change anything.
As for what’s different between this and other scripts of mine, while I’m not even sure if it’s my best script, I think it’s the least deniable, if that makes sense. Sometimes in movies like this I think it’s considered great when the protagonist doesn’t have a choice. We love to see what kind of choices characters make, but sometimes it’s more entertaining when the character is faced with “Do this your daughter dies. Period.” I think it has the most clarity and urgency which really does a lot here. I was constantly surprised as the story came to me and I think that comes through.
For example (spoiler) while writing the script, I had no intention of bringing Clementine back after she dies. I was prepared to make it Sicaria’s story. I think that’s what makes it feel so real. While writing it, I literally didn’t think she’d come back.
Carson: Any advice you’d give aspiring writers for getting representation or getting on the Official Black List?
David: When you reach a level where you’re consistently getting little to no notes, and people are flipping for it, send it everywhere that seems legit, as much as humanly possible. And when people inevitably want to meet you, being fun and pleasant go a loooong way. Those are the things that make people wanna be your friend and/or see you succeed: a great script written by a dope person.
Carson: Couldn’t agree more with that answer. Okay, so what’s next for you?
David: It’s a character-driven sci-fi/drama, vastly different from Clementine, called “Intergalactic.” After Orion’s Belt is destroyed in the night sky, an emotionally unstable teenager attempts to prove to a lonesome astronomer that the event was caused by his ability to move objects in outer space.
Carson: Well I’m rooting for you and I’m sure everyone else here is as well. Okay, on to the original review from the newsletter!
******************************
I’m not going to pretend like I haven’t been nervous to review this script. David’s such a cool positive guy that I got scared! I didn’t want to rain on his achievement with a bad review should I not enjoy Clementine.
But it’s almost the end of the year and I have to write up my Black List re-ranking post soon which meant I couldn’t avoid it any longer. I had to read Clementine and I had to hope, with all hope, that I loved it. Cause I want David to go far in this business.
We meet 25 year old Clementine as she robs a Pawn Shop with her buddy Disco, and another dude. What we’re going to find out soon is that Clementine owes a nasty guy named Martin 100 grand because she stole from him to get her daughter, Sandy, heart-saving surgery. Sandy is a diabetic and suffers from a lot of health issues as a result.
But the pawn shop robbery goes sideways and Disco and Jake are 86’d. Clementine gets away, but not with the money. It doesn’t take long for Martin to call her and tell her what she already knows. That was her last shot. Now she and her kid are dead meat.
Clementine races home to get Sandy before Martin does and barely beats out Martin’s head assassin, a ruthless scar-faced female killer named Sicaria. Clementine hurries Sandy off to an abandoned warehouse but you knew it wasn’t going to be long before Sicaria found her (big spoilers follow).
Clementine fights Sicaria with everything she’s got but Sicaria is strong and kills Clementine. That’s right. She kills her! Now, we stay with Sicaria, who decides to bring Sandy back to Martin. Afterward, she gets a strange call from her personal cleaner. The cleaner says there’s no female dead body at the warehouse.
Guess who’s coming to dinner, Sicaria. The second time around, Clementine wins. But her daughter is still with Martin. This means Clementine is going to have to go into the belly of the most well-guarded beast in all the city to get Sandy back. Luckily, she’s got the AK-47 Sicaria left behind to help her. Will she succeed? With this script, I can honestly tell you, you’ll never guess.
(Big spoilers follow)
So the scenario I was most afraid of was that the script was going to hover inside of that “not for me” “worth the read” middle ground and I would be put in this position of saying it was “worth the read” even though in my heart it was “wasn’t for me” and you guys would all pick up on it and you would say, “Carson, you’re just giving this a worth the read cause you know David and you wouldn’t give that score if it was a random writer.”
Well here’s some great news: WE DON’T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT THAT.
Cause this script was awesome.
I’m not just saying that. It was really freaking awesome. I’m talking, it will definitely finish in the Top 5 of my Black List Re-Ranking post.
The script is just freaking RELENTLESS.
Something I’m always telling writers is to make things as difficult as possible on your protagonist. Well, David decided that that wasn’t enough. He needed to multiply the words “hard as possible” by a billion.
I can’t remember the last time a script made its hero work so hard. Wow.
I mean, at one point, we kill her! How much harder on your hero does it get??
The opening is a bit overwritten. I didn’t like when David juiced up his prose to sort of break the fourth wall at times. But it was a heart-stopping opening sequence nonetheless. I fucking felt like I was IN THAT PAWN SHOP. Wow. And I’m swearing because it was that intense.
You know what this script made me think of? Remember that script, “Mother,” that went on to star J. Lo on Netflix? There were so many things wrong with that script. This script fixes all of that. This should’ve been the script they picked. Cause Clementine is Mother of the Century with what she has to go through.
A lot of times I’ll give an “impressive” and writers will ask me why this script got an impressive as opposed to other scripts. That answer is easy as pie with “Clementine.” Everything in this script moves like lightning and is as intense as an African safari with no jeeps. But two moments stuck out in particular.
The first is when Clementine is “killed.” I thought she was really dead. And kudos to David for not doing the age-old “psyche out” where she jumps back up at the last second and keeps fighting. No, David commits so hard to the death of the main character that we then follow Sicaria for the next 15 minutes! This made Clementine’s reemergence a gangster twist that blew the doors off my reading Tahoe.
So that was the first one.
The second one was the ending. The ending in this movie is freaking insane! Cause David stuck to that rule of “make things as hard on the hero as possible” and he made sure that, because it was the climax, he made it even harder.
I had no idea what was going to happen. I loved how Clementine grabbed Martin’s son. Because, usually, in any other script, this is a cheap move. But here, it makes total sense. You jacked my kid. I’m jacking yours. You made up these rules. Not me. So it worked perfectly.
But even beyond that, it added an extra variable to the ending where you’re not just asking, “Will Clementine and Sandy get away?” You’re wondering what’s going to happen to this other kid. In any other script, I would’ve known he was safe. But in this script, a woman tried to kill another child. And our main character died for a while! This is exactly where you want your reader. You want them having no idea what you’re going to do and that’s exactly where David had me.
So then, Clementine clears Martin’s home fence with her car, somehow, impossibly, getting past all his guards and him, AND THEN A COP STOPS HER!!! It’s like, “David! You’re killing me, man!” I so wanted her to escape but now this cop stops her. Martin’s son is trying to get out of the car. The cop is threatening to shoot anyone who gets out of the car. Martin’s men are coming from behind. They’re going to catch up to Clementine if she doesn’t find a way out of this cop situation. Then ANOTHER COP comes up and blocks her car….
I mean… dude. David. You win. You – freaking -win. That was some great writing there. This is going to be an awesome movie. I’m so proud of David. GOOD JOB!!!! And now you can read it too. I guarantee you’ll agree with me. :)
Script link: Clementine
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[x] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: When it comes to backstory/exposition, avoid your hero dishing out their own backstory. Instead, look to have other characters tell your character their backstory. I know that sounds backward, but I’m telling you, it works a million times better. So here, when Clementine first calls Martin to plead for mercy, she starts to talk about her daughter. But, instead of David having her finish, he has Martin give Clementine her own backstory. Clementine (crying): “My… daughter’s—“ Martin: I know your daughter’s sick to hell. I know about the divorce you can’t handle. Your papers. I have your shit memorized.” We get some quick backstory there about Clementine and we don’t realize it at all because it comes from another character. There were tons of other little screenwriting ninja star throws that hit their mark like this. David hasn’t just been reading Scriptshadow. He’s been taking notes!
