Thanksgiving is coming up next week. And if you’re anything like me, you’ve purchased a stomach expander on Amazon to prepare for the event. I’ll tell you what I’m not prepared for though. Another one of these Hunger Games movies. Which one are we on now? Breaking Flames No. 7 Chapter 19? How is a movie about hunger games still going if it’s no longer about hunger games? It’d be like if you made a Star Wars movie about trade negotiation. If you’re looking for something to watch instead of JLaw, check out Jessica Jones. Not because I recommend it. I haven’t seen it yet. But it’s supposed to be the greatest show on television, so I’ll be discussing it on Tuesday. If you want to join in on the conversation, best get your binge on.
Title: Let the Punishment Fit the Crime
Genre: Thriller/Drama
Logline: Hollywood icon Chad Burroughs is America’s best-loved human being. But the world is about to find out that Mr. Perfect has had his daughter locked in his basement for the last 13 years, and that she is the mother of his children – the ones he hasn’t disposed of.
Why You Should Read: This is my fifth script, and I’ve tried to incorporate everything in it that I have learned from this site over the years: it has GSU, shocking turnarounds, a bitchin’ Bad Guy, a big reversal on page 24, dialog that “pops”, a low character count, a short time-span, dramatic irony, it’s a thriller…
On the other hand, it is based on factual events and does break a few rules.
I would love to know what people, and in particular Carson, think.
Even if you don’t get that far into this script, I would really appreciate it if you could read the turnaround on page 24 and let me know what you thought of it.
Title: Language of the Birds
Genre: Urban Dreamed
Logline: (The Fisher King meets Charles Dickens) A famous bi-polar Linguistics Professor retracts from the modern world and ends up homeless in NYC to live the vicarious life of Charles Dickens. Through the language of birds, he discovers the syntax of living ‘in the moment’ and sets out to build a monumental Christmas tree in Times Square, to reconnect with his daughter.
Why You Should Read: I’ve crashed and burned many times into the pit of Scriptshadow sorrow, but like all of us committed to this dream, we dust off the pride and search for that next big cathartic script. ..Only to find ourselves in another writing frenzy and come out the other side burnt. Well, I haven’t crashed yet! This is an original story from the heart, pitched at those of us that linger in old fashioned literature, in a modern world of language reduced down to 140 character ‘tweets’. It also touches on mental illness and the homeless, especially on Christmas Day; the loneliest day of the year for a lot of people in NYC. Despite all that, it’s a fun and uplifting story of humanity, when we’ve all been guilty of awkwardly side-stepping that homeless person. Those ‘crazies’, that dare to live in the moment, inside their heads…Give them some empathy next time, most are probably failed screenwriters! A little bird told me that I should wait; I might have a better chance with this script in next year’s Scriptshadow 2500 contest. The Grand Prix of Pits… Enjoy.
Title: HEXEN (Witches)
Genre: HORROR/THRILLER
Logline: When a desperate man drags his depressed wife and step-daughter to rural Germany for family support; what he discovers instead are dark cult roots, an isolated hippy haven, and the terrifying realization that they may not be free to leave alive.”
Why You Should Read: My name is Alex Ross, and my screenplay, HEXEN, won the grand prize in the Script Pipeline competition (out of 3,500 scripts) and is also highly rated on the Black List as “top unrepresented horror”. Here’s why I would like the script to be reviewed: I see HEXEN as a fresh take on a very stale and predictable genre. It’s a throwback to the thrillers from the 70’s (Rosemary’s Baby, The Shining, Don’t Look Now), but with a modern, realistic approach. It purposely breaks the tired “rules” of horror storytelling, which audiences have come to expect by now. A main protagonist vanishes half-way through, character’s motives are ambiguous, and the ending is left somewhat open-ended. Say what you will about the script… one thing it’s not, is predictable. However, it has alienated some who are looking for something a little more mainstream, and I’m finding it difficult to find industry pros who can see outside the box, and who are willing to take a chance and get behind it. I need all the help I can get…
Title: Mind Crime
Genre: Thriller
Logline: An unlawfully convicted man serves every day of his 25 year sentence, but when released he finds out only two weeks have passed from his sentencing date.
Why You Should Read: I know this is a bold statement, but I challenge everyone who reads this that you will not be able to guess what is going on until YOU READ until the end. No cheating. Whatever you think it is, when you find out, you’ll even be more shocked. Everyone wants originality, and by the second Act, you’ll be steeped in it. Maybe a little too far. It is truly hard to find a thriller idea that keeps you guessing, but when this one came to MIND, I had to take a stab at it. I have written for some actors such as Ron Perlman, Ving Rhames, and producer Steve Whitney. But so far, I haven’t luck with the Hollywood patience game.
Title: DESTRUCTO
Genre: Black Comedy/Sci-fi
Logline: Struggling financially, a young man retrains as a programmer and discovers that robots are walking among us. When one murders his brother, he sets out to find their origin and their mission.
Why You Should Read: I was disappointed when this one didn’t make the 250. From your columns, I believe my logline didn’t show enough conflict. So I’m trying AOW with a revised logline. And one more thing – robots. Like in your April 23 article, Hollywood’s Subject Matter of Choice. Ring a bell?
Get Your Script Reviewed On Scriptshadow!: To submit your script for an Amateur Review, send in a PDF of your script, along with the title, genre, logline, and finally, something interesting about yourself and/or your script that you’d like us to post along with the script if reviewed. Use my submission address please: Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Remember that your script will be posted. If you’re nervous about the effects of a bad review, feel free to use an alias name and/or title. It’s a good idea to resubmit every couple of weeks so your submission stays near the top.
Genre: Action Thriller
Premise (from writer): A troubled state police officer teams with his cantankerous war veteran father when he tries to rescue his younger brothers, two muscle car street-rodders who have gotten in over their heads transporting marijuana for a team of ex Special Forces assassins.
Why You Should Read (from writer): Because it’s a polished draft in a classic genre, with strong characters, crisp dialogue, and set in a unique world. This is by definition a low concept genre exercise, and yet these types of movies seem to get made all the time, albeit straight to VOD and DVD, so I’m hopeful that an AF spotlight might help get this script in front of the right eyes. It’s gotten a little bit of love on the contest circuit (Page Semi Finals and two rounds at Austin), and I’m optimistic that many of the great SS Faithful will enjoy it and that it will rise to the top if given a spot on AOW.
Writer: Scott Martin
Details: 105 pages
I pointed out in last week’s Amateur Offerings how much I liked this logline. A lot of you countered that it was too long. I agree that it’s long. But good writers can make long sentences work. And Scott’s a good writer who definitely made this work. I never had to reread the logline or stumble through any odd phrasing, something I do regularly with amateur loglines. I don’t know, something about this logline clicked.
And when Dead Drunk ended up winning the weekend, I felt vindicated. One of the truths screenwriters don’t want to admit is that a logline matters. If a reader reads a logline that’s unfocused, unsure of itself or badly written, they know that the script is going to be the same way. While the skill required to write a logline is different from the skill required to write a screenplay, good writers recognize that the logline is the bridge to a read and therefore practice until they get it right.
The only thing wrong with Dead Drunk’s pitch is that I’m going into it with high expectations. Good logline, runaway winner in the voting. I’m expecting a lot here. Let’s see if the screenplay delivers…
It’s Oregon circa 1974, right after the soldiers started returning from Vietnam. One of those soldiers is 25 year-old Jarret Westin, a ferry captain. Now since ferry captains don’t exactly rake in the dough, Jarret supplements his income by making marijuana runs into the big city with his older brother, resident troublemaker, Sylvan.
Ironically, these two have another brother, Wes, who’s a state cop. And when he gets word that his brothers are running drugs, he gives them a firm talking to and tells them it has to end. This leads to Jarret and Sylvan NOT ENDING anything, and picking up their latest shipment from the local pot farm.
While there, they don’t see a secret team of men stick the 1974 version of a car tracker (they had those?) on their car. Jarret and Sylvan don’t know it, but they’re about to be followed.
The two eventually catch whiff of the baddies following them and decide to make a run for it cross-country. The mysterious bad guys follow them, and then Wes and the brothers’ father, World War 2 hero, Delbert (does anybody in this family have a normal name?), follow the bad guys. As you’d expect, these three cliques all come crashing together, and not everybody survives the melee, with even the studs at risk of leaving the pile dead, drunk, or naked.
As I read through the first five pages of Dead Drunk and Naked, I started getting those stars in my eyes, those special Scriptshadow stars that lead me to call up industry folks and tell them that I think I found a winner.
We’ve got guys transporting drugs. We’ve got a brother who works for the state police trying to stop them. We’ve got some mystery dudes secretly throwing a tracker on their car. We’ve got a unique voice. A unique subject matter. This futhermucker was rolling in the right direction.
But I’ll tell you when the script slipped out of gear for me. It was in the first bar scene. Here we spend the first ten pages building up this exciting story, and then we pause all that to have our characters drink a beer for no other reason than to set up other characters, cover some exposition, and sling in some backstory. It was like going down that first drop on a roller coaster and then, right before you hit the loops, the coaster stops.
But while my harness may have loosened, I still wanted to complete the ride. There were so many promising signs. Like the way that Martin would take an extra beat every once in awhile to give us slightly more detail. Here’s what he writes in describing the main characters’ hometown:
Small-town Oregon in the heart of the Willamette River Valley — Willamette Falls, population 900 and shrinking.
Now that might not seem like much. But that last line is brilliant. Where most amateurs would’ve stopped at “Population 900,” Martin adds, “and shrinking.” With two simple words, he’s said so much about this town. It’s dying. An amateur would’ve spent a bunch of endless description detailing the abandoned town. Martin gives us, “and shrinking” and we know exactly what’s going on.
Also, I liked the mystery behind these killers. That’s the main thing that kept me turning the pages. I needed to find out who they were and what they wanted with Jarret and Sylvan. Because it wasn’t just about the drugs. They could’ve taken the drugs back at the farm. There was something more that they needed. And I needed to know that something.
But here’s where the script struggled. When you write a road trip film, and the people on that trip know each other, they need to be working through something. If there’s not some deep-set issue there, then there’s nowhere for the relationship to go. It’s just a bunch of dead dialogue. And we don’t get that only once (with Jarrett and Sylvan). We get it twice (with Wes and Dilbert).
Wes is probably the most interesting character of the bunch, as he’s the only one who has had anything of significance happen to him – his wife and kids have left him. But his wife is nowhere to be seen the entire movie. The person he’s with is his father. And his father appears to be supportive of him. Supportive fathers may be great for real life. But they’re horrible for movies. We need unsupportive. We need unresolved. And we weren’t getting that anywhere.
I read a script not long ago that had a similar setup, and the adult-son was still mad at his father for leaving his mom. So there was some actual conflict between the characters, something for them to work through over the course of the movie. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. You want your characters to agree on as little as possible. Disagreeing leads to conflict leads to relationship strife leads to relationship resolution, which is what movies are all about.
And look, I know you can go overboard with this stuff. The dreadful Free Fall proved that. But when I bring these things up, I’m not thinking about the cheesy on-the-nose version of events. I’m thinking about the “real world” version. I imagine authenticity dictating the plot – not “conflict for the sake of conflict.”
Now maybe the lack of relationship development would be acceptable if – IF – the characters were working through their own flaws. But out of our four main characters, I didn’t identify a single one that was battling something within himself. If you have a movie where the main characters aren’t trying to work through their own shit, I’m not sure you have a movie.
While I enjoyed the writing here, Dead Drunk & Naked suffers from a story that has too much stopping, too many meals, too many bar stops, and too much conversation about things that don’t matter. I’d love to see a story that’s more plot focused, that relies more on suspense (think the famous Cop across the street scene in Psycho), that has more urgency, and that has more character and relationship development.
Remember that character is not created through characters talking about one another. It’s created through action. Matt Damon doesn’t talk about how he wants to get off of Mars. He works on something every day to help him get off Mars. Dead Drunk & Naked needs more of that. Good luck, Scott!
Script link: Dead Drunk & Naked
[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Two characters talking about a third character in a non plot related way is almost always boring. Here’s some made-up dialogue to sell that point: “What do you think about Frank?” “I think he has issues, you know?” “Man doesn’t know right from wrong ever since he got fired from his job.” People don’t care. If you want to tell us who a character is, do it through an action FROM THAT CHARACTER. Which of these does a better job at conveying character? Luke: “Hey Obi-Wan, what do you think of that Han guy?” Obi-Wan: “Don’t like him. He’s entitled, you know? And he doesn’t even believe in the force.” Luke: “I haven’t seen him help anybody yet unless it benefits him.” Obi-Wan: “Selfish bastard.” VERSUS “Come help us save the Princess.” “No, go save her yourself.” “You’ll get a reward.” “Okay, what’s the plan?”
I am going to make a declaration at this moment that will change your life. I am going to guarantee (yes, I said GUARANTEE) that I improve the dialogue in your latest script. Guaranteed better dialogue, you say, Carson? How is that even possible? Are you a magician? Funny you should ask. I am. And today’s magic trick is going to make Harry Potter s&%# his pants.
You see, I’ve been reading your Scriptshadow 250 entries, and one of the things I haven’t been too impressed with is the dialogue. Much of it is, shall we say, uninspired. So I cooked up some eggs (I do this whenever I have deep-thinking sessions) sat down with myself, and I asked myself, “What can I tell these eager screenwriting mavens to help them better their dialogue??” About five eggs in, after getting a good egg-buzz going, it came to me like a rooster at sunrise.
Dialogue… is differlogue.
Do not avert your eyes. Because yes, it just happened. I made up a word, my friends. One that I will be submitting for entry into Webster’s Dictionary as soon as I finish this article. You see, the main issue with all the dialogue I’ve read… IS THAT IT WAS ALL THE SAME. The sentence structure was the same. Everybody said the same things. Everybody spoke in the same cadence. Everybody had the same personality. These writers were not aware of life’s three essential truths. The right to freedom. The right to happiness. And that dialogue is differelogue.
The concept behind differlogue is simple. Good dialogue is derived from two characters who speak differently. The contrasting styles bring a natural spark to the conversation. If a depressed DMV worker is speaking with another depressed DMV worker, the personality of the dialogue is going to be very one-note (read: boring). But if you pair a depressed DMV worker with an over-sharing optimistic 17 year-old cheerleader, now your dialogue comes to life via the power of contrast.
DIFFERLOGUE!
You achieve differlogue by figuring out what makes a character unique, and then giving them an IDENTIFIER that will subsequently inform the way they speak. Once you’ve assigned identifiers for each character, put them in a conversation together and watch your dialogue come alive. There are literally hundreds of identifiers you can use for characters, but to start you off, I’ll list 15 of the most common ones. Here we go!
1) The Chatterbox – You know this person. Everybody has one in their life. They talk and they talk and they talk and they WON’T SHUT THEIR TRAP. They’re usually super annoying, and therefore perfect for characters you want your reader to dislike. However, you can use the chatterbox in endearing ways as well, such as with Lloyd Dobler in Say Anything.
2) The Cool Cat – The cool cat tends to take their time when they speak. They’re in no hurry. And they don’t care if you are. Unlike the chatterbox, who says a lot, the cool cat usually chooses his words carefully and says little. Check out Matthew McConaughey’s famous character from Dazed and Confused to see the cool cat in action.
3) The Nervous Nellie – This character hates talking. Every sentence is an adventure for them and they’re 90% sure they’re going to fuck it up. They’ll often stop mid-sentence, think back, re-phrase things, before stumbling forward again. These people don’t like to talk. And you can hear it in their voice.
4) The Impatient – These people have a million things to do and they consider a conversation with you as a necessary obstacle to achieving these things. For this reason, they spit out their words quickly and expect quick answers. There’s an underlying tension when these characters speak as their impatience puts pressure on others to keep up. A lot of bosses will carry this tone, but there’s no reason why you can’t assign the impatient to your hero’s wife (or even 5 year old son!).
5) The Clown – Some people can’t go ten seconds without making a joke. Humor is their way of getting noticed and also their defense against a cruel cruel world, so they’ll use it when times are good and when times are bad. Don’t be afraid to play with these characters. For example, you can make them genuinely funny or embarrassingly unfunny. Each will have a different effect on the dialogue.
6) The Movie Star – No, I don’t mean a literal movie star, I mean the kind of character who oozes so much charm, so much confidence, so much swagger, that they come off as larger than life. The ultimate “Movie Star” character is Tony Stark, aka Iron Man.
7) The Internal – This character speaks even less than the cool cat. They don’t think talking is worth all the trouble. If they have something important to say, they’ll say it. Otherwise they either answer in 1-3 word sentences or not at all. A great example of The Internal is Mike from Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul.
8) Sarcastic Sam – A close cousin to the clown, think of Sarcastic Sam as an opportunist who’s always looking for the perfect moment to bust out his favorite sentence-toy, sarcasm. “You cold? You look cold.” “Oh no, my face is always the color of sea water.” Even when Sarcastic Sam isn’t being sarcastic, you get the sense that he’s waiting for the next opportunity.
9) The Military Man – These characters tend to speak very formally and get straight to the point. Like The Impatient, they create tension in a conversation, but the military man is more respectful and engaging. Still, these characters will rarely add flavor to anything they say. They keep it vanilla unlike Godzilla. The ultimate military man was Colonel Fitts from American Beauty. But there’s no reason why you can’t assign “Military Man” to a babysitter, a 7-11 checker, or a UPS delivery woman.
10) The Used Car Salesman – These characters always seem to be selling you something, even when there’s nothing to sell. They also always seem like they’re hiding something or know something about you that they’re keeping to themselves. These characters always keep you off-balance since you can never trust a word they say.
11) Debbie Downer – This person finds every opportunity to rain on your parade. Tell him it’s nice out? He’ll counter with, “Enjoy it. It’s supposed to rain tomorrow.” Compliment his tie? He’ll point out, “It’s my father’s. He died last month.” Take him out for his favorite ice cream. He’ll take one lick before proclaiming, “It was better last week.” Nobody likes a Debbie downer, but they can be a joy to write dialogue for.
12) The Know-it-All – The know-it-all doesn’t need much explanation. He knows it all. And he’s going to tell you every chance he gets.
13) The Queen Bee – The Queen Bee, like everyone here, is not gender specific. It can be a woman or a man. It signifies someone who’s in charge and uses that power to influence the world around them. These characters have a way of talking down to you like you’re five.
14) The Scatterbrain – The scatterbrain usually has 15% of his brain dedicated to the current conversation and 85% to all the other shit they have to do. The scatterbrain will ask for a lot of “Say that agains” and pepper his speech with plenty of “uh-huhs” even though he’s rarely listening.
15) The Guarded – The Guarded speaks very carefully since they don’t trust people. They believe everyone they talk to wants something or knows something about them, and therefore a conversation with The Guarded is sort of like a chess match. You have to make the right moves to get more out of them. Otherwise, their measured approach will stonewall your ass.
These are just 15 examples but there are plenty more out there. If you’re looking to add to the list, find your favorite movies and see if you can label the main characters with an identifier. Now some of these might seem a bit broad, but they’re just starting points. There are shades of gray to each. And you’ll find that some of your favorite characters ever fall into these categories. Robert DeNiro in Heat is a Guarded. Andy Dufresne in Shawshank Redemption is an Internal. George McFly in Back to the Future is a scatterbrain.
But the real power of these identifiers comes when you do two things: Use them against type and pit two opposite identifiers against each other. For example, to go against type, make a dorky 13 year-old the Queen Bee. Or make the CEO of the biggest company in the world a Nervous Nellie. The irony should add a little extra kick to the dialogue. Then, to really have fun with dialogue, pit the most contrasting identifiers against each other. A Negative Nancy with a Movie Star. A chatterbox with a Guarded. A know-it-all with a military man.
In fact, I want you to do that right now. In order to see the power of the differlogue, take a couple of the above identifiers, opposite ones preferably, assign them to two characters, then go write a scene. You’ll notice your dialogue getting better right in front of your eyes. From there, you’re only steps away from utilizing this tool in your current screenplay. I’d ask you to post your results but there isn’t any point. All of it will be genius. Have fun writing the best dialogue ever!
It’s Interstellar meets Unbreakable in this offbeat sci-fi tale that reunites Sam Worthington with the genre that made him so popular. Will the material allow Worthington to shine? Or is he forever cursed to be Jai Courtney’s acting twin?
Genre: Sci-fi
Premise: In the near future, with earth’s resources dwindling, the government approves a top-secret project that will allow humans to live on Jupiter’s moon, Titan, which they hope will lead to colonization.
About: This was penned by Max Hurwitz, who wrote a couple of episodes of AMC’s Hell on Wheels, and is based on an original idea by Arash Amel, who wrote Grace of Monaco. It will star Sam Worthington and Ruth Wilson (one of my favorite new actresses who stars in one of my favorite shows, The Affair), and is being directed by first-timer, Lennart Ruff. With Worthington having no idea when, or if, the Avatar sequels are ever coming out, he realizes he has to keep making that monnnnn-nay.
Writer: Max Hurwitz (based on an idea by Arash Amel)
Details: 112 pages
The other day I was talking to a writer about genres. Actually, not just genres, but specific kinds of movies. Like, “Revenge Thriller.” Anything where you can say the descriptor out loud and another person knows exactly what kind of movie you’re talking about (the “damaged hero biopic” aka “The Aviator,” “A Beautiful Mind”).
Where Hollywood gets worried is when you give them a script that doesn’t fall into one of these categories. Because they don’t have a blueprint for how to market the film. And if they don’t have a blueprint, they freak the fuck out. Because that means they have to make something up that hasn’t been tested. Got forbid these people actually earn their money.
A perfect example is a movie like “American Ultra.” What is that movie? Is it a pot comedy? An action film? A thriller? Nobody knows. Or the more recent Crimson Peak. Is it a gothic horror? A gothic romance? A gothic horror romance? We don’t know. So they don’t know how to market it, which leads to the marketing looking confused, which leads to potential audience members being confused, which leads to no one showing up for your movie, which leads to Max Landis going on a tweet rant about how nobody likes good movies anymore.
The Titan has a little of that going for it. Is this a “monster-in-the-box” movie, a la “Aliens?” Not really. Is it a mystery? Yeah, it’s got aspects of that I suppose. I think the best way to categorize it is a sci-fi thriller mystery. But is that a movie type? I don’t think so. And that’s the main issue The Titan’s fighting against.
We’re in Northumberland, which I believe is in England, on a secret remote base, in the year 2050. U.S. Air Force pilot Rick Janssen has brought his family (wife Abi and son Lucas) to live here while he participates in a very important experiment.
You see, our planet is going to die soon. Don’t believe me? Ask Leonardo DiCaprio. And unless we do something radical, we’re going to die along with it. That’s what this mission is about. Rick, along with six other volunteers, is going to have his body reconditioned to live on Jupiter’s moon, Titan, in the hopes of us one day being able to transport the human race there.
This sounds like a fun little adventure, right? It is. Until Rick and Abi realize Rick is being juiced up with a cocktail of drugs that would make 1978 Arnold Schwarzenegger blush. All of a sudden, Rick starts experiencing vastly improved abilities. He can hold his breath for 30 minutes. He can run twice as fast as he used to. He can survive in sub-freezing temperatures for hours on end. He’s super-human, basically the opposite of Ronda Rousey.
But with these newfound abilities come a deteriorating immune system. And while Rick’s system seems to be holding together, the other volunteers are falling apart faster than a game of drunk jenga. The Captain of their mission dies after a seizure. One of the other guys goes haywire, killing his wife. And everybody else is the equivalent of a walking zombie. Rick is the only one who seems to be able to handle the drugs.
This is when Abi starts getting suspicious, which only gets worse when she finds a bunch of hidden cameras throughout her house. And no, it does not look like a few friends simply forgot their gopros.
(spoilers) What Abi eventually learns is that these scientist ASSHOLES are injecting Rick with a serum designed to rewrite his DNA code. This essentially means that Rick is evolving into the next level of human. What the scientists didn’t account for was just how dangerous Rick would be. And when Rick escapes, they’ll have to decide whether to destroy their 300 million dollar investment, or try and take him alive, a proposition that may mean their entire base getting wiped out.
Like I said earlier, I don’t truly know what this genre is. The closest thing I could come with was a mystery. Something was happening to Rick – something that the scientists were keeping from him – and it was up to Abi to figure out what it was.
The problem is, when you build up a movie-long mystery, the reveal has to be a whopper, something we weren’t expecting. Here, we strongly suspected that the scientists were doing something bad to Rick and it turns out… they were doing something bad to Rick. I mean, they weren’t even lying about the Titan thing. So even though they didn’t fill Rick in on the finer details, an argument could be made that they were honest with him.
So I guess I was a little let down by that.
This brought attention to one of the script’s major weaknesses – that all the characters were so stupid. If someone’s pumping dozens of chemicals into you every day and you’re projectile blood-vomiting out of your eyeballs, it’s kind of on you if you don’t question what the hell is going on. Everybody here was so willing to accept this treatment that I kind of wanted to punch them. Audiences HATE dumb characters. So you want to avoid them if possible.
If there’s a saving grace here, it’s the emotional component of the script. Not to sidetrack, but I was listening to an Aaron Sorkin interview recently, and in it he talked about the two components to making a screenplay work. First you have to come up with the structure. Then you have to find the emotional center of the screenplay.
So with his script, “Jobs,” he languished over how he was going to tell the story until finally landing on the 3 major Jobs presentations. But he still couldn’t write the movie because he didn’t know what the emotional core was going to be. After speaking with Jobs’s real-life daughter for research, he realized that she and him were the emotional center. And if you’ve seen the film, you see how well that works. Without it, it’s just this cold cruel man talking about going with 256 MB worth of memory instead of 512. Audiences always need more than a nuts and bolts plot. THEY NEED TO FEEL.
And Hurwitz pulls this off with The Titan. The script keeps coming back to the deep love Abi and Rick have for each other. As he starts turning into this monster, their love carries her through. That was powerful.
This helps cover up the fact that The Titan dances through one too many genres. And hey, sometimes that can work. That’s how you come up with truly original material – stuff like Pulp Fiction or Being John Malkovich. You create stories that exist between the genre lines. I’m just not sure The Titan offers a unique enough perspective to hit the same sweet spot that those films did. At its heart, it’s a simple low-budget sci-fi film. It’s not “Pi.” I’m not saying the script is a failure. There’s some good stuff here. But I left feeling like there coulda been more.
[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: If you’re going to spend an entire screenplay building up a mystery, the big reveal of that mystery can’t be a moderately elevated version of what the audience already suspected (I thought the scientists in The Titan were injecting Rick with more sinister things. It turns out they were injecting Rick with more sinister things!). With these big script-long mysteries, you have to wow us with something unexpected come reveal-time. Otherwise, you’re going to see that dreaded shrug of the shoulders followed by the devastating, “That’s it???”
Today’s TV pilot packs a surprising punch while teaching us a few necessities to writing a good pilot. Never underestimate the Lopez.
Genre: TV Pilot – Cop Procedural
Premise: A dirty female cop thinks she’s got the city by the balls until an unexpected event forces her to deceive the crew she runs with.
About: This is a BIG show NBC is banking on. It stars Jennifer Lopez and Ray Liotta and was written by Adi Hasak, who gave us the Travolta film, From Paris with Love and the Costner thriller, 3 Days to Kill, which Hasak co-wrote with Luc Besson. The pilot is being directed by Barry Levinson (Rain Man). I’ve heard good things about the script so I decided to give it a shot!
Writer: Adi Hasak
Details: 57 pages – First Network Draft (January 20th, 2015)
You know, I used to see a show like this and go, “What are they thinking? Another major network cop procedural? We’ve got 50 of those to choose from already.” Then you’ve got the judge from American Idol and an actor whose best roles are 20 years behind him. And you expect me to get excited about this?
But I’ve grown to respect how hard it is to get a TV show on the air. Much like when I saw Transformers 10 years ago and thought, “Anybody could write that,” I’ve since learned that only the biggest screenwriters who have worked, at minimum, ten years in the business, get to write those films. We may see this stuff as yet another generic cop show or yet another generic popcorn movie. But don’t be fooled. This is the top of the mountain. This is the most studios and networks pay to put a show together. So they want the best. And therefore, the scripts and writers who make it to this mountaintop? They’re doing something VERY RIGHT.
And usually, when you look a little closer to these big pickups, there’s more going on than you think. With cop procedurals (or medical procedurals, or legal procedurals) the genres are so crowded, you have to find a new angle. How do you do that with a format that’s been around for 50 years? You do it by locating a CURRENT ISSUE and exploiting that. Because besides going high-concept, the only way to differentiate yourself from the past is to focus on the present.
What’s the current issue in Shades of Blue? Cops illegally killing people and cooperating with one another in order to get away with it.
In fact, that’s how our show starts. 36 year-old Harlee Santos, a tough female cop who lives for her 16 year-old daughter, is escorting her green partner, Loman, on what should be a routine Q&A with a local drug dealer. But Loman freaks out and shoots the man despite the fact that he didn’t do anything.
While Loman goes white, Harlee methodically dresses the scene to look like the thug shot first. We’re going to get through this fine, Harlee assures her new partner. Loman, however, doesn’t look so optimistic.
It turns out this isn’t Harlee’s first foray into Sketch City. Her Lieutenant (and godfather to her daughter), Bill Wozniak, runs an inter-precinct outfit with Harlee and a few other dirty cops that skims money off the local establishments. That’s right. Harlee’s dirty. Very dirty. But hey, she’s doing it for a good cause. Her daughter. So it’s all right, right?
While Harlee frets about internal affairs investigating the shooting, she’s told that the deceased’s partner is still on the loose, and so he becomes her target. But just when she thinks everything is going smoothly, she’s caught skimming money from a local drug dealer, and the FBI swoops in. Uh oh. She’s been set up.
Robert Staal, the agent in charge of this operation, wants Harlee to do the worst thing imaginable. He wants her to go undercover and take down her entire corrupt crew. If she does this, she won’t do 8-10 years. Harlee balks at first, until the steely Staal reminds her that a daughter growing up in a rough neighborhood without any parental figures usually doesn’t end well for the daughter.
Harlee reluctantly signs the deal with the devil, and begins the hardest job of her life – deceiving the only people in the world she trusts.
When you write a script, whether it be a pilot or a feature, you have a choice at the beginning. You can either set up your characters, or you can dramatize the situation. Dramatizing something means finding an interesting situation with conflict and suspense, something an audience will want to keep reading about until it’s resolved.
Character walks into ice cream shop and talks with an old friend? – not dramatized.
Character walks into ice cream shop to tell an old friend that she has to end their friendship? – dramatized
Since today’s script is about shades, the balance between setting up characters and dramatizing is never a set percentage. There are shades. You can focus mainly on the setup while doing a little bit of dramatizing. Or you can focus mainly on a big dramatic event and squeeze in a few decent character setups when possible. Every script will have different requirements.
But I’m going to let you in on a secret that only the pros know. When you DRAMATIZE a situation, you set up your characters without even trying. That’s because we get to know characters best when they’re under pressure and faced with difficult choices.
For instance, here, we get to know Harlee and Loman through the actions they take in this opening scene. Loman accidentally kills this guy. He’s frozen, freaking out, unable to process what he’s done. Meanwhile, Harlee moves into cover-up mode without blinking. She’s cool and calm under pressure, a total pro.
We learn a TON about these two from their actions here (or, in Loman’s case, his lack of action). It’s still the best way going to set up characters. So stop with the clever dialogue scenes or played-out cop banter. Put your characters in a difficult situation and watch how they react. That will tell us everything we need to know about them.
I knew Shades of Blue was going to be good when I read that opening scene. If a writer shows skill in highly important areas (like setting up characters), I know he knows what he’s doing and will make more good choices.
So I wasn’t surprised when I saw Hasak interweave his scenes. What did you say, Carson? Inter-what? What the hell are you talking about?
To understand interweaving scenes, one must first understand compartmentalizing scenes. When you compartmentalize scenes, you say: This is the interrogation scene THEN This is the investigation scene THEN This is the scene where they visit Joe at his apartment and ask if he’s the killer THEN This is the scene where Harlee gets caught. If you write like that, with everything so separate and insular, your script is going to get predictable and boring.
Instead, you want your scenes to have tentacles and for those tentacles to intermingle and wrap around each other to create not scenes, but more like scene-hybrids, a series of moments that tackle multiple story issues.
Let me give you an example.
In the middle of Shades of Blue, Harlee gets caught by the FBI. They bring her to their hideout and tell her she’ll be arrested unless she helps them. This has the potential to be a compartmentalized scene. It’s insular. It’s straightforward. We’re heading towards Boringsville. So pay attention to how Hasak avoids this.
Throughout the script, we’ve been building up Harlee’s daughter’s recital. It’s extremely important to her daughter. If her mother misses it, she may disown her mom. That recital happens to be happening RIGHT NOW.
So Harlee pesters the FBI about this. She HAS to be at that recital. She’ll talk to them. She’ll consider what they want. But she HAS to be at that recital. If she isn’t, they can expect nothing from her. Staal, the leader, begrudgingly lets her go. But he has to accompany her.
We then get a scene where our FBI agent who’s going to make our hero rat out all her accomplices, joins her while watching her daughter’s recital. To make things even more fun, Hasak has Wozniak (the guy who’s leading the group that Harlee will have to take down) show up at the recital and sit down on the other side of Harlee.
We realize we’re experiencing the best scene in a cop show and it’s not taking place in an alleyway, in a drug den, or on the Number 4 train at 2 a.m. It’s taking place at a high school cello recital. And that’s why you interweave shit as opposed to compartmentalize it. When you interweave, you get much more interesting scenes that put your characters in environments or situations that they wouldn’t normally be in.
Amateurs NEVER DO THIS. They always have the “FBI gets the cop to agree to their terms” scene take place back at the boring office, a compartmentalized scene we’ve seen a billion times before.
When you read Shades of Blue, you realize how it beat out so many other pilots to get on the air. It’s good writing. I mean shit, it’s got a bad guy who, while yelling at a guy at the morgue, stuffs human ashes down his throat to shut him up. Where else ya going to find that??
[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[xx] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: In features, every loop that is opened must be closed. Not in pilots. You can open as many loops as you want and leave them open. Take advantage of this. You can set some pretty crazy stuff up even though you don’t yet know how you’re going to resolve it. But hey, if it sounds cool and makes a producer want to buy the thing, what do you care? You’ll cross that bridge once you’ve got your fully-staffed writers’ room. ☺
What I learned 2: Unfinished business. Always keep some unfinished business going on in the background of your story. If you finish business, make sure there’s other unfinished business threads going on as well. This is particularly important in TV, where you’re forced to write a lot of low-budget one-on-one character scenes. These scenes stay interesting, in part, because we know that unfinished business is still out there needing resolution. The example of that here is Harlee’s pursuit of Malik, the other guy who was in the apartment when Loman killed the dealer. Harlee has numerous scenes with other characters where she’s dealing with other story threads, and even though they’re occasionally slow, we roll with them because we’ve got that juicy unfinished business thread with Malik to look forward to. If all your business if finished, you may as well end your show.
