The Deadpool writers are hot again. They give us a new script that asks, “What if the Alien movie scenario happened in real life?”
Genre: Sci-fi
Premise: When the International Space Station team starts studying the first microbe of life from Mars, they quickly learn they’re in for more than they bargained for.
About: Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick are best known for their breakout hit, Zombieland, but they’ll soon be known for a much bigger movie, the first superhero film of the year, Deadpool. This is another project they just set up with Mission Impossible 12 breakout star, Rebecca Ferguson. One of the best things about this project is that it’s, wait for it, an original story. Why is this important? Because if a project like this does well, it reignites the industry’s faith in original material. So let’s set our prayer alarm on level awesome and hope Life delivers.
Writers: Rhett Reese & Paul Wernick
Details: 115 pages – March 6, 2015 draft
Isn’t this town wonderful? Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick became Hollywood darlings when their script, Zombieland, became an unexpected box office hit. For a good half-year, they were the “It” writers in Hollywood. Everyone wanted their next script. Then the two chose to take on G.I. Joe 2 and their heat melted faster than a Snake Eyes action figure under an industrial sized microscope. If it wasn’t for someone throwing up test footage of their long-ago written Deadpool screenplay, they might be writing episodes of The Goldbergs right now (“Hey Gladys! Are we still going to the Duran Duran concert tonight!?” ZOINKS!).
Zombieland is actually a cautionary tale that up-and-coming writers (and directors) should take note of. Everyone associated with that project should’ve ended up becoming huge. Instead, they made critical mistakes that almost cost them their careers (and for director Ruben Fleischer, it may have done just that).
Here’s how it went down. After Zombieland, Reese and Wernick were offered G.I. Joe 2. No doubt they had other logs in the fire, but G.I. Joe was their big paycheck. When that much money comes at you, the temptation to take it is high. The problem is, you just came off of a buzzy over-performing “cool” movie. Moving over to G.I. Joe significantly “uncools” you. Now you’re not the hip guys with the magic touch anymore. You’re the guys who did G.I. Joe. Thank God for Deadpool, as they’re now hot again (this non-IP project of theirs being set up last week is proof-positive of that).
The director, Fleischer, made a different kind of mistake. He fell into the Hollywood Hype Bubble, a unique ecosystem where all the studios are hyping their projects, using any sort of trickery they can find to make their project sound cooler than the next. They have to do this, as they’re all going after the same big names, the same hot directors. Overselling is a necessity. As a result of this, you have tons of “house of cards” projects. Everyone SAYS they’re great. But those people are usually just re-chirping what they heard somewhere else. Rarely has someone checked to see if the project’s, indeed, any good.
I remember when Gangster Squad was the most talked about project in town. I read the script and it was not something that should’ve been talked about. There was no focus, no story. It shouldn’t be suprising then that that’s the criticism the movie got when it came out.
The point here being that you don’t want to sign on to something just because everyone is talking about it. You want to sign onto something because you feel passionate about it. Nowadays, Ruben Fleischer is directing episodes of that NBC Walmart sitcom, Superstore. If he and his writers would’ve stayed within their wheelhouse and taken on something cool and fun, I have no doubt they’d be on a much steadier career path now. Future breakthrough writers beware.
Life starts off FRENZIED. The crew of the International Space Station is running around like test lab rats with their heads cut off because the team back on Mars found a living bacterial organism and has sent it their way via Space Fed Ex. Something malfunctioned though, and the container is going to shoot past them, potentially burning up in earth’s atmosphere. So they come up with some complex maneuver to grab the delivery, barely saving the cargo. Oh, the irony.
Once inside the ship, they place the thing in one of those fancy germ-container lab rooms. By “they” I mean 10 astronauts, the key of whom is Miranda Bragg, a by-the-books representative for the Center for Disease Control. The whole reason they’re studying this Mars bacteria up here instead of down on earth, is in case it should happen to morph into something dangerous and become the next black plague.
Now remember, this cell is supposed to be dormant. So everyone’s shocked when it starts multiplying. Still, they’re more excited that this proof of life on Mars is actually proving its life in front of them. I mean, if they’re anything like the rest of us, it’s been announced to them five million times in the media over the last decade that “There’s water on Mars” and “Life found on Mars!” For once it’s actually TRUE.
Soon this thing morphs into the size of a Frisbee and starts taking interest in the humans observing it. After grabbing one such human and crushing his hand, it gets inside another’s suit and crush-eats him a chunk at a time. Luckily, it’s stuck in that lab. There’s no way out. Oh, except when someone tries to kill it with fire, which triggers the sprinkler system, which provides a small hole in the ceiling for Frisbee Alien to sneak out through. Which now means… IT’S SOMEWHERE IN THE WALLS OF THE STATION.
Shit only gets worse (as you can imagine) as this thing starts stalking them, seemingly understanding that if it doesn’t kill them, they will kill it. This information gets down to good ole planet earth, which decides to enact Order 66 on the station, meaning our occupants are going to need to find a solution fast or join George Clooney as part of earth’s low-gravity memorabilia. It’ll be up to Bragg to find that solution, but it all may be too late.
The first thing that stuck out to me about Life was how badly written the first scene was. And I italicized “written” because despite the scene sucking on the page, I know it’s going to work onscreen.
“Wait a minute, Carson. That makes no sense. Please explain.”
The reason the first scene is a mess is because we’re introduced to 10 people inside of two pages. We obviously don’t know who any of them are yet. And on top of that, it’s an action scene. So while we’re trying to keep track of all of these people, we’re also jumping around from room to room on the run. We have no spatial reference for anything outside of our general knowledge of the ISS. It’s a bunch of empty descriptions mixed with people we don’t know, trying to do something we don’t understand.
The idea behind the scene is sound. Reese and Wernick want us to be pulled in by the mystery of, “what are these people trying to do that’s so important and causing such chaos?” That doesn’t work on the page though since we’re trying to keep up with who’s who and who’s where, and where is where.
The reason this will work onscreen though is because we’d be SEEING all of these things. We’d be SEEING the geography. We’d be SEEING the faces. So we’d be able to put together what was happening rather easily.
This is why writing for producers/directors/studios is different from writing for an unknown reader. The producer knows this scene is going to work onscreen (and it can also be explained to him in person). So you can write something complex without worrying if he’s going to get it. But if you’re sending a spec out to bottom-of-the-barrel tired-ass readers, they’ll throw your script down the second they don’t know what the hell room they’re in.
I guarantee you if Reese and Wernick were writing this as a general spec that had to work its way up through the system, they wouldn’t have started with this scene. Or if they did, they would’ve made it a lot simpler and easier to follow.
The other talking point here is just how similar Life is to “Alien.” They made one change though. They asked, “What would it be like if the Alien scenario REALLY HAPPENED to modern day humanity?” And that’s the premise behind this script. At first, you’re thinking to yourself, “Why should I care about this if it’s 10 times smaller than Alien?” We don’t get a giant monster in this. The thing always stays under the size of a car tire.
But Reese and Wernick use that against us. We underestimate this thing. So when it starts wreaking havoc, we’re pulled in under the table as opposed to on top of it. This allows the two to have more fun with the “attack” scenes, which are much more intricate. One of the highlights of the script is the first time the monster strikes. It’s in one of those glass boxes that have the empty glove inside so you can stick your hand in and manipulate the thing.
Unexpectedly, however, the monster grabs onto the astronaut’s hand and doesn’t let him go. After crushing the man’s hand, it then cleverly finds a way out of the box. That was the moment I was hooked.
I don’t know what the Alien people are going to think of this. But it’s just different enough to invite a fresh take on the “alien organism attacking humans in a contained station” situation. And also, it’s a riveting read.
[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[xx] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Drew Goddard (writer of The Martian) mentioned that you’re always writing scripts (or drafts of scripts) for different people, and you need to know who you’re writing for so you can target that person. If you’re writing to get an actor, you want to focus on giving that actor’s character a lot of great moments. If you’re writing for the production of the film, you’ll got more into detail about the sets and the logistical things that go on in action scenes. But as a spec writer, you’re writing for everyone. And that means you have to write the most entertaining easy-to-read story you can. So you wouldn’t start your script the way Life did here. You might put in a similar scene later, once we know the layout of the station and all the characters better. But since you’re trying to hook readers right away, you’d write an opening that’s a lot easier to grasp. Keep that in mind the next time you write a spec.
This is gonna be fun. We have a comedy favorite returning (which some argued should’ve been the script reviewed the first time it came around). And we also have a guy who’s clearly insane. But in the best way possible. I haven’t laughed that hard all week. I’ll save his submission for last. Read’em and vote for’em everyone!
Remember, you can submit your own script to challenge your peers by sending me an e-mail (carsonreeves3@gmail.com) with your TITLE, GENRE, LOGLINE, WHY YOU THINK IT DESERVES A SHOT, and a PDF of the screenplay. A good review tends to get writers some industry contacts. So who knows, maybe you’ll be the next “The Last Alchemist.” Keep’em coming!
Title: Hair of the Dog
Genre: Horror/Thriller
Logline: After a corpse turns up outside of his college dormitory, a meek Freshman gets sucked into the ensuing mystery by his female neighbor-turned-Nancy Drew and her promiscuous roommate.
Why You Should Read: I had a lot flowing through my mind when coming up with the script, Hair of the Dog – I wanted to write a horror movie but something closer to the slow-burn films I grew up on. I wanted to deliver a fresh take on some of the old monster movie cliches and set it in a contained, familiar environment that is horrifying in its own right – the first year of college. Hair of the Dog unfurls in a (hopefully) quick 102 pages. The script received some solid feedback before its latest draft, but I’d love to see how it fairs in the eyes of the ScriptShadow community. I hope you enjoy Hair of the Dog and any feedback would be tremendously appreciated.
Title: Tammi
Genre: Comedy
Logline: A young man from a strict religious family awakens from a head injury with the personality of a vulgar, slutty party girl.
Why You Should Read: Tammi was included in Amateur Offerings last year, and while it didn’t get picked, I received a lot of positive feedback and thoughtful comments from those that read it. I recently launched a Kickstarter campaign to make the film myself. In a little over three weeks, I’ve raised almost $20,000. I would love to get feedback on the updated draft from you and the SS community before we (potentially) head into production.
Title: House of Voodoo
Genre: Horror/Thrasher
Logline: A history professor and five students embark on a field trip to encounter the legendary voodoo curse of an abandoned slave plantation.
Why You Should Read: It’s been nearly 200 years after the Hamilton massacre. Professor Bennett, history guru and voodoo skeptic, bribes five students to accompany him to the abandoned Hamilton Plantation in effort to encounter the voodoo curse of Mahala, a beautiful slave girl. For the others, it’s an exciting adventure. For Alex, the only living Hamilton blood, it’s an opportunity to confront his nightmarish visions of Mahala. The curse reveals itself as the clan is brutally picked off one by one by a mysterious voodoo man.
Title: The Last Beast of Versailles
Genre: Action / Sci-Fi
Logline: In the most dangerous scavenger hunt in the world, a bitter huntress and a desperate competitor must work together in order to make it out alive, as they battle the most terrifying creatures of myth brought to life.
Why You Should Read: This is quite possibly like nothing you’ve read before. In fact, we have no idea what to compare this script to. I suppose if we had to pick, it’s something like Harry Potter meets The Hunger Games by way of Jurassic Park. It’s a completely different genre for us. Given that the Scriptshadow community is both awesome and various in its feedback, we thought it would be a perfect place to put this script out for critical analysis. It’s pacy and intense with some set pieces you’ve never seen before…but it also comes in under 100 pages!
And the last entry I’m keeping in its original format, since I believe it contributes to the beauty of the submission…
KEPLER 7
In 2150, three black market disease hunters must escape a strange, galactic game that exposes a much darker reality.
About me/wysr: I passed out drunk in a ditch and woke up with this script printed and bound 90’s-style in my hands. Beamed down from crazy aliens? Maybe. It didn’t have the right Acco Solid Brass Fasteners, though. They were 1 1/5th inch when EVERYONE knows it’s supposed to be 1 1/4th inch. So I then did that thing where I go into Staples and go “Hmm, this box of 1 1/4th Acco Brass Brads looks interesting…” (dumps a few on the floor) “…crap some dropped! I’ll pick ’em up…” (only picks two needed) “…nah, these aren’t the ones I need…” (flees crime, saves $3.99). And anyone who denies they’ve ever done the same thing has Kylie Jenner’s app on their phone.
Genre: Sci-Fi
Get Your Script Reviewed On Scriptshadow!: To submit your script for an Amateur Review, send in a PDF of your script, along with the title, genre, logline, and finally, something interesting about yourself and/or your script that you’d like us to post along with the script if reviewed. Use my submission address please: Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Remember that your script will be posted. If you’re nervous about the effects of a bad review, feel free to use an alias name and/or title. It’s a good idea to resubmit every couple of weeks so your submission stays near the top.
Genre: Biopic
Premise (from writer): Non-believers saw her as a heroic warrior crusading to enforce the separation of church and state, but to the believers she delighted in tormenting, she was the devil incarnate. This is the true story of the irreverent, at times poignant, and always controversial Madalyn Murray O’Hair.
Why You Should Read (from writer): I’m the writer of ScriptShadow’s #2 winner Pâtisserie, and after watching Trumbo recently, the acclaimed biopic on the Communist screenwriter starring former TV star Bryan Cranston, I dusted off this screenplay I wrote before Pâtisserie that can’t seem to get any traction. Is it the subject matter? The timing? The writing? The jackboot of religion keeping it down? :) I wrote Not a Prayer with another TV star, Roseanne Barr, in mind believing she’s due for a resurgence as a dramatic actress. She even expressed an interest, but nothing has come of it…so far.
Writer: Michael Whatling
Details: 117 pages
I’m going to be totally honest here. We’ve got a biopic. The featured subject matter is atheism. That is not the way I want to spend my Thursday night. And that might be my answer to Whatling’s Why You Should Read question right there. This is subject matter you force yourself to read. It’s not subject matter you get excited over. It’s like that film that just debuted at Sundance about that newswoman who committed suicide on the air. It was too dark and dreary for everyone.
The only thing that saves a script like this is if it’s great. I will pray for that (sorry, I had to). Because before opening a page here, this sounded like it could be a first class trip to Boredom Town.
Not a Prayer’s structure is a bit odd. We start out in 1995 watching a group of people hanging out at someone’s home (Madalyn’s?) discussing the possibility of getting some money. One of these people is an older Madalyn Murray O’Hair, who her caretaker, Robin, tells us, used to be the most hated woman in America.
We then cut back to Baltimore, 1960, when Madalyn was 41 years old. Madalyn finds out that her 14 year-old son, Bill, has to pledge his allegiance to God every morning at school, and freaks the hell out. How dare anyone make her son pray to God. The Constitution separates church and state and yet here the schools are, mixing them up together like some evangelical stew.
So she complains. And the school tells her to get lost. And then she complains louder. And soon the whole country learns about her crusade, and since in 1960, the U.S. was a lot more religious (except for Johnny Carson apparently), everyone spews their hatred at Madalyn and tells her she’s the devil.
This may have scared away most folks. Not Madalyn. Madalyn takes her message to the churches and the talk show circuit, appearing on The Tonight Show, and at any church show she can find. For some reason, religious types keep letting her on, mostly so they can call her the devil.
As the script continues, we jump back and forth to many time periods in Madalyn’s life, including the present, where that mysterious “hang out at Madalyn’s house” storyline patters along. It’s a strange part of the story, as we watch two people we don’t know, a man and a woman, move from room to room flirting a lot. I didn’t know what to make of it.
Eventually (spoiler alert), we realize that that present day (1995) storyline is chronicling a murder plot. It turns out that people wanted to steal Madalyn’s money, so they came to her place, killed her and her caretaker, and then stole a bunch of gold. It’s quite the fancy ending for a script that’s, essentially, a cradle-to-grave biopic.
You’ll have to excuse the vagaries of my plot synopsis. To be honest, my eyes were glazing over by the midpoint.
What I’ve found with these “disrupter” character movies, is that one of two things need to happen. One, we need to root for what they’re doing. Or two, if we’re not rooting for what they’re doing, we need to UNDERSTAND why they’re doing it. If we can see their position, we can appreciate and respect their plight.
I definitely wasn’t rooting for Madalyn in any way. First of all, she’s a bitch. She seems like one of those “shit-stirrer for no reason” people. And she was illogical. The level of hardship brought onto her family by this choice was disproportionate to what she was getting out of it. I mean if you don’t believe in God, just don’t say anything during the morning pledge. Who cares?
And as far as why she was doing this, I could never figure that out. What was it that made her this way? Especially since we were jumping back in time so much, why not include the moment that shaped Madalyn’s views on religion? Since that moment never came, Madalyn was always stick-thin to me. Someone who complains to complain. That’s not a compelling character.
Is there something here? Can this script be salvaged? I don’t think so. But if I were a studio executive assigned to help the script, this is how I’d go about it. Reshape the present-day storyline. I didn’t know what the hell was going on there. We follow two randos flirting for 2 hours and then OUT OF NOWHERE Madalyn gets murdered??? Why not start with the murder scene, which was supposedly brutal. Let’s see that Madalyn was murdered and now, instead of a traditional cradle-to-crave biopic, you have a bit of a murder-mystery. We’re trying to find out why Madalyn was killed and who killed her.
Then, you definitely need to explain why Madalyn has become the way she is. Who cares if she became friends with Larry Flynt? That’s the kind of stuff biopic writers get lost in. It’s all flash, no substance. You need to be exploring the core of your subject, and figuring out what made them the person they are.
Finally, I would find AT LEAST ONE sympathetic feature of this woman. Being a bitch to be a bitch. Yelling at everyone. Swearing all the time. “I’m right, you’re wrong.” There’s no sympathy for these things. This is an entire life you’re talking about. I’m sure Madalyn had a few nice qualities. Find the nicest, play it up, and now you have an audience who’s going to root for her a little bit.
This one wasn’t for me. The subject alienated me too much. I wish Michael the best though. I continue to think he’s a good writer. ☺
Screenplay Link: Not a Prayer
[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: When telling anyone about your script, I’m a strong believer that you DO NOT LET ON that it’s older. Don’t say any version of, “I wrote this before Blah Blah” or “I wrote this a long time ago.” And for God’s sake, do not mention “dusting” a script off. No dust in script mentioning, people. Hollywood has a huge aversion to “old.” All they want is the next new thing. So if you wrote your script a long time ago, that’s fine, but I’m giving you permission to lie. Promote it as brand new. You’ll get much more excited responses, I guarantee it.
Hey guys, I’m running around today so I don’t have time for a normal post. But I just wanted to remind everyone who’s struggling with this journey to keep at it. Keep writing. Keep getting better. Your time will come. Unless you’re new to this, I’m sure you’ve had that moment where you’ve wondered if you should give up. Well, here’s something that may make you reconsider that option.
There was an author who became so discouraged with writing that he gave it up, not writing a single word for five years. The thing is, he couldn’t get this one idea out of his head. At a certain point, he couldn’t keep it in any longer. So he broke out the typewriter. “I did not stop writing for a single day for 18 straight months, until I finished the book.” He wrote this book as the husband and father of a family, so he had plenty of excuses to use if he wanted to (“There’s no time!”) But he made that effort to write every single day. That manuscript turned out to be One Hundred Years of Solitude, which would go on to sell over 50 million copies worldwide.
Think about that. You may have the next One Hundred Years of Solitude in you but the world will never get a chance to see it because you gave up. Now that would be a real tragedy.
GET TO WRITING!
What the hell is “The Glut” and why don’t you want to get stuck in it?
Genre: Crime Thriller
Premise: An ex-Marine reluctantly joins the security detail for a pharmaceutical CEO on house arrest, only to find that the detail he’s working for has a sinister plan.
About: Today’s script comes from the writer of one of my favorite scripts ever, Source Code. Not long after Source Code, Ripley sold this script to New Regency. It hasn’t been made yet, which is part of today’s discussion!
Writer: Ben Ripley
Details: 111 pages – Sep 20, 2012 draft
One of the toughest things about the movie business is how many scripts get stuck in “The Glut.” All the big production companies have dozens of projects they’re trying to push through the system. They’re dependent on studios, which ALSO have tons of projects they’re trying to push through the system. The competition to get your film out of that glut and into Productionville is fierce.
Which begs the question: How do you become one of those films? Or maybe the better question is, what kinds of films have no chance of getting out of The Glut?
Getting a film greenlit and/or produced comes down to three things:
a) A major hook that the studio can market in a genre they know how to market.
b) A great role that attracts a big actor.
c) A unique and interesting film that would attract an A-list director.
If you have one of those three things, you’re in position to break out of the pack. And if you have two or three of those things? You’re in the pole position.
If your project doesn’t have any of those things though? That’s when you’ll find yourself in The Glut. Now does that mean your movie will never get made? No. Movies in The Glut get made all the time. But what’s important to understand is that, if you’re in The Glut, your movie is not going to do the work for you. YOU WILL HAVE TO DO THE WORK FOR THE MOVIE.
This is one of the biggest things I’ve learned since starting Scriptshadow. If you don’t possess one of the prime elements, the only way to get your movie made is through the passion of the people pushing it. If you have two or three people who ABSOLUTELY MUST SEE this movie get made and are willing to put years into making that happen? Then the movie will get made. Dallas Buyers Club is a great example of this. I suppose you could argue the film had a good role for an actor, but it was so unmarketable that it was a near impossible sell. But the people behind it loved it so much that they fought eight years to get it made. And they finally did.
This brings us back to the beginning. You have to ask yourself, “Do I want the movie to do the work for me? Or am I willing to do the work for the movie?” If you’re willing to do the work, write whatever the heck you want. A water diviner in 1930. If that sounds like misery to you like it does to me though, you have to hit one of those key areas, with the biggest emphasis being on marketability. This is a very unkind business if your movie can’t be marketed.
I bring all this up because I wanted to know why Empire hadn’t been made. Its writer was coming off of a solid hit with a big buzzed-about screenplay. Why was his new script getting stuck in The Glut? We’ll get into that in a moment. But first, let’s check out the plot.
Former marine Kyle Breuner is in that unenviable position of having to beg for a job. But he’s got a beautiful wife to support and bills on the horizon, so he accepts a security detail gig for a pharmaceutical giant on house arrest.
Nathan Boscov, our resident giant, recently developed an artificial blood that saved thousands of lives. The problem is, it also killed a couple hundred people. For that reason, the cocky Boscov is on trial, and the jury decides his fate tomorrow. In the meantime, Boscov is allowed to go home on house arrest at his swanky upscale high-rise apartment.
The detail making sure Boscov doesn’t bolt is run by the hard-as-nails Frank Roman and his second-in-command, Marquez. These two don’t have time for bullshit, so the job description for Kyle is to shut up and don’t cause any trouble. But almost immediately, Kyle senses something is wrong. On the way to Boscov’s building, he keeps seeing suspicious people, such as a man with dreadlocks who appears at multiple stops on the drive.
Roman senses Kyle’s unease and gives him a final warning. Stop PTSDing or you’re fired. Once at the building, suspicious things continue to happen, such as a late night window washer peering in (who washes windows at midnight??), an unmanned truck sitting across the street, and a chunk of one hundred dollar bills sneakily attached to the bottom of Boscov’s Chinese take-out.
But the clincher is when Kyle goes looking for Boscov’s cell phone, which he’s not supposed to have, and finds it hidden in the bathroom. But it turns out the phone isn’t Boscov’s. It’s Marquez’s. Why the freak is Marquez’s phone hidden in Boscov’s bathroom?? That’s when Kyle realizes what’s happening. This detail isn’t here to keep Boscov in. They’re here to break him out. So Kyle grabs Boscov and goes on the run.
Just when we think we have it all figured out, though, everything gets flipped sideways, and we realize we know nothing. This leads to a final act filled with twists and turns that keeps us guessing all the way until the very last page.
So let’s go back to that question. Why hasn’t Empire broken out of The Glut? There could be a lot of reasons for this that have nothing to do with today’s discussion. But usually a film’s viability to emerge from The Glut comes down to that magical triumverite: hook with a marketable genre, A-list worthy part, A-list worthy directing vehicle. Let’s see how Empire measures up in those areas.
1) Catchy hook in a marketable genre — Empire feels to me like an “on-the-brink” movie. It has a cool premise, but not an overtly exciting hook, like, say, Ripley’s Source Code. I’d say its main hook is its twists, and you can’t really market that. This means more time in The Glut.
2) Part an A-list actor would want to play – Kyle is a cool character, no doubt. I’m not sure he’s the kind of guy an A-lister would die to play though. He rests somewhere in between Tom Cruise’s Jack Reacher and the characters Paul Walker used to play in all those tweener crime thrillers. It’s right on the brink of where it needs to be, which means getting that actor is tougher, which means more time in The Glut.
3) A movie an A-list director would want to direct – Empire’s not unique enough for an A-list director to leap at. This feels more like something an up-and-coming director might want to make, and, unfortunately, it’s harder to get studios to approve these guys, which means more time in The Glut.
With all that said, this is a cool little script. The first 40 pages move you along with a clever combination of tension, dread, and mystery. We feel the tension of nobody wanting Kyle on the job, forcing him to decide whether to rock the boat or collect a check. The dread comes from the suspicious activity Kyle experiences on the way to and at the apartment. And finally, mystery. Who is the dreadlock guy? What is he up to? Why the hell would Marquez’s phone be hidden in Boscov’s bathroom?
Then, Ripley does his classic mid-point turn, where we find out everyone is against Kyle, and the tension is replaced with a fun twisty-turny narrative. You can’t go twist-crazy all the way through your script. The audience will get frustrated. Ripley wisely waits til that second half, and that’s when he hits you with an ever-changing storyline.
If there’s a problem with this script, it’s the stakes and the motivation. Boscov killed people accidentally (at least we think he does for 99% of the movie). So is he really that bad? I kept thinking throughout the script: this dude is a pretty tame villain.
Then there’s Kyle. If he’s got nothing on the line but the pay from this job, why isn’t he walking? There comes a moment in every script where you need to ask your hero, “What’s in this for you?” And if he doesn’t have a good answer? The motivation isn’t sound. Because who risks their lives for nothing?
Without getting into spoilers, some of these questions are answered later. But we need answers (or at least false answers) in the moment so we can go along with the story. And we don’t get those here. This is one of the unique challenges of writing a twist-heavy script where no one is who they seem. You need false answers, false explanations, false motivations. It’s tricky stuff.
But I continue to love Ben’s writing style. I like the way he keeps the story moving. I like the way he uses all the story tools available to him: mystery, suspense, tension, dread, twists. All that was great. What would probably help this script a lot is a bigger villain (a Mexican drug lord as opposed to a pharmaceutical CEO?). Not only would it up the stakes, but it offers you an opportunity to get a flashier actor for the role, which could push the needle closer towards that coveted “green light.”
[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Ben Ripley is a master of the time constraint. He built an entire movie out of it with Source Code. Here, he sets it up so that this is Boscov’s last day on house arrest before the jury verdict. Note how this movie DOES NOT WORK unless this time constraint is in place (3 days doesn’t work, 1 week doesn’t work, a month, no). The actions that drive the plot happen specifically because all the characters need to act before Boscov goes back to court tomorrow. That’s the power of a good time constraint.
