Genre: Sci-fi
Premise: A bitter truce has been reached after an alien invasion. Fueled by suspicions of an alien spy in their ranks, the United Nations entrusts an agent with finding the mole.
About: This one finished Top 20 on the 2015 Black List and comes from a British writer who recently wrote a film for Paul Verhoeven to direct, titled, “Elle.” It follows the CEO of a gaming software company who is attacked in her home by an unknown assailant.
Writer: David Birke
Details: 117 pages – February 2015 draft
After coming out of yet another meeting last week where it was stressed to me the need for more biopics and true stories, I’m at my wits end. I’m trying not to sour on the format. But I’m just so sick of it! How many lives do we have to watch before somebody gives us an original idea with original execution????
With that said, I had one of those a-ha moments on the drive home about why biopics have become such a huge deal. About 7-8 years ago, the ultra-franchise was born, bringing with it, if not the extinction of the star-driven film, then at least the destruction of its infrastructure.
In this new world, stars were going to have to find a new way to survive. I mean, shit, we’re in a world where a Will Smith movie is now lucky to bring in 30 million bucks. Enter the biopic. It is the genre that studios still need big actors for, as those actors are the only way to sell the movie. I mean let’s be honest. No one’s going to see Joy if it stars, say, Selena Gomez.
Actors realized quickly that this was their ticket to keep being stars and to get paaaaaa-aaaid. And so the 50 biopics a year era was born.
Am I mad about this? No. I can’t be. I have too many places asking me for the next great biopic screenplay and/or true story. So I will have to keep reading them. But when I don’t have to read them, I will fight the good fight. Read scripts that contain some element of being born inside an imagination. And when I read the logline for today’s script, that’s exactly what I saw. The only question is whether the execution would match it. Let’s find out.
The year is 2037. A War of the Worlds-like alien attack has occurred and the planet has somehow neutralized the alien threat, although now we have a bunch of aliens lingering around, still pushing their agenda. The only difference is that instead of doing so through giant ships that shoot lasers, they’re doing it through espionage, developing human-alien hybrids that look and act exactly like humans, then using them as spies.
This is where our hero, Martin Webber, comes into play. Webber works for the world equivalent of the CIA or MI-6, and is an agent dedicated to neutralizing the alien presence. His job has gotten a lot tougher, though, as word’s come down that one of these secret alien-humans has infiltrated the agency. Webber, due to his no-nonsense approach, is chosen to smoke this person out, a guy or gal who goes by the code name, “Morningstar.”
Strangely enough, Webber doesn’t seem to be in that much of a hurry. He likes to hang out with his hot neighbor, Mia, and get to those pesky job requirements whenever he’s feeling up to it. This results in a very relaxed investigation that begins to indicate our mole is a lot closer to Webber than he may have thought. In the end, we find that the truce between us and these aliens is a lot more complicated than we could’ve imagined.
As I’ve said plenty of times before, if you’re going to write a sci-fi movie, particularly an alien invasion sci-fi movie, you want to look for a fresh way to tell the story. It’s why I liked Story of Your Life. It’s why I liked District 9. And that tradition continues with today’s script, Morningstar.
It’s no easy challenge though. The reason people do it the easy way isn’t because that’s the way it’s always been done, but because that’s the way that includes the most dramatic tension. The act of aliens invading offers all sorts of dramatic possibilities. If you’re coming into the mix after that, you’re going to have a hard time finding a story as cool. I mean, what’s more high-stakes than an alien invasion?
A good example of this problem played out in the development of World War Z. That film was based on a book that took place after the zombie outbreak was over. The story was more about the political machinations involved in figuring out what went wrong and who was responsible.
They wrote a few drafts with that approach – one of which I reviewed on the site – and there was a big problem. It wasn’t that interesting. So in the end, they caved and moved the story back into the actual zombie outbreak, resulting in a much more dramatically compelling film.
Suffice it to say, Morningstar hasn’t figured out how to solve this problem either. But that’s just the beginning of the script’s problems. Everything here is over-described, with 8-10 line description paragraphs being the norm. Goals aren’t highlighted properly, leaving us to go 20 pages at a time not really sure what the characters are trying to do. And there’s a whole lot of talking instead of doing, which is one of the worst mistakes you can make writing a screenplay. The whole script has the distinctive feel of being that person at the party who will talk for 30 minutes and after you walk away you realize he didn’t actually say anything.
A lot of this could’ve been solved by instituting a more focused lens. And focus starts with your action description. A lot of writers hear that you’re supposed to keep your paragraphs to 4 lines or less in a screenplay and don’t see what the big deal is. I mean, is it really that difficult to read 8 lines instead of 4?
If it’s good writing, it’s certainly not as big of a deal. But the main reason that writing sparsely is so important, is because it forces you to think about what you want to say. If you have unlimited lines, you’ll babble til you get to the point. But if you have three, it’s a lot like a tweet. You have to think about what it is you want to say and be concise about it. And when you do that, your sentences are always more impactful.
If Birke could’ve done that and then extrapolated that approach to his entire writing process, giving the script more focus and thrust (honestly, there was ZERO URGENCY in this story), I’m sure I would’ve enjoyed it more. But right now, it’s too vague, not enough happens, characters talk about insignificant things for far too long, and, worst of all, it’s not fun. This is an alien movie and there isn’t a single bit of fun in it. Even the grandfather of serious sci-fi, Blade Runner, had fun.
So I was really bummed out about this one. It was a cool premise with a lot of opportunity but it’s just not there yet.
[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: I know this relates more to my intro than it does the script, but it’s worth noting that if you’re going to write a biopic, the number of entries into that genre has skyrocketed, which means the only way you’re going to stand out is if you do something unique. Cradle-to-grave biopics should be your last option. Think like Sorkin and what he did with Jobs. Try something different. As someone who’s been reading a lot of biopics for my contest, most of them are boring simply because they’re the exact same thing over and over again. Good luck!
Welcome to a special edition of Amateur Offerings I like to call, “Amateur Hofferings.” In Amateur Hofferings, we pay homage to the greatest actor-singer in Germany’s history, The Hoff. Today’s writers will try to honor the great one with an eclectic selection that includes an Almost Top 25er, a Western, one of the shortest WYSRs in SS history, and a consider from mega-agency UTA. Take a read yourselves and vote in the comments for which one you think should be reviewed on the site! And KITT, I’m going to need to get to the third floor of that building without an elevator. Have anything that can help me??
Title: Jimmy the Freak
Genre: Drama/Thriller/Science-Fiction
Logline: An ex-con and his mentally-handicapped (but psychic) friend are on the run from a ruthless mega-church pastor out to exploit Jimmy’s abilities.
Why You Should Read: My name is Mark Steensland. My screenplay, “Jakob’s Wife” just placed in the “almost” top 25 of your Scriptshadow 250 contest and I wanted you to see something else of mine. This screenplay (which a contest judge in London described as “’Rainman’ re-imagined by the Coen Brothers”) has won two competitions in the last six months and just made the semi-finals in the Table Read My Screenplay Park City contest. I am also an award-winning filmmaker (“Peekers,” “The Ugly File,” and “The Weeping Woman”), and a published author (“Behind the Bookcase” was released by Random House in 2012).
Title: Sundown
Genre: Black Comedy
Logline: A charismatic man with a psychological condition that causes him to change from normal and sane to violent and psychotic over the course of the day relates his life story to a psychiatrist…or does he?
Why You Should Read: Simple premise, complex character. Sundown features a unique and charismatic lead–a manipulative “psycho-half”–that a great actor will want to play. It is a thought-provoking, yet heartfelt coming of age tale filled with unforgettable characters, witty dialogue, an unconventional love story, and written with a distinct voice. — Sundown received a Consider for script, story, and writing from a reader at UTA via the Page Awards script coverage service. It also received high marks from a BlueCat reader, particularly in the areas of character and dialogue. I’m looking forward to receiving further feedback from the Scriptshadow community.
Title: The Last Alchemist
Genre: Period Fantasy/Adventure
Logline: After years of work, noted alchemist Isaac Newton has finally discovered a working formula for the legendary Philosopher’s Stone. But when it’s stolen by a secret society with nefarious intent, he’ll have to team with his arch-rival Robert Hooke to take it back and prevent a plot that would change the course of England’s history.
Why You Should Read: I’ve been lurking here for some time, reading your articles and the Amateur Friday submissions, and I figure it’s finally time to get in on this thing. My script puts many of your favorite elements front and center: a creative twist on a public domain figure, a clear goal, and high stakes that are tied directly to the main character’s hopes, dreams, and flaws. — Isaac Newton spent at least as much time on alchemy as he did on the work we remember him for, and this script lays out a “What If” scenario: what if Isaac Newton succeeded in his obsessive quest for the Philosopher’s Stone? I did my research and, using Newton’s actual beliefs and the urban legends of some of the smartest men who have ever lived, I’ve attempted to craft a big, fun romp of a movie. I want to know if I’ve succeeded.
Title: Avenge the Queen
Genre: Crime, Action, Thriller
Logline: A professional thief travels to Rio where he has to navigate through an underworld of sinister cops and barbaric gangsters to find those responsible for the murder of his estranged sister.
Why You Should Read: Because I spent eight months and a handful of drafts on this. I will never get that time back.
Title: CONSTITUTION
Genre: Western
Logline: An aging sheriff must return to the town he once protected to free it from the tyrannical reign of the current sheriff… his own son. UNFORGIVEN meets TOMBSTONE
Why You Should Read: There seems to be a resurgence of the Western genre as of late so I thought this would be the perfect time to see where mine stands: CONSTITUTION is a very fast paced and action packed Western with a sizable and unique cast of characters including a broken and conflicted protagonist, a deeply terrifying antagonist, and a series of disturbing surprises and revelations that build to an ultimate shocker of an ending. It’s also a story of love, trust, betrayal, great loss, courage, redemption, and the fine line that see rates a good man from a monster.
No amateur script to review means we’re going to see what a future Star Wars director is working on!
Genre: Sci-fi
Premise: When an older man uses a mysterious ancient device to go back in time hundreds of years, it’s up to his son and grandson to save him.
About: I LOVE Force Awakens. But I have to admit, if I read ONE MORE article about how it just broke some innocuous box office record, I am going to stab my eyeballs out with lightsaber crystals. However, since The Force Awakens is still the hottest flavor in the store, I’ve decided to review a script from the director of the NINTH installment of the franchise (after Rian Johnson does the EIGHTH), Colin Trevorrow. This was a project Trevorrow was working on right before he shot Safety Not Guaranteed, and I believe he still wants to make it. Since he’s finishing up an indie film now and will jump into Star Wars prep right after, I’m guessing we won’t get to see it until after Ep 9. Still, it’s always nice to get into the mind of a future Star Wars director!
Writer: Colin Trevorrow
Details: 110 pages – 3/18/2010 draft
The Colin Trevorrow ride has been almost as interesting as the Jurassic Park ride at Universal Studios. The man went from making a pretty decent debut indie film, to directing a new film in what was thought to be an extinct franchise, to unexpectedly turning that film into the biggest hit of the summer, to being informed by the internet that his directing and storytelling were bland, to a bafflingly low-key announcement that he would be directing the 9th Star Wars movie, to now going back to directing indie films.
One thing’s for sure. Hollywood loves Colin Trevorrow. Every industry titan (Spielberg, Zemeckis, Kennedy) who comes into contact with Trevorrow falls in love with him. He’s like the Ryan Reynolds of directors. And in this expedited “don’t have to prove yourself cause that would take too long” society we’ve created, we give the keys to these directors having ZERO idea if they’re capable of handling the job. I think that’s the biggest shock about Trevorrow’s rise. Despite him being the second hottest director in Hollywood (behind JJ, of course), we still don’t have a feel for what he’s capable of.
Today’s script should give us a little more insight. It starts off with a rather cool jaunt through time as famous scientists such as Galileo, Issac Newton, and Thomas Edison, all try to recreate a device Archimedes found called The Antikythera Mechanism. I think this is a real thing. And it’s said to be a very complex sun-dial like mechanism that may have been created by an ancient civilaziton even smarter than we are.
Cut to the present day and 68 year-old Solomon Grant now has the device. At this point in time, everyone thinks this thing is just some wonky clock. But Solomon thinks it’s more. And when some men try to steal the device from him, Solomon triggers the machine, sending him back in time 500 years.
Not long after, Solomon’s estranged son, Michael, a futurist, and Michael’s son, 15 year old Max, receive some message about Solomon missing. Keep in mind that nobody likes each other in this family. Michael doesn’t like Solomon. Solomon doesn’t like Michael. Michael does’t like Max. Max doesn’t like Michael. I think Solomon might like Max but I’m not sure.
When evidence points to Solomon communicating to Michael through diaries written 500 years ago, Michael must get over his skepticism and admit that his dad is a time-traveller. And when the nasty folks who tried to steal the device in the first place catch on that Michael may now know where to find it, they start chasing him and his son.
At a certain point we learn that, in order to keep the device from getting into the wrong hands, Solomon has spread the device out into four pieces and left a bunch of clues that only Michael and Max would be able to decipher. So father and son must put their differences aside to find the device and use it to bring their granddad back to the present who they don’t even like. The end.
This script is a big fat reminder of how difficult it is to write a good screenplay.
Look, from an objective point of view, there’s a lot of good here. We have a clear goal. We have lots of urgency. The stakes appear to be high. Trevorrow’s playing in a sandbox that’s been proven to work in Hollywood (The DaVinci Code, National Treasure).
He’s encased the key players in a family so that there are personal relationships that need to be fixed. We’ve got the strong female cop character who joins the journey as both a skeptic and someone they’re forced to work with, adding another layer of conflict within the group.
If you’re placing this script up on a USC black board, the professor could use it as a template for many of the things you want to do in a script.
So then why didn’t I like it?
Because it was The Da Vinci Code.
Sure, the God stuff was switched over to a sci-fi device, but it’s the same movie. Someone’s leaving someone a bunch of clues that are sending them all over Europe and they’re being chased. We’ve seen this already!
This is the eternal struggle a screenwriter must battle with. Using a formula that works, but changing it enough so that it feels fresh. Trevorrow doesn’t inject a single – and I mean not one – fresh variable into this equation.
And I’ve been here before. As a writer and as someone who’s watched other writers make the same mistake. In your mind, you love sci-fi. And you liked those chase movies. And technically the idea of this magical time travelling National Treasure type adventure hasn’t been done before. So you think, “That’s all I need to change. The McGuffin!”
But it isn’t. You have to create some unique character we haven’t seen before. You have to give us a handful of scenes we haven’t seen before. You have to deviate the plot once in awhile from that beat sheet of the similar movie that inspired you. Or else we’re ahead of you. If I’m ahead of you as the reader/viewer for more than three scenes, you’ve failed as a screenwriter. You’ve failed. You have. One of your jobs as a script writer is to predict what I, the viewer, think is going to happen next, and then give me something I’m not expecting instead. (see Wednesday’s review)
Now the keen lot of you may have been thinking to yourselves, “Wait a minute, Carson. Didn’t a movie just come out that’s going to be the biggest box office movie of all time that was basically the same movie as Star Wars? How does your theory hold up there?”
Here’s the difference. The Force Awakens had good characters, particularly its main character, who was one of the most likable characters of the decade. A derivative movie can survive, even end up being good, if it has characters we like and care for.
Stealing Time doesn’t have that to fall back on. Michael is just some corporate guy who has a problem with his dad for I don’t even know what reason. Because this is a movie, I guess (always have REASONS for character conflict – don’t just have conflict cause it’s a movie!!!). Nor do I understand why he and his son have an issue with each other. All the dynamics here appear to have been inserted because it fits into what Robert McKee says you should do (Robert McKee Robot: “Boooop, must include conflict-filled relationships.”) and not because the writer tried to get into the characters’ heads and understand them.
JJ, on the other hand, seemed to build his characters from the ground up. He wanted to know how they lived, how they struggled. That’s what people don’t understand. There have been complaints about Rey. Some people think she’s a Mary Sue or whatever. You have no idea what a bad character really feels like. I do because I read them all the time. A bad character is someone who’s forgettable. Who has nothing going on. Who has no presence outside of the beat sheet they were born from.
And for the record, the reason the original Star Wars is the most beloved movie of all time is because it’s an example of what happens when you do both – when you come up with something original, continue the original choices throughout the movie, and build them on top of great lovable characters. That’s the dream every screenwriter should be aiming for. Do both.
I will continue to shout this from the rooftops: If you are writing a scene, a character, or a plot beat, and it seems familiar? Like you’ve seen it somewhere before, likely in one of your favorite movies? Delete it and come up with something different. It’s the only way you’re going to write something that feels fresh.
I’ll finish by giving Trevorrow this. While that isn’t present here? It is present in his current indie project, The Book of Henry. I may not have liked that script, but one thing that script was was original. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for Time.
[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Be willing to move away from the original idea you started with if your script takes you somewhere more interesting. I couldn’t help but feel like Solomon being sent back in time to Galileo would’ve been a way more interesting movie than National Treasure 3. One of your jobs as a screenwriter is to never have a one-track mind. Always keep your mind open, ready to deviate if the deviation sounds more appealing. Ixnay to tunnel vision.
Many of you have been asking me, “Yo, Crackpot Carson, when the fly-handle are you going to be dunzoes with your freakin’ contest, homie! If I woulda known I’d be on welfare before I got my contest results, I wouldn’t have paid the ridiculous entry fee!” Well, maybe not in those words. More like normal-world words. I’m not sure anyone’s used the word “dunzoes” since 2003, and I’m pretty sure the last one to use it was me. But you get the point.
The good news is, I’m almost dunzoes picking the top 25. And I’m reading every free second I get. If I’m in the line at In and Out, I’m reading. If I’m driving on a relatively empty highway, I’m reading. If I’m on the treadmill because I ate too much In and Out, I’m reading. If I’m in the hospital because I got in a car accident, I’m having the nurse read to me (note to all: Do not ask nurses if a script has enough GSU. Apparently that means something very different in hospital-speak – p.s. I’m talking about ass-stuff). So while I can’t offer you a delicious helping of my special 25 sauce, I can give you 10 scripts that almost made the cut.
The reasons for why these scripts didn’t make the cut are varied. But the general assessment is that there have been no perfect scripts in the contest. So the scripts that have gotten through are ones that have had a lot more good than bad. These “almost” scripts are ones that maybe had 60-70% good, as opposed to the 80-90% required to make the finals.
What’s great about the below scripts, though, is that either they or the writer have potential. With guidance, who knows? Maybe we’ll even review some for Amateur Friday to get the writers some feedback.
As for the scripts that didn’t make today’s cut, the number 1 reason was lack of originality. It’s been one script after another with me going, “Already seen it.” I don’t get the sense that the writers are trying or that they understand the value of being unique in a medium that’s deluged with sameness. So, here are 10 Scriptshadow 250 “Almosts.” I’ll leave it up to the writers in the comments section on whether they want to post links to their scripts. Enjoy!
Title: Legendaria
Writer: Ben Baker
Genre: Fantasy, Family, Adventure
Logline: After being magically transported into the world of a fantasy role-playing game, a nerdy middle schooler and his friends must finish the game’s quest and defeat an evil sorcerer to get back home.
Notes: This was pretty good. Sweet, innocent, marketable, a Zathura-type premise. Kinda funny in a mainstream way. The only question is: Is it too simple? Does this writer have Harry Potter type imagination? Either way, it’s a super easy reading style and the kind of story that makes you feel good.
Title: The Value of Perception
Writer: Skye Lynch
Genre: Mystery/Heist
Logline: The sudden and mysterious death of her grandfather leads a young art historian to uncover the largest art heist in history. But in order to bring the thieves to justice, she must trust a man she barely knows and steal a painting from one of the most prestigious museums in the world.
Notes: The writing here is strong and this one started out with a head of steam, building a lot of mystery. However, once she actually gets into the investigation, things start getting a little repetitive and/or predictable. Stopped feeling fresh. That tends to happen a lot when you move into these investigative-type stories. You need to stray from the formula at some point since the blueprint is so familiar to the audience.
Title: Jakob’s Wife
Writer: Mark Steensland
Genre: Horror/Drama
Logline: In order to make his wife human again, an aging Episcopalian minister must hunt down and kill the vampire who bit her.
Notes: There is certainly something here, a sort of more-serious “Hobo with a Shotgun” vibe, mixed with a taste of Let the Right One In. My worry is that, “Is it too minimalist?” That could be. But the writer definitely writes with assuredness and seems to know what he’s doing. I just wish there was more going on.
Title: My Two Cents
Writer: Magnus Ronningen
Logline: When a grumpy, computer-illiterate, 85 year old widower accidentally becomes America’s most famous blogger, he must quickly learn to navigate the terrifying jungle of modern communication, or risk realizing his worst nightmare: being remembered as a joke.
Notes: This script has the second funniest scene I read in the contest. Without going into too much detail, an old man gets into an online fight with someone named “Cock,” then calls the guy out and says he wants to deal with this in person, like people used to. “Cock” agrees to meet at a San Francisco Park, where the Old Man charges around demanding “Cock” as loud as possible (“Sir, are you okay?” “I’m here for cock!”). It’s so juvenile and yet I couldn’t stop laughing. There are more of those laughs here. The problem with My Two Cents is it has ZERO STORY to speak of. As in I couldn’t locate a single plot thread. It was just this old man being confused with computers. Still, it was funny stuff.
Title: Ladybug
Writer: Alex Cope
Genre: High School / Monster Movie
Logline: An insecure teenager bitten by a strange bug finds that she is transforming into a giant insect and struggles to hide it from her friends and family.
Notes: This script’s heart is in the right place. And it achieves the necessary “weirdness” factor required to pull a Black List placement. I’m just not sure it’s firing on all cylinders. This is an ambitious premise and those require spot-on (no pun intended) execution. The whole time I was thinking, “This just isn’t reaching the execution level that the premise promises.” Still, it was good enough for me to remember in a sea of scripts. That shouldn’t be discounted.
Title: Intelligent Design
Writer: Brian Kazmarck
Genre: Gothic Horror/Sci-fi
Logline: A grisly vampire-like murder sends an NYC Detective in way over his head when he suspects that the culprit he’s after might actually be a real vampire.
Notes: This one has… something. Like most scripts here, though, it feels a little messy. Some writers seem to get lost in the details of their world. You’ve created a cool world. That’s great. But you need to tell the story. You need to move things along. This is a movie, not a novel. Writers always forget that. You don’t want readers giving up on your script cause they’re having to move through a molasses-level heap of description. With that said, this is a cool premise and I could totally see it being a movie with a leaner more “get-to-the-point” approach.
Title: A Wretch Like Me
Writer: Justin DiSandro
Logline: A horribly despicable selfish drug runner finds himself in a situation where he must help someone else. Will he?
Notes: The writer attempts to do something unique. Create the most unlikable character possible, place him in a situation where he must help someone, then attempt to change our perception of the man so that we’re rooting for him. This kind of thing has been done a few times before, but it’s really hard to get right. I admire that Justin committed to making this guy a total bastard. And I loved the simplicity of the story. But in the end it’s hard for me to change my mind about someone. And I disliked this character so much, I simply couldn’t come around in the end. With that said, Justin’s a writer to watch out for.
Title: The Operator
Writer: Huey Q. Pham
Genre: Action
Logline: After joining an elite counter terrorism unit in the CIA, a female Army combat veteran struggles to step out of the shadow of her deceased Navy Seal father while hunting a terrorist mastermind bent on avenging the death of his family.
Notes: One of the strongest female roles in the entire contest, and with female parts so big these days, that’s a smart choice by the writer. The problem is the same problem that plagues practically EVERY script I read with the acronym “CIA,” “DEA,” “FBI,” “NSA” or any other military acronym. They always devolve into generic story tropes. It’s so disappointing because the female character here was so good. My advice to writers going forward. If you’re going to write one of these movies, TRY TO BE ORIGINAL. We’ve seen every type of “man/woman with a gun” premise there is. What fresh element are you bringing to the table??
Title: Itchy Feet
Writer: Ian Bradley
Genre: Comedy
Logline: After a South African holiday goes hilariously wrong, two friends decide to make their way home to England – by driving up through the African continent.
Notes: This writer is really green. Script is 134 pages. Scenes go on for 3-4 beats longer than they should. But he’s got comedy dialogue down. It sucks that you can’t reward this because in addition to his knack for comedy, he’s given us a movie we’ve never seen before. How often does that happen? But this writer needs to learn how to focus his story (outline, only write the scenes you need, get into every scene late and out of every scene early) as well as get a few scripts under his belt. Potential is great but you need to learn the nuances of the craft before they’ll let you in the door.
Title: Hobgoblin
Writer: Bernard Kenney
Genre: Fantasy Action-Adventure
Logline: A dark retelling of the pagan, gnostic warlock Robin Goodfellow and his band of heathen Merry Men who fight against the onslaught of Christendom, in the form of the strong-arm of the Vatican’s Grand Inquisitor who aligns himself with the Sheriff of Nottingham.
Notes: This script lives on the edge between “same but different” and “too weird,” and honestly, I keep going back and forth between where it belongs. It’s got a really cool religious-nut villain. It’s got some fun set-piece scenes. And let’s not forget how much Hollywood loves these reimaginings. But the script feels too dense at times, too riddled with exposition. I kept feeling like the script needed to breathe and the writer was constricting it. Sometimes you have to move those eyes down the page faster. This is inventive and has potential, but wasn’t all the way there for me.
And there you have it. Congrats to all these writers. And I hope the notes I included help the writers in the next draft! ☺
A new Top 25 script enters the Scriptshadow Universe! Read on to find out how to make a simple premise Top 25 worthy.
Genre: Drama/Thriller
Premise: After a lawyer accidentally hits a man on his drive home, he tries to cover up the crime, only to realize there’s more to this man than meets the eye.
About: I have no idea where today’s screenwriters came from. All I know is that they’d previously made a couple of shorts, and then they write something that finishes on the Blood list then top 10 on the freaking Black List. That’s a life-changing moment right there. And what’s great about Bump is that it’s one of the only scripts in the top ten THAT’S ACTUALLY ORIGINAL and not another tired lazy biopic. Imagine that – writers writing original material and getting recognized for it! Seems like a dream from days past, like mint-chocolate chip ice cream. I expect this one to attach an awesome director and actors soon. Material is stronger than the bear in The Revanant.
Writers: Bump by Ori Guendelman (story by Ori Guendelman & Rob McClelland)
Details: 103 pages – 5/13/2015 draft
Good scripts. Boy are they hard to come by.
I’ve been reading a lot of scripts lately and the same thought always goes through my head. “How many more pages?” “How much longer?” I just want to get to the end.
Even with the good ones, I’m still checking, because I have a consult to do, more contest scripts to read, errands to run. I love what I do but I don’t want to be working til 2am.
That may sound strange to some but it’s the same thought process the majority of people reading your scripts are going through. It’s not that they’re set on hating your script or not giving you a chance. They’re simply human beings with responsibilities, work, family. The faster they can get their reading done, the sooner they can get to everything else in their day.
“Bump” is the first script I’ve read in a long time where I checked the page count and was UPSET that there were only 20 pages left. “This is going to end??” I thought? But so much is still happening! It can’t end so soon. Threads need to be tied up! There has to be something wrong. Maybe I got a faulty draft and 10 pages are missing or something! I was genuinely upset.
So what’s so great about this script? Read on to find out, you apostrophe jackals!
Thomas does not exist in an ideal cross-section of adjectives. He’s the wimpy lawyer who never stands up for himself. We meet him with his boss, Clint, explaining the importance of this “toughness” trait, and how the only way he’s going to make partner is if he starts showing some balls.
Little does Thomas know, his balls are about to be crash-tested Lexus commercial style. On the way home from the boss-dinner, a semi-drunk Thomas hits a homeless man trying to wave him down. The man is definitely dead-o.
Thomas makes the split-second decision (one of many) to throw him in the trunk, bring him home, and start dismembering him, in hopes of covering the incident up. BUT. (FIRST MAJOR SPOILER) While dismembering the man, Thomas finds a giant bag of meth in his stomach. That’s right, the man he hit is a mule. And not only that. There’s a BLACK BEEPING DEVICE TIED TO IT.
Realizing that whoever sent this mule can now figure out where he is, Thomas hurries away to dispose of both the man and the tracker. But wouldn’t you know it. That dent on his car from the hit-and-run gets him pulled over. And this is when shit really goes bad.
I’m not going to spoil the rest for you because the genius of this script is in the ways it keeps surprising you. But suffice it to say, a lot more people get involved, and little wimpy Thomas keeps getting away by the skin of his teeth. Will he make it all the way to the finish line? Bump is one of those rare scripts where you won’t know the answer to that question until the very last page.
There’s an old saying in the movie business. If you’ve got a dead body, you’ve got a movie.
And while that may seem like a throwaway line, it’s actually true. ESPECIALLY if you’re writing outside of one of the industry-friendly genres (Sci-Fi, Action, Adventure, Horror). Those genres bring with them automatic marketable elements. If you’re just writing about people, there aren’t many ways to make the script marketable without introducing a dead body.
However, the dead-body script – particularly the ‘hide the dead body’ script – tends to run into the same problem every time. It’s the same thing we talked about yesterday, in another “hide the dead body” script. We’ve seen dead body movies before. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO EXECUTE THE SUBJECT MATTER IN A FRESH WAY?
And really, that’s what all screenwriting comes down to. Every story’s been told. Since you’re re-telling them, if you don’t find a way to give us something different, there’s no point in even writing the script. Move on.
Bump achieves this feat in a couple of ways. Guendelman and McClelland RELENTLESSLY throw obstacles at their main character. They are ruthless. Whether it be an angry wife, a distraught best friend, a local cop, two state cops, a Terminator like assassin, a major drug kingpin, his even worse assistant. They aren’t afraid to hurl major obstacles at their hero every second of this screenplay.
Also, and this is the real key to Bump working – you know those moments as a writer where you’re like, “I can’t have John find out Amy is cheating on him here because then the story is over. Therefore I have to stretch the story out and have Amy find out later?” Whenever you do that –artificially extend things – readers know. We can tell you’re deliberately pushing back reveals and plot points because your story’s over otherwise.
These guys don’t do that. When you think, “Oh, the main character is totally going to talk his way out of this cop stop here, because it’s only 40 pages in and if this cop figures him out, then the story is over!” the cop DOES figure him out. And you’re sitting there going, “Well wait a minute, I’m not used to seeing that.”
And this is a very important point so pay attention. The majority of writers will play softball with their main character because it’s easier on them to write. Think about it. Let’s say you’re writing a serial killer script and the moment presents itself that they could catch the serial killer on page 30. What will you do? You will always pick the serial killer getting away. Because it’s easier on you. Now you can continue writing the familiar blueprint of them chasing the serial killer.
But what if they actually caught the serial killer on page 30? The thing you gain when you take that less-traveled path is a reader short-circuiting: “No. This does not compute. All writers write it this other way.” It’s like you snap them out of their auto-pilot mode and from that moment on, the reader respects you, and your script gains a new superpower in the process – the power of unpredictability. Once the reader knows you can do that once, they know you can do it again, which makes the read more exciting.
I’m not going to say that Bump did anything ridiculously different. But it definitely played out all its key moments in a slightly different manner than I’m used to. And let me be clear. That’s great. BUT IT’S NOT ENOUGH. Just doing it differently isn’t enough. I can have a UFO fall out of the sky and kill my serial killer and that would be “different,” but it would also be stupid. The trick – and the thing good writers do – is they not only make the unexpected choice, but THEY EXECUTE THAT CHOICE WELL.
And that’s what these two were so good at. I wish I could be more specific but the key moments I’m thinking of were twists and I don’t want to spoil those. I’d rather you read this and see it yourself. But the main point is: When you come to a familiar sequence – like a cop stopping your main character, who has a body in the trunk – the first question you need to ask yourself is, “How do I present this common scenario in a fresh way?
And you know what? You may not be able to. You may have to execute it in a normal way because that’s the way that works best for the movie. But AT LEAST YOU ASKED THE QUESTION. Bad screenwriters never ask the question, and that’s why their scripts are so derivative.
I’ll finish by emphasizing that point. Because a movie like Bump doesn’t have special effects. It doesn’t have super-high production value. It doesn’t operate in a genre that automatically pulls an audience in (horror, for example). All you have is your choices. Those are all you own to make your script stand out. So make sure you exploit that.
The harder you work, the more of a chance you’ll write a script like “Bump.”
[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[X] impressive (TOP 25!!!)
[ ] genius
What I learned: One trope that audiences love is good people being forced to do bad things. That’s always interesting because those are the people who will be most in conflict with themselves. Think about that. If a bad dude kills a man, he’s not in conflict with anything. He’s like, “Eh, another job finished.” But if a GOOD MAN does the same, his whole world is turned upside-down. Thomas is a good man. But to save his life, he needs to do a lot of bad things. And that’s what makes this so entertaining to read.
