If you’ve been pursuing screenwriting these past few years, chances are you’ve heard of Dan Fogelman. WHY should you have heard of Dan Fogelman? Only because for one stretch there in 2010, he sold two scripts and one pitch for a total of 7 million dollars. In other words, he is the embodiment of the screenwriting dream. It started with his 2.5 million dollar sale for Crazy, Stupid, Love, was followed by a 3 million dollar sale for Imagine (a movie he’ll make his directing debut on) and ended with a “Political Jerry Maguire” pitch that sold for 2 million. I’ve read almost all of Dan’s scripts, and as he says later in the interview, he has an amazing ability to write readable scripts. This weekend yet ANOTHER one of Dan’s scripts is being released, Last Vegas. He was cool enough to hop on the phone and answer a few questions I’ve had about that amazing stretch he had.
SS: Hi Dan, how are you?
DF: I’m doing well, thanks.
SS: Now I know you’re busy working on your first directorial effort, Imagine, so I thought I’d jump into the questions right away and maximize our time. There’s a lot I’d like to ask.
DF: That’s great. Works for me.
SS: Back in 2010, you had that amazing streak of spec sales. But before we go there, I was interested in how you got started. What was the first script you sold?
DF: My first script didn’t sell, but it did get me my agents. I was 26, maybe twelve years ago, decided I’d take a crack at screenwriting and had a buddy who actually now runs my company… I wrote a script, like a Wonder Years style script about my bar mitzvah, figured a Jewish agent would read it and identify with it and yeah, that was basically the plot. So I bought myself Final Draft. I had never studied screenwriting or anything and wrote it and handed it to my buddy and had no idea if it was any good. I thought I’d pass it on to a few people and it all happened very quickly. He had a manager at his company who’s now a gigantic manager and my manager to this day and she read it and all of a sudden I had agents and everything just started from there. The script never sold. But it got me my first job, which was at Pixar.
SS: You were able to get into the industry off your FIRST written screenplay??
DF: Yeah, I was very lucky. I got very lucky.
SS: Wow, that’s amazing. Now when you look back at the script now, how do you feel about it? Do you feel it was up to snuff?
DF: I haven’t looked at it in a long time – I really loved it and I’ve taken elements from it and it was very VO heavy, very “Daniel Stern,” looking back on his childhood. I’ve taken a lot of characters and used them for a lot of TV shows or elements for funny scenes. I think it probably holds up. I once had a meeting with Hans Zimmerman about it, to produce it, and I remember he had a very heavy German accent and he said, “It’s very funny script, I’ve always thought the Jews were so funny.”
SS: That sounds like Hans. Now regarding getting that job at Pixar. That was writing the Cars movie, right? That must’ve been a HUGE deal. I mean, the bigger production companies rarely hand out assignment work to anyone who isn’t super-proven. What did you say in that room to get that job? What was your pitch?
DF: I believe a bunch of up-and-coming writers were up to do it. It was more Pixar’s model at the time – and they may still do this – they bring in writers who can shape and reshape the story over a long period of time, as opposed to paying a ton of money for a big writer. That might’ve been why I got the job. You go up there and you don’t know anything about the film so it’s not like I was going in there to pitch a take – They just said it needed to be a movie about cars and that’s kind of all I knew – cars that ‘come to life.’ So they put you in a room where John Lasseter and others were and I benefited from not knowing anything about the business, I was relaxed, so I kinda bullshit it for half an hour. And I got home and they called and said ‘We want to offer you a job where, for 2 weeks, you move up to San Francisco.” 2 weeks eventually became 2 months and, in the end, I stayed there for a year and a half. I got along with everyone. It was a real starting point for my career. John Lasseter, he’s an amazing guy. He was a real mentor to me – having never studied screenwriting or film, it was like going to college for a year.
SS: Flash-forward a bit, and you start selling all these spec scripts. All for a lot of money. I remember it was a really big moment in the screenwriting community because it allowed writers to dream about that huge sale again. What do you think was the reason for those scripts selling for so much? Did you learn anything from that or know why it happened?
DF: What I learned was that, I work best as a spec writer. I’m not gonna do a book adaptation or if someone comes to you with an idea or an actor – taking that risk of writing something someone might not want after spending all that time on it. Crazy Stupid Love was kind of a game changer for me. At the time I’d written these scripts that were taking so much time to get through the system (The Guilt Trip and Last Vegas), and they just weren’t coming together- the scripts were there, people liked them, but they weren’t moving. And so I decided to go out and write something without any obligations, something where I didn’t have to please anyone, and that was Crazy Stupid Love. I wrote it very quickly. I have a little cabin up in Joshua Tree and I wrote it very quickly and I sent it to my agent and manager and said, “Here, I wrote this on spec and I think it’s good” and here I was, half-picturing Steve Carell in the lead and within a week my agent had gotten it to Steve Carell, who, as fate had it, wanted to do this exact kind of movie next. So he wanted to come onto it and help produce it and so they bought it and we were literally shooting the movie months after. It never happens like that. It had the right people – that was an anomaly how it happened, all of it. But Steve’s attachment was obviously the main reason why the script sold for so much. And then when that happened, my other projects started moving through the system a lot faster.
SS: Okay, so when you move into a script like Last Vegas, obviously The Hangover did well and this puts a new spin on the Vegas trip – do you ever think about marketing when you write a script or do you just write what you love?
DF: The thing is, I wrote Last Vegas before The Hangover, and while I was writing it, The Hangover came out and I actually thought, ‘Oh this’ll never get made now.’ It takes movies so long to get made that it’s the nature of the beast that you’ll write a movie, it doesn’t get made right away, something similar gets made in the meantime, then your movie comes out, and it looks like you wrote it because of this other movie. That’s one of the crazy things about the business.
SS: Okay, last question. And I’m asking this one for the readers of the site. Pretend you’re 15 years younger and were still an amateur screenwriter. You have what you consider to be a good script. How would you go about trying to sell it?
DF: Ooh, that’s a good question. I mean, on my iPad right now are 17,000 emails from friends, family friends, all of who have screenplays they’d like me to read. My advice is – and this is going to sound bad – but my advice is, “I wouldn’t want to do this.” I tell them if you’ve got something else in your life, something that you like just as much as screenwriting, I would choose that over screenwriting. It’s a brutal existence, and it’s so rare that it pays off. But, if people come back after that and say, “No, screenwriting is the only thing I wanna do,” and they have a script, I usually say, “You just gotta bombard people.” I mean the truth is, there are SO many scripts out there. You know this as well as anyone. And anyone can get a computer and buy Final Draft. More people think they can be a screenwriter or a writer than think they can be a professional baseball player. And you can tell by 5 pages whether it’s going to work or not – and you get emails about the premise and how it’s nothing that’s ever been seen before, but 9 times out of 10, your first script isn’t going to sell. But if you can work at it and get good and write something that really connects with people, you can start a career. I mean I don’t know if I’m good, or great, but I have a weird ability to write readable scripts. I don’t know if that makes me a genius, but it’s a skill. You gotta work hard and develop that skill and then, when you have something worthy, you have to bombard the world with it.
Having said that, it’s important to know that everyone’s story of how they made it is different. I haven’t met anyone who’s come into this the exact same way. So as long as you continue to get better at this skill and look for opportunities to break in, the hope is that sooner or later, you’ll be successful.
SS: Alright, Dan. Thank you for taking some time to help out Scriptshadow Nation. Good luck this weekend with Last Vegas and good luck with finishing Imagine.
DF: Thank you, Carson. I enjoyed it.
Post-interview thoughts: Wow! Dan broke through on his VERY FIRST SCRIPT. And here I’m always telling you that that can’t be done. I suppose we can add one more member to the exception list. Also fascinating to hear that Pixar likes to bring in inexperienced writers (who have potential) to write their movies. For a studio known as having the best-written movies in the business, there’s gotta be a lesson there. I know one thing I keep hearing a lot is that producers love young hungry writers because they’ll work like crazy for them. They’ll write a hundred drafts if they need to. Whereas older established writers come with big quotes and a lot more attitude. So maybe that plays into it. Anyway, it was a blast to talk to Dan and get at least a little bit of insight into how those big sales come together. I wish I had more time to really get into the details of all that but I hear directing a film takes a lot of time so I guess I’ll let Dan off the hook. And of course, go see Last Vegas!!!☺
Genre: Thriller/Horror/Supernatural
Premise: An American doctor in the Congo must join a United Nations military unit to investigate a series of strange killings in the jungle.
About: Well, it’s Halloween, so what better script to review than the number 1 script on the 2010 Blood List! The Blood List is an offshoot of the Black List (unaffiliated) that ranks the best Horror scripts of the year. The pickings can be a bit spotty at times so even the top-ranked scripts can be suspect. The author of the script, David Portlock, has been at this for a long time (he wrote a produced short all the way back in 1996) but is yet to break through and get that coveted feature credit we all dream about.
Writer: David Portlock
Details: 109 pages – “August Draft” – 2010
If you’re anything like me, you’ve spent at least 10 hours this weekend looking for the perfect candy bag for trick-or-treat Thursday. I’ve settled on a 10 gallon white kitchen bag but that may change between today and tomorrow. That 20 gallon black Hefty is looking awfully tempting. Now when it comes to trick-or-treating, I’m a traditionalist. I believe that if someone doesn’t give you a treat, you HAVE to trick. So I’m currently amassing a list of tricks I’m going to play on people. Let’s just say Halloween’s going to be egggg-celent (get it? Eggs? Cause I’m going to use them on houses!).
You’re probably curious what I’m going to be for Halloween. Well, due to the line of work I’m in, it’s down to either a title page or a parenthetical. So if you’re in Hollywood Thursday and see two giant parentheses walking around with the word “sarcastic” in between them, chances are it’s probably me. Come say hi, but only if you’re a parenthetical yourself.
Oh yeah, Dark Continent. So let me tell you why I picked this script. I’m tired of seeing the saaaame horror scripts over and over again. Haunted houses. Zombies infest a town. A masked killer takes over a community. Found footage. When you read, you’re always looking for something different. Because if someone can give you a new concept or a new spin on an old concept, chances are the choices WITHIN the script will be different as well. Weird creatures (possibly zombies?) in Darfur? I’ve never seen that before. When coupled with the script already being endorsed in another arena, I was in.
Dark Continent reels you in right away. We’re in the Congo. Sudanese soldiers have snagged a poor, unsuspecting girl and are about to rape her when someone (something?) comes out of nowhere and obliterates the would-be rapist, killing him and his soldier buddies as well. We don’t get a good look at the guy but it’s safe to say he’s a freak of nature.
Across the way, an American doctor named Anne Langly is trying her best to keep a local village healthy on a steady diet of band-aids and cough drops. And you thought Obamacare was bad. In between angry phone calls to the United Nations for more medical supplies, Langly hangs out with the senior doctor in the region, an old, wise French woman named Mama Piquot.
That is until Mama Piquot disappears. Coupled with a rash of killings in the area, the UN sends in some soldiers to check out what’s going on. Anne cons her way into the group so she can find her friend and they all head into the jungle. There they encounter even more killings (sometimes entire villages!) and get glimpses of who’s doing the killings: Super-human Africans.
These men can leap up to 30 feet in the air, have the strength of 100 men, and are smart enough to beat any pop quiz you throw at them. But how is this happening? What’s (or who’s) creating these super-humans? They’ll have to figure it out fast because if they don’t find a weakness or a way to take these mega-humans down, they’re probably not making it out of this jungle alive.
Okay, so one thing’s clear. Portlock really likes his 80s movies! “Dark Continent” is essentially a cross between Predator and Aliens, with a Congo’ian twist! We even have the strong female protagonist leading the charge. Ah, but Dark Continent failed to do exactly what I was assured it would – make unique choices. Everything here goes exactly the way these stories always do, and that made me script-sad. It made me change my parenthetical costume to “(disappointed)”.
What killed it for me was the “super humans who are being tested on” plot reveal. The reason I hate this plot choice is because it’s the plot choice of 70% of the video games on the market. Secret testing creates super-human monsters or people, and our characters have to kill them all. With video games being the bottom of the barrel in terms of writing, it’s wise not to get inspired by their writing. There will always be exceptions, but this is a rule I’m pretty confident you should stick by.
Another thing I couldn’t get on board with was the “villain by number” approach. There wasn’t a specific villain here. No Jason Voorhes, no Jaws shark, no Predator, no Queen Alien. Just a bunch of vague, scary warriors. Without specificity, we never have anyone to root against. I mean, that’s why Predator was so cool. He was a single badass alien hunter. We knew who he was, formed an opinion on him, and wanted to see him go down. It’s hard to form an opinion on a group of vague superhuman baddies. It’s too general. And like I always say, “general” is bad in screenwriting. You always want to be specific.
Also, the more of these “kidnapping” scripts I read, the more I’m realizing that unless the person kidnapped is a child or a young woman, we don’t care whether our hero saves them. A man? We don’t care. An old person? We don’t care. And in this case, it’s Mama Piquot’s kidnapping that inspires Anne to join the chase. I know it’s harsh. I know what I’m saying is cruel. But I don’t care if an old person gets taken. I just don’t. They lived a full life. They’ve contributed to the world what they’re going to contribute. In movies, it’s just hard to root for kidnapped seniors. I’d love to be proven wrong here. Can you guys think of any “kidnapping” movie where the person taken is either a man or an older person and the story still works? Cause I can’t.
In the end, though, the reason Dark Continent doesn’t pop is because the execution was too bland. I’ve said this so many times on the site but if I’m 30 pages ahead of the story (in other words, I have a general idea of where the story is going up to 30 pages in advance), I’m bored. As a writer, it’s your job to play with expectations. It’s your job to lure readers into your trap. Make them think they know where the story’s going, then pull the rug out from under them. I didn’t get that here, not even once. And even worse, when the mysteries were solved, the answers were too cliché (super-humans who were being tested on – I kid you not, I read a script last night with this same plot point – that’s never good, when you use a plot point that could be in the very next script your reader reads).
Dark Continent has some near-perfect spec WRITING. Every line here feels and sounds like a pro script. So I can see why it was considered better than many of its competitors that year. It was the storytelling that was too bland. Bland storytelling is every writer’s worst enemy, which is why we should all strive to take chances when we write. I think Portlock has the ability to turn this into something cool. It’s just a matter of challenging himself more. Not going with the easy “been-there, done-that” choices.
[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: If you’re not trying to surprise your reader when you write, you’re not doing your job.
I was one of those troubled souls who loved Braveheart so much that I actually memorized the famous battle speech and recited it, in full character, wherever I could. Needless to say, I was kicked out of my fair share of establishments. The thing is, I saw Braveheart before I got into this whole screenwriting thing, and I’ve always wanted to go back and break it down with all the newfound knowledge I’ve accumulated. I must admit I’m bit intimidated by the “epic” screenplay though, because you can’t structure 180 page scripts the same way you do 110 page scripts. To me, getting someone to WANT to read a full 180 pages is the biggest feat you can achieve as a screenwriter. 95% of the scripts I read can’t keep me interested past page 5. So I’m always fascinated by the writers who pull this off. Speaking of, Randall Wallace, who got an Oscar nomination for this screenplay (the movie itself won the Oscar for best picture) has been M.I.A. for the last dozen years. The last thing he wrote was We Are Soldiers. I’m fascinated and a bit terrified by this. How do screenwriters go from the top of the heap to the bottom of the barrel so quickly??? I mean, this is a great script!
1) Let us see what shaped your character’s life in an epic – I realized with Braveheart how effective it was to actually SEE what shaped our character. We watch as William Wallace loses his father to the English, then later as his wife is murdered by the English. Because we were there when it happened, we root for Wallace more than had those experiences been mere backstory. In a typical 2 hour film, you don’t always have time to show these memories. But in an epic, the option is there.
2) Epics and Sequences – I realized the key to structuring epics is they need sequences. That means constructing a series of 15 page “mini-stories,” each with a specific purpose, that span the entire script. So in the first sequence of Braveheart, it’s about a young child’s dad dying. In the second, it’s about William Wallace courting a girl. The third is Wallace getting revenge for his wife’s murder. The fourth is Wallace’s rise. As long as each sequence is focused on a specific thing, your script should never wander, no matter how long it gets.
3) Think of “sequences” as a to-do list – When you think about your huge day and all the things you need to accomplish, it feels impossible. But when you break it down into specific tasks and focus on one at a time, it’s all of a sudden manageable. Approach your epic (or any script) the same way. As an entire story, it’s big and intimidating. But once you break it down into smaller chunks (sequences), it all of a sudden feels doable.
4) Make each battle unique – What really separates Braveheart from a lot of epics is how original and well thought-out each battle was. The first battle is an impromptu attack on the men who killed Wallace’s wife. The next, the Scottish sneak into a castle pretending to be English soldiers. The next is the big battle, where they use a surprise anti-horse stake attack as well as flanking the enemy with their own horses. The next, they storm York with brute force. The next, the Irish surprisingly switch sides mid-battle and join the Scottish. When I read boring period pieces, they tend to involve boring, unimaginative battles that all feel similar. Try to put just as much thought into each battle as you would your story. Be different, take chances, find a cool angle.
5) Know when to take your time and when to speed up – Part of screenwriting is knowing when to take things slow and when to move it along. Mel Gibson and writer Randall Wallace had a disagreement about the revenge scene (the one that takes place after Wallace’s wife is killed). In Randall’s version, Wallace storms into the town like a bat on fire. Gibson’s version, which made the film, took it way slower, with Wallace coming in quietly. Without question, Gibson’s version was the better choice. And the reason slow worked was because the revenge we wanted was so potent. We were willing to wait for it. Had Wallace been avenging something less personal, such as the slaughter of a bunch of nameless characters, going in faster may have been the better choice.
6) Use a personal relationship to villain-ize your villain – Most villains are general and boring. They scream out cliché “villain-y” things like, “Take them down!” and “We must crush them!” Since these phrases are so general, they don’t individualize the villain. Instead, look for a personal relationship to place your villain in so you can explore his evilness on an up-close level. In Braveheart, we get this with King Longshanks and his homosexual son, with whom he spends the entire story berating and abusing. Because we’re exposed to the villainy on an up-close and personal level (at one point Longshanks even kills his son’s boyfriend), it’s specific, and therefore makes the villain feel REAL.
7) The power of reversals – Braveheart is built on reversals, using them wonderfully. There are so many times in this movie where we expect one thing, but get another. We think Wallace will save his wife when her throat is about to be slit. Instead, she’s killed. He comes in afterwards, looking like he’s surrendering. He attacks instead. Two men join his party later, one crazy and unpredictable, the other straightforward and dependable. When the three go hunting, it is the “good” one who tries to kill Wallace and the “bad” one who saves his life. In the second big battle, the Irish are on the English’s side. As they attack, they stop and join the Scottish instead. Later in the battle, Wallace calls in the cavalry, as is part of the plan. They walk away instead, double-crossing him. Braveheart is so fun because it’s always reversing something.
8) Epics need epic motivation – Remember, you’re asking your reader to stick around for 60 more minutes than normal. That’s only going to work if you have a main character who’s so compelling that we’re willing to follow him forever. You do this by giving him an EPIC motivation. We watch Wallace lose his father and then later the love of his life. That right there is epic motivation. Of course we want to stick around until he defeats the English.
9) If possible, give your hero a big picture AND little picture goal – Characters work best when they have two reasons for going after their goal, one overarching, the other more personal. So here, Wallace is fighting for the freedom of his country (overarching). But he’s also fighting for revenge (personal).
10) How do you write a great speech!? – I came into this script wanting to know why the Braveheart speech was so amazing, while almost every other movie speech I’ve seen since has paled in comparison. Here’s what I learned. First, there’s humor! Wallace starts out by making some jokes to his soldiers. It lightens the mood and is a little unexpected (which is always good). Second, there’s interaction! The soldiers challenge him, breaking up his speech so it’s not so scripted. Third, there’s a point! He’s not just trying to rile people up. He needs to CONVINCE this army to fight for him. In fact, you can break this entire speech down into GSU. Goal – get them to fight for him. Stakes – England will take over Scotland if he doesn’t succeed. Urgency – He needs to do it RIGHT NOW. The battle is about to begin!
Genre: Drama/Thriller
Premise: (from IMDB) A lawyer finds himself in over his head when he gets involved in drug trafficking.
About: Okay, so here’s the deal. Famed author Cormac McCarthy (The Road, No Country For Old Men) sold his first spec script last year, The Counselor. The movie quickly mobilized with Ridley Scott directing, Michael Fassbender playing the lead, and lots of other stars playing the supporting parts (Javier Barden, Brad Pitt, Cameron Diaz, Penelope Cruz). Now I didn’t know this, but apparently Cormac McCarthy is a huge movie buff and wrote a bunch of screenplays before this (you wouldn’t know it by looking at the script, which is a cross between a treatment, a play, and notes scrawled on a napkin). He needed a break from writing novels so I guess he banged this out in a few weeks. You can actually read more about McCarthy’s exploits into screenwriting in this Wall Street Journal article (where Scriptshadow is mentioned – yeah!). Anyway, the film debuted this weekend to a disappointing 8 million bucks. Critics didn’t like it either (it’s currently at 35% on Rotten Tomatoes). Let’s see if we can figure out what went wrong!
Writer: Cormac McCarthy
Details: movie was 117 minutes. Script is 115 pages.
Cormac McCarthy has been hit with the same criticism over and over again this weekend regarding his film, The Counselor: Nobody knows what the hell is going on in the movie. That is definitely an issue that needed to be solved at the script stage. However, Ridley Scott and Fox weren’t about to tell a Pulitzer-prize winner how to write. So when he turned in his script, they were pretty much shooting what was on the page.
And that’s too bad, cause even though this script is such a mess, it could’ve been fixed with some guidance and some development. I mean, people ask why projects get stuck in development so long. It’s because when they don’t, they end up like this. A script that has some good ideas in it, but which is anything but a finished product. I mean I can tell you one thing RIGHT NOW that would’ve made this script infinitely better. Something that most amateur screenwriters (which McCarthy definitely is) don’t know. I’ll get to that in a bit, but first, let’s deal with the “plot.”
So we got this guy, The Counselor. I guess that makes him a lawyer of some sort. The Counselor is really good friends with a dude with wild hair named Reiner. Reiner hangs out with a vamped up Cameron Diaz (Malkina), whose favorite past time is watching her cheetahs hunt down rabbits in an open field. It’s unclear where all of these characters live. It’s either in Mexico or in a U.S. state close to Mexico.
Anyway, the Counselor has a really long unclear conversation with Reiner about something he’s going to do. It’s not clear what that is, nor is it clear if it’s supposed to be unclear what that is. But the Counselor seems nervous about it. The Counselor zips around the city after this chat, ending up at a diamond place. Okay, maybe that hush-hush conversation was about the diamond trade? Maybe the Counselor is trying to steal diamonds?
No! He’s actually getting a diamond ring to propose to his girlfriend. Yay! The Counselor continues to jet around the city, eventually meeting up with Brad Pitt, who warns him away from this terrible thing he’s planning to do (even though we still don’t know what that is). He then visits a mother in jail who wants the Counselor to free her son, who’s in jail on a motorcycle speeding ticket. (?????)
After a few more talks with Reiner, we watch some dude on a motorcycle get decapitated via a metal wire on a highway. Ah-ha! I remember Mother Jail Chick talking about her son the motorcycler so I’m assuming this is the same guy. The man who decapitates Motorcycle Dude then takes something that was inside his helmet. But what!? (no really, what? can’t anything be clear here??)
Brad Pitt then calls The Counselor and says, “Dude. Baaaaad news. We’re all fucked!” Now up until this point, Brad Pitt was presented as a friendly mentor who had no connection to whatever The Counselor was doing. So I don’t know why he’s, all of a sudden, in trouble. But it’s enough to freak The Counselor out, who runs over to Reiner’s place and says, “Yo, we’re screwed!” Except we’re still not sure what’s going on or why anyone’s screwed.
Oh wait! The people who decapitated Motorcycle Dude are going to get a truck. I need to make some assumptions here because this movie is so vague about what’s going on, I really have no other choice. It APPEARS to me that the Counselor has gone in on a huge drug deal. It just so happened that the Motorcycle Dude he released for Mother Jail Chick was some sort of courier for the bad guys who dealt these drugs. When that Courier was killed, he had a message on him for where the drugs were (the truck!). This allowed this third party to steal the truck (and hence the drugs).
Of course, since The Counselor is responsible for releasing the motorcycle guy in the first place, the Mexican drug cartel who made a deal with The Counselor believes he’s orchestrating some sly double-cross move where he kills Motorcycle Dude and takes the drugs himself. For that reason, they order a hit on him, which is why he, Reiner and Brad Pitt have to scatter. That, my friends, is the best I can do on the plot for The Counselor.
Okay, so how bad is this script? Pretty bad. It certainly does feel like it was written in three weeks. Nothing is really connected. Everything feels thrown together. This is not something McCarthy put very much effort into – and it shows. It reads like a what’s what on amateur screenwriting mistakes. Let’s look at some of these mistakes, shall we?
MISTAKE 1 – Establish your main character.
McCarthy never showed us the Counselor in his natural habitat. Therefore we never really knew what he was or what he did. Sure, he’s called “the Counselor,” but in movies we need to SEE things in action for them to really stick. We needed to SEE this guy in court. This contributed to a good deal of the confusion in the film. Since we never knew what he did, we never knew what he was doing. I couldn’t tell if he was visiting all these people for his job (whatever that was) or for something else entirely.
MISTAKE 2 – Your main character should not be the least important character in the script.
Ouch, you learn this in Screenwriting 101. Don’t make your main character uninteresting. And now that I think about it, this is a classic novelist mistake. See in novels, you get to tell us what the main character is thinking. You don’t get to do that in screenwriting. The only way for us to know what a character is thinking is if he says it or he does it. And novelists will wrongly assume that because THEY know all these deep thoughts going on inside their main character’s head, that it’ll somehow ooze out as they speak or act. WRONG. You need to give us some quirks, some problems, some personality – anything to BRING THIS CHARACTER TO LIFE. It was painful watching Fassbender after awhile because his character was sooooo boring. And audiences don’t care about boring people. They want their main characters to be interesting!
MISTAKE 3 – Keep the philosophizing to a none-imum.
Granted Cormac McCarthy’s monologuing philosophizing characters who drone on about women, the world, death, grief, and happiness are going to be a little more interesting than Screenwriting John’s, who just wrote his first screenplay last night. But that doesn’t matter. It’s never about how interesting or uninteresting a philosophy-based monologue is. It’s the fact that when characters start philosophizing, IT STOPS YOUR STORY COLD. Everything is put on hold so we can hear some random Mexican bartender explain that grief is a bad thing. Okay, WHO THE F*CK CARES? We don’t care. We just want to see a good story. And because your character can’t shut up, we’re not able to do that. There were something like a dozen philosophy-laden monologues in this script. I would advise never going above zero.
MISTAKE 4 – Don’t include unneeded characters.
Can someone tell me what the HELL Brad Pitt was doing in this movie???? He seemed to be a sort of mentor? A friend who gave our main character advice? Um, okay, here’s some screenwriting advice. If you can take a character out of your screenplay, and nothing about the story changes, you don’t need that character. I call these “Island Characters.” Because they’re off on their own islands and have nothing to do with the story at hand. This character was pointless and should’ve been removed.
MISTAKE 5 – If you’re going to set something up, pay if off.
Okay, you’ve got TWO CHEETAHS featured prominently throughout the film. Two dangerous wild animals who get a TON of screen time. If you’re like me, you can’t wait until later when these giant cats are let loose in some uncontrolled environment and they begin wreaking havoc on some poor helpless character. Nope. These cheetahs were just… window dressing I guess. They do get away under uncontrolled circumstances later in the film. But they simply walk off. That’s it. That’s their big finale. If you’re going to set something up, PAY IT OFF!
But see, all of these mistakes paled in comparison to the one big one – the one that may have actually saved this film. It was one of these simple problems that every veteran screenwriter knows but writers who HAVEN’T BEEN AROUND THE SCREENWRITING BLOCK yet don’t. The big problem with The Counselor was that nobody knew what was going on. And the REASON nobody knew what was going on was because the writer never TOLD US what was going on.
When it comes to plot points and motivations THE WRITER MUST BE CLEAR. You can’t dick around with that stuff. Writers think they’re catering to the smarter upscale viewer when they keep their plot points subtle. But the reality is, the audience (even the smart ones) need that moment where a character says, “I’m doing THIS so I can have THIS.” That’s all we needed here! A scene where The Counselor told us THAT HE WAS GOING IN ON A HUGE DRUG DEAL. But we never got it. For some reason that was just assumed. Which meant for the first 70 minutes of the movie, we had no idea what was going on.
This practice continued throughout the script where too many plot points were glazed over. We needed characters who clarified who the motorcycle guy was and who told us what the truck was about. Because we were never told, we were left out in the cold, and if you do that one too many times in a script, we check out. I mean it seems like the most obvious advice in the world and yet I still see writers make this mistake all the time: BE CLEAR! That’s all. Just BE CLEAR with what’s going on. We don’t know what’s happening UNLESS YOU TELL US.
Now there were a few good things here. I liked Cameron Diaz’s character. She was fun. (spoiler) Brad Pitt’s death scene was cool. And I just like Ridley Scott as a director. But man, he was given a really bad script here. The writing was on the wall before this was shot.
Script rating:
[x] what the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
Movie rating:
[ ] what the hell did I just watch?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the price of admission
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Scripts written quickly always FEEL like they were written quickly. So don’t think you’re fooling anyone. Scenes go on for too long. Characters talk too much. Everything feels loose and unfocused, leading to a lot of confusion. There’s a clear lack of setups and payoffs. Not surprisingly, all of those problems were on display here. Coincidence?
UPDATE: Calling all female screenwriters – we want YOU to submit your best work for an upcoming Amateur Offerings Weekend that will showcase scripts written exclusively by women! Send a PDF of your script along with the title, genre, logline, and a ‘why you should read’ section in an email to carsonreeves3@gmail.com ASAP! :)
This is your chance to discuss the week’s amateur scripts, offered originally in the Scriptshadow newsletter. The primary goal for this discussion is to find out which script(s) is the best candidate for a future Amateur Friday review. The secondary goal is to keep things positive in the comments with constructive criticism.
Below are the scripts up for review, along with the download links. Want to receive the scripts early? Head over to the Contact page, e-mail us, and “Opt In” to the newsletter.
Happy reading!
TITLE: Gravity Kills
GENRE: Sci-fi thriller
LOGLINE: A man awakens without memory in the nightmarish world of history’s largest super-prison. As he fights for his freedom, he develops visions of a past he cannot recall, causing him to lose grip on the present — leaving only a matter of time before his past & present collide.
WHY YOU SHOULD READ: “Awhile back you gave some advice on how to generate a good starting point for your script. Basically, you had it down to: confined space, central hero, a mystery to solve, and keep them moving. I really took that into consideration when starting this script. But of course I was derailed along the way. I started it in March 2012, had a solid 60 pages. Then I got sick. Like, real sick. I was in the hospital for the first half of April 2012 (ruptured colon – not fun), then had no energy for the next few months to do any writing. Once I came back to Gravity Kills (which was called “Breakout” then), I realized I had strayed from your advice. I needed to get back to a clearer thru-line and stick to what I really wanted from this script. I love The Twilight Zone. And I had a great idea: a guy wakes up in a super-prison without any memory. It involves fears we all share: the innocent man accused, held against our will, losing our mind – really frightening shit. So that’s what Gravity Kills is…hopefully.
Gravity Kills is a bold science fiction thriller in the vein of Rian Johnson’s Looper (2012), Christopher Nolan’s Inception (2010), Oldboy (2003), and Dark City (1998).
I’ve had scripts finish in the top 10% at Nicholls and the Austin Film Festival, and another top 20%-er at Nicholls. I believe I have good concepts, but have struggled to really break through and sustain the ideas through Act 2 and 3 (but the endings work). So I took extra care to keep the momentum moving and I think Gravity Kills enjoys a very tight structure.”
TITLE: Arab In America!
GENRE: Family Comedy
LOGLINE: As a young Arab-American Muslim in a post 9/11 world, no one will hire Osama Ahmed Abou-Bakr, but when he changes his name to Samuel Adam Baker, his old struggles suddenly become new opportunities. However, his pursuit of the American Dream is soon undermined by the multitude of lies he creates to keep his professional and personal life from colliding.
WHY YOU SHOULD READ: “Arab In America! is a thoughtful and whimsical family comedy in the vein of Mrs. Doubtfire and My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Our journey began as a short film which debuted at the Cannes Film Festival in 2007. It was also awarded the Grand Prize at LinkTV’s One Nation Many Voices Film Competition and was later featured in USA Today, NPR, Yahoo Movies, Huffington Post, CNN, and many others. Ironically, everyone thought a feature was already on the way (which it wasn’t), so together Nabil Abou-Harb, Colin Ferri, and I all hunkered down to adapt our successful short film into a feature.
The challenge of adapting a 15 minute story into a full length story was a difficult task, but we did get some traction on the screenplay (after many revisions of course). We were also trying to make this film ourselves, not just sell the screenplay, and knew we were headed on an uphill battle–the main character was an Arab Muslim in a post 9/11 world after all–but the fact that we had a short film, lots of press, and a well-produced pitch reel for the feature allowed our blind query letters to actually get through to some producers and generate a bit of interest. By 2011 (yes, it was 4 years later, but we were figuring everything out as we went, and trying to make a living any way we could in the process), we had Tony Shaloub interested in playing the father of our hero, and $1 million in LOI, and things seemed to be going up.
However, the moment Osama Bin Laden was killed, Arab In America! officially became dead in the water. Personally, I believed our screenplay was a unique comedy that touched on cultural differences, family issues, and the ever-human struggle to determine one’s own self-identity, but overnight, it seemed like the cultural story became irrelevant. You can be the judge of whether that’s true or not, but thinking back on all we accomplished (and all the mistakes we made along the way), Arab In America! really is a product of its time, and its much easier to see its strengths and weaknesses in retrospect.
Now in 2013, we’ve finally been able to look at the Arab In America! screenplay on its own merits, and be proud of what we accomplished, despite the film never getting made. Perhaps there is still an audience with another revision, who knows, but for now, Arab In America! is yours to exploit for the benefit of your many readers. I know there’s plenty in there for us to learn from as well. Enjoy!”
TITLE: What Doesn’t Kill You
GENRE: Dark Thriller
LOGLINE: When a child killer is sentenced to death under dubious circumstances, the investigating detective discovers that the very man being executed holds the keys that can solve the crime.
WHY YOU SHOULD READ: “You mentioned in this week’s review of Escape from tomorrow, “If you can find a way to break the rules in an interesting way, to create an excited discussion around your film or script, then the doors to Hollywood will open right up.
This script does just that! It’s a genre bending story that catches most readers off guard.
Just a note; it placed in the top 15% at Nicholls this year and finished in the top 10% in the PAGE AWARDS.”
TITLE: The 2Hr Rule
GENRE: Drama
LOGLINE: After his father falls ill, a down on his luck control freak learns to let go of the past when he meets a happy-go-lucky stripper saddled with amnesia and the lingering stigma of a mysterious scar emblazoned across her face.
WHY YOU SHOULD READ: “I’ve been a music video/commerical director for over 12 years. The last 5 years has been a gradual shift into long form, with a heavy focus on writing. I’ve always been a very driven individual, sacrificing a lot for my work. But when my father fell ill with Cancer my perspective changed dramatically and I was looking for an outlet to channel what I was feeling. This script is the result. Interestingly enough, it opened the flood gates for a lot of unresolved issues and, as it turns out, I’m pretty fucked up. Fortunately it’s been a cathartic experience. A lot of what happens in the story happened to me at one point or another including getting my tattoos from cholo gangbanger with a guitar string stuffed through a hollowed out Bic pen, powered by a VCR motor. Yeah, that happened. All five times. I know you have a lot of scripts come across your desk and honestly, I can’t say why you should read mine over someone else’s. I will tell you that Nichols told me I beat out over 5,000 other scripts and gave two positive reads. But more than anything, you should read it to meet some great characters and discover a world you haven’t seen before. The story echoes the sentiment of ‘Garden State’ with a more twisted edge.”
