Genre: Dark Comedy?
Premise: When her more popular twin dies in a horrific car accident, a young woman unwittingly takes on her sister’s identity.
About: This 2011 Black List script is currently in post-production. Jenee LaMarque is both the writer and director. Zoe Kazan will star as both twins. Before this, LaMarque had only made a couple of shorts. So this is his feature debut.
Writer: Jenee LaMarque
Details: “Draft A-2” 98 pages
In a lot of ways, this felt like a Mike White script. It had that sort of weird dark sense of humor coupled with that Mike White uncomfortableness. But at the same time, it felt kind of…off. And not in the right way. I’m going to make a huge generalization here and I apologize to my French peeps in advance, but when I saw the name of the writer afterwards and realized he was French, I immediately thought…”Hmmm, so maybe all those weird moments weren’t on purpose. Maybe they’re played straight but because of the cultural differences, they simply come off as unique.” Because that’s the thing. This script feels like it’s coming from a unique voice. But it may simply be a language/cultural barrier thing.
Anyway, Laurel is 30 years old and still lives at home where she takes care of her father, who’s perfectly capable of taking care of himself, but has gotten lazy over the years since his wife died.
Laurel also has a boyfriend who’s 17 years old, who she loses her virginity to in the first scene. It’s totally awkward and weird, especially afterwards when Laurel asks the guy if he’s her boyfriend now. His non-commital answer makes you squirm in your seat.
That’s when we meet Audrey, Laurel’s beautiful twin sister. I’m not sure how one identical twin sister can look ugly and the other stunning, but that’s the case with these two. Laurel’s sick of Audrey living at home and taking care of a father who doesn’t need taking care of. So she invites her to move out and live with her back at her place.
The two hop in the car to talk about it but a few minutes later – BAM! – a huge car crash. Audrey is obliterated and burnt to a crisp. Laurel wakes up in the hospital and learns that her sister is dead. That her sister *LAUREL* is dead. That’s right. Everyone thinks Laurel died and not Audrey.
At first, Laurel tries to tell everyone she’s not Audrey, but nobody listens. That’s when she realizes that if she’s Audrey, she has an excuse to get out from under her father and start living her life. So she gets an Audrey makeover, transforming her into a super-hottie, and starts living the glamorous life.
Which, predictably, isn’t very glamorous. She finds out she (as in ‘Audrey’) has been sleeping with a married man. And that she treats most of the people around her like shit, particularly the tenants in the building she manages, which includes a young man named Basel. While Basel was a hideous annoying loser in Audrey’s book, he’s a dreamboat in Laurel’s, and the two start hanging out together, quickly falling in love.
Eventually, though, trying to be Audrey becomes too much for Laurel, and she tells everyone the truth. Everyone’s a mix between confused and pissed off, and Laurel soon finds herself in a strange purgatory where she’s neither Laurel or Audrey, but somewhere in between. In the end, she’s going to have to go one way or the other, as well as grow up a little, a leap we’re not sure she can make.
The first thing I’ll say about this script is that it’s different. I’ll give it that (and I’m guessing that’s why it made the Black List). Now I admit I’m still not sure whether it’s different on purpose or by accident, but different is different. For example, the opening scene where we have this 30 year old woman losing her virginity to a 17 year old high school kid — I’d never seen that. So immediately I sat up and was like…whoa, this ain’t going to be your typical Sunday afternoon script read.
In fact, the big thing The Pretty One has going for it is its main character, as she’s someone you’ve never quite seen before. One of the things that impresses me while reading is when I’m consistently unsure of what the main character is going to do next, since 99 times out of a 100, protagonists do exactly what I assume they’re going to do. I didn’t know what the hell Laurel was going to do, what the hell she was going to say. And that made her, at the very least, interesting.
But sometimes you can go too far – make things too unpredictable and weird – and I felt that was the case with Laurel and Basel, who just had this really kooky relationship. For some odd reason out of nowhere they start referring to each other as “Mr. and Mrs. Brown” and pretend that they’re married and have two kids. Apparently this makes it easier for the two to talk to each other. Ummm, huh??
These indie films usually fall into one of two categories for me. They go that route where they’re truly original, a unique independent experience all their own – something like Rushmore or Chuck and Buck or Whale Rider. Or they go that route of “I Want To Be A Sundance Film,” and they basically become the prototypical Sundance experience, with the quirky characters and the quirky story, hitting all the beats they *believe* the Sundance audience will love. This includes movies like Running With Scissors, The Wackness, and even Little Miss Sunshine to a degree. I’m not saying that these movies are bad – just that they’re desperate for that particular audience, and it can be annoying.
The Pretty One, ironically, falls somewhere in between those two worlds. It’s just a hard screenplay to define. It has its moments, for sure. And it’s unique. But after you’ve finished it, you don’t feel like you’ve witnessed a real experience in a person’s life. You feel like you’ve experienced a writer writing a really quirky screenplay, which is why I can’t recommend it.
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Show and Don’t Tell Alert. – As we all know, you’d like to convey things about your characters by showing and not telling. When characters tell us things about other characters or themselves, it’s not nearly as impactful as the right image. So in the opening scene, in order to convey the differences between the two sisters, Hunter (the 17 year old Laurel sleeps with) glances around Laurel’s (and Audrey’s former) room. He sees one bulletin board inundated with dozens of ribbons. “That’s Audrey’s,” Laurel says. And then he looks over to the board above Laurel’s dresser, which has a single pathetic “participant” ribbon on it. “That’s mine.” Within a span of 1/8 of a page, we understand the difference between these two sisters.
What I learned 2: One of the ways to visually show emotionally stunted characters (or characters who haven’t grown up) is to put them in a relationship with someone much younger than them. So here, the reason 30 year old Laurel is with a 17 year old, is to show that she basically still lives life as a child, that she hasn’t grown up yet.
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My friends…it’s been awhile.
We haven’t had a bona-fide good script to read since forever ago. In fact, here are some quick factoids about how long it’s actually been…
1) Gangnam Style still hadn’t hit the internet.
2) K-Stew and R-Patz were still living together.
3) I hadn’t moved out to LA.
4) Kennedy was still alive.
So imagine my surprise when I started reading Gold and…it was actually good! It was such a foreign experience to ENJOY a screenplay that I wasn’t quite sure how to handle it. I actually stopped several times just to savor the moment in case it all fell apart. But it never did. In fact, it had one of the best endings I’ve read all year, securing an “impressive” rating. So how did this script strike gold? Read on to find out.
40-something David Walsh enjoys the finer things in life. Like food. And booze. And…well mainly food and booze, if his body is any indication His gut could be mistaken for one of the Hollywood hills and his dress code could be mistaken for “homeless chic.” When we meet Mr. Sloppy, he’s being interviewed about his involvement with a man named Mike Guzman. This Guzman fellow is apparently pretty important because the guy asking about him is very keen to find out how the two met. And indeed that’s where our story gets juicy, but before we go there, we learn a little more about Walsh first.
Walsh is a prospector – someone who looks for mineral deposits below the earth. He then buys the land and tries to sell it to companies who have the money to mine those deposits. Now at the top of this game are big-name dudes who sell land with millions of dollars of potential deposits, shit like gold and diamonds.
Not the case with the guys at Walsh’s level. Walsh has the occasional property in the middle of Utah that may or may not have some nickel 100 feet underneath them. Basically, he’s the Jerry Lundergarten of prospecting – a desperate salesman trying to offload land that nobody gives a shit about.
That’s until he has “the dream.” Seven years ago, Walsh was in Indonesia watching a man named Mike Guzman work. Guzman is a famous explorer/scientist who specializes in geological surveying. If a volcano collapsed somewhere 5 million years ago and has left tons of nickel deposits 500 feet under the earth, he’s the guy who can probably find it.
Problem is, Guzman’s hit a rough patch, just like Walsh, and needs a big strike. So when Walsh shows up and says he had a dream that he and Guzman would find gold in Indonesia, Guzman can’t help but get excited. But looking for gold costs money. You need equipment, permits, workers. This isn’t panhandling in the local river. This is trudging through miles of dangerous jungle terrain then digging hundreds of feet into the ground.
But not long after they start looking, they find something. Gold deposits. Lots of them. And from that moment on, everything changes. Some of the biggest banks in the world want a piece of this zero turned hero. And soon, Walsh and Cruz have themselves a full-scale multi-million dollar mining operation housing potentially 30 billion dollars worth of gold.
But naturally, as all the rappers seem to agree, mo money equals mo problems, and Walsh finds himself swimming inside a whole new kind of shark tank. These sharks are genetically modified to extract all of your money and spit you out. One moment, Walsh is on top of the world. The next, he’s further under it than the very gold he’s digging up.
But none of that will compare to the utter shock that all men involved will experience when the “Holy shit” final act comes around. This one leaves you with eyes the size of hubcaps going, “No fucking wayyyyyy!” And to think that it’s all true?? Wow.
Gold has an interesting but strong structure. It’s divided into four equal quarters, each of which has its own gameplan. The first quarter is about the struggle. It’s when we meet our hero and see that he’s on the bottom of the barrel. It’s an important part of the script because it establishes the character type that audiences always root for no matter what: THE UNDERDOG. Walsh is as underdog-y as they get and because we see him kicked around by other characters, we immediately sympathize with him and want him to succeed. This is a huge reason why this script works so well.
The second quarter is about hope. It’s about our two underdogs digging for gold – literally. Because this whole section is based on suspense (will or won’t they find the gold?) we’re entranced. The combination of desperately wanting our underdogs to take over the world along with the curiosity of if they’ll find the gold or not has this section moving at a million miles an hour.
The third quarter is the aftermath of success. In my opinion, this was the worst section of the script. “Aftermath of success” is always hard to do in screenplays because it almost always goes the same way. The hero doesn’t have time for his girlfriend anymore. He starts to believe in his own hype. He enjoys his success too much. He loses perspective. Been there, done that. However, the stuff with the other companies trying to screw him over keeps this section alive. All of that stuff was entertaining.
The fourth quarter is the fallout – what happens after it all unravels. This section works for a couple of reasons. First, we knew it was coming. And we want to see how bad it’s going to get. As gruesome as car crashes are, it’s impossible for us humans to look away from them. And second, there’s a great twist. I’m not going to spoil it here. It’s one of those twists that defines the entire movie. So seek out the real world story yourself or wait til the movie comes out. But it packs a wallop.
The big take from Gold might be the use of this 4-Act structure. For those who don’t know, most movies are broken up into 3 acts – the first act is 25-30 pages, the second act is 55-75 pages, and the third act is 20-25 pages. But over time, because that second act is so big, some writers have decided to break it up into two parts. This creates 4 acts then, instead of 3.
It can be simpler to write a movie this way because you basically write 4 equal sections of 30 pages each. That’s a little easier to grasp than a short act, a really long act, and another short act. In fact, it’s almost like you’re writing 4 little half-hour stories. Now remember, the story you’re telling has to fit into that structure, like Gold does, but it’s a great little option to bust out if you’re one of the many writers who get lost in the second act.
Another thing I noticed about this script is how compelling it is to watch the “desperate salesman” character. We saw it with Jerry Lundergarten in Fargo. We saw it with Jack Lemmon’s character in Glengary Glen Ross. And we see it here with Walsh. I don’t know what it is but the desperation that reeks from these characters makes them impossible to look away from. I’m sure there are examples of these characters not working, but I can’t think of one. Writers need to remember this for future screenplays!
Overall, this script just worked. Great characters. Moved well. Fascinating story with lots of twists and turns, particularly that whopper of an ending. It was incredibly well researched. Dialogue was authentic and strong all the way through. Hard to find many faults with this one outside of the 3rd act I mentioned above. Definitely check out Gold if you can find it!
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[x] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: The delayed character description. In almost all cases, when a new character hits the page, you want to describe him immediately. The reason for this is that it’s standard practice, which means readers expect it. Therefore, when you tell us “JOE” just walked into the room and there’s no description of Joe, or “JOE” starts talking yet we haven’t met the guy, it’s annoying and confusing to the reader. However, there are a few situations where adding a description to a character intro interrupts the flow of the read. If Joe charges onto a battlefield and you have to stop to tell us he’s tall and gangly and has a spider-web collection, it kind of kills the moment. So the delayed description is motivated. In Gold, Walsh is introduced pouring a drink, exchanging a few words with an investigator, and THEN getting his description. To me, this falls under the category of a delayed description for no reason. So it’s one I would’ve avoided. The ultimate lesson here is, describe your character right away unless there’s NO OTHER WAY to do it. You’ll keep the reader happy.
What I learned 2: Always pick a more interesting verb! Describing a car on page 4, Massett and Zinman don’t say, “It pulls into a spot,” they say “it lumbers into a spot.”
Genre: Comedy
I open the script.
I see “117 pages.”
For a comedy.
My heart sinks.
“No,” I think.
After all the effort I’ve put into this? After saying time and time again never to write a comedy spec over 110 pages. Comedies HAVE TO MOVE because there’s no such thing as a good slow comedy. If you bloat your script up to 117 pages, I guarantee you it’s going to be slow. We’re going to have a bunch of long scenes, pointless scenes, repetitive scenes, and probably a story that loses itself several times. That’s how scripts become 117 pages – the writers haven’t figured out how to focus the story yet. And we become the unwitting lab rats who suffer through that unfocusedness.
Sigh…
BUT! There are always exceptions to the rule right? Every once in awhile a long comedy comes along that’s good! Judd Apatow’s scripts are like 140 pages, right?
Yeah but his scripts usually suck. He doesn’t start figuring things out until the shooting process. Hmmm…there’s gotta be SOME examples of long comedy screenplays that are good. When Harry Met Sally was a long screenplay! Then again, I’m not sure they formatted it correctly.
What the hell am I babbling about? Well, it’s Friday, so cut me some slack. I’m about to go to something called a “Hollywood Breakfast” and I’m not sure how those work. Are they different from a Hollywood lunch? Do you talk about different things? Is it too early in the day to pitch an idea? Sometimes I wish I was one of those homeless people on Sunset and Vine. They don’t have to worry about anything but acting crazy. Now that’s a life I could get used to.
The year is 1903, and bike-makers Wilbur and Orville Wright are struggling to keep their business above land (get it? ABOVE…LAND??). You’d think bike-making would be pretty lucrative back then, seeing as there weren’t many cars around. But our poor brothers can barely make the monthly payments on their lease.
Of the two, Orville is the business-minded one and Wilbur the creative one. And Wilbur’s got a creative solution for their failing business: start up again on that “flying machine,” they’ve been dilly-dallying with in their spare time, then make a million bucks when they get it to work! Orville not-so-secretly thinks the flying machine’s a bust, so he’s not down, but when some local thugs come around asking for money on a failed invention the brothers sold them, they have no choice but to run off to Kitty Hawk, North Carolina and throw all of their eggs into this flying basket.
Once there, they meet the beautiful but slightly bitchy Hannah Clifford, who’s the daughter of the local mayor. She agrees to find them free housing if they’ll vote for her father in the upcoming election. Jesus, I wish someone would’ve offered me that kind of deal on my apartment.
They begin work on the flying machine but distractions soon arise. The first is Hannah herself, who takes a liking to Wilbur, which threatens to disrupt their building schedule. And the second is the president of the Smithsonian Institute, who wants to stop the Wright Brothers from getting their flying machine airborne before he and his much more prestigious institution are able to do so.
When Orville finds out that Wilbur is shacking up with Hannah, he becomes furious, and begins a blueberry pie-inspired sabotage campaign to keep them apart. In the process, however, Orville takes a liking to Hannah, and she decides two brothers are better than one and sleeps with him K-Stew style! Which, like, is so slutty for back then.
In the end, just about everything that can blow up does, and one of the most heralded achievements in US history is in danger of never happening.
Kitty Hawk has some nice things going for it. It has a clear goal (create a working flying machine), some urgency (the Smithsonian dude and the thugs from back home chasing them), conflict between the two main characters, a love triangle. For all intents and purposes, it should work. And it kind of does at times.
But there’s something missing here that keeps it from ever rising above average. And I’m not sure what it is. I run into these scripts every once in awhile – scripts that are “fine,” but are missing those key ingredients that push them into memorable territory. Maybe more could’ve gone wrong. And, more specifically, could’ve gone wrong sooner. Things are a little too breezy through the first half of Kitty Hawk. The bad guy doesn’t get there until page 70 or something. The second romance (between Hannah and Orville) doesn’t get started until page 75. So there’s a huge portion of the script where there isn’t any tension, suspense, or conflict.
Another issue I had was that Dillon didn’t differentiate the brothers when we first met them. This is CRITICAL since these are our two main characters and will make up 90% of the screenplay. All we’re told is that one of them, Wilbur, is bald, and that he’s more the “inventor” of the two. That’s something but it isn’t nearly enough. It wasn’t until the midpoint that I truly knew who was who when they were talking. And this can be traced back to that first introduction. Always try and give your characters a unique introduction that shows exactly who they are and why they’re different from EVERYONE ELSE. So if Wilbur’s the inventor, show him inventing something. This is a movie about the Wright Brothers so I see no reason why you wouldn’t start with him working on a plane anyway.
The character of Glenn Curtis (Smithsonian Dude) was also unclear. I had no idea who he was, what his institution did, why he was trying to find the brothers, what his ultimate plans with them were. It was all very vague. So when we get this giant climax of him showing up at the Kitty Hawk church to announce his own plans to build a plane, I was sitting there going….uhhhhh, huh??? This is another case of a writer not being clear enough. You have to be clear to your audience about who your characters are, what they’re there for, who they work for, what their motivation is, etc. If any of that stuff is murky, then the character is shot. We never get a good feel for them.
The area where I really checked out though was when Orville put together a children’s work force to build the plane. At that point the script just became too silly, and when that happens, it’s hard for me to take anything seriously. It’s hard for me to care about the characters and their situations. So I politely read through the rest of the script but knew it had no chance of reeling me back in.
While one of the better Twit-Pitch entries so far, this is another script that showed plenty of writing skill, but didn’t entertain enough in the story department. :(
What I learned: You don’t want to wait too long to institute the plot points that are the main salable components of your script. This is a script that touts itself as two Wright Brothers going after the same girl. Yet that isn’t fully realized until page 75. PAGE 75!!! I mean come on. This speaks to a larger issue though, which is that too many writers wait too long to get to the good stuff. What are you waiting for? That’s why we came here. The good stuff! So get to those plot lines sooner and you’ll see your script come to life.
So I put the question out there to you guys – What would you like to see a Thursday article about? I got a lot of suggestions, but by far, the one readers wanted most was an article about rewriting. Apparently the claim last week that you should write ten drafts before showing your script to anybody scared a lot of people. Many of you are just starting out and hardly know what to do on a second draft, much less a tenth.
This stems from the beginner assumption that once you’ve written “The End,” you’re done. I mean you put all that work into it! Like four weeks! Why in the world would you need to change anything? I’ll tell you why. Because first drafts suck! Even if you outline, you oftentimes get to the middle of the script and start changing things up, adding new characters, new subplots, paying off stuff you didn’t set up cause you thought of it after-the-fact. The first draft is a draft of discovery. You’re figuring things out. Therefore when you’re finished, you usually have a roaming patchwork of good and bad, something that needs major surgery. Rewriting will get you there. But how does one go about the rewriting process?
Well before we get to that, let’s just make clear that everybody writes differently. There are writers who take the “discovery” aspect of the first draft literally, unafraid to follow any little rabbit hole they find. Then there are writers who outline meticulously, so they know exactly what they’re going to write down to each line of dialogue. The point is that different writers are further along after a first draft than others, which makes it difficult to come up with a “one size fits all” method for rewriting. Having said that, after talking to hundreds of writers, this approach seems to be the most often used. Here are the general steps the majority of writers take.
1) OUTLINE – One of the most common mistakes young writers make is not outlining. Therefore they have no idea what’s going to happen from one scene to the next. They just go with what their gut tells them. This can be an exciting way to write, since you essentially become the reader, discovering the story as it happens. But these drafts are easily the messiest, and it often takes five to six EXTRA DRAFTS just to rein in all your crazy ideas, story tangeants, unnecessary characters, etc. By outlining, you’re structuring (most of) the story ahead of time, which means at the very least, the structure will be in place. Since changing structure is the hardest thing to do (with every structural change, you might have to rewrite up to 30 pages), you’ll save a lot of rewriting by getting this down ahead of time.
2) 1ST REWRITE (STRUCTURE) – When you finish your first draft, you’ll often feel like you’ve just finished your masterpiece. The adrenaline will trick you into believing you need to practice your Oscar speech – NOW! That is until you read it a week later. You realize there are huge gaps of randomness, lots of repetitive scenes, and that the characters aren’t very deep or interesting. Welcome to the beginning of rewriting. There are lots of ways you can go about your first rewrite, but I advise getting the structure fixed first. Even if you outlined, the draft never seems to turn out exactly the way you planned. So make sure your first act turn, your midpoint, and your 3rd act turn are all where they need to be. Make sure your characters always have clear goals and are pursuing those goals. Scripts die when goals are unclear or there are large gaps between the end of one pursuit and the beginning of another. Make sure every 15 pages or so, something important happens, something that raises the stakes (if possible), keeps the script moving, and keeps it interesting.
3) REWRITES 2-6 (TROUBLESHOOTING) – Now it’s time to do some heavy lifting. If you have the time, I advise putting your script down for a couple of weeks. You’re going to need fresh eyes. Once you have that distance, read the script again, taking note of everything that bothers you. Maybe you think a character sucks. Maybe pages 20-35 are boring for some reason and you can’t figure out why. Maybe you hate a set-piece or you think a crucial scene doesn’t hit the emotional beat it needs to. You’ll likely have somewhere between 30-40 issues that need to be dealt with, some big, some small. For that reason, this will be the most time-consuming portion of your rewrite process. It could take a month. It could take a year. All depending on how much time you have, how bad the problems are, and how good you want to make your script. Some writers are okay with subpar solutions to problems. The good ones, though, won’t stop until they’re happy with everything that’s on the page.
Basically what you do is you start with the biggest problems, jot down potential solutions for those problems, and apply the best solution you can come up with. Let’s take yesterday’s script, Dead In The Water, as an example. In that script, Carrie’s segment starts getting repetitive. Her and her group keep running into zombie after zombie. There’s nothing new there. It feels like every other zombie movie. So the question I might ask is, “How do I make this less repetitive?” or “How do I make this segment more unique?” I’d then force myself to come up with ten solutions. Some of them might be bad, but I find that bad solutions spark ideas that lead to good solutions. So just brainstorm and write down whatever you can think of. Now if you remember, the script was divided up into three segments – one that follows Carrie, one that follows husband Brian, and one that follows Suparman. Well, the first solution might be to come up with a FOURTH person. This would cut down Carrie’s segment, getting rid of some of those repetitive scenes. Or, if we wanted a more creative solution, we could include a scene where one of the characters falls into the ocean and the group has to save him, all while zombies are approaching. Not an ideal solution, but if I brainstormed it for an hour, I might be able to come up with a pretty cool scene that ISN’T your traditional “characters in a dark room with zombies nearby” sequence.
This is the hardest section of rewriting because it takes a LOT of thinking. Creativity gives way to brute brainpower – just trying to come up with enough solutions that something cool eventually pops up. You’d do this for the 5-6 main problems, fix them, then you’d start over again for the next couple of drafts, address the 15-20 medium problems and try to come up with solutions for them. After that, you’d do the same for the small issues, until you’ve happily solved all of your script problems and have story solutions you’re proud of. Now if you’ve convinced yourself that you don’t have at least 20 script problems after your first draft, you’re either lying to yourself or you’ve set the bar incredibly low for yourself. Part of rewriting is being honest with yourself about your work. Don’t be satisfied with “okay.” Make sure everything you’ve written is the best you can possibly do.
4) INTERMEDIARY DRAFTS – Intermediary drafts occur because during the rewrite process, you get new ideas. You might realize that the main character shouldn’t be a chef, but rather a ninja warrior! Or it might hit you that there have been 10,000 zombie movies released in the past six months, so maybe it’s better if you make your bad guys aliens instead. Or that coming-of-age movie that takes place in San Francisco? You realize it’d move faster as a roadtrip movie. Whatever the case, these decisions often require massive rewriting, sometimes changing up to 70% of the screenplay. My advice to you is, don’t make a change that big unless you’re POSITIVE it makes your script a lot better. Rewriting takes a lot of time, so you want to make sure that every choice is worth the time it takes to incorporate it.
5) SEVENTH REWRITE (CHARACTERS) – You don’t have to wait until the seventh draft to start rewriting your characters. You could do it right away. You could also include character fixes in the “Troubleshooting” section of the rewrites. But I think characters deserve their own rewrite segment as they are the most important part of your screenplay. Lots of professional writers will even dedicate single rewrite drafts to each key character in the script. Yes, that’s why you hear about scripts going through 30-40 drafts. The idea here is to make sure that the character is as interesting as he/she can possibly be. Are they likable? Are they active? Do they have a flaw they must overcome? Do they have personality? Do they have an unresolved issue with another character? I read so many boring characters in scripts so make sure your characters are dynamic and interesting. Here’s a good place to start.
5) EIGHTH REWRITE (SMOOTH IT OUT) – The thing with rewriting is that it’s a very segmented process. You work on individual segments to make them better, whether it be a character, a scene, or a portion of dialogue. Then, when you go back and read the screenplay as a whole, it has no flow. All the parts look pretty, but you haven’t connected them yet. That’s what this draft is for. And it can be really annoying because it’s the least creative stage of rewriting. For example, you may have a scene where a character gets attacked while walking from the grocery store to her car, only to realize that the same character was at the grocery store just three scenes ago. So now you have to put her at another store (and come up with a reason for why she’s there) or move those scenes further away from each other so the second grocery store trip makes sense. There are tons of little annoying things like this but if you don’t figure them out, then smooth them out, your script will feel choppy and lazy.
6) NINTH REWRITE (DIALOGUE PASS) – Yup, you’re waiting ALL THE WAY UNTIL NOW to do your dialogue pass. Why now? Because very few scenes from your original draft actually remain in the final draft. Which means you spent countless hours perfecting dialogue for scenes that aren’t even around anymore. I don’t know what you call that but where I’m from that’s called ‘wasting time.’ You want to wait until your script is as solid as possible before doing a final dialogue run so that you know all this dialogue is actually going to be in the script. Also, we tend not to really know our characters until we’re almost finished. Therefore, we have a much better feel for what they’d say or do late in the game. Hence the dialogue should be more authentic and fun.
7) TENTH REWRITE (SPELLING, GRAMMAR, TECHNICAL) – The easiest way to tell you’re dealing with an amateur is to read a script where the writer doesn’t give a shit about these things. So make sure there are no mistakes here. “Technical” refers to things like sluglines and name changes. You might have originally put “DAY” in your slugline but changed the scene to “NIGHT” at some point and forgot. Somewhere in the rewrite process “JOE” became “RANDY” and you still have both names scattered about (this will drive a reader crazy btw, so make sure you fix it). Or your protagonist may be working at a store called “INITECH” but you have all your characters referring to it as “INICORP.” These things happen over the course of months of writing. So make sure all that stuff is fixed!
What I’ve written above is just a guideline. Everybody has their own process that works for them. Some write less drafts. Most write more drafts. But if you don’t have a process yet, this is a good template to start with. The main thing I want to convey is the idea of breaking down the problems in your screenplay and really making an effort to come up with solutions for them. This is where a bad script can turn into a good one, or a good script can turn into a great one. The more time you dedicate to rewriting, the more time you dedicate to coming up with the best possible choices for your story. I’m sorry, but one or two drafts just isn’t going to cut it in the competitive professional world of screenwriting. Good luck guys. Now go rewrite that jumbled mess of a first draft!
Genre: Horror/Zombie
Premise: A married couple goes on a cruise to heal their wounds after losing their son, but when the ship rescues a strange sick man, they soon find that their own lives are in danger.
About: Hey, how often do we get to read a script by TWINS? Touchstone bought this spec back in 2010. Alexi Hawley scripted the 2004 Exorcist prequel, Exorcist: The Beginning, and more recently was story editor on the Nathan Fillion show, Castle. Brother Noah was a writer on the TV show, Bones.
Writers: Alexi and Noah Hawley
Details: 110 pages
In all honesty, had I known this was a zombie script, I wouldn’t have read it. Dead In The Water was a random script I had in my screenplay pile which I knew nothing about, which is exactly why I wanted to read it. I was hoping for another Ends Of The Earth or Dead Of Winter. But didn’t get it. I got a zombie flick.
I’ll tell you what, though. Before I knew this was a zombie script – in other words throughout the first act – it was pretty damn good. And once it became a zombie flick, the darn thing kept going. It took some chances along the way – did things a little differently – and therefore, gasp, kept me fairly entertained. I’m still not sure what to make of it on the whole. There’s a character called Suparman who feels like he’s been beamed in from a different movie…on a different planet. But all in all, I think there’s more good here than bad.
The script starts out with a great opening scene. A group of doctors are out for a spin on their sailboat when they spot a couple of men on a trawler dumping bags into the ocean. The trawler speeds away and the doctors decide to investigate, only to find that the bags aren’t just bags. They’re body bags. And as they move up to get a closer look, one of the bags…STARTS MOVING.
They open the bag up to save the individual but it turns out it’s not him who needs saving. Blood splatters. There are screams. And we CUT to a cruise ship. This is where we meet Brian and Carrie Lake, a couple grieving over their dead son. Both are devastated but Carrie’s ready to move on. Brian, a cop, can’t let go however, and would rather sleep in their room all day than go out and “have fun.”
So Carrie heads out on her own, and while up on deck, spots something in the water that stops her cold. It’s a man! Drifting along on a piece of debris! She calls out to the ship’s crew and the next thing you know they’re lifting the man up on deck. Well waddaya know? It’s one of the doctors! And he’s not looking good. In fact, he starts vomiting blood all over the place! Mmmmmm…blood vomit.
Carrie relays the experience to Brian, who continues his bed brigade, so Carrie goes to take a nap on deck. When she wakes, however, something is off. There’s…nobody around. It’s like everyone from the cruise just disappeared. Oh, until she sees a man with a blood-stained mouth coming after her. And then another one. And then another one.
Carrie runs off, where she’s able to find a few more people, and the group quickly realizes that a virus has spread throughout the ship, bringing the dead back to life, dead who are hungry for human flesh. Let this be a lesson about picking up strangers.
Carrie now has a single-minded goal – finding her husband, and this is where the script does something different. It starts out with a segment called “Carrie,” which follows Carrie’s journey as she tries to find Brian. Then, when that’s over, we cut to the “Brian” segment, where we show Brian trying to find Carrie. If that were it, the script still may have been too predictable for me. But then, for some odd reason, we also have a final segment titled, you guessed it, “Suparman.” Suparman is a 22 year old Indonesian man who is some sort of circus acrobatics expert, able to wield duo-machetes which allows him to slice and dice zombies like they’re tomatoes. I honestly have NO IDEA what Suparman was doing in the script, and yet, I was glad he was. It gave the story this slight level of absurdity that differentiated it JUST ENOUGH from typical zombie faire to give it an edge.
The first thing I want to point out is what an advantage CONTAINING a horror scenario is. For those who read or saw Contagion – if you were like me, you saw a movie trying to cover so many countries and so many scenarios that it eventually lost itself. It’s hard to sell mass death when there are so many places to hide, so many islands and areas safe from contamination. On something like a cruise ship, however, there’s nowhere to run. You’re trapped. And that makes the situation a thousand times scarier.
I thought the cutting to different people was a smart move too. It broke up the conventional zombie structure of a group trying to move from point A to point B (while avoiding zombies). That’s where I think a lot of these scripts die. Because once the mystery is over, once the group knows they’re zombies and have to get to [some location] to survive, the scripts become very technical. They’re just moving on rails while avoiding zombies. All the creativity is gone. Now I’m not saying Dead In The Water completely eliminated this, but the structure break-up was just enough to keep us on our toes.
As far as the characters here….hmmmm… I guess they were okay. The whole “dead child” thing is a little stock. I’ve seen it before. In fact, it was the main storyline for another “dangerous person comes aboard a boat” flick, Dead Calm. I don’t know what it is about this backstory but I’ve never been a fan of it. First, there’s something just too sad about a dead child. It doesn’t translate well to screen. And second, it’s almost impossible to avoid melodrama with it. The couple has to be sad, they have to discuss how sad they are, and it always comes off as too much. I’d avoid this backstory unless you have a fresh take on it.
Anyway, the ultimate point is this – if I were a producer, I would buy this script. It’s a money-maker for sure. Zombies on a cruise ship? Never been done before (at least to my knowledge). You got the contained setup, nowhere to run. Zombies on a cruise has potential for a lot of fun scenarios, as proven here with the unforgettable shark climax. And then of course, you get to top it all off with Suparman – the machete-wielding alien from another planet. What’s not to like?
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: The isolated character name is a good way to imply the screenplay equivalent of a close-up during a key moment. — Remember guys, you don’t want to write “CLOSE-UP” in your script. It’s too technical. So the isolated character name is a great way to imply that the camera is on the character. Here’s an example from page 40…
They turn and run as the infected flood the stairs behind them.
ERYN
reaches a doorway. Ducks through it and onto…
EXT. PROMENADE DECK – DAY
