Genre: Thriller/Comedy
Premise: A naïve freshman at Yale finds herself caught up in a drug deal gone bad.
About: Mike White (Orange County, Chuck and Buck, School Of Rock) is back in the saddle with this spec script. All I’ve been hearing lately is, “You gotta read Babe In The Woods. You gotta read Babe In The Woods.” To be honest, the title made it sound like a Limp Biskit video, so I was reluctant. But then I found out the hottest director in town, Ruben Fleischer, was directing it, so that was the tipping point for me. EDIT: I’ve since learned that this is the draft of the first script Mike White sold back in 1996. Which means Ruben signed on to another current draft. May help partly explain reactions.
Writer: Mike White
Details: 112 pages (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).
When you’re thinking about what screenwriting “voice” means, there’s a good chance Mike White is one of the faces that pops into your head. Starting with Chuck and Buck, the guy created a unique blend of humor, darkness, and intelligence unlike any other writer out there. Even his lesser known efforts, like Orange County, are still interesting films.
But I haven’t seen much of Mike lately. I remember he was in line to direct that Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (or whatever it was called) movie but pulled out due to creative differences. So it was fun to hear he had a new hot spec out there. So what’s it about?
18 year old April Granger is the definition of naïve. She lives in Nebraska. She was bred on corn. She’s got that small town beauty thing going for her. And everyone she’s ever met in her life has been earnest and honest. And she’d probably stay with those people if she weren’t so darn smart. But April’s been accepted into Yale. THE Yale. Not like the Yale Barn and Grill. So she says goodbye to Nebraska and her family and off she goes.
April’s roommate is Charlotte Hollingsworth, a debonair Real Housewife of New York in waiting. But in classic Mike White fashion, she’s far from cliché. Charlotte, while a total snobby bitch, also loves spy movies and her favorite person in history is a famous female spy. Anyway, she’s already determined that April isn’t worth her time.
Lucky then that April meets Jackie Belasco, a weird girl who’s much more accepting of April’s corn-bred upbringing. The two become besties and finally April feels like she fits in.
Therefore, when Thanksgiving comes around and April can’t afford to fly back home, Jackie invites her to her family’s house, in Jersey. April’s thrilled and immediately loves the camaraderie and closeness of Jackie’s family. Everyone seems so nice! Later that night, however, while out at a bar, Jackie’s cute brother asks April if she’d like to join him in the city. Go out on an impromptu date. She agrees, excited, and away they go.
Before they can officially hang out though, the brother just wants her to do one quick favor. Walk into a hotel, say she’s someone else, then wait for him up in a room. The naïve April says no problem, does as told, and waits for him. Except seconds after she gets there, a man enters her room with a bag and the brother is coming through the window and there’s a shooting and chaos and before you know it the wounded brother is asking April to take the bag and run.
She does, hurries out into the city, frantically calls Jackie, who asks her to please not go to the police or her brother will be in big trouble. April’s scared and confused but doesn’t want to mess things up for her friend, so she runs to Grand Central station, jumps on a train, and heads back to Yale. There, at a deserted campus, she meets up with her roommate, Charlotte, again, and the two realize April is carrying a bag full of money. When the bad guys trace April back to the campus, they come too, and Charlotte decides to help her roommate defeat them, as that’s exactly what her spy idol would do.
This was a great script to read after yesterday because both tread similar territory, yet Babe In The Woods was a thousand times more memorable. The tone here is less clinical and more….hmm, I’m not sure what word to use…”groovy” I guess. White has us laughing at our characters just as often as he has us terrified for them. It’s a unique combination for a thriller that I wasn’t used to.
He also takes his characters on quite a journey. Normally you’d set a story like this in one place (a la Kristy, on a campus). But we start in Nebraska, then go to Yale, then head to Jersey, then to New York, then back to Yale again. This can be dangerous in a bad writer’s hands as the story can quickly derail and feel unfocused. But White takes a page out of the Coens’ book and puts the focus on the bag of money, allowing him to take the story wherever he wants it to go (even if it’s kind of weird that we end up at the same place we started).
My favorite choice of White’s here was probably teaming up Charlotte and April. I love it when two “enemies” are later forced to work together. And it was great to see this girl who we’d previously hated turning into a cool chick. The reversal of expectations on both women (Charlotte and Jackie) was a neat trick. Again, nothing quite went how you thought it was going to go here.
White also does a wonderful job of building up April’s key personality trait – her naiveté. This story doesn’t work unless you believe April is naïve. So the first 30 pages are dedicated to showing us how much April trusts people and how she always sees the good in people.
The other cool thing White does is adds just enough humor so that you overlook some of the more preposterous plot points. I mean no girl would really set up a trade with a band of criminals at the top of the Empire State Building. And April using her gymnastics background to triple flip her way into a thug-takedown is beyond ridiculous. But White establishes early on that he’s winking at you. So you end up going with the moments.
That said, it wasn’t perfect. And if this is indeed a first draft, as it claims, that might be a reason why (though the setups and payoffs in this are numerous enough that I doubt it’s a true “first draft.”). I had a hard time believing that April wouldn’t do more to save herself at key moments during this story. When she’s lugging the bag around Grand Central Station with a crazy gunman chasing her for instance (a gunman who conveniently disappears whenever she tells someone about him), it was kind of like, “Enough already.” It’s time to take care of this.
And when she does finally find an officer, he becomes “movie officer,” the kind of policeman who conveniently has no intelligence or skill when asked for help. He takes one look back at where she said she saw the gunman, doesn’t see anyone, then shrugs his shoulders and says, “Sorry, can’t help.” I would think of all the people that policeman would be willing to help, number one on that list would be a beautiful 18 year old girl who claims that someone’s trying to kill her. Even with the comedy buffer, at some point characters in life and death situations need to act like real people. And at key moments during Babe In The Woods, they don’t. Whether audiences won’t care because of the purposeful absurdity of it all, we’ll have to see, but it would be nice if some of those leaps in logic were cleaned up.
Babe In The Woods was an awkward unexpected fun ride. Expect it to rank highly on the 2011 Black List.
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[xx] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Sometimes the flow of the story doesn’t allow you to properly introduce a character when we first meet them. For example, if you want to convey on the page a fleeting first glance between your main character and someone else who becomes important later, it would probably be a bad idea to stop the story and explain in detail who that person is. It’ll interrupt the “fleeting glance” effect you’re going for. So instead, just say, “We’ll meet him/her later.” That’s how Jackie is introduced here. We don’t have time to get into her character yet, but since she’s important, Mike White writes, “We’ll meet her later.” This is a common practice many writers use.
Genre: Thriller
Premise: A high school student is blackmailed into assassinating a senator on his first day of school.
About: This sold a couple of years back for low six figures. Jaswinski has a couple of other sales, including Kristy, a hot spec also from a couple of years ago about a girl being stalked on a college campus. It made the original Reader Top 25.
Writer: Anthony Jaswinski
Details: 103 pages – May 3, 2008 draft (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).
I still have not read Kristy. All I know is a lot of people love it so I should probably get to it at some point. In a bit of a coincidence, if you do like that script, make sure to tune in tomorrow. I’m reviewing a hot screenplay that’s somewhat similar.
But today it’s all about the high school. I’m sure you remember what it felt like to walk through those enormous doors for the first time. Seeing enough kids to fill a small city. Believing that all of them were staring directly at YOU. Believing they could all read your mind. Knowing that you were SCARED SHITLESS. First days of school. Now there’s something I don’t miss.
But our protagonist in Advanced Placement is going to have a worse first day than all of our first days put together. 18 year old Seth Deacon is on something like his 3rd high school in two years. The guy’s one of those people who doesn’t look for trouble, but trouble always seems to find him. He’s got that rebel vibe that draws the attention of the jockalonians. But unlike most kids, Seth always fights back. Which has given him a long rap sheet.
The one constant in Seth’s life is his 10 year old sister, Tara. She’s the reason he smiles at the end of the day. Why he’s able to forget the two or three fights he got into at lunchtime. She’s the center of his world. And that will play a big part in today’s story, because things are about to get really bad for Seth and Tara.
On this day – his first day – Seth gets called into the principal’s office where he’s tasked to talk with a guidance counselor, the insanely hot Gail Fenn.
But something tells us pretty quickly – her choice of language maybe? – that this isn’t your average guidance counselor. Gail is one mean son of a bitch. And she lays it down for Seth. The senator is coming to speak at the school this afternoon, and Seth is going to kill him. If he doesn’t, they will murder his sister. It’s as simple as that. They’ll put the gun he’s supposed to use in a compartment in his locker. They’ll sit him down close to the stage. He’s to walk up, shoot him, and that’s it.
Man, this is so much worse than 3 O’Clock High. Naturally, Seth tries to escape between periods. But he quickly finds out that Gail has people working everywhere. He even tries to text for help but they’ve rigged his phone. They’ve been planning this for a long time. And the easy-to-blame Seth is the final piece of the puzzle.
Seth eventually finds some help in the alternative form of Chloe, another outsider. She doesn’t believe him at first, but comes around in the end. The question is, will they be able to escape not killing the senator AND save Seth’s sister? If so, it ain’t going to be easy.
Reading “Advanced Placement,” I thought to myself, “I can maybe see a high school demographic going for this.” They might be able to relate to these characters on some level. It’s an exciting enough situation that they themselves might wonder what they would do. And the script is competently written – no doubt. Jaswinski knows how to create suspense and keep his story moving, something a lot of amateurs have trouble with. But there was still something that bothered me about Advanced Placement.
Another writer noted to me Advanced Placement was the kind of script that was ruining the spec market. The market has become so dependent on fast easy reads, that nobody’s developing characters anymore. Nobody’s implementing themes anymore. Spec screenplays have become more of a race these days. Who can get to the finish line first? That’s why the only genres that seem to sell anymore are comedies and thrillers.
I don’t know if I would go that far. But I can definitely see his point. You can speed through Advanced Placement faster than an episode of Survivor. But when you’re finished, what is it you’ve read? There’s no bigger picture here. The characters don’t change. There’s no message. It feels empty. Look at Taxi Driver, which convers similar territory. You finish watching that film and a message has definitely washed over you. The idea that a city is falling apart. That we’re all becoming depraved angry dirty vicious animals. That the only way to change it is to take a stand.
And I realize this is more of a thriller than it is a character exploration, but Adavnced Placement could’ve really benefitted from stopping, slowing down, and examining its characters every once in awhile. The writer asking himself: “What is it I actually want to say here?”
I mean the story was fine. It wasn’t entirely believable. But enough of the holes were camouflaged that you bought into it for at least the amount of time it took to read. The concept was pretty good as well. While I’ve seen movies where normal people were forced to assassinate someone before, I’ve never seen one set in a high school.
But again, as I look back at this, I can’t remember any of the details. I don’t remember any particular scene standing out. The whole thing is a blur. And this goes back to what that writer brought up.
Is this what spec scripts have become? Where we celebrate something just because it has a solid hook, gets to the finish line quickly and doesn’t have any glaring holes? As much as I don’t want that to be the case, I can see why it’s come to this. There are so many bad screenplays out there that readers just don’t trust writers. If I read an amateur script, the first thing that pops into my head is, “This is probably going to be bad.” I don’t want to think that. I just do. Because nine out of ten times, that’s the case.
For that reason, readers want screenplays to read fast. That way, even if it’s bad, at least it’s over quickly. The problem is that most of the time, it’s the slow scripts that are REALLY bad. So readers tend to link those two things together. But really that badness is just beginners who don’t know what they’re doing. Beginners notoriously take forever to set up their stories and get things going. For that reason, when a screenwriter who DOES know what they’re doing comes along and tries something slow, he gets lumped in with the amateurs, because the reader just assumes it’s another beginner droning on. Even if the script does get better, the reader is already in “skim mode” and therefore not really paying attention.
So what’s the solution? I think it has to be compromise. I don’t like the system but as long as there are going to be thousands upon thousands of terrible screenplays, there are going to be impatient readers. So start your scripts off moving. Get our attention. And then, once you’ve gotten it, you’ve earned the right to slow down. To explore your characters a little. To explore your theme some. I would’ve liked to have seen that here with Advanced Placement. Have some quieter moments between Seth and Chloe and really gotten to know them. I was just watching Up the other day (a movie I used to dislike but have come around on), and that movie is marketed to the highest demographic of attention deficit disorder people in the world – children. And yet it slows down so many times to explore themes like friendship and mourning and moving on. I understand that Up isn’t a thriller but if your audience isn’t connecting with your characters on something more than a surface level, then that movie or screenplay you show them is going to disappear from their minds the second it’s over.
Advanced Placement is too breezy for its own good. It’s too fast. It’s too slick. I guess sometimes a script can move so fast that afterwards you’re not even sure if you read it.
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: The lesson here is to try and say something with your script. Oftentimes when a story disappears from my mind the second I’m finished reading it, it’s because the writer wasn’t trying to say anything. Every once in awhile if you create great characters and an expertly plotted film, you can get away with pure entertainment. For example, I’m not sure Die Hard was trying to say anything about the world. But why not try to say something with your story just in case you haven’t created the next Die Hard? Go back to your top 10 favorite movies. What did you FEEL afterwards? Ask yourself why you felt that way. What themes were those movies hitting on? See if you can’t incorporate those themes into your own screenplays.
Genre: Comedy
Premise: A married father accidentally switches bodies with his single best friend. Hilarity ensues.
About: Jon Lucas and Scott Moore (writers of The Hangover) I believe sold this on the eve of that film’s success, but I’m not positive about that. They may have sold it a little earlier. Lucas and Moore wrote together for nine long years before their big success in The Hangover, mostly as script doctors trying to make existing comedy scripts funnier. Despite having the biggest box office R-rated comedy of all time to their credit, they were not asked to come back for The Hangover 2, which was probably appropriate since the new writers just changed all the sluglines to “Thailand” and did a search and replace for “baby,” turning it into “monkey.” Why pay the original writers a bunch of money to do that? The Change-Up stars Jason Bateman and Ryan Reynolds and comes out this Friday.
Writers: Jon Lucas and Scott Moore
Details: 122 pages – July 31, 2009 draft (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).
I have a secret that I’ve been hiding from Scriptshadow readers for a long time now. And I’m sick of keeping it from all of you. We all have to come clean at some point right? And I’m okay with the fact that this secret will likely eliminate 30% of my readership.
But you know what? Fuck it. You’re not really living if you’re living a lie.
I don’t know when it was, exactly, that I began hiding this from the world. But something somebody recently said in the comments section helped me come to terms with it. They said: “If people admitted to liking the movies they REALLY liked as opposed to the movies they thought they were supposed to like, Top 100 lists would be different everywhere.”
And with that, I have to come clean. I sorta kinda like body-switch movies.
There. I said it.
It’s out there now. Wow. I feel like 200 tons worth of film reels have been lifted off my shoulders.
I don’t know what it is about them, and I realize that body-switch movies are one step below Martin Lawrence vehicles. But I still watch them. I do. I paid money to rent 17 Again. A friend of mine caught me. And boy was that an awkward conversation. But after pretending like I didn’t know how it got there at first, I finally came clean. These days, I’m lucky if he returns one of my texts.
I don’t know if there’s some psychological issues there. If I should look for help. Was I abused as a child? Did I have to role-play in order to get out of traumatic situations? Pretend I was another person? Whatever the case, when two people switch bodies: COUNT ME IN.
Naturally this brings me to today’s script. But first, it brings me to today’s writers. The Change-Up is written by Jon Lucas and Scott Moore, the writers of The Hangover. Now I thought The Hangover was great. One of the best comedy specs in recent history. But I read one of their other scripts, Flypaper, about a couple of groups trying to rob the same bank at the same time, and thought it was one of the worst comedy specs in recent memory. So I really didn’t know what to expect here. Was this going to be Flypaper stupid or Hangover awesome?
Attorney Dave Lockwood is a father of three very young children. Dave therefore spends the majority of his middle nights racing to a crib and settling those kiddies down – getting vomited and pooed on in the process. When no one else is looking, Dave tells others that everybody secretly hates kids, but will never say so because it’s impossible to say you hate kids without looking like a complete asshole. But it’s true, he insists, everybody secretly thinks it. Of course, Dave doesn’t really hate his kids. He also doesn’t really hate his slave-driver of a wife. It’s just that a lot of days he wishes he could be single again. No responsibilities and all the time in the world.
On the flip side is Dave’s best friend Mitch Planko. Mitch is an unemployed actor who does the occasional skin-flick before disappearing into his apartment for lots of bong-smoking and booty calls. He lives off his father, who’s secretly ashamed of him, and could very well parlay this lifestyle into his 60s, if life allows for it. Mitch loves his life. But there’s a tiny part of him that secretly wants that stability, that wants someone to love and to be loved back.
One night, Mitch and Dave go to the Dodgers game, get drunk, and start talking about how lucky the other is. Mitch admires how much security Dave has. How he gets to have sex with a hot woman whenever he wants. How rewarding his job is. And Dave admires how Mitch gets to hook up with random girls all he wants, and most importantly, has SO MUCH FREE TIME. While they’re drunk and pissing in a fountain, they accidentally wish for each other’s lives. Naturally, the next morning, they wake up in each other’s bodies.
They figure out what’s happened pretty quickly, and run back to the fountain. But the fountain’s gone. In a page out of Big’s book, it’s been relocated somewhere, and the parks and recs people won’t know where for a few weeks. Immediately, damage control needs to be done. Dave, who’s trying to make partner, has a huge meeting that will likely determine if he gets a promotion. Unfortunately, Mitch, who considers this a great acting opportunity, will have to go to this meeting instead. And Mitch just got a huge Skinemax film, which, of course, Dave will have to do. Dave is quite possibly the worst actor in the history of the planet, so that’s going to be interesting.
After that craziness, the two try to tell Jamie, Dave’s wife, what happened, but of course she doesn’t believe them (in a clever scene where Dave demands Jamie ask him three things only he would know – only to see him, in classic man fashion, not know the answer to any of them). That means they’ll have to officially become each other. Mitch, as catastrophic as this sounds, will have to take care of Dave’s kids and wife, while Dave is tasked with keeping the most important booty call ever – the craziest wildest sex Mitch has ever had: Tatiana – in Mitch’s rolodex.
At first things are bumpy, but then the two start to hit a stride and actually enjoy each other’s lives. Mitch likes the idea of actually connecting with people, and taking care of a family is way more rewarding than he ever thought it could be (even if he is telling Dave’s 5 year old daughter to solve all her problems with violence) and Dave is finally loosening up – dating his super hot secretary who he’s always had a crush on. Obviously, this can’t go on forever, but while it does go on, it’s pretty damn fun.
This may or may not surprise you after the opening of my review, but The Change-Up has about as perfect of an execution as you can have for a high-concept comedy. Whether you love or hate body switch movies is up to you, but as far as HOW THEY EXECUTED the idea, they pretty much did it flawlessly. They mine the concept for everything it’s worth (numerous fish-out-of-water sequences putting both characters in situations they’re not qualified for), they have character arcs for both characters (Dave has to learn how to not be so uptight – Mitch has to learn how to be responsible), the three act structure emerges beautifully here. And most importantly, both characters are funny (of course this last part is a matter of opinion). Especially Mitch.
Here’s what confuses me though. Friday I talked about a comedy that didn’t try to be new in any way. And yet there’s nothing that new about The Change-Up either. Yet I was laughing all the way through it. And I realized that there’s a variable I often forget about when it comes to comedy: familiarity. Audiences laugh at characters dealing with familiar situations because they too have encountered those situations. They know exactly what those characters are going through. Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm based their entire shows around this.
But this works in complete opposition to my theory that “you gotta make things different” to stand out in the comedy world. How can you make something familiar different? I think that’s the big question. Otherwise, I’m just throwing around contradictory advice. If anyone has an opinion on this, I’d love to hear it. Because I did find myself laughing at actor Mitch trying to fake his way through Dave’s attorney meeting, even though I pretty much knew exactly what happen in the scene.
One of the big differences may just be the funiness factor. If an unfunny writer writes a comedy that’s totally different from any other comedy out there, it’s still not going to be as funny as a familiar comedy where the writer IS funny. I mean I thought Mitch was a really funny character with some great lines. Whether it’s telling Jamie that he thinks one of the twins looks “downsy” or his intense description of “nose-bleed sex” with Tatiana, he pushes the envelope just enough to keep you laughing. It seems like so many of these characters are of the safe “PG-13” variety. It was nice to see someone in a supposed “family comedy” saying shit your insane best friend might say in real life. So maybe “just being funny” supercedes all rules. Of course that doesn’t help us, because everyone thinks they’re funny. So to give unfunny people who think they’re funny free rein to do whatever they want is probably a bad idea. I don’t know. As is usual, I still haven’t figured out what makes a great comedy spec great yet. There’s too much subjectivity involved.
Structurally, the only real fault in The Change-Up is the end of Act 2. As I was discussing in my 2nd Act article a couple of weeks back, you have to gently ease into that “lowest point” that is the 2nd act ending, which usually takes about 15 pages. Here, one second they’re happy as clams with their new lives, the next they realize it’s all really bad and they need to switch back. Nothing convinced me that that change needed to come, so it was the lone execution error in the entire script.
But outside of that, this script was just fun and funny. And maybe I’m on an island here because I’m a closet body change up lover, but I thought that even if you don’t like these kinds of movies, you have to admit that this was done about as well as it could be.
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[x] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: This is an oldie but goodie. In these types of comedies, MAKE SURE YOUR CHARACTERS ARE LEARNING SOMETHING ALONG THE WAY. The journey they’re on has to test their flaws. Mitch is irresponsible so his journey (being a lawyer, raising a family) tests his responsibility. Dave is too wound up so his journey (having all the time in the world, having the freedom to do whatever he wants) tests how well he can loosen up. When they switch back, they’re better people. That may seem pat, but you’re not writing The Godfather here. You’re writing a high concept comedy. These character arcs are a requirement.
Genre: Comedy
Premise: (actual logline sent) Two slackers get a job at a funeral home, but accidentally misplace the body of a distinguished senator and get wrapped up in a wild chase trying to find it in time for the funeral.
About: George Chatzigeorgiou, the writer, is from Greece. Yeah baby. Scriptshadow goes international today. — Every Friday, I review a script from the readers of the site. If you’re interested in submitting your script for an Amateur Review, send it in PDF form, along with your title, genre, logline, and why I should read your script to Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Keep in mind your script will be posted in the review (feel free to keep your identity and script title private by providing an alias and fake title).
Writer: George Chatzigeorgiou
Details: 104 pages
Yes, I’m a broken record. But I’m going to say it again.
Comedy is hard.
It’s really hard. And I think there’s a reason that even though comedy is the most reviewed genre on Amateur Fridays, no comedy scripts made it into the Amateur Top 5, and only 2 made it into the Top 11. Everybody tends to think they’re funnier than they actually are. I mean, I think I’m hilarious. But the other day when I cracked what I believed to be a 5 star knee-slapper at the Cleaners, I didn’t get so much as a smile from the cashier (my joke was that her shirt looked an awful lot like a shirt they had lost of mine a year ago). Of course I don’t think she spoke English, but you get the point. Most people tend to overestimate their FV (funniness value).
Combine that with the fact that it takes awhile to learn how to be funny within the confines of a screenplay, and you get a glut of comedy specs that elicit, at most, a couple of chuckles per 100 pages. I still don’t think there’s any worse reading experience than a comedy that isn’t funny. Because you realize it isn’t funny somewhere around page 7, but then still have to trudge through another 103 pages. Knowing that the primary purpose of the script is to make you laugh, and that it will never succeed at that…Well, it’s pretty depressing.
But a very good sign is if the logline itself has FV. And that’s what happened here. I was all set to review a script with a dinosaur in it (I’ll be reviewing that next week) until I read this logline and started laughing. Since that rarely happens, I had to read the script. So, with that said, did Dead Ahead live up to its logline? Or did it die a humorless death?
20-something Andrew Buchanan is a slacker. Doesn’t have a job. Doesn’t have ambition. Actually, he does want to be a comic book artist, but every chance he gets to show his work to his comic book idols, he chickens out.
There’s only one person who’s an even bigger slacker than Andrew, and that’s his friend Max. Max is the worst kind of slacker. The kind who actually works TO STAY a slacker. That’s right. He’s so lazy that he actually works his ass off so that he doesn’t have to work. See his father keeps setting up interviews for him, and in order to keep from getting hired, he blows into the interviews intentionally looking like a moron. That way he gets to keep surfing on daddy’s dime.
Anyway, Max’s dad has had enough. He bypasses the interview process and actually gets Max (and Andrew) a job at a funeral home. They’re both mortified, but they don’t have any choice but to take it. And to make matters worse, on the very first day of work, they’re assigned to transport a dead California senator’s body to Los Angeles for his funeral.
But when they stop off for a quick errand, the van disappears. They find out it’s been towed, hurry over to the local impound lot, pay to get their van back, but upon doing so, find out the body’s gone. Uh oh. This can’t be good. They do some digging and find out the Senator’s wife may have taken the body, but when they get to her, she says she has no idea what they’re talking about (and also seems decidedly blase about her husband’s death).
They follow the trail to the Senator’s mistress, who’s a few feet shallow of a cemetery plot, and find out she’s running around town with the senator. With the DEAD SENATOR. She’s so crazy she thinks he’s still alive. Somewhere in the midst of all this, the buddies meet super hot wanna be journalist Kailin, who has a really overbearing boyfriend, Garrett, who’s convinced she’s banging some guy with a bigger dick. Andrew instantly falls in love with Kailin, but has to fend off the always nearby Garrett.
Somewhere amongst all of this (and the reason Kailin joins them) is a USB flash drive that the Senator had on him before he died. There must be some really important information on that drive since everybody – including some unsavory criminal types – are looking for the body just as feverishly as our heroes. Somehow Andrew and Max will have to get it together, stop being such slackers, and get the dead Senator to Los Angeles in time for the funeral, and before this crazy cast of loonies stops them.
So what did I think of Dead Ahead? Well I thought there were some good things about it. Structurally, it’s near perfect. We have a clear goal – get the dead body from point A to point B. We have a ticking time bomb – get it there before the funeral. We have conflict – the worst possible guys for the job are in charge. We have obstacles – Criminal types/Evil boyfriends. We have characters with some depth – Andrew lacks courage and Max resists responsibility. So at the core I would say George really knew what he was doing.
However, I’m afraid to say I didn’t laugh that much. And I’m not sure why (but I have some ideas). One of the things that’s REALLY important in any script, but especially a formulaic comedy, is that the choices be unique. The reason being that the FORMULA aspect of your script is your constant. It’s the thing that makes it just like every other comedy, albeit necessary to focus the story. Therefore all the variables have to feel different in some way. Otherwise EVERYTHING is familiar. And that’s the problem here. The details feel too familiar. For example, it seems like every comedy writer is including the Eastern European thug character who speaks funny English. I’d actually read a similar character 2 hours prior to reading this in another comedy (I’ll be reviewing that script Monday).
The crazy mistress character dragging a dead body around had potential, but again, I’ve seen that before. In Weekend At Bernie’s and that John Candy movie (somebody help me out here). And the USB McGuffin also felt a little stale. I just feel like more chances needed to be taken. This comedy is way ahead of the pack due to George’s understanding of structure, but once you get the structure down, you have to take everything else to the next level. You’re never going to come up with something completely original. But if you can make each choice just a little different than what’s come before it, your movie will seem fresh. Take The Hangover for instance. I can’t remember any previous movie where a naked Chinese guy jumped out of a trunk. Or guys woke up in Vegas with a tiger in their bathroom. Or our main characters had to schlep around a baby (in this particular situation). All those little choices are what separate your movie from the rest.
Another thing I realized about these comedies is how dependent they are on the “crazy” character. If your crazy character isn’t pushing the envelope, isn’t nuts or super funny in some unique way, your script has an uphill battle. In The Hangover, Zach G. is responsible for like 70% of the funny shit in that movie. And the reason is, they’re constantly pushing the envelope with him. He ruffies his friends. He mimes a baby jacking itself off. He screams “I hate Godzilla” when a naked Chinese man comes near him. Max was fine in this movie. He had a few good lines. But not once did he push the envelope. Not once did he do something I’d never seen before. I just think the“crazy” character is a big source of your comedy. He’s your home-run hitter. Your big RBI guy. He’s gotta deliver.
I will say, however, there was one hilarious scene with Max where I couldn’t stop laughing. Kailin’s psycho boyfriend Garrett is chasing them in a car, and for the 20th consecutive hour accusing Kailin of cheating on him and giving (just because he’s the nearest guy to her) Max a blowjob. Kailin finally cracks and to piss him off, claims, YES, SHE DID GIVE HIM A BLOWJOB!! She starts miming the blow job for Garrett’s benefit, who’s mortified that his worst nightmares has come true. But then Max starts getting into the fake blowjob and starts directing her on what to do (“could you bite it a little?”). Kailin gets a little carried away and screams to Garrett that she sucked Andrew’s dick too, and is now miming a double blow job, which Andrew, who’s sitting in the back seat, starts feeling really uncomfortable by, and he’s telling her to stop. It was just a really funny scene and gave me hope that George does have comedy chops.
But all in all, this script needs to dig deeper on its choices. We’re like 2 or 3 choices down with a lot of these comedy bits. We need to go 6 or 7 choices down. But the good news is that the foundation is there. It’s a perfect comedy premise. That’s why I picked it. So I hope George figures it out in the next draft.
Script link: Dead Ahead
[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Try to match up your character’s biggest fear with the task at hand. For example, Andrew has a fear of dead bodies. So what does he have to do? Transport a dead body. There’s a side-tip to this though. Don’t bury that fear amongst a bunch of other fears, or else the fear becomes negligible. Andrew’s ALSO afraid of a million other things, so the fear of dead bodies doesn’t resonate with the audience. I’d suggest stripping away all those other fears, just focusing on the fear of dead bodies, and then mine that fear as much as possible (he has to move the dead body, touch the dead body, undress and re-dress the dead body, pretend he’s the dead body, etc.).
Welcome. Come one. Come all. To the Second Not Exactly Annual Reader Top 25 List. It’s been awhile since our first list. All you need to do is read through it to see that. Most of the scripts on there have already been made. Which means it’s facelift time. Now, as far as what this list is, it is a list of the Scriptshadow Readers Top 25 favorite screenplays. The only stipulation is that the movie can’t have hit theaters yet. So produced screenplays are eligible.
As for how the voting went, pay close attention because it’s a little confusing. I polled roughly 250 readers. Each reader sent me their Top 10 list. Every script on that list was assigned a point value of 1-10 depending on its placement. 1st place votes got 10 points. 2nd place votes got 9 points. 3rd place votes got 8 points. And so on down the line. I then added all those points together to determine the scripts’ standing. There’s a small twist. Anybody who had read more than 300 scripts in their life got double points. So their first place votes counted for 20 points, their second place points 18, etc. There were roughly 50 people who had read more than 300 scripts.
But none of that stuff is interesting to you right now. You want results. Just make sure you stick around afterwards . Because at the end of the list, you’ll find the TOP 5 AMATEUR SCRIPTS REVIEWED ON SCRIPTSHADOW. Yes, we voted on those too. And I think the Top 5 are quite good. Anyway, let’s get to the lists!
#25 (94 pts) College Republicans
Writer: Wes Jones
Premise: Aspiring politician Karl Rove runs a dirty campaign for the national College Republican Chairman under the guidance of Lee Atwater, his campaign manager.
About: Number 1 on the 2010 Black List. Shia LaBeouf is rumored to be up for the part of Karl Rove. The rest of the internet is reporting this as a comedy. But I don’t remember laughing. In fact, I don’t remember really connecting with it at all. Then again, this isn’t my list, it’s yours!
#24 (100 pts) The Voices
Writer: Michael R. Perry
Premise: A disturbed man with a good heart is tormented by his talking pets, who convince him to do things he’d rather not do.
About: This one is number 5 on my list. It also finished number 3 on the 2009 Black List. Last I heard Ben Stiller is still connected to the project. Michael R. Perry recently penned the Paranormal Activity 2 script. Which is of course a LIE because that movie is REAL!
#23 (102 pts) L.A. Rex
Writer: Will Beall (based on his novel)
Premise: Rookie LAPD officer Ben Halloran gets partnered with scarred and tobacco-spitting Officer Marquez, and the unlikely team hit the streets of L.A. on the brink of a gang-rivalry explosion amid run-ins with the Mexican mafia, brutal gang murders, and corrupt cops.
About: Will Beall’s been writing a lot of stuff lately. And I know Roger really dug this. But I took one look at the 18,000 pages with dual line dialogue and said “no thank you.” Plus the premise sounded too scattershot to me. I like my crime movies simple. Like Training Day. Still, lots of people seem to like this one.
#22 (116 pts) The Muppet Man
Writer: Christopher Weekes
Premise: A look at the final weeks of Jim Henson’s life, the creator of the most famous puppet franchise of all time, The Muppets.
About: Number 1 on the 2009 Black List. The script actually sold to the Henson company, though it’s not clear if they bought it to make or to make sure it wouldn’t get made. It’s a pretty intense look at the muppet creator and that may scare them. The ending here made me cry like a baby. An interesting script indeed.
#21 (136 pts) After Hailey
Writer: Scott Frank (based on a novel by Jonathan Tropper)
Premise: After a newlywed war photographer’s wife dies, he must decide whether to help out her troubled son from a previous marriage or move on and start a new life.
About: This is one of the more famous unmade scripts in Hollywood. Everyone seems to read it expecting nothing, then comes out of it floored – turning people into After Hailey converts. Not sure what the status is, but I have a hard time believing this won’t get made at some point. It’s better than almost all of the other character pieces out there. The next The Kids Are All Right.
#20 (140 pts) Father Daughter Time
Writer: Matthew Aldrich
Premise: A man goes on the lam with his daughter on a 3-state crime spree.
About: This is the script that caused that big bidding war a few months ago and the brouhaha between Matt Damon and Warners. He wanted to develop it himself to direct. Then Warners tried to outbid him. Then they both agreed to work on it together, though it’s unclear if Damon is completely happy with that arrangement (studio interference is never a good thing for creatvity). I still haven’t read the script, but it seems to be popular. A lot of readers have personally told me how much they like it. Supposedly John Krasinski is Damon’s pick to star? I guess that’s one way to get out of the office.
#19 (143 pts) Seven Psychopaths
Writer: Martin McDonagh
Premise: A writer’s life is violently turned upside down when his friends kidnap a Mafioso’s dog.
About: “Seven Psychopaths” is McDonagh’s third film script. It’s his favorite unproduced script. At the age of 27, McDonagh became the first writer since Shakespeare to have four plays performed simultaneously in London. His plays have been nominated for multiple Tony Awards. He won an Oscar for his short, “Six Shooter”. He was also nominated for a Best Original Screenplay Oscar with “In Bruges”. I personally have never read this script. So I can’t offer any opinions on it. As much as this will piss everyone off, I never understood the love for In Bruges, so I never sought 7Psyche out.
Writer: Martin McDonagh.
#18 (155 pts) The F Word
Writer: Elan Mastai
Premise: A guy begins hanging out with a girl under the pretense that she’s single, only to later find out she has a boyfriend.
About: This one’s been talked about ad nauseam on the site so I won’t bore you with any more chatter. If you’d like to learn more about it, check out the review and then check out the interview I did with the writer, Elan.
#17 (170 pts) Gangster Squad
Writer: Will Beall
Premise: A chronicle of the LAPD’s fight to keep East Coast Mafia types out of Los Angeles in the 1940s and 50s.
About: Warners is really high on this one and everyone tells me it’s great. I still haven’t read it yet though, and that’s because I still can’t get past the thought of those entire acts shown through dual-side dialogue in Beall’s other script, L.A. Rex. I imagine it taking me like 6 hours to read the script. Still, that’s pretty impressive. Two scripts on the Reader Top 25. Beall is definitely a writer to watch out for. Ryan Gosling will star. Ruben Fleischer, director of Zombieland, is attached to direct this one. Help me out here. Is this a comedy?
#16 (173 pts) All You Need Is Kill
Writer: Dante Harper (based on the Japanese novel by Hiroshi Sakurazaka)
Premise: A young soldier on an alien planet is forced to fight an impossible battle against an alien force every single day as if the previous day didn’t exist. In doing so, he becomes an ultimate warrior.
About: This was a seven figure spec deal from last year. It’s stayed with me since I read it and could contain some of the most outrageous action sequences ever put on film. Who’s going to figure out how to pull those scenes off though is anyone’s guess. I know Doug Liman was attached to this for awhile but I don’t know who’s onboard currently.
#15 (199 pts) Dogs Of Babel
Writer: Jamie Linden (based on the novel by Carolyn Parkhurst)
Premise: When a dog is the only witness to a woman’s death, her husband tries to teach the dog how to talk so he can find out what happened to her.
About: Number 1 on the Carson Top 25! Woo-hoo! Since reviewed on Scriptshadow, Steve Carrell became attached to this project. It’s time for Steve to stop messing around and admit he’s a Scriptshadow fan since he attaches himself to half the projects I review on here. Come on Steven. Fess up.
#14 (211 pts) Mixtape
Writer: Stacy Menear
Premise: A thirteen year old outcast finds a mixtape that belonged to her deceased parents, accidentally destroys it, and must use the song list to find all the music.
About: Finished with 14 votes on 2009’s Black List. Seth Gordon was attached to direct and Chloe Moretz was attached to star but since then, both of their careers have shot into the stratosphere so I don’t know if they’re still planning to make this. But SOMEONE needs to make this. Get on it Hollywood. Ya jackals.(read an interview I did with Stacy here)
#13 (224 pts) Roundtable
Writer: Brian K. Vaughn
Premise: Merlin assembles a group of modern-day knights to battle a resurrected ancient evil, but all that’s available are an alcoholic ex-Olympian, a geriatric actor, a grumpy billionaire, and a nerdy scientist.
About: This one’s been called the next Ghostbusters…well…since before Ghostbusters. Of all of Vaughn’s scripts, this one holds the most promise by far, but for whatever reason is stuck in development hell. One of these days a Hollywood exec should create a development heaven. Just to make people feel a little better about their projects. Ya know?
#12 (257 pts) Tell No One
Writers: Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman
Premise: A widowed social worker receives a strange message that forces him to reevaluate what happened the day his wife was murdered.
About: Hollywood’s so out of ideas these days that they’re actually adapting something that was made in another country that was adapted from their own country. What’s next? As I mentioned yesterday, Ben Affleck is now directing this, and he’s using Argo screenwriter Chris Terrio to rewrite it for him. Which, you know, is so Hollywood. Cause they can’t just use the script that’s already awesome. Maybe Terrio was hired to get rid of all of Orci and Kurtzaman’s underlining and italics?
#11 (262 pts) Nautica (aka “Riptide”)
Writer: Richard McBrien
Premise: An investigator tries to solve a murder case on a ship that involves a handyman, a young stock broker and the stock broker’s girlfriend. We shift back and forth through points of view to tell the story.
About: Nautica was originally written and sold back in 2001 and was going to be directed by Tarsem Singh. Right now, Brad Pitt and Shia Labeouf are rumored to play roles in the film. I’ve heard that this movie is moving forward, but you never can tell these days. Count this as the biggest surprise of the list. I did not know there was so much love for Nautica.
Writer: Richard McBrien
#10 (315 pts) Safe House
Writer: David Guggenheim
Premise: When a group of villains destroy a CIA-operated safe house, the facility’s young house-sitter must work to move the criminal who’s being hidden there to another secure location.
About: This was one of those dream spec situations. It sold for a bunch of money then went on the fast track to a green light. It’s now starring Denzel Washington and Ryan Reynolds, even though I coulda swore they just co-starred in that movie Unstoppable. They should think of combining these two movies into something called “The Unstoppable House.” It would be about a “wide load” freeway house that’s on a rampage to kill every car on the road. Throw in a chimpanzee and you’re talking half a billion worldwide at least.
#9 (388 pts) Seeking A Friend At The End Of The World
Writer: Lorene Scafaria
Premise: A lonely man meets up with a strange woman a week before the earth is to be destroyed by an asteroid.
About: Lorene was able to nab Steve Carrell and Keira Knightly to star in this, her directing debut. The film is shooting right now. Since she only has one produced credit, this just shows you the power of a great script. Write one and who knows, you could be directing Steve Carrell (or even better – Ryan Reynolds!) in four months.
#8 (440 pts) Django Unchained
Writer: Quentin Tarantino
Premise: A slave-turned-bounty hunter sets out to rescue his wife from the brutal Calvin Candie, a Mississippi plantation owner.
About: Still haven’t read this one and don’t know if I will. Might just wait for the film. What a cast, huh? DiCaprio. Sam Jackson, Waltz, Kevin Costner, Jamie Foxx. This was pretty much a no-brainer for the Top 10.
#7 (507 pts) Passengers
Writer: Jon Spaihts
Premise: A spacecraft transporting thousands of people to a distant planet has a malfunction in one of its sleep chambers. As a result, a single passenger is awakened 90 years before anyone else. Faced with the prospect of growing old and dying alone, he wakes up a second passenger whom he’s fallen in love with.
About: Didn’t like this one initially but must admit, it’s grown on me. It’s basically like Titanic on a spaceship, but with the weird twist of it not being anything like that. I hope they make this cause it will be one of the more interesting movies of the decade.
#6 (537 pts) Drive
Writer: Hossein Amini (adapted from the novel by James Sallis)
Premise: A stunt driver moonlighting as a getaway driver gets caught up in a job that’s over his head.
About: Nicolas Winding Refn directs Ryan Gosling. This film won best director at Cannes. It is in my personal Top 10. It’s a sweet script. But I never read the 98 page version. I only read the 120+ behemoth. So it’ll be interesting to see what they cut out.
#5 (565 pts) The Grey
Writers: Joe Carnahan and Ian Mackenzie Jeffers (based on the short story ‘Ghost Walkers’ by Ian Mackenzie Jeffers)
Premise: A group of oil drillers on a plane ride home, crash in the arctic tundra, where they become hunted by a vicious pack of overgrown wolves.
About: Good news. Carnahan has already gone and shot this movie and I’m hearing good things. It stars Liam Neeson in the title role. Not much else to say other than give me my plane crash with a side order of WOLF KILLINGS!
#4 (571 pts) Untitled Chef Project
Writer: Steven Knight
Premise: A selfish workaholic chef tries to get back into the restaurant game after a much publicized meltdown years ago.
About: One of the best leading man roles available in a screenplay at this moment and time. Yet nobody’s taking it. Why? I’m guessing cause the script is wrapped up in too much money? Anyway, Mr. Fincher, if you’re not going to make this, please let someone else make it. (you can find this script online by searching for the title and “pdf”)
#3 (599 pts) The Brigands Of Rattleborge
Writer: S. Craig Zahler
Premise: A group of bandits use the cover of a torrential thunderstorm to rob the occupants of a small town.
About: Revenge on the brain? I should think so. Brigands got new life when it was re-optioned last year. But we’re still waiting for this potential classic to hit production. If Untitled Chef Project has the best leading man role in a script right now, this one has 1a. Abraham will be a classic character for whomever plays him. In the meantime, pop in that old copy of Once Upon On A Time In The West. We have a year or two ahead of us before this sees movement.
#2 (607 pts) Smoke and Mirrors
Writers: Lee and Janet Scott Batchler
Premise: The reclusive “Father of Modern Magic”, Jean Eugene Robert-Houdin, is called upon by the French government to debunk an Algerian sorcerer who is using his feats of magic to spearhead a civil war.
About: This script sold for 1 million bucks back in 1994. It’s always been a town favorite and at one point Steven Spielberg was attached. It was one of those movies that felt like a sure thing, but then actors kept dropping out and eventually the buzz died. Now it’s just stuck in that weird purgatory, where people still love the script, but they consider it a relic of the 90s. I still haven’t read it yet but I will one of these days. :)
#1 (648 pts) Killing On Carnival Row
Writer: Travis Beacham
Premise: In the city of The Burgue, a police inspector pursues a serial killer who is targeting fairies.
About: And so it is! Carnival Row takes the number one spot! True I never got into this, but it seems to capture the hearts of film geeks everywhere. I doth not protest. I do think it would be a great film to make, especially with Del Toro doing the directing, but he’s so swamped with shit that that’s probably not going to happen. Let’s hope some talented new director jumps in and makes this happen. I can still see the trailer in my head.
And NOW, for the list you’ve REALLY been waiting for. Yup. It’s time for the AMATEUR TOP 5. Pfft, screw that whole Professional Top 25 shit. This is the real deal. To give you some perspective, there have been around 60 amateur scripts reviewed since the birth of Scriptshadow. Roughly 45 people voted for their Top 5. Scripts just missing the cut were Wrong Number, Disappearing World, Real Men Play Futebol, 360, Bass Champion, and Tribute. Here, now, are the Top 5. And the great thing about these five? You can download the scripts inside the reviews! So hop on over there and start reading yourselves. Drumroll please……
#5 (29 points) The Black Soul Of Elijah Harden
Writer: E. Joshua Eanes
Premise: Days away from his execution, the most notorious man in America awakens with amnesia and quickly discovers that his condition might be the result of more than a seizure induced head injury.
About: Readers complained of its messiness, but there was no doubt that this script had something. If Josh can sharpen up the edges, not gloss over the details, it could be a really cool screenplay. One of the few amateur scripts to get a “worth the read” on the site.
#4 (41 points) The Sleep Of Reason
Writer: Lee Matthias
Premise: After his wife goes missing, a man heads to the darkest reaches of Transylvania to find her.
About: This one is slow going, but it’s rich with detail and probably my personal favorite Amateur Friday script. I feel like if Matthias can loosen up his writing style so that the description isn’t so dense, this script will be easier to read, and therefore gain more fans.
#3 (44 points) Alien Diaries
Writer: Glenn J. Devlin
Premise: A book appraiser working at an old farm mansion finds a diary that implies the family who used to live there 200 years ago may have come in contact with a crashed alien ship.
About: There’s no doubt Glenn has one of the best loglines out there. It’s got him a ton of reads. But the story itself is a tough one to tell, and to be honest, I’m still not sure how I would tell it myself. But if he can somehow crack this, it’s got the kind of hook that could lead to a big sale.
#2 (62 points) The Bridge
Writers: Dominic Morgan & Matt Cameron Harvey
Premise: A convict and a construction crew inadvertently spark a gun battle when they rescue a woman on the run from her violent husband and his dangerous associates. Trapped on a mile-long bridge and cut off from the outside world, they have to band together to survive a 5 hour siege.
About: I’m going to tell you why this was number two on the list. Because even if you didn’t love it, you could see it as a movie. And that’s more important than you know. There are a lot of good ideas out there that don’t necessarily make good movies. This is something you can imagine making it to the big screen.
#1 (75 points) The Imagineer
Writer: Brendan Lee
Premise: The life story of one of the most creative minds of all time, Walt Disney.
About: Being a non-biopic guy, Brendan knew getting me to like this would be an uphill battle. And ultimately those biopic tropes did keep me from appreciating it as much as it probably deserved. But I’m so glad I reviewed it anyway because it’s connected with so many people. I know Brendan was offered a new job due to the The Imagineer review on Scriptshadow, and maybe this number one all time Amateur Scriptshadow ranking will lead to even more success. Congrats Brendan! Your peers have spoken. :)
And that’s it my friends. Feel free to discuss! Also, for you amateur writers who placed or finished in the Top 5, many members have e-mailed me wishing to hear your follow-up stories. Where are the scripts now? Give us a breakdown of what’s happened since then. What’s next!? Also, if anyone wants to highlight a great professional script that not many people know about, please do so. Let’s find a few more gems and pull them out of the Hollywood gutter. Let’s put them in Development Heaven.
