It’s “Alternative Draft Week” here at Scriptshadow, where we look at alternative drafts from the movies you loved (or hated). In some cases, these drafts are said to be better, in others, worse, or in others still, just plain different. Either way, it’s interesting to see what could’ve been. Yesterday, Roger reviewed a James Cameron draft of “First Blood 2.” Today, I’m reviewing one of my favorite spec stories of all time, Penn and Leff’s draft of “The Last Action Hero.”

Genre: Action-Comedy
Premise: A high school kid finds himself inside the world of his favorite action star’s new movie. He uses his extensive knowledge of action films to help the hero, Arno Slater, navigate the story and beat the bad guys.
About: Zak Penn and Adam Leff wrote this as their very first screenplay and sold it soonafter. It was subsequently rewritten by Shane Black, which is the draft that made it to theaters. The story goes that those who originally championed the project felt that a cool edgy flick was turned into a silly watered down PG-13 piece of garbage. There are still hurt feelings about the project to this day. Penn has gone on to write the two X-Men sequels, Elektra, and The Incredible Hulk. Leff wrote another script with Penn, PCU, as well as Bio-Dome.
Writers: Zak Penn and Adam Leff
Details: 124 pages (9/9/91 draft)

The Last Action Hero saga is one of my favorite Hollywood stories, and something I’ve written about before. This shows exactly how a seemingly good idea (relatively speaking) can get stirred and shaken and slammed around in Development to the point where it becomes an utter piece of shit, resulting in the kind of movie that convinces the average movie-goer that anyone can write a Hollywood film. For those who don’t know about the way it all went down, settle in and enjoy yourselves. This is a good one.

It all started back in 1991, when Zak Penn and Adam Leff, two college students, thought they could slap together a screenplay and sell it for a million bucks. The idea was to write a screenplay spoofing the action films of the 80s. They called it, “Extremely Violent” and it was about an Arnold Swarchenegger-type action star whose world was rocked when an extremely movie-savvy 15 year old magically crossed from the real world into his film. They thought it would be great to have a guy saying all the things that the audience was thinking, such as, “You should go save your wife now before they use her as a pawn against you later!” Basically the action equivalent of Scream before Scream was made.

The two had one of those “friend of a friend” contacts in the business, who read the script and liked it enough to recommend it to an up-and-coming agent by the name of Chris Moore (yes, Project Greenlight Chris Moore). For those who argue that Hollywood is all a game of luck and chance, this next portion of the story is your ammo. Being Hollywood’s Golden Boy at the time, Moore had hundreds of scripts he was supposed to read, and probably the lowest script on the totem pole was some garbage by a couple of college kids who obviously only got their script on his desk through a friend trying to help them out. Since Moore rarely had any time to read anyway, it was likely this script would never be read. But it just so happened that on that day, his lunch date canceled, and he had nothing to do for an hour. “Extremely Violent” was sitting on the top of the pile, so he thought “What the hell?” picked it up, and started reading it. He instantly fell in love with it. Thought the tone and the story were perfect. And it immediately become his number 1 priority project.

So Penn and Leff got the call of a lifetime (which they, of course, thought was normal, having no Hollywood experience). A big agent loves your script. They’re going to try and sell it. The script goes out, and low and behold, it SELLS for hundreds of thousands of dollars! Two college kids are living the dream. It’s true! Anybody can write a screenplay! (that’s the sound of me sighing)

Zak Penn

But Moore didn’t want to just sell this thing. He wanted to get it made. So began the next step, which was to package the script with the kind of talent that would bring buzz to the project. Of course at that time, there was no bigger name in the writing world than Shane Black, the author of such films as Lethal Weapon and The Last Boy Scout. Now the irony here was that Penn and Leff wrote the script parodying Black’s writing style (in the same way that the movie parodied action films). But all that was white noise. Moore knew if he could get the hot Black onboard in some capacity, the film would have a shot at getting made. So they sent him the script, and low and behold, Shane loved it! He immediately decided he wanted to produce the project.

Now even though Shane was on as producer, the unspoken hope of everyone was that Shane would rewrite it. With Shane being the hottest writer in town, a script written by him was guaranteed to be made. Although Shane resisted at first (he’d never rewritten anyone before) there was a key piece of the puzzle that needed to be addressed. For this project to be a sure-fire go-picture, they needed an A-List star. And the obvious choice to play the main character in the movie was the biggest movie star in the world – Arnold Swarchenegger. The likelihood of Swarchenegger signing on to a script written by two nobodies was slim. But if Shane Black rewrote the script….then maybe – just maybe – they could nab him. And so the rewrite process began.

Everything started off wonderfully. Shane told Penn and Leff that all of their ideas were welcome. He would send them pages, get their take, and a collaborative effort would be made to bring this thing home. After the very first exchange of pages however, Penn was livid. He felt that even in these small doses, Shane had already ruined a lot of the key things that made the script work. After a couple more meetings, things became so heated that fights almost broke out. In retrospect, the reason for this is fairly obvious. You had a writer who had never rewritten anyone before. And you had a writing pair that didn’t understand how the development process worked (just the fact that they were *invited* to participate in the rewrite should’ve been cause for celebration). Since there was obviously no way the project could continue this way, Penn and Leff were told to take a hike.

Here is Penn’s explanation of why the changes Shane made were so terrible…”They added mobsters. They’re taking the movie out of the strict action movie genre and trying to make it a parody of many different kinds of movies. Some of it’s a parody of James Bond movies, some of it’s a parody of action movies, and some of it’s a parody of buddy camp noirish movies. It’s pretty astounding to see how badly they screwed it up,” Penn said, laughing.

Zak felt that Shane shifted the parody of the hero to much more of the Mel Gibson-Bruce Willis archetype. The “wisecracking, angry down-on-his-luck cop, which is a pretty enormous change and pretty much pervades every line of Arnold’s dialogue. I think, frankly, that it hurts the movie tremendously, because the whole point of the movie was the counterpoint between the kid who’s smart and like us, and the other character who’s a fantasy character, who’s an idiot, who’s literally one-dimensional.”

Shane shot back that Penn can say what he wants, but the reality is that his draft is the one that got Arnold on board, and therefore ultimately got the movie made. Now whether the script got Arnold on board because Arnold genuinely liked it, or because Shane was the biggest writer in town and his vision was more trusted, we’ll probably never know (unless anyone’s got a direct line to the Govenator). But this brings up a larger issue, and one of the major failures of the development system – which is letting an actor influence or change key aspects of a story. Most actors don’t understand how to craft a story, just like most writers don’t understand how to craft a performance. Any time you allow an actor to change major story elements, you’re playing with fire, and this is exactly what happened when Swarcheneggar demanded changes.

Shane Black

Arnold was initially disappointed that his character was too “two-dimensional” and wanted his character to be deeper. On the surface this sounds like a smart request. “Three-dimensional character” is a buzzword the industry lives by. But the whole point of Arnold’s character WAS that he was two-dimensional. That’s why he does all these dumb things. That’s why he needs the help of a 15 year old kid. That’s the exact thing the movie is making fun of, the fact that these action characters are so two-dimensional. So by adhering to this request, the writers and producers were knowingly making the movie worse. Of course, what was the alternative? Let the biggest action star in the world walk? Of course not. You gotta do what he says.

The final straw in the original writers’ eyes was to change the kid’s age from 15 to 12. This ended up sanitizing the harder edge they were going for and officially turned the movie into a kiddie film. The thought behind the choice was, younger kid equals broader appeal which equals larger box office, but the opposite actually happened. The audience sniffed out that the producers were trying to please everybody, and stayed away in droves (though I’m not convinced this decision wasn’t influenced by the fact that the John Conner character from Terminator 2 – released just two years prior – was closer in age and tone to the Danny character from Penn and Leff’s draft – maybe they were afraid the characters would come off as too similar?).

But I think the ultimate question here is, was the spec draft really any better than the script that became the film? Or was this a misread from the get-go, a silly idea that never should’ve been turned into a movie in the first place? Interestingly enough, Chris Moore still talks about the project, haunted by the fact that it turned out so bad. He still believes it could be made into a great movie, and looks forward to the day when everyone’s forgotten it, so he can remake the thing and try again.

THE REVIEW

Now I was told the draft I read was the original spec but looking at the title page, it’s titled, “The Last Action Hero.” Since we know the original spec was titled, “Extremely Violent,” this may be one draft removed from that spec. Chances are it was probably an attempt to clean up the script before they sent it out to the big names, like Shane Black. Anyway, something to keep in mind.

“The Last Action Hero” introduces us to 15 year old Danny, a clever but introverted kid who embraces his loner label by escaping into the beautiful city of New York, or, more specifically, an old rundown movie theater where he watches as many movies as they’ll play in a day. His favorite films are those starring super action star “Arno Slater,” whose new movie, “Extremely Violent” is coming out next week.

The reclusive projectionist of the theater (and Danny’s only friend) sets up a private screening for him so he can watch “Extremely Violent” before anyone else. During the screening, a tear in the screen causes a cosmic merging of reality and fantasy and sucks Danny into the very movie he’s watching. Before he knows it, he’s standing right next to his hero, Arno Slater!

The two are immediately attacked by the film-within-a-film’s bad guys, “The Twins,” and not only do the Twins promise to kill Arno, they promise to kill his new friend (Danny) as well! For this reason, Danny and Arno have to stay together so Arno can protect him.

Danny figures this is probably a dream and decides to ride it out. He warns Arno that because of the collateral damage he caused in his previous action scene with The Twins, he’s about to be screamed at by his always-angry captain, but Arno doesn’t know what he’s talking about (he’s a movie character and therefore has no idea what’s coming around the corner, even though it’s obvious to all of us). He’s completely shocked then when they get back to the station and he’s screamed at by his captain! Danny was right! But how did he know that? This is followed by another typically 80s action movie scene where Arno goes home to his purposefully cliché wife who only exists to dress his wounds and tell him everything’s going to be okay.

Danny becomes acutely aware that this world he’s in operates exclusively under movie conventions, and realizes he can prevent a lot of the unnecessary danger and violence that Arno would encounter. He points out that the real issue isn’t the Twins, but the big ultimate conspiracy. If they can figure out the conspiracy now, they don’t even have to deal with The Twins or any other nonsense. In essence, they can cut straight to the end. All this does though is make Arno’s head hurt because he doesn’t think three moves ahead. He thinks like an action-movie hero, in the here and now. And the here and now usually involves shooting a bunch of bad guys and figuring out the consequences later.

This sort of back-and-forth is the central conflict of the story. Danny tries to teach Arno how to think three steps ahead and avoid all unnecessary violence, and Arno resists, preferring to shoot the hell out of anyone who gives him a mean look (again, very similar to Terminator 2, which makes me think that a lot of Black’s changes were out of his hands – he had to make them to differentiate the dynamic between the two films).

The Last Action Hero is actually a good idea for a movie. Part of the fun of watching popcorn films is predicting what’s going to happen next, which, even if you’re a minor movie buff, is fairly easy. To create a character who essentially says what all of us are already thinking is the kind of device that plays well if done right. Especially back in the 80s when every action film was so mindlessly predictable.

But my biggest problem with the script is that it doesn’t take advantage of this opportunity. For example, when Danny and Arno go back to the precinct, Danny observes, “You’re about to get chewed out by your captain.” Where is the drama inherent in a random observation like that? Why aren’t we using Danny’s “powers” to create drama? For instance, it would be much more interesting if, say, he offered: “No no. You can’t go back to the precinct. Your captain’s going to yell at you and take away your badge and then you won’t be able to stay on the case!” Now Arno has to make a decision. Does he listen to the kid or ignore him? Because a choice is involved, the moment is dramatic. Same goes for the following wound-dressing scene. It’s sorta funny to see a paper-thin female lead exist only to dress Arno’s wounds, but if it’s just observational, then all we’re doing is spoofing action flicks a la “Scary Movie.” Danny doesn’t even need to be there for that. And if Danny doesn’t need to be there, what’s the point of having him in the first place?

This eventually changes later in the script when Danny starts calling the shots. He tells Arno they need to go get his wife so the bad guys can’t use her as a pawn later (which is kinda funny because the wife is so used to being used as a pawn that she actually resists being protected before she needs to be). And then, instead of going into a lair full of bad guys where he’ll surely get hurt, Danny advises Arno to go to a public place and call 50 policeman for backup so there’s no way the bad guys can possibly hurt him. Now we’re taking advantage of the concept, but it was a full 75 pages into the story, and in my opinion, too late. By that point, I’d checked out.

I’m also surprised, taking into account the nature of the story, Penn was so pissed about Black’s decision to turn Arno into more of a “Gibson/Willis” archetype. Swarchenegger wasn’t known for being a cop in his films, so the fact that Penn and Leff made him one already went against how we identify Swarchenegger. So Black extending that into the Gibson/Willis arena was at the very least a natural progression of what they’d already started.

Anyway, my guess is that “The Last Action Hero” is one of those scripts that was lucky to be written in the golden age of specs, when a great concept was all you needed for a sale. It likely wouldn’t have a chance in today’s stingy market. Though in fairness you could say that about most specs of yesteryear.

So which draft do you like better? Or should this script even have been purchased in the first place?

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Well first of all, I think you need to exploit your concept to the fullest. Whenever you come up with a great movie idea, you want to sit down and write out all the possible scenarios that will best take advantage of that idea, then include all the “hits” from that list in your script. But because this script is really about deconstructing clichés, it’s a good reminder to always perform a “cliché check” run-through of your script. Read through it with the specific intent of asking yourself at every stage, “Will the audience know what scene is next?” “Will the audience know what line is next?” Because stories have a certain pattern, there is going to be an inherent predictability to your story. But the key moments should be unexpected and original.

For those who want to hear Zak’s reaction to the ordeal, follow this link.

The story behind “The Last Action Hero” comes from the book, “The Big Deal,” by Thom Taylor, which details the development process on a number of spec screenplays. You can find the book on Amazon here.

Welcome to Alternative Draft Week. Wahhhoooo! This week, we’re going to be tackling different drafts of movies you know that, for one reason or another, weren’t chosen as the coveted “Shooting Draft.” Some might shock you. Some have great stories behind them. And there might be a surprise or two. Roger’s going to get us started with a draft of First Blood 2 by…James Cameron??? Hell yes he is. In the meantime, if you haven’t already, get your votes in for your Top Ten Favorite Scripts.

Genre: Action
Premise: Released from prison by Federal Order, John Rambo returns to Vietnam so he can document the possible existence of POWs for the CIA. Refusing to merely photograph the evidence and let the US Government sweep the issue under the rug, Rambo makes it his personal mission to free the POWs. By any means necessary.
About: One of James Cameron’s first professional screenwriting jobs. The story goes is that Cameron had three desks set up in his house, where he was working on three different screenplays at once. At one desk, he was writing The Terminator. On another, he was writing Aliens. And at the third desk, he was writing this, First Blood 2: The Mission.
Writer: James Cameron

“Rambo: First Blood Part 2” is the bloodstained crown jewel of my 80s Action DVD collection. The finale is like the third act of Avatar in the Vietnamese jungle, but instead of Jake Sully and the thousands of Na’vi it’s just the one man army himself, John Rambo, mass-murdering the VC and Soviets in increasingly entertaining ways. It’s such a chaotic crescendo of violence it’s hard to pull your eyes away the first time you’re watching it (but why would you want to?).

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[x] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Planting and payoffs. There’s a moment in this story where Co infiltrates the internment camp by pretending to be a prostitute. It’s how she’s able to aid Rambo in his escape. Sounds a bit outlandish right? Why does it work? Because earlier, when our heroes first make it to the camp, they see that there’s a prostitute on bicycle propositioning the guards. They let her in. This is a case where a solution was planted in the plot early in the script. It lays the groundwork in the audience’s mind for what’s to come, and it pays off when Co uses it as a ruse. Do you have payoffs in your scripts without planting? Look through them. Without proper planting, those pay-off moments will come off as plot glitches.

Friday is here, which means it’s time to celebrate our successful writing brethren. Some interesting stuff here. I always wondered why no one had adapted Myst yet. Of all the stupid things studios have chosen to adapt, Myst is probably the most cinematic and obvious choice for a video game adaptation as you can have. So Fincher has attached himself to “Pawn Sacrifice.” Bobby Fischer is an interesting character for sure but is he too complex for a movie of his life? Lots of ways to go with that story and I’m not convinced, after the first draft, that they know where to take it. Guggenheim is doing what all of us hope to do, which is once you sell that spec, capitalize on your earlier work. Can’t tell if it’s something serious or Home Alone in a police station but good for him. 2008 Nicholl winner “Butter” will finally make it to the big screen. Not a fan of the script but the writer is a really nice guy so I’m rooting for it. I’ve also included the release of the new Predators trailer. I don’t know about you but there’s something very light-weight about the concept for me. The guys are thrown on a planet to be hunted by Predators? Too easy. I feel like a bunch of 12 year olds goofing around at a birthday party could’ve come up with that idea. I was hoping for something a little more complex from Rodriquez. Anyway, here’s Jessica Hall with the rundown! :)

There’s an unconfirmed rumor floating around that Warner Bros. just took the rights to the MYST franchise. The 1993 video game puts the player in the role of the Stranger, who uses a special book to travel to the island of Myst.

David Fincher (CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON) is set to direct 2009 Black List scrip PAWN SACRIFICE. Steven Knight’s drama, starring Toby Maguire, tells the story of chess icon Bobby Fischer leading up to his historic world championship match against Boris Spassky. (http://bit.ly/ca17e6)

Newbie writer David Guggenheim sold his second project of 2010. The writer, who sold SAFE HOUSE to Universal back in February, found himself in another bidding war over PUZZLE PALACE. The teen thriller pitch landed at Summit with Temple Hill to produce, reportedly for high six-figures. Story follows a kid who gets locked in a police station trying to steal evidence and has to escape crooked cops to get out. (http://bit.ly/b2yMMH)

Summit also picked up a pitch by Cory Goodman (PRIEST). Timur Bekmambetov (WANTED) is attached to direct THE LAST WITCH HUNTER about one of the last witch hunters, a breed that keeps the population of witches and warlocks in check, who must stop a sudden population boom in the witches’ ranks. (http://bit.ly/aFNIsu)

2008 Black List script BUTTER is finally headed into production next month with The Weinstein Co. joining Michael De Luca Prods. and Vandalia Films. Jennifer Garner will star and Jim Field Smith (SHE’S OUT OF MY LEAGUE) will direct from the script by Jason Micallef. (http://bit.ly/cquF1e)

Richard Price (RANSOM) will do a production pass on COLD LIGHT OF DAY before Marbrouk El Mechri (JCVD) directs. Original script was by Scott Wiper and John Petro about a young Wall Street trader whose family is kidnapped on a vacation to Spain, leaving him with only hours to find them, uncover a government conspiracy and make the connection between their disappearance and his father’s secrets. (http://bit.ly/95kNoM)

Warner Bros. has picked up high-concept action-comedy STERLING from writers Mike Bender and Doug Chernack (TORRENTE). The pair is also behind awkwardfamilyphotos.com, which has spawned it’s own movie adaptation. (http://bit.ly/c9JvPq)

Keith Merryman and David A. Newman (OUTSOURCED) will adapt Steve Harvey’s bestseller “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” for Screen Gems. Book offers advice for women seeking to better understand their male counterparts. (http://bit.ly/9ATr8Y)

Sony picked up spec script ROAD TO NARDO from writers Andrew Waller and Mike Gagerman. Comedy, about two guys who go to Mexico to rescue their friend, will be Scot Armstrong’s directorial debut. Comedy writer Armstrong is responsible for OLD SCHOOL and SEMI PRO. (http://bit.ly/chhauL)

Jeff Stockwell (BRIDGE TO TERABITHIA) will adapt A WRINKLE IN TIME for Disney and Bedrock. Madeline L’Engle’s 1962 Newbery Medal-winning sci-fi novel revolves around three teenagers’ interplanetary mission to rescue their missing scientist father. They are counseled along the way by the mysterious trio of Mrs. Whatsit, Mrs. Who and Mrs. Which.

New Line also announced Walter Salles (THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES) will direct Stockwell’s OUR WILD LIFE aka PEACEABLE KINGDOM. (http://bit.ly/bMddf5)

Oooh oooh ahhh ahhh ahhhhhh (you have to imagine that in a dark spooky voice).  Come one, come all, to the return of……..HALLOWEEN WEEK!  We skipped it last year but it’s back with a vengeance baby! I just know it’s going to be fang-tastic.  Get it?  “Fang?”  As in the fangs of a vampire? Oh boy, I’m pathetic.  Seriously though, the only thing that scares me these days is another installment of Twilight.  Please, no more Robert Pattinson.  For the love of God NO MORE!  No but here’s the thing.  If I were a producer, I would greenlight EVERY ONE OF THE MOVIES I’m reviewing this week. Except for maybe one.  Now that doesn’t mean I liked all of them, but if I’m taking off my writer cap and putting on my producer cap, I could see all of these movies turning a profit.  Starting with today’s.  So grab your bag of mini-Snickers.  Halloween Week begins………….now. 

Genre: Horror/Comedy
Premise: On the day Zak plans to break up with his girlfriend, she dies. Problem is, she comes back from the dead and still thinks they’re together – FOREVER.
About: This is a project that Joe Dante, the director of Gremlins, has been developing for a while.  It’s been close to going forward a few times and Alan Trezza, who I believe wrote the original draft, even produced a short film of it.
Writer: Alan Trezza
Details:  97 pages – undated (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).

This is the kind of horror comedy that’s itching to be made.  The best loglines allow you to imagine a bunch of great scenarios from the movie, and this logline achieves that in spades.  But being able to pull off a few funny scenes isn’t enough.  We gotta have characters we’re rooting for. We gotta have a second act that doesn’t drag.  The central relationship has to be interesting.  None of those things have anything to do with the logline, which is why there’s so much disappointment in this industry.  You think you found a winner, but then you open it up and it falls apart.  Does that happen with Burying The Ex?  Read on and find out.

Our boyishly handsome and socially awkward hero, Zak, believes he’s found the love of his life.  That would be Evelyn, his way too pretty girlfriend of eight months.  She’s got a Pilates body and a smile to pillage for.  But as everybody knows, the hot ones always have you working.

Evelyn’s main problem is that she’s so damned possessive.  She hates that Zak still hangs out with his loser best friend Travis, who is so poor he has to bring dates back to Zak’s place in order to pass himself off as a functioning member of society – which he isn’t.

This carousel of conflict is heading towards a nuclear meltdown and all three of them know it.  Zak is going to have to make a choice.  It shouldn’t be surprising then, since Evelyn has his testicles tucked away in her purse, that he decides to give Travis the boot.  He and Evelyn then make a promise to each other that they will always and forever be together.  A promise that, unfortunately, is made next to a possessed demon doll!

Over the next few weeks, it starts to hit Zak that Evelyn is way too clingy, and he realizes that he’s going to have to break up with her.  So he sets up a date at a local restaurant and heads over there just in time to see her get plastered across the front of a bus.  Well, at least she didn’t have to ride on it.

Zak mourns for a while but eventually meets a hot alternative girl named Olivia.  The two become disgustingly obsessed with each other, and this really looks like the person Zak’s supposed to spend the rest of his life with.  Which he probably would if he didn’t open his door one night to see………….. Evelyn!!!

After Zak pulls his jaw up off the floor, he figures that that stupid demon doll has made it impossible for Evelyn to die.  And Evelyn plans on living up to their promise – that they’re going to be together – forever.  For some reason, being dead makes her really horny, so all Evelyn cares about is getting a piece of little Zak.

He eventually recruits Travis to help him figure out what to do, and it becomes clear that if he’s going to be with Olivia, they’re going to have to KILL Evelyn.  Umm.  Again.  But how do you kill somebody who’s already dead?

The first thing that impressed me about Burying was the way Todd Beverly handled Evelyn.  A common rookie mistake when giving your hero a girlfriend (or boyfriend) they’re not supposed to be with, is making them the biggest bitch/asshole in the world.  Yeah, you need the audience to dislike them so they’ll want our hero to be with the other girl, but why would your hero willingly be with the world’s biggest bitch?  It makes the hero look stupid.

Beverly walked the perfect line of making Evelyn cool enough so that we understood why Zak was with her, but controlling enough where we didn’t want him to be with her.  That isn’t an easy thing to do so kudos for pulling it off.

I also really loved Olivia.  I loved her spirit.  I loved the chemistry her and Zak had together.  Everything about them worked.

Having said that, there’s something missing here.  I hate to be vague but my big complaint would be that nothing surprised me during this story.  Everything happened exactly how I thought it would.  I wanted to be caught off guard.  I wanted to be shocked.  But I always felt like I was 20 to 30 pages ahead of the screenplay.

Maybe it was the comedy.  The jokes didn’t seem cutting edge enough, like they were taking enough chances.  Later on in the week, I’m going to be reviewing a script called Zombie Baby, and there was a scene in that script where the main character wakes up to find his zombie baby sucking on his head (trying to get to his brains).  So he leaps up and hurls the baby across the room.  It’s a hilarious moment because it’s unexpected.  You don’t think a character is going to pick up a baby and throw it.

Now even if you don’t think that’s funny, at the very least you have to admit that it’s risky.  And that’s what I wanted more of here.  Because even though we have a great premise, the comedy is too safe and too familiar.  Travis, for example, is the same nutty “best friend” character I’ve seen a million times in this type of comedy.

I also wish Evelyn would have been more dynamic.  Her motivation for the most part is to have sex, which gets old quickly.  And it doesn’t make a whole lot of dramatic sense to be honest.  It’s not like she gains anything important by having sex with him. And it’s not like he really loses anything if he has sex with her.  So to focus so many scenes around this conceit really hampered the story.   If there’s nothing at stake in the conflict, it’s not going to be interesting.

Now that I’m thinking about it, I realize I was never really sure what the endgame was.  We know that Evelyn wants Zak.  But what represents achieving this goal?  Is it when she has sex with him?  Because we know even if she manages to, he’s still not going to like her.  Since this isn’t clear, the script kind of goes in circles.

To solve this problem, maybe Evelyn finds out that if she doesn’t consummate the relationship, she’ll dissolve into nothing, and has roughly one week to get the deed done.  I admit that’s rough and you’d need to play with it a little, but at least now there’s an endgame.  We know that if she doesn’t do “x” by “y” amount of time, she’s dead.  Now the script has a little more focus and we have a better understanding of what’s going on.

Another thing I’d focus on more in the next draft is fulfilling the promise of the premise. This needs to be way bigger than simply a dead girl popping into an apartment every once in a while and demanding sex.  There needs to be more variation.  The set pieces need to be bigger.  I don’t know if they had a really low budget so they wrote it to be cheap, but I would think a lot bigger, sort of the way Zombieland approached it.  Let’s get these people out there doing things and having crazier situations on a more consistent basis. Too much of this script takes place in small rooms.

Having said all that, I would keep rewriting the script until you got it right because this is a movie I would see.  It’s a great premise with the potential for some huge laughs.  I just think they’re playing it too safe at the moment.  Let’s get crazier next time.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: I alluded to this in last week’s article, but it’s a good idea to not only give your main character a goal for the story, but to give your other characters goals as well.  And to make those goals as specific as possible.  Yeah, technically Evelyn has a goal. To get back with Zak.  But it’s too open-ended.  If you make it more specific (my rushed example is a base point), this story is going to have way more focus.  And give Travis a goal too.  He’s a musician.  Maybe he’s trying to land a huge Halloween gig.  This gig then happens to be the location of the climax.  The more people you have who want things, the more active everybody’s going to be.  And active characters make interesting characters.

Genre: Indie Drama
Premise: A young man with Marfan’s Syndrome, a disease that makes it difficult for your body’s organs to stay together, must battle the everyday challenges of the disease as he approaches a life-threatening operation.
About: This script was one of the five winning screenplays of the prestigious Nicholl Contest in 2008. It also received six mentions on that year’s Black List. The writer, Eric Nazarian, was inspired to write the story while waiting in the ICU while his brother underwent open heart surgery. Nazarian received his Bachelors from USC where he also studied directing. He used to go to the library there and read the scripts of all his favorite movies. Not long after the Nicholl, he made a feature film called “Blue Hour,” which was a 66 page script with only 4 pages of dialogue, pushing himself to focus more on the visual and aural power of cinema. Budd Schulberg’s “On The Waterfront” is his favorite screenplay of all time.
Writer: Eric Nazarian
Details: 120 pages (2008 draft)

Nazarian on the set of “Blue Hour”

Giants is a script I’ve known about for awhile, has been recommended to me numerous times, but is just something I couldn’t force myself to read. Whenever you have a script that deals with some kind of “syndrome,” you have to be in a certain type of mood to commit to it. And I’m rarely in that mood. Was I in that mood today? No, but one of our readers listed the screenplay as his favorite in his “Reader Faves” list, and after having a conversation with him about it, I decided to give it a chance.

Monty has Marfan’s Syndrome, which is a genetic disorder of the connective tissue. It revolves around Chromosome 15, which is basically the “glue” that keeps your organs together. As you get older, your organs expand and drift apart, “kind of like the earth before the seven continents,” as Monty puts it. Those with the condition are usually tall with long limbs and have a laundry list of health issues, such as detached retinas, lower back problems, and an endless supply of heart aneurysms, which forces them to be on a cocktail of drugs so strong it makes your local street addict look like he’s popping vitamin C pills.

Because the barely 20 year old Monty’s been through so much hell, he’s become an irritable and angry soul, which he usually takes out on his overprotective single mother, Annabeth. As someone who already lost one child, Monty’s sister, to the war in Iraq, Annabeth is desperate to keep her second one around, and therefore rarely leaves his side.

The problem is, everything points to Monty not being around much longer. He’s just had another aneurysm that requires major heart surgery. And between the stingy insurance company, the indifferent doctors, and the non-stop cycle of ER visits, he’s losing that all important fighting spirit.

While we speed towards the big operation, Monty’s deadbeat dad comes back into the picture, trying to make amends with a wife and son he deserted, only to be repeatedly pushed away. Monty hangs out with anyone who can handle his sarcastic nihilistic views, including his community college professor, his main doctor, and his only friend, the drug-supplying Gothy Lizzy. As the operation approaches, Monty finally begins to let go a little, and enjoy what may be the last days of his life.

So yeah, this is heavy stuff. But it’s good heavy stuff. We like Monty and we want to see what’s going to happen to him. And as a screenplay, this is one of the more compelling elements to dissect because Monty does everything in his power to make you NOT like him. And in a medium where the reader has to like *something* about your main character, it’s pertinent to ask why Monty is different. What does he do to get us on his side?

I thought about this and I’ll tell you when it happened for me. But first I have to bring up Seinfeld (yes, “Seinfeld”). Does anybody remember an episode in the second season where Jerry is standing in his apartment and the phone rings and he answers it and it’s a telemarketer and Jerry says, “Actually, I’m busy right now. Can you give me your home phone number and I’ll call you back later?” We hear the telemarketer say no. “Oh, so you don’t like to be bothered in the privacy of your own home?” No. “Well now you know how I feel.” And he hangs up. And in that moment, we love Jerry Seinfeld, because he just fought back a very familiar and annoying situation.

There’s a moment early on in Giants where Monty is having what feels like a heart attack and he’s rushed to the ER. He’s placed in a holding room where a minimum wage nurse asks him questions like, “So on a scale of 1 to 10, how bad would you say the pain is?” as Monty is writhing in unbearable pain. And after a bunch of these questions and some back and forth about why his situation isn’t being taken more seriously, he looks at the nurse and says, “[Livelihood] for a Marfan’s patient are the seconds he or she has to get to the hospital so that hopefully there will be at least one competent nurse or doctor to immediately assess the situation and have a fraction of a brain to realize that there is a leak in my heart and that every second is a countdown to either plugging the leak so I don’t die or scribbling in your notebook, asking these stupid fucking questions to justify your paycheck while I bleed to death without one red fucking drop on your cheapass linoleum floor!!” For anybody who’s ever had to deal with the ER in any capacity, you know how incompetent these people and their procedures are. And how many times you’ve wanted to scream at them and say, “What the hell are you doing? Somebody’s dying here!” It was a great little lesson, because I realized that by making a character fight back in a situation that we’re normally beat down by in our daily lives, they become a bit of a hero to us, and that naturally makes them someone we root for.

Now this script isn’t perfect. Essentially it’s about a guy who potentially has seven days to live, and how he lets go and tries to make those seven days count. But I never felt like he truly stepped out of his comfort zone and took advantage of that freedom. The “big moments” could’ve been bigger. There’s also a sub-plot between the father and his family that could’ve benefited from some more complexity and/or revelations. It was pleasant but a tad obvious. I wanted more.

But for the most part this is powerful affecting screenplay and worth the read.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Ironic characters are compelling characters. A “handicapped” person like Monty isn’t supposed to be an “asshole.” He’s supposed to be nice and cuddly and agreeable. By turning that stereotype on its head, we create an interesting character. Look for this opportunity in your screenplays. If you your character is a romantic, make him a divorce lawyer. If your character is a CEO, make him a slacker. If your character is a priest, make him a drug-addict. Not only are these characters compelling to watch, but actors love to play them.