Genre: Comedy
Premise: (from IMDB) A married man is granted the opportunity to have an affair by his wife. Joined in the fun by his best pal, things get a little out of control when both wives start engaging in extramarital activities as well.
About: Sold all the way back in 2005 for a high six-figure sum to Fox, this spec was subsequently put into turnaround and snatched up by New Line. Owen Wilson, Alyssa Milano, Jenna Fischer, and Christina Applegate will star in this new Farrelly Brothers comedy (filming now). Probably the most interesting aspect about this project though, is that it was written by Pete Jones! My fellow Chicagoan is best known as the writer-director on the first season of Affleck and Damon’s “Project Greenlight” reality series – a series where they set out to prove that Hollywood was doing it wrong and, in the process, proved that Hollywood was…umm…not doing it wrong. But kudos to Mr. Jones for staying the course.
Writer: Pete Jones (revisions by Bobby and Peter Farrelly, Kevin Barnett, and Pete Jones)
Details: 123 pages (Sept 18, 2009 draft)

Goofball extraordinaires Bob and Peter Farrelly

Do the Farrelly Brothers still have it?? These guys directed two of my favorite comedies of all time, “Dumb and Dumber” and “There’s Something About Mary.” When they get it right they reallllyyyy get it right. But sometimes I wonder if this duo has lost their drive. I get the feeling that they’re trying, but they’re not putting in the same “our careers depend on it” passion they used to when they were younger. That may change when they take on what potentially could be the most difficult adaptation of the decade – their interpretation of “The Three Stooges.” I know you’re probably a lot more interested in that project than this one, but for whatever reason, I can’t bring myself to read it. It just sounds so…impossible to turn into a film. So we’ll stick with Hall Pass for today.

Hall Pass follows Fred Searing and Rick Miles, two guys in their early 40s who are smack dab in the middle of life. They have kids. They have wives who don’t give a shit how they look anymore. And of course they don’t get nearly as much sex as they want. This results in a daily routine of going out and admiring much younger much sexier women and thinking about how it “used to be.” Oh if they were on the prowl again. What damage they could do.

In the meantime, Grace and Maggie, the wives, aren’t exactly living the high life either. Taking care of the kids and keeping the family above water on a daily basis has taken its toll, and it’s clear that their marriages need something, some spark, to reinvigorate them. And it’s during a therapy session that Maggie gets the answer. Her therapist suggests giving her husband a “hall pass,” a free pass away from the marriage to do anything he wants, cheat, lie, steal, whatever. Maggie’s horrified by the idea but the therapist assures her that what most men realize when they get the opportunity to do whatever they want, is that they never really wanted to do it in the first place. Maggie discusses it with Grace, and the two reluctantly hand their husbands that most coveted of all treasures – FREEDOM!

In the meantime, the two gals will go hang out up at the summer home, allowing the men to have the lay of the land without interference. Fred and Rick can’t believe their luck. And the news spreads like wildfire. Soon, all of their friends are rushing over, wanting to witness the magical event firsthand. How many girls can they have sex with in a week? Ten? Twenty??

Well, as you can imagine, things don’t go exactly as planned. The structure of the script turns into a day by day breakdown of their attempts, superimposing a “Day X” at the beginning of each morning. Rick and Fred realize that, hey wait a minute, picking up women is hard. And now that there’s actually pressure to *do* something instead of just *saying* they’re going to do something, it’s like, really hard. Not to mention they don’t exactly have the stomachs and the hair that they used to. Each day of “picking up women,” therefore, ends in pathetic failure, making them feel even worse than if they’d never gotten a hall pass in the first place.

To make matters worse, their wives realize, hey, if the guys aren’t officially married to *them* anymore, then they must not be married either, which means they can experience a little Desperate Housewives action of their own. So they head over to Maggie’s father’s minor league baseball team and start swooning over the hot young baseball studs, which leads to all sorts of temptation. Will they cave? Will the guys cave? Does anyone really want to cheat?

The question with Hall Pass is bigger than the movie itself. Does this concept work? I read essentially the same script in the spec sale “Permission” as well as another similar concept that sold (which I’m blanking on). The main problem is, because it’s a comedy, there’s only so far you can go with the cheating. At the end of the movie, your characters have to get back together. Therefore they can’t have 48 hour monkey orgy sex before casually sliding back into their marriages. So there’s a certain limit to the hijinx one can experience, and as a result, the concept always feels neutered. That said, the characters in Hall Pass went a lot further than I thought they would, which makes this script a little edgier than its counterparts.

One thing I kinda dug about Hall Pass though was the restraint the Farrelly’s showed. These guys would cover two people in grape jelly and throw them off the Empire State Building if they thought it would get a laugh. But here they seem to be interested in a more realistic tone. Does that mean, gasp, they’re finally growing up? I don’t know if I’d go that far, but you can definitely feel that in this particular story, they’re drawing more from their own lives than they have any movie they’ve made before. And that’s always the best way to go as a writer – explore things that personally intrigue you. It always adds a level of authenticity you wouldn’t get otherwise. So that was kind of neat to see the Farrelly’s do.

Having said that, I wish they would’ve exploited their concept more. The second act becomes a victim of something we’re all guilty of at some point or another: redundancy. The guys try to pick up girls and they fail. So they try to pick up more girls and they fail. So they try and pick up MORE girls and they fail. After awhile it just feels like we’re stalling while we wait for the third act. I know the Farrelly’s purposefully write their scripts long so they can film as much crazy shit as possible, allowing them to get as many laughs as they can into the flick. But as a read, everything was way too spread out, and the lack of laughs really killed the momentum. It’s a great reminder that for our purposes, as spec script writers, we aren’t afforded that luxury, and need to keep our second acts lean, packing as much story and action as we can into the same space.

I’ll wait til the movie comes out before passing final judgment. But the script wasn’t for me.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Here’s a great screenwriting tip for beginners. If you introduce a bunch of characters all at once, count on us forgetting at least half of them. For example, we’re quickly introduced to four of Rick and Fred’s friends during a poker game. But I couldn’t tell you anything about them five pages later. Why? Because it’s hard to remember everyone in a screenplay. Yet beginner writers think they can throw down 20 names in 20 pages and we’ll have everyone sorted out down to their hair color. It doesn’t work like that. Now there are situations (like a poker game for example) where introducing characters in bulk is necessary. But my advice is to not introduce any key characters during these moments. If it’s a recurring or important character, introduce them away from the group if possible. It’ll give us a much better chance of remembering them.

Genre: Period/Detective/Drama
Premise: A morally corrupt detective is assigned to the kidnapping of a prominent socialite’s son in 1988 New York City.
About: Received 13 votes on the 2009 Black List. This is Baylin’s first script. He previously worked in the art department on numerous low-budget films.
Writer: Zachary Baylin
Details: 126 pages (2009 draft)

Is “They Fall By Night” in Citizen Kane’s league?

They Fall By Night has some lofty ambitions. Very lofty. The script is clearly inspired by three of the most famous movies in Hollywood history, “Citizen Kane,” “Chinatown” and “L.A. Confidential.” I don’t know how long Baylin’s been writing but you can’t help but love his ambition. His attitude seems to be, if you’re gonna swim, why not swim with the best?

But does that ambition translate into a good screenplay? That’s hard to say. There are moments of brilliance here, just as there are moments of a wet-behind-the-ears writer trying to find his way. They Fall By Night wants to do so much, aspires to be so much, that it occasionally collapses under its own weight. But as a first script, it’s pretty damn impressive.

It’s 1988. Arthur Cody, a modern day Charles Foster Kane, has built his Xanadu right here on Manhattan island. But the tortured mogul has experienced a lifetime of hurt. Not one, but two of his wives have died horrible deaths. Unable to face the pain the world has thrown at him, he puts a gun to his head. He leaves behind his daughter, screen legend Vivian Lake, a woman almost as tortured as her father, but determined not to end up like him, and his grandson, the infant Charles.

Vivian, her husband and Charles inherit the Cody dynasty amidst a changing New York, a city that Commissioner Ray Denihan has vowed to clean up. Not only will the criminals be swept off the street, but the kickbacks and the bribes and the dirty cops will be identified and weeded out. The future is hope, and the morally corrupt don’t fit into the equation.

It’s appropriate then, that we meet our anti-hero, Detective Ryan Halas, a man as morally corrupt as they come. Halas has been on the take since the take was born. Amidst this changing ideal, where dirty cops will be handed over to Internal Affairs like slaughtered pigs, Halas has only one choice: Run away. If he stays, there’s a good chance he’ll end up in jail for the rest of his life.

But Halas catches a lucky break. Turns out Vivian Lake did something bad. Real bad. And she heard that Halas is the cop you call when you need a mess cleaned up. The “mess” is a 15 year old girl, a prostitute/drifter who got in over her head and tried to blackmail the wrong family. The job is easy. Take the girl to the docks and put a bullet in her head.

But that’s the old Halas. The new Halas can’t kill a 15 year old girl. So against his better judgment, he lets her run, and lies to Vivian, telling her he took care of it. As a reward, Vivian makes some calls and Halas receives a clean slate. Finally, he can be the cop he’s always wanted to be.

Then wouldn’t you know it, just when it looked like Halas was going to get his happy ending, Charles Lake, Vivian Lake’s son, is kidnapped, and a huge ransom is set (hey, why not a little Godfather 3 as well: “Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.”) Because of their previous working relationship, Vivian calls in Halas to work the case. As you can imagine, this is no ordinary kidnapping. A ransom isn’t the only thing going on. There are secrets here, deep family secrets that need to stay hidden. And Vivian needs Halas to make sure they never come out. Unfortunately, that seemingly insignificant girl he let go of that evening may be the reason all this happened, a truth he’ll have to answer to at some point.

They Fall By Night is dripping with depth, like a shirt you’ve been wearing through the worst storm of the year. You get a feel for this dark gritty pre-Guliani New York the way you do when Christopher Nolan puts you on the streets of Gotham. Every little pimp, every little crook, every little everybody burrows under your skin. Money is the only thing that matters in this cesspool, and people will do anything for it. Doesn’t matter what your profession is. Every character here evolves from this underworld, and it’s what, ironically, makes them so lively, makes them so memorable.

But the script still contains the signs of a first-time writer. For example, the first act turn (when the son gets kidnapped) doesn’t happen until page 48. So much information and so much backstory is packed into that first act, it’s like it can’t help itself. And yet it somehow manages to work. This reclusive billionaire angle is naturally intriguing, and much like Citizen Kane, we’re willing to hang out in Exposition Alley a little longer than usual, as long as it’s peppered with the eccentricities of this private but sleazy secret world.

Where the script falters, unfortunately, is in trying to do too much. Baylin is trying to tell an epic tale here, and I’m not sure he has all the tools to do it yet. Outside of the kidnapping plot, we’re also experiencing the major transformation of the city, we’re following a commissioner who’s trying to become governor, we’re keeping track of mysteries that date back to multiple characters and multiple generations, and we’re doing this amidst tons of lesser characters who Halas meets on his investigation. It’s a ton to keep track of and I was confused just as much as I was riveted. Even after reading the ending twice, I wasn’t sure what happened, and in a tale where a major mystery drives the story, and we don’t get a clear answer to that mystery, that simply can’t happen.

Still, there’s enough here to keep you turning the pages, and I couldn’t put it down. This is the kind of epic story that after some targeted rewrites could draw the attention of directors like Scorcese or Curtis Hanson. Will be interesting to see where this ends up.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Let’s say you want a character to really stand out, to have weight. One way to do this is to build them up before we see them. Have other characters talk about them – allude to their eccentricities, their persona, their gravitas. It’s no different than when you meet someone in real life who you’ve heard a lot about. That person – when you meet them – appears to you as someone with a past, someone three-dimensional, someone with “weight.” Contrast that with when you meet some random guy you don’t know from Adam. That person, at least in that initial moment, is nobody to you. Vivian Lake is highlighted in newspaper articles, on TV, and by other characters, so by the time we meet her, we truly feel the importance of her character. This is often done in films with the bad guy. You’ll hear characters speak about how terrifying the villain is, or stories of horrible things they did. So when they show up, we’re just as intimidated and scared of them as our hero. But you can use this tool to build up any character, good or bad.

Genre: War (what is it good for)
Premise: A commander of a special military unit goes seeking WMDs in 2003 Iraq.
About: The new collaboration between Paul Greengrass and Matt Damon, Green Zone will co-star Amy Ryan and Greg Kinnear. The film opens this Friday. This draft is NOT the shooting script, but rather one of Greengrass’ earlier drafts. Brian Helgeland supposedly came in and did a rewrite, potentially cleaning up a lot of the issues I had with the script. While both drafts focus on the search for WMDs, the book, I’m told, is more about the overall incompetence of the U.S. when they showed up in Iraq after the war. In order for Congress to approve the budget for the rebuilding of the nation, infrastructure “experts” who had little to no knowledge of Iraq, were brought in to set up a temporary government. They did silly things like institute Maryland’s driving code and set up a new tax structure – items that were pretty low on the priority list to a country that was essentially still at war.
Writer: Paul Greengrass (based on “Imperial Life in the Emerald City: Inside Iraq’s Green Zone” by Rajiv Chandrasekaren)
Details: 111 pages

Every once in awhile one of these war movies sneaks through and makes some money, but for the most part, nobody wants to see modern war films. They get war on CNN. They get war on the internet. They get war at the water cooler, Twitter, and their cell phones. And after that sustained 24 hour reminder of death, destruction, and mayhem, we’re asked to pay 10 bucks and subject ourselves to the same thing in a movie theater? No thank you. Even Hurt Locker, which is probably the best modern war movie in the last 5 years, and has had a constant Oscar-coverage marketing push for the last 3 months, has barely made 20 million bucks here in the U.S. But I suppose when you have Matt Damon and Paul Greengrass agreeing to reteam for a film, you let them do whatever they want, and work out the marketing kinks later (the advertising campaign does have a certain “If Jason Bourne decided to be in the army instead of becoming a secret agent” feel to it, which is all the more amusing knowing how hard the two probably worked to ensure that it didn’t feel that way).

I just have to say…WMDs? Really? Do we really want to make a movie based on something that’s become a running joke…THREE YEARS AGO? It’s like basing a movie off the joke “NOT!” I can see an SNL skit. But an entire movie?

Humph.

It’s 2003 and Chief Warrant Officer Miller has been deployed to Iraq after the initial invasion to search out and find WMDs. Miller takes pride in his job and takes his mission very seriously. He’ll do anything it takes to find these weapons of mass destruction. Problem is, not everyone else feels the same way. And that makes doing his job awfully difficult. For example, an initial tip leads him to a likely weapons spot, but when he gets there the building is already being looted by marines. Another tip leads him to some apartments but those have already been cleared by special forces. Miller naively assumed, because finding these weapons was supposedly the whole point to being here, that his team would get some kind of priority. But that isn’t the case. Not by a long shot.

But Miller’s a quick thinker, and he figures if there’s no order, why not make up his own rules? So within hours he’s already disobeying his superiors and following his own leads. Eventually this gets him to a secret meeting with some potentially high-ranking Iraqi officials. He and his men storm the building, and while they aren’t able to get everyone, Miller does get his hands on a very official looking notebook that’s written in some kind of code. He suspects that when decoded, this notebook will be exactly what the U.S. government was looking for – a specific breakdown of where all the WMDs are.

As you can probably guess, it’s not as simple as Miller turning in the book and collecting a medal. There are men in the government just as keen for us not to find these WMDs as there are men who are. Although I was never clear on why, the implication is that there are some sinister figures in our government, so I guess that reasoning will have to suffice. Either way, Miller is faced with a difficult choice: Does he follow orders and give the book up, knowing it will lead to nothing? Or does he go out and try to solve the case himself?

I think we know which one he chooses.

There’s a lot of other stuff going on in this script that’s very hard to keep up with. The exiled Ahmed Zubaidi, who was kicked out of Iraq decades ago for wanting the country to be free-enterprise, is brought back under the U.S.’s insistence as a way to institute a free-enterprise system behind the face of a man Iraq can identify with. But it’s not clear which team Zubaidi is playing for, as some Americans love him, and others think he’s a fraud. While I suppose this could’ve been interesting, the character felt like a remnant from the book, a half-willed attempt to jam more plot into the story, when in reality, all he did was detract from Miller’s mission.

Then there’s Dayne, a female reporter who was clearly added at the studio’s request (need a female!) and whose every uninspired scene exists only to remind us of this fact. Poor Amy Ryan is playing the part and I’m sure she’ll do the best she can. But the character’s big moment is basically saying she wants to fuck Matt Damon’s character within 3 seconds of meeting him. So much for the chase. Then again, my dislike of her may have to do with the fact that – YET AGAIN (Ticking Man review) – we have the female character who exists only to “get the story at all costs.” Yawn.

Green Zone, in a lot of ways, is like the way Greengrass shoots his films: raw, gritty, and all over the place. Unfortunately that’s not the most inviting way to present a written story. I’m always telling new writers to do the work for the readers. Don’t make them do the work for you. If the reader is constantly trying to keep up with all the information. If he’s checking back to see who the characters are and trying to keep 8 different plotlines sorted out in his head, he’s going to be miserable. You’re asking too much – which is exactly what Greengrass does here. We get characters who come and go with no indication if they’re one-and-dones or recurring, forcing us to remember every single person who hits the page. Since they’re all essentially a vague generalization of “army guy” or “Iraqi dude,” differentiating between them becomes almost impossible. Which means we’re going back and re-checking names. Which means we’re going back and re-checking plot points. Don’t ever try this as a beginning writer. It’s just plain sloppy.

I think there’s some interesting stuff here, but most of it comes towards the beginning of the script, when Miller lands in Iraq. I wouldn’t call Miller an idealist, but watching him slowly realize that whatever they told him Iraq was going to be like is not at all how it is, was fun to read. I thought it gave a good indication of what any war room or war effort must be like: over-the-top chaos. Nobody on the ground really knows what they’re doing. And they’re taking orders from people who probably don’t know what they’re doing either. Because we only do this kind of stuff once every 10-20 years, it’s no different than any business who only gets to practice once during that amount of time – 10 million things are going to go wrong. It certainly ain’t like it used to be, where you lined up on each side of a field and took turns shooting at each other, that’s for sure. Whatever the case, the interesting stuff was short-lived, as once we got into the meat of the story, the plot was pretty plain (find WMDs) and definitely hampered by the issue that we already know if Miller succeeds or not (assuming we were alive a few years ago and read the papers).

Watching the trailer below, the “Magellan” stuff seems to be Helgeland’s doing, and is probably an extension of the “notebook” Miller gets his hands on. Other than that, not too much seems to be different. I’m sure Greengrass’s kinetic camerawork and quick editing will add some energy to this story, but just as a screenplay, it wasn’t for me.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Although the love interest (Amy Ryan’s character, “Dayne”) plays only a tiny part in the story, her motivation is all wrong. Within seconds of meeting Miller, she throws herself at him. I don’t care what genre you’re writing, always make it tough for the guy to get the girl. Scripts are about making it difficult for your character to achieve whatever it is he/she’s trying to achieve. And that rule extends onto the love interest. If your love interest just shows up and says, “I’m yours,” where do you go with the relationship? The journey’s already over. Our protag has the girl. If you want drama and conflict in your love story, always make it tough for the guy to get the girl.

I’ll be reviewing the script for a very soon-to-be-released Matt Damon film on Tuesday. Very very soon-to-be-released. I’ll also be reviewing a script from a couple of guys who have written and directed two of my favorite comedies of all time. Then on Friday I’ll be reviewing a hell of a good script that totally surprised me. It was on this year’s Black List, but pretty far down, and because of a certain actor’s attachment, I wasn’t expecting much at all. But man, this script has one of the greatest villains I’ve read in a long long time. They cast it right and whoever plays that part has a shot at an Oscar. Wednesday is still a mystery at this moment. But hopefully we’ll have something interesting to put up. Here’s Roger with his review of “The Alchemy Papers.”

Genre: Family Adventure
Premise: When Thomas Edison’s great-great grandson accidentally uncovers the first clue to where the infamous Alchemy Papers are hidden, which contains the formula to make gold, he sets off on a high-stakes adventure throughout the Five Boroughs of New York City.
About: Sold to Kopelson Entertainment in 2007. Before that, the brother and sister duo sold an untitled project to Beacon. Adele Griffin is the author of numerous YA books, two of which (Where I Want to Be and Sons of Liberty) were finalists for the National Book Award. Her and her brother Geoff, screenplay-wise, cut their teeth on “a supernatural thriller, then a sudsy coming-of-age script, a cool but bleak noir script, and then a comedy that got us some attention but didn’t sell.”
Writers: Geoff Watson & Adele Griffin
Details: March 2006 draft

Woo! This is what blogs are made for. Immediate passionate live reporting on events as they happen! As I said before, the drama of these present-day Oscars is lost with the excessive media coverage of the 8 million awards shows that precede it. Each main category is down to a 1 or 2 person competition, which makes predicting them kinda boring. The drama, henceforth, is left in the smaller categories, which would be fun except that nobody knows anything about the smaller categories, turning them into a complete guessing game. Anyway, none of this takes away from the true fun of the Oscars, which is to make fun of actors and actresses you don’t like. Which I anticipate I’ll be doing plenty of. What the Oscars lacks in drama we’ll make up for in pure moronic observation. In general, I’ll be updating a few minutes after each category is announced, so refresh at your leisure.

Random observations: Best two lines of the interviews so far. Jeremy Renner on if there’s anything he’d rather have here besides his mom: “A shotgun.” Carey Mulligan on George P asking her what all the little forks and knives on her dress were about: “I have no idea.”

Random observations: Wow, what a stupid way to open the night. — What the fuck is going on??? Neal Patrick Harris is singing! (and he’s a really bad singer) — Man, I thought Steve Martin was going to wipe out.

Whoa, these jokes are really going over well with the 80 and over crowd.

Why does Clooney look so mad? He’s not laughing at anything. I thought he was Mr. Happy Go Lucky.

I’m definitely enjoying how terrified these actors look when their name is called.

Oh got it, Clooney thing is a joke. Much funnier when Gervais and Carrel do it though because when they do it THEY’RE ACTUALLY FUNNY!

Best Supporting Actor
Who I want to win: Christoph Waltz
Who Will Win: Christoph Waltz

Thoughts: Easiest category to call of the night. I don’t even know who else is running. I don’t care. He could be running against Daniel Day-Lewis and he’d still be a shoe-in. What I love about Waltz, is after he won it, he didn’t pretend to be about the art or any of that nonsense. He said, “I’ve been doing this forever and barely eeking by. It’s time to get paaaaaaaaid. And he signed onto Green Hornet, for I can only imagine to be many millions of dollars. Good for him.

Winner: Waltz
Reaction: That was a pretty heartfelt speech from Waltz. You could tell he was truly honored, and it was a nice tricky way of working in all the thank yous and making it seem like it was part of his speech (this year they’re not supposed to thank people in their speech – yeah, like that’s ever worked).

Best Animated Feature Film
Who I want to win: Up
Who Will Win: Up

Thoughts: Duh.

Winner: Up
Reaction: I love this guy. He LOOKS like a cartoon. You could not create a more perfect person to represent an animated film winner.

Best Original Song
Who I want to win: I don’t know.
Who Will Win: I don’t care.

Thoughts: This is an Academy of Motion PICTURES Awards. PICTURES. Not SONGS. Who freaking cares about this award? The only reason they even have this category is so they can throw some singing performances into the night. I’m going to go out on a limb here and go with Jai Ho, by A. R. Rahman from Slumdog Millionaire. One of my favorite moments from last year is when Jai Ho walked up and accepted his academy award like he’d gotten one every year of his life since he was 3.

Winner: I don’t care.
Reaction: Miley Cyrus needs to disappear off the face of the planet like right now!

Random observation: Am I the only one who liked that song from the diet coke commercial? Who sings that?

Best Original Screenplay
Who I want to win: Quentin Tarantino
Who Will Win: Quentin Tarantino

Thoughts: Who wouldn’t want Quentin Tarantino’s life? He writes and directs these totally original movies. But unlike other directors, he doesn’t burrow himself into his work right afterwards, playing the role of tortured artist. He fucking ENJOYS HIMSELF. He goes to Sweden, Amsterdam, Germany and PARTIES HIS ASS OFF. And don’t think those experiences don’t contribute to his writing. In fact, I think that’s why he’s able to continue being original, because he actually experiences life.

Winner: The Hurt Locker
Reaction: WHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!???? Are you kidding me???? The Oscars are rigged. No way. What a joke. This really has a huge effect on the rest of the night. If the voters voted this for screenplay, what else could they vote it for?? — But Downey Jr.’s joke about writers looking like mole people = funniest line of the night.

Random observation: I usually hate these recollection pieces, but if there’s one I’ll sit through, it’s John Hughes. So many damn classic lines/scenes/movies!

Is that a red dot I see on Jon Cryer’s forehead? —- Taylor Lautner and Kristin Stewart are like, “Who the hell is John Hughes?”

Best Animated Short Film
Who I want to win: Logorama
Who Will Win: Logorama

Thoughts: I mean come on. It’s freaking LOG-O-RAMA. Anything with the word “rama” in it should win. Although I’m a big French Toast fan so “French Roast” almost won my vote. The big question with Logorama is the rights issue. Will they be able to even play a clip from the film? I mean, this is the real drama of this year’s Oscars. How come no one is reporting on this?? I can’t wait any longer. I have to know what’s going to happen with Logorama! Ahhhhhh!!!!

Winner: Logorama!
Reaction: YAAAAAAYYYYY!!! LOGORAMA WON!!! The world is a better place.

Best Documentary Short Subject
Who I want to win: Please put me to death
Who Will Win: I DON’T CARE!

Thoughts: Seven people on the planet care about this category. Not even the nominees’ parents are watching.

Winner: One of the nominees.
Reaction: Oh my god! What the hell is going on??? Who is this woman!??? this is the best drama of the night! Purple Woman comes up on stage and steals the microphone from very deep middle-of-his-speech man!

Best Live Action Short Film
Who I want to win: The people of the world.
Who Will Win: Kavi

Thoughts: Having seen all five of these films ten times each…IN ANOTHER DIMENSION, I can tell you that I’m magnificently ill-equipment to offer my opinion here. But what I can tell you is this. The Live Action Short Film category likes 3rd World Countries. The more 3rd world the film’s subject matter is, the better chance you have. For that reason, I’m going with Kavi, a movie about an Indian boy and his parents being forced into slave labor. I mean come on. You can take this one to the bank.

Winner: A film that was not Kavi.
Reaction: Whaaaat??? Kavi lost. This totally destroys my theory on everything, including the universe. Where is the large crazy purple woman?? Why isn’t she here for this acceptance speech? Bring back Large Purple Woman!!!!

Best Makeup
Who I want to win: Kim Kardashian
Who Will Win: Cher?

Thoughts: You can tell how much the Academy cares about this category when a) they’ve cut it to 3 nominees so they don’t have to invite any more people than they have to, b) on their website instead of using a production still for Star Trek, they cut and pasted directly from a cheap video still, c) They don’t even *have* a picture for Il Divo, one of the movies in the category, and d) They nominated STAR TREK for best makeup!

Winner: Star Trek!
Reaction: I don’t care what all you Stiller haters say. He’s the only one who actually tries at these things and is actually funny. Easily the best moment of the night. Even better than the Joaquin Phoenix thing last year.

Best Adapted Screenplay
Who I want to win: Blomkamp & Tatchell (District 9)
Who Will Win: Jason Reitman & Sheldon Turner (Up In The Air)

Thoughts: blah blah blah. WGA screenwriting credit war. Blah blah blah. The only time the Academy awards sci-fi is when it has some social relevance. District 9 has some social relevance. So award it dammit! I don’t know if I’d call it a great screenplay, but this movie needs to get some recognition. Plus Up In The Air didn’t live up to it screenplay whereas District 9 elevated its script. And plus I don’t want Clooney to be rewarded for for his bobblehead acting move.

Winner: Precious
Reaction: WOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. This is a huuuuuuuuuuuuuge upset. HOly Shit. Reitman must be pissed. Why aren’t they showing a reaction of him? This is probably the best moment of the night. This guy didn’t think he would win. And you can tell he’s truly touched. I don’t think there’s anything that could feel better for a writer – being up on that stage after spending thousands of hours in a room all by yourself. — Wow, Steve Martin actually said something funny with the “I wrote him that speech” line.

Best Supporting Actress
Who I want to win: Anna Kendrick
Who Will Win: Mo’Nique

Thoughts: This is a given. I mean, Mo’Nique tore it up. But Precious was way too heavy-handed for me. I think we know how I feel about films that pour on the drama and never let you come up for air. Kendrick is a great actress, someone I thought really shined in the undervalued Rocket Science. This is a girl we’re going to be seeing for years to come. — Also, I noticed they switched this from its traditional opening slot, and my suspicion is that it’s because they knew Mo’Nique was going to be giving one of the best acceptance speeches and didn’t want to waste it right away. Although, Mo’Nique seems to make an acceptance speech whenever she’s interviewed anywhere, even if it’s not about the movie.

Winner: Mo’Nique
Reaction: I love when these nominees cry at their own performances when they show their clips. — I think Mo’Nique just said her performance was obviously the best performance with that “politics” quip. She’s right, but I mean, that was weird of her to say.

Best Art Direction
Who I want to win: Avatar
Who Will Win: Avatar

Thoughts: I couldn’t come up with something interesting or incisive to say about this category if you gave me three weeks. So I’ll just say Avatar and HURRY THE F UP TO THE NEXT CATEGORY.

Winner: Avatar
Reaction: Avatar gets its first win of the night. — Uh oh, I don’t think you want to tell James Cameron he’s a genius. His head is already filling up the first nine rows.

Best Costume Design
Who I want to win: I don’t. I wish they would eliminate this category.
Who Will Win: Dr. Panarsus

Thoughts: Dr. Panarssus needs to eat! How could they send Heath Ledger out with this piece of crap? Give it a little love. Even if the only costume I saw from this movie is the white tux Jude Law was wearing in the promo shot (at least I think it’s Jude Law).

Winner: The Young Victorias
Reaction: What the hell is this movie? I’ve never heard of it before. Are they sure they didn’t just make it up for the Oscars? “Uh, yeah the movie is real. Here are some pictures of the clothes on the set.” “But I’ve never heard of you before.” “Here’s another picture. Look at that dress.” Yes! I love when people come up and say they don’t give a shit about winning an Oscar. Sweet!

Best Sound Editing & Best Sound Mixing
Who I want to win: They need to send these categories back to 1987 so Superman can throw them into the bag of nuclear warheads he takes to the moon and BLOWS UP!
Who Will Win: See above.

Winners: The Hurt Locker in both categories
Reaction: I will say this though. These categories have the coolest films of the night in them. — Is this the villain from The Davinci Code? — Umm, I’m not sure what’s going on here. Sound Anything should have gone to Avatar, or maybe even, gulp Transformers 2.

Best Cinematography
Who I want to win: Inglorious Basterds
Who Will Win: Avatar

Thoughts: I just think Basterds was a beautifully shot film. But Avatar had more money shots, even if they were digital. Avatar for the win.

Winner: Avatar
Reaction: Wow, in the most visual category of the night, they didn’t show any clips. What the fuck??? — It’s funny how these lesser guys absolutely have to thank people, even if they’re not supposed to, as they want those future jobs.

Random Observation: I know I’m supposed to be respecting the dead right now. But holy shit does Demi Moore look hot. Shows you that surgery doesn’t always make you look like a freak.

Best Original Score
Who I want to win: Fantastic Mr. Fox
Who Will Win: Up?

Thoughts: I love offering my opinion on things I have absolutely no expertise on. Best Score? Give it to Fantastic Mr. Fox. Why? Because it’s Wes Anderson! And Wes Anderson loves music. Best Original Score should go to the person who LOVES music the most. That’s obvious. But I have a feeling Up will win, because music and animation go hand in hand and Up is more animated than Fantastic Mr. Fox, which is more stop-motionated. I told you there would be plenty of worthless observations tonight.

Random observation: This hip upbeat “So You Think You Can Dance” routine is not going well AT ALL. This is all very strange. Is Steve Martin about to come out and say, “Just kidding!”

Winner: Up
Reaction: Sam Worthington must have done terrible in the rehearsals because they’re not letting him say ANY-thing.

Best Visual Effects
Who I want to win: District 9
Who Will Win: Avatar

Thoughts: It’s too bad for District.

Winner: Avatar
Reaction: So what does this make it? A tie 3-3 now for Avatar and Hurt Locker? 2 for Precious? We’re having a pretty tight race tonight.

Best Documentary
Who I want to win: The Most Dangerous Man in America
Who Will Win: The Cove

Thoughts: First, The Cove has the best title. Second, this film covers the uplifting story of dolphin-slaughtering. So you know it’s going to win. I want The Most Dangerous Man in America to win because I think this documentary has something to do with Lost.

Winner: The Cove
Thoughts: Um, what is the guy who was in every 80s film doing up on the stage for this traumatic documentary?

Best Film Editing
Who I want to win: District 9
Who Will Win: District 9

Thoughts: The thing about film editing is, the wrong film always wins. They always get it wrong. Probably because the majority of the academy members have no idea what goes into editing a movie. I used to be an editor and I don’t know what goes into editing. But I know enough to know that the wrong film always wins. I think the members see a lot of camera movement and a gritty feel and believe that means good editing. Using that logic, I’m saying District 9 wins.

Winner: The Hurt Locker
Reaction: The Hurt Locker wins for editing? Why? Because it’s a war movie? Because there’s a lot of camera movement and it has a gritty feel? Dammit, should’ve voted for The Hurt Locker!

Best Foreign Language Film
Who I want to win: The Milk of Sorrow
Who Will Win: The White Ribbon

Thoughts: I admit I have not seen any of these movies, but if you want to get me into a theater, sorrowful milk is pretty high up on the list of things that’ll get me there. That and angst-ridden hot chocolate. Or jealous grapefruit juice. Anyway, everybody knows that The White Ribbon is going to win because I once heard of it, which is more than I can say about these other four.

Winner: I couldn’t tell you cause I have no idea what Pedro Alamovar just said.
Reaction: Yes, this is exactly what the Academy Awards wants, is the winner of Foreign Language Film to thank a bunch of people in another language.

Best Actor
Who I want to win: Jeremy Renner
Who Will Win: Jeff Bridges

Thoughts: I love it when the Academy decides…ehhh, I know this isn’t the right pick, but this person’s earned it because they’ve been around a long time. Like when Karl Malone got MVP over Michael Jordon. Hence, we’ll get Jeff Bridges for the Oscar for a film that 5 people have seen. But I really think this award deserves to go to Jeremy Renner. The guy came out of nowhere and was the main reason this movie has received all this acclaim. But the academy doesn’t like to recognize newcomers unless they’re like, 7.

Winner: Jeff Bridges
Reaction: Uhhh…what the hell is this 10 thousand actors talk about the nominees shit. Just get to it already. I guess overall I’m happy that Jeff Bridges won because he’s such a weird guy, and this speech is definitely one of the more entertaining of the night. Still loses out to Large Purple Lady though. Man, Jeff Bridges might be here all night. But the producers aren’t cutting him off. And Jeff Bridges’ wife is kinda hot. Puma.

Random observation: I’m starving. Can someone bring me some food?

Best Actress
Who I want to win: Meryl Streep
Who Will Win: Meryl Streep

Thoughts: Before I start my Streep worship, is there a Razzie category for worst hair and make-up? Whoever is responsible for Amy Adams’s look in Julie & Julia needs to be fired and never allowed to work in Hollywood again. Never have I seen someone so naturally pretty turned into something so horrendously ugly. Rant over. Now, Meryl Streep! Meryl Streep is one of the few people in any profession that lives up to the hype. There is no one more believable than her onscreen. Some producer said, “The only reason Sandra Bullock is in the race is because she usually does comedies and therefore we think she deserves an Oscar just because she’s doing a drama.” I tend to agree with that thinking. But I’ll raise you that observation and add that the academy wants the number one box office female star in the world at its event for some…RAAAATINGS.

Random observation: Why is Forest Whitaker dressed like Urkel?

Random observation: Am I the only one sick of Oprah promoting Precious. I get that she’s a producer (who came on after the movie was made) but come on already.

Random observation: What the hell did Sean Penn just say? That man should never be allowed near a microphone.

Winner: Sandra Bullock
Reaction: Wooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Sandra won. That is a huuuuuge upset. I can’t believe it. Who ever thought Sandra Bullock would win an Oscar? And off of one of the most boring movies I’ve seen all year.

Wow, and Sandra Bullock for the best speech of the night! I’m almost over the fact that she actually won.

Best Director
Who I want to win: James Cameron
Who Will Win: James Cameron

Thoughts: Here’s why I think Cameron deserves the Oscar. Bigelow (who may be the most beautiful woman in the world for her age) only beats Cameron in one directing category – and that’s in getting the performances from her actors. Granted that’s one if, if not the most important, category. But Cameron does better in every other aspect. And probably most importantly, he does it on a scale that is a hundred times more difficult than the directing job of Hurt Locker. Cameron has no weaknesses as a director. His only weaknesses are those he has as a person. The guy is so hard to root against. Nobody who doesn’t work with him likes him, and yet with that immeasurable handicap, here he is, in the mix, with, of all things, a summer popcorn movie. You gotta give it to Cameron.

Winner: Katheryn Bigelow
Reaction: Well, I guess this wasn’t that big of a surprise. But I didn’t like how Streisand basically announced beforehand who it was going to be. You don’t say that unless you got an inside tip. But I’m happy for Bigelow. She seems like a nice gal.

Best Film
Who I want to win: Avatar
Who Will Win: Avatar

Thoughts: I don’t usually like statistics, but this one caught my eye. If Avatar wins, it will be the highest grossing movie to ever win an Oscar. If Hurt Locker wins, it will be the lowest grossing movie to ever win an Oscar. This, to me, is a very telling stat. If Hurt Locker is as good as everyone’s saying it is, word of mouth should’ve gotten way more people into the theater. By no means am I saying big box-office equals a good movie. Obviously, it doesn’t. But the fact that more people aren’t recommending this to their friends tells me it doesn’t deserve the credentials its getting. But what’s great about this year’s best film race is that it’s really about big Hollywood versus little Hollywood. And people are going to be lining up on both sides, sticking with their alliances. This is going to be the closest Best Picture race in a long time. But I think Avatar wins out, because ten years from now, everyone will remember Avatar, while in ten years time, only a few of us will remember Hurt Locker.

Winner: The Hurt Locker
Reaction: Ugh, I mean, I guess it’s not a bad film. But Best Picture? I just don’t know what to say. I suppose it has its fans? And the making of the film and the way it caught on is a great underdog story. But I still don’t think anyone will know what the hell The Hurt Locker was about in a few years.

Anyway, I’m exhausted. I think I need some warm milk and then it’s off to bed!