The weekend is here. Writer Jay Eden would love if you busted out your old record player and took a trip into the past. Vinyl lovers unite for… WHITE LABEL!

Amateur Friday Submission Process: To submit your script for an Amateur Review, send in a PDF of your script, along with your title, genre, logline, and finally, why I should read your script. Use my submission address please: Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Your script will be posted. If you’re nervous about the effects of a bad review, feel free to use an alias name and/or title. It’s a good idea to resubmit every couple of weeks so your submission stays near the top.

Genre: Dark Rom-Com
Premise: (from writer) When a young vinyl music store owner loses everything — love, friendship and vinyl records — he struggles to rebuild his life, hindered by pimp-like friends, a beautiful agent provocateur and an ex-girlfriend who refuses to let their relationship die until she finds a suitable successor. In the vein of HIGH FIDELITY and 500 DAYS OF SUMMER.
About: (from writer) WHITE LABEL landed me a Blacklist manager for three days when I sent it out last year. We had a weekend love-in, swapped lots of emails, planned a campaign to attach a director and talent — then she emailed back the following Monday and said she was simply too busy to take on another client. The script (under a different name) got a professional rating on SPEC SCOUT, and was ranked on the TOP 10 list of the best scripts of 2012 by a Scriptshadow reader (someone I have never met, honestly!).
Writer: Jay Eden
Details: 113 pages

One of the cooler things you can do in LA is head up to Sunset and Vine and visit Amoeba Records. It’s this huge sprawling store with about a billion records. It’s kind of amazing to think about. Vinyl died off a long time ago. In fact, it’s died many deaths. First by cassette, then CD, and now digital. Many people who swore by the vinyl listening experience watched helplessly as their flagship sound experience was ripped away from them.

So to think that there’s this entire store that still sells these things. And not just that – they’re ALWAYS packed. It’s baffling. With that being said, I have to admit I’ve never been a music geek. I mean don’t get me wrong. I’ve bought a hell of a lot of songs on Itunes. But I’m not someone who can tell you what venue Led Zeppelin first played in. Or what studio Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” was recorded in. It’s just not my thing.

Music is something for me to experience and enjoy, not dissect. And really, I wouldn’t have it any other way. One of the downsides of being in the movie business (and I use that term loosely, don’t worry), is that in order to survive, you have to dissect, you have to watch things over and over again to understand why they do or don’t work so you can talk about them intelligently, as well as apply that knowledge to your work. I’m not going to lie, that takes some of the fun out of it. It’s hard for me to just sit down and enjoy a film these days. I’m too busy thinking about all the shit that’s gone into it.

With music, I don’t have to worry about that. It’s why I can enjoy “Satisfaction” and “Gangnam Style” in equal measure. I don’t have to bring any of that judgmental snarkiness over from the film world. Which leads us to White Label. This is a script written by a music geek for music geeks. And for that reason, while I appreciated it, it never truly resonated with me. It sort of drifted around me. I enjoyed some moments, but was never totally enthralled.

White Label puts us back in the decade of big hair and male mid-riff shirts (the 80s) and follows a guy named Matt. Matt is the owner of a store named Urinal Vinyl, a record shop famous for its giant urinal in the middle of the floor, where those desperate for rock schoolage can sacrifice their old shitty records and be given the truly best rock in return. In other words, it’s a gimmick that separates UV from every other record store in town.

But the fun and games of the 70s and early 80s are coming to an end. That’s because a new medium is hitting the streets, the compact disc. And they’re making their way into every record store in California. Every record store except for one. Urinal Vinyl. That’s because Matt refuses to bend to the constraints of capitalist America.

Cut to our romantic foil, the royally fucked up but unimaginably beautiful Charlie, one of those women who could find trouble in a church. Charlie works for one of these compact disc companies and realizes if she could infiltrate Matt’s little store, she could find out what they’re up against. So that’s exactly what she does, hoping to rope Matt in and get all the information she needs and use it against him. But it’s not that easy. Matt is still in love with his dead wife (who he’s able to physically see and talk to by the way) and just getting an uninterrupted moment with him is like trying to get some one on one time with Madonna (80s reference).

There are tons of other people coming in and out of the shop with their own stories as well. There’s Ray, Matt’s best friend, who’s in love with an Argentinian woman he can’t have. There’s Bunker, a 15 year old kid who’s so obsessed with the Goth girl working at the store he comes in every day and stares at her from the corner. There’s Todd, Charlie’s married boss whom she erroneously believes will leave his wife. There’s Phil, who’s married to Matt’s sister. There’s Maddie, who’s trying to rope in Matt as well. Oh, and of course there’s Emma, Matt’s dead wife. Shit, there’s a lot of people here!

Charlie eventually finds a provision in the rental agreement on the building that will close the place down unless Matt finds 30k. All this espionage is getting harder and harder to do, of course, since she’s falling for Matt. And in the end, Matt will have to call on all the famous rockers who once graced one of the greatest record stores in the world to rock out and raise money so they can save the place where they got their first rock education!

I feel really bad about reviewing White Label because there’s more passion and depth in this script than most of amateur scripts I read in a month. You can tell when a writer really loves his subject matter. He gives the words a power you just don’t see when a writer’s writing for the market. I can vouch for that here with Jay. I felt the sweat he laid out on the page. But this just isn’t my thing. So no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get fully into it.

Regardless of that, there’s some really great character development here. Every single character has something going on, from the best friend (who’s obsessed with the coffee shop girl) to Charlie, who has several different people she’s trying to please. I’m a big fan of writers who give every character something to do, something important happening in their lives.

Here’s the irony in that, though. There are too many characters here to begin with. And because Jay is so good with character-building, it actually ends up working against him. Because he’s adding storylines for characters that probably shouldn’t be in the script in the first place. Start with Emma, Matt’s dead wife. I’ve seen the “dead wife who talks to the lead character” half a dozen times before in the last two years alone. We even reviewed a script with this exact hook a few months ago.

Then we had characters like Jake (a late boyfriend for Charlie), Charlie’s sister (who has very little to do with anything), Matt’s semi-gf Maddie, and Bunker’s late girlfriend, Christy Turlington. I didn’t care about the specifics of any of these storylines. All I care about are the main characters’ plights. I want to see THOSE characters interacting with one another, not some late “thrown in” character who I barely know or care about.

To me, White Label’s biggest problem might be that there’s TOO MUCH going on. And some of the more important character storylines get lost in the excessiveness of all the subplots and tangents. This script needed someone to come in there and straighten out all the curls. It needed a “simplification comb,” or, to use a music reference, it needed a simpler beat.

Another thing I’m worried about is how similar this is to High Fidelity. It’s music geeks hanging out in a record store talking about music. Clearly, this was an influence for Jay. But there’s a fine line between influence and “the same thing,” and while there are portions of this story that are its own, there are way too many that feel like excerpts from that film.

Moving forward, here’s what I’d recommend to Jay. Streamline the character count (starting with Emma – represent her with a unique record they used to listen to or something, not a physical talking person) and remember that you don’t have to go into every little detail in every little character storyline. The big storylines should take precedence. Drop stuff like Jake and Christy Turlington. We don’t need them. I’d also bring up the story problem earlier. Right now, it’s introduced at the midpoint and that leaves the first half of the script without a story. Introduce their need to save the store at the end of the first act. Also, make “White Label” a bigger part of the story. It sounds like these “white label” records are worth a lot of money. If they went on a search to find one to save the shop (or he had to, say, decide whether to sell the super-valuable white label record he found with Emma that represents their relationship), that’d be more interesting than the cliché “hold a concert to save the shop” climax. Finally, do everything you can to make this NOT feel like High Fidelity. I’m not even sure how you do that, but the more you separate the two, the more this will feel like your own movie as opposed to a homage to the movie you loved.

This script deserves to be read. Jay has some real talent. The only reason I’m not personally recommending it is because it’s not my thing. But do yourself a favor and check it out so you can form your own opinion, especially if you’re a music geek.

[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: I learned this from a recent TV-related article on Vulture, and it stuck with me. If you’re setting your story in the past, try to set it during a transitional time. Transitional times are usually the most exciting and are well-springs for conflict and drama. In this case, we cover a record store during the CD revolution, which is what creates much of the conflict that drives the plot.

Should you write the next Hurt Locker?

So last week I went over the six types of scripts most likely to get you noticed. This week, my plan is depress the hell out of you and do the opposite. I’m going to give you the six types of scripts LEAST likely to get you noticed. And since I know there’s a portion of you probably writing one of these right now, you’ll likely want to castrate me. You’re going to scream-comment, “You’re wrong Carson! You don’t know anything!” And since I live in a country that protects one’s right to speak their mind, I’ll respect your opinion, even if I know it’s wrong.

Truth be told, since Scriptshadow is like a big warm blanket we’re all cuddling under, I don’t want everyone leaving here miserable. The only time I want people leaving the Scriptshadow Blanket is to sell their script. With that in mind, I’m going to offer you an alternative to these career-killing scripts. Think of them as food substitutions. Sure, we all love mayonnaise, but sometimes yogurt can do the trick. I know I’m not going to talk you out of everything, but if I can give you an alternative, maybe we can meet half-way.

Coming-of-Age script
Examples: Garden State, An Education, Beautiful Girls
Ahhh yes. It’s your early 20s. You’re recently out of school and confused about the giant unforgiving world. This leads to a malaise, a depression of sorts, a construct that makes you question the very worth of your everyday life. All you writers in your 30s are chuckling about now. You’ve written these before. Heck, we all have. An average looking main character with nothing going for him. He’s usually coming back to his childhood home. And of course he meets a really hot alternative girl who likes him for no other reason than the story needs her to and… well, you know the rest. Readers dread these scripts because their bosses would rather cut their eyes out than read them (yet they still have to do coverage) and they’re typically just a reason for the writer to complain about his life anyway. People rarely go to the theater to see this kind of film so the chances of one selling on the spec market is miniscule.

What you should do instead: Write a novel! The novel is much more accepting of this kind of story because instead of just seeing our protagonist look depressed for 50 scenes, you can actually write down what’s going on in his head, adding depth and context for why he’s so down on himself. Another option is to write a TV show! Shows like Girls prove that the coming-of-age genre can work in the 30-60 minute format.

Straight Drama
Examples: Winter’s Bone, Rust and Bone, The Words
I’ve already gone into depth on this site about why you don’t want to write dramas but it basically boils down to this. Almost all dramas that are produced are done so through pre-existing properties, mostly adaptations of books or articles. On the rare occasion that one isn’t, it’s usually a writer-director project. Studios tend to bust the straight drama out only when they want to win Academy Awards, and for that reason, only the best of the best writers are called in to pen these.

What you should do instead: Give us a hook! Look for some way to turn your boring straightforward drama into something more exciting. Life of Pi is about a kid stuck in the middle of the ocean with a hungry tiger. The Grey has men after a plane crash fighting off killer wolves. Midnight in Paris has time-travelling. Sure, you can write only about mundane everyday life, but I can almost guarantee you nobody’s going to buy your script if you do.

Fantasy/Sci-fi Fantasy
Examples: Avatar, John Carter, Percy Jackson and the Olympians: Lightning Thief
This kills a lot of writers. Because fantasy and sci-fi fantasy writers have got to be some of the most passionate writers out there. They love that they know all 49 planets in their dual-son solar system, Quazor. They love detailing every little inch of their weapons, like the Sword of Tagatu. They can probably tell you exactly what all 98 of their characters were doing 8 months ago to the day. But here’s the reality: There isn’t a genre readers hate more than this one. In fact, it’s easily the most made-fun of genre there is. Readers love trading stories about how fantasy writers teased their “quintology” at the end of their script. Or how they had seven moons surrounding the main world, three of which were alive. Do you really want to be the writer who readers make fun of?

What you should do instead: Write a self-published e-book. This is becoming an increasingly popular way to get noticed. More and more production companies and studios are buying up self-published books. And within these books, you have more room to get into all those fantastical eccentricities writers in this genre love. Scripts are more about action and energy and moving forward. They tend not to work when they’re bogged down by a million details.

The Sports Movie
Examples: Any Given Sunday, Goal!, Leatherheads
I love a good sports movie. But I learned early on that writing these things is a useless endeavor. You know what ruined it for us sports movie geeks? True stories. Unless it happened for real (Miracle, The Natural, Hoosiers), executives just don’t care because, let’s face it, there’s something a lot more exciting about an event that actually happened. Stay away from this genre unless you want to experience a lot of heartache and a lot of rejection.

What you should do instead: But wait! There are three things that can save you if you love sports so much you can’t write about anything else. First, find an article about an amazing true sports story and option it. That’s your best bet at selling a sports script. If not that, write a boxing/fighting movie. These can still sell if they’re not based on real life. If those two don’t work, write a sports comedy. Comedy is still the leading spec sale genre out there and sports lends itself perfectly to comedy.

An Animated Film
Examples: Hotel Transylvania, Brave, Paranorman
I’ve said it plenty of times before but nobody buys these. Every major animation department in town creates their stories in-house. And you know what? I never understood why. If someone comes up with a better animated movie idea than you, why wouldn’t you buy it? Unfortunately, not everything the studios do makes sense. I mean, someone decided to spend 280 million dollars on a Western. So don’t shoot me on this one. I’m just the messenger.

What you should do instead: A couple of things. Try to get jobs in any department you can at one of the big animation houses. People work their way up the ladder there all the time, many who started as interns. If you hope to ever write an animated film, you’re going to need a direct pipeline to the people who make them. Getting in the door is one of the only ways to do that. Save that, write a live-action script that’s light in nature, somewhat complex, funny, and that has a lot of heart. In other words, an animation film in a live action film’s body. Little Miss Sunshine by Michael Arndt is a perfect example. That’s the kind of movie that the animation houses notice.

A Contemporary War Film
Examples: The Hurt Locker, Green Zone
I keep getting sent these scripts and I keep trying to tell writers, you’re going to have a hell of a time trying to sell these. Contemporary war films just don’t make money because people don’t like to experience pain and suffering in the theater when they experience it every day in the news (for free!). And every producer knows this so every producer is wary of them. Take The Hurt Locker. Won an Oscar. Turned an unknown actor into a star. But it didn’t break 20 million dollars worldwide. Green Zone. Matt Damon, one of the biggest stars in the world. A movie shot similarly to his Bourne franchise. Nobody went to see it. Ditto for a war movie with another huge star in it: George Clooney in Men Who Stare At Goats. I could go on.

What you should do instead: If you must write about war, write a World War 2 film. There’s always an audience for those. Save that, find a GREAT original, unique, compelling, TRUE story with a hook. American Sniper just got Spielberg attached, and that’s because it’s based on a real soldier’s autobiography (that has a spoiler-ish hook to it which I won’t mention here). Still, I have doubts if that project will ever get made because, again, these movies just don’t make money.

There are other genre types I’d be wary of, but I’ll admit this. I have seen spec sale exceptions to every genre I listed above. I have seen people sell contemporary war scripts as well as straight dramas. The point of this article, though, is to steer you away from false hope. You’re already in an industry ruthless for how few people it lets through its doors. Writing in a genre that the industry never responds to is kind of like knowing your blind date hates sports and taking her to a baseball game. Sure, there’s a CHANCE it’ll be an amazing game and she’ll change her mind. But she probably won’t.

However, I know that writers are some of the most stubborn people on the planet. They love to prove people wrong. So if you’re going to ignore all this advice, let me offer up a couple of tips. First, if you’re going to write one of these scripts, make sure it’s because you’re beyond passionate about it. Make sure it’s because you can’t even conceive of writing anything else. And second, add SOME unique spin to it, something that makes your idea fresh. If it’s a contemporary war film, add time travel. If it’s an animated film, tell half the story in the real world. Do something unexpected and that just might be enough to make a producer bite.

Today’s script review challenges the notion of non-traditional narratives.

Genre: Drama/Thriller
Premise: When a Native American girl’s brother is critically injured, she rushes to a nearby military compound for help. But after two soldiers are deployed to find the man, it becomes unclear if their intention is to help or hurt him.
About: Rupert Wyatt directed one of my favorite movies of the last few years, Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Since then, however, he’s been carefully taking his time looking for his next project. I’ve seen him attached to everything from the Apes sequel to The Equalizer. But word on the street is he’s looking to direct one of his own projects. This dark drama-thriller could be in the running.
Writers: Rupert Wyatt and Daniel Hardy
Details: 97 pages

Scriptshadow suggestion: Christian Bale for Patrick

When I first saw Rise of the Planet of the Apes, I was baffled as to what I was actually watching. A big-budget movie that was essentially a silent film? An animal as the main character (no, I’m not referring to James Franco)? A non-traditional narrative? Was I in a 1990’s New York art house or the Arclight in Hollywood?

We’ve had some debate about this before, but USUALLY (not always) scenes tend to be more interesting when you tell them through action as opposed to words. Go ahead, try it. Pop open the script you’re currently working on and pull open a talky scene. Try to do that exact same scene with no words. It’ll probably end up better.

I was curious to see if Wyatt, along with his writing partner, Daniel Hardy, would bring that same approach to this new script. And really, I was just wanted to see what these guys would write about when left to their own devices. Once again, I wasn’t prepared for what would unfold. Like Apes, we have another non-traditional narrative here. The question is, did that choice help or hinder the screenplay?

30 year old Squad Leader John Patrick is the cool, cold soldier under pressure. When you encounter the enemy, there’s no one you’d rather have leading you into battle than this guy. But we aren’t on the battlefield. We’re at a military base in the U.S. with a bunch of soldiers who have nothing to do. And when a bunch of young jarheads with too much testosterone in their blood have a bunch of time on their hands, bad things usually happen.

So one day Patrick, while watching the post with his wet-behind-the-ears partner, Cobb, spots a teenage Native American girl Zote, running towards the base. When they confront her, they find out her older brother has been critically injured and needs help. The two follow Zote into the woods, and we notice that Patrick is particularly interested in finding the brother, despite (supposedly) knowing nothing about him.

Once they get to the spot where the brother is injured, they see that he’s been taken. But where? And by whom? Patrick and Cobb determine that it’s probably whoever hurt him in the first place and he’s likely transporting the brother back someplace where he can finish the job. So they follow the man’s trail in hopes of catching up and saving the brother.

In the meantime, we’re jumping back in time to a parallel storyline that happened a couple of days ago, where Patrick, Cobb and the rest of the station’s soldiers go out drinking at a nearby bar frequented by Indians. After flirting with some Indian girls, we notice Zote’s brother watching the soldiers from the corner of the bar, particularly Patrick’s best friend, Bennett.

Back in the present, Patrick, Cobb and Zote finally find the brother safe in a cabin. It turns out whoever brought him here wanted to help, not hurt, him. But that doesn’t last long. Patrick pulls out a gun and coldly shoots the brother in the face! Holy Moses what the hell just happened?!

As Cobb and Zote wrestle Patrick to the ground, we learn from Patrick and a couple more flashbacks that the brother is responsible for killing Bennett. Patrick and the other soldiers had already tried to kill the brother once, but he obviously survived. That’s why he’s been so hell-bent on catching up to him – to finish the job.

This of course means, unfortunately, that Patrick has to kill the sister as well. But Cobb isn’t down with that and takes Zote on the run. What started as a pursuit now becomes a race to get to safety before Patrick catches up to them and kills them both.

Whoa, this script was a tale of two halves. I’ll be honest. For the first half, I was in “What page am I on?” mode. There were two main reasons for this. First, I couldn’t figure out why Patrick was so set on saving the brother of a girl he didn’t even know. He’s a soldier, not a policeman. Why not call the cops and let them deal with it? The motivation didn’t seem to be there.

Now later on we find out the truth, that he wanted to kill this guy all along. But that’s the thing with hidden motivations. They pay off eventually, but run the risk of frustrating the audience before they get there.

Then there were the flashbacks. In the second half of the script, these flashbacks helped formulate what happened two nights ago and how that led to the present situation. We understand, after Patrick kills the brother, that these two timelines are a cause-and-effect situation.

Before that, however, there’s nothing interesting happening during the past timeline. It’s just a bunch of soldiers hanging out. But what’s worse is that there’s no indication that THERE EVER WILL BE A CONNECTION with that timeline. So we go on for half the movie watching character backstory and nothing more.

However, once Patrick, who is supposed to be our protagonist, takes out that gun and shoots the brother, everything changed. The script literally became a different story. It was almost like a Psycho situation where you’re going, “Wait? Who’s our protagonist now??”

This got me thinking about non-traditional narratives in general. When to use them and when to stay away from them. Having us go through 25 pages of backstory that didn’t seem to be pushing towards anything was a huge risk. It paid off in the end, but I can see some readers being like, “Man, why are we watching all this past stuff when nothing’s happening??” then mentally checking out.

So I think you have to ask yourself WHY you’re using a nontraditional narrative and if it’s the most effective way to tell your story. Are you just doing it to be different? Or is there an actual story purpose for it? And maybe, just as importantly, is there an actual EMOTIONAL purpose for it? What is it you want the audience to FEEL by jumping around in your timeline?

A perfect example is 500 Days Of Summer. The reason the writers kept jumping around between the 500 days of this relationship was to show the emotional toll this was taking on our protagonist. One second (Day 38) he’s having the time of his life with Summer, the next (Day 189) he’s fighting for the relationship’s life. You can’t bring a reader to such a high and then such a low so quickly by showing that relationship linearly.

Getting back to The Trail, I think the key to making this entire script work (and not just the second half) may be to imply something bad is going to happen in the flashback storyline. Because until we get to the bar where the soldiers cross paths with the brother, there’s no indication as to what the purpose of these flashbacks is, and therefore they’re kind of boring.

In good old fashioned storytelling terms, we need some suspense! Tarantino and Hitchcock are masters at this. Indicate a terrible thing will happen, then milk the scene or sequence until that moment arrives. Check out the opening scene of Inglorious Basterds. We indicate the Jews under this floor are going to be murdered, then Tarantino toys with you for the next ten minutes until it happens.

Then again, I’m thinking that Wyatt and Hardy purposely kept things uneventful in those flashbacks so the killing would be a surprise. And it was. And that’s the thing about storytelling. With every choice, you’re making a trade-off. You can never it all. If you could, then everyone would be writing million dollar scripts.

The Trail got good right when it needed to. But it has the potential to be great with some first-half re-writing. I hope Wyatt and Hardy figure it out cause I can’t wait to see what Wyatt does with his next film.

[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Try not to use flashback storylines that run parallel to your present day storylines if all you’re using them for is backstory. Make sure there’s a goal, a mystery, or the implication that something big (usually bad) is going to happen. In short, let the reader know you’re building towards something so that they see the past narrative as a story in itself.

It’s another pilot day here at Scriptshadow. Today we take a look at a show from the writer of Easy A!

Genre: TV Pilot – Comedy/Light Sci-Fi
Premise: A young female filmmaker obsessed with a long since dead rock star, finds herself travelling back in time, where she meets and falls in love with him.
About: This pilot was written by the same writer who wrote “Easy A.” Word on the street is that the script was good, but whoever directed it ruined it and that was the last time poor “Dakota” saw the light of day. Bert Royal is known as a gifted writer who hasn’t had to work very hard for his success. His first professional writing gig, a play, was written while Royal was unemployed and living at his dad’s house. He actually told his father the reason he needed to move in was to “write something,” then promptly spent the next few months doing nothing but watching TV. It wasn’t until his dad asked to see what he was writing that Royal force-fed a play onto the page. Lo and behold, that play went on to get picked up!
Writer: Bert V. Royal
Details: 55 pages

I was talking to Miss Scriptshadow about this one. I said, “I don’t know, Miss Scriptshadow. I don’t think I’m the audience for this. It’s got entitled rich girls who are actresses, directors, and celebutants. There’s a drop-dead gorgeous rock star. There’s a five-minute musical sequence that spans two time periods. As a straight non-female, I just don’t think this was written for me.”

She conceded that I might need some help, particularly because, like Royal, she too is inspired by trashy television. She’s actually seen shows like Gossip Girl and Pretty Little Liars, which clearly inspired Royal. So she snagged the script and we both started reading it. Now in honor of Royal’s love for trashy television, I’ve decided to review this entire pilot while watching The Bachelorette, which is down to the hometown dates.

Oh come on, Des! You have zero chemistry with Zak and don’t like him! You should’ve never met his family. #dontleadmenon

Dakota follows 22 year old Maya Beaumont. Maya is obsessed with this hot (and talented) rock star who committed suicide 20 years ago named Joey Dakota (a cross between Jeff Buckley and Jim Morrison I’m guessing). It just so happens Maya is the daughter of Joey’s manager and best friend, Nicky, which has given her some extra insight into the singer’s life. Unfortunately, her parents died in a car accident when she was five, so she doesn’t know much about them either.

This is probably why she just finished a documentary on Dakota’s music and tragic death. So much of her life is connected to this man, that the more she can learn about him, the better. Her obsession isn’t exactly helping her love life though. She’s scared off every boyfriend she’s ever had since none of them feel like they can measure up to the brooding Joey Dakota.

Oh my gawd, the family is actually SINGING A SONG they wrote for Des. Most awkward hometown date EV-ER!

So one day, Maya is minding her own business when she gets a secret package under the door that says “Joey Dakota didn’t commit suicide.” She rips opens the package, which has a CD with a song inside called “Come Back To Me,” that to Maya’s knowledge has never been recorded. Listening to the song makes her woozy and she passes out. When she wakes up, it’s 1990, the prime of Joey’s career!

The two bump into each other after one of his concerts and start hanging out, instantly falling in love. Ironically, Joey’s manager, Nicky (who will give birth to Maya in a few years) doesn’t like this mysterious chick who came out of nowhere and tells Joey to ditch her. That problem takes care of itself though, as Maya eventually wakes up back in the present day.

To me, Drew is just creepy. There’s something “American Psycho” about him. Don’t The Bachelor producers see this? Where is Chris Harrison when you need him?

There, she tries to convince her hot actress best friend that she travelled back in time and met Joey. Kinda believing her, they locate the man who sent her the mysterious CD. He tells her he can get her back to see Joey again. She’s excited, as she also wants to talk with her parents more. The man is taken aback. “Nobody’s told you,” he says. “Told me what?” “Your father’s not dead.” “He’s not?” “Your father is in prison. For the murder of Joey Dakota.”

Duh duh duh duhhhhhh. The End.

It’s Week 3 of my Pilot Warm-Up reviews and while I’m definitely becoming more familiar with these small-screen Rubik’s cubes, I’m not sure I’m reading the best material out there. I’ve gotten to the point where I know most of the feature writers. So if a script comes in, I have a good idea if it’s going to be good just by seeing who wrote it. Here, I’m more in the dark. Just because you’re a good feature writer doesn’t mean you’re going to be a good TV writer. So if you know of any good TV pilots, out there, send them to me!

Speaking of, as I read this, I couldn’t help but notice it felt more like a movie than a TV show. There really aren’t that many characters, which leaves very few people we want to continue to get to know as the show goes on. Everything comes down to this relationship between Maya and Joey, and I don’t know if that’s enough.

This is so awkward. This guy’s dad, who’s a chiropractor, is giving Desiree a back alignment! Not cool for a first time ‘meet the parents’ moment.

Are we just going to keep bouncing back and forth between the present and the past, with Maya continuously screwing up the timeline? I’d imagine that’d get boring by episode 6. While I didn’t fall in love with County last week, I could at least see characters that had long-term potential. For example, the main character was clearly going to have to fight against his flaw of wanting to help everyone in a system designed to help no one. It’s easy to imagine a hundred episodes of that. I’m not sure we even deal with any character flaws here, and character flaws that can’t be overcome are the heart of television, aren’t they?

#bachelorette. Chris says “there’s no way any of the other guys have a connection like us,” but I see no way he’s making it to the final two. #deadmanwalking

Another thing you have to establish (in a TV pilot or a movie) is the character hierarchy. Who’s who and what’s their connection to everyone else? The way all of the key characters were connected here felt clumsy. We meet Maya premiering her documentary about Joey Dakota, and her obsession with Dakota feels the way a daughter would obsess over the father she never had. But, of course, if Dakota is her father, that neutralizes any romantic storyline between the two, so Dakota is moved from a father to the friend and client of Nicky, who is Maya’s father. The best way I can describe this is it felt “made up.” Joey Dakota even lives in Nicky’s house, who’s married. What international rock star lives in his manager and wife’s home??

On top of all this, “Dakota” is so plot-based (needing to set up Maya’s obsession with Joey Dakota, the backstory of her parents, the time-travelling, and the two falling in love) that it took away from Royal’s biggest strength – his dialogue! That’s what really shined and what set him apart when he broke through with Easy A. I remember when that script came out, everyone kept saying, “the dialogue, the dialogue, the dialogue!” We get a little of that here with Maya and her friends, and then flashes of it with her and Dakota, but otherwise we’re too busy jumping from plot-point to plot point.

#bachelornation Oh my God! Zak threw his family heirloom ring OUT THE WINDOW after getting dumped. O.M.G.! Top Ten Bachelor Moment!!!

This is proof of just how difficult pilots can be, in that you have to set up all your characters AND your plot in this tiny little 45 minute chunk. This is particularly true with a pilot that’s plot-centric, like this one. If I were a show-runner on this (which I’m sure network execs would just be thrilled about) I’d work really hard to develop ALL the other characters and not just the main two. And I wouldn’t make everyone so vapid (not everybody has to be beautiful and stupid). I would try to get into who these people were and how they became this way. Isn’t that why we write TV, to explore people? I asked Miss SS if this was an accurate representation of the script and she looked at me and said, “Huh?” “The pilot?” I said. “What’d you think?” “Oh, I stopped reading that an hour ago. I’m watching The Bachelorette now.”

[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: If you’re going to write a pilot that’s plot-heavy, know that writing in all that plot is going to take time away from setting up your characters. Since almost all TV is character-based, this is a risky move.

If you want to see me review more pilots, send me the good professional pilots that are out there! carsonreeves1@gmail.com.

The Other Star Wars had the most difficult job of any script I’ve ever read. It followed my viewing of Sharknado, the greatest movie in history.

Amateur Friday Submission Process: To submit your script for an Amateur Review, send in a PDF of your script, a PDF of the first ten pages of your script, your title, genre, logline, and finally, why I should read your script. Use my submission address please: Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Your script and “first ten” will be posted. If you’re nervous about the effects of a bad review, feel free to use an alias name and/or title. It’s a good idea to resubmit every couple of weeks so your submission stays near the top.

Genre: Comedy/Satire
Premise: (from writer) When President Reagan announces his Strategic Defense Initiative, it sets off a chain of increasingly outrageous misunderstandings between the KGB, CIA… and George Lucas. Only a fanboy-slacker can help avert nuclear disaster.
About: This script won the Amateur Offerings Weekend a couple of weeks ago. Submit your script (details up top) to get on the list. Best of the 5 picked that week will get a review. So make sure to submit a snazzy, well-crafted logline and a great query letter!
Writer: Paul Jarnagin
Details: 111 pages – (this draft has been slightly updated from the newsletter draft based off notes the writer received).

I’ve cooled on comedies lately because I’ve read so many bad ones over the past couple of years. But when you mix in Star Wars, my midichlorians start to tingle and everything’s a-okay in the galaxy once more. “Use the force, young Carson. Review this script,” are the words I hear from my Jedi Master, the late great Togan Sheeves.

And, of course, anything that gets me thinking about Episode 7 is good. For those who haven’t joined my newsletter yet, you should know I’m actually holding a Star Wars script contest that culminates at the end of the year. You write a Star Wars script, and I review the best five submitted. Write a sequel, a spin-off, any story that could happen in the Star Wars universe. We’ve been complaining about the prequels forever now. Show Disney you can do better and maybe they’ll buy your script. Now, onto TODAY’S Star Wars script.

It’s 1982. Tensions are high between the world’s two superpowers, the U.S. and the U.S.S.R. At any moment, someone could lob a nuclear missile at the other and begin the destruction of the planet. Not an optimistic time.

Which is why President Ronald Reagan and his group of advisors come up with SDI, a missile defense shield that will prevent any Soviet missiles from penetrating U.S. airspace. His team decides to designate this project, “Star Wars.”

Over in San Francisco, George Lucas hears about this and gets pissed. He’s about to release Return of the Jedi and the last thing he wants to worry about is politics. Little does George know, however, that the Soviets are VERY interested in him. Convinced that George’s movies hold some secret tidbits about the SDI program, the Soviets sneak into Skywalker Ranch, break into George’s biggest vault, and steal what’s inside – a single, mysterious video tape.

Hoping they can gleam clues from it, the Soviets bring the tape back to Russia and make hundreds of KGB agents watch it around the clock. The tape turns out to be The Star Wars Christmas Special, the single worst movie ever made. Worse than Sharknado 2: Shrimpicane. This plan has an unintended effect: after watching the tape, all of the agents go insane.

Meanwhile, across the galaxy (or the ocean), we have our hero, 21 year old Kent Macleroy. Kent is a jobless, penniless slacker who spends most of his time as the dungeon master in a 3 person Dungeons and Dragons group. Kent’s busy being a nobody when he’s suddenly recruited by the CIA for his unhealthy knowledge of Star Wars.

You see, the CIA has caught wind of the KGB’s obsession with George Lucas and now believe that Lucas is the key to this whole equation. So, Kent heads over to the CIA and just starts answering Star Wars questions for them (i.e. “Who is that little guy who sits next to Jabba The Hut?” “What are Ewoks?”). They then use this information to try and one-up the Soviets.

In the end, there’s a lot of posturing and positioning and red-tape ripping from the three major players– the Soviets, the CIA, and George Lucas. Only a miracle is going to prevent world disaster, not necessarily from a nuclear war, but from the The Star Wars Christmas Special being released again.

Looking back at “The Other Star Wars,” I’m sad to say I didn’t laugh much. And I’m not sure why.  I’m thinking it could be the whole “satire” thing. Satire scares me. It puts this “serious” slant on humor, which seems to contradict the very meaning of humor. Whenever I see the word, I feel like I need to get myself in “intelligent mode,” which forces me to pay attention more, which gets me all tense, which completely takes me out of the mood to laugh.

But even if that isn’t a problem for you (I’m sure it’s not), there are still some big issues that need fixing. First, the main character is barely a part of the story. I’m not even sure Kent has to be in this script. He’s basically an observer, and I would argue the fourth most important entity behind the CIA, the KGB, and Lucas. It’s possible, of course, to write a good movie without a main character, but it’s usually a death star sentence. Audiences like to identify with someone, hop on someone’s back, and root for them. I’m not sure Kent had enough weight to be a main character.  He didn’t have any presence.

And even if he did, he wasn’t doing anything. He was just observing. You’d like for your protagonist to be active, to drive the story, but Kent was more of commenter, constantly telling the CIA how stupid they were for believing that Lucas had anything to do with this. Which was funny, but you need your main character to do more than comment and observe in a script.

The next big issue was the lack of stakes. It wasn’t clear what happened if everybody didn’t get this sorted out. The logline ends with “help avert nuclear disaster,” but unless I missed something (which is possible – I found my mind wandering due to the lack of an engaging protagonist), there’s no impending nuclear disaster. This would be an easy fix. When the Soviets find out that the U.S. is instituting a missile defense shield, why not decide to launch an attack before the shield can go up? Now you have your movie’s ticking time bomb (literally) and everything everyone does has a lot more weight, because world destruction is only a button-press away.

Finally, the story became unnecessarily confusing. Again, a script read is a compound process. When a reader doesn’t like one thing, he starts to check out a little. When he doesn’t like another, he checks out more. Doesn’t like another, happens again. It’s human nature. And those two things (the lack of a solid hero and the lack of stakes) were so big, by the time the second half came around, my head wasn’t in it.

Still, I had trouble keeping up. I understood the Soviets motivation for going after Lucas’s stuff. But I was never clear on what the CIA was doing. They wanted to learn Star Wars in order to… understand why the KGB wanted to learn about Star Wars? Everything between the CIA and George Lucas was muddled. It needed to be laid out more clearly. And I think this goes back to that lack of a doomsday scenario. Because we were never sure what anyone was trying to prevent (no missile was in danger of being launched), it was hard to discern everyone’s motivations.

This was a cool idea, but I think for it to really sparkle, Paul would need to create a more present and active protagonist, inject higher stakes, and clear up what everyone is after. I wish him the best. Always rooting for my fellow Star Wars fans. ☺

Script link: The Other Star Wars

[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: If a character isn’t described when he’s introduced, I know immediately that the character is going to have problems. That’s the most basic form of character identification there is – the physical description. So if that’s not there, it tells me the writer didn’t look into his backstory, his flaws, his fears, his dreams, his secrets. Kent wasn’t described when introduced, and sure enough, he wasn’t active or present in the story.