It’s “Alternative Draft Week” here at Scriptshadow, where we look at alternative drafts from the movies you loved (or hated). In some cases, these drafts are said to be better, in others, worse, or in others still, just plain different. Either way, it’s interesting to see what could’ve been. Yesterday, Roger reviewed a James Cameron draft of “First Blood 2.” Today, I’m reviewing one of my favorite spec stories of all time, Penn and Leff’s draft of “The Last Action Hero.”

Genre: Action-Comedy
Premise: A high school kid finds himself inside the world of his favorite action star’s new movie. He uses his extensive knowledge of action films to help the hero, Arno Slater, navigate the story and beat the bad guys.
About: Zak Penn and Adam Leff wrote this as their very first screenplay and sold it soonafter. It was subsequently rewritten by Shane Black, which is the draft that made it to theaters. The story goes that those who originally championed the project felt that a cool edgy flick was turned into a silly watered down PG-13 piece of garbage. There are still hurt feelings about the project to this day. Penn has gone on to write the two X-Men sequels, Elektra, and The Incredible Hulk. Leff wrote another script with Penn, PCU, as well as Bio-Dome.
Writers: Zak Penn and Adam Leff
Details: 124 pages (9/9/91 draft)

The Last Action Hero saga is one of my favorite Hollywood stories, and something I’ve written about before. This shows exactly how a seemingly good idea (relatively speaking) can get stirred and shaken and slammed around in Development to the point where it becomes an utter piece of shit, resulting in the kind of movie that convinces the average movie-goer that anyone can write a Hollywood film. For those who don’t know about the way it all went down, settle in and enjoy yourselves. This is a good one.

It all started back in 1991, when Zak Penn and Adam Leff, two college students, thought they could slap together a screenplay and sell it for a million bucks. The idea was to write a screenplay spoofing the action films of the 80s. They called it, “Extremely Violent” and it was about an Arnold Swarchenegger-type action star whose world was rocked when an extremely movie-savvy 15 year old magically crossed from the real world into his film. They thought it would be great to have a guy saying all the things that the audience was thinking, such as, “You should go save your wife now before they use her as a pawn against you later!” Basically the action equivalent of Scream before Scream was made.

The two had one of those “friend of a friend” contacts in the business, who read the script and liked it enough to recommend it to an up-and-coming agent by the name of Chris Moore (yes, Project Greenlight Chris Moore). For those who argue that Hollywood is all a game of luck and chance, this next portion of the story is your ammo. Being Hollywood’s Golden Boy at the time, Moore had hundreds of scripts he was supposed to read, and probably the lowest script on the totem pole was some garbage by a couple of college kids who obviously only got their script on his desk through a friend trying to help them out. Since Moore rarely had any time to read anyway, it was likely this script would never be read. But it just so happened that on that day, his lunch date canceled, and he had nothing to do for an hour. “Extremely Violent” was sitting on the top of the pile, so he thought “What the hell?” picked it up, and started reading it. He instantly fell in love with it. Thought the tone and the story were perfect. And it immediately become his number 1 priority project.

So Penn and Leff got the call of a lifetime (which they, of course, thought was normal, having no Hollywood experience). A big agent loves your script. They’re going to try and sell it. The script goes out, and low and behold, it SELLS for hundreds of thousands of dollars! Two college kids are living the dream. It’s true! Anybody can write a screenplay! (that’s the sound of me sighing)

Zak Penn

But Moore didn’t want to just sell this thing. He wanted to get it made. So began the next step, which was to package the script with the kind of talent that would bring buzz to the project. Of course at that time, there was no bigger name in the writing world than Shane Black, the author of such films as Lethal Weapon and The Last Boy Scout. Now the irony here was that Penn and Leff wrote the script parodying Black’s writing style (in the same way that the movie parodied action films). But all that was white noise. Moore knew if he could get the hot Black onboard in some capacity, the film would have a shot at getting made. So they sent him the script, and low and behold, Shane loved it! He immediately decided he wanted to produce the project.

Now even though Shane was on as producer, the unspoken hope of everyone was that Shane would rewrite it. With Shane being the hottest writer in town, a script written by him was guaranteed to be made. Although Shane resisted at first (he’d never rewritten anyone before) there was a key piece of the puzzle that needed to be addressed. For this project to be a sure-fire go-picture, they needed an A-List star. And the obvious choice to play the main character in the movie was the biggest movie star in the world – Arnold Swarchenegger. The likelihood of Swarchenegger signing on to a script written by two nobodies was slim. But if Shane Black rewrote the script….then maybe – just maybe – they could nab him. And so the rewrite process began.

Everything started off wonderfully. Shane told Penn and Leff that all of their ideas were welcome. He would send them pages, get their take, and a collaborative effort would be made to bring this thing home. After the very first exchange of pages however, Penn was livid. He felt that even in these small doses, Shane had already ruined a lot of the key things that made the script work. After a couple more meetings, things became so heated that fights almost broke out. In retrospect, the reason for this is fairly obvious. You had a writer who had never rewritten anyone before. And you had a writing pair that didn’t understand how the development process worked (just the fact that they were *invited* to participate in the rewrite should’ve been cause for celebration). Since there was obviously no way the project could continue this way, Penn and Leff were told to take a hike.

Here is Penn’s explanation of why the changes Shane made were so terrible…”They added mobsters. They’re taking the movie out of the strict action movie genre and trying to make it a parody of many different kinds of movies. Some of it’s a parody of James Bond movies, some of it’s a parody of action movies, and some of it’s a parody of buddy camp noirish movies. It’s pretty astounding to see how badly they screwed it up,” Penn said, laughing.

Zak felt that Shane shifted the parody of the hero to much more of the Mel Gibson-Bruce Willis archetype. The “wisecracking, angry down-on-his-luck cop, which is a pretty enormous change and pretty much pervades every line of Arnold’s dialogue. I think, frankly, that it hurts the movie tremendously, because the whole point of the movie was the counterpoint between the kid who’s smart and like us, and the other character who’s a fantasy character, who’s an idiot, who’s literally one-dimensional.”

Shane shot back that Penn can say what he wants, but the reality is that his draft is the one that got Arnold on board, and therefore ultimately got the movie made. Now whether the script got Arnold on board because Arnold genuinely liked it, or because Shane was the biggest writer in town and his vision was more trusted, we’ll probably never know (unless anyone’s got a direct line to the Govenator). But this brings up a larger issue, and one of the major failures of the development system – which is letting an actor influence or change key aspects of a story. Most actors don’t understand how to craft a story, just like most writers don’t understand how to craft a performance. Any time you allow an actor to change major story elements, you’re playing with fire, and this is exactly what happened when Swarcheneggar demanded changes.

Shane Black

Arnold was initially disappointed that his character was too “two-dimensional” and wanted his character to be deeper. On the surface this sounds like a smart request. “Three-dimensional character” is a buzzword the industry lives by. But the whole point of Arnold’s character WAS that he was two-dimensional. That’s why he does all these dumb things. That’s why he needs the help of a 15 year old kid. That’s the exact thing the movie is making fun of, the fact that these action characters are so two-dimensional. So by adhering to this request, the writers and producers were knowingly making the movie worse. Of course, what was the alternative? Let the biggest action star in the world walk? Of course not. You gotta do what he says.

The final straw in the original writers’ eyes was to change the kid’s age from 15 to 12. This ended up sanitizing the harder edge they were going for and officially turned the movie into a kiddie film. The thought behind the choice was, younger kid equals broader appeal which equals larger box office, but the opposite actually happened. The audience sniffed out that the producers were trying to please everybody, and stayed away in droves (though I’m not convinced this decision wasn’t influenced by the fact that the John Conner character from Terminator 2 – released just two years prior – was closer in age and tone to the Danny character from Penn and Leff’s draft – maybe they were afraid the characters would come off as too similar?).

But I think the ultimate question here is, was the spec draft really any better than the script that became the film? Or was this a misread from the get-go, a silly idea that never should’ve been turned into a movie in the first place? Interestingly enough, Chris Moore still talks about the project, haunted by the fact that it turned out so bad. He still believes it could be made into a great movie, and looks forward to the day when everyone’s forgotten it, so he can remake the thing and try again.

THE REVIEW

Now I was told the draft I read was the original spec but looking at the title page, it’s titled, “The Last Action Hero.” Since we know the original spec was titled, “Extremely Violent,” this may be one draft removed from that spec. Chances are it was probably an attempt to clean up the script before they sent it out to the big names, like Shane Black. Anyway, something to keep in mind.

“The Last Action Hero” introduces us to 15 year old Danny, a clever but introverted kid who embraces his loner label by escaping into the beautiful city of New York, or, more specifically, an old rundown movie theater where he watches as many movies as they’ll play in a day. His favorite films are those starring super action star “Arno Slater,” whose new movie, “Extremely Violent” is coming out next week.

The reclusive projectionist of the theater (and Danny’s only friend) sets up a private screening for him so he can watch “Extremely Violent” before anyone else. During the screening, a tear in the screen causes a cosmic merging of reality and fantasy and sucks Danny into the very movie he’s watching. Before he knows it, he’s standing right next to his hero, Arno Slater!

The two are immediately attacked by the film-within-a-film’s bad guys, “The Twins,” and not only do the Twins promise to kill Arno, they promise to kill his new friend (Danny) as well! For this reason, Danny and Arno have to stay together so Arno can protect him.

Danny figures this is probably a dream and decides to ride it out. He warns Arno that because of the collateral damage he caused in his previous action scene with The Twins, he’s about to be screamed at by his always-angry captain, but Arno doesn’t know what he’s talking about (he’s a movie character and therefore has no idea what’s coming around the corner, even though it’s obvious to all of us). He’s completely shocked then when they get back to the station and he’s screamed at by his captain! Danny was right! But how did he know that? This is followed by another typically 80s action movie scene where Arno goes home to his purposefully cliché wife who only exists to dress his wounds and tell him everything’s going to be okay.

Danny becomes acutely aware that this world he’s in operates exclusively under movie conventions, and realizes he can prevent a lot of the unnecessary danger and violence that Arno would encounter. He points out that the real issue isn’t the Twins, but the big ultimate conspiracy. If they can figure out the conspiracy now, they don’t even have to deal with The Twins or any other nonsense. In essence, they can cut straight to the end. All this does though is make Arno’s head hurt because he doesn’t think three moves ahead. He thinks like an action-movie hero, in the here and now. And the here and now usually involves shooting a bunch of bad guys and figuring out the consequences later.

This sort of back-and-forth is the central conflict of the story. Danny tries to teach Arno how to think three steps ahead and avoid all unnecessary violence, and Arno resists, preferring to shoot the hell out of anyone who gives him a mean look (again, very similar to Terminator 2, which makes me think that a lot of Black’s changes were out of his hands – he had to make them to differentiate the dynamic between the two films).

The Last Action Hero is actually a good idea for a movie. Part of the fun of watching popcorn films is predicting what’s going to happen next, which, even if you’re a minor movie buff, is fairly easy. To create a character who essentially says what all of us are already thinking is the kind of device that plays well if done right. Especially back in the 80s when every action film was so mindlessly predictable.

But my biggest problem with the script is that it doesn’t take advantage of this opportunity. For example, when Danny and Arno go back to the precinct, Danny observes, “You’re about to get chewed out by your captain.” Where is the drama inherent in a random observation like that? Why aren’t we using Danny’s “powers” to create drama? For instance, it would be much more interesting if, say, he offered: “No no. You can’t go back to the precinct. Your captain’s going to yell at you and take away your badge and then you won’t be able to stay on the case!” Now Arno has to make a decision. Does he listen to the kid or ignore him? Because a choice is involved, the moment is dramatic. Same goes for the following wound-dressing scene. It’s sorta funny to see a paper-thin female lead exist only to dress Arno’s wounds, but if it’s just observational, then all we’re doing is spoofing action flicks a la “Scary Movie.” Danny doesn’t even need to be there for that. And if Danny doesn’t need to be there, what’s the point of having him in the first place?

This eventually changes later in the script when Danny starts calling the shots. He tells Arno they need to go get his wife so the bad guys can’t use her as a pawn later (which is kinda funny because the wife is so used to being used as a pawn that she actually resists being protected before she needs to be). And then, instead of going into a lair full of bad guys where he’ll surely get hurt, Danny advises Arno to go to a public place and call 50 policeman for backup so there’s no way the bad guys can possibly hurt him. Now we’re taking advantage of the concept, but it was a full 75 pages into the story, and in my opinion, too late. By that point, I’d checked out.

I’m also surprised, taking into account the nature of the story, Penn was so pissed about Black’s decision to turn Arno into more of a “Gibson/Willis” archetype. Swarchenegger wasn’t known for being a cop in his films, so the fact that Penn and Leff made him one already went against how we identify Swarchenegger. So Black extending that into the Gibson/Willis arena was at the very least a natural progression of what they’d already started.

Anyway, my guess is that “The Last Action Hero” is one of those scripts that was lucky to be written in the golden age of specs, when a great concept was all you needed for a sale. It likely wouldn’t have a chance in today’s stingy market. Though in fairness you could say that about most specs of yesteryear.

So which draft do you like better? Or should this script even have been purchased in the first place?

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Well first of all, I think you need to exploit your concept to the fullest. Whenever you come up with a great movie idea, you want to sit down and write out all the possible scenarios that will best take advantage of that idea, then include all the “hits” from that list in your script. But because this script is really about deconstructing clichés, it’s a good reminder to always perform a “cliché check” run-through of your script. Read through it with the specific intent of asking yourself at every stage, “Will the audience know what scene is next?” “Will the audience know what line is next?” Because stories have a certain pattern, there is going to be an inherent predictability to your story. But the key moments should be unexpected and original.

For those who want to hear Zak’s reaction to the ordeal, follow this link.

The story behind “The Last Action Hero” comes from the book, “The Big Deal,” by Thom Taylor, which details the development process on a number of spec screenplays. You can find the book on Amazon here.

Michael Stark is here for the sequel of, “Ten Books That Need To Be Turned Into Movies.” His taste gives the list a distinct new flavor. Because there’s so much script-book crossover reading, I’m wondering if I shouldn’t start putting up some book reviews on the site. Any book fans out there that would like to write some reviews for the site? Maybe you could submit something to me. In the meantime, get those lists ready cause tomorrow (Wednesday) at noon, I’m putting up the “Reader Script Faves” post. Get your top 10 scripts lists ready. :) Here’s Michael Stark…

That ever-so-polite-and-gracious Roger Balfour neglected to tell you faithful readers who gave him the idea for his little book report a few weeks back. It generated a ton of discussions (that’s what Script Shadow lives for) and a few other fringe benefits for good old Rog.

After his alter ego got all that brainy, literary, cyber tail, here I am in the internet bookstore I run out of my house, lonely, unappreciated, looking through my dusty tomes for a few suggestions for part deux.

Here are my ten:

1. High Rise by J.G. Ballard

“As he sat on his balcony eating the dog, Dr Robert Laing reflected on the unusual events that had taken place within this huge apartment building during the previous three months.”

Think The Lord of the Flies set in The Towering Inferno.

Now, this is by the guy who wrote Crash. Not the Academy Award winning, Paul Haggis, real life in LA, multi-culti/multi-cast/multi-storied Crash, but the Crash about Symphorophiliac sickos who can only get off by getting themselves into sensational, limb-losing car accidents.

Yup, that Crash. Ballard is kinda the English Gentleman version of Chuck Palahniuk.

High Rise is pretty sick too. Probably would need David Cronenberg directing to pull it off. I think the nightmares I got after reading it is what got me off the concrete island of Manhattan and into a nice, little house in rural Georgia.

Written in 1975, the social relevance is timeless. Cram too many people in a fabulous high-rise apartment complex with all the amenities and modern conveniences (gym, shops, pool, high-speed elevators, an Urban Outfitters, etc) that you pretty much never have to leave …

And, then, let the building go to total shit …

And, then, watch what happens to the inhabitants.

It’s like the Tipping point. Once the building starts breaking down, society starts breaking down too. Class systems emerge and begin warring against each other. Floors vs. Floor.

Eventually, none of the condo owners are going to work or even stepping foot outside the building. They remain inside to fight and protect their turf. When food sources start to dwindle, the annoying barking dog across the hall suddenly becomes fair game. And, perhaps, a few weeks later, the gal who snubbed you in the laundromat.

It’s George Romero directing an episode of Big Brother.

Okay, I’m not the only freaky fan who wants to see this on film. Producer, Jeremy Thomson, has owned the rights for nearly thirty years! Someone, please, help the guy out!!!

2. THE TOMB by F. Paul Wilson

“The Tomb is one of the best all-out adventure stories I’ve read in years.” – Stephen King (President of the Repairman Jack fan club)

Nuff said. Who can argue with Uncle Stevie?

Repairman Jack isn’t the fix it guy you call when your old Norge is on the fritz or the john is overflowing, but he’ll definitely crawl through some pretty serious shit for a client. It’s like hiring Burn Notice’s Michael Westen and getting all the Ghost Busters along for the ride.

The Tomb was the first of a planned 15-book cycle (not including some short stories and young adult novels) featuring Jack, the Manhattan Mercenary for the Little Guy that can’t help but take cases that are gonna veer mid-way through off into the supernatural.

Jack, not unlike Lee Child’s Jack Reacher, lives pretty much off the grid. He doesn’t have a last name, vote, pay taxes or talk to census-takers. Unlike most action/adventure heroes, he’s pretty much an average guy without super powers or military training. He’s just naturally good at bashing bad guys whenever the Joe Franklin Show isn’t on.

In The Tomb, Repairman Jack is asked to retrieve a stolen necklace. Of course, his client neglects to tell him about the ancient curse it carries and the Bengali demons it’ll ultimately unleash. And, that said demons – the Rakoshi — would be going after the adorable daughter of Jack’s extremely hot ex-girlfriend.

Chicago may have hosted the Night Stalker and Harry Dresden, but NYC and the Boroughs are the perfect stomping grounds for Jack and “The Otherness” monsters he keeps finding himself pitted against.

Jack has been able to get himself out of a lot of tough scrapes, but hasn’t been able to budge from development hell. According to Wilson, six screenwriters have had at this potential franchise over the past 12 years.

Possible solution: Episodic TV ala the Dresden Files? I’m just saying…

3. Let it Blurt by Jim DeRogatis

“The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you’re uncool.” — Lester Bangs

A lot of people got introduced to the wisdom of Lester Bangs when Philip Seymour Hoffman played the world-weary bear of a rock critic in Cameron Crowe’s Almost Famous.

I grew up reading Lester’s rants in Creem magazine, back in the early 80s, when music really, really, really sucked. And, this wonderful, wonderful man introduced me to an exciting, new type of soundz that was only a 45-minute train ride away from my nice, safe Long Island home. He changed my life. Changed millions of others too.

He wasn’t just a rock critic. He was the Hunter S. Thompson of the music world. I mean, Lord, the guy could write a 30,000 word screed of a record review that talked to your soul. So, why isn’t he in the Hall of Fame? Bangs pretty much championed heavy metal and punk when Rock n Roll seemed to be on its last legs.

I know they’ve been trying to develop Please Kill Me, the Oral History of Punk into a movie for the longest time. I’ll help you guys out. If you suits wanna make a flick about the time period when punk rock broke, ya do it by focusing on the man who coined the fucking term. You shoot it through his eyes and ears.

Bio pics ain’t easy. And, movies about writers seem to be the ultimate taboo in Hollywood. But, the life of Bangs is the exception. He partied faster and louder than any of the rock stars he wrote about. Growing up with a fervent Jehovah’s Witness of a mother, Lester would grow up to evangelize just as hard and passionately about the Devil’s music she despised.

The book starts out with Bangs jamming onstage with the J. Geils band in a packed out arena, the critic, playing what else? — An electric typewriter! TAT TAT TAT along with the noize. Now, if that ain’t a great opening sequence, I don’t know what is.

Ya got his ongoing battle against the corporate suits making shitty albums, his longstanding feud with Lou Reed and a cast of supporting characters that include Alice Cooper, Patti Smith, Iggy Pop, The Ramones and the Clash. Who the hell wouldn’t want to be in this movie, playing their favorite rock icon?!! Who wouldn’t want to play Lou Reed? Who wouldn’t wanna be Bangs?

4. The Travis McGee novels by John D. MacDonald.

Again, you gonna argue with Uncle Stevie?

Some of you kids will know John D. Macdonald for penning the book that would become Cape Fear. But, Man, the prolific sonofagun penned 78 freaking books! Most of them extremely worthy of your time.

Travis appeared in 21 of them. Ask any mystery fan. This is the guy they most want turned into a celluloid hero.

And, yeah, they tried before. And, failed. First in 1970 with Rod Taylor. Then, again, in 1983 with Sam Elliot, for a failed TV pilot. The first clue that they fucked it all to hell was when they moved the famed local from Fort Lauderdale to Southern California. Sheesh!

Unlike other detectives, McGee is neither a cop nor a gum shoe. He’s a “salvage consultant” who recovers your lost or stolen property for half their value. He is a tough guy, knight-errant, beach bum, sex therapist and philosopher. Like Carl Hiaasen many years later, MacDonald uses his character to make comment on the corruption and trashing of his home state.

McGee lives on a houseboat, “The Busted Flush”, that he won in a poker game and drives a custom Rolls Royce, Miss Agnes, that has been transformed into a pick-up truck. His best friend is Meyer, a hairy economist who often provides the Holmesian deduction skills to solve their cases. Ha! His boat is called The John Maynard Keynes.

Fiercely independent, McGee would retire after every case. Then take on a new client only after the money had run out -– or if the client was an old friend (the man had honor) or was exceptionally hot (the man was also pretty horny). Each case had enough corrupt businessmen and sadistic killers to keep things interesting.

McGee is also a product of his times. Half paternal figure and half Hugh Hefner. I guess he’s the fictional character most of us bookworms wish we could be. I’d live on a houseboat too if it weren’t for my blasted allergies!

A rumor has it that Leo is damned close to playing him. YEA!!!! Wish fulfillment. Just keep it in Florida, dudes. Or a lot of librarians are gonna be after you.

5. Carter Beats the Devil by Glen David Gold.

Remember how much Script Shadow raved about the unproduced script, Smoke and Mirrors? Well, who the hell doesn’t love period pieces with magicians?

If Captain Carson would’ve let me, I probably could have populated this entire list with tomes and bios about showmen, tricksters and prestidigitators.

That’s my thing. I love magic. My first paying job as a tween was doing kiddie magic shows.

So, Carter edged out Robertson Davies’ Fifth Business for the conjuring book I most want to see on the big screen. Good job, Mr. Gold. Beating out the Canadian Gabriel Garcia Marquez is a pretty freaking impressive feat.

And, it’s his first freaking novel too.

I’m enamored … and fucking jealous.

Early 20th Century San Francisco. Famed illusionist Charles Carter, has to flee the country after the President, Warren G. Harding, mysteriously dies after volunteering for one of his tricks.

In his act, in front of a sold out crowd, he had chopped the president into little pieces, cut off his head and fed him to a lion, before restoring him to prefect health.

Now, that’s a tough act to follow. Try that David Blaine!

This book has got every trick in the book. Sideshows, handsome FBI agents, beautiful blind chicks, impossible escapes, The Marx brothers, caged beasts, fast motorcycles, the invention of television and plenty of schemes and scoundrels with devastating secrets.

How does it end? Pretty much in the show to beat all shows. Carter must indeed beat the devil to save the ones he loves.

Shit. The whole book is just that magical.

From what I’ve read, Magic-loving Tom Cruise (He had Mandrake, Houdini and Blackstone pics in development too) still has the rights to the book.

Thus, unless Robert Towne starts waving a magic wand soon, escape from development hell looks hopeless.

6. Secret Dead Men by Duane Swierczynski.

“Learning how to operate a soul figures to take time.” – Timothy Leary

A few weeks ago, Roger put Swierczynski’s Severance Package on his list of adaptations he’d most like to see.

Yup, I’d love to see that one get made too, but Secret Dead Men is my fave. It’s the one they’re gonna have to reunite Spike Jonez and Charlie Kaufman to pull off. It’s one of the most surreal, metaphysical novels I’ve ever read.

And, it’s framed as a detective thriller.

Del Farmer ain’t your ordinary hardboiled, private dick. Instead of collecting fingerprints, he collects the souls of the recently departed to help his investigation of the Association, a mob outfit right out of Richard Stark’s Point Blank.

Farmer keeps all these souls in his” brain hotel” and if a particular skill set is required, he’d let the right dead man for the job control his bod to get it done.

Quel perverse! Sartre meets Sam Spade.

See, some years back, journalist Del was murdered by the Association. So, he has some motivation to see this case through. He had been picked up by a soul collector who, when he decided to walk towards the light, handed the keys to the brain hotel over to him.

The idea may be a tad too unique for mainstream audiences. But, the budget doesn’t have to be too big. An Indie perhaps? A Dexter styled series? Who knows, maybe the French will pick it up.

They are a country of philosophy majors.

7. Vixen by Ken Bruen

“Ask any modern crime writer who they’re paying attention to in the world of crime fiction, and they’ll all point their fingers across the Atlantic at Ken Bruen.” – Roger Balfour, Script Shadow Review

I’m a big time Bruen fan. Hell, I love noir. But, this guy serves it up nice and lean for a change. And, I sure as hell don’t wanna see the knife he used to do it with.

Here’s a Whitman Sampler from Vixen:

A loud bang went off in Doyle’s ear and he instinctively pushed the phone away. When the noise had subsided he asked:

‘Was that it?’

He heard a low chuckle, then:

‘Whoops, the timing was a little off but we’ll be working on that. What you have to work on is getting three hundred grand together to make sure we don’t bomb again. I mean, that’s not a huge amount, is it? So you get started on that and we’ll try not to blow up anything else in the meantime. We’ll give you a bell tomorrow and see how you’re progressing. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, the movie playing at the Paradise was a Tom Cruise piece of shit so we kind of did the public a service. You be good now.’

Sold yet?

Then read the fooking book. This ain’t a fooking library.

Vixen is U.K. Noir with the sexiest, ruthless, female serial killer/ bombmaking/blackmailer that ever plagued England!

Trying to capture her is London’s gritty answer to Ed McBain’s 87th Precinct, the bent (in all the various definitions of the word) coppers led by the amicably amoral Inspector Brant.

Unfortunately, one of his bent coppers, Elizabeth Falls, gets into a bit of a far too unhealthy relationship with the witchy woman they’re pursuing.

Thus, we have two great, demented female roles up for grabs.

Thankfully, Hollywood has already sat up and noticed Bruen. His London Boulevard has started filming with The Departed scribe, William Monahan, directing Colin Farrell and Keira Knightley.

The script for Blitz, currently in pre-production, has been reviewed here on Script Shadow. Worth the search, Mate.

8. Positively 4th Street by David Hajdu

“We should start a whole new genre. Poetry set to music. Poetry you can dance to. Boogie poetry! “ – Richard Farina to Bob Dylan

Imagine Next Stop, Greenwich Village mixed with Bound For Glory.

Uh, not really, but writing ten book reports in a row is starting to get awfully hard! It’s showing right?!! Damned slave driver, Carson. I told him six books. Six fucking books. But, No…….!!!!

Okay, where was I?

Yup, I’m pitching another music bio. But, this time, it’s a four way street.

For you youngsters who have no clue about the title, 4th street chronicles the 60s folk music scene with Bob Dylan, Joan Baez and Richard and Mimi Farina going from playing tiny coffee houses to inspiring an entire generation of young lefties like me.

You’d think it would be Dylan, but the most fascinating and filmable character in this bio pic is Richard Farina, the bohemian poet who often got lost in own web of roguish tall tales. He married Joan’s sister, Mimi, the haunting beauty when she was just seventeen. He, like Dylan, had of course, courted both sisters.

With my mental moviola, I can shut my eyes and imagine the scene where he has to talk his jealous, teenaged bride out of shooting him with his own pistol.

Or the scene of Baez, barefoot in the rain, debuting at the Newport Folk Festival and becoming an overnight sensation.

Or the ones of Dylan playing his headgames on the fragile Joan would just make great cinema.

Four fucking great roles. There’s more then enough talent, egos and love triangles to work with. To get a small taste how charismatic and magnetic Farina was, please click here.

9. The Catcher Was A Spy by Nicholas Dawidoff

Think The Pride of The Yankees meets The Tailor of Panama.

Sports and Spies. Now, that’s a doubleheader.

Moe Berg was neither an exceptional ball player nor an exceptional operative, but this story would have made a nice project for the Coen Brothers. Hell, it’s pretty much Burn After Reading with the Yiddishisms of A Serious Man.

Berg was definitely the smartest guy ever on the ball field. He graduated from Princeton and Columbia Law School. He claimed to read ten newspapers a day and was fluent in a dozen languages. Guess he had the time, as he spent most of his major league career for the Dodgers and the Sox on the bench.

But, baseball brought Berg to Japan and after Pearl Harbor, his home movies of that trip landed him some intelligence gigs for the OSS. A nice, Jewish ballplayer working for Wild Bill Donovan, trying to capture Nazis seems pretty irresistible. No?

So, the catcher parachutes into Yugolsavia and would hop around Europe on assignment to kidnap any scientists he could find.

He apparently didn’t catch any.

And, when the Cold War heated up, he sold the same Schtick to the CIA, to bring over Russian scientists.

He apparently came up short there too. Both times, however, he stuck the taxpayers with some rather hefty expenses.

After baseball and the spy game, Berg spent the rest of his life, pretty much freeloading off friends and family. Trading these great stories for meals and a night on the couch.

Berg turned out to be a charming guy who talked a dammed good game, but was pretty much a flake and a fraud.

Or was he?

His big fish boastings (real, imagined or just a wee bit embellished) would be a hoot to watch. Unfortunately, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind might have killed any hope of this bio ever getting to the silver screen.

Cause, how many movies about entertainers with a secret spy life can they make?

10. A Confederacy Of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole

“When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him.” – Jonathan Swift

They’re probably gonna screw it up. They’re probably gonna screw it up. They’re probably gonna screw it up. They’re probably gonna screw it up.

But, what the Hell? Ya might as well try, try try.

No pressure, Suits. You’ll just piss off a loyal legion of fans and the whole city of New Orleans if you do screw it up.

Many have tried and failed. From Harold Ramis to direct John Belushi in the 80s. And Brit wit, Stephen Fry, taking a whack at the screenplay in the 90s. Both John Candy and Chris Farley have also been cast at various times, making the project seem positively cursed.

Last I heard, things were all set to shoot with a Soderbergh script, David Gordon Green directing and Will Ferrell to wear the famous green, flapped hunting cap.

He’s gonna have to pack on a few pounds to properly play the role. Cause, it’s a huge role in sooooo many aspects.

Dunces is not only a cult classic comedy but considered a true cannon of Southern Lit. It also comes with a rather tragic backstory. The manuscript was literally fished out of the garbage by Toole’s mom after the author had committed suicide. It took 11 years to get it published, championed by writer Walker Percy (One must read the moving forward he wrote for the book) and would then go on to posthumously win the Pulitzer Prize.

All without the help of Oprah.

Thus, sans Oprah, the movie can now simply be titled: Dunces – Not, Dunces: Based on The Novel, A Confederacy of Dunces By John Kennedy Toole.

Damned mouthful, Oprah.

Okay, I digressed. Like Catcher in the Rye, this is a lot of folk’s all time favorite read. Something you can return to year after year and still end up smiling and laughing out loud.

It’s set during the swinging sixties in New Orleans, a place that has known a lot about swinging since its foundation. All hell breaks loose when Ignatius Jacques Reilly goes with his mom to the department store to buy a string for his lute.

His hysterical run in with the store’s policeman starts this picaresque adventure as Reilly travels further down New Orleans’ underbelly in search of a job, meeting some of the most colorful characters this side of the Catalogue of Cool.

Percy describes Ignatius as a “slob extraordinary, a mad Oliver Hardy. a fat Don Quixote, a perverse Thomas Aquinas rolled into one.” He is the most stubborn, misanthropic, intestinally challenged, pop-culture loathing anti-hero literature has ever seen.

So, who the hell is good enough to be able to play that? Cast your votes here.

Zach Galifianakis? He is a southerner after all.

Guys, if you do manage to pull off this adaptation, we’re gonna sell a ton of green, flapped, hunting caps this Halloween.

Guys. Get those script lists ready! Wednesday is the official 2010 cast your votes for your favorite scripts so we can update the Reader Favorites list day. This week will have a couple of odd script reviews, one which I thought was really good, yet reminded me a little too much of something else on my Top 25 list, and another for a movie that’s being released this weekend. Don’t forget to get here early in case the links go down. Right now, here’s Roger with a Black List script review.

Genre: Crime, Thriller
Premise: Three redneck brothers get in over their heads when they agree to help a woman kidnap her son back from his seemingly evil father.
About: The actors-turned-writers met in 2004 when they were cast in a project together. In 2006 they made and starred in a short film called Mr. Extion, which screened at over 40 festivals and went on to win 14 awards. In 2008 they were invited to the Delray Beach Film Festival’s Script-to-Reel Challenge where they won the competition with The Baytown Disco. They are represented by Elevate Entertainment and the Agency for the Performing Arts.
Writers: Barry Battles & Griffin Hood
Details: October 24, 2008 draft

I was scrolling through the 2009 Black List, looking for something crime-flavored when I saw the logline to The Baytown Disco. There were three words that hooked me: redneck, kidnap, and evil. Yep, sometimes that’s all it takes to hook Roger Balfour.

Who wouldn’t want to see that?

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[xx] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

Wahoooo! Jessica Hall is back with another Weekly Rundown. In addition to her great round-up, I’m also hearing that John Hughes’ “The Grigsbys Go Broke” could end up getting made.

DreamWorks picked up film rights to Kathryn Stockett’s best-selling novel “The Help.” Tate Taylor will write and direct the project, which explores the complicated relationships between the matrons of the South in 1962 and the maids and housekeepers who take care of their kids and homes. (http://www.bit.ly/d4XoRh).

Producers Daniel Sladek and Chris Taaffe have acquired rights to the novel “Night of the Howling Dogs,” written by Graham Salisbury. Young adult novel is about the quest for survival that Boy Scout Troop 77 of Hilo, Hawaii experienced while camping in the wilderness during the 1972 earthquake in Halape and the subsequent tsunami that followed. (http://www.bit.ly/ay7hy9)

Matthew Greenberg (1408) will adapt another Stephen King project, boarding PET SEMETARY for Paramount. King’s 1983 novel was previously brought to the screen by Paramount in 1989. Previous drafts were written by Mike Werb, Michael Colleary and Dave Kajganich. (http://www.bit.ly/bS2Irr)

New Line is reviving POLICE ACADEMY, hoping for a new franchise. No writer or director has been attached. (http://www.bit.ly/brW3Ip)

2009 Black List writers Cole-Kelly & Pitman (DIVERSIFICATION OF NOAH MILLER) sold a comedy pitch to Fox for Chernin to produce. PREMATURE MATURATION revolves around a group of middle-school kids who find themselves transformed into adults. (http://www.bit.ly/d8oHLq)

TV veteran Alexa Junge (“United States of Tara”) is set to rewrite AU PAIRS. R.J. Cutler (SEPTEMBER ISSUE) previously boarded as director. The Warner Bros. project follows three teenage girls learning how the other half lives by talking summer jobs with a wealthy family in the Hamptons. Previous draft was written by Liz Garcia (1% MORE HUMID). (http://www.bit.ly/9213BO)

“Sopranos” creator David Chase finally announced details on the project he’s set to write and direct for Paramount. Project was announced nearly two years ago. Chase’s directorial debut will be a music-driven coming-of-age story set in the 1960s. (http://www.bit.ly/cZ0y0J)

John Hodge (TRANSPOTTING) will write Guy Ritchie’s (SHERLOCK HOLMES) project, KING ARTHUR, Warner Brothers’ re-imagining of the 6th century legend of King Arthur. Project is not to be confused with WB’s EXCALIBUR to be directed by Bryan Singer from Epstein & Moore’s 2009 spec about a suburban dad who pulls the legendary sword from the stone at a Medieval Times Renaissance Fair. (http://www.bit.ly/9bFu6N)

Kevin MacDonald (STATE OF PLAY) will direct MURDER MYSTERY from Jamie Vanderbilt’s (ZODIAC) script. Project was picked up by Tower Hill in turnaround from Disney. “Murder Mystery” revolves around an American couple honeymooning in Europe who are implicated when they witness a murder and wind up embroiled in international intrigue. (http://www.bit.ly/bgfvO4)

Last week we told you about Dustin Lance Black’s (MILK) HOOVER BIOPIC. Now, Clint Eastwood (INVICTUS) has signed on to direct. We mentioned that the project was set up at Universal due to Imagine Entertainment’s involvement, but Variety says the project, which is still without a studio home, is like to go to WB because of Malpaso’s deal. (http://www.bit.ly/asbuLs)

Warner Bros. is planning an action pic based on Leonardo Da Vinci, picking up a treatment from producer Adrian Askarieh titled “Leonardo da Vinci and the Soldiers of Forever.” No writer or director has been announced. (http://www.bit.ly/9wANED)

Cooper Layne’s (THE CORE) crime thriller spec RUTHLESS was picked up by Indie banner Double Nickel Prods. Story centers on an ex-con who shows up in a small Louisiana town and disrupts the lives of the inhabitants by exposing their secrets. (http://www.bit.ly/aX6La0)

Mark Bomback (UNSTOPPABLE) will rewrite PROTECTION for Gary Fleder (EXPRESS) to direct. Fox project centers on a college professor who investigates the disappearance of his wife and daughter and who must confront authorities at the Witness Protection Program to find them. Original spec was by Allan Loeb (WALL STREET 2). (http://www.bit.ly/aQdqug)

Phillip Noyce (SALT) will direct 2009 black list script WENCESLAS SQUARE. Script was penned by Markus & McFeely (NARNIA). Story chronicles the lives of two spies who fall in love while on separate missions in Prague during the 1980s. (http://www.bit.ly/cQhh2l)

Chris Gorak (RIGHT AT YOUR DOOR) will write and direct DARKEST HOUR for Summit and New Regency. Thriller is about a group of kids struggling to survive after an alien invasion. Previous drafts were written by Jon Spaihts (PASSENGERS) and Les Bohem (REAL STEAL). (http://www.bit.ly/b0YgdT)

CG film FOUNTAIN CITY, based on a pitch from director Andrew Adamson (SHREK) and writer Joby Harold (ARMY OF THE DEAD) was picked up by L.A.-based Lightstream Pictures. Project info is being kept under wraps, but it’s planned as a big budget live action/CGI hybrid fantasy adventure epic. (http://www.bit.ly/dkuRUy)

Woo! This is what blogs are made for. Immediate passionate live reporting on events as they happen! As I said before, the drama of these present-day Oscars is lost with the excessive media coverage of the 8 million awards shows that precede it. Each main category is down to a 1 or 2 person competition, which makes predicting them kinda boring. The drama, henceforth, is left in the smaller categories, which would be fun except that nobody knows anything about the smaller categories, turning them into a complete guessing game. Anyway, none of this takes away from the true fun of the Oscars, which is to make fun of actors and actresses you don’t like. Which I anticipate I’ll be doing plenty of. What the Oscars lacks in drama we’ll make up for in pure moronic observation. In general, I’ll be updating a few minutes after each category is announced, so refresh at your leisure.

Random observations: Best two lines of the interviews so far. Jeremy Renner on if there’s anything he’d rather have here besides his mom: “A shotgun.” Carey Mulligan on George P asking her what all the little forks and knives on her dress were about: “I have no idea.”

Random observations: Wow, what a stupid way to open the night. — What the fuck is going on??? Neal Patrick Harris is singing! (and he’s a really bad singer) — Man, I thought Steve Martin was going to wipe out.

Whoa, these jokes are really going over well with the 80 and over crowd.

Why does Clooney look so mad? He’s not laughing at anything. I thought he was Mr. Happy Go Lucky.

I’m definitely enjoying how terrified these actors look when their name is called.

Oh got it, Clooney thing is a joke. Much funnier when Gervais and Carrel do it though because when they do it THEY’RE ACTUALLY FUNNY!

Best Supporting Actor
Who I want to win: Christoph Waltz
Who Will Win: Christoph Waltz

Thoughts: Easiest category to call of the night. I don’t even know who else is running. I don’t care. He could be running against Daniel Day-Lewis and he’d still be a shoe-in. What I love about Waltz, is after he won it, he didn’t pretend to be about the art or any of that nonsense. He said, “I’ve been doing this forever and barely eeking by. It’s time to get paaaaaaaaid. And he signed onto Green Hornet, for I can only imagine to be many millions of dollars. Good for him.

Winner: Waltz
Reaction: That was a pretty heartfelt speech from Waltz. You could tell he was truly honored, and it was a nice tricky way of working in all the thank yous and making it seem like it was part of his speech (this year they’re not supposed to thank people in their speech – yeah, like that’s ever worked).

Best Animated Feature Film
Who I want to win: Up
Who Will Win: Up

Thoughts: Duh.

Winner: Up
Reaction: I love this guy. He LOOKS like a cartoon. You could not create a more perfect person to represent an animated film winner.

Best Original Song
Who I want to win: I don’t know.
Who Will Win: I don’t care.

Thoughts: This is an Academy of Motion PICTURES Awards. PICTURES. Not SONGS. Who freaking cares about this award? The only reason they even have this category is so they can throw some singing performances into the night. I’m going to go out on a limb here and go with Jai Ho, by A. R. Rahman from Slumdog Millionaire. One of my favorite moments from last year is when Jai Ho walked up and accepted his academy award like he’d gotten one every year of his life since he was 3.

Winner: I don’t care.
Reaction: Miley Cyrus needs to disappear off the face of the planet like right now!

Random observation: Am I the only one who liked that song from the diet coke commercial? Who sings that?

Best Original Screenplay
Who I want to win: Quentin Tarantino
Who Will Win: Quentin Tarantino

Thoughts: Who wouldn’t want Quentin Tarantino’s life? He writes and directs these totally original movies. But unlike other directors, he doesn’t burrow himself into his work right afterwards, playing the role of tortured artist. He fucking ENJOYS HIMSELF. He goes to Sweden, Amsterdam, Germany and PARTIES HIS ASS OFF. And don’t think those experiences don’t contribute to his writing. In fact, I think that’s why he’s able to continue being original, because he actually experiences life.

Winner: The Hurt Locker
Reaction: WHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!???? Are you kidding me???? The Oscars are rigged. No way. What a joke. This really has a huge effect on the rest of the night. If the voters voted this for screenplay, what else could they vote it for?? — But Downey Jr.’s joke about writers looking like mole people = funniest line of the night.

Random observation: I usually hate these recollection pieces, but if there’s one I’ll sit through, it’s John Hughes. So many damn classic lines/scenes/movies!

Is that a red dot I see on Jon Cryer’s forehead? —- Taylor Lautner and Kristin Stewart are like, “Who the hell is John Hughes?”

Best Animated Short Film
Who I want to win: Logorama
Who Will Win: Logorama

Thoughts: I mean come on. It’s freaking LOG-O-RAMA. Anything with the word “rama” in it should win. Although I’m a big French Toast fan so “French Roast” almost won my vote. The big question with Logorama is the rights issue. Will they be able to even play a clip from the film? I mean, this is the real drama of this year’s Oscars. How come no one is reporting on this?? I can’t wait any longer. I have to know what’s going to happen with Logorama! Ahhhhhh!!!!

Winner: Logorama!
Reaction: YAAAAAAYYYYY!!! LOGORAMA WON!!! The world is a better place.

Best Documentary Short Subject
Who I want to win: Please put me to death
Who Will Win: I DON’T CARE!

Thoughts: Seven people on the planet care about this category. Not even the nominees’ parents are watching.

Winner: One of the nominees.
Reaction: Oh my god! What the hell is going on??? Who is this woman!??? this is the best drama of the night! Purple Woman comes up on stage and steals the microphone from very deep middle-of-his-speech man!

Best Live Action Short Film
Who I want to win: The people of the world.
Who Will Win: Kavi

Thoughts: Having seen all five of these films ten times each…IN ANOTHER DIMENSION, I can tell you that I’m magnificently ill-equipment to offer my opinion here. But what I can tell you is this. The Live Action Short Film category likes 3rd World Countries. The more 3rd world the film’s subject matter is, the better chance you have. For that reason, I’m going with Kavi, a movie about an Indian boy and his parents being forced into slave labor. I mean come on. You can take this one to the bank.

Winner: A film that was not Kavi.
Reaction: Whaaaat??? Kavi lost. This totally destroys my theory on everything, including the universe. Where is the large crazy purple woman?? Why isn’t she here for this acceptance speech? Bring back Large Purple Woman!!!!

Best Makeup
Who I want to win: Kim Kardashian
Who Will Win: Cher?

Thoughts: You can tell how much the Academy cares about this category when a) they’ve cut it to 3 nominees so they don’t have to invite any more people than they have to, b) on their website instead of using a production still for Star Trek, they cut and pasted directly from a cheap video still, c) They don’t even *have* a picture for Il Divo, one of the movies in the category, and d) They nominated STAR TREK for best makeup!

Winner: Star Trek!
Reaction: I don’t care what all you Stiller haters say. He’s the only one who actually tries at these things and is actually funny. Easily the best moment of the night. Even better than the Joaquin Phoenix thing last year.

Best Adapted Screenplay
Who I want to win: Blomkamp & Tatchell (District 9)
Who Will Win: Jason Reitman & Sheldon Turner (Up In The Air)

Thoughts: blah blah blah. WGA screenwriting credit war. Blah blah blah. The only time the Academy awards sci-fi is when it has some social relevance. District 9 has some social relevance. So award it dammit! I don’t know if I’d call it a great screenplay, but this movie needs to get some recognition. Plus Up In The Air didn’t live up to it screenplay whereas District 9 elevated its script. And plus I don’t want Clooney to be rewarded for for his bobblehead acting move.

Winner: Precious
Reaction: WOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. This is a huuuuuuuuuuuuuge upset. HOly Shit. Reitman must be pissed. Why aren’t they showing a reaction of him? This is probably the best moment of the night. This guy didn’t think he would win. And you can tell he’s truly touched. I don’t think there’s anything that could feel better for a writer – being up on that stage after spending thousands of hours in a room all by yourself. — Wow, Steve Martin actually said something funny with the “I wrote him that speech” line.

Best Supporting Actress
Who I want to win: Anna Kendrick
Who Will Win: Mo’Nique

Thoughts: This is a given. I mean, Mo’Nique tore it up. But Precious was way too heavy-handed for me. I think we know how I feel about films that pour on the drama and never let you come up for air. Kendrick is a great actress, someone I thought really shined in the undervalued Rocket Science. This is a girl we’re going to be seeing for years to come. — Also, I noticed they switched this from its traditional opening slot, and my suspicion is that it’s because they knew Mo’Nique was going to be giving one of the best acceptance speeches and didn’t want to waste it right away. Although, Mo’Nique seems to make an acceptance speech whenever she’s interviewed anywhere, even if it’s not about the movie.

Winner: Mo’Nique
Reaction: I love when these nominees cry at their own performances when they show their clips. — I think Mo’Nique just said her performance was obviously the best performance with that “politics” quip. She’s right, but I mean, that was weird of her to say.

Best Art Direction
Who I want to win: Avatar
Who Will Win: Avatar

Thoughts: I couldn’t come up with something interesting or incisive to say about this category if you gave me three weeks. So I’ll just say Avatar and HURRY THE F UP TO THE NEXT CATEGORY.

Winner: Avatar
Reaction: Avatar gets its first win of the night. — Uh oh, I don’t think you want to tell James Cameron he’s a genius. His head is already filling up the first nine rows.

Best Costume Design
Who I want to win: I don’t. I wish they would eliminate this category.
Who Will Win: Dr. Panarsus

Thoughts: Dr. Panarssus needs to eat! How could they send Heath Ledger out with this piece of crap? Give it a little love. Even if the only costume I saw from this movie is the white tux Jude Law was wearing in the promo shot (at least I think it’s Jude Law).

Winner: The Young Victorias
Reaction: What the hell is this movie? I’ve never heard of it before. Are they sure they didn’t just make it up for the Oscars? “Uh, yeah the movie is real. Here are some pictures of the clothes on the set.” “But I’ve never heard of you before.” “Here’s another picture. Look at that dress.” Yes! I love when people come up and say they don’t give a shit about winning an Oscar. Sweet!

Best Sound Editing & Best Sound Mixing
Who I want to win: They need to send these categories back to 1987 so Superman can throw them into the bag of nuclear warheads he takes to the moon and BLOWS UP!
Who Will Win: See above.

Winners: The Hurt Locker in both categories
Reaction: I will say this though. These categories have the coolest films of the night in them. — Is this the villain from The Davinci Code? — Umm, I’m not sure what’s going on here. Sound Anything should have gone to Avatar, or maybe even, gulp Transformers 2.

Best Cinematography
Who I want to win: Inglorious Basterds
Who Will Win: Avatar

Thoughts: I just think Basterds was a beautifully shot film. But Avatar had more money shots, even if they were digital. Avatar for the win.

Winner: Avatar
Reaction: Wow, in the most visual category of the night, they didn’t show any clips. What the fuck??? — It’s funny how these lesser guys absolutely have to thank people, even if they’re not supposed to, as they want those future jobs.

Random Observation: I know I’m supposed to be respecting the dead right now. But holy shit does Demi Moore look hot. Shows you that surgery doesn’t always make you look like a freak.

Best Original Score
Who I want to win: Fantastic Mr. Fox
Who Will Win: Up?

Thoughts: I love offering my opinion on things I have absolutely no expertise on. Best Score? Give it to Fantastic Mr. Fox. Why? Because it’s Wes Anderson! And Wes Anderson loves music. Best Original Score should go to the person who LOVES music the most. That’s obvious. But I have a feeling Up will win, because music and animation go hand in hand and Up is more animated than Fantastic Mr. Fox, which is more stop-motionated. I told you there would be plenty of worthless observations tonight.

Random observation: This hip upbeat “So You Think You Can Dance” routine is not going well AT ALL. This is all very strange. Is Steve Martin about to come out and say, “Just kidding!”

Winner: Up
Reaction: Sam Worthington must have done terrible in the rehearsals because they’re not letting him say ANY-thing.

Best Visual Effects
Who I want to win: District 9
Who Will Win: Avatar

Thoughts: It’s too bad for District.

Winner: Avatar
Reaction: So what does this make it? A tie 3-3 now for Avatar and Hurt Locker? 2 for Precious? We’re having a pretty tight race tonight.

Best Documentary
Who I want to win: The Most Dangerous Man in America
Who Will Win: The Cove

Thoughts: First, The Cove has the best title. Second, this film covers the uplifting story of dolphin-slaughtering. So you know it’s going to win. I want The Most Dangerous Man in America to win because I think this documentary has something to do with Lost.

Winner: The Cove
Thoughts: Um, what is the guy who was in every 80s film doing up on the stage for this traumatic documentary?

Best Film Editing
Who I want to win: District 9
Who Will Win: District 9

Thoughts: The thing about film editing is, the wrong film always wins. They always get it wrong. Probably because the majority of the academy members have no idea what goes into editing a movie. I used to be an editor and I don’t know what goes into editing. But I know enough to know that the wrong film always wins. I think the members see a lot of camera movement and a gritty feel and believe that means good editing. Using that logic, I’m saying District 9 wins.

Winner: The Hurt Locker
Reaction: The Hurt Locker wins for editing? Why? Because it’s a war movie? Because there’s a lot of camera movement and it has a gritty feel? Dammit, should’ve voted for The Hurt Locker!

Best Foreign Language Film
Who I want to win: The Milk of Sorrow
Who Will Win: The White Ribbon

Thoughts: I admit I have not seen any of these movies, but if you want to get me into a theater, sorrowful milk is pretty high up on the list of things that’ll get me there. That and angst-ridden hot chocolate. Or jealous grapefruit juice. Anyway, everybody knows that The White Ribbon is going to win because I once heard of it, which is more than I can say about these other four.

Winner: I couldn’t tell you cause I have no idea what Pedro Alamovar just said.
Reaction: Yes, this is exactly what the Academy Awards wants, is the winner of Foreign Language Film to thank a bunch of people in another language.

Best Actor
Who I want to win: Jeremy Renner
Who Will Win: Jeff Bridges

Thoughts: I love it when the Academy decides…ehhh, I know this isn’t the right pick, but this person’s earned it because they’ve been around a long time. Like when Karl Malone got MVP over Michael Jordon. Hence, we’ll get Jeff Bridges for the Oscar for a film that 5 people have seen. But I really think this award deserves to go to Jeremy Renner. The guy came out of nowhere and was the main reason this movie has received all this acclaim. But the academy doesn’t like to recognize newcomers unless they’re like, 7.

Winner: Jeff Bridges
Reaction: Uhhh…what the hell is this 10 thousand actors talk about the nominees shit. Just get to it already. I guess overall I’m happy that Jeff Bridges won because he’s such a weird guy, and this speech is definitely one of the more entertaining of the night. Still loses out to Large Purple Lady though. Man, Jeff Bridges might be here all night. But the producers aren’t cutting him off. And Jeff Bridges’ wife is kinda hot. Puma.

Random observation: I’m starving. Can someone bring me some food?

Best Actress
Who I want to win: Meryl Streep
Who Will Win: Meryl Streep

Thoughts: Before I start my Streep worship, is there a Razzie category for worst hair and make-up? Whoever is responsible for Amy Adams’s look in Julie & Julia needs to be fired and never allowed to work in Hollywood again. Never have I seen someone so naturally pretty turned into something so horrendously ugly. Rant over. Now, Meryl Streep! Meryl Streep is one of the few people in any profession that lives up to the hype. There is no one more believable than her onscreen. Some producer said, “The only reason Sandra Bullock is in the race is because she usually does comedies and therefore we think she deserves an Oscar just because she’s doing a drama.” I tend to agree with that thinking. But I’ll raise you that observation and add that the academy wants the number one box office female star in the world at its event for some…RAAAATINGS.

Random observation: Why is Forest Whitaker dressed like Urkel?

Random observation: Am I the only one sick of Oprah promoting Precious. I get that she’s a producer (who came on after the movie was made) but come on already.

Random observation: What the hell did Sean Penn just say? That man should never be allowed near a microphone.

Winner: Sandra Bullock
Reaction: Wooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Sandra won. That is a huuuuuge upset. I can’t believe it. Who ever thought Sandra Bullock would win an Oscar? And off of one of the most boring movies I’ve seen all year.

Wow, and Sandra Bullock for the best speech of the night! I’m almost over the fact that she actually won.

Best Director
Who I want to win: James Cameron
Who Will Win: James Cameron

Thoughts: Here’s why I think Cameron deserves the Oscar. Bigelow (who may be the most beautiful woman in the world for her age) only beats Cameron in one directing category – and that’s in getting the performances from her actors. Granted that’s one if, if not the most important, category. But Cameron does better in every other aspect. And probably most importantly, he does it on a scale that is a hundred times more difficult than the directing job of Hurt Locker. Cameron has no weaknesses as a director. His only weaknesses are those he has as a person. The guy is so hard to root against. Nobody who doesn’t work with him likes him, and yet with that immeasurable handicap, here he is, in the mix, with, of all things, a summer popcorn movie. You gotta give it to Cameron.

Winner: Katheryn Bigelow
Reaction: Well, I guess this wasn’t that big of a surprise. But I didn’t like how Streisand basically announced beforehand who it was going to be. You don’t say that unless you got an inside tip. But I’m happy for Bigelow. She seems like a nice gal.

Best Film
Who I want to win: Avatar
Who Will Win: Avatar

Thoughts: I don’t usually like statistics, but this one caught my eye. If Avatar wins, it will be the highest grossing movie to ever win an Oscar. If Hurt Locker wins, it will be the lowest grossing movie to ever win an Oscar. This, to me, is a very telling stat. If Hurt Locker is as good as everyone’s saying it is, word of mouth should’ve gotten way more people into the theater. By no means am I saying big box-office equals a good movie. Obviously, it doesn’t. But the fact that more people aren’t recommending this to their friends tells me it doesn’t deserve the credentials its getting. But what’s great about this year’s best film race is that it’s really about big Hollywood versus little Hollywood. And people are going to be lining up on both sides, sticking with their alliances. This is going to be the closest Best Picture race in a long time. But I think Avatar wins out, because ten years from now, everyone will remember Avatar, while in ten years time, only a few of us will remember Hurt Locker.

Winner: The Hurt Locker
Reaction: Ugh, I mean, I guess it’s not a bad film. But Best Picture? I just don’t know what to say. I suppose it has its fans? And the making of the film and the way it caught on is a great underdog story. But I still don’t think anyone will know what the hell The Hurt Locker was about in a few years.

Anyway, I’m exhausted. I think I need some warm milk and then it’s off to bed!