Genre: Supernatural Western
Premise: In the Old West, a troubled girl hunts for the mysterious stranger who destroyed her family. Her quest leads to a cabal of shapeshifters and forces her to face the truth of her own dark heritage.
Why You Should Read: Okay, so a lot of work has gone into my goal of making Skinwalkers a clean and easy read. I set out to write a compelling action story featuring a young and spunky female protagonist with inner demons, who comes of age and finds her true identity during her quest for revenge. I also aimed to introduce a sinister and enigmatic villain with shades of grey, a force of nature in her own right that plays off the hero in unexpected ways. Have I succeeded? It’s hard for me to say for sure, so I welcome opinions and constructive feedback from anyone who has the time and inclination to take a look. Cheers.
Writer: Lyndon Tait
Details: 107 pages

Garance Marillier for River?

Just saw Captain Marvel last night. And I’ll say this. I can’t WAIT to talk about it on Monday. There’s a lot to unpack with that film. Brie Larson’s performance, the writing, cats. There’s one thing I do want to talk about ahead of time, though. The movie starts off in Los Angeles in 1996. So how is it that one of the major set pieces takes place on a train system that was built in 2016? Did the characters travel forward in time for that sequence when I wasn’t looking? I mean why don’t you just add goat yoga while you’re at it.

Speaking of goats, that feels like a good segue into today’s Amateur Showdown winner, Skinwalkers. The Skinwalker sub-genre is still looking for its defining film. So I’m all for a writer taking a shot at it. And, quite frankly, more writers should do this. Trying to come up with, say, a great time-travel comedy is impossible because it’s always going to be compared unfavorably to Back to the Future. Find the sub-genre that hasn’t blown up yet and write the movie that’s going to define it.

It’s the mid-1800s and 17 year old River Wild is still reeling over the murder of her mom and kidnapping of her father. An evil woman named Hart is responsible, and River will stop at nothing until she finds her and gets revenge.

But she can’t do it alone, so she enlists the help of her buddy and longtime boyfriend, Paul. She’s also got a gang of folks she rolls with who attack slaving caravans, freeing the slaves and stealing the gold.

After years of hunting her, Hart pops up and tells River she must kill her own boyfriend then come with her, where she can be reunited with her dad. River’s not cool with killing boyfriends so she tells Hart to eff off. The thing is, River does have nightmares of killing others. Nightmares where she has the bloodthirsty instincts…. of an animal.

Eventually, River and Paul track down the whereabouts of Hart’s clan and learn that they’re skinwalkers, people who turn into murderous animals – Hart is a raven. They want River to join the club, but she’s a little freaked out by the fact that her own father doesn’t seem to remember her. What kind of shenanigans are these shapeshifters up to!? Naturally, this leads to a final showdown – River versus the shapeshifters. And if she wins, she can finally put this torturous chapter behind her.

First off – clean, easy-to-read script. Very professional. I understand why it won.

HOWEVER.

I went back and read the comments and when I came across Barky’s, I might as well have made that the review, because I was literally thinking the exact same thing on every point he made.

For example, the opening. We come in after something terrible has happened and within 15 seconds, we’re out. That’s not a scene. That’s an image. And I’m surprised to see that since I spent an entire month on this site touting the importance of hooking the reader right away.

I suppose you could argue that the scene created a sense of mystery? That the reader is going to say, “Ooh, what happened here? I need to know more!” And I won’t totally dismiss that that could work. But again, you’re giving us an image. You’re not giving us a scene with a beginning, a middle, and an end. I see that and I have to stop myself from getting angry because I’ve seen this mistake thousands of times now. Literally. I’ve read thousands of screenplay that will never be made because of mistakes like this.

But I don’t want to beat a dead horse-human since I’ve talked about first scenes enough.

The much bigger issue is another point that Barky brought up. The script portends to bring up this mystery of “Who is this girl?” We’re given nightmare after nightmare where River’s howling at moons and seeing wolves near caves. And it’s structured in a way where we’re supposed to wonder what’s going on. But we know exactly what’s going on. She’s a wolf. She’s a skinwalker. We know that because you’ve made it obvious. So now you’ve placed your script in the single worst position it could possibly be in – which is that the reader is miles ahead of you, waiting for you to catch up with him. That’s the opposite of what should be happening. You should always be ahead of the reader UNLESS you’re deliberately allowing them to get in front of you for dramatic purposes (i.e. to make them think they know what’s going to happen then you pull the rug out from under them).

You know, as I was reading this, I kept thinking to myself, “This really isn’t bad.” The writing was crisp. The characters were active. Not a lot of dreaded “characters in rooms talking scenes.” But I wasn’t engaged. I had to push myself to stay focused. And whenever that happens, I ask, “What’s keeping this from being recommend-worthy?”

And I think the answer is that I have to feel a connection to the hero’s internal plight. I need to feel like something they’re working through internally is something I’m working through on my own. That’s not as limited as you’d think. There are numerous universal struggles that human beings share. With Free Solo, it was facing your fears. Going after something that scares you. That resonates with me deeply. Or with Eighth Grade, it was not giving up. No matter how many times she couldn’t break through, she kept trying.

Conversely, the worst thing you can do is write a character who doesn’t exhibit any struggles we can relate to. Or write a struggle that’s too vague, so we don’t understand it. That’s how I’d categorize River’s plight. I don’t know what she’s trying to work through. Is it something about being uncomfortable with who you are? I never knew so it’s not surprising I wasn’t able to connect with her.

I don’t want to discourage Lyndon because this isn’t a bad script. But these are things that need to be addressed if you want to take your writing to the next level. I’d say the biggest thing to work on is STAYING AHEAD OF THE READER. You have to constantly check in with your story and ask, “What does the reader think is going to happen next?” If the answer to that is obvious, you might need to change things around with your plot.

And keep at it. The best advice for becoming a good screenwriter is the most boring: Put the work in. Keep getting better so that you don’t make the mistakes you made in the previous script. As long as you keep improving, you will eventually reach a point where you’re at a professional level. It’s inevitable.

Script link: Skinwalkers

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: I’m feeling lazy today so I’m just going to copy and paste Barky’s comment which I agree on with every point. Thank you, Barky!

I jumped in with “Skinwalkers”, as I’m a sucker for westerns. Admittedly, I’m a little more excited by the genre than this logline in particular. I love a western, and I especially love a western with a “+1”, but the logline itself has some problems.

The mention of a “mysterious stranger” followed by a “cabal of shapeshifters” is essentially telling me that the mysterious stranger is a shapeshifter, so why not just come out and say it? Same with “her own dark heritage”. Well, that means she’s probably one of them, too. Lots of dancing around what the idea here is for no good reason. Being too cute with loglines works against you. It makes the reader second guess your writing off the bat because it isn’t as clever or mysterious as you think it is, and that makes me think the script will suffer from similar issues.

I’m also taking “Shapeshifter” to mean “werewolves”, or similar, which is fine to put in an old west context, but I have seen were-things before, so what is the GAME of the script that is going to get me excited about how the story unfolds beyond just telling me there’s going to be shapeshifting action?

As with many loglines that don’t quite make the grade, the problem is that this is all SET UP, not STORY. What is going to happen in act 2? Her quest leading to a cabal of shapeshifters is a first act, not a story. Coming face to face with her own dark heritage is a character arc, not a story. I still have no clear vision of what is actually going to HAPPEN in this movie.

All that being said, I dove in in good faith and hoping for the best, but am already troubled by the first pages.
First line: “Full moon beams through the window.” I get it, we’re dealing with were-things. You don’t have to beat us over the head with it. Then a shadow of a bear that morphs into a human. You’re showing us EXACTLY what is happening. There is no mystery just because you put it in a shadow.

The other issue is that this scene is completely INERT. I see this all the time. Scenes that, essentially, do nothing but give us information. We come in after the action, so we don’t get the excitement of seeing that. Then, we are shown in no uncertain terms this was done by a shapeshifting were-bear. Where’s the fun in that? Why not play with these pieces and build something more satisfying out of them?

We could see the family being attacked by a bear, and let us think for a little while that it is a REAL bear. That is terrifying in and of itself. Then, after the parents are dead, the bear stomps toward the girl. We fear she is doomed. But, something IMPOSSIBLE happens: The bear SHAPESHIFTS into a human and spares the girl!

Now we have a scene. We have a beginning, middle and end, rather than just an end. We have expectations that have been upended with a surprising outcome. I’m sure there is a better opening scene than this, too, but the point is scenes should have movement, turns, development, surprises. Especially OPENING scenes. They can’t be INERT.

The next scene is equally troubling. Another full moon (we get it!), some cawing ravens and then Hart screams into the sky. Again, INERT. Why have her scream inside of a contextless moment? No movement, no turns and no GAME. I have a hard time believing this scene is essential for the script to work.

I also must point out that her eyes can’t be “fresh with old pain”. The pain is either old or it is fresh. Pick one. Similarly, the ravens cannot “caw as one” AND raise a “mighty cacophony”. If they are as one, they are in unison. A cacophony requires overlapping sounds that are decidedly NOT “as one”. Am I supposed to be imagining all the ravens cawing in eerie unison? That WOULD be creepy and interesting, but it is very different from a cacophony. Think harder about the language you choose and the actual meaning you are trying to convey.

The next scene ALSO begins with a FULL MOON. You must try harder! Create a flow from scene to scene that incorporates some juxtaposition of contrasting images. Imagine what this would look like on screen, three scenes back to back that each start with a shot of the full moon! It’s going to turn into a joke. I laughed when I read it the third time in the script.
This scene, at least, has something happening in it. There is a character who has actions and dialogue, so that’s a good start. However, it appears the only point is to get to the line “why do I see you in my dreams” as she stares at a wood carved wolf. Umm, is there ANYONE reading this who doesn’t have a pretty clear guess as to why she sees it in her dreams? No, because there has been no mystery whatsoever in these opening pages.

The problem here, aside from just telling us what she is thinking, rather than showing us somehow (just drawing the wolf is enough to show it, honestly) is that the audience is SO far ahead of your character that we are going to get bored waiting for them to catch up to us unless it happens very fast. From the logline, it seems as though the writer is going to use this as a late breaking revelation, which is going to be a problem since I knew before I even started the script where that plot thread was going. Unless you’re going for dramatic irony, the reader should be on the same page as the protagonist, which seems like it is River at this point (despite opening with Hart, which seems like the wrong choice the deeper I go). If she doesn’t know what’s happening to her, we shouldn’t know, either.

The next scene with the family telegraphs even more obviously what’s going on with the wolf situation and now I feel like I’m watching a children’s movie. It’s all just too much hinting at and trying to build a mystery around a reveal that is SO obvious. River following her father and being attacked by the wolf, again, all seems perfunctory. What am I actually learning form these scenes that I didn’t already know?

I did like River going into town and trying to sell her wares. This shows me what kind of person she is, clever and resourceful (though I don’t get why the bartender so roughly throws her out of the bar. Seems a bit slapstick for the tone of this). If you can marry these scenes with the werewolf stuff you’ll be able to get away with these hints at what is going on with her much more easily. Putting all the hinting at the werewolf secret in the foreground of their own scenes draws too much attention to something that’s already very obvious. However, hiding it behind other drama and character situations allows it to be an accent to a scene, rather than the main course. This will pique our interest rather than beating us over the head with it.

I finally got to the killing of the parents, which happens pretty late, pg 17. You can get to that much earlier if you lose the first five or so unnecessary pages and sprinkle the werewolf hints during the other scenes in town. Again, at this point we know MORE than River. If we only knew what she knew, and you cut the unnecessary following her father into the woods, then the killing of the parents is a true mystery, and we can learn about it along with her.

We then get to a montage of River learning to fight and getting older. Again, I would say this is unnecessary. We can just cut to her being older and tougher, we don’t need to see all that. I think the time jumping is an issue, though, in general. I just spent a lot of time with 13 year old River, getting to like her, and now that investment feels wasted. If you’re going to do that, the scenes with her need to be cut back, more like the opening with Hart. A single, simple scene that tells us what we need to know. Now we are going to have to be RE-endeared to the older version of River, making your job twice as hard AND wasting pages. I would also make the age gap bigger, 13 to 17 is a bit too close for a dramatic transformation to take place. Lastly, I’m confused about how she hasn’t discovered her werewolf heritage yet. When she was 13 it seemed as though she was on the cusp, and her mother even said she was at the age where it is unavoidable. Yet, it appears that it has been avoided? Again, delaying the inevitable here is not helping you.

This scene where River joins the Wagoneers is where I had to stop reading. Things are just taking on too much of an episodic nature. At this point, River should have clear direction, not still be wandering aimlessly hoping to find a clue. I skimmed ahead to discover that Hart simply reveals herself to River around page 40, despite the reader being teased with the idea of River being on a dogged pursuit of Hart with everything that has happened so far. Why rob River of the chance to be smart, follow a trail, show us that all this training and work has resulted in her achieving something of value, like finding the person she is looking for? Instead she has accomplished nothing, and the goal she desired just handed itself over to her. Not great storytelling.

Bringing this back to my first point about the logline, the fact that the logline has no suggestion of the shape or direction of this story is telling in that the execution is also rather directionless. If you can’t get your logline to indicate clear direction and a sense of what Act 2 is going to look like, chances are good that your story still needs work in that department, which seems to be the case here.

There ain’t any movies coming out this weekend! I guess I’ll just have to watch Free Solo again. Actually, I just found out that the mountain in Free Solo is only four and a half hours away. Can somebody say… ROAD TRIP! Story time. Since free-soloing El Cap, Alex Honnold has been approached by several producers who want to do a free solo reality show. In the proposed bonkers idea, Alex would teach them how to climb free solo for several months and the contestants would then go free solo something. “You know that half the people in the show would die?” Alex told the producers. So they gave up on the idea.

Oh, and here’s another one. The director of Free Solo, Elizabeth Chai Vasarhelyi, had been getting slack from her family because her movies were such downers. “Can you do a comedy for your next one?” they asked. When Vasarhelyi began Free Solo, Alex was single. He would go on dating apps before heading to a new climbing destination and set up dates. Vasarhelyi planned on mining these dates for comedy. However, along the way, Alex met Sanni, and Vasarhelyi decided to change course, focusing on the emotional toll of a dangerous profession on one’s significant other. She credits that relationship as turning the movie from a straight-forward doc into the emotional powerhouse that would win it an Oscar. The screenwriting lesson to learn here is: Don’t be afraid to follow the story, even if it takes you in a different direction than you initially planned. Can you imagine Free Solo as a comedy about a climber navigating the millennial dating scene? I don’t think that film wins an Oscar.

If you’re new to Amateur Showdown, read as many of this weekend’s scripts as you can and VOTE for your favorite in the comments section. Winner gets a review next Friday. — If you’d like to submit your own script to compete on Amateur Offerings, send a PDF of your script to carsonreeves3@gmail.com with the title, genre, logline, and why you think your script should get a shot.

Good luck to everyone this week!

Title: D1
Genre: 1-hour drama
Logline: A sports driven dramedy about a female athletic-director who handles the unique conflicts and challenges of running the athletic department of a top Division One university.
Why should you read: As former student-athletes at a top D1 university, we really followed the “write what you know” directive with D1. Due to this, we’re extremely passionate about the project and already have tons of potential episodes mapped out. D1 was a Black List featured script and helped us to become two of ISA’s “Screenwriters to Watch” in 2018. We’ve seen a lot of interest in the script, but it hasn’t yet found a home. We would love for the supportive ScriptShadow community to help us get the show into the best shape possible for future reads.

Title: Rosemary
Genre: Horror/Dark Comedy
Logline: A prolific female serial killer struggles to suppress her desire to kill during a weekend-long engagement party hosted by her new fiance’s wealthy, obnoxious family.
Why you should read: I’m a 28 year old writer currently living in Nashville, TN. My previous script was a one-hour pilot that I ended up optioning to a producer in LA. After lots of back and forth and time put in working on a series bible, the project basically fell into limbo. I then decided to refocus on my first true love of writing features and decided on the concept above. — Dark comedies are tricky to pull off but I’ve always had an affinity for them so I gave it my best shot. I respect the time and effort you put into all the reading and writing you do for your site, and I appreciate your ability to help writers get recognition.

Title: SHELTER HEIGHTS
Genre: Action-Thriller
Logline: An Army officer on a short leave battles a fugitive drug lord and a massive hurricane to get his estranged family off a remote island.
Why you should read: SHELTER HEIGHTS has had more than one close call. Some years ago a production company offered to produce it on a low seven figure budget, but my management company at the time rejected the deal. Less than a year later the script had a fairly well known director attached, and it was being pitched to A- level actors. However, getting all the moving parts aligned was elusive, and it stalled again. I’ve received calls from producers over the past few months, but nothing has materialized to date. I’m still looking to get this script off the ground, as I think it could be a fun, contained, tight little action film. SHELTER HEIGHTS has elements of TAKEN while paying homage to classics like KEY LARGO. My goal in writing it was to tell a simple story and infuse it with plenty of heart and lots of thrills. It’s become my “never say die” script, and I’d love to breathe new life into it.

Title: Twin Lights
Genre: Sci-fi
Logline: After his eyes are opened to his bigotry, a loyal fixer for the world’s most powerful cloning company is set on a collision course with his mother, the ruthless CEO.
Why you should read: An earlier version of this script placed in the semi-finals of the latest PAGE awards. After years of writing wherever I could spare the time, I recently decided to leave my job and have spent the last few months living off savings and honing my skills as a writer. By that, I mean cultivating an extraordinary amount of anxiety that I’ve made a terrible mistake. — This script is the furthest I’ve ever placed in a contest and I could really use any feedback from the community to help take the next step beyond that, if at all possible. I would just love to hear the opinions and advice of my fellow writers. Hopefully it doesn’t boil down to ‘don’t quit your day job’ or I’ll have to put these skills to good use crafting an email begging for my 9-5 back.

Title: SKINWALKERS
Genre: Supernatural Western
Logline: In the Old West, a troubled girl hunts for the mysterious stranger who destroyed her family. Her quest leads to a cabal of shapeshifters and forces her to face the truth of her own dark heritage.
Why you should read: Okay, so a lot of work has gone into my goal of making Skinwalkers a clean and easy read. I set out to write a compelling action story featuring a young and spunky female protagonist with inner demons, who comes of age and finds her true identity during her quest for revenge. I also aimed to introduce a sinister and enigmatic villain with shades of grey, a force of nature in her own right that plays off the hero in unexpected ways. Have I succeeded? It’s hard for me to say for sure, so I welcome opinions and constructive feedback from anyone who has the time and inclination to take a look. Cheers.

Genre: Dramedy
Logline: A blackballed entertainment lawyer puts her negotiation skills to the test when her beloved oldest daughter announces that she’s putting off college to become a feminist porn star.
Writer’s Pitch: This script examines just how messy and complicated modern feminism can be when ideals get translated to real life. The story is personal and timely and incredibly important to me. I think it will elicit strong reactions — both positive and negative — and it would be invaluable as I continue to develop this story to hear a variety of takes from readers male and female, young and old — not just Carson. (I’m saving my cash for a private consultation on my next script :) ) Bonus: At 89 pages with a lot of white space and humor, it’s a very fast read.
Writer: Angela Bourassa
Details: 89 pages

Rashida Jones for Jenny?

Last week’s Amateur Showdown comments section got a little messy, as it does whenever a writer attempts something different. Bourassa wrote her script in first-person, a huge no-no when it comes to screenwriting. Why is it a no-no? Because screenplays are supposed to act as instructional manuals for another group of people to go off and make the movie you’ve written. You’re writing to them. Under that logic, it doesn’t make sense to write in first person.

But as screenwriting has evolved into a more personal relationship between writer and reader, there’s been some flexibility in that rule. Screenplays have arguably become pseudo-noevellas, and, in the process, lost a lot of their strictness. While a first person screenplay is the most extreme version of this, it’s not the first time I’ve encountered it. However, if you’re going to use it, two things must be in order. One, you should have a good reason for doing it. And two, since the device will lead to more scrutinization, your script will have to be better than most.

Jenny, a proud 40-something black entertainment lawyer, is being handed a couple of pills in the doctor’s office when we meet her. We don’t know what those pills are for yet, only that Jenny looks stressed out about what the doctor’s just told her. From there, Jenny heads to middle school to pick up her 14 year old mixed-race daughter, Priya, who she spots making out with a 16 year old white boy.

Immediately, we sense that Jenny is fighting a daily battle – a battle to be progressive and supportive of her family, despite the permissive narrative in her head to be traditional and protective. So Jenny tries to smile about her daughter’s new boyfriend who, no doubt, will be pushing to have sex soon. Even if she’d do anything in this moment to make him disappear forever.

It turns out Priya is the least of her worries, though. When she gets home, her 19 year old super-cool beautiful perfect daughter, Indiga, informs her and Jenny’s husband, Amit, that she has something to tell them. She’s a) queer (they’re thrilled), b) wants to take a year off of college (sounds reasonable) and c) wants to make porn.

I’m sorry say what?

Indiga assures her mother that this isn’t “porn” porn, but rather porn for women. It will be feminine centric, body positive, instructional, and fill a market need. What Jenny isn’t yet aware of, is that she’s just been given the BAR exam for feminism. She should support her daughter if she wants to get into the sex industry. It’s what an empowering feminist would do. But she’s still this girl’s mother. And it’s porn!

Jenny huddles with Amit and the two discuss a plan to talk their daughter out of this. This problem is compounded by the fact that whatever Jenny was at the doctor for is eating at her, her professional career is floundering, her other daughter, Priya, wants to get an IUD, her husband’s artistic pursuits don’t bring in enough money, and her other child, Zack, is having trouble attracting girls. It will be up to Jenny to sort all this out in a way that makes both herself and Indiga happy, a task that will put her feminist ideals to the test.

Let’s begin with this first-person thing since I know it will be a hotly debated issue in the comments. While the first-person angle grabs our attention right away and makes the script different, I don’t see it as necessary for this story. Angela mentions the Pruss Passengers script, which also had a first-person perspective, but if I remember correctly, the first person there was relevant to the story. Aliens were “riding” human beings, and that allowed us, the first person narrator, to occasionally become an alien, which was crucial to the experience.

With The Dirty Work, I could see this being written in 3rd person and nothing changing. Maybe we don’t know Jenny as well, but there are tell-tale actions you can use to make up for us not being in her head. With that said, it does help the script stand out. So I’ll leave it up to Angela on whether she wants to keep it or not.

As for the script itself, it feels a bit thin to me. I liked the hook a lot. You set up the most progressive feminist mother ever and then give her the ultimate test – her daughter wants to become a porn actress – and see if she’ll stay true to her feminist ideals. But the script doesn’t really know where to go after the hook. There’s no narrative drive.

I know that yesterday’s film was as different from today’s as could be. But the narrative drive was always clear – climb the mountain. Here, the goal is to, I guess, stop her daughter from being in porn. But it’s dealt with in too casual a manner. One of the issues I had with the script was that I knew what the end result would be. I knew Jenny would support her daughter. So the goal is more symbolic than actual. She’s not REALLY trying to stop her. And we feel that in their scenes together. Jenny will make a point, but then immediately feel wrong about that point. This created an overall lack of suspense and the rest of the plot suffered as a result.

A good script problem has to have an uncertain answer in order to keep the reader engaged. Since this is Oscars weekend, we’ll use a famous Oscar winning script as an example. In Good Will Hunting, the question dictating the story is whether Will Hunting will remain a “nobody” working blue-collar jobs the rest of his life, or go off and use his talent to do something special with his life. The movie does an excellent job making you wonder which way he’ll go. The best stories ride that line the whole way through.

Part of the reason The Dirty Work is predictable is because of the type of porn Indiga is doing. She’s doing the nicest most pleasant most neutral form of porn possible. If your daughter did porn, this is literally the form of porn you’d choose for them. That was a major factor in me being able to predict what Jenny would do. This got me wondering, if you changed this to a more severe form of porn (regular male-female porn) would we be less certain what Jenny would do. I think we would. Then again, that alters the tone somewhat, so you’d have to weigh the advantages against the disadvantages.

As for the rest of the script, I felt the male characters were underwritten. Indiga and Priya have legitimate problems whereas Zack’s biggest issue is relegated to will he ask a girl out or not. And I definitely think we could do more with Amit. From my understanding, Indians have a very complex relationship with porn. The traditional culture out there looks down on it. That seems like the perfect opportunity to create more conflict between both Amit and Indiga and Amit and Jenny.

Finally, the script had a weak climax, no pun intended. The big final scene has Jenny negotiating Indiga’s porn contract. The idea behind this isn’t bad. Jenny’s entertainment law business has struggled. This is her “opportunity” to show that she’s still got it. But there are too many things hurting the scene, the biggest of which is that if she loses, she wins. If she loses this negotiation, it means her daughter doesn’t do porn. So why wouldn’t she lose on purpose? To be honest, it feels like this ending was rushed and that there’s a better ending out there.

Moving forward, I would dial everything up in this script. There’s not enough conflict. We never truly feel there are any problems between Jenny and Indiga. Even when they get mad at each other, it’s a polite mad. The more conflict you create in this relationship, the more doubt we’ll have that things are going to end well. And that’s what you want every story to feel like right up til the end – that things aren’t going to end well.

But I think this idea has potential. It has something to say in this day and age, and the hook is a strong one. A few more drafts and this feels like something that could make the Black List. It’s just not there yet.

Script link: The Dirty Work

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Scene Agitator Deluxe – A scene agitator is an outside force that repeatedly bumps against your characters while they’re trying to do something else in a scene. Say your characters are having a fight. Well what if, during the fight, the fire alarm keeps going off, forcing them to pause the fight while one of the characters deals with it. They fix it, go back to the fight, then a few moments later, it goes off again. That’s a scene agitator. Today taught me that there’s a deluxe version of this. This is when you add a scene agitator during a pivotal scene, allowing that scene to level up even higher. During the pivotal moment when Indiga tells her parents that she wants to do porn, Priya has just come home and the car pool parent who drove her is outside waiting for gas money he’s owed. So Priya keeps asking her mom for the money (the agitation) while Indiga is dropping this bomb on her. Clever move! You can read more about scene agitators in my book.

One of The strangest things I’ve encountered Lately is writers Capitalizing random words that Shouldn’t be Capitalized. This occurs, on average, once every eight submissions. Come on, guys. This is a writing website. If you don’t know how Basic capitalization works, why are you Sending in entire Screenplays? Learn the Basics. Such as How to write a sentence that doesn’t have any errors in it. Then we can talk about writing 110 page stories. When I go through these submissions, it’s an exercise in head-shaking. I’m rooting for everyone here but if you can’t even survive your pitch without making half a dozen grammar mistakes, there’s not much I can do for you. If you don’t know what should or shouldn’t be capitalized, ask for help in the comments section. There are plenty of people who will be happy to help you.

Despite this gripe, I’m excited about this week’s entries. We’ve got a couple of kick-ass writers whose work I’ve read before. We’ve got high concepts, on-trend material, and some solid thriller ideas. Who will win it all? That’s up to you to decide. Amateur Offerings is a mini screenplay tournament where you read as much of each script as you can, then vote for your favorite in the comments section. Whoever receives the most votes gets a review next Friday. If you’d like to submit your own script to compete in a future Amateur Offerings, send a PDF of your script to carsonreeves3@gmail.com with the title, genre, logline, and why you think your script should get a shot.

Good luck to all!

Title: 1888
Genre: Action/Fantasy
Logline: In 1888, an ex-cop seeking to unravel the mystery of his daughter’s death is recruited into an organization dedicated to protecting London from fantastical evils. As our hero hunts for answers, Jack the Ripper commences his reign of terror with an apocalyptic plan that transcends murder. Men in Black meets the Victorian macabre as the fate of the world hangs in the balance.
Why should you read: Big, fun and very R-rated, I’m the first to admit my chances of getting this thing made are bleak. Still, it’s a total passion project and I genuinely believe one that readers (especially those with a proclivity for action and the supernatural) will dig. Plus, London in the 1800s! That’s a pretty fun time, y’all (well, for readers of scripts, not the poor people who actually lived then. Seriously, my research indicates it fucking sucked).

Title: Cold Feet Wedding Insurance Project
Genre: Romantic comedy
Logline: After he insures an extravagant wedding against “cold feet” for a million dollars and the bride-to-be falls for him, a conniving insurance agent must get her to the altar, or the claim will bankrupt his ailing boss/father’s modest insurance company.
Why You Should Read: I came across the idea for this script when I was planning my wedding and researching all things wedding. I couldn’t believe it when I “ran” into a site that offered Change of Heart insurance. I thought that was a great kernel of an idea for a rom-com, and thus was “Cold Feet Wedding Insurance Project” born. If you like stories packed with irony, stakes and enough twists to make a Twizzler jealous, you should enjoy Cold Feet Wedding Insurance Project. — In advance, a big thank you to those of you who read any of the script, and a massive one if you vote for it!

Title: REDWOOD
Genre: Psychological Horror
Logline: After her child is killed, a woman becomes convinced that her husband and her neighbours were responsible. Is she being driven to paranoid madness by her grief or is the horror real?
Why You Should Read: I’ve always enjoyed a story that takes you inside a character’s mind and whips you along on a journey with them, where you don’t know what’s real and what isn’t and are kept guessing until the end. I wanted to see if I could write one of those. I also wanted to see if I could take a classic story – one of Carson’s favourite movies – and put a spin on it to make it mine. Maybe I have, maybe I haven’t. Only one way you’ll find out.

Title: The Dirty Work
Genre: Dramedy
Logline: A blackballed entertainment lawyer puts her negotiation skills to the test when her beloved oldest daughter announces that she’s putting off college to become a feminist porn star.
Why You Should Read: This script examines just how messy and complicated modern feminism can be when ideals get translated to real life. The story is personal and timely and incredibly important to me. I think it will elicit strong reactions — both positive and negative — and it would be invaluable as I continue to develop this story to hear a variety of takes from readers male and female, young and old — not just Carson. (I’m saving my cash for a private consultation on my next script :) ) Bonus: At 89 pages with a lot of white space and humor, it’s a very fast read.

Title: DEATH ZONE
Genre: Psychological Horror-Thriller
Logline: When a novice mountain-climber embarks upon a treacherous, flurry-filled trek up one of the world’s tallest peaks, he soon realizes that the only thing more dangerous than the mountain he’s climbing is the deranged psychopath he’s climbing it with.
Why You Should Read: ‘Death Zone’ is a term used by mountain-climbers to describe high altitudes where there is not enough oxygen for humans to breathe (typically above 8,000 meters or 26,247 feet). Visitors to the death zone become weak, have an inability to think straight, and struggle making decisions – especially under stress. Most of the 200+ climbers who have died on Mount Everest have died in the death zone. My script, DEATH ZONE, is heavily inspired by movies like ‘The Shining’, where the real villain isn’t the supernatural spectres or scary things you see; but rather, the setting itself, and what it’s doing to those inhabiting it (and the subsequent risk posed to others sharing that space). Victor Miller (writer of Friday the 13th) called it a “helluva screenplay”, and a “wonderful hell on a mountain”. Hope you enjoy!

Genre: Horror
Logline: Trapped by a blizzard in a remote truck stop as it burns to the ground, a recovering addict and her young daughter must fight for survival against an alien horror
Why You Should Read: I hope everyone has room for holiday leftovers as this is my version of a Christmas story. There are some holiday family film tropes, but with minor deviations. When some travelers get stranded at a mountain truck stop during a brutal blizzard, they don’t discover the real meaning of Christmas or the importance of family. There’s no time for any of that treacle when you’re cowering in pants-filling terror. Unfortunately, the nocturnal visitor isn’t Santa Claus. It’s a grotesque alien creature that interrupts the festivities in a grisly way. The young child isn’t slumbering with visions of dancing sugarplums in her head, the reality is that she’s doing something very disturbing in the storage room. There’s no Yuletide log burning, instead the whole damn place catches fire. A goodhearted mall Santa is present, but he dies a horrible death, poor bastard. Where eggnog is the disgusting holiday beverage that is typically consumed, in this story the monster liquifies the internal organs of its paralyzed prey and slurps the bloody puree like some ghastly smoothie. (which is nearly the same drink, in my opinion) I appreciate anyone who takes a peek at the script and am grateful for any comments/notes. Thanks.
Writer: Jeff Debing
Details: 109 pages

Rachel McAdams for Allison?

Monster in a box.

It’s the oldest movie setup in the world.

I’d go so far as to say if you write a monster in a box screenplay, you increase your chances of selling that screenplay by a thousand percent. The genre will always be one of the easiest to market.

But there are a couple of catches to writing one of these scripts. First, your angle must be somewhat original. There has to be SOME element of “I haven’t seen this before.” And second, your execution needs to be on point. This setup is so ubiquitous that if you’re executing it by the numbers, it’s going to feel like every other monster-in-a-box movie.

Does It Drinks You pass this test? I’ll let you know in a minute.

Allison Evans is just now recovering from a pain medication addiction that was the result of a nasty car crash where her husband was killed. She’s heading up to the snowy mountains where her father-in-law, Dick, runs a truck stop diner/motel. Dick has been taking care of Allison’s daughter, Cordelia, while Allison went through rehab. Allison’s finally going to get her daughter back.

While this is going on, Zachary Yates, a young soldier, is escorting his superior, Will Venton, with a truck full of top secret canisters. The further both parties get into the mountains, the snowier it gets. Soon after Allison’s car gets caught in a snowdrift, Venton’s truck comes up behind her, sees the obstacle at the last second, swerves, and the truck goes plummeting down a hill.

Allison runs down, gets the injured Yates out, and the two carry a comatose Venton back up to her car, which they’re able to get started again and drive up to Dick’s Truck Stop. Once there they call 911 to come get Venton, but it doesn’t look like anyone’s going to be able to drive here until morning. Meanwhile, a reluctant Dick makes it clear he sees Allison as an addict and doesn’t want her taking care of his granddaughter.

While this is going on, some sort of creepy spider (called a “Spiderlike”) crawls out of Venton’s mouth. The Spiderlike creature operates by spitting venom into your body, turning your innards into liquid, and then drinking them. Yummy. Unbeknownst to anyone, the Spiderlike begins creeping around and killing the truck stop folks one by one, growing bigger with every kill.

Unfortunately for Yates, everyone thinks he’s the one killing people, forcing him to play a game of hide and seek around the truck stop. It isn’t until well into the story that Dick and the truckers realize that it’s a really creepy spider killing everyone. But by then, it’s too late. The Spiderlike is lining up his kills like a good bowler lines up pins. Since it’s too cold and dangerous to flee, it will be up to Allison and her terrified daughter to kill this nasty creature.

First 10 Pages Test???

It Drinks You passed!

Okay, I wouldn’t say I needed to keep reading (that’s my ultimate hope for the First 10 Pages Challenge – for someone to write something so captivating that the reader NEEDS to keep reading). But I definitely wanted to.

The script starts with the aftermath of the spider attack. We show up and see this truck stop burned to the ground with only one survivor. I’m intrigued. I want to keep reading. Allison’s introduction also intrigues me: “Despite her wrung-out appearance, her haunted eyes often show a glimpse of determined hope.” What happened to this woman? Then we cut to these military folks preparing to leave their facility with secret canisters. Hmm, what does the military have to do with this situation? Want to keep reading. Very quickly after this we get the car crash. Something is happening immediately. I want to keep reading. By the time we get to the truck stop, we’re 10 pages into the story and firmly invested. Nice job!

In addition to passing the First 10 Pages Challenge, Debing does a great job setting up his main characters – Allison, Dick, and Cordelia. I like that Allison is coming to pick her daughter up from a man who doesn’t trust her. I like that she’s responisble for Dick’s son’s death (in her car crash that brought on her addiction). There’s a lot of meat there, so I know we have more to play with in this story than monsters running down hallways with characters screaming.

Unfortunately, that’s where my praise ends. The second I saw two legs creep out of Venton’s mouth, I thought, “Alien.” And I never stopped thinking that throughout the rest of the screenplay. You’ve got a creature that looks like a spider (which is how the Alien creature starts out) and gets inside of people to kill them. Yeah, the rules are a little different. But I’d argue they’re different in a worse way. The Alien creature has the dramatic climax of bursting out of people when it’s finished with them. The Spiderlike simply craws out.

In addition to that, the central relationship revolves around a mother and a daughter, which, of course, is the central relationship in Aliens, the sequel to Alien. So now I’m just thinking about Alien more.

I also had some problems with the execution. First of all, there’s a manhunt to kill Yates when everyone believes he’s a murderer. But while Dick and the truckers go looking for him, the rest of the characters are sitting around chilling out most of the time. If you think there’s a murderer out there, why is half the group so relaxed?

Even worse is when Allison voluntarily leaves her daughter with someone else. You’ve set this very elaborate backstory up so that this woman is finally reuniting with her daughter. And then she just lets her hang out with someone else, with a crazed murdering soldier out there, no less? It didn’t make sense.

When you have these monster in a box group situations, you have to be careful about splitting people up. I understand that there will be groups within the group. But if you’re going to separate everyone, it’s best to have a scene where someone lays out a plan. One of those, “We’re going to be looking for him here. You guys all need to stay here” talks. You can’t have it so people aren’t communicating when something this dangerous is going on. You need that person who lays down the law: THIS IS WHAT WE’RE GOING TO DO. Ripley is a perfect example of that in Aliens.

Debing is a good writer. You can tell this is written by someone who has been at this for awhile. It’s very professional. He understands how to set up a story and how to keep it moving. He also understands the little things, like how a brief action (Allison trying not to take her prescription pill bottle but ultimately surrendering to it) can tell us a lot about a character. But ultimately this story is too familiar. It’s too similar to Alien.

With that said, I see familiar stuff get made all the time. So I’m not saying this doesn’t have a chance of getting picked up. But I think Jeff needs to rethink his monster so that it doesn’t feel like an Alien clone, and a lesser Alien clone at that. This was the same issue that the dreadful “Life” ran into. They tried to do Alien but with a monster 1/100th as cool as Alien.

Anyway, you’ve got the chops Jeff. Send in something more original for another Amateur Offerings and I’m sure it will do well.

Script link: It Drinks You

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Remember that step father and father-in-law situations aren’t the easiest for readers to pick up on. So you have to be clear with them. I thought for a good 40 pages that Dick was Allison’s father. I didn’t know he was her dead husband’s father, which made their relationship so much more interesting (with her being responsible for his son’s death). It would’ve been nice to be clear on that right away.

What I learned 2: Genius move to give Allison burn marks all over her body (from the previous crash with her husband). Actors and actresses freaking LOVE THAT. It’s actor crack. Stuff like that honestly improves your chances of getting an actress attached.