Duh-duh-duhhhhhhhhhhh!

It’s time, once again, for the dreaded “Why Your Script Didn’t Get Picked For Amateur Showdown.” So here’s the dealio. I WANT TO HELP YOU. I want to put you in the head of the person who’s receiving your query. Most writers never learn why their query was rejected. It’s one of the most frustrating parts of being a screenwriter. It’s like getting dumped but never told why.

One thing you have to remember is that it takes effort to read something. That’s why very few people do it. And most of them only do it if they’ve been told by ten different people and all of the internet that it’s great. That’s why your query is being judged so harshly. People are so lazy, they don’t even want to go through the hassle of clicking the PDF document, downloading it, and then opening it to read the first page.

You have to both excite them with your idea and not say anything that raises any red flags. For example, I might receive a solid logline, then, one sentence later, the writer boasts that it’s his first screenplay. My eyes immediately roll because I now know the script will be bad. To be clear, this post is all about love. It’s about helping you see your pitch through a reader’s eyes. I encourage everyone in the comments to keep the critiques helpful, not hurtful. Let’s get the ball rolling!

Hey Carson – What would happen if you combined the psychological depravity of THE GOOD SON with the science-fiction horror of THE QUIET PLACE?

You’d have GLOBAL POSITIONING, my 71-page, tightly written, fast-paced new sci-fi horror script that I’m submitting for your consideration for Amateur Friday (attached here).

Here are the details:

Title:  Global Positioning

Genre:  Sci-Fi Horror

Premise:  After their iPhone’s GPS is hacked by tech-savvy aliens and they’re re-routed to a remote area to be devoured, a family that’s stranded in their car must survive not only the flesh-eating creatures outside – but their mentally unstable son inside.

Why You Should Read:  In a lot of horror/thriller movies, it’s the squeaky clean good guy versus the pure evil bad guy.  To me it’s more interesting if the so-called good guy is flawed in some way, even borderline bad, which makes for more interesting characters and a richer story.  That’s what I’ve tried to accomplish with this script – combine the psychological depravity of THE GOOD SON with the science-fiction horror of THE QUIET PLACE.  I’d appreciate any and all feedback on it.  Thank you very much!

Sci-fi Horror is a good genre to write in. One of the most difficult challenges in making movies is the marketing aspect. So when you write in a genre that’s highly marketable, you’ve got an instant leg up on the competition. Why didn’t I choose this, then? For starters, I got worried when I saw 71 pages. I know micro-scripts are becoming kind of a thing. But 71 pages is too short for a feature. The main thing that concerned me, however, was that the logline contained shades of comedy even though the script isn’t comedic. An iPhone’s GPS being hacked by “tech-savvy aliens” makes me think comedy immediately. Also, the use of the word “devoured” has comedic roots when you’re talking about aliens coming after you. It has me thinking of movies like Critters or Tremors. Not The Good Son or A Quiet Place. Word choice in a logline is EXTREMELY important. So you want to make sure that the key words you’re using are conveying the proper tone. Finally, it kind of felt like two different movies with the kid aspect. I would say that getting attacked by aliens is enough (we just saw it in the spec sale “Out There” about a family who gets attacked on the highway). To throw a crazy spooky kid into the mix feels like one idea too many. These are the reasons I passed on Global Positioning.

Hi Carson, 

This is again XXXXXXX from Germany. I’d like to present you my 2nd screenplay, the Horror-Thriller “Full Moon Above Central Park”. This is a classical werewolf-stroy in a modern setting. It would be great if you’ve got the time to read it and give my some needed advices and help with imrpoving my writing. 

Logline: When an investigative journalist discovers that a werewolf is responsible for a series of brutal killings in Central Park, she soon has to learn that the real monsters in New York aren’t those who come out at moonlight.

Why you should read: In the last decade, the genre of werewolf-movies almost disappeared, thanks to the s*** “Twilight”-teen-stuff. I can’t remember any good or scary movie in recent years that was as good as classics like “Wolfman” or “American Werewolf”. With my screenplay I want to tell a thrilling, scary and entertaining story with all the well-known elements of the above mentioned movies.
Additionally, I tried to pack a political message about the current greed and egoism of some politicians in my story, so that my script becomes, if you like, a monster-movie at serveral levels ;). 

I respect you und your work at scriptshadow. It would be a real honor if you could read and review my screenplay. 

Greetings from Germany,

I have a lot of love for my readers from different parts of the world. Their journey as a screenwriter is often harder than those of us who live in the US. So I root for you. But you guys have to bring it! As unfair as it sounds, you will be judged more harshly. The people who move to LA tend to be the most serious. So, on average, those scripts are better. But it doesn’t mean you can’t succeed from Germany or Russia or even Iraq. However, YOU HAVE TO BRING YOUR A GAME! The very first sentence in this query is grammatically incorrect. It should be, “This is XXXXX from Germany, again.” What that tells me is that the script is going to have ESL (English Second Language) issues. Also, I’m going to make a blanket statement here because this is routinely a problem regardless of experience. Don’t tell anyone how many scripts you’ve written. It’s not a number that helps you. If it’s too low, people think you’re not ready yet. If it’s too high, people are wondering what’s wrong with your writing that you haven’t succeeded yet. So let’s keep that number to yourself.

The logline itself isn’t bad. But it feels too familiar. We basically have a werewolf killing people in Central Park. What I would tell this writer is to set his werewolf movie somewhere interesting in Germany. Half the screenplays written are set in New York and yet you’re intimately familiar with this entire country that most Americans have never been to. Use that to your advantage, like the way Neill Blomkamp used South America to create a unique alien movie with District 9.

P.S. For you non-English speakers, find someone from the U.S. or U.K. (or the Aussies!) to proofread your e-mail queries. And if you need someone to do a full script ESL proofread (would cost $$), e-mail me (carsonreeves1@gmail.com) and I’ll hook you up with someone. This stuff matters, guys. You don’t want to shoot yourself in the foot before they’ve even gotten to your script.

HORROR, DRAMA.

LOG LINE – During WW1, Russian and German soldiers agree to a cease fire due to attacks by a super pack of Wolves.  Joining forces they fight in this tour de force.

Hey Carson, I’m hoping you read my script!  I’m a Father of three, who got this writing bug a year and a half a go.  I work a labor intensive and  monotonous job but that’s alright it gives me a lot of time to think and dream up these characters and worlds.  I get support from my wife and kids, even though they think I’m a little crazy, but I’m just crazy enough to believe my scripts will be made into MOVIES one day.

These queries kill me because I know how many of you out there are working these jobs you don’t like, having to dedicate all your time and money to your family, giving you very little time/resources to pursue your screenwriting dream. But here’s the thing you have to realize – Hollywood doesn’t care how bad your struggle is. They care how good your script is. And there’s a certain level of professionalism that is expected of you in order for someone to open your script. This query sub-communicates that you’re still in the beginning stages of learning the craft. The logline isn’t bad. I like the visual of World War 1 and wolves. But the end of the logline is a classic, “I don’t know how to finish a logline” ending where you sort of taper off into a general implication of what’s going to happen. The end of the logline needs to be STRONG. It needs to have punch and tell us what’s happening. “When a group of scientists come for an early look at the world’s first dinosaur theme park, a giant storm derails their tour and unleashes a T-Rex and a pack of velociraptors on them.” That’s Jurassic Park. Notice how the end gives us these intense images of needing to escape these deadly monsters. Again, I wouldn’t tell anyone how long you’ve been doing this. It’s too often used to make assumptions. But yeah, the main thing here is that the writer didn’t seem ready for prime time.

Hey Carson!

This is my first time submitting, but after following your site for about two years now, I feel confident enough in it to throw it out there!

Title: A Left Swipe
Genre: Coming-of-age Drama
Premise: A morally righteous high schooler aims to lose his virginity before heading off to college by using the notorious hookup app, Tinder.
Why You Should Read: Everyone remembers the tumultuous period that follows immediately graduating high school. You’re told that you just lived through the best years of your life, your parents start to stress about whether or not you plan to live with them for the next twenty years, and, for the first time, you have to actually make a decision for yourself as to what you want your future to be. All this stress and more befalls my protagonist who, like many high school graduates, is deeply concerned over how he’s still a virgin. In this sometimes funny, sometimes heart-wrenching story, I look into the awkward expectations placed onto high school graduates, the tragedy of expectations, and the depersonalizing nature of modern relationships, all in a clean 89 pages! Hope you enjoy.

Love that this writer finally had the courage to put his work out there for others to read. That’s not easy to do! So props for that. Here’s the problem with this idea. It’s too simplistic and general. There’s nothing unique about it. And I get what the writer is saying. He wants to tell a universal story. Which is smart. Your characters need to be experiencing universal problems so that the audience can relate to him. But that doesn’t mean you get to package it in such a simplistic manner. I mean, this is a movie about someone trying to get laid. That’s not just a regular plot I’ve seen thousands of times. It’s a SUBPLOT I’ve seen thousands of times. That’s a good indication that your concept is weak – if it’s something that could be a subplot in another film. Also, Tinder. People: technology ideas date quickly. I’d stay away from them unless the technology is BRAND NEW and the concept is worth the risk of its short shelf life. I do give the writer credit for adding “morally righteous” to the character description as it adds some irony to his situation. But it’s still not enough to get past the unoriginal premise. But keep at it! You just have to continue to write and get better. Oh, and here’s a tip. Get your super-honest friends to look at your concepts ahead of time. If they’re not excited about them, maybe you want to keep generating ideas before you commit the next six months of your life to something.

Hi Carson,

Grateful if you would consider my vampire ice hockey script “Five For Biting” for a spot on AOW. Details below:

Title: Five For Biting
Genre: Adventure/ Mystery
Logline: When a visiting hockey team turn the population of their town into bloodthirsty vampires, it is left to the only people who can match them on the ice to stop them – the local school figure skating team

WYSR: Ever wondered what you’d get when you mixed The Lost Boys with The Mighty Ducks and added a splash of The Goonies?? Well now you can find out! This script is inspired by the fascinating historical account of the remote Colorado mountain town that was descended upon by “vampire-like personages” during the silver rush of the late 1800’s. “Five For Biting” both incorporates and builds upon that famous folklore in a supposition of how a similar event may occur in the present day, told from the perspective of a group of small town kids each dealing with the growing pains of adolescence in addition to the imminent destruction of their home by bloodsucking vampires. Hopefully those things appeal to enough people to get some reads and feedback. I’d love to know what you guys think.

I’ve come across this submission a few times and each time I read it, I have the same thought, which is, “There’s too much going on here.” For starters, it’s not the easiest logline to understand. “When a visiting hockey team turn the population of their town into bloodthirsty vampires…”. If they’re the “visiting” team, and they’re turning the population of “their” town into vampires, wouldn’t that mean that the vampires were miles away, back in their home town? I think you’re saying they’re turning *this* town into vampires, but that’s far from clear in the logline. Then it seems that the vampires – your big hook – aren’t relevant to the story, as you point out that the local figure skating team is going to take on the hockey team. So where do the vampires come in? One of two things is going on here. Either the idea is too complicated. Or you’re not conveying the idea clearly enough. This is why I encourage writers to get feedback on their logline. You’re so close to it that any version of the story you write down will make sense to you. But to somebody unfamiliar with your script, the logline might seem like a jumble of dissociated ideas. I will say that the idea is original. I like the use of real lore as inspiration. But the logline’s got to be clear!

And that concludes another episode of “Why Your Script Didn’t Get Picked For Amateur Showdown” Use your comments to help these writers out. And if you want to submit to Amateur Offerings, follow the instructions at the top of this post!

Yo, do you have a logline that isn’t working? Are those queries going out unanswered? Try out my logline service. It’s 25 bucks for a 1-10 rating, 150 word analysis, and a logline rewrite. I also have a deluxe service for 40 dollars that allows for unlimited e-mails back and forth where we tweak the logline until you’re satisfied. I consult on everything screenwriting related (first page, first ten pages, first act, outlines, and of course, full scripts). So if you’re interested in getting some quality feedback, e-mail me at carsonreeves1@gmail.com with the subject line: “CONSULTATION” and I’ll get back to you right away!

Might we have another highly reviewed amateur script on Scriptshadow? Read today’s review to find out!

Genre: Thriller
Premise: Trapped in a secluded cabin, a hunter and his daughter fend off attacks from a relentless grizzly bear hell-bent on vengeance for the death of its cub at their hands.
Why You Should Read: I vividly remember the sensation of being stalked by a black bear during one summer visit to the Sierras… Well, stalked is a bit strong – it passed me within grabbing distance. Still, the feeling of power in its gait, the potential explosion of ferocity if it so pleased was unsettling and stuck with me ever since.
Writer: Walon Costello
Details: 84 pages (just to be clear, that this is an UPDATED draft from last week. Walon addressed some of your notes)

I’ve got one question.

Did Walon write this script in one day?

Because Wednesday I reviewed a nature thriller and all I talked about was how a lack of character development hurt the script. I read a nature thriller today and… IT’S ALL CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. So either Walon read my complaints and wrote this in a day, or he has the ability to freeze time so that he can take as long as he wants to write a script.

I bet you’re wondering what all that character development did. Would it prove that I was right? Or would it turn out that all character development does is slow down a script to an unbearable crawl? Read on to find out!

Our teaser opens with a deer being chased through the woods by something unseen. Then, just as it makes it to a clearing, it’s SMASHED INTO by a car, which goes careening off the road. The driver, a man, is instantly killed. The woman in the passenger seat is going to wish her death was that quick. Because seconds later, a little bear cub comes in and starts nibbling on her dead boyfriend. Then, seconds after that, a much bigger mama bear arrives. And this woman turns into her lunch.

Cut to a week later and Hank (40) along with his daughter, Zoe (20), are driving through those same woods. They make it to an old gas station, where the car from the teaser is being kept until someone can come along and trash it. It’s here where we learn that that car and the people who were in it are the reason Hank and Zoe are here. The woman is Hank’s drug addict ex-wife, and Zoe’s mother. Since she wasn’t found in the wreckage, they’ve come up here to look for her.

The two head up to the family’s cabin which the mom was staying at. This once regal camping fortress is now a barely standing rotted-out piece of garbage. Hank and Zoe use it as a home base to go out and look for mom. They arm themselves just in case, and after a long search, Zoe notices something coming at her out of the corner of her eye, turns and shoots. She’s horrified to see that she’s killed a baby cub.

They get back to the cabin late and decide to stay for the night. But almost immediately, they hear something outside. It’s Mama bear (“Mama”). She’s come to get revenge. At first, Hank doesn’t give her any credit. She’s a freaking bear. Not John Wick. And even if she was the bear version of John Wick, she can’t break into a house. Well, that may be true. But remember, this isn’t exactly Fort Knox. And Mama starts prying for ways in.

Having left the only guns in the car, the two are forced to move around the cabin to stay clear of Mama, who has the added advantage of being a black bear in total darkness. We’re never quite sure where she’s going to pop up next. Finally, she’s able to get into the house. Zoe moves to the bathroom while the injured Hank finds another spot to hide. I don’t want to spoil anything but let me put it this way. Not everyone is getting out of this house alive.

First thoughts?

Overwritten first page!

I kept having to go back and read it over and over again. Walon was trying to be too cute with the wording. It may sound weird but he was TOO DESCRIPTIVE. And in trying to paint a picture, he painted a Picasso. It was angular and tilted and hard to make out what you were looking at.

So things didn’t start well.

However, once we get to Hank and Zoe, the script gets a lot better. Like I said, Wednesday we had no character development. Here, we have a lot. There’s a ton going on with these two. For starters, their wife/mother left them, became a drug addict/prostitute, and now drives around and robs people to feed her habit, along with whatever co-conspirator she can find.

This makes their search party complicated. Lesser writers would’ve had the mom be the perfect mother – her life robbed by the randomness of some angry animal. By making her a drug addict who’d abandoned her family, their connection with her is much messier. The reason why this tends to work better is because it mirrors real life. Real life is rarely drawn with straight lines. The lines are squiggly. And the color between them is gray. Just that choice alone made this feel authentic.

Also, Zoe is newly pregnant. And one of the ongoing themes here is the idea of, should Hank and his wife have had Zoe? They were way too young. They weren’t ready to be adults. And it turns out that maybe it was a mistake. Mom eventually prioritized getting high over parenting. We also learn that it was Hank who initially wanted the abortion. And now Zoe’s in the exact same spot they were, weighing whether she’s ready to be a mom, and using her own less-than-wonderful time on earth to decide if she wants her own kid to go through that hell.

In other words, THERE’S A LOT GOING ON HERE. And Walon is really clever in how he thematically connects their family troubles to the threat. Here these people are, weighing whether it’s right for their children to even be born, while Mother Bear will stop at nothing to avenge the death of her own child.

Another thing I liked that Walon did was he OPENED UP a portion of the CONTAINED THRILLER. I think that when we write contained thrillers, we get this idea that they have to be contained from start to finish, if only to convey to producers that it will be cheap to make. However, I like when contained thriller writers start their scripts OPENED UP so as to create the illusion of a bigger story. Between the teaser and seeing these two drive in and the gas station scene – it made the movie feel bigger than it was. Had Walon started this script with the two of them showing up at the cabin, I’m not sure I would’ve felt the same way about the script.

There were a couple of things I didn’t love. The script does get a little repetitive at times inside the cabin. There are only so many ways to stay away from a window. But the biggest issue was that dad and daughter don’t have anything unresolved with one another. Despite all of the intense stuff with mom, Hank and Zoe seem to be good. And I kept wondering if that could’ve been improved somehow. In fact, a couple of times I thought, “I wonder if this would be better if Zoe was trapped in here with her drug-addict mom who’d abandoned her?” You can imagine how much more tense those conversations would be.

Despite that, I thought this was a good spec. The best Amateur Friday script this year behind Cop Cam. I could easily see this pitched as “Jaws with a bear.” The problem with all the Jaws clones over the years is that they’re too similar to Jaws. This feels just enough like its own thing that you don’t find yourself constantly comparing it to that movie, which is the last thing you want to happen as a writer. You want your script to be your own, not some lesser version of a better movie.

I battled back and forth on this as far as whether to give it a single or double ‘worth the read,’ and I’m going to settle on a single because dad and daughter didn’t have anything to resolve with one another. And it wasn’t just that. It was that Walon was trying to make it seem like they were butting heads despite the fact that there wasn’t any reason to. For example, she kept calling him “Hank” instead of “Dad.” And all I thought was, “Wait, she likes her dad. Why avoid that title when addressing him?” If future drafts would address that, I could easily see bumping up the score.

But this was solid writing. Good job, Walon.

Script link (new draft): Grisly

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Regarding the first page. Remember, all writers overwrite. But the good ones don’t make it LOOK like they overwrote.

Genre: Dark Comedy
Premise: A backwoods dry county is turned upside down by a bored housewife’s investigation into their bootlegging operation – and a crashed meteor.
Why You Should Read: I absolutely love the Coen Brothers, so I wrote this as if they might consider directing it, as long as a shot as that is. It’s got dumb people making bad decisions that leads to a lot of bloody death. It’s got a great starring role for an older actress. Most of all, I think it’s a funny script with a weird and interesting cast of characters and I really want to make it the best it can be. AOW has proven invaluable historically to writers open to feedback and I am hopeful with some help this can be the script that gets my foot in the proverbial door. (Carson note: Currently in the Nicholl QF)
Writer: Benjamin Hickey
Details: 92 pages

Toni Collette for Isabella?

Benjamin has the unenviable task of following what may end up being the most successful amateur script story ever on Scriptshadow. And he’s not making it easy for himself. Dark comedies are arguably the hardest genre to get right. It’s difficult to make people laugh without comedy restrictions. Specifying that the humor can only be dark and you shrink the dart board down even more.

The Coen Brothers are the only modern screenwriters to routinely pull this genre off. And even they’ve had a tough time with it lately. Inside Llewyn Davis and Hail, Caesar were not exactly crowd-pleasers. But you have to admire a writer who’s willing to take on a big challenge. So as I slide my mouse over to click open this script, I wish Benjamin good luck!

We’re told Graham County is the last “dry” county in the state. That means no booze for anyone. Which also means there’s nothing to do around here! That is until dimwitted siblings Joe and Bobby Bird come upon a crashed meteorite which “smells like raspberries.” The glowing blue center implies this thing very well might make them rich, so they throw it in the back of their truck and bring it back home.

Meanwhile, 40-something Isabella Bailey is tired of sitting at home all day waiting for her traveling husband to come back from work trips. The only satisfaction she gets is from making sure everyone in town abides by the law. And she’s convinced that there’s illegal booze being passed around, which she’s determined to expose.

When word gets out that something alien has crashed in the outskirts of town, amateur astronomer and out-of-towner, Clay, zips into Graham County to learn more. Clay’s thrilled when he finds out that NASA themselves are here inspecting the matter. That must mean it’s a big deal.

We eventually learn that Joe and Bobby are secretly brewing beer, and that the meteor “juice” has accidentally dripped into a batch. This creates what may be the best beer ever. It’s too bad that Isabella ain’t having any of it and is determined to take down anyone who breaks this most precious of laws. Will Joe and Bobby survive Isabella’s wrath? Or will their brew, “Black Hole Blue,” make them famous?

This was a fun script.

But it was also a script that felt 3-4 drafts short of where it needs to be.

I’ll have Ben give me the lowdown in the comments but something felt off about the time and place here. It was as if the script was originally written to take place during the Prohibition and then was later re-drafted to take place in the modern day. I say that because nearly everything in this script felt like it belonged in 1925, except for one person mentioning “websites.”

I know there are a few places left in the U.S. where liquor is outlawed. I think this occurs in Utah maybe? But it’s so rare that it overshadowed the story. I was always thinking, “Why is this set in the present again?”

Another thing I had an issue with was the meteor. It wasn’t integrated into the plot enough. I know there are two paths you can take when you come up with an idea like this. You can make the “magical thing” an integral part of the plot, or you can make it a neutral McGuffin that acts as a motivator for all your characters to do crazy things. My belief is that if it’s in the story, it needs to be integrated into the plot. And the meteor was barely integrated into this.

The problem with that is there was so much to play with! What if the strange blue liquid inside this meteor were to get mixed up with their illegal beer brew? Everyone started drinking it and weird things began happening on a day-to-day basis. Instead of that, we get one late scene where everyone drinks the beer together and then… passes out? It was such a weak payoff for all that setup.

That brings me to the main screenwriting lesson I want to teach today. A common thing that happens in screenwriting is that we start with the “coming in too early” version of the story. Then, in each subsequent draft, we move that storyline up until it’s eventually where it should’ve been all along. I’ll give you a classic example of this. You might write a script where your main two characters, a married couple, are having problems in their relationship. Then, a couple of drafts later, you realize that it might be interesting if those problems result in a divorce. So you decide to have them get divorced at the midpoint. Then, a couple of drafts later, you realize that, wait a minute, we’d have a way more exciting opening if we start on these two getting divorced. That way we’re dropped right away into the thick of things.

I feel that the meteorite storyline in Black Hole Blue isn’t coming in early enough. It takes forever for an interesting plot development to happen with the thing. Why not get it going sooner?? We see Bobby stash the meteorite in their house in that opening, and then the very next time we see the brothers, Joe notices it’s been leaking into the brew. They have to make a delivery TONIGHT! What are they going to do? They decide to sell the tainted brew. And before we even hit the second act, people start acting bizarre.

Now if Ben isn’t interested in that story, I’m not going to tell him it’s the only way Black Hole Blue works. But I will say that the plot here didn’t move fast enough, and if it’s not going to be the meteorite that speeds things up, it needs to be something else.

I’m trying to think if I were a producer, would I encourage Ben to keep working on this. Dark Comedy has such a tiny bullseye and is such a gamble at the box office, that the script probably won’t go anywhere. With that said, it’s kind of an ideal writing sample script. It shows that Ben isn’t your typical writer writing your typical cliche Hollywood trash. So if he can make the plot more interesting, this could be a great resume script. It’s not there enough to get a worth the read. But if I worked at a production company, I would definitely ask to see any future scripts from Ben.

Script Link: Black Hole Blue

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: There are two kinds of McGuffins as far as I’m concerned, active and inactive. The active McGuffin plays a large role in the story. It becomes involved in the plot in a more intricate way (think R2-D2). The inactive McGuffin is the McGuffin that’s just there as an excuse to get everybody doing things (think one of those cliche USB drives in a spy movie). The meteor here wasn’t completely inactive. But it wasn’t active enough. And I think with a couple more drafts, it could be. — The more active you make your McGuffin, the less it feels like a McGuffin.

First of all, congratulations are in order for Jason Gruich. Jason won the last Amateur Showdown and got the super-rare [x] impressive review from myself. I have a good relationship with Scott Stoops over at Good Fear. The two of us have extremely similar taste. So whenever I read something good, he’s one of the first people I call. I told him about Cop Cam, he read it, and he loved it. Since then, Jason has signed with Good Fear and they’re going to go wide with the script soon. They’re doing something really smart, which I hadn’t thought of. They’re marketing Jason as the next big “cop writer” in town. So even if nobody buys the script (as many of have pointed out, there are several other cop cam movies in development), Jason should get some assignment work in the cop/crime genre. I don’t know all the details. I’ll let Jason fill you in. But it just goes to show what can happen if you write a really sharp script.

Now let’s see if we can do it a second week in a row!

If you haven’t played Amateur Showdown before, it’s a cut throat single weekend screenplay tournament where the scripts have been vetted from a pile of hundreds to be featured here, for your entertainment. It’s up to you to read as much of each script as you can, then vote for your favorite in the comments section. Whoever receives the most votes by Sunday 11:59pm Pacific Time gets a review next Friday. If you’d like to submit your own script to compete in a future Amateur Showdown, send a PDF of your script to carsonreeves3@gmail.com with the title, genre, logline, and why you think your script should get a shot.

Title: The Carolers
Genre: Horror
Logline: After a savvy thirteen-year-old singer and her teenage cousin survive a brutal home invasion, they must use all their wits to fight their way out of the confines of a sadistic family of masked Christmas carolers if they hope to survive the night.
Why You Should Read: I’ll make no claims that this script is high art. It’s a horror film for horror fans, of which I’m one of the biggest. I teamed up with a buddy to write a movie we’d want to see, and had a blast doing it. After we’d honed the script, we worked with a pro graphic artist in the film biz to create a top-notch pitch, then partnered with some filmmaking friends in Tampa to shoot a series of four teaser trailers to pair with the above in hopes of getting some industry traction. After a slew of emails to various horror heavyweights a horror producer/talent manager jumped aboard and is currently pitching the project to many of the larger horror producers around town, including Blumhouse. As happy as we are with the script, it absolutely could be better. It hasn’t found a home yet, and any help we could get from this community to tighten up our story could only help us in our quest to get this movie made. As a final argument… here’s the link to the teasers. A script can be fun. A script with a paired movie… even better, right?

Title: Britt Johnson
Genre: Western
Logline: After Comanche raiders kill his son and abduct his wife and daughter, former slave Britt Johnson joins an infamous Texas Ranger to bring them back.
Why You Should Read: Britt Johnson’s story is truly incredible. A slave taught to read by Harriet Tubman herself, sent west to pay a blood debt, he found his family destroyed when the Comanche paid Elm Creek, Texas a visit. 1864 West Texas was a land of chaos, with the vast majority of men and material sent east to support the Confederate war effort, the Comanche and other raiding tribes could cross the frontier at will. This left a power vacuum where the responsibility of frontier defense fell to a few hundred Texas Rangers – they were literally the last line of defense. This script captures the unlikely partnership of two men, slave Britt Johnson and Texas Ranger captain Quarrel Hayes in their quest to reunite their families.

Title: Agent Thumb
Genre: Action Comedy
Logline: A raunchy fairy tale about Tom Thumb, the world’s tiniest screw-up who is forced to go undercover for the DEA to bring down Hollywood’s biggest drug dealer.
Why You Should Read: Agent Thumb is co-written by Alison Parker and Rodriguez Fruitbat, who some may remember as the writers of “Log” and “Mermaniac”, respectively. They met on SS and, after realizing they shared the same fucked up sense of humor and Canadian roots, decided to put their questionable talents together to offend as many people as possible. Conceived as a Seth Rogen-style sex comedy, Agent Thumb is inspired by the Grimm fairy tale “Thumbling”, and is written along the lines of “Sausage Party” meets “Central Intelligence”. Each script download includes an unredeemable coupon for a thimble-sized beer at Hamburger Mary’s in West Hollywood!

Title: Black Hole Blue
Genre: Dark Comedy
Logline: A backwoods dry county is turned upside down by a bored housewife’s investigation into their bootlegging operation – and a crashed meteor.
Why You Should Read: I absolutely love the Coen Brothers, so I wrote this as if they might consider directing it, as long as a shot as that is. It’s got dumb people making bad decisions that leads to a lot of bloody death. It’s got a great starring role for an older actress. Most of all, I think it’s a funny script with a weird and interesting cast of characters and I really want to make it the best it can be. AOW has proven invaluable historically to writers open to feedback and I am hopeful with some help this can be the script that gets my foot in the proverbial door. (Carson note: Currently in the Nicholl QF)

Title: Repo
Genre: Comedy-Thriller
Logline: A young thief finds her calling in the dangerous world of vehicle repossessions, drawing the ire of a vengeful billionaire after boosting one of his prized vintage rides.
Why You Should Read: I have a friend who works in vehicle repossessions, and he has told me some of the craziest stories about what people are willing to do to keep their cars, and more importantly, what some repo agents are willing to do to get them back. It’s a goldmine of intrigue, and I can’t believe that the industry hasn’t been covered in cinema yet (besides a few mediocre older films), so I decided to take a crack at it. I was struggling for a while with the story until I decided to swap the protagonist’s gender to female, which opened up a whole new dimension to the tension and themes. There is also a humorous undertone to offset some of the heavy elements and to avoid melodrama, and I think it turned out pretty well. I’m hoping to tune up this script and would love whatever feedback the AO community can offer! I’ve spent several past Amateur Fridays ripping apart the scripts of other candidates, so I think it’s only fair to submit myself to the same treatment. Have at me, fellas!

Genre: Found footage/Crime-thriller
Premise: Told through the lens of a police-worn body camera, a retiring cop with a baby on the way faces the most harrowing shift of his career after a traffic stop devolves into a violent mess affecting both sides of the law.
Why You Should Read: I’ve always thought a found-footage film involving a cop’s body camera would be an interesting concept to explore. Police-worn body camera footage persists as some of the most controversial, yet fascinating forms of real-time-media in existence today. Think about it, when’s the last time you didn’t click on a “contains graphic content” police video that was shared to social media? The footage always tells a story, but rarely captures the facts in their entirety. As a police lieutenant, I watch countless hours of body cam footage from the officers under my watch and am rarely ever bored. On the contrary, they typically inspire movie ideas for my scripts. For “Cop Cam”, I wanted to infuse elements from some of the most disturbing videos I’ve encountered into a grounded, found-footage crime-thriller told from the first-person perspective of one cop’s final day on duty. While most found footage films deal in supernatural horror, I aimed to bend the genre here into purely thriller territory, although a lot of feedback has mentioned it certainly flirts with horror. The script just received positive coverage from WeScreenplay: “This high-octane, action-packed thrill ride is a rip-roaring page-turner told with unflinching authenticity. The amount of story, twists, and turns in this tight script is a strong showing of narrative economy. A cops and robbers caper that unfolds like a beautiful car wreck with a continually worsening state of affairs that’s likely to appeal to mass audiences. This is one flat out cool movie.”
Writer: Jason Gruich
Details: 92 pages

It’s funny that just Wednesday, I reviewed a script, “Don’t Worry, Darling,” where the ‘What I Learned’ section touted the power of the “Beginning of the Second Act” twist. And, more importantly, the key to pulling it off, which is to keep the First Act short. That way we get to the twist faster. Because once they get to that twist, you’ve got’em. It’s only before the twist that you might lose them.

I bring that up because there were definitely moments early in Cop Cam where I was wavering. Jason did a nice job keeping the writing sparse so that the eyes moved down the page. But there were some scenes where I felt like we were dragging on. Conversations were taken to their logical conclusion and then they’d start talking about something else. And then, once that conversation was over, we’d switch over to another conversation that was similar to that one.

Now if I were Jason’s Storytelling Lawyer, I would argue that the longer First Act brings us closer to Angel. The longer we’re with this guy, the more we’re going to like him, which means the twist is going to hit us harder. And I understand that argument. When you weigh the pros and cons of long first acts, one of the pros is we get to know the characters better before they go off on their journey. I’m just worried because we live in a world that’s dominated by distraction.

Just last night, I was watching an episode of HBO’s, “Succession,” which at one point I paused because I had to answer an e-mail, which, after the e-mail, I remembered I still had to finish an episode of Million Dollar Listing on Itunes, which, after making dinner, I decided to pause so I could watch the first episode of the NFL’s, “Hard Knocks” on Youtube. At no point did I plan any of this. Each change resulted from a distraction. And I think this is the way a lot of people source their entertainment. If you’re not entertaining me, I have other options.

And the thing is, once Cop Cam gets to the twist, it’s unstoppable. It’s an almost perfect script. I was riveted from page 42 to 92. But we’ll get back to that opening in a minute. For those who haven’t had time to read Cop Cam, here’s a quick breakdown of the plot.

MAJOR SPOILERS FOLLOW!

40-something Sgt. Angel Castillo is ready to retire. His wife is pregnant and it’s a much better game plan to have a kid when you’re not putting your life on the line every day than when you are. So Angel’s got one day left on the job. He suits up and makes sure his glitchy cop cam is working.

It’s an eventful day. Castillo wrestles down a perp, and while putting him in the squad car, the perp spits on him. Castillo reacts, punching him. Unfortunately, someone records the incident on their phone and uploads it to Youtube. Very quickly, “Crazed Cop Punches Man in Handcuffs” goes viral. Not a big deal though. This is par for the course for a cop.

Castillo is then assigned to take down a drug car. Standard bust. Not supposed to be a big deal. He and his partner, Griffin, stop a van but it looks like they may have stopped the wrong car. There are three passengers in their twenties. The driver, Clay, is a white guy. Marcella is in shotgun and looks terrified. And Rico is in the backseat, looking even worse than Marcella.

Castillo’s assessment is that they’re just kids and starts to ask basic questions. Comfortable that this will be an uneventful stop, he takes his guard down. And that’s when everything goes wrong. As Castillo is talking to Clay outside, gunshots fire out the back of the van window. Castillo and Griffin take cover but they’ve got the jump on them. Seconds later Marcella comes over, puts a gun in Castillo’s face, and just like that – BAM – OUR MAIN CHARACTER IS DEAD.

Marcella is freaking out. She’s now a cop killer. Clay is terrified. Rico is yelling. All the while, Castillo’s cop cam is blurting out that backup is coming. Rico freaks and says to grab the thing. Marcella rips the cop cam out and the three run back to the truck and off they go. We’re now watching them through the cop cam. Marcella calls her uncle, tells him the bad news and asks what to do. He tells her to meet a point man at the highway stop up ahead. He also tells her what they need to do to Clay. And so – BAM BAM – Clay’s dead too. They cover his body with a blanket. Poor Clay. Just trying to get a head start on that student debt.

Marcella and Rico pull up to the truck stop to wait for the point man, but are horrified when a rent-a-cop, Winston, approaches them. They think they’re toast. But Winston is just an admirer of cars who likes to chat. And chat he does, blah blah blah, riffing about whatever comes to mind. Marcella and Rico exchange glances. Can you believe this? After Winston leaves and the two are trying to decide what to do, they see Winston coming back with another cop. And he’s pointing at them. Time to get out of here!

But before they can go, County Cop puts a bullet in Rico, who dies. Marcella speeds away but County Cop is on the highway behind her almost immediately. As he gets closer and closer, out of nowhere, he gets CLIPPED from behind by a truck, and his car goes zig-zagging off into a ditch. It’s their contact, Cartel Cowboy, who pulls up even with her and tells her to pull over. She does, reluctantly.

Cartel Cowboy says they have to move, get Clay’s body transferred. She helps him out, and as soon as they’re finished, he raises a gun, shoots Marcella in the eye. We’re with Cartel Cowboy now. Or, at least, that’s what we think. County Cop has emerged from his car crash and he’s ready to rock. He’s got the drop on Cartel Cowboy and shoots him dead. County Cop seems to be after one thing. He leans into the car – there it is: the cop cam! He grabs it and now County Cop becomes our POV.

I could keep going but I’d like to save some of the surprises for the script itself. You get the picture, though. The real main character is the cop cam itself, or, if you want to be specific, us. And it’s the uncertainty of where we’re going to end up next that makes this script so exciting.

Christian Serratos for Marcella?

There’s a lot to get to here and I don’t know where to start so I’ll start with the title page. I love that Jason puts “Written by Lieutenant Jason Gruich, Biloxi P.D.” It immediately lets us know that everything we’re about to see is based in real life police rules. A lot of times when you’re reading, something will happen that seems unbelievable, and often, because writers are the kings of making stuff up, we assume that you made it up. But when you know you have a real lieutenant writing a police script, you know that’s how it would go down.

With that said, I did have some issues with the first 40 pages. I didn’t feel like enough was happening plot-wise. Which is okay if you’re dramatizing scenes so that they’re entertaining. But most of those first 40 pages was exposition and set-up. If this was a ten page challenge script? I may not have continued. It would’ve been right on the bubble. With that said, Jason counteracts with a very vertical writing style. I don’t remember any description chunk lasting more than 2 lines. And there’s a ton of dialogue. So even though the story isn’t moving at a pace I’d like, he makes it really easy to get through it.

The strange thing about writing, though, is that sometimes a negative can become a positive. Here I am, reading through this with a very neutral eye. I’m staying with it, but I’m not fully engaged. And then, OUT OF NOWHERE, comes one of the best scenes I’ve read all year. The level of tension that builds during Castillo’s stop of the van is incredible. It’s a great scene. And I’m not sure it would’ve hit me as hard if the story was operating at a more entertaining clip. It was almost as if we were lured into that same sense of “everything is okay” that Castillo was when he put his guard down.

And then Castillo is killed and it’s like WHOA! This writer just pulled a Psycho. And it worked! Because one of the reasons Psycho is the classic that it is, is that it doesn’t just kill off its main character after 40 minutes. It makes you sympathize with the character who killed them, which is really hard to do. And that’s exactly what happened here. When we switched to Marcella, I was scared for her. This poor girl is in over her head and we’re hoping she can find a way out.

And for Jason to then kill off Marcella too?????? I was gobsmacked. I was in that space that every reader dreams of being in: “I don’t have any idea where this is going but I need to find out!” A long-time moviegoer only gets that experience three or four times a year. And somehow, Jason pulled it off. Usually, when your script is dependent on shock value, the story doesn’t live up to all the shock. But this story comes together quite nicely at the end. I was surprised.

Now.

It’s time for my main gripe and my call to Scriptshadow readers to help me out with this. This movie is dependent on the Cop Cam POV changes being organic and believable. And I had a few issues there. For starters, I wasn’t sure why Marcella would take the cop cam. My thinking would be that it could be traced. Isn’t that what all criminals are worried about? And this feels like the most traceable thing you could grab. So that’s my first request. Can someone come up with a reason why she would take the cam.

Next up, was it just me, or were there times in this script where you didn’t know exactly what you were looking at because you weren’t clear where the cop cam was? There were several times where I thought we may have taken an omniscient point of view, not unlike a master shot, until it was time to go back into the cop cam again. If you felt this, how would Jason write it so that it was clear where we were at all times? That’s critical when reading this because a producer is going to need to know where the camera is at all times to know if the gimmick works.

The next time I had trouble was when County Cop grabbed the cop cam and put it on his mirror. I suppose he’s picking up the camera for someone else so, even though we don’t know that yet, it makes sense in retrospect. However, why would he put it on his mirror? It seems a little too perfect. And then, the rest of the way through, I found myself wondering here and there, “Where is the camera?” If you had this same issue, tell us in the comments and explain why you think that was. Then, let’s try to fix it. How do we organically hand off this camera every time?

One last thought. A few of you mentioned cop cam movies in development. Can you provide more info? Because even if they are, I would be willing to bet my retirement fund that this script is better than whatever they have. So if someone were to pick this up, they’d easily have the best cop cam script in town.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[x] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: This is basically the PERFECT SPEC. This is EXACTLY what you want to do with a spec script. It’s got a little gimmick to it. It takes place all in one day. The writing is very sparse. It’s 92 pages. If there was a class in writing the kind of spec that gets noticed the most, this script would be the ideal example. It stacks all the odds in its favor.

What I learned 2: It’s really good to have a script where people have to warn other people of spoilers. “Beware of spoilers” indicates that interesting enough things happen in the script that people are actually warning other people to avoid those things if they want the experience to be fresh. It’s not that every script needs to be a “Beware of spoilers” script to be good. But it definitely implies that a fun experience is ahead. Think about it. When someone says to you, “You need to watch One Man Cargo. Don’t let anybody spoil it for you ahead of time though!” Of course you’re going to go and watch One Man Cargo as soon as possible.

Note about the comments: I didn’t want to lose some of the script reactions from the earlier thread so I’m combining this post with the last one. If you want to see the latest comments, you can use the Disqus drop-down menu below to sort by “Newest.”