Genre: Rom-Com (but not the gay kind where Hugh Grant is involved – wait a minute, I like Hugh Grant. Good lord, what’s wrong with me?)
Synopsis: Best friends since grade school Max and Sophie move in together….and start cuddling!
About: This one generated a lot of heat when it first went out but ultimately failed to sell. Why? Let’s find out.
Writer: Kathryn McNulty

(photo by Gopher Topher)

When I first saw the title “Cuddle Bitches”, it reminded me of how important a good title is. Particularly for a comedy. If you see a comedy title and don’t at least smile, there’s something wrong with it. Good titles get scripts read. They inch them up the all important reading pile. My reading pile is now 30 scripts deep. Seriously. Although I try to keep them in order, every once in awhile I’ll just go searching for a good title. Let’s face it. When you have a choice between “Cuddle Bitches” and “The Fields Of Nebraska”, which one are you gonna choose?

Speaking of the title, Cuddle Bitches instantly reminded me of the controversial but popular 2008 Black List script “Fuckbuddies” (which you can find here). That script seemed to inspire either Nazi-like hatred or Oprah-like love. It’s written in such a distinct voice with such specific humor, I can see why some people kinda wanted to bash their face in after reading it. But I thought it was funny. It’s sorta one-note, but it’s like 95% dialogue, so it flies by.

What about this Cuddle Bitches script though? Did I spoon it? Did I whisper sweet nothings into its ear? Or did I wake up with it after a night of drinking and realize it was 50 pounds heavier than I remembered? This may come as a surprise to some but I liked Cuddle Bitches. Mainly because it follows the very simple Carson rule to writing a successful romantic comedy. Yes, I’m a broken record, but let’s say it out loud together: “Make sure we like the girl. Make sure we like the guy. And make sure we desperately want to see them get together.” Cuddle Bitches succeeds on all three fronts.

Max and Sophie have been best friends since grade school. Max is an architect (I know I know. Another rom-com, another architect male lead. That equals 643,402 and counting) who’s a bit of a playa. Not into the whole commitment thing. And Sophie’s the all around cool chick who also happens to be super duper hot. But of course Max doesn’t see her that way. And Sophie doesn’t see Max “that” way.

When Sophie’s boyfriend breaks up with her, Max offers to let her stay at his place. On the very first night she’s lonely, so she crawls into Max’s bed and spoons him. And so the beginning of the cuddle relationship begins.

During this relationship, Max begins to experience the dreaded four-eyed monster: “feelings”. Unfortunately he’s too afraid to tell her about them. As she’s on the verge of finding a new boyfriend, Max finally blurts out that he’s in love with her. She freaks out because up until this point she kinda only saw him as a brother. Confusion takes over. The inevitable miscommunication that always happens in these situations begins, making everything exponentially worse. And we’re left to wonder (or at least you’re left to wonder – I already know) if the two will end up together.

If I had to guess why Cuddle Bitches didn’t sell, my guess would be the third act. You see, with these low concept ideas, because there’s no story to hang your hat on, you’re forced to come up with a whole bunch of hibbledeegook in the end to make it seem like all this craziness is happening. When in reality, you’re just trying to come up with reasons to keep the two apart before they inevitably get together. (I mean!!! Not that they get together………spoiler alert?)

And that’s truly what it felt like. Up until that point, I was really into Cuddle Bitches. I wanted to find a bitch to cuddle with. I wanted to spoon. But the script does feel like it’s a draft or two away from a god’s honest life-changing cuddle. This was more the kind of cuddle that happens when you’re groggy and don’t really want anyone to touch you. So you pretend to cuddle to make the other person happy, yet secretly you can’t wait to get away from the cuddle. You know what I mean? Come on, you guys know what I’m talking about.

But yeah, the ending prevented me from giving this a strong recommend. Still a solid script though and definitely worth the read.

[ ] trash
[ ] barely kept my interest
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned from Cuddle Bitches: This was actually a bit of a revelation for me. One of the tell-tale signs that you’re reading an amateur script is that it takes too long to get to the plot. Good writers are efficient and get to the point fast. This is important because readers start to get antsy when the opening wanders. They start to lose trust in you, the writer. Yet by page 15, I still didn’t technically know what Cuddle Bitches was about. But I was still into it. Why, I wondered, when I blast so many other scripts for not following this rule, am I letting this one slide by? And I realized it was because the story was in the title. The two are going to turn to each other for physical support (cuddling) because the movie is called “Cuddle Bitches”. That’s what settled me down. The lesson being, use your title as part of the story. Allow it to focus your reader and actually become part of the setup. Definitely not conventional, but an option to keep in mind.

Genre: Comedy
Synopsis: A single father tries to reconnect with his college daughter and teenage son on Spring Break.
About: Comedy spec that sold a couple of weeks ago. From what I heard, it spun around for awhile and nobody bit. Then it got scooped up at the last second.
Writer: Christopher Baldi

The first fifteen pages of the screenplay are always the toughest. Because, as every good screenwriter knows, you’re trying to set up a lot of information in a very short period of time, you’re trying to do it without drawing attention to it, and on top of all that, you’re trying to entertain the audience. That’s why when I started reading Call Me Rusty, I was convinced I was reading some lucky amateur who conned a producer into paying his rent for the next couple of years. Christopher Baldi seemed like he concocted the first 15 minutes of his screenplay on his way to work. Nothing anybody does rings true. The basic set-up of the film is that the boss tells Rusty: “If you want me to give you a promotion, you have to bring me back a picture of you and your family on vacation.” That is the set-up to a script that just sold to mid six-figures.

Needless to say, I didn’t expect much from Call Me Rusty. And for a while, I didn’t get it. RUSTY (who may or may not be Clark Oswald’s son from National Lampoon’s Vacation) is a workaholic who hasn’t paid attention to his family since his wife left them 10 years ago. He’s got a hot 21 year old daughter and a horny teenage son. When he’s denied a promotion for not being enough of a “family man”, he begs his boss to give him a chance to prove that he is. Begrudgingly, his boss says if he spends a vacation with his family and shows him a picture of them together, he’ll think about giving him the promotion.

In the meantime, Rusty’s daughter and her slutty BFF are getting ready for Spring Break. Rusty barrels in and informs them that their party just doubled (the son’s coming along too). Again, wait a minute. Hold up here. Are you asking us to believe that a daughter is going to allow her father to join her on Spring Break? Do you think that in the history of the naughtiest nastiest sickest STD-producing week of the year that any daughter of any father in the world – even Pakistan – is going to say, “Sure dad, come along”? This is the problem with Call Me Rusty. On page 15 your characters are making nowhere near realistic choices. How am I, the reader, supposed to go along with this? This only furthered my suspicion that Baldi had no idea what he was doing.

And then slowly, ever so slowly, after they get to Spring break, I noticed that I was laughing more. Even though the scenes were somewhat episodic, the situations and conversations were making me laugh. To my surprise, Call Me Rusty became one of those rare scripts that got better and better – the savior being Baldi’s dialogue, which was fun, snappy, eccentric, yet never Juno-esque.

The highlight of the script is a silly but lol scene where Kristin is forced to play a game of truth-or-dare with her father. The whole time I’m thinking, “This is so stupid. This is so dumb”, and yet I couldn’t stop laughing. It had the potential to go to some really bad places (the dad and Kristin’s slutty friend hooking up) and even though it would’ve been funny, that’s not what the script is about. It’s about a father trying to reconnect with his family, and Call Me Rusty kind of succeeds. Sure, the script doesn’t break any new ground and it’s hardly one for the ages, but it’s a good solid comedy script and I can see why it got bought.

[ ] trash
[ ] barely readable
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned from Call Me Rusty: Iron out your set up (first 10-15 pages). It’s the hardest part of the script because you’re setting up so much information in such a short period of time. But if you don’t put the effort in, it’s going to come off feeling forced. Even though Call Me Rusty recovered, with some effort it never would’ve had to recover in the first place. “Bring back a picture of you and your family and you get the promotion.” Are you serious? Had this issue been solved from the get-go, it wouldn’t have taken 2 weeks for this to sell.

Since I haven’t reviewed all my top 25 scripts and a bunch of you have e-mailed me asking what they’re about, I decided to give a quick blurb about each one. I’ll divide this into two parts. Oh, and because I’m lazy, I’m not including links. You’ll have to reach over to the top 25 list and get the scripts from there (I know – I’m a horrible person).

1) EVERYTHING MUST GO
Genre: Indie Drama
A guy loses his job and his wife. She’s changed the locks to the house and left all of his furniture outside. Instead of shipping it off, he sets everything out in the front yard and starts living there. The reason I love this script so much is because the main character does exactly what I would do in this situation. You want me to leave? I’ll do the opposite. I’ll stay. It’s a bit of a strange plot and weird enough so that a good portion of you won’t like it, but it’s my favorite script of 2008.

3) THE F WORD
Genre: Comedy
A very simple premise. Guy meets girl, girl has boyfriend. Guy and girl become best friends. Guy and girl try desperately not to hook up. No huge surprises or twists here. Just an amazingly executed script. Very funny.

4) JUNIOR EXECUTIVE
Genre: Indie Comedy
In an attempt to get his estranged pilot father to come back into his life, a high school kid decides to build his own airport. If you’re a Wes Anderson fan, you have to read this script. Quirky, weird, hilarious. The writing is so simple as to make it look amateur but once you get going, you can’t stop. This one’s out there, but if you buy into a few early absurdities (borrowing 500k like it’s as easy as buying ice cream for example) it’s a great read. (note: no link for this. if you want it, contact me directly)

5) BRAD CUTTER RUINED MY LIFE AGAIN
Genre: Comedy
A hilarious script about a former high school nerd finally making his way in the world, only to find out that his company is hiring the most popular kid from his old school. Before he knows it, the company turns into its own high school, and once again, he’s the nerd.

6) BRIGANDS OF RATTLEBORGE
Genre: Western
I hate Westerns. But something about this one got me. What’s interesting is that this script breaks about every screenwriting rule there is. And it ended up being the top rated script on the 2007 Blacklist.

9) GOING THE DISTANCE
Genre: Comedy
A simple comedy about the trials and tribulations of long distance relationships. Geoff, the writer, is a master of comedy dialogue. Anyone who’s been in a long distance relationship can relate to this one.

10) WINTER’S DISCONTENT
Genre: Comedy
One of the most unexpected reads of the year. A bunch of old dudes looking for nookie in a nursing home. American Pie for the Viagra generation. Hilarious.

11) THE ORNATE ANATOMY OF LIVING THINGS
Genre: Indie Dramedy
Charlie Kaufman-inspired, the story of a man who finds out there’s a museum dedicated to his life. Very weird but very cool. One of the more imaginative scripts I’ve read. Was on the 2007(?) Blacklist. These are the same guys who brought you The Adventurer’s Handbook.

13) LAST NIGHT
Genre: Drama
This one’s already been shot with Keira Knightly and Eva Mendes. A woman (Knightly) starts to suspect her husband of infidelity with an extremely attractive coworker (Mendes). Things get complicated when he goes on his next business trip.

14) THE HANGOVER
Genre: Comedy
Much funnier than the trailer showed. But it’s a great little premise. Four guys have to piece together their drunken night to find a missing groom (who’s getting married THAT day). This is one of those scripts you read and immediately say, “I could see that as a movie.” Funny funny funny.

I’ll post the second half later in the week folks. Til then…

Genre: Sci-fi
Synopsis: A couple of UFO crashes cause a stir in a small town.
About: I picked this one out of the pile cause I was in the mood for some sci-fi. Christensen is repped over at ICM and apparently has produced credits, like the recent action flick “Passengers”. This is beyond shocking to me, as you’ll see from my reaction to the script.
Writer: Ronnie Christensen

One day I’d like to write an alien invasion film. I love the idea of aliens visiting us. What would they be like? What would they do? What would we do? How would we react? I don’t think any movie or TV show has captured the essence of these questions yet. You had “V” (which they’re doing an update of), but that invasion always felt hokey. You had the recent “War Of The Worlds”, but that was more B-Movie fun than the way things would really go down. The closest I’ve found to someone actually nailing the feel is a short film by Neil Bloomkamp, called Alive In Joburg. Lucky for me (and you), he’s adapted it into a full length feature that’s coming out this summer. But I digress.

The main problem that writers run into with this subject matter is, once the aliens arrive, what then? Your options are pretty limited because the big hook, the mystery of who the aliens are, is gone. They can wreak havoc, killing everyone in sight. Or they can integrate themselves into society. Invasion Of The Body Snatchers takes advantage of this premise and is one of the more inventive “invasion” films because of it. And Signs showed us an invasion from a very specific point of view with mixed results. There are a few others that have a fresh angle. Still, I feel like there’s the potential for so much more. Does Rift solve the riddle?

No. Not in the least. In fact, Rift is so amateur and juvenile, I’m actually angry I read it.

SETH is a 30 year old private on duty in Iraq (who the hell isn’t these days!!!??? – no more characters coming back from Iraq people!!). He can’t wait to get back to his wife and 4 year old son. When Seth almost dies in battle however, he’s diagnosed with PTSD and sent back to the states. We pick up on the story a year later when Seth inexplicably hasn’t spoken to his wife or child since his return.

The story begins when Seth decides to spend a weekend with his son. He picks him up, they head out to the forest, spot a crashing ship, inspect it, and some sort of alien creature snatches Seth’s son and runs off. I’ll be the first to admit that this probably isn’t exactly how it happened. I was so bored out of my mind while reading this that focusing became a chore. Let this be a lesson to writers. When you receive coverage (from agents/producers) that get all the details about your script wrong, it isn’t their fault, it’s yours. If you can’t keep their attention, they’re not going to care if they get the details right. They just want to get the read over with as soon as possible. Such was my experience with Rift.

Well the government moves in, quarantines the area, sends everyone from the nearby town away. But Seth grabs his wife and the two go on a hunt to find their child. This story element is flawed because we only met Noah, the son, for one scene. And to be frank, I barely remembered him. Just because he’s someone’s son doesn’t mean I have to like him. You have to distinguish him in some way so that I care whether they find him or not. But I didn’t care. Needless to say, this made the rest of the story pretty pointless.

Whoever these aliens are, their thing appears to be a particular kind of blood, that of which Noah (and Seth) have. As the “mystery” deepens, the final “big idea” is revealed (where these aliens are from – I’ll give you a hint: It’s not from another world. Think our world. Think not now. Think….way way far ahead), and well, it’s sorta interesting, but not really. Because again, you could care less whether Seth finds his kid.

Seth finally offers himself to the aliens to get his son back. He’s shipped to their “world” and proceeds to clumsily look for his son. Everything just kinda happens. Someone runs into him and says, “Oh, I know where your son is.” I can’t even handle discussing this anymore. I’m so disappointed. The ending is just…bad. Everything about this script is bad. This should give hope to any below average writer hoping to break in. This is proof that it can be done.

[x] trash
[ ] barely readable
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

link: Rift

What I learned from Rift: This was actually the first revelation I had while reading in awhile. There’s a point about midway through where Seth and his wife get into it. It’s a fight about responsibility, about family, about fear. It’s basically “the big argument” between the two main characters where their weaknesses are revealed. And I sat there wondering why this felt wrong. Why didn’t any of it ring true? And I realized it was because the argument was 30 pages too early. You have to wait until the end of the second act for that fight. Because after it’s over, most of the tension between the two characters disappears. They’ve already gotten it out. So what’s left?

Okay, all I know is that Bale was in the middle of a shot, and supposedly the D.P. – who was not in the shot – started fiddling with one of the lights behind him. Bale then unleashes a verbal tirade. And of course now it’s heard all over the internet. Who’s wrong in this situation? I’m sorry, but the D.P. is wrong.

Why would you be fiddling or even looking at lights DURING A SHOT unless you were going for some sort of effect (which apparently wasn’t the case)?? People are calling Bale a diva but do you know how difficult it is to get into character for an intense scene after you’ve been waiting around for 2 hours for them to set everything up? It’s really fucking hard. The idea is you create an environment that gives your actors the best opportunity to give a great performance. A.D.D. perfectionist D.P.s roaming around the back of a shot while film is rolling is a fucking amateur thing to do. The D.P. is retarded if he doesn’t know this. And to be honest, he does sound a little autistic.

I’m not saying Bale doesn’t have anger issues. But anyone who’s been on a film set knows they’re pressure cookers. You’re always racing against the clock. Thousands of dollars are being spent for every minute that goes by. Half the time you’re doing something that nobody’s ever done before and that nobody knows how to do. It’s intense. And I can see someone cracking when Jeff the Retard D.P. just has to check his scrim to make sure it’s fastened correctly.

This does not hurt Terminator at all though. Terminator is a badass franchise. So if one of the actors in the film does something badass, well then good. It’s a fucking Terminator film. That’s how it should be.

As a side note, this totally changes the game. Between this and the infamous David O. Russel breakdown, true divas are going to be a lot more careful with how they treat people on set. And ultimately that will be a good thing.