Genre: Thriller/Drama
Premise: A safari tracker who’s long since given up on life races home to look for his brother, who’s gone missing in the wilderness.
About: While this is Spencer Mondshein’s breakthrough script, he’s not a stranger to the industry. His father was an editor, and he was working as an assistant on Boardwalk Empire when he penned the thriller. He was lucky enough to convince Boardwalk Empire director Allen Coulter to give him guidance on the screenplay. The script made last year’s Black List and was picked up by Voltage Pictures.
Writer: Spencer Mondshein
Details: 98 pages

Shia would be perfect for this.

If you’re coming into the Scriptshadow 250 Contest, you’re most likely thinking like a lot of Scriptshadowers – “I need to have GSU.” Indeed, it’s a favored approach around here because it works. You want to give your main character a focused goal. You want there to be high stakes attached to that goal. And you want there to be urgency behind his pursuit.

But GSU can be dangerous in the wrong hands. If that’s ALL you’re adding to your screenplay, you’re going to find you have a really simplistic screenplay.

Some of the ways to avoid this are to add rich compelling characters, a rocking high concept, some clever twists and turns, and – the most dangerous but potentially rewarding route: Break the rules. Introduce something into the script that’s not traditionally done.

This is the scariest thing to do in screenwriting. You know you’re gambling when you eschew convention, but the rewards are much greater when you take the risk. Today’s writer gambles away, and you’ll have to read on to find out if he succeeds.

27 year-old Henry Davis hasn’t been the same since his father died. Henry’s been on some sort of failed spiritual journey ever since, medicating himself with booze and pills, trying to find a reason to go on.

Probably the only reason he hasn’t killed himself yet is his older brother Sean, who he hasn’t talked to in ages, but who he still loves very much. The two were close as kids and almost started a business together. But eventually Henry flew off to Africa to help rich English families track big scary African animals like his father used to do.

Henry’s been filled with even more rage than usual lately and he’s about at the end of his rope. Who would’ve thought that he’d be saved by his brother, some 5000 miles away, who’s gone missing in the wilderness.

Sean was doing an exploratory run for his mountain biking business when he slipped, fell, and became seriously injured. The script takes us over to Sean, where we see that he has stomach and leg injuries that leave him with about 36 hours to live at best.

Sean’s wife, Jessica, doesn’t trust the local clueless cops, which is why she calls Henry. For the first time in a long time, Henry has purpose. He arrives and immediately starts tracking, and as he does, we cut back to a series of flashbacks from the brothers growing up. These randomly sequenced flashbacks cover everything from when their father first taught them how to track to the brothers’ eventual break-up after Henry left Sean’s business.

As Henry gets deeper into the wild, nature throws more and more curveballs at him, and we begin to wonder if he’s going to make it. In the meantime, Sean is holed up in a cave, his health deteriorating rapidly. If Henry’s going to save his brother, and probably himself, he’ll have to pull off a miracle.

Ahhh, the flashback.

The evil infatuated-with-the-past demonic entity known as the flashback.

Screenwriters and screenplay professors everywhere will tell you to avoid it like the plague. But should you?

The answer, of course, is yes.

But there’s always an “unless.”

And the “unless” is if you can make the flashbacks matter. If they’re essential to telling your story, then include them. The thing is, they’re usually not. And writers don’t realize that.

What I’ve found is that flashbacks are either used to convey backstory that could have easily been conveyed in the present, or they’re utilized to fill up space when the writer doesn’t have enough story.

And that’s exactly what I was worried about here. The core storyline for The Search is bare-bones. You have two characters. One is looking for the other in the forest. It’s hard to turn that into a 100 page screenplay and not add filler.

So I was skeptical when the flashbacks began. I thought, “He’s just trying to get this to a respectable page count.” Because the thing you have to remember with a flashback is that it’s almost always detrimental. If you’re going backwards, it means your story isn’t moving forwards. And moving your narrative forward is THE ONE UNIVERSALLY AGREED ON component in screenwriting. Everybody agrees that if you’re moving your story forward, THAT’S GOOD.

But here’s what flashbacks give you when done well. They give you depth. In this case, depth to the main characters. If you stay in the present only with Henry and Sean, you don’t learn anything about their relationship. You don’t learn what happened to their father, what happened to their business, or how they drifted apart. And when that’s the case, you get that dreaded “GSU and nothing more” I was talking about at the beginning of the review.

But, see, the only way that you can justify adding all that depth, is if you deliver with your climax. All that setup you stopped your story cold for to go back to and show us, needs to be paid off in your finale. Or else what was the point of it?

So everything about The Search hinged on its finale.

And let me tell you this: The Search delivered in its finale.

One of the things I was frustrated with while reading this script was there were no surprises. I was always a bit ahead of the story. I know when I’m able to skim down a page and get to the end of a scene, and that scene finished exactly like I thought it would, that the writer isn’t challenging me enough. So I kept waiting for that one unexpected moment. And I finally got it at the end.

I’ll just admit to you right now that I wept like a little girl. I wasn’t expecting the script to go to that place. And I also realized that it was all those flashbacks that helped bring me there.

So I’d say The Search is a great example of a writer who risked breaking the rules (Rule #137 in screenwriting: “Avoid flashbacks!”), and found a way to make it work for the script. It also goes to show that people are much more likely to remember your script if you write a great/powerful ending. I’m not going to say that everything about this script was great. But the ending made up for a lot of its weaknesses.

[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[xx] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Flashbacks are like making a deal with the devil. They add depth to your story (creating deeper characters). But that depth comes at a cost (slows your story way down). So you have to weigh that every time you’re tempted to use a flashback. I will say this: If flashbacks become a consistent part of your story structure like they are here (they’re brought in repeatedly at regular intervals), that always works better than just randomly stuffing a few flashbacks into your story, which often feels hackneyed and lazy.

I want to try a new exercise today.  I want everyone coming to Amateur Offerings to read at least ONE SCRIPT until you get bored.  Then, share the EXACT MOMENT when you gave up on the script and why.  This is invaluable feedback to writers as most writers have no idea what’s going on in the reader’s head when they read their screenplays.  I expect this to be a helpful exercise.  Also, another reminder that the Scriptshadow 250 Contest deadline is in three and a half months!  Incentive to write your asses off!

Title: The Pool Boys
Genre: Drama/Comedy
Logline: Two brothers reunite after the death of their father and decide to start their own business cleaning pools: their first real client, the mob.
Why you should read: This story is exactly like A Beautiful Mind….except it’s not….at all. We penned this script as an ode to the throwback comedies of our youth (The 90’s) . It’s got good laughs, family values and some heart….and of course, girls. (Nip-Slip on page 36, you’re welcome)
ABOUT: Steve and Tim are both unemployed, and have lots of free-time….a lot. Even so, Steve recently managed to get one of his short stories produced – Mr. Happy, which stars Chance the Rapper and premiered on VICE in March of 2015. — Tim works as a janitor at night at a very prestigious university. He recently solved an extremely difficult mathematic equation that blew away the faculty, considering he is a janitor. He is currently being groomed by one of the professors.

Title: 51 DAYS
Genre: Drama
Logline: Under siege following a gun raid gone wrong, an embattled preacher must fight to protect his flock against an army of federal agents and a rogue disciple hell-bent on ascending to power.
Why You Should Read: Because you enjoy reading screenplays.

Title: Retribution
Genre: Crime-thriller
Logline: After two teens are murdered, a Detroit police lieutenant is hard-pressed to end an unprecedented wave of retributive violence—not against the gang suspected of killing them, but against the gang members’ families and loved ones.
Why you should read: I’ve written a number of scripts, and up to this point they’ve all been fairly comfortable, meaning they were in genres I felt I could do well. Mostly light comedies and family-oriented scripts. But I had an idea for something quite a bit darker and edgier rolling around in my brain for some time now. “Retribution” is the result. — It’s probably the most complex, layered story I’ve written. The challenge for me was to make it a clear and straight-ahead story despite the complicated storyline. I’d love to hear from the Scriptshadow community whether or not they think I’ve succeeded.

Title: Rock ‘N’ Roll Termites
Genre: Family/Action-Adventure
Logline: The biggest secret in music is one of the smallest things on the planet: TERMITES.
Why you should read: Pixar meets Spinal Tap. Animation turned up to 11. That’s not to say I rocked this baby out overnight. I made countless rewrites with the goal being to get it as close to “Pixar quality” as a single writer could get. RNRT made the second round in this past year’s Austin Film Festival screenplay competition. I’m a daily reader of Scriptshadow, for many years now. I love the community and would appreciate any feedback or thoughts, especially since it has been ridiculously hard to sell/pitch/get anyone to read an animation spec. I don’t normally write animation, but this was an idea I couldn’t NOT write. And I’m glad I did, cause it’s the best thing I’ve ever written.

Title: OMAHA TOWER
Genre: Thriller/Sci-Fi
Logline: The lone human attendant to the world’s first computer-automated air traffic control tower must avert catastrophe when, upon realizing the computer has rerouted two 747’s into collision course, he receives a mysterious transmission warning that if he lifts a finger to stop it, his family dies.
Why You Should Read: This script is an ode to my dad. He was a Navy pilot who later in life built his own small plane, and the hours of sitting up front with him as a kid listening to the slang-laden pilot/controller chatter on the headset burned a curiosity into me for the weird wonderful inside world of fliers. He passed away in a plane crash due to instrument failure a few years ago, and this is the kind of movie he would have dug.

After yesterday’s spectacular surprise, the buzz is high for this week’s Amateur Offerings.  If you’re too shy to display your script to the world, maybe doing the Scriptshadow 250 dance is a better option.  You know how it works.  Read til you’re bored.  Share your thoughts in the comments!

Title: Guilt
Genre: Dark Comedy (99 pgs)
Logline: A crack-smoking lawyer, witness to a murder, tries to redeem himself by vindicating the teen prostitute wrongly accused of the crime.
Why you should read: Though I’d love to come up with some touching, true-life moment that makes this story personal, I cannot. I simply wasn’t born into the same dire circumstances as those typically faced with the horrors of an unjust justice system. I’m also not a self-absorbed coke fiend like my protagonist. But while this story isn’t a reflection of my life, I know it is for many others, and I hope I was able to capture at least some of that strife, in addition to bringing some moments of ironic hilarity.

I’ve been a long time reader of Scriptshadow, mainly because no matter what the article or review, you seem to provide something fresh every time. You could throw a rock in any direction and hit five blogs on “how to write a screenplay”, or “the 10 mistakes young writers make”, but every one of them seems to just regurgitate the same points. It’s like no one has an original perspective on the business, except you and maybe a handful of others. And to your perspective, I made this script as lean as possible, while creating a fun character that any A-list actor should be dying to play.

My initial goal in writing Guilt was to meld the tragic angst of the Verdict, with the drug-fueled narcissism of The Wolf of Wall Street, along with a healthy GSU, because this young girl doesn’t have long before she’s put away for life.

Here’s what one Blacklist reader had to say: “What makes this script so interesting is how intelligently it tackles the unjust practice of forcing innocents into accepting plea deals. It’s rare to see a comedy that can highlight such a serious social ill while still keeping the laugh factor high, but thankfully, this script does just that. Reginald is a well-developed anti-hero; his heart is usually in the right place, but his actions don’t’ always reflect his good intentions. Though not perfect (see below), his relationship with his daughter Becca is what ultimately grounds Reginald as it gives him the greatest high of all time, one he could never receive from a drug. The dialogue, in particular Reginald’s monologues, is also extremely funny and well-written.”

I hope you find it a fun read!

Who doesn’t believe in second chances!?
Title: The Creation of Adam
Genre: Thriller/Horror
Logline: When Adam, a troubled teenager, learns from his father that they both carry an evil that is passed from father to son, Adam must decide to fight the demon…or become one.
Why you should read: Last year, when my script was featured on AOW, I got a very enthusiastic email from an actor-director who wanted to make the film with his friend, a famous actress, and a couple of other talents from CAA. My screenwriter’s dream was crushed when the actress decided that it wasn’t for her.The director probably went to look for another project to do with her and I was back to writing something new.

Here it is, a thriller/horror script, Shining meets The Omen, a movie I feel so passionate about, I’m willing to cheat the lottery, direct-produce-edit it myself if I need to. So, why should you read it? Because this script has mystery, thrills, horror, very cinematic set pieces you’ve never seen before and a weird father-son relationship gone horribly bad. A reader wrote “This script takes coming of age to a whole new level” Hope you agree.

Title: Drawing Dead
Genre: Crime
Logline: An opportunistic and ambitious sniper-turned-hitman gets the opportunity of a lifetime to fulfil his ambitions when he gets the job of killing the woman he’s falling in love with.
Why you should read: I work in an advertising agency, where I’m a strategist. My best work to date by far has been the strategies I’ve developed for how to appear hard at work in an open-plan office where my screen is on public display. And so, in emails to myself, word documents and in the notes section of powerpoint slides, this script slowly came together. When people were getting too close I’d switch to my native Norwegian, just in case.

Anyways, the script is a blend of three crime sub-genres (all with a twist): the hitman movie (Gen-Y has entered the workforce), the film-noir (the femme fatale and private detective join forces) and the Mafia film (a dysfunctional crime family replaces scare tactics with modern marketing principles).

I can but hope that the whole proves greater than the sum of its parts and that the result is a fresh and interesting read. I hope you enjoy it and I very much look forward to your feedback!

Title: Cielo Drive
Genre: Action
Logline: Taken set against the Manson Family murders. Sharon Tate’s father, an Army Intelligence vet, takes matters into his own hands when he infiltrates the L.A. underground scene in order to find her killer. — Tate’s father do go undercover but it’s never been revealed what he actually found. He was close enough to finding something that the LAPD were nervous about his presence.
Why you should read: My name is Erik Stiller, and I’ve just been promoted to Staff Writer for the upcoming season of CBS’ CRIMINAL MINDS. If you like LA history and revenge-action with a good man doing brutal shit then check out this feature.

Title: THE FUSE IS BURNING…
Genre: Mystery/Thriller
Logline : A troubled man tries to find solace by searching a desert canyon for dinosaur fossils. But everything changes when a young girl is found murdered in the same remote region.
Why you should read: There’s nothing like a good story. And this one begins one hundred sixty five million years ago.

It’s time for another edition of “Didn’t Get Picked.” It’s often debated how much query letters matter. I’m here to tell you that THEY DEFINITELY MATTER. As someone who receives a ton of queries (for Amateur Offerings, for The Scriptshadow 250), I  assure you, I can determine a lot from a query. In fact, I have an unofficial checklist of how I go from e-mail to full script read. It starts with me opening the e-mail. This is what happens next.

1) Can the writer put together basic sentences without any errors? If so, go to 2.
2) Is the query well-written? Does it display thought, care, passion? If so, go to 3.
3) Does the writer know how to write a proper logline? If so, go to 4.
4) Is the idea a good one? If so, go to 5.
5) Read the first page of the script. Does it pull you in? If so, go to 6.
6) Read until page 5. Is the script still keeping you interested? If so, go to 7.
7) Read until you get bored. If you’ve done your job, I will not want to put your script down until the last page.

Obviously, you can’t get to number 7 without first getting through numbers 1-4. I’d say about 50% of the queries I read don’t get past number 2. But if you get past number 2, there’s a good chance you know a good idea from a bad one. Or that you can at least craft a solid logline. So, many who get past 2 at least get me to read their first page. Of the people who get that first-page read, I’d say 25% of them get past number 6 (read at least five pages). Of those who get that far, I’d say I finish about 5% of those scripts. And I’m guessing the industry average is similar.

The lesson here being that nobody even touches your script unless your query letter and logline are solid. The frustrating thing about this is that writers don’t receive queries. So they have little reference for what it’s like to read a query letter. How can you get good at something if you can’t study it? Well, that’s what today is about. I’m going to put up some real-life queries that were sent to me and explain why they didn’t make the cut. We’re not here to bash people or to tell them they suck. We’re here to help each other learn. Let’s get started!

SOCCERROCK by xxxx xxxxxx

A retired pro soccer player from the United States has his career
resurrected to help the British Secret Service capture an elusive
terrorist cell and Kris Sanderson is also reunited with Dead Egypt,
the world’s most famous heavy metal band.

The world’s most popular sport is soccer. More countries are
registered with soccer’s governing body, FIFA (Federation
International Football Association), than in the United Nations.
From the slums of Argentina, to the sub zero temperatures in Siberia,
someone is playing soccer as you read this. Since the days of Elvis
Presley, to the sold out stadiums featuring Metallica, rock & roll
music is a global phenomenon. When you combine these two genres, the
results are electric and this is truly an original concept. Almost
every soccer movie ever made involves kids and cute animals, and is
usually a G-RATED affair. Every other sport has films of a more adult
nature. Hockey has “SLAP SHOT”, baseball has “MAJOR LEAGUE”, football
has “THE LONGEST YARD”, and golf has “TIN CUP”, just to name a few
examples. Where is the great adult soccer movie?? Using my experiences
as a professional soccer player for twelve years, as well as being a
sports writer and roadie for rock bands, SOCCERROCK is an
action/adventure story that is void of all the corny formulas that
exist in every Hollywood soccer production.

You want to start out a query letter by introducing yourself. Even if it’s a quick introduction. To jump right into your logline without saying anything is jarring. I’ll excuse this if the writer uses my format preference (genre, title, logline, why you should read), but as you can see, that wasn’t the case here.  As it turns out, I didn’t have to read any further to know that the script was in trouble. As passionately as the writer pitches his project, the logline indicates a story so unfocused as to be unreadable. From my experience, if a one-sentence logline is unfocused, the script will be extremely unfocused. There are three separate ideas here. A soccer idea. A heavy metal band idea. And a British Secret Service idea. True, the mixing of these elements is what makes the idea unique, but that doesn’t matter if the script sounds all over the place. I’d encourage the writer to focus on one subject with his next script.

Hi,

thanks for taking the time to read this email (and hopefully the script). I’m a Welsh based writer working in the tv industry as an assistant director. For the past two years I’ve placed in the quarter finals of the Nicholls with this script, and have used the notes from them to improve the script to get it to a stage where I think its ready to be pushed out into the industry.

This is where you come in Mr. Reeves. Hopefully you’ll agree and feature this script on your website and offer some good notes. I look forward to hearing back from you.

Title: Big Red
Genre: Sci-Fi / Family
Logline: Erin is a child orphan who runs away with a fugitive robot to find a new home.

Okay, so this time we have someone who greets me! That’s good! Unfortunately, the first letter of the opening paragraph isn’t capitalized. That tells me the writer hastily sent this query out and therefore doesn’t care enough about the craft. Later I also see an “its” instead of the correct, “it’s,” and that pretty much ensures the submission won’t make the cut. I’m looking for writers who care, who take this seriously, and who put effort into the written word – ALL the written words. Finally, the logline doesn’t introduce any conflict into the story. Someone runs away with a robot. But then what happens to ruin their plan? You need to include the key conflict in your logline.

Carson,

Hope your weekend was productive. I’ve been a fan of your site for nearly five years. It’s been a huge part of my screenwriting education. Below are the details of my Amateur Offerings Weekend submission.

-MAQ

Title: Page Turn Her
Genre: Drama/Comedy

Logline: A love-struck ad writer finds a magical journal that controls his unrequited crush’s actions, but he hesitates using it because the men who get close to her have a tendency to die.

Why you should read: I’m a longtime Scriptshadow reader whose last script, “King of Matrimony,” made it into Amateur Offerings Weekend. Based on the comments, I thought it would have been selected. Regardless, this new script is better in every way.

I have to give it to Michael. The man is persistent! He consistently submits his script every week, so I feel like the least I can do is explain why I haven’t chosen him. This is actually a pretty strong query. Michael keeps the introduction brief and catches my attention with flattery (been a fan of the site for five years). He can obviously write a clean sentence. There isn’t anything wrong with the query itself. It’s when I get to the logline that I have a problem. The logline starts out as a sort of magical What Women Want type film (ad writer who finds a magical journal that allows him access to his crush) but then becomes something much darker at the end (people are dying??). Put simply, it feels like a confused idea. Making matters worse is that it’s listed as a “Drama/Comedy.” So in addition to the comedy element (magic journal) and thriller element (people dying who get too close), there’s also a dramatic element? I don’t know if this idea needs to be scrapped or Michael just needs someone to help him focus it. But for future reference, you want your idea to be clean and easy to understand. If it results in even the slightest bit of confusion, rethink it. Hopefully this helps, Michael. And keep writing!

Title: The Psycho Sweethearts Reality Show

Genre: Dark Comedy/Satire

Logline: A reality show follows newly wed husband and wife serial killers as they try to keep their sanity as their celebrity increases.

Writer: Writer’s Anonymous

Why You Should Read: I was chatting with a group of friends when reality shows came up. I watch NOT ONE currently and never will again which I’m extremely proud about when a idea hit me.

Hey, maybe, I would watch a reality show if it were on street gangs, mafia, drug cartels, serial killers, spies, banksters or even the Illuminati. That idea thoroughly cemented in my head, I decided to try this idea for my next script. Finished the first draft in a month and rewrote it a month or two later. I believe I have something “SPECIAL” for the Scriptshadow community though I readily admit may be a draft or two away.

Scriptshadow community, you’re happy to run with the other ideas if you want.

This is a superficial script on superficial couple in a superficial world and I need all the constructive criticism you can give me.

I tried to keep the formatting of the e-mail to show that it had 2-3 line spaces between each section but it wouldn’t stick. Wonky formatting is an easy way to dismiss a writer. If you want to know how your e-mail is being seen, open up another e-mail account (if you’re on gmail, get a Hotmail account) and send your query to that e-mail. It’s an easy way to see how your query looks.

There are some other red flags here as well. How are you going to write about something you know nothing about? Just about the only way to give us an authentic story is to know as much about your subject matter as possible. Case in point: I think there ARE reality shows for all the subjects he mentions but because he doesn’t know anything about reality shows, he doesn’t know that. This said to me this was more of an experiment than a script the writer actually cared about. The last sentence also has an error in it: “This is a superficial script on superficial couple in a superficial world…” Writers have to remember that this is a PROFESSION they’re trying to break into. So you have to present yourself and your script professionally. If you didn’t put 100% effort into a 200 word e-mail, there’s no way you put it into a 20,000 word screenplay.

Title of script: HIT YOURSELF

Genre: Thriller / Dark comedy

Logline: When a retired hitman is hunted by his former employers for refusing to kill a homeless witness, they murder his best friend, causing him to seek revenge by writing a book, exposing their secrets to the public. But when it fails to sell, he is forced to pick up the gun, one last time.

Why you should read my screenplay:
This being my very first attempt at screenwriting, I feel it is a good example of just how much one can learn within a six month period. While the story itself went through several changes, the characters do not let their fictional roots ruin their ability to feel real.
The ghetto / drug area setting is very real, as I used real life experiences for my backdrop.
My style differs from the everyday writer, as I tried to take risks which I knew could either lose the reader, or keep them interested.
The main story and subplot blend together nicely, with some great twists. The further you read, the more things make sense, and things you thought seemed pointless become clear, up to the final image.
Finally, while it is a fairly simple story, showing how karma really can be a bitch, no matter how guilty you feel for your actions, it still manages to challenge you, as you keep track of timeline jumps and plot points that make you realize that what you thought you knew, was wrong. Not everything is what it seems.
Thanks for your time!!
Phil Golub

This isn’t a bad query. But there are a few reasons I didn’t pick it. First, the logline is more summary than logline. A logline sets up your concept, your main character, and the main conflict. It’s very succinct.  This one rambles.  You can also spot some story issues within it. Everything seems okay when we’re talking about a hitman being hunted, but then all of a sudden someone is writing a book? And we have to wait for that book to be released before the real story can begin? Writing and releasing a book takes, what? 6-12 months? What are we doing in the story during that time? Watching the character write? That’s not going to sell any tickets. You could do a time jump over this period, of course, but then you have a big weird time jump in the middle of your movie. Hitmen movies shouldn’t have time jumps. They should happen within a contained time frame.  Imagine if Taken had a 1 year jump at the midpoint.  It wouldn’t be Taken.  As if to confirm my fears, the writer than tells me this is his first screenplay. I get that some people use Amateur Friday to learn. But you don’t want to tell anyone this is your first script in a query. Everybody in the business knows that first scripts are terrible (with the rare exception – usually from writers who have written in other mediums). So the query reader immediately loses faith in you. Finally, the “why you should read” reads too formal (“I feel it is a good example of just how…). There’s a lack of freedom to the writing that tells me the script will feel the same. Writing should feel effortless to the reader, not like you’re proving a point in a senior thesis.

To all the writers whose queries I featured today: Don’t let any of this discourage you. You’re now armed with more knowledge so that your next script and  next query will be better. As long as you love screenwriting and dedicate yourself to it, you’ll eventually write something great and pitch it perfectly. But you need these speed bumps along the way to learn how to do it right.

NOTE: THE SCRIPTSHADOW NEWSLETTER HAS BEEN SENT! CHECK YOUR SPAM AND PROMOTIONS FOLDERS IF YOU DIDN’T RECEIVE!

It’s a delicious screenwriting Saturday.  Not only are you getting today’s offerings, and not only are you getting your daily reminder to enter the Scriptshadow 250, but later tonight, the Scriptshadow Newsletter will be hitting your mailboxes.  Yaaaaay!!!  And I’ll be reviewing a certain high-profile screenplay that is guaranteed to become one of the biggest movies ever.  So make sure to check your SPAM and PROMOTIONS folders later tonight.  And if you’re not yet signed up to receive the newsletter, you can do so here!

Title: Miss Universe
Genre: Sci-Fi Comedy
Logline: A vapid beauty queen is abducted by aliens who think her title means she’s Earth’s ambassador to the universe.
Why You Should Read: It’s “Galaxy Quest” meets “Legally Blonde.” Deep space has never been more shallow (Carson note: When everyone pitched their ideas on “pitch your script day,” this idea shot to the top of the list!)

Title: Time to Forget
Genre: Action/Thriller
Logline: A CIA agent whose memory has been erased is given four hours to assassinate the President of Palestine, but when he starts to doubt the validity of his mission, he finds himself hunted by authorities and mercenaries alike as he races to discover his true identity.
Why You Should Read: In the past Carson has written that theme and message are what tie a story together. In that sense, I’ve tried to knit this script up as tightly as possible. Rather than use amnesia as just a standard identity quest, I wanted to pose the question, “at what point does holding on to the past become damaging, and what is the cost of letting go?” In ways both direct and subtle, every major character is an expression of that theme. — Why else should you read? It’s also an action filled, GSU-loaded, race against the clock thriller that doesn’t get bogged down by its message or forget to have fun. Hopefully the SS community enjoys reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Title: Street Sharks
Genre: Family / Sci-Fi / Action-Adventure
Logline: A timid college student and his three brothers search for their missing father until they are kidnapped by a technology mogul and mutated into superhuman sharks.
Why you should read: My partner and I are both college graduates looking to get into the screenwriting industry. We wrote this script intending to pitch it to the industry, but as this is our first screenplay we do not have enough of a reputation to acquire the film rights to the Street Sharks franchise. We realize there’s no point in letting the script sit around, so we would like to receive feedback from you and the community on our writing. I hope everyone has as much fun reading it as we had writing it!

Title: Rose
Genre: Drama
Logline: After a rebellious slave falls in love with her master’s step-son, the two attempt to run away together before she can be sold to a villainous new owner.
Why you should read: I started out as an actor, and got into writing around ’08. I have two produced screenwriting credits (but don’t let those fool you, I wait tables). Most of my work, to date, has been comedic. This script is not. I read Uncle Tom’s Cabin in 2011 and a story with a female lead popped into my head. I was compelled to write it. People around me were like: what…? A story about slavery? You’re crazy, Brooks. But, I wrote it. I know it’s a Sisyphean task to get it produced but perhaps it can do well in competition. SS had been like a second film school for me. A great place to improve your script. So I submit it here to the Scriptshadow faithful today.

Title: Valentino’s
Genre: Thriller
Logline: In a quiet New Jersey town, a struggling Italian family discovers bags of stolen mob money buried in the basement of their restaurant – and someone is coming to collect.
Why you should read: You reviewed this a few years ago for me. A first draft actually. You seemed to like it and I really liked the notes you had to give. I spent a few months on rewrites, submitted to the Blacklist where it did well with an 8. That reviewer really liked it as well. Ok. Great. Heard nada. Then this went into Warners last year and they passed. I’d never just give up because one studio passed. Hell no. But now what? — I’ve always loved this story and am ready to give this another look now that some time has passed. It seems to get somewhere then go nowhere. What is missing from this story to push it above par?