Welcome to a new weekly feature here at Scriptshadow. Now there’s no guarantee this is going to catch on. You may demand your money back in favor of extra Amateur Offerings voting. But I thought it’d be fun if, every week, either myself, or one of you, pitch an obscure, unknown, cult, or under-appreciated movie, offer it up to the readers as a recommendation, and then we can all discuss the screenwriting merits of it. I thought I’d start the first couple of weeks, and from there on out, readers can submit their suggestions to carsonreeves1@gmail.com (I know Poe will have a few!). If I read a compelling pitch, I’ll make that the “obscure movie of the week.” Just give me the movie title and then 300 words on why you think people should give it a watch.
We’re going to start with a ten year old movie that I believe is one of the most overlooked horror films of the new millennium. When it came out, I don’t think people realized how deep it was. They tagged it as one of the many “Sixth Sense” and “Ring” knock-offs that were coming out at the time. But there’s so much more going on here.
I think that’s where the movie got screwed. Because if you watch it passively, it does feel a little dumb. But if you pay attention – and I mean REALLY pay attention – you will experience one of the most fucked up and horrifying twists you’ve ever witnessed. It’s really disturbing. And here’s the thing. I don’t think half the people who watched this movie got the twist. I still remember Roger Ebert reviewing the film on his show and bringing up “nonsensical” things that indicated he didn’t understand said twist either. So go check this out (sorry, you’ll have to find it yourself) and discuss in the comments. Also feel free to down-vote this new feature if you’re not a fan. Enjoy!
Every Saturday we give YOU the Scriptshadow reader the opportunity to put your script up for critique against four other writers. If your screenplay gets the most votes, you get a review the following Friday. If that review is positive, you just might get some industry attention, as past Scriptshadow Amateur Fridayers can attest. With that in mind, let me remind the amazing Scriptshadow faithful that we tend to get less entries after weekends when the commenters are too harsh. I think when you cut writers down too hard, it scares potential submitters away.
Since I know you want to read the best scripts possible, let’s try and be critical but also supportive. Nobody here is a pro yet, and many are just starting out. So they don’t know everything. Help them out by critiquing their script with a positive slant. Less “Your characters bored me to death” and more “You should look into how to arc your characters.” I just want to bring the best scripts to you all, and I think that’s the best way. For those new to this exercise, read as much as you can from every script and vote for your favorite in the comment section. Enjoy, everyone! OH! And one more thing. I’m going to try something new on Sundays. So tune in tomorrow for what may be a new weekly post. Look at me, I’m such a tease.
Title: REMOTE
Genre: sci-fi/thriller
Logline: A freak winter storm creates a rip in time, giving a desperate, grieving man one final chance to save his recently deceased wife and daughter, but only if he can prevent a young woman from being brutally murdered.
Why You Should Read: I have submitted my short films to you in the past, “The Last Halloween” and “Remote” (which this submission is based on) and figured it was time to share a screenplay with you and my fellow Script Shadow readers. My script is a feature length expansion of my critically acclaimed and award winning short film “Remote”. Who hasn’t wanted to hit the “reset” button after a bad decision or tragic event – to turn back the clock and fix a mistake? To right a wrong? Remote explores this idea in the context of a psychological thriller, with a dash of speculative fiction, in what I believe to be a fresh take on the idea of second chances. It takes two of the most familiar themes in genre filmmaking – namely, serial killers and time travel – and combines them in a visually striking way, contrasting modern digital media and old-school analog technology. At it’s core, Remote is a human drama that explores loss, grief and regret. But it is also a story about hope and redemption. With adrenaline-charged set pieces, my goal is to constantly keep the audience guessing and engaged, never quite sure what to expect, and always amazed by what comes next. — You can view the short film here.
Scriptshadow periodic reminder to center those title pages!
Title: My Companion’s Lair
Genre: Horror
Logline: A troubled young woman, still grieving the loss of her parents, fears losing her ailing best friend, then considers killing her, when a stronger candidate unwittingly presents herself.
Why You Should Read: My intention, in writing a horror story, was to remove several lame elements, common in most; namely: gore, jumps scares, and rampant teen sex, and replace them with rarities, such as: interesting characters, and a compelling story. — And, after two years and, roughly, a dozen drafts, I think I’ve ended up with a pretty darn solid horror story; one that satisfies the above criteria, and is, at least, “worth the read.” — But, enough out of me; accept this invitation, to “My Companion’s Lair,” and decide for yourself.
Title: The Source
Genre: Action, Fantasy
Logline: A young slacker is recruited into a secret war between a dangerous, centuries old magical force and the warriors fighting to save the world from it.
Why You Should Read: After writing a script at the start of this year, I was extremely fortunate to be helped by some very generous people in the industry and the circulation of that script permeated a phone call from the head of one of the biggest representation companies in LA, and an inquiry from the people of one of, well, The Avengers. Rather heartbreakingly, neither of these leads worked out. That script was about classical music and hookers. This one is my genre script. We’ll skip the moderate alcoholism and time I spent in the fetal position in between the two. I’ve been trying to write this script for two years and I think I might have finally cracked it. All things considered, that probably means I didn’t. I don’t have (m)any people to bounce ideas off of so hopefully you guys can help. And if I haven’t cracked it, well there’s always that spot on the floor in the corner of my bedroom. The tears have dried now.
Title: Dead Drunk & Naked
Genre: Action Thriller
Logline: A troubled state police officer teams with his cantankerous war veteran father when he tries to rescue his younger brothers, two muscle car street-rodders who have gotten in over their heads transporting marijuana for a team of ex Special Forces assassins.
Why You Should Read: Because it’s a polished draft in a classic genre, with strong characters, crisp dialogue, and set in a unique world. This is by definition a low concept genre exercise, and yet these types of movies seem to get made all the time, albeit straight to VOD and DVD, so I’m hopeful that an AF spotlight might help get this script in front of the right eyes. It’s gotten a little bit of love on the contest circuit (Page Semi Finals and two rounds at Austin), and I’m optimistic that many of the great SS Faithful will enjoy it and that it will rise to the top if given a spot on AOW.
Title: The Big Stink
Genre: Kids Animation
Logline: Times are changing in a small community of stinkbugs and resident Stew Stinker doesn’t fit in. After he’s exiled for being too stinky, Stew learns that being himself is the key to saving his tiny town from a group of Wasps sent to root them out.
Why You Should Read: My roommate and I moved to California 4 years ago and this script is all we have to show for it. This is literally our baby, and it’s unlike anything you’ve ever read. It has heart, comedy, action, and the cuteness factor that all successful animated kids movies have in common.
REALLY LIKE THIS WEEK! Some strong contenders. One is a writer who I’ve personally read and know is great. And Dead Drunk & Naked may have one of the most polished and professional loglines submitted to Amateur Offerings all year. This ought to be good.
Get Your Script Reviewed On Scriptshadow!: To submit your script for an Amateur Review, send in a PDF of your script, along with the title, genre, logline, and finally, something interesting about yourself and/or your script that you’d like us to post along with the script if reviewed. Use my submission address please: Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Remember that your script will be posted. If you’re nervous about the effects of a bad review, feel free to use an alias name and/or title. It’s a good idea to resubmit every couple of weeks so your submission stays near the top.
Genre: Sci-Fi
Premise (from writer): When a young man serving on the zeppelin Hindenburg discovers that a deadly, shape-shifting alien is hidden on board, he must defeat it or the girl he loves will suffer a fate worse than death.
Why You Should Read (from writer): I already sent you two of my other scripts for the Scriptshadow 250 contest, but what you wrote about the lack of big idea scripts inspired me to send you my biggest idea script. With its love story on a doomed vessel coupled with an alien which can assume the form of anyone it devours, it’s like TITANIC meets THE THING… I worked hard to make the script as easy to read as possible (no paragraph over 2 lines, only 97 pages) and to keep it moving and entertaining. If you’ll like it I’d really love for you to come on board as a producer!
Writer: Tal Gantz
Details: 97 pages
I’m throwing EVERYONE for a loop today. There was a lot of discussion over last week’s group of scripts, but not a lot of voting. I think that says something. If people aren’t compelled enough to even type “I vote for [x]” in a comment, then something’s missing from your script. So I decided to look into it more deeply until I finally figured out what the problem was. I can’t believe, in retrospect, how obvious it was.
The writers didn’t center their title pages.
As we all know, the most important part of any screenplay is not just the title page, but how well you center that title. I try to get this across to new writers all the time. It’s not about character or dialogue or structure. It’s about centering. Think I’m exaggerating? Let me put it this way. I heard that the best script ever submitted to the Nicholl Fellowship was rejected because the title wasn’t centered properly.
Yes.
I got in touch with the writer and apparently his centering was 4 and a half pixels off. In his defense, his title included a hyphen and an ellipses, which confused the matter, but you know what? That’s no excuse. He should’ve known better. You can’t have an improperly centered title page and expect this industry to take you seriously.
All of this forced me to go back a few Amateur Saturdays to find a script that DID center its title properly, and boy am I excited. This script exuded one of the most center-positive attitudes I’ve ever seen. So much so that I’m nominating it for the prestigious “Center Award,” which as you all know rewards the most centered objects of the year. It is time, my friends, to review a script that dares to care about the things that really matter. Let’s take a trip back to… The Hindenburg Alien.
It’s 1937, a year before the world lost its innocence, and when Germany graced us with the largest flying machine anyone had ever seen, the Hindenburg. We join this gargantuan airship while its loading up passengers for its impending flight. This is where we meet 20 year-old David Grant, a ship hand who’s trying to kick ass and not be a Nazi.
David is joined by his comic relief co-worker, Harry, and the demonstrably stodgy captain, Mr. Lehman, along with a host of other worker bees that make flying the Hindenburg so exciting, when it’s not bursting into flames and roasting its passengers alive that is.
Shit gets Nazi-real when a professor rolls up a giant iron box that looks like it could be a Steampunk transformer “before” picture. Following him is 19 year-old Anna, the girl of David’s dreams, who is unfortunately followed by Hans Muller, her Nazi fiancé. So much for that love connection. I’m guessing that’s nazi-gonna happen.
After the Hindenburg takes off, David wanders downstairs in time to see a co-worker, Eric, get pulled into the iron box and EATEN by whatever’s in there. David runs upstairs to tell the captain, but when they come back down, it appears that Eric is fine. OR IS HE? Eric’s acting strange, and after a bit of sleuthing, David figures out that whatever was in that box has taken the form of Eric.
David eventually finds Anna, and because she’s just so darn dreamy, he informs her of what he saw. She believes him and wants to help, but her evil fiancé, Hans, keeps hanging around and being all clingy. Those Nazis. We eventually find out that Anna is only marrying this jerk because he’s agreed to smuggle her father out of the country to safety.
While evil alien-monster thing jumps form one host to the next, David realizes that if this planet-hopper lands, there’s a good chance it’s going to spread its seed and earth as we know it will turn into an intergalactic truck stop. So David must overcome his fears and take Alien Yucky Head on. One on one. May the best… biological… living creature win.
I’m digging the concept here. Tal’s obviously been influenced by Titanic, but he knows if he takes that approach, it just becomes Titanic on the Hindenburg. And we’ve seen “Titanic on the…” films before and they never end up well (Pearl Harbor). So he wisely turns this into a sci-fi film and makes it more of a monster-in-a-box movie.
Here was my issue while reading The Hindenburg Alien though: It was too darn simplistic. And I know this might sound confusing because I’m always harping on you guys for being too complex. But rarely does ANY extreme work well, and that includes being too simplistic.
I don’t want this to come off the wrong way but “Hindenburg” felt like it was written by a third grader. That’s not to say there were a lot of spelling or grammar errors. But the grammar was devoid of any color or nuance. There was no flavor to the way anything was written, leaving the script feeling so basic that it was hard to get excited about anything.
Here’s an example: “David and Harry sneak into the deck. All is silent and still. Eric is nowhere in sight.”
You see how rudimentary and lifeless those sentences are? Even the book our romantic lead is reading is titled: “Romantic Poems.” The only title I can think of more generic than that would be, “Written Stories.”
I can overlook colorless prose sometimes if the character work or dialogue is exceptional. But both of those suffer from the same problem. Here’s a dialogue exchange from when David meets up with Anna. David: “How did you know it was me?” “Your footsteps gave you away. Quiet, but strong. Just like you.” Is it just me or does that sound like it was spoken by an animatronic automaton?
You know, it’s funny. Technically speaking, Tal does what myself and many screenwriting folks teach in regards to dialogue. Keep the lines sparse and to the point, usually under three lines. But while this sounds great in practice, if EVERY SINGLE SPOKEN LINE OF DIALOGUE is like that, it feels generic and lifeless (and worse – predictable). And plus, in the real world, everyone talks differently. Some do keep it short and to the point. But others can’t shut up. I didn’t get enough of a sense of different personalities and talking styles here. To that end, changing up the dialogue length for each character would’ve helped a ton.
But yeah, in general, we needed more color to everything. In the description, the dialogue, the backstory, the plotting. A basic plot point would be “Let’s follow Eric” and at a certain point I felt like I’d asked for a Chinese chicken salad and they’d brought me a head of lettuce and a few ketchup packets.
I will say this about The Hindenburg Alien. It’s not as simplistic as Monday’s “Free Fall,” which sold. And Tal’s got the right idea here. This is a big enough concept that it could be turned into a movie. But if he wants to improve his chances, he needs to add more complexity to the characters and the plotting, and he needs to add some color to the writing himself. I would recommend he check out Osgood Perkins’ script, “February,” for how to add color through prose, and Aaron Sorkin’s, Jobs, for tips on how to write more colorful dialogue.
Good luck, my friend. You’re on your way to something here. ☺
Screenplay link: The Hindenburg Alien
[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Be mindful of long absences by your characters (30+ pages). You can’t just bring them back whenever. It’s very likely we’ve forgotten who they are. Or even if we remember their name, we’ve forgotten the exact circumstances by which they’re attached to the story. That’s what happened here. We meet Anna’s father, Rosen, when he arrives on the ship, but I’d forgotten about him by the time he showed up again 50 pages later. I thought to myself, “Wait, did we see him board in the opening?” I wasn’t sure. And because there were a lot of dream-scenes in The Hindenburg Alien, I thought she may have been dreaming about her father. To eliminate confusion, add another scene with Rosen somewhere between those two scenes. That way he stays prominent in our minds, and we’re not playing the “Who’s This Dude Again?” screenplay game (a game I have to play way too much!).
Today is a day for you guys to do some writing! I’m holed up reading Scriptshadow 250 scripts all day and haven’t been able to come up for air long enough to write something of any substance. If it helps, I will let you in on what kind of scripts I’ve been reading that haven’t been making the cut. The scripts tend to fall into two categories.
1) Way too complicated (too much going on).
2) Zero voice (extremely standard executions that display nothing in the way of a unique point-of-view).
At first glance, these may seem to contradict each other. To create something with a unique voice, don’t you need to move away from simplicity? Give the story more variables? In short, NO! What you need is to come at your idea from a unique angle. Steve Jobs could’ve written “Jobs” as a cradle-to-grave biopic. Instead, he chronicled the 45 minutes before the three most important product launches of Jobs’s life. As you can see, the story was still very simple.
Feel free to comment about that or use today’s post to pitch potential ideas you’re working on or ask the community for help on specific problems you’re dealing with in your current screenplay. I’ll see you tomorrow!
Poor Richard’s Almanac, with its “Lost meets True Detective” vibe, has the potential to be one of the hippest shows ever put on television. But does it put the cart before the horse?
Genre: TV Pilot
Premise: We observe the rise of a series of terrorists attacks inside the U.S. both in the present and 15 years in the future.
About: Today’s pilot will be joining Mr. Robot on USA as part of the cable network’s new edgier approach to content. The series comes from Jim Danger Gray, who served as a producer on Orange is the New Black, and Miguel Sapochnik, who directed a couple of Game of Thrones episodes.
Writer: Jim Danger Gray
Details: 56 pages (March 2015 draft)
It took USA 30 years, but Mr. Robot has finally made them cool, and they’re so confused about the endeavor, they’re not quite sure how to keep the looks from the ladies coming. All they know is that “cable cool” requires they continue taking chances, and so we get something called “Poor Richard’s Almanac.”
You know, it’s funny. Yesterday, I railed against a script for being too safe – for following all the beats yet disregarding the melody. Today’s script is all about melody – a very weird melody. But the beats? They’re not here. And part of that is due to the looser TV format and part of it is due to Jim Danger Gray being a fucking maniac. Maniac in a good way? Bad way? Only one way to find out.
It’s the present day and three buildings in downtown Philadelphia have just been blown up. It’s clearly a terrorist attack, but from who? We follow an eager reporter, Brooke, who’s made her mark mostly by being gorgeous, as she tries to get some gritty footage from the scene in a desperate attempt to get taken more seriously.
Meanwhile, across town, a CIA agent named Darwin is picking his sister up from the local nuthouse. Madison has always been a little off. But these days she’s spouting out every cliché homeless man conspiracy she can wrap her tongue around. You know – the New World Order, how Obama and Bush are in cahoots, that she’s been implanted with a chip from the government.
Elsewhere in the city, we meet Matt, an FBI agent desperately trying to figure out who just attacked the United States. Lucky for him, amidst all the bomb rubble, our bomber – or one of our bombers – is holding onto his last shred of life. Keeping this gentleman alive is crucial, since Matt’s just been informed that more terrorist attacks are coming. Terrorist Shithead here could be the only way to stop those attacks.
Poor Richard’s Almanac is already a whirlwind. So when we start getting randomly thrust 15 years into the future, we realize that the show has been specifically constructed to deconstruct our equilibrium. In the future, all of these characters are still alive, but working on different things.
Matt, for instance, is stealing some odd circular machine from a local government caravan, utilizing a group of rebels to do so. Brooke is now apparently his girlfriend and partner in crime. Darwin is now in a prison being water-boarded for information he contains. All of this is glimpsed through 2-3 minute flash-forwards, and as we bounce back and forth between the past and the present, it’s up to us to find some semblance of connectivity between it all.
In the end, it’s determined that whoever’s orchestrating these attacks is doing so from inside the United States government. Which forces the country to turn on themselves in order to find the moles. But what they find instead will reshape America in ways that would’ve been impossible to foresee. What this means is that our group of men and women, the ones we meet on this journey, are to become the new founding fathers of an America very different from our own.
Okay, so if I haven’t made myself clear already: Jim Danger Gray lives up to his name. This man is dangerous with a capital D. Poor Richard’s Almanac feels like it was written during an all-night coke party while binge watching True Detective, Lost, and 12 Monkeys. I’ll give the script this – it’s relentless. It grabs you by the throat and never lets go. But I’m not sure I’m being spoken to in a known storytelling language here. It’s more like someone’s grabbed me by the face and screamed at my eyes for 50 minutes. Not going to lie. I cried in fear a few times.
That relentlessness brings up an interesting question. Should we be careful what we wish for? Everyone’s saying we need NEW FRESH voices and stories. But what happens when stuff’s so fresh it isn’t even ripe yet? Yesterday, I got my standard little mountain climbing thriller where I was so far ahead of the writers, it was like watching a rerun. Here, it’s the opposite. This is a writer taking every risk in the book. We don’t know what’s going to happen from line to line, much less page to page. Is that a good thing?
What I’m always looking for in every story is FORM. Or “a plan.” If I feel like the writer has a plan in place, whether that story is conservative or crazy, I’m likely to keep reading. It’s when the writing feels made up as it goes along that frustration kicks in. The thing about Poor Richard’s Almanac is that it’s one of the few times I’ve ever read something where I DON’T KNOW IF THERE’S A PLAN IN PLACE OR NOT.
Everything is so relentless, so mystery-boxy, so “in the moment,” that it really does feel like it was written in one night. But I suppose if we’re periodically cutting to the future, then Gray has to know what’s going to happen. There has to be a plan in place.
Another issue with Poor Richard’s Almanac is that we never know normal. We’re thrust into the problem immediately with no chance to find our bearings. For all you Breaking Bad fans, I want you to imagine the series starting during the 5th season episode where Walter White is in the desert in a gun battle with those criminals. Would you care about Walter? Or isn’t it the gradual build-up, learning about this man’s situation and slowly watching him get to this point, that makes us give a shit?
And look, there are no rules to storytelling. You can start slow and introduce us to your hero or start fast with them hopping into a Cambodian village killing everyone Rambo style. But there’s a reason 99% of the first acts you see in film establish your hero’s everyday normal life. There’s a reason we meet Luke on Tatooine grumbling about picking up tashi converters, as opposed to in an X-Wing fighter in a space dogfight with Darth Vader. So we can get to know the dude and care for him before we’re asked to give a shit during a major battle.
If you want to compare apples to apples and look at TV, well, in that case there’s even more evidence that you need to start slow and get to know everyone. Isn’t that the whole advantage of TV? Is that you have time? That you can explore character before having to engage in anything action-related? Another pilot that starts with a terrorist attack and does a little bit of jumping back and forth in time is Quantico. But even that show knew it needed to introduce us to all its characters and their current lives before it was all thrown into a blender on the highest setting.
To be fair, I suppose Lost threw us into the shit right away, but then it took a step back, slowed down, and let us meet everyone. Poor Richard’s Almanac is all high octane fuel all the time.
I guess in the end I just wanted a little prep-time. Get in the cab before I was thrown on the airplane. Maybe I’m being too “rules-y” or maybe this is a preference thing, but whereas yesterday I felt way ahead of the writer, today I felt way behind. And at a certain point I stopped trying to catch up.
[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: The opening is when you establish your character’s everyday world. This is important as it’ll help us get to know the character – their flaws, fears, strengths, weaknesses – before the shit hits the fan. This is not to say that what Poor Richard’s Almanac did today was wrong. But anything where you go against traditional structure is risky. So just know what those risks entail, how they affect your story, and try to make up for them in some way. So if this pilot would’ve found another way to introduce us to these characters (the way that Lost, for example, would flash back to their lives before the plane crash), then it wouldn’t have mattered as much that we were thrown into the mix without getting to know anyone.
