Genre: Sci-fi
Premise: (from Black List) An epic love story set in a time where a dying scientist is able to upload his consciousness into the internet and, facing its global implications, must fight against the forces who are actively working against the existence of a singularity.
About: This was one of the hottest projects in town last year, born from a script that sold for a lot of money. It became hot when Christopher Nolan’s longtime director of photography, wanting to make his directorial debut, attached himself. Johnny Depp signed up soon after. Then Morgan Freeman, the girl with the dragon tattoo’s sister, Kate Mara, and Iron Man 3’s Rebecca Hall. The film is in the can and will be hitting theaters in April, trying to grab that pre-summer sci-fi slot that’s proven so successful for a few projects. As for the writer, Jack Paglen, this is his breakthrough script! However, he didn’t start writing yesterday. He actually had a script on the 2007 Black List, with 3 votes (called “Joy”), and was teaching screenwriting at the New York Film Academy in L.A. (isn’t that an oxymoron?) while writing Transcendence. Transcendence finished with 7 votes on 2012’s Black List.
Writer: Jack Paglen
Details: 5/01/12 – 131 pages
This is not the first time I’ve seen this idea. In fact, I’ve seen people trying to crack this story (or stories like it) for awhile. There was even a huge spec written in the 1990s by Kyle Wimmer that tackled very similar territory. But without question, Transcendence transcends the idea. Paglen cracks it. All of the pitfalls inherent in this concept (which there are many of), he found ways around them. To understand this script, you have to imagine 2001 occurring here on earth. On a global scale. Sound ambitious? Well, this is an ambitious script. And while I wouldn’t put it in the category of “great,” I’d say it’s pretty damn good.
30-something neurosurgeon Max Waters is one of a handful of scientists across the world who is making strides in artificial intelligence. Their goal is to reach the “Singularity,” a nerdy term for when computers become as smart as humans. From there, it’s assumed, computers will become twice as smart as humans, then four times, then eight, then 16, and so on very quickly, til the point where their intelligence level will literally allow them to do anything, and anything may include getting rid of us.
Which is exactly why a renegade group out there known as the “RIFT” is trying to assassinate these geeks. They believe once the singularity is reached, our planet will be in danger. They manage to kill most of these scientists, but strike out with Max. They do manage to shoot Max’s best friend, Will, however. Lucky for Will, the shot is a flesh-wound. Unlucky for him, the bullet is laced with uranium. Will (who I’m assuming will be played by Depp) will be dead in weeks from radiation poisoning.
Will’s wife, Evelyn, however, is very close to figuring out how to copy an organic brain into a digital drive. And she gets this wild idea that they should do this for Will before he dies! Max thinks this is way too weird, but Evelyn is so passionate about it that he goes along with it. We also get the feeling that Max has a bit of a crush on Evelyn, and that he’ll do anything she asks.
A week later, Will dies, but Evelyn gets him copied by the skin of her teeth. Naturally, it’s a little weird talking to your husband when he’s inside of your PowerMac, but I guess it’s not that different from Skype, right? I mean, outside of the fact that he’s eternal and lives inside the internet and controls the stock market? Besides that, it’s just like any other form of electronic communication.
It doesn’t take Will long to realize what he’s capable of. So he starts making money off the stock market, transferring that money to offshore accounts, having materials shipped to an area in the middle of the desert, and paying construction crews to come there and start building a new “super-town/base” with those materials.
Max gets creeped out by Will’s aggressive need to expand, and warns Evelyn to shut him down. But there’s no way Evelyn’s killing her husband, even if she knows he’s acting like a Digital Hitler. Oh, but it gets worse. Since Will has all the information and knowledge and intelligence in the world at his finger…err, at his keyboard-tips, he’s able to build a new breed of nanotechnology that starts building shit on its own.
He uses this technology to infiltrate his workers, essentially making them slaves, and turning them into extensions of himself. And once his mini-city starts coming together, Will is able to create a hologram of himself, so he can be right there by his wife’s side.
Back in the boondocks, Max has realized just how dangerous Will has become, so has teamed up with the group who originally tried to kill him, the RIFT. Let bygones be bygones, right? I always forgive the people who try to kill me.
The RIFT are far far FAR off the grid so that Will can’t touch them. But the stronger Will gets, the less that will be the case. Everything is controlled by computers. Which means Will can use just about anything to mount a strike. Knowing this, Max and the RIFT put together an all-or-nothing offensive to take down Will’s stronghold. They know they’re only going to get one shot. And if they fail, humanity is doomed.
We were talking about set-pieces awhile back on Scriptshadow, how they need to be big and original. Transcendence showcases what this means with one of the cooler action scenes I’ve seen on the page. In it, the RIFT attack Will’s base. They utilize old cannons that can’t be controlled by computers. When the cannons shoot, the nanotech move towards the target area, creating a blockade. When some shells do get through, blowing parts of the building up, the nanotech quickly rebuild the damaged area. At the same time, Will’s men are being controlled by nanotech, allowing them to run at lightning speed, exhibiting feats at 100x an average man’s strength. So they’re throwing cars, bashing tanks. I could see that scene playing in the theater now. It would be AWESOME!
But what surprised me the most about Transcendence was that it was driven by a really heartfelt story – this broken love between Will and Evelyn. I loved the conflict going on within Evelyn, how she knew Will was going too far, and that the right thing was to shut him down, but she loved him too much to do that. Conflict within characters is always good!!!
But on top of that, Paglen created conflict BETWEEN the characters, specifically in that Max loved Evelyn. So his choices were never easy either. Was he telling Evelyn to shut down Will because Will was getting TOO dangerous? Or was he telling her to do it because he wanted Evelyn all to himself? These are the kind of nuanced character issues you want to be setting up in every script! Plot only interests a reader so much. It’s the people within that plot that truly draw us into a story. If those people don’t have anything interesting going on between each other, then who gives a shit?
We also talked about (in that set-piece article) putting things in your blockbuster script that producers can see in the trailers. Once characters started getting rigged with nanotech and had super-human abilities, shit just got cool. I can see how that’s going to look onscreen – them knocking around tanks and cars in the middle of the desert. It’s going to sell tickets. There’s no question about it.
The script also reminded me that a good writer can take his time getting into his blockbuster. Paglen doesn’t hit us with anything huge right away. He builds slowly. We do have things happening (assassinations and assassination attempts) but much of the first 40 pages is dedicated to Will being transferred into the computer and understanding his new powers. After that though, the script really builds (remember – a blockbuster must build!) in exactly the manner any big movie is supposed to.
The only reservations I have about the script are logic-related. Why didn’t the army come over and take down Will’s base? How was this huge thing allowed to be built up over so long a period of time without any interference? I know most of the army’s equipment is run by computers but you’d think they’d still TRY. The army doesn’t even make an appearance here, which I found to be a little strange.
In the end, Transcendence contains excellent execution, good characters, a heart at its center, and some great never-before-seen action scenes. Assuming Pfister’s direction is as strong as his cinematography, this should be a can’t miss film.
[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[xx] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Every idea, whether it be a character or a relationship or an action set-piece, has a known ceiling. This ceiling is where any average person would take it. Your job, as a writer, is to go beyond that ceiling, to the places the average person never would have thought of. That’s what makes you a writer, is that you see things other people don’t. So here, most writers would’ve placed Will in the computer and had him start screwing with the banks and using public cameras to follow his enemies (something very “Eagle Eye-ish”). That’s expected. You have to go beyond that. I believe the nanotech really brought this story to the next level. I wasn’t expecting it, and was surprised when it had such a strong impact on the story (and the action!).
NOTE: No newsletter went out this week – expect it this upcoming Friday! :)
This is your chance to discuss the week’s amateur scripts, offered originally in the Scriptshadow newsletter. The primary goal for this discussion is to find out which script(s) is the best candidate for a future Amateur Friday review. The secondary goal is to keep things positive in the comments with constructive criticism.
Below are the scripts up for review, along with the download links. Want to receive the scripts early? Head over to the Contact page, e-mail us, and “Opt In” to the newsletter.
Happy reading!
TITLE: Boom Box
GENRE: Adventure
LOGLINE: When his war-hero grandfather dies, a young man returns home to collect his inheritance — an audio cassette tape of old bedtime stories — but discovers the tape also holds a dark secret that a sinister group of agents wants back at any cost.
WHY YOU SHOULD READ: “Because fun, genuine adventure movies for kids and teenagers — without superheroes — are a rare thing these days and I want to mount a comeback. This one’s filled with action, humor, romance and intrigue, dastardly villains and honest heroes. It’s not perfect, but I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it (and re-writing it, and re-writing it), and I would love everyone’s help in making it even better.”
TITLE: The Milky Way
GENRE: Adventure / Fantasy
LOGLINE: When eight-year-old Oliver’s parents plane crashes, he becomes convinced they actually landed on the moon. With a little luck and the help of a friend he’s able to get to the moon, but can he find his parents before the Dark Side covers the whole moon and he’s stuck there forever???
WHY YOU SHOULD READ: “This is a two year labour of love. And it’s a lean mean 95 page reading machine.”
TITLE: The Tragic Life of Dexter Strange
GENRE: Dark Comedy
LOGLINE: A colorful but washed-up bad boy recounts his epic rise and fall in Hollywood on an online video blog.
WHY YOU SHOULD READ: “Imagine walking into Dylan’s Candy Bar in NYC and receiving a grab-bag of delicious wonderment– a daze of brilliantly colored candies in odd shapes, colors, and textures. In fact, when you first open the bag a pop of glitter explodes in your face. You suddenly get slapped on the back by Christopher Walken, then an adjacent clown blows a bull-horn in your left ear. You’re not quite sure what just happened, you don’t 100% understand… but you think you like it. That’s how reading this script feels.”
TITLE: DARK
GENRE: Drama
LOGLINE: A young man navigates the perils of youth after he is enlisted as protégé to a ruthless drug smuggler in 1970s Canada. Based on a true story.
WHY YOU SHOULD READ: “I received my first ‘payment’ for screenwriting for this work. 600$ cash as I was being whisked out of a truck, late for my flight at the Albuquerque International Sunport. This script took me from a frigid cannery in Alaska to dusty New Mexico, to meet a man I had never met about a story I was told would leave an indelible impact. I am now home in Oregon and have spent the past three months writing that story. I don’t know what to say other than that I risked everything for this script and I hope you enjoy. The journey to Amateur Friday has been arduous.”
TITLE: LION.pdf)
GENRE: ACTION THRILLER
LOGLINE: After being kidnapped and raised by African rebels, William Hughes is a fascination, a target and a madman when he is found by the American government 14 years later.
WHY YOU SHOULD READ: “LION got to be No 1 on the Blacklist 3.0 where it was also selected for the Warner Bros Blind Deal (out of thousands of other screenplays). Just recently, this script helped me secure representation at an established management company.”
Get Your Script Reviewed On Scriptshadow!: To submit your script for an Amateur Review, send in a PDF of your script, along with the title, genre, logline, and finally, something interesting about yourself and/or your script that you’d like us to post along with the script if reviewed. Use my submission address please: Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Remember that your script will be posted. If you’re nervous about the effects of a bad review, feel free to use an alias name and/or title. It’s a good idea to resubmit every couple of weeks so your submission stays near the top.
Genre: Animation
Premise (from writer): When a young canary discovers the true purpose of canaries in a 1930s coal mine, he teams with a boy miner to improve working conditions for birds and boys alike.
Why You Should Read (from writer): Canary in a Coal Mine is a Nicholl Fellowship semi-finalist and Austin Film Fest Second Rounder. It was discussed on John August’s ScriptNotes podcast as part of their 3-Page Challenge, and it’s garnered attention from Disney and Sony Animation. So it’s got that going for it, which is nice. — As for me, I’m a persistent writer who has submitted to ScriptShadow 8 or 9 times, but this is the first in 2014. I love the website and the scripts. However, I’ve noticed one thing missing — CANARY MINERS. You need canary miners wearing tiny helmet lamps and speaking Scranton lingo to be complete. Trust me.
Writer: Steven D’Arcangelo
Details: 108 pages
You’ve heard it here before. Don’t write an animation spec. Animation specs don’t sell. Well, they have sold, but at a rate of something like one every ten years.
Ya gotta wonder why that is. I heard once that animation studios don’t like to give all the fun away. If they’re going to spend five years making a movie, why hand the idea off to some schlub in Burbank when they can all come together and make one up themselves!
That never made sense to me though. Cause then why do other studios buy material? Why don’t they just “come up with it themselves” also? I guess because they’re responsible for more output. I don’t know.
But ya gotta think that despite the odds being waaaaaaay way way way against you, that if you did write an amazing animated spec, that someone would buy it. Because that’s the one rule that’s true across the board in Hollywood. I know some people will argue with me on that. But to me it’s obvious: If you write something great, no matter what it is, SOMEBODY will pick it up, because great material is hard to find.
But therein lies the catch. If you’re writing spec animation, “Good” isn’t good enough. “Really good” isn’t even good enough. It must be amazing. And those are some lofty goals to shoot for. Does Canary in a Coal Mine meet those goals? Or does it chirp and tweet its way to mediocrity?
“Canary” follows a young crooning canary named Cole in the rip-roaring year of 1937, a time where it seemed like every other town had a mine full of coal. Which is, in fact, relevant, as every coal mine needs itself some canaries.
We aren’t sure why this is at first, but Cole’s assumption is that all canaries sing wonderful happy tunes, tunes that keep coal miners upbeat and enjoying their jobs.
In the canary world, getting one of these coveted mine-spots, where you actually GO IN the mine and sing, is decided by a sort of Pigeon Idol, where you sing in front of a group of bird judges and they decide if you have the goods. And if you’re REALLY good, like GREAT, you graduate to the ultimate mine, a far off place known, angelically, as “Skyhaven.”
Cole doesn’t have to worry about Skyhaven though. Cause he can’t carry a tune to regurgitate his feathers. He’s stuck in the aviary with all the other “normal” canaries, watching the studs go off to work every day.
Until he gets curious. You see, Cole’s dad graduated to Skyhaven a long time ago. The problem is, none of the canaries have actually seen Skyhaven. Wanting to see his long-lost papa again, Cole heads outside the aviary, only to eventually stumble across the REAL Skyhaven (spoiler), which is a actually a graveyard!
Yes, the truth is, canaries are used to identify carbon monoxide in the mines. If they keep singing, that means that section of the mine is okay. If they stop, that means they’re dead! And the miners know not to go there. Cole rushes home to tell everyone in Canary Country the truth. But when they don’t believe him, he’s forced to save people on his own accord.
I’ll give Steven this, he wasn’t afraid to get dark. I admire that. If you’re going to invade this space, a space that’s nearly impossible to sell a script in, you gotta take some chances. And a dreary setting, some intense adult themes, and more canary deaths than you can shake your tailfeather at, is a fearless way to go about it.
But he probably went too dark. Here’s the thing. With any animated film, I think you SHOULD go dark. The animated films that resonate the most typically go there, dating all the way back to Bambi. The threat of death, the most final of finalities, ups the stakes of the story. Because if we know someone can die, then nobody is safe. And there’s something that works even better with that in an animated setting for some reason. Cause animated movies, with their cuddly characters and bountiful colors, are supposed to be safe. That juxtaposition makes them feel harsher for some reason. So I believe Steven probably made the right call there.
But when you write, you gotta know your audience, and with the key demo being kids here, I don’t see snuffing out the lives of a bunch of canaries, singing their cute little songs until they can’t breath anymore, resulting in kids leaving the theater asking about a sequel. It’s a tad morbid.
Also with these animated movies, since they always involve animals, you have to come up with universal rules on how the animals communicate with each other, and if they can communicate with humans. If the rules aren’t clear, the audience gets frustrated. I remember this was a problem with Jerry Seinfeld’s “Bee Movie” a few years back. In that universe, bees could apparently talk to humans. That didn’t fly well with a lot of viewers. So if you introduce an unbelievable rule, you can kill the suspension of disbelief, which has repercussions throughout the script (once you stop believing, it’s hard to stay invested).
Here, Cole could communicate with the young boy who takes care of the birds. They talked to each other in English. But the birds couldn’t talk to the adult miners for some reason. I guess kids have a “special” level of intuitiveness that makes this somewhat believable, but it was hard to buy at face value. Something felt a little off about it.
Finally, the second act didn’t pack enough punch for me. Everything else being equal, you keep readers reading with a good plot. Which means your plot points have to be interesting. (spoiler) Skyhaven being a graveyard wasn’t a big enough plot point for me. We all knew something like that was probably coming, so the 25 pages that surrounded that plot point felt kind of obvious. It wasn’t until we realize that canaries we know are in danger of dying in the mines that the script ramps up. And unfortunately that happens really late.
If I were Steven, I’d try to get to that part of the story sooner. The sooner we know the canaries are in danger of dying, the sooner we can introduce a goal, a ticking time bomb, and all of that. So say we set up that the miners are going to a new part of the mine, the deepest part of it yet, a tunnel that’s been closed for 20 years because of how dangerous it was (but they need more output – so the evil owner sends them down there). There are tons of carbon monoxide pockets in there. They will need almost all the canaries. Many many canaries are going to die. And Cole has to stop it all somehow, despite the fact that nobody believes him. If we got to that sooner, the narrative would be a lot simpler, and the second act wouldn’t feel so janky.
There’s definitely SOMETHING here and Steven is a good writer for sure. That was almost enough for a “worth the read” (it was super-close) but the tone going too dark and a slow-going unfocused second act kept this from meeting its potential.
Script link: Canary in a Coal Mine
[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Sometimes we believe our reveals are better than they actually are, and waste too much time building them up. Since the audience already knows what to expect, the reveal (i.e. Skyhaven being a graveyard) doesn’t hit with the intended force, and the reader’s frustrated because he spent the last 20 pages prepping for a twist that he already knew about. If you have a big reveal, make sure it truly is a) BIG and b) unexpected. That may mean being more original, it may mean hiding the reveal better, or it may mean throwing in a few red herrings. But if I know a specific twist is coming 20 pages before it happens, the story is in trouble.
One of the best things to happen to the screenwriting community was this info-graphic. An industry reader read 300 scripts and tracked very specific data on all of them, which allowed him to create a breakdown of all the faults he found. Yeah yeah, that’s kind of depressing. But it’s also helpful! Because guess what? I see these exact same things all the time too and I just say, “Ahhhhhh! Why can’t writers NOT DO these things??” If they understood these pitfalls, screenplays across the world would be so much better. Of course, everybody’s in a different place and we’re all learning at different rates, so yeah, I guess you have to take that into account. But not after today fellas and gals. After today, you are NOT going to be making these mistakes ANY MORE. So, here’s our mystery infographic maker’s TOP 5 mistakes he encountered while reading 300 screenplays, along with my own precious surefire ways to avoid making those mistakes yourselves.
BIGGEST PROBLEM – “The story begins too late in the script.”
(69 scripts out of 300)
Oh my gosh golly loggins, yes, yes AND YES AGAIN. This is SUCH a huge problem in amateur scripts. It’s the radiation poisoning of script killers. What I mean by that is it’s a slow painful way to kill off a script, as the story keeps going, and going, and going, and nothing resembling a story is emerging. This usually happens for a couple of reasons. First, writers can get lost in setting up their characters and world. Sure, setting that stuff up is important, but if you’re not careful, 30 pages have gone by and all you’ve done is set everything up! You haven’t actually introduced a plot. Also, new writers, in particular, use three or four scenes to make a point, whereas pros know to make the point in one. Readers don’t need to be repeatedly told things to get them. Yes, Mr and Mrs. Johnson are having marital problems. But showing four separate fight scenes to get that point across is kinda overkill, don’t ya think?
THE FIX
The first act is the easiest act to structure and, therefore, one you should structure. Somewhere between pages 1 and 15, give us an inciting incident. That means throw something at your main character that shakes his life up and forces him to act. I was just watching the most indie of indie films, “Robot and Frank,” about an old man losing his senses, and his son gets him a robot to take care of him. Guess when the robot shows up? Within the first 12 minutes! So even in an indie movie about old people, the story is STARTING RIGHT AWAY. If they’re doing it, so should you!
SECOND BIGGEST PROBLEM – “The scenes are void of meaningful conflict.”
57 out of 300 scripts
It personally took me a long time to figure this out. “Oh wait,” I realized when I used to spend 72 hour shifts plastered on my laptop screen, “you mean two characters sitting around and talking about life isn’t interesting??” Or a series of scenes with my main character enjoying life could become boring to someone?? It wasn’t until I realized that every single scene needed to have conflict on SOME LEVEL that I truly understood what “drama” meant. Every single scene needs drama, and you can’t have drama without conflict.
THE FIX
Whenever you write a scene, you need to ask yourself, “Where’s the conflict here?” If there isn’t any, add some. I’m going to help you out. Two of the most powerful forms of conflict you can draw on are over-the-table and under-the-table. Over the table is more obvious. Think of two characters confronting each other, a girlfriend who’s just found out her boyfriend has cheated on her. She storms into his apartment and starts yelling at him. They fight it out. Assuming we’re interested in the characters and you’ve set this moment up, it should be a good scene. The far more interesting conflict to use, however, is under-the-table. This is when characters are pushing and pulling at each other, but underneath the surface. For example, let’s say this same girl comes home, but instead of telling her boyfriend what she knows, she acts like everything’s fine. They have dinner, and she slowly starts asking questions. They seem innocent (“What did you do yesterday? Can I use your phone to call a friend?”) when, in actuality, she’s trying to get her boyfriend to admit his guilt, or catch him in his lies. Of the two options, under-the-table conflict is always more fun, but as long as there’s SOME conflict in the scene, you’re good (note, there are other forms of conflict you can use. These are just two options!).
THIRD BIGGEST PROBLEM – “The script has a by-the-numbers execution.”
53 out of 300 scripts
Has someone been spending too much time trying to fit their story into Blake Snyder’s beat sheet? Have you become so obsessed with The Hero’s Journey that you’re starting to pattern your breakfast after it? We were just talking about this yesterday with The Lego Movie script. If you follow formula too closely, it becomes extremely hard for your script to stand out. When I see this, it’s almost always coupled with a boring writing style. The combination leaves the script with no unique identifying value. It is the “anti-voice” script, the equivalent of one of those knock-off Katy Perry songs. The writers most susceptible to this actually are NOT new writers, but writers on their 4th or 5th script. That’s because new writers don’t know about rules yet. It’s the writers who are starting to put in the work and learn how to tell a good story, who then follow the advice a little too literally.
THE FIX
You have to break a few rules. Your script will never stick out unless you take some chances. And actually, the rules you break define your script. For example, using an unlikable protagonist. It goes against conventional wisdom, but if you have a good reason for it and it works for the story, then take the chance. The most susceptible writers to this kind of mistake are SCARED writers. Writers who fear taking chances. They want to play with their story in their safe little bubble. I say surprise yourself every once in awhile. Try something with a plot point you never would’ve normally done. See where it takes you. If you’re surprised, there’s a good chance the audience will be too. And if this is a serial problem for you (everyone’s always telling you your scripts is very “by-the-numbers”), I suggest writing an entire script that’s completely weird and totally different from anything you’ve done before. Tell a story like 500 Days of Summer, where you’re jumping around in time, or Drive, where you’re crafting the story with actions as opposed to dialogue. You’re not going to grow unless you take chances.
FOURTH BIGGEST PROBLEM (tie) – “The story is too thin.”
53 out of 300 scripts
This is usually a problem that begins at the concept stage. Someone picks an idea that doesn’t have enough meat in it. Sofia Coppola’s “Somewhere” is a good example of this. “A guy spends time with his daughter.” When there’s not enough meat, there isn’t enough for your characters to do, and so long stretches of the script go by where nothing happens. Since you’re not a writer-director like Sofia and therefore don’t have funding to make these movies, your scripts can’t afford this pitfall. What it really comes down to is an absence of plot points, the major pillars in your scripts that slightly change the story or the circumstances surrounding your characters, sending it in a different direction.
THE FIX
First, make sure your concept packs a lot of story opportunities. A script like Inception – where teams of people are travelling inside minds – there’s ample opportunity to cram a ton of story into those 120 pages. Also, keep your plot points close together. Something that changes the story slightly or keeps it charging forward should be happening every 10 to 15 pages. So let’s say you’re writing a script about a guy who wins the lottery. On page 20, his ex-girlfriend who dumped him may show up at his door. On page 32, he finds out he’s being sued by someone who says he stole the lottery ticket from him. On page 46, he gets robbed coming out of the bar. Make sure things keep happening consistently during the script to avoid the “thin” tag.
FIFTH BIGGEST PROBLEM – “The villains are cartoonish, evil for-the-sake-of-evil.”
51 out of 300 scripts
This is almost exclusively a beginner mistake. Beginners remember their favorite villains as being over-the-top and quirky in one particular area (an accent, an eye-patch) and think, “Perfect! That’s all I need to do for my villains too!” So they only focus on how the villain acts on the OUTSIDE as opposed to what’s going on on the inside.
THE FIX
With villains, you have to start on the inside. I KNOW people hate doing all this work, but I’d strongly suggest busting out a new Word Doc and writing down as much as possible about your villain. Find out where he grew up, what his childhood was like (was he bullied? Abused? Ignored? Alone? A victim of affluenza?) Any of these could explain why he became the way he did. The more you know about your villain, the less cliché he’s going to be. And remember, the villain always believes he’s the hero. He truly believes in his cause. One of the easiest ways to lead your villain to the cliché troth is to assume he knows he’s bad and loves it. Villains are much more horrifying when, like Hitler, they actually believe what they’re doing is right.
Genre: Family Film
Premise: A young man in the Lego universe learns that an evil villain plans to glue all of Legoland together, thus stripping future Lego generations of the ability to create stuff.
About: These writers worked in TV for a good 8 years before getting their first big feature break, which was Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. That TV work consisted of shows like How I Met Your Mother and Clone High. They also directed 21 and 22 Jump Street. And are directing this movie! Slash Film asked the Lego writers a good question. How much of this was you guys writing a story and how much was it Lego pushing a product and wanting to sell toys? Chris Miller gives a great answer: “Well, we were very clear up front that the only way this movie was gonna succeed was if it didn’t come from the top down. It didn’t feel like it was a corporate commercial. It didn’t feel like Lego was saying, “We wanna sell these toys, tell a story around them.” It had to feel like it was coming from outside the company. It was filmmaker and story driven and that it was using Lego as a medium. Now obviously, you know, they’re gonna wanna sell toys based on the movie. And we said, obviously if we’re making something that doesn’t have cool vehicles in it and interesting characters, then we’re not doing our job anyway. We’re not gonna make a Lego movie that isn’t about cool Lego stuff. And we went to Denmark to visit and see the type of things that they make there and it definitely inspired us from what Lego’s core values are about and the type of things. But we were thankfully not in a situation where they were dictating anything to us as far as what we were doing. And sort of reacted to the things we made and thought “Oh yeah, we can sell toys based on this, this and this.” You can read more of the interview over on Slash Film.
Writers: Chris Miller & Phil Lord
Details: 110 pages (2010 draft)
I feel left out of the joke. Everyone I run into is like, “Oh my God! Oh my God! Lego movie!” I see these reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, which are like, “Lego Movie makes Toy Story look like Movie 43!” By and large, everyone thinks this flick is going to be awesome. Don’t get me wrong. Legos are cool. But are people really THAT into this??
When I watch the trailer, it looks like one of those “everything and the kitchen sink” trailers. I guess that makes sense because it’s the Lego universe and the Lego universe encompasses… well, all of pop culture (I’m sure there’s a Kim Kardashian lego figure available somewhere – probably in Japan), but it looks like sensory overload to me.
Still, I got to thinking and realized we don’t cover the family film genre here on Scriptshadow much, and because it’s such a huge piece of the Hollywood meal plan (read – studios pay lots of money for people to write these things), it wouldn’t be a bad idea to dissect how they’re written. Not only that, but after reading the Lego script, I learned something HUGE about how to pitch assignments. So you’re definitely going to want to stick around for that!
Emmet lives in Legoland. This is a very structured city where everything is the same. People follow rules. They do things by the book. And most importantly, they’re NEVER CREATIVE!
Unfortunately, the 22 year-old Emmet (who lives with his mom), doesn’t operate that way. Emmet is different. He’s creative. He LIKES to step out of the norm and do silly things every once in awhile. At the same time, he’s ashamed of it. Emmet wishes he could live the easy life and be like everyone else. He wants to be your normal average predictable person.
As Emmet tries to come to terms with all this, his mother is kidnapped by the evil overseer of Legoland, Black Falcon! And his ex-girlfriend, Lucy, who now happens to be a superhero, drops in and tells him that they have to get her back. You see, Emmet’s mom is the chosen one, the one who’s going to save Legoland from becoming boring and stagnant forever!
This requires recruiting a bunch of the masterbuilders and taking Black Falcon down. So Emmet and Lucy get a pirate named Neckbeard (who’s just a lego head – and Lucy’s current boyfriend), Batman (of course), a space lego man named “Benny the Spaceman,” and a half-retarded lego-creature named Duplo.
What they find out is that Black Falcon is planning on using the “Kragle” (which turns out to be short for “Krazy Glue”) to permanently GLUE all of Legoland together forever! So that no one can ever take legos apart and put them back together creatively! Everything will always be boring and the same. Noooooo!!! Measly Emmet will have to find the strength within to defeat this mad Lego… creature. And save Lego-mania forever!
So, is it true? Do we have the next Toy Story on our hands? Well, granted this is not the final draft (I saw Wonder Woman in the trailer, and she isn’t in the script), but it’s safe to say, no it is not.
Whereas Toy Story is a meticulously crafted screenplay that marries character, story and theme seamlessly in every minute of its running time, The Lego Movie feels more like one giant ride of cute. Actually, it’s almost identical to Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs in that sense. It’s not amazing. But it’s just really really cute.
Halfway through the read, Miss SS turned to me and said, “Isn’t… that movie supposed to be funny?” “Huh?” I asked. “Isn’t the Lego movie supposed to be funny? I haven’t seen you laugh.” And that made me laugh. And then I realized that the first time I had laughed since I started the screenplay was in reference to something outside the screenplay. And that wasn’t good.
I think with these really big family tentpole scripts, you’re basically trying to write the best Screenplay 101 script you can. It’s a family film, so it’s not about taking chances. The key demo isn’t going to be upset if your midpoint shift isn’t that original. The studios want Blake Snyder beat sheets for these films, and your job is to be as inventive as you can within that “beat sheet” framework.
And I think Chris and Phil do a good job. This is straight down the middle, 3-Act, unabashed Hero’s Journey stuff from start to finish. You have Emmet, who’s “different” because he likes to be creative. He doesn’t fit in (quick note: main characters who “don’t fit in” are used effectively in 7 out of 10 animated/family movies). His world is thrown into disarray when his mother is kidnapped. Emmet must join forces with an old girlfriend (unresolved relationship that leads to lots of conflict during journey!), face tons of obstacles, and, in the end, find the strength/belief within himself to defeat the evil villain.
We have clear goals/stakes/urgency (stop the villain/world will be super-glued together if you don’t/only hours left before the villain enacts his plan). It’s all laid out how you’d expect it to be. Which was why I was never all in. I think you guys believe that I’m about following rules all the time. Not true. You follow rules MOST of the time, then break them strategically in certain spots, in ways that will separate your script from everything else out there. If you follow EVERY rule, your script is going to be predictable and (probably) boring.
As far as how to write these specific TYPES of films, you’re always looking for your hook, then exploiting that hook as much as possible. Here, the hook is the legos, obviously. What makes legos different? Creativity, right? That you can turn them into anything your imagination can think up. So there are a lot of fun little moments where lego vehicles crash. All the legos get scattered, and the characters quickly rebuild the pieces into, say, a helicopter, then fly away. There was a lot of that.
But the creativity kind of stopped there. Seeing things leap in the air, then be turned into something else – that’s cool the first couple of times. Then it becomes “been there done that.” Then there was the story, which, while well-executed, never got past the amusing stage (at least for me). It was fun. But never rip-roaring funny. It was exciting, but never “Holy shit! I’ve never seen that before!” And I think if you have a lego movie, you should see some things you’ve never seen before. Who knows, maybe they’ll have added this in the final cut. It just wasn’t here in this draft.
Amusing. But could’ve been better!
[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: I learned a big one today. Now I have no idea IF this is how the writers got the job, but remember, when you’re a writer, you’re basically rushing around town, trying to win the big assignments, the movies that are going to pay out 7 figures, movies like Legos. And I think I know how today’s writer-directors’ pitch won them the job. If you really want to impress producers, find out what their property is REALLY ABOUT, then pitch a STRONG THEME that explores that aspect. So think about it. What are legos really about? They’re about “creating,” right? They’re about building something completely crazy out of your own imagination. So our writers pitched a movie of a lego world that didn’t allow creativity, that didn’t allow the very thing that legos represent! Our main character, then, was secretly the only creative person in the city. He was an outcast. And he must go on a journey to free the people from this structured boring life. This pitch had a theme that explored the core of what legos represent! So the next time you get coveted to pitch one of the big assignments, find out what the property is about, and pitch a story with a strong theme that explores it!
