Genre: Dark Comedy
Hey, what do you know? More serial killers! These delightful little rascals are dark comedy gold, which is why they never stray too far from a slugline.
Problem is most writers think that their character being a serial killer is enough. As if that alone will capture our imagination. Nope. Fraid not. Just like any subject matter, serial killers need a fresh take. And today we get that fresh take. Sealed up in a giant zip-lock bag. Along with kittens. And anal fisting (more on that in a bit).
Yesterday I complained that serial killer spec “Crimson Road” made too many safe choices, taking what should’ve been an exciting premise and boiling it down to a generic version of Scream. If you’re going to tackle something as ubiquitous as serial killers, you need to give us more than that. You need to treat the idea in a unique way. When I pointed that out, I told everyone to tune into today’s review to see what I meant.
Fatties will offend a great portion of the people who read it. But one thing you can’t say about Fatties is that it’s predictable. Or obvious. Or generic. Imagine reading the same stories over and over and over again. That’s my life. So when a writer has the balls to try something different, it ALWAYS stands out. And I’m happy to have finally found a Twit-Pitch script that stands out.
Kathy and Linda are large and in-charge lesbian lovers. Actually, Kathy’s the one who’s in charge. She’s the one tipping the scales at 400, and she uses every one of those ounces to get what she wants. Poor Linda, who’s a comparatively slight 300, basically spends her days making Kathy happy any way she can – usually sexually. If the image of 700 pounds of naked flesh rolling around in a bed accompanied by phrases such as, “Yeah, that’s how momma likes it” terrifies you, you probably don’t want to read Fatties. Because there’s plenty of that. Way too plenty!
Oh yeah, Kathy and Linda are also serial killers. When we meet them, they have a cheerleader tied up in the basement. As you’d expect, this is mainly Kathy’s idea. Linda goes along with it because she’s terrified of making Kathy angry. She remembers what it was like before Kathy came along – how lonely she was – and if she has to support her lover’s little killing habit to keep her happy, well, it’s a small price to pay.
Unfortunately, Linda’s kindness allows the cheerleader to escape. But before she can get very far, Kathy pops out of nowhere and chops the bitch’s head off. The killing happens way sooner than Kathy would’ve wanted, and that means finding a new piece of meat to torture. Kathy turns to the Craig’s List personals where she finds a man in search of a large woman.
Enter Gary – the single nicest guy in the world. Gary’s skinny, wiry, and has a lot of the same problems these women have – mainly that he’s an outcast. Nobody pays attention to him. Nobody gives a shit about him. If he can just find someone – anyone – to talk to, he’ll be happy. So when he puts up a personals ad looking for a large woman (to cuddle with – Gary loves cuddling), he’s thrilled to get an e-mail back from a COUPLE. Two big and beautifuls for the price of one. Jackpot!
Gary heads over to meet the couple and is instantly smitten. Of course, Gary would be smitten with a wireless router if it showed interest but still. He really likes these chicks. Which is a bit of surprise to them since nobody likes them. But while Gary is looking for something more…emotional, Kathy is looking for something more… sexual.
She takes Gary home that night and completely degrades him, first by sitting on his face and second by…sitting on his face some more. She has no interest in giving Gary any pleasure in return. She just wants to treat him like the trash she believes he is. The problem is…Gary likes it. In fact, he LOVES it. This infuriates Kathy so much that she starts slapping Gary while forcing him into repeated acts of sexual depravity. But Gary likes it. So she starts beating the crap out of him. But Gary likes it. Gary is like the Life Cereal Mikey of subservient sex. No matter how many shades of gray Kathy throws at him, Gary likes it.
She finally stuffs him in their basement of torture, tells him he’s going to be their slave, and that at some point in the near future, they’re going to kill him. But Gary likes it. Humph. Kathy is at a loss as to what to do. She’s not used to any of her victims liking anything she does.
Now during these slave sessions, it’s Linda’s job to come down and feed the captors. Normally, Kathy’s able to control Linda – reminding her that these aren’t really people but rather playthings for their amusement. But Gary is just so darn earnest that Linda starts to like him. She begins to realize that the real enemy here is Kathy, who’s taken advantage of her loneliness all these years to essentially make her a “slave with benefits.” Once Linda gets this in her head, she starts planning an escape with Gary. Except Kathy’s no dummy. She figures it out and her plan to kill Gary turns into a plan to kill Gary AND Linda. Will Linda figure this out in time? Will her and Gary be able to escape? And how will Gary fend Kathy off with only one arm (more on that in a sec)? Fatties offers all these wonderful answers and more. Much MUCH more.
Did Fatties make me sick? Yeah. Did Fatties make me want to hurl several times? Yeah. But did Fatties make me want to keep reading? Yeah. And in the end, that’s all that matters. If the reader wants to keep reading, you’re doing your job.
But the reason this script stands above all the other Twit-Pitch entries (so far) is that it makes unique choices. Focusing the script around a large lesbian couple? Never seen that before. Making them serial killers and having them keep a wiry mustached chubby chaser as a sex slave? Never seen that before. A killer amputating a character’s arm and then using it to anally fist him, all shown lovingly via a shadow on the wall? Never seen that before.
But if this script were ONLY about the shock value, I wouldn’t have given a shit. What Matt does here is he actually creates characters. He actually incorporates theme! This script is about loneliness, and the depths humans will go to to avoid it. For some it’s being with a person they hate, if only because it’s someone to lay their head down next to at the end of the day. For others it’s allowing yourself to be murdered, if only so you don’t have to die alone. I mean, it’s freaking sad but you *do* sympathize with these characters because they’re experiencing real-life relatable problems. You feel their pain and care for them. Which is why, even though they’re being anally fisted with their own decapitated arms, you still want to see what happens next.
If I have a complaint about Fatties, it’s that Kathy was a wee bit over-the-top. And when I say “wee bit” I mean Mach 50 completely out of control batshit Gorilla-scary insane. I mean at one point when her and Linda need money, they pop by an ATM and Kathy stabs a dude to death and steals his cash. I know this isn’t reality, but come on. She’d be a little more careful than that seeing as she regularly keeps future murder victims in her basement. Matt did such a good job bringing out the humanity in Linda and Gary. Maybe a pass focusing on Kathy’s past and her own humanity will add some depth to the character so she’s not so dependent on shocking actions.
This script is weird. This script is disturbing. But I’d rather have weird and disturbing over “predictable” any day.
Genre: Dark Comedy/Horror
Writers: Anothony Filangeri
Just like that first president of ours, I cannot tell a lie. This whole Twit-Pitch thing? I’m starting to have my doubts. We all know what happened on the last Twit-Pitch script I reviewed, and it only got worse when I went back through the finalists e-mails while looking for four scripts to review this week. I thought I’d be opening e-mails with scripts attached. Instead, I received four e-mails that basically said this: “Hi, err, um, Carson. So I was thinking about my script and I realized that, um, I have a job, and because of my job, I can’t finish my script in time, for, um, the deadline? So I’m probably not going to enter. I hope that’s okay and you’re not upset.”
*sigh*
I knew this would be an experiment. I said so at the beginning. But this is still an amazing opportunity for unknown writers to get noticed and nobody seems to be taking it seriously. I know I could go back through the Top 100 and find replacements for these entries, but I’m probably not going to. It’s hard to drum up enthusiasm for people who don’t take this profession seriously.
With all that said, I *have* read the first Twit-Pitch screenplay that’s given me hope. Unfortunately, you’re going to have to wait until tomorrow for that. Today’s script, Crimson Road, doesn’t quite live up to its premise. However, today’s and tomorrow’s scripts are a great contrast in what a writer must do to rope in a reader. Whereas tomorrow’s entry takes some hardcore chances, Crimson plays its inspired premise surprisingly safe. Let’s check it out.
17 year-old Jill Harris has just been released back into the wild after spending a couple of years in the looney bin. Which is why no one believes her when, on one of her first nights back, she sees a man chasing a girl through the woods. Even her former boyfriend, Stu, and her Deputy big brother, Hunter, give Jill the “Uh huh, we totally believe you” spiel.
But Jill isn’t giving up so easily. She’s going to prove she’s not the wacko everyone thinks she is. So she jaunts over to Crimson Road, a block full of houses plucked out of a Norman Rockwell painting, and targets the one unkempt house on the block. It’s here where she pops open a trash can and finds the bloodied shirt of the girl she saw in the woods!
The cops race in and arrest the house owner and it’s looking like the case is solved. But not so fast. The police receive a DVD of an old man in a basement getting tortured! Have they captured their killer or not?? And if that isn’t bad enough, Jill’s Uncle Fred, who molested her when she was a child, just got out of jail and moved onto Crimson Road, stirring up all sorts of bad memories in the community.
We eventually come to learn that this block is a community of serial killers who have a set of rules they abide by to ensure never getting caught. But when Jill begins relentlessly looking into them, they realize that in order to keep their secret, they’re going to have to kill her AND her friends. Although Uncle Fred seems to be the ringleader, a calculated Anthony Perkins type named Ethan is the go-to killer when big jobs need to get done. So that’s who they set loose on Jill. Will she survive? Will anyone survive? That’s a question that will continue to be asked as long as there’s a Crimson Road.
I think Crimson Road wants to be Scream. Not so much in the self-referential way. But it wants to be smart and funny while at the same time conveying a sense of danger for its characters. The thing is, at least with how it’s constructed now, it’s neither smart nor funny. Why do I say this? Well, the area that’s really going to set you apart in these categories is dialogue, and the dialogue here is painfully standard.
Whenever anybody talks to anyone in Crimson Road, it’s the most straightforward conversation you can imagine. People say EXACTLY what they’re thinking all the time, making for one boring on-the-nose scene after another. For example, I don’t remember a single character uttering a single sarcastic line in Crimson Road. And this is about high school kids! Sarcasm is their second language!
Here’s a conversation between Jill’s friend Michelle and her ex-boyfriend, Stu. MICHELLE: “So. Who do you believe?” STU: “Her parents. I think.” “Do you think she is lying?” “But that is just it. It isn’t like she is aware it’s a lie. Her dad thinks the medication she’s on somehow screws with her head.” “We don’t know if it didn’t happen. What she said a few years back definitely happened, did it not?” “And last week? You believe someone tried to run her off the road? I get it, lightning sometimes strikes. It did earlier in her life. Several times –” “–so why couldn’t it strike again last week? Or last night?” “Maybe last night did happen. But what are we supposed to do? Believe there’s some psychopath in town?” “(remembering) Shit…I forgot. Her and I are supposed to walk to school together. What do I say?” “Oh. When’s she gonna be here?” “Any minute now.” “I should probably get going then.”
Not only does this not sound like two teenagers talking, it doesn’t sound like two people talking. This is a writer trying to convey information to the reader through two people talking and that’s it. There’s no nuance, no naturalism, no flavor. Now let’s listen to a conversation between two teenagers in Scream. Notice the huge difference…
TATUM: “Do you believe this shit?” SIDNEY: “What happened?” “Oh God! You don’t know? Casey Becker and Steve Forrest were killed last night.” “No way.” “And not just killed, Sid. We’re talking splatter movie killed–split open end to end.” “Casey Becker? She sits next to me in English.” “Not anymore. Her parents found her hanging from a tree. Her insides on the outside.” “Do they know who did it?” “Fucking clueless–they’re interrogating the entire school. Teachers, students, staff, janitors…” “They think it’s school-related?” “They don’t know. Dewey said this is the worst crime they’ve ever seen. Even worse than…(stopping herself) Well it’s bad.”
Notice how much more fun this dialogue is! Notice how much more flavor it has! “We’re talking splatter-movie killed.” “Her insides on the outside.” “Fucking clueless.” “She sits next to me in English.” “Not anymore.” As a writer, one of your jobs after you get the logistics of the dialogue down is to add flavor to it. It doesn’t feel like Anthony ever did that. He just got the relevant information down and stopped there. Now granted dialogue must be catered to the type of story you’re telling and the types of characters speaking it. But I know this – there isn’t any situation where teenagers speak like robots. “Do you think she is lying?” should at the very least have a contraction: “Do you think she’s lying?”
On top of this, there’s zero subtext. And subtext is what makes dialogue fun! Characters need to be in situations where they’re saying one thing but meaning another. They have to be in situations where we know they’re hiding something from the person they’re talking to.
Take the above scene for example. Stu used to be Jill’s boyfriend before she went to the looney bin. But it appears that Stu’s now with Jill’s best friend Michelle and neither of them have told Jill yet. Okay, that’s a perfect set-up for subtext! Stu’s over at Michelle’s house and Jill shows up unexpectedly. Michelle and Stu freak out as she’s coming up the stairs and she pushes Stu into the closet. Jill pops in and now you have a conversation between Michelle and Jill. You could have Jill confide in Michelle that she misses Stu but doesn’t know how he feels. Blah blah blah. You get the idea. A fun scene! Instead, Anthony has Stu leave right before Jill shows up. Boring!
Dialogue was just one element of this script that needed work. I thought the choices here were way too safe and Jill’s investigation was way too simplistic. A solid attempt was made at giving Jill a backstory with her molesting uncle, but it felt mega-forced. I mean how is it that Uncle Fred has gotten out of jail and moved back into town and nobody from the family knows about it?? There’s just no way that happens.
But I wouldn’t worry about that for now. If I were Anthony, I would focus this next draft on dialogue. Learn to have more fun with it, to let the characters go instead of making their conversations so stilted and on the nose. Learn to incorporate subtext as well to juice things up. As for what I mean about the choices being too “safe,” tune in tomorrow and I’ll show you a script that does anything but make safe choices. You’ll be able to see the difference. Until then, what did you think of Crimson Road?
What I Learned: After you’ve come up with your premise, try to put your hero as CLOSE AS POSSIBLE TO DANGER in regards to that premise. For example, if you’re writing a story about the attack on Pearl Harbor, you probably don’t want to focus on a character in Montana whose brother is stationed in Hawaii. You want to focus on the brother stationed in Hawaii! And you want to put him on one of the ships that’s attacked! Same thing here. I thought this script would have been a lot better if Jill lived on Crimson Road herself, and slowly began to realize that her father was one of the serial killers (or maybe even her mother!).
Genre: Superhero
Premise: (from IMDB) Eight years on, a new terrorist leader, Bane, overwhelms Gotham’s finest, and the Dark Knight resurfaces to protect a city that has branded him an enemy.
About: The final film in Nolan’s Dark Knight trilogy. Last year, I did a “Nolan Theme Week,” breaking down Inception, Memento, The Prestige, and Batman Begins. I also had Roger break down The Dark Knight. Check out those reviews for my feelings on Nolan’s writing.
Writers: Jonathan and Christopher Nolan (story by Christopher Nolan and David Goyer) (characters by Bob Kane)
Details: 164 minutes
I’m just going to say it: Nolan, you’re getting sloppy.
And who can blame the guy really? Nolan didn’t want to make this film. At least that’s what I derived from his interviews after The Dark Knight. However these days, you can’t just make two of a franchise. That word “trilogy” has changed all that. Once that word became popularized there was no such thing as a sequel without another sequel. And hence we have The Dark Knight Rises.
Why is this important? Because when you’re not 100% passionate about something, it shows. And Nolan’s lack of passion is on display here. I mean, how do you follow up one of the Top 5 villains in cinema history? Sure, you try your best. But deep down you know you’re not going to top The Joker. It’s like trying to get yourself up for the Cincinnati Open after you’ve won Wimbledon.
Now, to Nolan’s credit, he doesn’t go all George Lucas on us. He doesn’t bust out one draft and say “This is it.” But there’s no question what we see in this Batman entry could’ve benefitted from another draft or five. The Dark Knight Rises has occasional high points, but as a screenplay, it’s an occupational hazard.
“Rises” starts off eight years after “Knight” with our favorite billionaire hobbled by a bad leg and a really long game of hide and seek. No one’s seen Bruce Wayne OR Batman in all this time and a lot of that has to do with Batman being blamed for Harvey Dent’s murder. Commissioner Gordon knows the truth, of course, but for whatever reason (read: story convenience) he keeps it to himself.
Batman’s absence allows Scottish misfit and air filtration advocate Bane (who operates in the sewers of Gotham) to pick up where the Joker left off and make a play for the city, first through its finances, then through a football game with two pretend teams, and finally via a nuclear bomb. After blowing up all the bridges to Gotham, he lets the world know that if so much as a shoe from the good guys reaches his city, he’s blowing it sky-high.
He can do this because he’s already taken out a hobbled Batman, sending him back to the prison cave he himself spent the majority of his life in, and is the only person to have escaped from. This giant hole then becomes a test for Batman to “get his mojo back,” as he must climb up an impossibly high cave cliff to get out, and gosh darnnit if the final jump to freedom isn’t Matrix-like difficult. Now if I were Bane, I probably would’ve, you know, KILLED Batman jusssst innnn caaaase he turned out to be the SECOND person to escape the cave. But where’s the fun in that?
As you’d expect, Batman gets out of the prison to the excited chants of his fellow inmates, who he’s since become BFFs with, and races back to Gotham just in time to save the day! Or does he? Turns out Batty Bruce will have to make a choice involving saving Gotham or saving himself. And since we know how cool of a guy Batman is, it’s looking like our winged crusader ain’t going to be saving himself. Does that mean The Batman dies? Well if Batman’s armor can’t even stop a kitchen knife from puncturing it, I doubt it can stop a nuclear bomb. But who knows? Stranger things have happened.
The Dark Knight is big and grand and epic and annoyingly confusing. I mean, I understood the broad strokes of the plot, but that was it. The rest of the script was as muddled as a first grader’s recollection of his day.
One of my big problems with Inception, as you all know, was the 16 hours of exposition needed before we got to the actual story. Nolan makes a similar mistake here, but with character introductions instead of exposition. We have four key characters introduced, only one of which I had even the vaguest understanding of what he wanted, that being Bane. And to be honest, I’m even a little unclear on him. Bane wanted to take over Gotham because…..because why again? Because he wears a mask? Because he’s bad? Because bad people do bad things?
Who knows? But hey, as Batman fans are quick to point out, The Joker didn’t exactly have a solid motivation either. He made life miserable for The Batman because he’s twisted and sick and has nothing better to do. And that seemed to work. However, the Joker was incredibly charismatic – impossible to look away from – which covered up a lot of his plot-related shortcomings. Bane just wears a mask. A cool mask – don’t get me wrong – but that’s all I remember about the guy. That and he sounded exactly like Sean Connery.
That brings us to our other three characters – Cat Woman, Sleuthy McSleuthems, and Marion Cotillard. I still have absolutely zero understanding of what any of these characters had to do with the story. The sad thing was that Cat Woman was probably the most memorable character in the film. She was the only one with energy, the only one who brought life to scenes. But if you took her character out, the movie would be EXACTLY THE SAME. That’s Screenwriting 101 there. If a character isn’t needed to tell the story, get rid of them.
That leads us to Sleuthy mcSluethems, aka Joseph Gordon-Leavitt. Nooooooo idea who this character was. He just seemed to pop up every once in awhile looking concerned and distrusting, which was perfect, cause that’s exactly how I felt! (Spoiler) Clearly, the only reason for this character’s inclusion was his big reveal at the end, which was admittedly cool. But this is another basic screenwriting tenant. Don’t make us suffer through a “nothing” storyline JUST for a twist. The storyline itself has to be interesting, twist or not. And there was NOTHING about this character that was interesting or even relevant. Again, had you taken him out, nothing about the story would’ve changed.
Finally, that brings us to Marion Cotillard, the most confusing of all the confusing characters. Who was she? No idea. I think she was rich? Influential? Owned a company that made the sharpest knives in the universe? This character was easily the biggest misstep as she had nothing to do with the anything outside of her own twist at the end, which of course had zero impact on us since we didn’t understand who she was anyway.
So after the introduction of all these characters (as well as the re-introduction to Bruce Wayne), we finally got to the actual plot, halfway through the 164 minute running time! And you know what? When we did, “Rises” actually started to resemble a movie! Bane takes over Gotham. There’s a ticking time bomb (literally). And Batman has to escape his prison and save the day. The second half of the film, for that reason, was actually pretty solid. But I kept asking myself – why did we have to suffer through all that nonsense to get here? Did we really need to meet all those characters? Did we really need to set up all those story lines?
It’s no secret that I like streamlined narratives, so I’m hard-wired to dislike this kind of script. I resisted Dark Knight on the first few viewings for the same reason. Eventually, however, I learned to like it. An argument can be made for Nolan pushing the screenwriting medium – to not giving us the obvious “Fast and Furious” formula, but rather layering his stories with multiple character through-lines and heavier thought-provoking themes. I get that. But why do I feel like it was all done so clumsily?
Maybe further viewings will change my mind. But right now, I thought this screenplay was a bloated mess.
What I haven’t learned: Batman may be the most popular character in movie history. I walk down the street and hear 50 year old men saying they can’t wait to see this movie. 40 year old women saying they can’t wait to see this movie. I hear black, hispanic, and asians saying they can’t wait to see this movie. More than any other film, this character seems to capture people’s imaginations. People LOVE Batman. So my question is, “Why?” I ask because as screenwriters, our most important job is coming up with a main character audiences will love. If we can do that, we can sell screenplays by the dozen. So what is it specifically about Batman that makes him so likable by so many people? I feel that if we can figure that out, it will help us with our own protagonists.
Genre: Comedy
Okay so I know I’ve been harsh this week. I’ve taken down two professional scripts so far, giving both of them the lowest possible rating on Scriptshadow. I don’t know if the stress of the move is getting to me or what. Actually, that’s probably it. I have so much stuff to get done before next Thursday that time is of the essence. Therefore when I sit down to read something, my expectations are high and my patience is thin. I don’t want to feel like I’ve wasted two hours of my time, and by association, two hours of yours. Which is why it’s taking every molecule in body to stay calm after reading today’s Twit-Pitch script. Or, I should say, the first 30 pages of today’s Twit-Pitch script, since I didn’t read the rest.
When I envisioned the Twit-Pitch contest, the idea was to give writers opportunities who don’t usually get them. I wanted to find 2 or 3 great screenplays and get the writers of those screenplays into the industry. It’s partly my fault for constructing the contest like I did (only requiring a logline at first), but I’m really disappointed in writers who used this opportunity to pitch a logline they hadn’t written a script for, and then tried to write a script in the 4-5 weeks before the deadline.
This is what I do FOR A LIVING. Read scripts. Do you really think you’re going to write a script in 5 weeks that’s going to impress me? I read scripts from pros who have worked a year on their scripts and still have flaws. I read scripts that have been in development for years at studios and still have flaws. Do you really think, as an amateur, as someone without as much experience or knowledge as those writers, that you’re going to whip up something in a matter of weeks and I’m not gonna be able to tell the difference? Are you that delusional? Do you really disrespect me and this profession that much?
I did this to help you guys. And this is what I get in return? This is what I get for all my hard work? I didn’t have time for Twit-Pitch. I had a move coming up, a book coming up, a site-relaunch coming up. Those last two things have pushed back specifically because of the time it’s taken to do Twit-Pitch. And this is my reward?
Here are some of the sentences in the first act of “Cut Copy Paste…”
“Printed below the is the name, JEREMY WOODSTOCK.” (this was on the first page btw)
“…an brand new camera.”
“technics” (techniques)
“LEA THOMPSON, age 16 would give Winnie Cooper a run for her money, in his mind she is his soulmate.” (No, you’re not hallucinating. This sentence does have four errors in it)
“Oh my god, were screwed.”
“Oh god…Your right.”
“He reaches his hands in to picks it up.”
I could go on but what’s the point?
Look, guys, let me tell you something. You don’t get second chances with people in this business. If you show your script to an industry contact and it’s a half-assed piece of garbage? You’re done with that person. They will never read anything from you again. They’ve officially labeled you a bad writer, or at the very least, a writer who doesn’t take his profession seriously. So that’s it. You’ve forever burned that bridge.
One of the biggest mistakes amateur writers make is believing the bar in this profession is low. That if they just whip something together with a funny premise and a few laughs, that they’ll be on their way to dozens of million dollar paychecks. In their head, their script is funnier than that latest Adam Sandler movie. So therefore, they should get paid Adam Sandler money, right??
Besides the fact that their script isn’t even a tenth as well written as the Adam Sandler script (as scary as that sounds), it’s just a terrible way to approach screenwriting. If you want to be a professional screenwriter, you have to be fucking serious about it. You have to study the shit out of the craft. You have to read all the books, take some classes, read tons of screenplays, write tons of screenplays. You need to live and breathe this stuff. If you think that all you have to do is be a movie fan and buy a copy of Final Draft, you’re wasting your time as well as the people’s time who are reading your scripts.
I mean there’s no fooling going on here. I know when I’m reading a first time screenwriter, as do all the gatekeepers in this business. For that reason, raise the freaking bar. If you’re a young screenwriter (as in you’re still under 3 completed scripts), here’s some advice: Wherever you think the bar is? Multiply it by 100. That’s your real bar. Will you be able to reach it within your first few screenplays? Probably not. But at least now you’re aiming for the kind of quality that Hollywood expects.
For those who were wondering what Cut Copy Paste was about, I admit I can’t tell you much because I never got to Act 2. I know in Act 1, besides all the spelling, punctuation, and grammar errors, there were a lot of scenes where nothing happened. I think an entire scene was dedicated to two people trying to text each other. Nothing was moving forward. Time was stalled until we got to the second act turn.
This is one of the reasons there are so many bad movies out there. Because writers don’t hold themselves up to a higher standard. I’m so disappointed right now.
Script link: Cut Copy Past(e)
[x] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] Wasn’t for me
[ ] Worth the read
[ ] Impressive
[ ] Genius
What I learned: I often run into writers who are rushing to get their script ready for an industry contact they just met. They ask me, “Should I take my time and make sure everything’s perfect, or should I hurry up and get it to him while I’m still fresh in his head?” After this review, I hope you know the answer to that question. Who cares if you get a script to someone if it sucks? Even if you consider it 75% ready. Or 85% ready. That’s not good enough. Do not give your script away until it is 100% ready. Until you can go through every single scene in your script and say, “I cannot do better than this.” Every one!
Genre: Drama
Premise: An 11 year old boy survives a mountain plane crash and must use all the tools his father taught him to survive.
About: This one finished low on last year’s Black List. Writer Will Fetters broke onto the scene with Black List script “Remember Me,” a couple of years ago, which had one of the more shocking endings I’ve read and ended up starring heartthrob Robert Pattinson. He then scripted The Lucky One, which starred Zac Efron. Fetters projects seem to have the young hunky actor market cornered. Which begs the question – Which hunky heartthrob is going to play 11 year-old Norman Ollestad. My guess is Alex Petteyfer.
Writer: Will Fetters (based on the novel by Norman Ollestad)
Details: 121 pages (April 15, 2011 draft)
I don’t know why but I was worried about this one. I mean, dramatically, it had the makings for a good story. An 11 year old kid survives a plane crash. He’s gotta use all the skills his father taught him to survive. That could be cool right?
Yeah, it could be. Assuming there was some drama in the story. Assuming there was ANY drama in the story. Crazy For The Storm is one of the most boring screenplays I’ve ever read. I mean at least with The Accountant, you’re sitting there going, “Is this writer insane? What the hell is he going to come up with next??” With “Storm,” it’s as if the story was stripped of every potential interesting development before being let out into the world. For a cool premise, it’s shocking to see how little actually happens in this script.
It starts off in 1979 with this 11 year old boy named Norman Ollestad barreling down a slalom run. Norman is competing against guys five and six years older than him, which means he does’t have the weight to get enough speed to compete. Therefore, his father has taught him how to ski on ice to make up for it. This trick is what allows Norman to win.
But Norman doesn’t seem too thrilled about the victory. He’s more surprised than anything. Cut back to some really high class hippy commune (does that even make sense?) on the beach where Norman goes skateboarding with his buddies. It’s back here where we learn that Norman’s father, Norman Sr., has divorced Norman’s mom, leaving Norman to live with his mom and step-father, whom he detests.
While getting to know Norman’s home life, we flash forward to see Norman, his father, and his father’s girlfriend hop on a Cessna and crash into a mountain. We then spend the rest of the script jumping back and forth between the crash aftermath and Norman’s recent past, particularly his relationship with his father.
What is that relationship? Good question. I have no idea. All I know is that they talk about life a lot and Norman Sr. goes to a lot of weird places. For example, he takes his son down to Mexico to deliver a washing machine to his grandparents. On the way, they’re shot at and nearly killed by Federales. Fun scene. Absolutely no idea what it had to do with anything.
Back to the mountain where Norman realizes his father and the pilot are dead, but that his dad’s girlfriend is still alive. Little 11 year old Norman will now have to carry the 30-something woman down the mountain with him. Don’t worry. He drops her and she dies. Still, it will be a challenge. And if I’m to believe the premise, only his father’s life lessons will allow him to make it out alive. Except they don’t. At all. He just sort of walks down the mountain. And that is Crazy For The Storm for you.
I mean………what??
I don’t know how one script can be so boring. NOTHING happens in this screenplay. Which is really weird to say about a script where a plane crashes into the side of a mountain. How can you write a script where nothing happens after that? I don’t know but it happened.
Let’s start with the idea itself. I remember when this book was optioned and this is how I recall the pitch: A young boy grows up with an overbearing father who forces him to do a bunch of stuff he hates. Then, when the boy is stranded on a mountain after a plane crash, he’s forced to use all those skills his father taught him to survive.
THAT sounded like a story. There was some nice irony involved. A boy hating his father for ruining his childhood but then getting stuck in a situation where all the lessons he taught him ended up saving his life. Good, right?
Well that’s not the story. This story has a father who loves his son. He’s nice to him. He’s helpful. He’s protective. They’re best friends! In other words, there’s NO CONFLICT WHATSOEVER. Which means every scene between them is boring. So when Norman gets stuck on the mountain? No irony. Just – “Okay, let’s use the things dad taught me.”
Except NOT EVEN THAT MAKES SENSE! What did the dad teach him? How to ski? How to surf? Am I missing something here? How do skiing and surfing help you survive a plane crash???? I think there’s one scene where Norman slides down a section of the mountain. So that’s it? Is that the big lesson he learned that saved his life??
The only conflict in the script, actually, is focused on Norman and his stepfather. Not only is it boring, but it has nothing to do with anything. There’s this weird totally separate subplot about the stepfather wanting Norman to focus on getting a football scholarship to USC. Uhhhh, HE’S 11! Shouldn’t we start with graduating 6th grade first? And we already have skiing and surfing and skateboarding in this movie. Now we have football?? Aggghhh!! I’m so confused.
If I were advising this story, this is what I would do. I would create way more conflict between father and son. This story only works with irony. Get rid of the stepdad character. He’s worthless. Spend WAY MORE TIME on the mountain after the crash. It feels like there’s 8 pages of mountain in the entire script. Then, make the mountain scenes actually interesting. There need to be more obstacles. It needs to look like an impossible feat. Outside of losing the girlfriend (who we didn’t care about anyway because her inclusion was so undefined), Norman basically jaunts down the mountain without a hitch.
Watch (or read) Alive. Those guys had to deal with avalanches and starvation and isolation and turning on each other. There was an obstacle at every turn, every few minutes. Here, there are no obstacles! Where’s the drama in that?
Then, when you do cut back to the past, only cut back to him and his father. And build up more of a hatred there. His father should be heartless, unloving, only about teaching his son to be better (at whatever it is he’s teaching him). Norman then grows to resent his father. That way the movie is about this kid who’s gone his whole life believing his father didn’t love him, that he only cared about torturing him, only to learn he actually loved him more than anything, because he prepared him for this moment.
I’m not even scratching the surface here. There were SOOOO many other things wrong with this script – such as the fact that 11 year old Norman talked like he was 22 the whole time. But I’ve already crashed this script into the side of a mountain enough. I’m getting off this mountain. Does anybody have a snowboard I can borrow?
[x] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: This script suffers from one of the worst mistakes you can make as a screenwriter – the passive hero. Norman doesn’t talk much. He doesn’t do much. He just listens to his dad and reacts. Even the 8 pages where he does act (on the mountain) feel restrained. Be REALLY wary of protagonists who don’t talk and are followers. There’s an incredibly high chance they’re boring.
