Genre: Action/Adventure
Premise: When a teenage boy comes across a map for a treasure buried on a remote island, he joins a motley crew to retrieve the treasure, only to realize that the crew has other plans in mind.
About: Today’s script landed on the 2015 Black List. It’s based on the 1883 novel, Treasure Island, which is one of the most adapted stories in history. The script was written by James Coyne, who was supposed to write Sherlock Holmes 3 before they backed off and decided to do one of those writers’ rooms. Coyne more recently sold a sci-fi pitch called “Cascade” to Paramount, although not much is known about that project. Treasure Island was originally written by Robert Louis Stevenson who was a bona fide writing celebrity when he was alive (I wish they’d bring those days back!). In addition to Treasure Island, he wrote The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Writer: James Coyne (based on the book by Robert Louis Stevenson)
Details: 120 pages (Draft 1.1)

So yesterday, Sony officially announced a Fantasy Island movie (“Da plane da plane!”). That got me in Island Fever mode, so I decided to check out Treasure Island, an adaptation of the famous book I’ve never read. Islands are one of the best places to set a story because there’s nowhere for your characters to go. They have to confront the antagonist if they’re going to make it off the rock alive. Throw in some treasure hunting and you’ve got yourself a story.

This also falls in line with my advice that old IP is always on the table with studios. Tell them you have a romantic comedy set in Nashville and their eyes roll. Tell them you have a new take on a Charles Dickens or Shakespeare tale and they lean forward, rapt with attention. Case in point, just yesterday a new take on Romeo and Juliet sold, this one set in Brooklyn with sword-wielding Capulets and Montagues.

Of course, you don’t have to go with a new take. You can do what today’s writer did and stay true to the source material. Either way, old IP gives you a leg up in pitch meetings. That’s for sure. Let’s see what Coyne’s done with this classic tale.

15 year old Jim Hawkins is devastated after his father passes away. But he doesn’t have time to mourn. That’s because a band of pirates led by the evil “Black Dog” have sailed onto shore and are headed to Jim’s Inn. What neither us nor Jim know is that a Captain who lives at the Inn has a map to Flint’s Island, where an enormous treasure is hidden.

Black Dog’s crew bursts into the Inn and starts killing everyone, prompting Jim and his mother to sneak away, but not before they stumble upon the captain’s map. Somehow, the two are able to escape, and head to a local port where they commission a ship to obtain the treasure. But then Black Dog, who’s secretly followed them here, pulls Jim into an alley to kill him. Just before doing so, a sword appears through Black Dog’s chest. This sword belongs to the charming Long John Silver, who so happens to be a part of Jim’s crew.

On the way to the island, Jim overhears his new supposed friend, Silver, say that he and the crew are going to take the treasure for themselves then kill everyone on board. After Jim tells the Captain, the other passengers must pretend like they don’t know the plan. Once they get to the island, they’ll leave the crew and get the hell out of dodge. The clever Long John Silver senses something is amiss, however, and refuses to go exploring without Jim.

From there, Jim must figure out a way to escape Silver and his vagrants, get back to the boat, and get off the island. But as new wrinkles emerge, and an overall greed for the treasure surfaces, getting off the island for anybody becomes more and more unlikely.

Man, I can’t remember the last script I read that has this much action. As you guys know, this is how I say to do it when you’re writing period stuff. Let us know immediately that you’re here to entertain.

I would say that the opening act here is one of the best opening acts I’ve read this year. It’s relentless. The way we establish our hero, Jim, then we cut to the pirates, coming ashore and preparing to attack. Then we cut to the local militia, who’s gotten word of the landing. The way Coyne jumps back and forth between these three parties during this attack is captivating.

And it isn’t just the intensity. It’s the characters. These characters are so well drawn. The ragged shadowy Pew, who has no eyes. Black Dog, who’s all business and determination. The Iroquois warrior, River, who is a battling beast for the militia. Ruthie, the giant of a man who can’t be taken down. Squire, an aging soldier who refuses to let age define him. Obviously, these are all Stevenson’s creations. But boy do characters this rich make a difference. It’s rare that I encounter one character this memorable in a script. Much less the dozen in Treasure Island.

But I want to draw your attention to an important detail here because beginner screenwriters miss this. This action-packed first act doesn’t work unless we set up the character of Jim beforehand. Coyne (or Stevenson – not sure if this plays the same way in the book) starts the story with Jim’s father dying. It’s a brutal scene. His father is sick in bed, down to his last few minutes. The doctor tells Jim that if there’s anything he wants to say to his father, he needs to do it now. Then we get their final conversation.

To understand why this is important, you have to imagine the first act without this scene. Say we meet Jim waking up and the next thing you know, pirates are raiding the Inn. We’re not as invested in Jim’s escape because we don’t know him. By spending that one intense emotional beat with Jim, we want this kid to survive more than anything. Which means that all this action has a purpose – to create doubt about whether this character we now love escapes or not.

And for those of you who say, “Ah, but Carson, we know he’s going to survive. He’s the hero!” Let me tell you something about this script. You never know what’s coming next. It was full of surprises. (Spoilers) They escape the pirates, they go to the port, Black Dog, who we thought was gone, reappears, tries to kill Jim, who’s saved by Long John Silver, who we fall in love with, only to later realize is a bad guy, but who later still turns out to be a good guy! The script constantly kept me off-balance. And we’re talking about a 150 year old story.

I was on my way to giving Treasure Island an “impressive” until we got to the island. That’s when things got sloppy. The script kept up its insane pace, but without the clarity that the first act had. Jim was with the pirates on the island, who he was trying to escape, while the boat itself was constantly moving around the island. For awhile there, I wasn’t clear what Jim’s plan was, or the guys on the boat for that matter (why did they keep sailing to different points on the island??).

Luckily, everything came together at the end, once they found the treasure. I loved how Silver’s team abandoned him, forcing him to team up with Jim. As they fought their way back to the boat, you were constantly wondering, “Is Silver really an ally? Is he going to betray Jim?” The only way to find out was to keep reading. And that’s the name of this game, right? Creating scenarios that give the reader no choice other than to keep reading. They have to know what happens next.

I don’t know where they’re at with this project but it feels to me like a nice successor to the dying Pirates franchise. My only reservation is building the story around a 15 year old. The overall tone has an adult feel to it (a typical line of dialogue: “Tighten up that gallant, it’s looser than a fat tart’s cunny!”). Harry Potter this is not. Maybe if they upped Jim’s age to 20, you’d have yourself a film.

Really enjoyed this.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[xx] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Between yesterday and today, we see the power of entering stories during a major transition in someone’s life. In Castle Rock and Sharp Objects, it’s coming home for the first time in decades. In Treasure Island, it’s the death of the hero’s father. Life transitions force characters to reevaluate everything, or at least things they’ve been suppressing. This opens the character up in ways you don’t have access to if you meet them during their run-of-the-mill existence. So consider starting your story during a major transition in your hero’s life!

Genre: 1 Hour TV Drama
Premise: An anthology series that is said to take the entirety of the Stephen King universe and tell new original stories within that universe, with the occasional assist from known King characters.
About: Castle Rock is the long awaited “Stephen King Universe” show that JJ Abrams brought to Hulu. The show is being spearheaded by Sam Shaw and Dustin Thomason, who created the ambitious but ultimately canceled, “Manhattan.” JJ Abrams was said to be a big fan of the show and had wanted to work with Shaw and Thomason. So when they pitched him this idea, he was immediately on board. The show debuted last week.
Writers: Sam Shaw and Dustin Thomason (based on Stephen King’s books)
Details: 55 minutes

I’ve been looking forward to this show since the day they announced it. With “It,” Hollywood finally figured out how to do Stephen King horror right. While King can be goofy and weird, his adapted material works best when it errs on the dramatic side. That’s where JJ’s taken his cue with Castle Rock – a serious jaunt into the Stephen King universe. In fact, I’d call this trip Fargo-Adjacent. Not a bad tone to set your TV show to.

However, I’ve been down this road before with JJ and Hulu. 11/22/63. I thought that show was going to be amazing. But by the fourth episode, I felt like I was watching concrete harden. Which is ironic since that show was about as solid as soft serve ice cream. In retrospect, I realized the concept was flawed. You’re sent back in time to stop the Kennedy Assassination but you arrive two years prior to the assassination. So you have to sit around and wait for two years? Talk about anti-urgency.

But JJ being the genius he is, he knew how to suck me back in. Begin Castle Rock at Shawshank? Shawshank as in the prison in the best movie ever made? Well, duh. Can I be admitted as a prisoner? And in double-dose JJ fashion, we meet the warden of Shawshank as he drives his car off a cliff while hanging himself at the same time. I know, right? wtf???

We quickly learn why he’s done this. It turns out the warden was keeping a kid in a cage in the basement of Shawshank. When that kid, now a young man, is rescued, he says two words, “Henry Devers.” Henry Devers? Who the hell is Henry Devers?

Henry Devers, it turns out, is a lawyer who grew up in Castle Rock. He comes back to town to learn why this tortured kid is asking for him. And that’s when we learn Henry has his own complicated past. When he was a kid, he disappeared for two weeks during the dead of winter, with temperatures in the negatives. Nobody could’ve survived that. Yet Henry shows up two weeks later in the forest, completely fine, with no memory of what happened.

As we make our way to the end of the pilot, the focus is placed on the weird kid who was rescued from a cage. The word ‘creepy’ doesn’t do him justice. And right now, no one knows what to do with him. I mean, he doesn’t even have a name. Then, without warning, all the power in the prison goes out, and when it comes back on, he’s no longer in his holding room. Cut to black.

This one was a doozy. It was awesome in parts. Slow in others. All in all, it made me a believer, but not without some reservations.

For starters, there’s the “coming back home” template for a show. Yes, it’s used a lot. But it’s used a lot because it works. You may note that it’s the template for the new HBO show, Sharp Objects, as well.

The reason this format works is because you’re immediately dropping your hero into a world of unfinished business. You have to remember that TV shows are about character. Character development, character struggle, character relationships. Way more so than movies. So imagine, then, that you can place a character in a situation where you have 5-10 unresolved situations with other characters right away. Your show is off and running within minutes. That’s what the “come back home” template gives you.

Castle Rock combines this with what JJ does best – MYSTERIES. Every pilot needs to set up a series of mysteries. Somewhere between 1-4 in the opening episode. If it’s one, it needs to be really powerful. If it’s four, you can spread the wealth a bit. Also, the type of mystery will vary depending on the genre. If you’re writing a legal show, the mysteries aren’t going to be as intense as if you’re writing a sci-fi show or a show like Castle Rock.

Now you may say, but the internet told me mystery boxes were bad, Carson! There’s no doubt that mystery boxes can get you in trouble. If all you’re doing is leaving a trail of mystery boxes with no idea of what’s inside, expect to pay the price. But as long as you have a plan for each mystery box, you’re good. And even for those of you who are mystery box adverse, you can’t avoid it in television. You need to give the audience a reason to keep watching the show and mystery boxes are one of the most effective ways of doing so.

Here, we have two big ones: Who is this kid that’s been kept in a cage for the last 15 years? And what happened to Henry Devers all those years ago when he disappeared for two weeks?

Those two mysteries hooked me, especially the kid in the cage.

But I do have a problem with the show, which is that it’s not taking advantage of the “come back home” format enough. Nobody seems to know Henry Devers outside of his mom. They know his story – how he disappeared. But he doesn’t seem to have any relationships with people. It’s almost as if he left town the day after he was found in the woods.

As a result, Henry Devers feels detached from the world surrounding him. We’re not learning enough about this person. Contrast this with Sharp Objects, which has its main character, Camille, coming back home to investigate the disappearance of a young girl (that’s the mystery driving that show). Camille is constantly running into people she knows, old friends, friends of her mom, acquaintances. This allows us to establish unresolved relationships that can now become the engines for each episode.

Castle Rock, I think, wants to wrap its main character in a mystery box. And I’m not sure that’s a good idea. A mystery box arriving in a mystery box? We need something to ground the story, something solid to latch onto. If everything is floating around us, just out of reach, we get frustrated and want to go home.

With that said, I’m still intrigued. The writers have definitely captured the essence of the King universe. And I’m curious what they’re going to do with some x-factors here. Such as the fact that Bill Skarsgård, our “boy in the cage” also happens to play Pennywise the Clown in “It.” Are they going to connect the show with the “It” movies? That would be cool. Or that Sissy Spacek, who played Carrie in Carrie, is Henry Devers’ mother. Might there be a surprise reveal there? This is JJ, remember. And don’t get me started on how cool it is to see Shawshank again. The more time we get to hang out there, the better.

So they’ve got my attention. I’m watching the second episode now and enjoying it. At the very least, this feels like it will surpass 11/22/63.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[xx] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: The “Come Back Home” template is one of the strongest templates there is for a television show. Just make sure that you have 4-5 unresolved relationships set up and ready to go as soon as your hero touches down.

It’s time for an analysis of the 2018 box office. I know there are some people who consider box office analysis to be pointless (“Just because a movie makes money doesn’t mean it’s good!”). But box office remains the single most reliant indicator of what audiences want in a movie. In a world where entertainment options are more widespread than at any point in history, the act of taking 3 hours out of your night to drive to a theater and pay to see a movie is as strong of a vote for a film as you can make. Okay, let’s jump in!

1. The Equalizer 2 (1 wk. $44 mil, $47 ww) and The First Purge (3 wks. $62 mil, $98 ww) – The success of these two films excites me because it proves that it’s still possible for a screenwriter, without the pre-backing of a studio, to generate a franchise. Yes, I know, The Equalizer is technically based on a TV show. But it was essentially a spec script. The Purge (which is now moving into the TV space!) is probably a better indicator of what’s possible. A high-concept genre premise built on a clever contained narrative that has now become a money-printer.

2. A Quiet Place (15 wks. $187 mil, $332 ww) – I could point out the clever horror premise for the umpteenth time as the reason this movie became the second biggest box office surprise of the year. But I want to use this opportunity to highlight how a MONSTER elevates the marketing potential of a movie exponentially. There’s a shot in the first trailer for A Quiet Place where we’re creeping up a stairway and, on the wall are these giant scrape marks. What could’ve possibly done that? The only way to find out is to buy a ticket.

3. Black Panther (22 wks. $700 mil, $1.346 bil) and A Wrinkle In Time (17 wks. $100 mil, $132 ww) – I can’t believe that Black Panther made more money at the domestic box office than Avengers: Infinity War. I mean think about that for a second. That’s an amazing accomplishment. Meanwhile, A Wrinkle In Time bombed. I grouped these two films together because they represent a shift in Hollywood to produce films that include more diversity. So why did one succeed and the other fail? Because Black Panther placed its focus on writing a good movie first. A Wrinkle in Time, meanwhile, built its entire project around its message of diversity. In regards to ANY ART, nobody cares about the message unless the product is good. What’s that famous studio head quote? “If you want to send a message, use Western Union?” Your primary job when you write a screenplay is to ENTERTAIN. Nothing else matters unless you get that right. Never ever forget that as a screenwriter.

4. Annihilation (8 wks. $32 mil, no ww distribution) – I loved this movie. But let’s be real. It tanked at the box office. Annihilation is a reminder that there’s no market for big budget thinking man’s sci-fi. If you’re a thinking man’s sci-fi writer, you need to write screenplays with severely limited budgets. Think Primer or Alex Garland’s previous film, Ex Machina. The only successful thinking man’s sci-fi movies of the last decade are Arrival and Inception, which is more than zero, but not by much.

5. Game Night (17 wks. $69 mil) and Blockers (10 wks. $60 mil) – Comedies are struggling big time. Game Night and Blockers are the two biggest comedies of the year at 69 and 60 million dollars respectively. To give you some perspective, the original Hangover made 277 million dollars. Hopefuls like Tag (6 wks. $53 mil, $70 ww), Life of the Party (10 wks. $52 mil, $65 ww), and I Feel Pretty (9 wks. $48 mil, $88 ww) all underperformed. It’s looking really bad for the comedy genre. The only lesson I can glean from this is that Game Night and Blockers were both ensembles. And Blockers built a story around a wide demographic (by following a group of adults and a group of teenagers, you pull in both those demos). But should we really be propping up Blockers as the current comedy model to aspire to? I hope not. In a recent article, I noted that female-driven comedy specs still sell. Looking at 2018’s comedy numbers, I don’t know how much longer that trend will last.

6. Ready Player One (15 wks. $137 mil, $582 ww) – I know this movie didn’t do well at the box office (at least in the US). But it’s still a huge win for the writer, Ernest Cline. The odds of writing anything (much less something original) that will obtain the services of Steven Spielberg, is the movie equivalent of winning the lottery. I bring this up to remind you that the only way to write big budget material and get it made these days is to write it as a novel first. And while, in the past, that may have sounded daunting, it’s quite easy to do today with self-publishing. Don’t forget that one of the biggest sci-fi movies of the decade, The Martian, started off as a self-published novel.

7. Solo (8 wks. $212 mil, $388 ww) and Skyscraper (1 wk. $51 mil, $186 ww) – There’s a false narrative out there that audiences will eat up anything Hollywood throws at them. The failure of Solo (and to a lesser extent, Skyscraper), a product of the most lucrative franchise of all time, proves that that isn’t the case. Amongst numerous issues, Solo’s biggest failure was that it was unoriginal. It didn’t take chances. It didn’t give us anything fresh. Ditto The Rock’s Skyscraper. Let this be a lesson to screenwriters that you have to take chances somewhere if you want your material to stand out. Here’s an exercise for you. When you come up with an idea for a screenplay, close your eyes and imagine exactly how an audience would expect that movie to go. Got it? Okay, now don’t give them that movie. You can give them some of that movie. You can give them some of those characters. But never give it to them exactly how they expect it.

8. Avengers: Infinity War (12 wks. $677 mil, $2.04 bil ww), Sicario: Day of the Soldado (3 wks. $47 mil, $65 ww), and Rampage (14 wks. $99 mil, $425 ww) – Both Rampage and Sicario were box office under-performers. A big reason for that is that their stories were giant messes. I’m going to throw a phrase at you and I want you to internalize it: “Too many moving parts.” The fastest way for a script to derail is for it to have too many moving parts. Too many characters. Too many storylines. Too many subplots. Too many motivations. It becomes hard for the audience to remember what’s going on and so they mentally check out. Rampage had one of the most discombobulated plots I’ve ever read for what amounted to a movie about monsters climbing up buildings. And Sicario split its storyline up in such an odd and unnecessary way that it destroyed what was, at is core, an awesome idea. If you must write a script with a lot of moving parts, do what Infinity War did. Create an overarching storyline with a motivation so giant and so clear that it’s impossible for the audience to get lost: Thanos is trying to destroy half the universe.

9. Pacific Rim Uprising (8 wks. $59 mil, $290 mil ww) – The Pacific Rim movies fascinate me because, on the surface, they appear to have the makings of a top level franchise. Yet their dumpy box office take suggests otherwise. I think what I’ve learned when it comes to Pacific Rim is that you get one strange attractor per movie. You get dinosaurs in Jurassic World. You get giant beasts in Godzilla and King Kong. You get machines that can transform into robots in Transformers. The moment you add two strange attractors, you position yourself as a schlocky B-movie. Giant robots AND giant monsters? Ehhhh… It reminds me of Cowboys vs. Aliens. You have to pick one or the other. It makes me wonder what this franchise would be like if it was just giant robots fighting each other. (note: there are examples of this working. But there are more examples of it NOT working)

10. Hotel Artemis (6 wks. $7 mil, $8 ww) and Tully (5 wks. $9 mil, $14 ww) – I liked both of these scripts. But they both bombed at the box office. Here’s the thing. If you’re not writing a script within an identifiable blueprint (guy with a gun, heist film, contained horror, teen comedy) audiences don’t know what to make of it. That’s the trickiest thing about originality – is that you must mine it from a pre-established paradigm. Hotel Artemis isn’t really a gangster film. It’s not a guy with a gun film. I see that trailer and I don’t see a blueprint I recognize. Likewise, I see the trailer for Tully and I see a tired mom who hires a nanny. Had the nanny been a psychopath who’s going to terrorize the main character, seduce her husband, and steal her child – THAT’S A BLUEPRINT I UNDERSTAND. But just a mom who needs rest? Who’s going out of their way to see that film? Write outside of pre-established paradigms at your own risk.

BONUS CUT

Red Sparrow (14 wks. $47 mil, $151 ww) – Never ever write a screenplay with a main character who has a Russian accent. It has never ever worked in the history of the box office. I know why they continue to make this mistake (A-listers attach themselves to these films because they want to show their acting ability by playing a character with a Russian accent) but studios need to take a stand moving forward.

Carson does feature screenplay consultations, TV Pilot Consultations, and logline consultations. Logline consultations go for $25 a piece or 5 for $75. You get a 1-10 rating, a 200-word evaluation, and a rewrite of the logline. If you’re interested in any sort of consultation package, e-mail Carsonreeves1@gmail.com with the subject line: CONSULTATION. Don’t start writing a script or sending a script out blind. Let Scriptshadow help you get it in shape first!

Genre: Period/Action/War
Premise: Based on a true story, a young woman enlists in the Revolutionary War in a bid to help America win independence.
About: Today’s script was one of the big spec sales from 2016, fetching nearly seven figures due to an intense bidding war that Amy Pascal and Sony ended up winning. 33 year-old Christopher Cosmos ends up being one of the lucky first-time screenwriters to nab a big sale. The project is currently in development. But with its girl-power slant, it’s only a matter of time before the film gets made.
Writer: Christopher Cosmos
Details: 116 pages

Alicia Vikander for Deborah?

Hollywood is in this new era where messages and agendas are becoming almost as important as the bottom line. Even when you’re promoting a more inclusive system, there are always people pointing out you’re not inclusive enough.

Take this weekend’s Mama Mia sequel, a film that is built around and stars multiple women. That should be championed, right? Not exactly according to some. Twitterverse couldn’t help but take shots at how the entire cast is as white as the inside of a coconut.

Don’t think for a second that the studios aren’t discussing these issues. And while they probably realize you can’t win over everyone, they’re going to try. Which is why any female-driven project is shooting to the top of the script pile these days.

I don’t care what a script is promoting or even what the subject matter is AS LONG AS IT’S GOOD. If you’ve got a great script to back up whatever you’re selling, I’m 100% with you. Let’s see if today’s script delivers.

20-something William Jaffers is living a nightmare. The trench he’s in is so filled with dead bodies that he has no choice but to stand on them while shooting at the approaching redcoats. When the British make a run at the Americans, William has no choice but to retreat.

While doing so, he watches two teenage brothers, James and Andrew Thomas, get shot. While dying, James makes William promise to deliver a letter he wrote to his parents. William survives the retreat and delivers the letter and devastating news to the Thomas family, and while there, takes note of a young maid named Deborah.

After William leaves, something comes alive in Deborah resulting in her wanting to join the war. The only problem is, it’s illegal for women to fight in the army. So Deborah has to sneak away, dress like a man, and join under false pretenses.

Ironically, after she joins, she’s assigned to be the assistant to a captain, which basically means she’s performing the same duties she did as a maid.

Deborah says “screw this,” and sneaks away to fight a mission to secure a bridge. Coincidentally, William is leading that mission. He notices something familiar in this new recruit, but doesn’t think much of it. Deborah performs heroically on the mission, helping obtain key British intelligence, which should help the Continental Army catch Lord Cornwallis, the leader of the British Forces.

Unfortunately, while prepping for the final battle, William discovers Deborah’s secret. Will Deborah be sent back to doing household chores? Or will William and the rest of the army realize they have one of the fiercest soldiers in the army – man OR woman – at their disposal?

American Rebel has one hell of an opening scene.

I’m talking Saving Private Ryan worthy. The way Cosmos describes the chaos of this battle placed me right in the thick of it.

But it’s not just the description of the battle. For these things to work, you have to introduce us to a character – in this case, William – and immediately make us like him so that we’re WORRIED for him. Without that emotional attachment, the words describing the battle mean nothing. They’re glorified description porn.

And this is something I alluded to yesterday. Stories don’t work unless we’re attached to the characters on an emotional level. Whatever approach or device you need to use to achieve that, do it. Cause if you think you can plop names down on the page and we’re going to give a shit, you can take your place in the Never Sell A Script Line.

Here’s the problem with American Rebel, though. It does a better job making us care about William than it does about Deborah. As a result, the script never quite works when it shifts to Deborah’s struggle. Because we always feel like even though this movie is about her, William is the guy who pulled us in.

To be honest, I’m not even sure why Deborah wanted to join the army. Two seconds after we meet her, William shows up to deliver the news about the dead sons. And, all of a sudden, Deborah’s determined to be G.I. Jane.

What were Deborah’s feelings about the war? What are her feelings about the British? What are her feelings about ANYTHING?? We don’t know. And therefore we’re kinda confused why she all of a sudden wants to fight. It would’ve made a lot more sense, for example, if she was the mother of these boys who were killed. Or the sister. But no. She’s just some random maid.

One scene could’ve solved this. Before William showed up, we could’ve had a dinner scene with the father and maybe some other men from town, and they’re all sharing their thoughts on the war and what’s going to happen, and Deborah, who’s serving them, can’t resist after a certain point, and interjects with her very opinionated take. Just one moment like that would tell us how passionate she was about this topic.

The rest of the script is a mixed bag. Cosmos is really good at describing action as well as delivering the occasional surprise. Things would happen in this script where I’d go, “Holy shit! I didn’t expect that to happen.” I always like being kept off-balance in a read. If I get too comfortable, it means I’m ahead of the writer. And Cosmos was always knocking me off my assumption perch.

But a lot of that was undermined by the handling of Deborah. I was never clear on what Cosmos was trying to do with the character. For example, Deborah’s secret is exposed three separate times, and there were zero consequences to any of it. The other character was slightly shocked, but ultimately shrugged their shoulders and said, “Who cares?”

So if nobody cared, why disguise yourself in the first place? This may sound nit-picky but if you’re going to build your story around the need to be disguised, then there needs to be consequences if that disguise is discovered. And there wasn’t. At the end of the script, I found myself pondering whether anything in the movie would’ve been different had Deborah been a male character.

Despite those issues, Cosmos did a really nice job with the historical details and the set-pieces here. I cared whether these characters were able to win this war and I was mostly looking forward to each sequence. For that reason, I give this script a worth-the-read.

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Why does your hero want to go on their journey?? I’m amazed that writers overlook this question. Most of the time, the reason will be built into the premise. If there’s a serial killer and your hero is the detective assigned to the case, we don’t ever ask why he’s on this journey. He has to be. It’s his job! But for movies where that isn’t as clear, you, as the writer, need to make it clear. Or else we’re wondering the whole time why your character is even bothering. And in Cosmos’s defense, there is a scene at the end of the movie where Deborah’s asked this question and gives an answer. But it’s too little too late. We need to know that answer AT THE OUTSET. Or else we’re going to be confused the whole time.

What I learned 2: This is a good example of if you write a script in one of the 2 or 3 categories Hollywood is looking for at that moment, they’re willing to overlook weaknesses in the script.

Man, we’ve got a good line-up this week. A lot of times I’ll put a group of scripts together and think, “I don’t see a single winner in the bunch.” But today, we’ve got a few. I can’t share which ones I feel that way about, of course, because I don’t want to poison the voting pool. But this is the first pack I’ve seen in awhile that makes me confident a “worth the read” is on the horizon. For those playing Amateur Offerings for the first time, read as much as you can from each script and vote for your favorite in the comments section. The script with the most votes will receive a review next week!

And if you believe you have a screenplay that’s better than anything Hollywood is making at the moment, submit it for a future Amateur Offerings! Send me a PDF of your script, along with the title, genre, logline, and why you think people should read it (your chance to pitch yourself or your story). All submissions should be sent to Carsonreeves3@gmail.com.

Title: ABORT
Genre: Sci-Fi
Logline: Stranded on a remote planet with no memory of her past, a young woman struggles to fix her ship while trying to outwit a manipulative alien AI whose sole purpose is to repopulate its creator’s species by using her as a host.
Why You Should Read: ABORT is an edge-of-your-seat, unpredictable journey full of deception, twists, turns, and reveals, as our protagonist battles massive monsters, a dangerous climate, and conniving AIs… all while coping with amnesia. Billed as GROUNDHOG DAY meets ALIEN, ABORT provides constant goals and mini-goals, frequent ticking time bomb situations, and the stakes are as high as they could be… life or extinction. — While the use of color in the script has proven quite controversial, we are confident that it adds an extra layer to the read, and provides a much needed sci-fi ambiance necessary to set the mood of the futuristic, but isolated world we’ve created.

Title: A Writer’s Acts
Genre: Satire / Thriller
Logline: After a mysterious writer blackmails her through a pitch that reveals her darkest secrets, a meek female executive must take matters into her own hands to discover the source.
Why You Should Read: I constantly hear about how trendy “female-driven” and “Jane Wick” specs are, so I decided to write a female-driven Jane Wick that resulted in being about as far away from John Wick as possible. — This might be a cutting satire of Hollywood and filmmaking on the surface, but at its heart this is a story of female empowerment, institutionalised misogyny and liberal hypocrisy. So relevant in the era of #MeToo and Harvey Weinstein. And I guarantee you that all of these issues are handled without ever getting preachy or partisan. — Script also made it to the Semifinals of the Script Pipeline Screenwriting competition.

Title: Follow ME
Genre: TV – One Hour Drama
Logline: Follows the life of a cult deprogrammer who uses unlawful methods to liberate individuals believed to be brainwashed by controversial belief systems, all while struggling to find peace within himself.
Why You Should Read: I became fascinated by the world of cult deprogramming after reading strories about Ted Patrick, who is considered the “father of deprogramming”. Deprogramming refers to the act of forcibly removing someone from a cult, holding them against their will in an undisclosed location, and using psychological methods to unbrainwash them. The work of a deprogrammer can be liken to the job of an exorcist. You basically have a person who is under the influence of someone else, and it’s up to the deprogrammer to rid that person of that influence. With groups like NXIVM and Scientology being featured heavily in recent headlines, psychologist Steve Eichel estimates that up to 10,000 cults still exist today…and they are more dangerous than ever. People’s lives are being ruined. People who have families that love, care, and depend on them. These families hire deprogrammers to save their loved ones…no matter the cost. Although “Follow ME” is a fictional story set in present day New Orleans, a lot of what happens in the series is all too real.

Title: DEATH FROM ABOVE
Genre: Action/War
Logline: In WW2, during the darkest days of 1941 when Rommel was overrunning North Africa, a brilliant unorthodox Commando David Sterling singlehandedly recruits and transforms a bunch of unruly, undisciplined commandoes into the world’s deadliest strike force, the SAS.
Why You Should Read: WW2 is a period of military history which I love. For me, some of the greatest movies of all time have a link to this monumental, global fight for freedom. DEATH FROM ABOVE is a product of that passion, an unbelievable, untold, true story about the birth of the SAS in North Africa in 1941. DEATH FROM ABOVE fictionalizes real events to bring alive Sterling’s heroic battle against the stuffy British establish and Rommel’s formidible Africa Korps to form the world’s first strategic guerilla warfare unit — the SAS. It’s also a story of the unique men who formed this elite unit and their disastrous first ever mission OPERATION SQUATTER. DEATH FROM ABOVE has been written with franchise potential in mind, so just deals with the birth of the SAS and covers the period until the fateful first mission. The script also hopefully qualifies as one of the hot selling topics according to Scriptshadow, a based on true events WW2 story.

Title: Sway
Genre: Drama/Sci-fi
Logline: Sway, A talented high school pianist with a hard home life gains the power of mind control but must strengthen it if she hopes to escape the clutches of her abusive, drug-pushing cousin.
Why You Should Read: Hey, name’s Brittany! I may not comment much but I read SS everyday. Been reading, absorbing, mostly writing. I come here with a script I’ve been working on for a little while. I’ve always wanted to write a “superpower” story set in the real, real world with very personal stakes for the main character rather than world altering ones. There’s very little special effects and no over the top sci-fi jibber jabber. It’s pretty contained and written with a low budget in mind. Chiefly, this is a story about how abuse victims grow defense mechanisms to help cope with their abusers. In this case, the victim gains an actual superpower. I look forward to any helpful feedback from Carson and the awesome SS community!

One last note! If you’re going to criticize loglines or first pages, please do so in a way that’s constructive. I’ve seen a lot of bitter responses to loglines lately. We’re all here to help each other, not make each other feel bad. It’s easy to reword a negative critique into something that gets your point across yet inspires the writer to improve. Thanks.