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My friends…it’s been awhile.

We haven’t had a bona-fide good script to read since forever ago.  In fact, here are some quick factoids about how long it’s actually been…

1) Gangnam Style still hadn’t hit the internet.
2) K-Stew and R-Patz were still living together.
3) I hadn’t moved out to LA.
4) Kennedy was still alive.

So imagine my surprise when I started reading Gold and…it was actually good!  It was such a foreign experience to ENJOY a screenplay that I wasn’t quite sure how to handle it.  I actually stopped several times just to savor the moment in case it all fell apart.  But it never did.  In fact, it had one of the best endings I’ve read all year, securing an “impressive” rating.  So how did this script strike gold?  Read on to find out.

40-something David Walsh enjoys the finer things in life.  Like food.  And booze.  And…well mainly food and booze, if his body is any indication  His gut could be mistaken for one of the Hollywood hills and his dress code could be mistaken for “homeless chic.”  When we meet Mr. Sloppy, he’s being interviewed about his involvement with a man named Mike Guzman.  This Guzman fellow is apparently pretty important because the guy asking about him is very keen to find out how the two met.  And indeed that’s where our story gets juicy, but before we go there, we learn a little more about Walsh first.

Walsh is a prospector – someone who looks for mineral deposits below the earth.  He then buys the land and tries to sell it to companies who have the money to mine those deposits.  Now at the top of this game are big-name dudes who sell land with millions of dollars of potential deposits, shit like gold and diamonds.

Not the case with the guys at Walsh’s level.  Walsh has the occasional property in the middle of Utah that may or may not have some nickel 100 feet underneath them.  Basically, he’s the Jerry Lundergarten of prospecting – a desperate salesman trying to offload land that nobody gives a shit about.

That’s until he has “the dream.”  Seven years ago, Walsh was in Indonesia watching a man named Mike Guzman work.  Guzman is a famous explorer/scientist who specializes in geological surveying.  If a volcano collapsed somewhere 5 million years ago and has left tons of nickel deposits 500 feet under the earth, he’s the guy who can probably find it.

Problem is, Guzman’s hit a rough patch, just like Walsh, and needs a big strike.  So when Walsh shows up and says he had a dream that he and Guzman would find gold in Indonesia, Guzman can’t help but get excited.  But looking for gold costs money.  You need equipment, permits, workers.  This isn’t panhandling in the local river.  This is trudging through miles of dangerous jungle terrain then digging hundreds of feet into the ground.

But not long after they start looking, they find something.  Gold deposits.  Lots of them.  And from that moment on, everything changes.  Some of the biggest banks in the world want a piece of this zero turned hero.  And soon, Walsh and Cruz have themselves a full-scale multi-million dollar mining operation housing potentially 30 billion dollars worth of gold.

But naturally, as all the rappers seem to agree, mo money equals mo problems, and Walsh finds himself swimming inside a whole new kind of shark tank.  These sharks are genetically modified to extract all of your money and spit you out.  One moment, Walsh is on top of the world.  The next, he’s further under it than the very gold he’s digging up.

But none of that will compare to the utter shock that all men involved will experience when the “Holy shit” final act comes around. This one leaves you with eyes the size of hubcaps going, “No fucking wayyyyyy!”  And to think that it’s all true??  Wow.

Gold has an interesting but strong structure.  It’s divided into four equal quarters, each of which has its own gameplan.  The first quarter is about the struggle.  It’s when we meet our hero and see that he’s on the bottom of the barrel.  It’s an important part of the script because it establishes the character type that audiences always root for no matter what: THE UNDERDOG.  Walsh is as underdog-y as they get and because we see him kicked around by other characters, we immediately sympathize with him and want him to succeed.  This is a huge reason why this script works so well.

The second quarter is about hope.  It’s about our two underdogs digging for gold – literally.  Because this whole section is based on suspense (will or won’t they find the gold?) we’re entranced.  The combination of desperately wanting our underdogs to take over the world along with the curiosity of if they’ll find the gold or not has this section moving at a million miles an hour.

The third quarter is the aftermath of success.  In my opinion, this was the worst section of the script.  “Aftermath of success” is always hard to do in screenplays because it almost always goes the same way.  The hero doesn’t have time for his girlfriend anymore.  He starts to believe in his own hype.  He enjoys his success too much.  He loses perspective.  Been there, done that.  However, the stuff with the other companies trying to screw him over keeps this section alive.  All of that stuff was entertaining.

The fourth quarter is the fallout – what happens after it all unravels.  This section works for a couple of reasons.  First, we knew it was coming.  And we want to see how bad it’s going to get.  As gruesome as car crashes are, it’s impossible for us humans to look away from them.  And second, there’s a great twist.  I’m not going to spoil it here.  It’s one of those twists that defines the entire movie.  So seek out the real world story yourself or wait til the movie comes out.  But it packs a wallop.

The big take from Gold might be the use of this 4-Act structure.  For those who don’t know, most movies are broken up into 3 acts – the first act is 25-30 pages, the second act is 55-75 pages, and the third act is 20-25 pages.  But over time, because that second act is so big, some writers have decided to break it up into two parts.  This creates 4 acts then, instead of 3.

It can be simpler to write a movie this way because you basically write 4 equal sections of 30 pages each.  That’s a little easier to grasp than a short act, a really long act, and another short act.  In fact, it’s almost like you’re writing 4 little half-hour stories.  Now remember, the story you’re telling has to fit into that structure, like Gold does, but it’s a great little option to bust out if you’re one of the many writers who get lost in the second act.

Another thing I noticed about this script is how compelling it is to watch the “desperate salesman” character.  We saw it with Jerry Lundergarten in Fargo.  We saw it with Jack Lemmon’s character in Glengary Glen Ross.  And we see it here with Walsh.  I don’t know what it is but the desperation that reeks from these characters makes them impossible to look away from.  I’m sure there are examples of these characters not working, but I can’t think of one.  Writers need to remember this for future screenplays!

Overall, this script just worked.  Great characters.  Moved well.  Fascinating story with lots of twists and turns, particularly that whopper of an ending.  It was incredibly well researched.  Dialogue was authentic and strong all the way through.  Hard to find many faults with this one outside of the 3rd act I mentioned above.  Definitely check out Gold if you can find it!

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[x] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: The delayed character description.  In almost all cases, when a new character hits the page, you want to describe him immediately.  The reason for this is that it’s standard practice, which means readers expect it.  Therefore, when you tell us “JOE” just walked into the room and there’s no description of Joe, or “JOE” starts talking yet we haven’t met the guy, it’s annoying and confusing to the reader.  However, there are a few situations where adding a description to a character intro interrupts the flow of the read.  If Joe charges onto a battlefield and you have to stop to tell us he’s tall and gangly and has a spider-web collection, it kind of kills the moment. So the delayed description is motivated.  In Gold, Walsh is introduced pouring a drink, exchanging a few words with an investigator, and THEN getting his description.  To me, this falls under the category of a delayed description for no reason.  So it’s one I would’ve avoided.  The ultimate lesson here is, describe your character right away unless there’s NO OTHER WAY to do it.  You’ll keep the reader happy.

What I learned 2: Always pick a more interesting verb!  Describing a car on page 4, Massett and Zinman don’t say, “It pulls into a spot,” they say “it lumbers into a spot.”

Genre: Period/Historical

Everybody always complains to me about my Amateur Friday choices.  (complain-y voice) “Carson, you never pick Amateur Friday scripts fairly.” “Why does this guy get to go twice?”  “This logline sucks.  Mine’s better.”  “How come I didn’t get picked?”  “You play favorites.”  Well NO MORE my friends! That’s because YOU’RE picking the next two Amateur Friday scripts!

Below, I’ve listed 20 loglines along with the first ten pages of each.  Now I want you to pay attention to HOW you choose the pages you read.  Since you don’t have time to read all 20, you’ll notice that an automatic filtering system kicks in.  Based on what?  The logline, of course.  How interesting it sounds.  If it seems like a movie or not.  In doing so, you’re doing exactly what agents, producers and execs are doing.  Take what you learn from that experience and apply it to your next script.  Make sure your idea can stand up to this test.

Now I didn’t hand-pick these loglines.  They were all picked randomly.  I wanted to give you an opportunity to see what I (and others) get sent.  As you can see, if you come up with a good idea, it’s pretty damn easy to stand out from the pack.  The large majority of these loglines won’t get anything more than an eye-roll.  I know that’s harsh, but this process is harsh.  Nobody cares about your feelings (besides Scriptshadow of course!), which means if you want to succeed, you have to do better.  There’s also no official tally here.  Just tell me which loglines and pages you like the most in the comments section and I’ll go with whatever’s getting the most attention.  Now have at it!

The Last Banana Tree (Dramedy) – Tensions rise in the Foster household as their oldest daughter plans a doomed fundraiser for the world’s last banana tree.

Wonderwall (Action) – A former black ops soldier now makes millions providing freelance security to criminals. But his newest client attracts every cop and criminal in the city, and she just may be innocent. Saving her forces him to be a soldier again.

Heavy Gravity (Sci-Fi) – When a spoiled celebrity athlete is framed for blowing up the floating Imperial sky palace, he escapes with a rag-tag bunch of Surfacer teens to bring to justice the Empire’s most notorious terrorist — it’s ruler.

Dear Melanie (Drama/Romance) – After receiving a letter from a recently deceased co-worker professing his feelings for her, Melanie leaps at the chance to go back in time and save him.

Banshee (Horror) – A woman tormented by visions of death must learn to control her rage with the help of a vigilante vicar, in order to find her son and save a sea-side town from a soul stealing Banshee.

Kings (Thriller/Dark Comedy) – A group of teenagers congregate to play a popular drinking game, but when sex, drugs, and angst raise the debaucherous stakes, they’ll have to reassess their friendships in order to survive the night.

The Big Bang (Comedy) – After a desperately inadequate man sells his soul to the Devil for “male enhancement,” he discovers that his newfound stature is more of a curse than a blessing and he must confront God to find true happiness.

Dark Space (Action/Sci-Fi) – Alex Chaser, a tenacious mechanic, has gone through life ignoring humanity’s perilous position in the galaxy; constantly abused and ignored by a powerful alien government. But when she learns she is the first human to acquire psionic abilities, Alex finds herself changing the trajectory of human evolution in ways she never could have imagined.

Dethroned (Romance/Drama) – A millionaire, lost his fortunes & company, has to adapt to a new life when he becomes homeless and now faces losing his wife & daughter.

Amerikanski (Crime/Drama) – An orphan is taken in by a gang of criminals in Northeast Philly and grows up to lead them in a turf war with the Russian Mafia.

Things To Do Before I Died (Dramedy) – After the funeral of his best friend a lonely estate agent with a drab existence finds her wish list and decides to complete it in her memory. But when the list leads him on a journey that uncovers her troubled past, he must question everything he ever knew about her before he can begin the healing process.

The Real Jeff Spencer (Romantic Comedy) – An average Joe – with the same name as a TV star – begins a text-messaging relationship with a Hollywood starlet who falls for him.

Headlong (Comedy) – wo Aussies roadtripping from Phoenix to Vegas pick up a recently turned zombie gang member, who carries a fortune in stolen gems. When his former gang comrades pursue, a wild chase begins…

Mad Dogs (Grindhouse/Horror) – A repressed teen werewolf tracks down her estranged father — the sheriff of resort that caters to the hedonistic pursuits of werewolves — but an outbreak of weaponized rabies turns their reunion into a fight for survival.

Blood and Water (Thriller) – After her lover is murdered, a disillusioned sheriff struggles to cover up the affair; but instead, discovers a conspiracy that threatens to wipe out her entire town.

Blood Star (Sci-fi/Action) -When the last Vampires on Earth realize their powers are fading, they must go in search of the source of their immortality, before they are hunted down by a vengeful Grim Reaper bent on ending their kind forever.

The Battle Of New Orleans (Historical Action) – Outnumbered by the British army as he defends New Orleans in the War of 1812, heroic but strict General ANDREW JACKSON joins forces with the charming pirate JEAN LAFITTE, but must compete against the captain for the affections of Jackson’s willful wife, RACHEL.

Doxide (Sci-Fi) – A mafia hitman is hired by the government to hunt down a group of extraterrestrials on the New York City waterfront.

Battleground (Sci-Fi/Action) – During World War Two, in the merciless, freezing wilderness of southern Russia, stranded American and German soldiers put their differences aside to fight off an alien invasion from another world.

The Lumber Hack (Comedy) – When the world’s greatest competitive lumberjack decides to make a come back, he must overcome his past mistakes and the reigning world champion to complete his quest.

It’s hard, because of what I do, not to know at least something about the script I’m reading.  But every once in awhile I open a screenplay where I literally know nothing about it, such as today.  The only thing I have to go on with Leaving Pete is the title.  Who’s Pete?  Why is someone leaving him?  I sorta wanna know.  So crack open a can of Blood Orange San Pelligrino and join me.  Let’s find out if this Pete character deserves getting left.

Paul is a typical nerdy adorable rom-com protagonist.  In fact, Paul is an appropriate name, as I’m pretty sure the writers were thinking of Paul Rudd.  And if you’re worried about the hero being yet another lovable loser…well, be worried.  Cause he is.  BUT, the writers seem to know that this is a problem for certain readers, and have made Paul a little more active and take-charge than your typical loser-ish Seth Rogan-type. Paul is writing a book (about an obscure Civil War hero) and wants to do good in the world.  He’s just…a little slow.  But hey, aren’t we all slow?  Don’t we all finish drafts a little later than we mean to?

Paul’s idea of fun is hanging out with his pals Murph (think a younger Jack Black) and Dean (think a younger Jason Bateman).  Murph’s the kind of guy who hits on every girl, gets turned down every time, but doesn’t give a shit.  Dean’s the kind of guy who’s married, lives vicariously through his single friends, and does give a shit.  The three spend their guy’s night out every week at a bar playing a cheesy Bar Quiz game where the winner gets a free pitcher of beer.  Not exactly a giant stuffed bear (now THAT’S a prize) but each wackily-named team (Murph came up with their name: “Taking Care Of Quizness.”) takes it very seriously.

It’s on one of these nights that we learn Paul’s been riding solo since his wife, Jane, left his ass.  As far as Dean and Murph are concerned, that’s good news.  Cause Jane was a bit of a bitch.  Without the “bit of a” part.  Naturally, then, they’re skeptical when they hear Paul’s meeting her for lunch tomorrow.  Paul’s still in that delusional state we’ve all been in where he thinks he’s over his ex yet secretly hopes she’s meeting him to get back together.

Which, of course, is not even close to reality.  Jane actually shows up with a lawyer, who’s there to inform Paul that Jane’s written a book about leaving losers, based on him, titled “Leaving Pete.”  Guess that rules out a sympathy screw.

But it gets worse.  The book becomes a smash-hit!  Like Da Vinci Code sales.  Without the boring movie adaptation.  Pretty soon Jane is on Oprah touting her catch phrase (“Go it alone”) and every woman out there is making sure their man isn’t a “Pete” (a “Paul”), someone who’s lazy and clips their woman’s wings.  Of course, Paul wasn’t any of these things.  He was nice and sweet and super-supportive of Jane, so he has no idea where any of this is coming from.  In the meantime, Paul’s inadvertently become the poster child for “Men you shouldn’t be with.”

Even retreating into his man cave for months does’t work (this is us guys’ GO-TO MOVE when we encounter trouble – retreat to the man cave for two months.  It’s where problems magically disappear!).  Except books that sweep the nation never disappear.  This is one virus Paul can’t wait out.

But then salvation arrives in the form of Abby, a beautiful barroom quiz nut who answers those pitcher-chasing questions faster than Paul can process them.  Paul’s wowed by her intelligence and after that night’s game, the two are off to Umani Burger to have the time of their lives (okay, they don’t go to Umani Burger.  That’s where I’d go with a girl for the time of my life.  But you get the idea).

Everything’s going swimmingly, in fact, until Paul learns that Abby, gasp, works as an assistant at the publishing company that publishes Jane’s book!  Luckily for him, she hasn’t read it yet (she assumes it’s trash).  Still, Paul’s the most popular anonymous book character in the world, and everywhere they go, it seems like he’s one slip-up away from Abby finding out his not-so-secret persona.

Obviously, the longer this secret goes on, the more precarious Paul’s situation gets.  There’s that delicate point in a relationship where you can’t disclose certain secrets afterwards less you want to be lynched by your significant other.  Paul crosses that line ten times over.  And since this is a movie, we know it’s going to blow up in his face.  Which is where all the fun is…for us at least!

Finally!  A good script!  Finally!  Good writing!  This was mostly great.  Not only are these writers hilarious, but they nail the beats every romantic comedy must have.  First, the characters have to be likable.  I dare you not to like Paul, Murph, Dean, or Abby.  It’s impossible not to like someone who gets screwed over by a bitch.  It’s impossible not to like the most supportive friends ever.  And it’s hard not to like a girl who falls in love with our hero, warts and all.

Next, the dialogue here is great/hilarious.  This is a MUST for any comedy/romantic comedy writer, and it’s where talent comes into play most as a screenwriter.  Any writer can learn structure and conflict and character construction with time and determination.  But only those special few can consistently write funny dialogue.  Some of the most painful scripts to read are comedy scripts where the writer can’t write anything beyond average dialogue.  And believe it or not, that’s about 90% of the comedy scripts I read!

These girls, however, tear it up.   Here’s an early sequence where the friends are playing the “Celebrity Jeopardy”-like bar quiz game in which Paul is his team’s only chance at winning. HOST: “Next question.: Uxoricide is the killing of one’s what?” Paul’s stumped. DEAN: “Why aren’t you buzzing?  You’re supposed to be buzzing.” PAUL: “I don’t know this one.” MURPH: “OH, COME ON!” Becca N Friendz buzzes in. BECCA: “Uxor?” HOST: “No it is not the killing of one’s uxor, but Becca, I would love to know what you think an uxor is.” Becca looks disappointed.  She thought she had that.

MURPH: “We can figure this out.  Uxor sounds like Luxor, we stayed at the Luxor in Vegas last year…(suddenly excited)…remember that waitress who was into me?!” PAUL/DEAN: “No.” Terry (the annoying player who always wins) buzzes. TERRY: “Wife.  It’s the killing of one’s wife.”  HOST: “Correct.”  Unphased by his victory, Terry casually takes a sip of beer.

Later in the scene — MURPH: “THAT’S what your book was about?  Why don’t you write something commercial like a zombie soap opera?”  PAUL: “Because I’d hate myself.” MURPH: “You already hate yourself.” PAUL: “By the way, I started writing again.” DEAN: “Wow. That’s great, man.” PAUL: “I feel good about it.  I think I’m in a good place.  I’m finally over Jane.  Last week I even went to the gym.” DEAN: “You went to the gym?” PAUL: “I walked past the gym. I saw a guy on the treadmill in the window.  He smiled.  I smiled back…the wheels are in motion.”  DEAN: “It’s nice to see you happy again.” PAUL: “Thanks.” MURPH: “You only sucked for a year.” DEAN: “Give him a break. Divorce is hard. I read an article once that break-ups are more painful for people than a death in the family.”  PAUL: “Yeah, cuz when your mom dies you don’t  imagine her fucking all your friends.”

And it goes on like this.  The dialogue between the characters is always lively and entertaining.  And it looks so damn easy when someone does it right, even though it’s so damn hard!  I envy writers who are able to pull this off.

But the script’s real power comes from its…big screenplay term here: DRAMATIC IRONY. That’s right.  Weeee know something a key character does not.  We know that Paul is lying to Abby, which means every single scene where Paul and Abby are together contains a secret.  And when you have a secret like that, it creates subtext, which makes all of the scenes waaaaay more interesting.

For example, when Paul and Abby are going to Dean’s place for a couple’s dinner, we know that one slip-up could lead to Abby finding out who Paul is.  Mundane conversations become suspenseful and terrifying.  If Dean’s wife accidentally says the wrong thing, Paul’s secret is out, and he’s lost the love of his life forever.  That’s how to make scenes come alive!

Finally, there just wasn’t any fat here.  The script comes in at a lean 100 pages, which is exactly where this genre should be, and that’s an indictor that these writers know what they’re doing.  I see too many comedy (or romantic comedy) scripts coming in at 115-120 pages, with writers swearing they need every cubic square inch of those pages, and there being 8-10 scenes that could be cut instantly.  Not the case here.  Every scene pushes the story forward.  Nothing is included that doesn’t need to be included.  This skill is one of the easiest ways to identify a pro writer.  Amateur writers always include stuff they shouldn’t (so remember guys – ONLY write scenes that PUSH THE STORY FORWARD!!!).

So as far as I’m concerned, Leaving Pete leaves the Scriptshadow arena a winner.  ALMOST got an impressive.  Thank you for finally giving me a good screenplay to read Screenwriting Gods!

What I Learned: Substitute an inevitable disaster for a goal.  I talk about goals all the time on this site.  If you give your main character a goal, we’ll want to stick around to see if he/she achieves it or not.  But lots of romantic comedies don’t have goals.  Which means you need to substitute something to keep us interested – to keep us turning the pages.  A great alternative, then, is to create an inevitable disaster, usually brought on by a secret one character is keeping from another.  Our need to see what happens when that secret is revealed will work, in a lot of ways, like a goal.  We HAVE to be there when that happens, and therefore, we HAVE to keep reading your screenplay!

What I Learned 2: Subliminal naming!  In a comedy, it might be a good idea to name your character after the name of the actor you want to play the part (just the first name, not last).  Subliminally, this will make the writer think of that actor, which definitely helps the read (it’s easier to imagine lines coming out of a specific actor’s mouth, since every actor has their own unique voice).  I would only do this in comedies though.

I don’t usually review first drafts anymore.  But a lot of people have written to tell me that this script is really good, so I’m going to make an exception.

As for this writing/directing team, I’m not sure what to make of them yet.  I think they wrote and directed “I Love You, Phillip Morris,” which, while not something I’d ever want to see, was at least different.  And recently, they took on directing duties for one of my favorite scripts, “Crazy, Stupid Love,” and played it a little too mainstream in my opinion.  Something was lost in that translation.  The story didn’t move as fast as it did in the script.

Still, comedies are tricky to direct and when you have another element to latch onto, like the con, it makes things a lot easier, since the entire movie doesn’t need to rest on laughs.

33 year-old Nicky Spurgeon comes from a long line of con men.  His dad was a con man.  His grandfather was a con man.  In fact, his grandfather and father used to con each other!  And that’s made Nicky about as untrustworthy of others as one can get.  Gotta love those troubled backstories.  They make your characters so damn interesting.

Anyway, Nicky’s hanging out in a bar one day where he meets a hot girl who takes him back to her room.  Just before they’re about to do the Dew, the woman’s husband barges in with a gun, threatening to kill Nicky.  But for some reason, Nicky’s not phased.  He shrugs his shoulders and tells the hubby to fire away.

The couple is shocked when Nicky then reveals he’s been onto their con for an hour now.  Pissed but intrigued, the girl, Jess, follows him out and begs him to teach her what he knows.  But since Nicky doesn’t let anybody in – doesn’t trust a soul – he tells her to get lost.

Jess is one persistent little cookie, though, and eventually convinces him to take her on.  He quickly shows her all his tricks, then brings her onto his big con, which will take place at the Super Bowl.  After a few twists and turns, he nails the rather confusing Super Bowl con with Jess’ help.

But whereas Jess thinks they’re now a team (and possibly more), Nicky’s always thought of her as a means to an end.  Now that the con is over, so is she.  Just like that, he disappears, and Jess is devastated.

But three years later, she and Nicky cross paths again before a huge car race.  Turns out Nicky is pulling a big con there, and Jess happens to be with one of the drivers, having left the con world behind.  Nicky finds himself drawn to Jess once again, but this time she’s not having it, stonewalling him at every turn.  Eventually she relents though, and Nicky is posed, once again, with that question: Does he give himself to this woman, or is it still all about the con?

I have a question about con man movies.  Why is it that our con man always randomly gets hit up by another con man (in this case, Jess)?  I mean, what are the chances?  It’s not like every third person in the world is a con man, right?  So the odds are pretty astronomical that someone would try to con a conner.  Yet it ALWAYS happens. I don’t know. That’s just never made sense to me.

Anyway, my big thing with Con scripts is that they have to be CLEVER.  Every scene, every character, every con, every double cross – has to be cleverly executed.  If we can see it coming from a mile away?  If at the end of the con, we don’t experience that internal, “Oooooohhhh?”  then you’re not doing your job.

To me, that “ooooohhh” never happened in Focus.  I wouldn’t say any of the cons here were bad. But none of them blew me away either.  The best con is one in which we’re actually unaware a con is going on – so I don’t know if it counts.

Luckily, it’s a GREAT scene that almost single-handedly saves the draft.  Nicky, who has a major gambling problem, starts to lose control while betting against a very rich Asian man at the Super Bowl.  They bet on miniscule things like who’ll make the next first down or whether the quarterback will hand off or throw.  Nicky keeps losing, but each time, betting double or nothing, until a 100 dollar bet turns into a million dollar bet.  It’s one of the more intense scenes I’ve read in awhile and has you gripping your seat, desperate to see how it will end.

Unfortunately, after that sequence, we experience an awkward three-year time jump and are introduced to an unnatural storyline involving Nicky trying to con a bunch of race car drivers.  The first draft-ness definitely affected this section (the writers feel like they’re still exploring the idea) but even considering its rawness, it doesn’t feel right.  I mean, race cars haven’t even been mentioned in the script before this.

I also hate large time jumps late in scripts because they imply nothing in the story is immediate.  If we can jump forward 3 years and nothing is affected, then the story probably isn’t focused enough (no pun intended).  I’m not saying it can’t or hasn’t been done before, of course.  Just that it’s difficult.

Focus has potential.  Nicky is an interesting character.  And the love story with Jess is pretty solid (and will only get better with more drafts).  But I’m not sure either of the script’s halves currently work.  The Super Bowl half is plagued by us not knowing what Nicky’s plan is. And the Race Car half just feels out of place.  Will be interesting to see what they end up with.

[  ] what the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[  ] worth the read
[  ] impressive
[  ] genius

What I learned: You want your characters to be fucked up in some way.  Somewhere in that brain of theirs, wires need to be crossed.  The more wires that are crossed, the more interesting the character tends to be.  Here, Nicky comes from a family where his father played his own father in a con, accidentally killing him in the process.  How can you trust anyone when you grew up in a family that couldn’t even trust each other?  This lack of trust is what makes Nicky’s relationship with Jess so interesting.  He doesn’t know whether to give in to her or play her.  That script-long tug-of-war is the emotional meat of this piece and while it’s bogged down by too much first-draftness, I see it working well once the story’s been slimmed down.