Genre: Horror/Found-Footage
Premise: After a viral video depicting a vampire attack hits the internet, a group of myth-busters go on a quest to prove it’s fake.
About: Anthony Jaswinski is an idea machine who unabashedly focuses on the high concept.  He writes a lot of scripts with big stories and fast writing.  One of his earlier scripts was “Kristy,” which although I didn’t read, was reviewed on the site by another reviewer and a lot of people loved.  I did, however, review one of his spec sales awhile back, Advanced Placement.  I also reviewed his script for the horror film, Vanishing On 7th Street.
Writers: Anthony Jaswinski and Luke Goltz (story by Jaswinski)
Details: 88 pages (March 19, 2012 draft)

Here’s what I’ll give Jaswinski.  The man understands the hell out of high concept.  He knows how to come up with a marketable idea that producers will want to make into a movie (girl trapped on college campus with people trying to kill her, everybody in the world disappearing, high school kid forced to kill a senator at his school).  This skill is not to be underestimated because it’s one of the primary variables one must master to get a script noticed, sold, and made.  Surprisingly, very few writers actually think about this.  Instead, they’re off trying to write “The Ends Of The Earth 2: Lydie Has An Affair With Her Son.”

It’s not that you shouldn’t write things you’re passionate about – but until your writing ability catches up with your writing ambition, you should probably gravitate towards ideas that will get you reads, that producers will think, “Hmmm, this could be a film.”  In that sense, you want to study writers like Jaswinski.

My problem with Jaswinski is on the execution side.  With ideas as fun and “movie-ish” as he has, it’s unfortunate that they come off half-realized.  Everything from the characters to the plot points to the story direction feels like a first draft – like he’s only diving skin-deep into the story’s potential.

Now, moving onto today’s script, it’s true that Found Footage films are about as “un-depth friendly” as genres get.  The idea behind them is that they’re supposed to feel “real” real.  Not “movie” real.  So you almost want to avoid things like character arcs and first act transitions and the like.  It’s gotta feel random.  I think that’s why Blair Witch remains the best found footage movie yet (well, maybe second to Paranormal Activity).  It really felt like those guys were lost, randomly walking around the woods.

Still, if the characters have zero depth, then the same rule that applies to “normal” scripts applies to these – We won’t want to follow the characters.  We won’t care if they achieve their goal.  We won’t care when they’re in danger.  I’m not saying I loved Chronicle or that it should be seen as some FF gold standard, but at least with that script, we got to know the hero and care for him.  We saw his dad beat him.  We saw how he was an outcast at school.  We saw that his mom was sick.  For those reasons, I cared when he went off the reservation.  I wanted to see what would happen to him – how it would all end.

I don’t get that here.  I mean even the character descriptions are generic.  One of the three leads, Lori, is described as “pretty with Seattle cap.”  Or another, Kyle, is a “techno nerd.”  These are the leads! After those descriptions, I don’t have any sense of the characters at all.  And that’s a huge deal.  Because I’m about to spend an hour and a half with them.

So what’s Garden District about?  Well, a well-known internet myth-hunting team known as The Frankel Brothers interview a girl who thinks she’s a vampire.  In the interview, to prove to the girl she’s human, one of the brothers opens a shade to let some sun in (I guess Frankel Bro 1 hasn’t seen Twilight, where vampires can walk around in the sun just fine).  The girl gets angry, turns into a raging vampire, and while her skin is seared away by the sun, viciously attacks the brother and kills him.

The video goes viral, which is where our heroes come in.  Chris, Lori, and Kyle are myth-busting second-stringers.  They’re trying to be who The Frankel Brothers are.  And they believe this is all a hoax, some clever use of CGI and lighting the Frankel brothers are using to increase their audience.  Chris and Crew believe if they can prove it’s a hoax, that they’ll steal that audience away.

So they take a trip to New Orleans, where the video was shot, and start asking around about Paula, the girl in the video.  What they learn is that there’s this whole underground community of people who consider themselves “vampires.”  But they’re not real vampires.  They just shave their teeth into fangs and live the lifestyle.  They don’t have real powers like immortality.

Or do they?

The more people they interview, the more they consider the impossible.  On the one hand, these people sure do seem like delusional freaks.  But on the other, they exhibit strange enough qualities that maybe, just maybe, they really ARE vampires.

Eventually our crew gets an opportunity to interview the top dog, the leader of the Vampires (the “Sire”), and he grants them the interview in the very same building that the Frankel Bros. taped Paula in!  Uh-oh, this is getting spoooooky.  But shit really gets spooky when they pass out, wake up, and see that the building has been abandoned.  It’s only then that they realize these vampires aren’t letting any myth busters out of this city alive!

Continuing with the positive, we do have a clear goal in Garden District.  Our heroes want to prove this video is a hoax.  They’re trying to infiltrate the vampire network to achieve that goal.  So the script definitely has forward momentum.   And that’s not to be downplayed.  If I had you read all the amateur scripts I get, you’d see that most writers don’t even integrate that essential component into their story.

But on the stakes and urgency end, there isn’t much going on.  What happens if they don’t prove the hoax?  Nothing.  They retain their status as “second-tier” myth-busters.  Not what they wanted but they seem to be doing just fine with it.  I remember reading a similar set-up in a found footage script awhile back and the writer established that the characters couldn’t financially support their website show anymore.  They needed to make money off of it or else they wouldn’t be able to do it anymore.  So when they went after their goal, it was clear that unless they succeeded, their blog was dead. Those are stakes.  There’s something to lose.

Lack of urgency was also an issue.  There’s no need to do their job quickly.  I suppose they have their return flight they need to get their answer by.  But again, this goes back to stakes.  Who cares if they get the answer or not?  It doesn’t hurt them if they fail so the urgency’s irrelevant.  That’s why I say goal, stakes, and urgency are all tied together.  You have to make them work as one to really get the most out of them.

Again, you don’t HAVE to use GSU when you write a story.  Chronicle had scenes upon scenes of the characters exploring their powers that had no urgency.  But Garden District’s story is specifically set up to take advantage of GSU (with the big goal), so something feels off when it doesn’t.

But all this is secondary to what I believe is the real problem here – and that’s that the story just isn’t explored enough.  The ideas feel first-run.  There’s a safe-ness and predictability to each choice.  We know where it’s going all the time.  Now does this matter with the demographic being 12-22?  Does a 13 year old who hasn’t seen enough films to call things derivative really care?  That’s debatable.  But I like to believe you should push yourself on every element in your script.  Don’t just give them what they’ve seen before.  Try to do something different/new/challenging.  I didn’t see any of that difference and therefore didn’t enjoy this. :(

What I learned – Make sure you’re giving us ALL THE INFORMATION we need in order to understand a moment.  I see this happen A LOT.  On page 62 of Garden District, we’re in a hotel at night, and one of the characters wakes up to hear scratching on the window.  He slowly walks towards the window, trying to figure out what it is.  Now while I’m reading this, I’m thinking, “Well isn’t he looking at the window?  How does he not see what’s scratching it?”  He gets closer and closer, and I keep wondering, “How come he doesn’t see what’s scratching??”  Finally, when he gets there, it’s written that he whips the curtain open and sees nothing.  Ohhhhhh!  There was a CURTAIN there the whole time!!! That’s why he couldn’t see.  But this was never conveyed to us so how was I supposed to know that a curtain was blocking his view?  Had I known that, this scene would’ve been creepy instead of confusing.

Genre: Period
Premise: The true story of the Marlands, an oil magnate back in the 20s who were very controversial due to a shocking family development.
About: The writer here, Chris Terrio, has been kicking ass for a few years now.  He wrote Ben Affleck’s upcoming “Argo,” which I reviewed on the site, and I believe he also rewrote one of Scriptshadow’s top screenplays, “Tell No One,” also for Ben Affleck to direct.  But this is far and away his best script.
Writer: Chris Terrio
Details: 129 pages (September 2009 draft)
EDIT UPDATE: David O Russell is now directing with Jennifer Lawrence to star.

This script had been sitting on my computer for awhile with a big giant virtual sign on it that said, “Avoid!” I briefly checked out the subject matter online and all I remembered was that it was a freaking period piece that sounded boring as hell.  But with the upcoming move and a million other things I need to do, I haven’t had time to meticulously carve out which scripts to review.  Hence my lazy, “Oh, I guess I’ll just read this one.”

Well thank God for laziness!  Because Ends Of The Earth is one of the best scripts I’ve read all year!  I mean this is what screenwriting is all about!  This is how you fucking write a story.  I’m bursting with enthusiasm over this thing and scared I’m going to forget all the marvelous lessons it has to teach so I want to jump right into it.

However, before I do, I should encourage you to SEEK OUT THIS SCRIPT AND READ IT FIRST.  E-mail me if you have trouble and I’ll try to point you in the right direction (subject line: “EARTH”).  The joy of the read is the startling number of surprises that pop up along the way.  If you google these people, a lot of that will be ruined.  I’ll be spoiling some of that here since it’s public knowledge, but the story is SO MUCH BETTER if you don’t know.

The Ends Of The Earth introduces us to an old broken down hotel maid in 1976.  She’s relegated to cleaning up used condoms and a gallon of vomit in one of the hotel bathrooms.  It’s an uncomfortable scene to read.  But it will become so much more uncomfortable in a few pages, when we learn just who this woman is.

While heading to the lobby, one of the elevators opens and an older man’s eyes pop when he sees the maid.  There’s a recognition between the two, resulting in her turning and running down the hall.  He doesn’t get out of the elevator in time, forcing him to get off on another floor and come back around, eventually tracking her to a maintenance closet.  He bangs on the closet, asking her to come out, but she won’t budge.  She’s too terrified.  He finally slips a note under the door that reads…”IS YOUR NAME LYDIE?”

And so it begins.  Who is Lydie?

Cut back to 1906.  Yes, 70 years prior.  Lydie is just 6 years old, a guarded little girl on a train.  Think Newt from Aliens but a lot angrier.  Her alcoholic mother didn’t even tell her she was getting rid of her.  She waited until she was asleep and shipped her off in the middle of the night to her brother, Ernest Marland, who’s in Wyoming betting his entire savings on an ill-conceived search for oil, a bet that’s looking worse and worse every day.

While no one seems to be able to get through to Lydie, Ernest does.  She softens a little around him, and a week later, Lydie turns out to be a good luck charm.  Ernest strikes oil. A LOT of oil.

Years pass and Marland becomes one of the biggest oil companies in the U.S.  He’s not Rockefeller, but he’s big enough to make Rockefeller nervous.  And Lydie?  Well, she’s the heir to this fortune, since Ernest’s wife dies of stomach cancer.

That, of course, means that every eligible bachelor in Wyoming is after Lydie.  Yet nobody seems able to snatch her up.  It’s not that she doesn’t like anyone.  It’s just that her and her father are so close.  That angry vicious little girl has become funny, kind, and engaging, all attributed to the way Ernest raised her.

Well, this is where shit gets real.  Because – and this is the point where you’re either going to check out or read faster  – Ernest and Lydie fall in love.  Yes, father and daughter develop a relationship.  It’s a shocking development, especially since you know this is based on real life.  I mean it’s one thing for this to happen in the backwoods of Kentucky.  But this is one of the most powerful men in the United States!  It’s not like there are many places to hide when you’re that public.

So while they sneak around for awhile, it soon becomes impossible. And in a precedent that Woody Allen would use for inspiration later in life, Ernest nulls the adoption of his daughter and marries her.

Ewwwwwwwww.  Right?

Well, yeah, ewwwwww.  But here’s the great thing about this script. It sets up the most “ewwwwww” situation ever, and then works to make you sympathetic towards it!  And not only does it succeed,  you’re fucking rooting for their marriage by the end of the script.  An incest marriage!  Yes.

That’s because Lydie becomes one of the pioneers in helping workers and their families get medical care (relevant much??).  This was unprecedented back then.  If you got injured on the job – see ya.  You’re useless to us now.   If your kid was dying?  Tough luck.  We’ll send you a “Sorry for your loss” card and maybe let you come in late on Monday.  Lydie changed all that.  She wanted to do more for Marland’s work force.

But the cost of doing so was overbearing.  And in the end, it would lead to the downfall of the company, which would eventually send Lydie down a path where she’s cleaning up used condoms and vomit in hotel rooms where nobody knows who she is.  However, Lydie will get one last moment in the sun – a chance to put some closure on her life.  Maybe, she’ll realize that despite all this pain, it was actually worth it.

Uhhhhh…can I just say this script was FUCKING AWESOME!  And so unexpected.  Period piece.  aka Boringsville 99.9% of the time.  Yet not this time!

Let’s start with the opening scene.  When I open a period piece, I’m expecting it to be boring.  Women in period dresses.  People speaking funny.  Maybe some horses.  Here, we start with a maid cleaning up condoms and vomit who sees someone that makes her run for her life.  That’s a freaking intriguing opening.  Who is this woman?  Who is this guy who recognizes her? Why is she running from him?  So right away, from the very first page, I’m hooked.

However, I should point out, everything that followed this scene, DID NOT UTILIZE my precious GSU.  That’s right.  While there are elements of GSU (with STAKES being the most obvious – a relationship that threatens a billion dollar company!), for the most part, Terrio uses other story devices to keep us interested.

We start with the “building up” phase.  This is a device you can use that usually keeps the audience interested.  I’ve nicknamed it the “Goodfellas Tool.”  We like to see people start from little and build up to become powerful.  I don’t know if it’s because we enjoy watching someone we like succeed or if we know that sooner or later, it all has to come crumbling down, which that sick part of us really wants to see.  But if you show your hero becoming successful over time, we’re usually into it.

This, of course, is followed by the big development in the story – the Ernest and Lydie kiss.  This begins their relationship, which is intriguing because they must hide it from the world.  This is always going to be interesting to an audience because the stakes are so high (their lives, business, and reputation are on the line if they get caught).  So we’re on pins and needles hoping nobody finds out.

But then Terrio makes the bravest decision of the screenplay. He decides to show Ernest and Lydie come out to the world and admit they’re a couple.  I was really worried about the script at this point because I thought, “Well how are they going to keep our interest now?  There’s no secret.  There’s no more building.  Why would we keep turning the pages?”

This leads to the admittedly “softest” part of the screenplay, which focuses on Lydie realizing how little her company is doing for its workers and her determination to change that.  But it manages to stay afloat due to the conflict resulting from the aftermath of her marriage.  She’s shunned by the world, particularly her peers, for marrying…well, her dad!

On top of that, we just develop a lot of sympathy towards Lydie.  While she may be the happiest she’s ever been (being with Ernest) she’s also the most miserable.  And we want to see her rise up from that and be happy again.  I’m not sure we would want that if Lydie wasn’t desperately trying to help other people (the power of a likable protagonist!).

The script REALLY picks up again, however, when Rockefeller Oil gets involved.  They start seeing Marland as a threat, and decide to go in for the kill using incest as their primary weapon.  The result is so ugly, I teared up.  It was just horrible what they did to Marland and it destroyed their fortune, turning Ernest and Lydie into shells of their former selves.  A tragedy of epic proportions.

Seriously, this has to be one of the most amazing untold stories ever.  I can’t believe they haven’t made a movie about it yet.  It’s one of those rare gems that’s not just an interesting chronicling of events, but a story with the kind of drama and conflict and twists and shocks you couldn’t make up if you tried.  Someone said this was Gone With The Wind meets There Will Be Blood.  And I’d agree.  But I think this is better than BOTH of those movies.

I think what really stuck out to me above everything else was the love story.  When these two first fall for each other, you’re like, “No!” But by the end, you’re rooting for them to be together.  It’s one of the best examples of true love I’ve ever read.  Love means doing anything for that person – whether it’s crossing familial boundaries or traveling halfway across the world to see them.  It doesn’t mean words.  It means WHAT YOU DO.  And what these two do for each other is extraordinary and inspiring.  It’s really beautiful to read.

I could go on for years about this script but I’m already late putting up the review so I’ll have to stop here.  This is a wonderful screenplay and I’m hoping they get it cast soon because with the right actors and the right director, this has “Oscar” and “classic” written all over it.

What I Learned: So if you don’t have GSU, how do you keep the reader’s attention?  Well, it ain’t easy. But my feeling is that the less GSU you have, the more CONFLICT you need.  That means more conflict in each scene, and it means the conflict itself has to be more potent.  From the very first scene we have conflict (a mysterious woman trying to escape a mysterious man), to later on when two people are trying to withstand their love for each other, to two people trying to hide their love from everyone else, to a woman trying to change a system that refuses to be changed, to an evil corporation trying to take our character’s corporation over.  There’s always an imbalance (the heart of conflict) in “Ends Of The Earth,” and when you combine that with magnificent writing, you can write something GSU-light.  With that said, I’d wait until you’ve been writing for a LOOONNNNG time before you try it.  It requires a TON of skill.

 

Everybody always complains to me about my Amateur Friday choices.  (complain-y voice) “Carson, you never pick Amateur Friday scripts fairly.” “Why does this guy get to go twice?”  “This logline sucks.  Mine’s better.”  “How come I didn’t get picked?”  “You play favorites.”  Well NO MORE my friends! That’s because YOU’RE picking the next two Amateur Friday scripts!

Below, I’ve listed 20 loglines along with the first ten pages of each.  Now I want you to pay attention to HOW you choose the pages you read.  Since you don’t have time to read all 20, you’ll notice that an automatic filtering system kicks in.  Based on what?  The logline, of course.  How interesting it sounds.  If it seems like a movie or not.  In doing so, you’re doing exactly what agents, producers and execs are doing.  Take what you learn from that experience and apply it to your next script.  Make sure your idea can stand up to this test.

Now I didn’t hand-pick these loglines.  They were all picked randomly.  I wanted to give you an opportunity to see what I (and others) get sent.  As you can see, if you come up with a good idea, it’s pretty damn easy to stand out from the pack.  The large majority of these loglines won’t get anything more than an eye-roll.  I know that’s harsh, but this process is harsh.  Nobody cares about your feelings (besides Scriptshadow of course!), which means if you want to succeed, you have to do better.  There’s also no official tally here.  Just tell me which loglines and pages you like the most in the comments section and I’ll go with whatever’s getting the most attention.  Now have at it!

The Last Banana Tree (Dramedy) – Tensions rise in the Foster household as their oldest daughter plans a doomed fundraiser for the world’s last banana tree.

Wonderwall (Action) – A former black ops soldier now makes millions providing freelance security to criminals. But his newest client attracts every cop and criminal in the city, and she just may be innocent. Saving her forces him to be a soldier again.

Heavy Gravity (Sci-Fi) – When a spoiled celebrity athlete is framed for blowing up the floating Imperial sky palace, he escapes with a rag-tag bunch of Surfacer teens to bring to justice the Empire’s most notorious terrorist — it’s ruler.

Dear Melanie (Drama/Romance) – After receiving a letter from a recently deceased co-worker professing his feelings for her, Melanie leaps at the chance to go back in time and save him.

Banshee (Horror) – A woman tormented by visions of death must learn to control her rage with the help of a vigilante vicar, in order to find her son and save a sea-side town from a soul stealing Banshee.

Kings (Thriller/Dark Comedy) – A group of teenagers congregate to play a popular drinking game, but when sex, drugs, and angst raise the debaucherous stakes, they’ll have to reassess their friendships in order to survive the night.

The Big Bang (Comedy) – After a desperately inadequate man sells his soul to the Devil for “male enhancement,” he discovers that his newfound stature is more of a curse than a blessing and he must confront God to find true happiness.

Dark Space (Action/Sci-Fi) – Alex Chaser, a tenacious mechanic, has gone through life ignoring humanity’s perilous position in the galaxy; constantly abused and ignored by a powerful alien government. But when she learns she is the first human to acquire psionic abilities, Alex finds herself changing the trajectory of human evolution in ways she never could have imagined.

Dethroned (Romance/Drama) – A millionaire, lost his fortunes & company, has to adapt to a new life when he becomes homeless and now faces losing his wife & daughter.

Amerikanski (Crime/Drama) – An orphan is taken in by a gang of criminals in Northeast Philly and grows up to lead them in a turf war with the Russian Mafia.

Things To Do Before I Died (Dramedy) – After the funeral of his best friend a lonely estate agent with a drab existence finds her wish list and decides to complete it in her memory. But when the list leads him on a journey that uncovers her troubled past, he must question everything he ever knew about her before he can begin the healing process.

The Real Jeff Spencer (Romantic Comedy) – An average Joe – with the same name as a TV star – begins a text-messaging relationship with a Hollywood starlet who falls for him.

Headlong (Comedy) – wo Aussies roadtripping from Phoenix to Vegas pick up a recently turned zombie gang member, who carries a fortune in stolen gems. When his former gang comrades pursue, a wild chase begins…

Mad Dogs (Grindhouse/Horror) – A repressed teen werewolf tracks down her estranged father — the sheriff of resort that caters to the hedonistic pursuits of werewolves — but an outbreak of weaponized rabies turns their reunion into a fight for survival.

Blood and Water (Thriller) – After her lover is murdered, a disillusioned sheriff struggles to cover up the affair; but instead, discovers a conspiracy that threatens to wipe out her entire town.

Blood Star (Sci-fi/Action) -When the last Vampires on Earth realize their powers are fading, they must go in search of the source of their immortality, before they are hunted down by a vengeful Grim Reaper bent on ending their kind forever.

The Battle Of New Orleans (Historical Action) – Outnumbered by the British army as he defends New Orleans in the War of 1812, heroic but strict General ANDREW JACKSON joins forces with the charming pirate JEAN LAFITTE, but must compete against the captain for the affections of Jackson’s willful wife, RACHEL.

Doxide (Sci-Fi) – A mafia hitman is hired by the government to hunt down a group of extraterrestrials on the New York City waterfront.

Battleground (Sci-Fi/Action) – During World War Two, in the merciless, freezing wilderness of southern Russia, stranded American and German soldiers put their differences aside to fight off an alien invasion from another world.

The Lumber Hack (Comedy) – When the world’s greatest competitive lumberjack decides to make a come back, he must overcome his past mistakes and the reigning world champion to complete his quest.

NEW Amateur Friday Submission Process: To submit your script for an Amateur Review, send in a PDF of your script, a PDF of the first ten pages of your script, your title, genre, logline, and finally, why I should read your script. Use my submission address please: Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Your script and “first ten” will be posted. If you’re nervous about the effect of a bad review, feel free to use an alias name and/or title. It’s a good idea to resubmit every couple of weeks so your submission stays near the top.

Genre: Sci-Fi
Premise: (from writer) In the year 3000, the husband and wife survivors of an elite black ops unit are on a mission to infiltrate a rebelling orbital state, resolve a tense hostage situation and avenge their fallen teammates. As the only people admitted Upstairs are kids and their parents, the operatives have to adopt a 13-year old girl as their cover.
About: A year ago, a brave young Scriptshadow reader subjected himself to an Amateur Friday Review that might have been the most infamous ever if not for a certain Trajent Future.  If you don’t feel like reading that review, I’ll boil it down for you.  I laid into the script for not having a plot, structure, or characters.  It felt like it’d been written in a week. Well, Sweden, who took a beating in that review and in the talkback, ingested all that feedback, went back to the drawing board, and approached the story from a whole new angle.  This is his rewrite.
Writer: John Sweden
Details: 99 pages

Instead of doing the intro on this one, I’ll let Mr. Sweden do it himself!  Here was his e-mail to me about why I should read his script: “One year ago in the talkback for my hilariously offensive script “Orbitals” some kind commenter suggested that the concept would be perfect for a PG-rated Disney summer blockbuster. I replied that I’d actually pay to see such a big budget version of my story. “Why don’t you write it yourself? — asked the commenter. — This way you won’t have to pay — you’ll see it at the premiere!” So I spent a year researching, writing and re-writing my own brand of a summer sci-fi adventure movie: as realistic, action-packed and — most of all — human a story as I could possibly imagine. I think it would be fairly interesting to do an anniversary Friday — a sort of “a year in life of an amateur screenwriter” thing.”

Okay then John, let’s see how you did!

Orbitals 2: Orbital War, begins by taking us through many centuries until we get to modern day, which in this story is the year 3000 (I think – more on this in a moment).  During all that time, mankind has sent a ton of satellites and space stations up into space, creating many rings of debris around the planet, similar to Saturn.

There also appears to be a war or two going on.  The first war is happening down on earth (I think – more on this in a moment) between…well, I’ll be honest, I’m not sure who it’s between.  But there’s definitely some sort of war going on!  Actually, that’s not true.  I’m not sure there’s a war going on.  But there are people firing weapons at each other.  That I can tell you with certainty.  I think.  No, I know.  Yeah, I know that for sure.  I think.

So in one of these warring factions/teams is some sort of orphanage – I think.  I say “I think” because I couldn’t figure out why any army would also carry with them a bunch of orphans.  Anyway, in that orphanage is a 13 year old girl named Haley, who’s had a rough life, as indicated by the huge scar on her face.  When the bad guys (I’m assuming they’re bad since the orphanage army has to be good, right?) successfully take down Orphanage Army, two soldiers, Jonathan and his beautiful wife Stellar, light up when they find Haley amongst the wreckage.

That’s because Jonathan and Stellar need a kid if they’re to make it up to Orbital Station, which has a requirement that only full families (with children) are allowed on the premises.  Oh yeah, I almost forgot to tell you about Orbital Station!  Besides these two warring factions, there’s this really evil dude up on this station who’s housing…ALIENS.  Yes, he’s got a couple of aliens on the ship and is using them to threaten earth, even going so far as to ignite a tidal wave that destroys San Francisco.  I’ll be honest, I’m still not sure if he’s affiliated with one of the factions on earth or not.  But after making his Tidal Wave point, he tells the earthlings his demands are….NOTHING.  He doesn’t want anything.  I guess he just wanted to test out his cool tidal wave weapon.

Anyway, Jonathan and Stellar tell Haley she has to pretend to be their child since they want to go up to the Orbital station and blow up the aliens.  Haley shrugs her shoulders – “Sure, why not?”  It’s not like she has anything better to do.  So the trio develop aliases and hop onto the next transport to Orbitsville.  Once there, their cover is blown quickly, and everyone on Orbital wants them dead…..I think.

Okay, John did address one of my main concerns.  His previous script felt like it was whipped up in 3 days after a Reno bender.  This script, however, is bursting with effort.  Remember, readers can tell when a writer isn’t putting in the effort.  In these cases, your script isn’t a script.  It’s Al Qaeda.  And we will do everything in our power to rip it to shreds.  Never EVER waste a reader’s time.

The problem with John’s rewrite is, a lot of this effort is misguided, starting with a really confusing plot.  I mean right from the outset, I was confused.  We start out in the year 2020.  5 paragraphs later we’re in 2312.  Five paragraphs later we’re in 2750.  And five paragraphs after that, we’re in the year 3000.

Now there’s no rule that says you can’t jump through time in your screenplay.  But John doesn’t prepare us for this.  He never informed us that this was going to be a montage.  So we’re just sort of watching these huge chunks of time go by without understanding why.

This is followed by an introduction to a group of characters known as the Archangels.  Cool name.  But what the hell are they?  It’s not clear what their place in the story is.  I actually thought they were like the stars at the beginning of It’s A Wonderful Life, since they start telling us a story.  The story appears to be about the long ago past.  However, later in the script, we’re told that we’re still in the year 3000.  Very confusing.

From there, we’re all of a sudden thrown into this desert with someone named Gareth.  Gareth and his team are preparing to attack an army – drones of some sort (I think).  But we’re just thrust into it with no explanation of what’s going on.  Who’s Gareth?  Why’s he talking to a 13 year old girl?  Why are they in a desert fighting a drone army?  What is the objective here?  Who’s trying to attack what and why?  What do orphans have to do with any of this?

It’s just really damn confusing.  I mean we’ve started out with three segments here – A thousand year montage, an introduction to a strange unexplained group, and a random desert attack.  As if that’s not enough, we then get the president of the Orbital Station destroying San Francisco, claiming he has aliens, then telling the Earth that he has no demands.  So he just wanted to blow something up and brag that he had aliens???  What’s going on???

There are two mistakes here and they’re mistakes I see a lot of beginners make.  Plot complexity and writing clarity.  Sometimes writers simply over-plot their story.  Here we have a thousand years going by.  Some sort of war on earth.  Archangels.  An Orbital Station Maniac.  Aliens.  A military couple who wants to blow up the station but can’t do so without kidnapping an orphan and pretending she’s their daughter.  It just feels like too much.

Then there’s clarity.  John consistently keeps key information from us.  He doesn’t explain why the Orbital Leader destroys San Francisco.  He doesn’t explain why he doesn’t have demands afterwards.  He doesn’t explain why we’re in the desert in the middle of a war.  He doesn’t explain who the sides are.  He doesn’t explain why one side has an orphanage in its possession  He doesn’t explain why Haley appears to be special within this orphanage.  He doesn’t even explain basic logistical things well – like who’s shooting at what.  For example, there’s this big turret gun featured at the beginning of the desert battle.  But I have no idea whose it is or what it’s shooting at.

Both of these issues are big, but when you combine them – plot complexity AND lack of clarity – it’s a script-killer.  There’s no way to recover from it.  ESPECIALLY when you’re writing sci-fi, which requires a lot more from the reader, since they also have to learn your world and memorize the rules and characters that govern it.  So it’s like a trifecta of script-destroying.  And unfortunately that means everything that comes after it – good or bad – is irrelevant.  We can talk about how good Scene 45 was, but what does it matter if we already checked out in Scene 5?

Having said that, this script *is* better than John’s earlier effort.  You can tell right away that he’s put a ton more effort into it.  It’s unfortunate the story is so murky, to be honest, because the universe itself is extensively detailed and pain-stakingly explored.  John didn’t come up with this on a Saturday night after smoking a pound of weed.  He really pushed himself.

But that’s the shitty reality about writing sci-fi (or fantasy).  And it’s a mistake I see writers make all the time – particularly advanced beginners for some reason.  You can create an amazingly detailed Star Wars or Lord Of The Rings-like universe.  But if the story sucks or is confusing, it doesn’t matter one iota.  I don’t care if you know the history of Planet Nebular down to the year of the last ice age if the whole time I’m scratching my head going, “Uhhhh, why the fuck are we on this planet again??”

So I think John’s learned a valuable lesson.  He’s learned how much effort it takes to write a screenplay.   Which is important, because some writers never learn that lesson and keep scribbling out half-assed “final” drafts.  But there are still some huge lessons he must take from this.  Don’t make your plot any more complicated than it has to be – especially sci-fi plots, since you’re already asking a ton of your reader.  Remember, Star Wars, at its core, has a very simple plot.  Bad guys chase good guys.

And then, of course, John must learn the value of clarity.  Stop worrying so much about writing the perfect poetic sentence.  Instead, just convey what’s going on and why it’s going on as clearly as possible.  I don’t care about the way the asteroid vessel gleams in the distant sunlight if I don’t have the slightest clue why the hell we’re focusing on an asteroid vessel in the first place.

This skill unfortunately takes many scripts to master.  It takes most beginning screenwriters forever just to realize they’re not conveying themselves clearly.  There’s a difference between the scene in your head and the scene that’s written.  You must master the language which allows your reader to not only see what you’re seeing, but understand what you’re saying.  One of the best ways to speed this process along is to give your script to a good friend and go through it afterwards, asking them what made sense and what didn’t.  You’ll start to see patterns in where you’re being unclear, lessening the chances you’ll do it again.

I hate to do this to John but this script still isn’t up to “wasn’t for me” standards.  When, as a reader, you’re not even sure what’s happening half the time, that’s a major problem.  So unfortunately, Orbital War still gets the dubious lowest Scriptshadow rating.

Script link: Orbital War  (p.s. If you want to get the Amateur Friday scripts early, e-mail me with subject line: “EARLY”)

What I Learned: Clarity over poetry.  Poetic prose is something advanced beginners obsess over.  They think that if every sentence is perfectly written, the reader will fall in love with the script.  But when a writer favors this approach, it almost always comes at the expense of clarity.  A reader would rather read, “David ducks under Linda’s swing and crushes her nose with a stiff elbow” than, “David’s shirt echoes his acrobatic duck as the clothesline of flesh soars an inch above his head.  His shadow displays a quickness even cheetahs would envy, turning the nose of his victim into a sprinkler of crimson.”  Enough already.  Just tell us what’s f*cking happening!

Genre: Comedy
Premise: (original Twit-Pitch logline) With his favorite fast-food sandwich facing its final week before it’s phased out forever, an obsessed man leads a protest to save it.
About: For those recently joining Scriptshadow, I held a contest a few months back called “Twit-Pitch,” where anyone could pitch me their screenplay on Twitter, as long as it was contained within a single tweet.  I picked my 100 favorite loglines and read the first 10 pages of each (which I live-reviewed on Twitter), and then from those, picked the Top 20, which I’ll read the entire screenplay for.  Yesterday I thought, “What better way to kick off the reads than to review one of the finalists on Scriptshadow?”  So here we are.  Welcome…to the first entry in the Twit-Pitch Top 20!
Writer: Jerry Hernandez.
Details: 103 pages

I met today’s writer, Jerry Hernandez, AND his beautiful wife, at the Scriptshadow meet-up last week (at a bar called The Village Idiot – keep all jokes to yourself please).  Like everyone I met, he was extremely nice and fun to hang out with.  Which of course means I won’t be able to say anything bad about his script.

However, this is a competition, which means not everyone wins the gold medal.  And there were some things that worried me going into a full Gravy Train feast.  I love Jerry’s opening scene, which is why I advanced it.  But the end of the ten pages started to peter out just a little, and it had me wondering: Can Jerry extend this premise out to an entire feature-length film?  Let’s find out.

Rough-around-the-edges Middle School teacher Bronson Matas has one love in his life – Going to his favorite fast food restaurant, DJ’s, and ordering the “Gravy Train.”  Sure, the Gravy Train (a mound of turkey, gravy, bread and grease) is 4000 calories and cuts a month out of your lifespan whenever you eat one.  But dammit, isn’t that the American way?  To be able to physically watch yourself get fatter during a meal in hopes that one day you can be one of those Walmart shoppers riding around in those shopping scooters?

Bronson thinks so.

Unfortunately, DJ’s doesn’t think so.  Lawsuits from overly obese customers who somehow weren’t aware that 4000 calorie meals make you diabetes-ridden Jabba the Hut clones, have destroyed store margins, leaving DJ’s on the brink of bankruptcy.  One of the execs has an idea though.  The Veggie Train.  Not only is it healthy, but it costs 1/4 the budget of the Gravy Train to make!

And so the unthinkable happens.  An announcement is made that The Gravy Train will be phased out.  Well this, like turkeys, just doesn’t fly with Bronson.  The Gravy Train is his f*cking LIFE!  So he grabs his best friend and roommate, Randy (who ironically hates the Gravy Train) and begins a campaign to save the sandwich.

However, things get tricky when PETA clone “Animals Are People Too” come out in droves to make sure the Gravy Train stays dead.  Bronson realizes that if his campaign is going to get noticed, he’ll have to add numbers.  So he launches a Twitter campaign that finds him…well, the exact kind of people you’d expect to find wanting to save a 4000 calorie sandwich (a bunch of losers).  

Concurrently, Bronson is trying to get with his old high school flame, Golda, who’s since gone on to create a Tia Tequila-like empire for herself, singing pop songs as deep as desert puddles.  Bronson and Golda used to make love while eating Gravy Trains, so there’s obviously a personal attachment here.  But when Golda switches allegiances and sides with the Veggie Train, Bronson will have to make the most difficult decision of his life – Love…..or sandwich.

Usually when I go back to a script I liked, I see the flaws more clearly, since I’m more concentrated on the writing than the story.  But surprisingly enough, I actually liked Ridin’ The Gravy Train’s first 10 BETTER the second time around than the first.  It’s my kind of humor.  And there was just an effortlessness to the way Hernandez wrote his pages.  One of the most powerful tools a writer can possess is the ability to make a screenplay not seem like a screenplay, but rather real life happening before our eyes.  And I felt that during those first ten.

But things did start to get bumpy after those initial pages, some of which had to do with the thin premise and some of which had to do with the hero himself.  First of all, I’m not sure we like Bronson.  That’s not to say we NEED to like the lead in a comedy script.  The funnier a character is, the more we’ll put up with.  And Bronson is funny.  But he’s just such a loser and is so selfish and so mean-spirited, I had a hard time rooting for the guy.

In fact, Bronson gets more unlikable as the script goes on.  He becomes more selfish (never once listens to his friends and only looks out for his own interests), more angry (thinks all his students are idiots and treats them like shit) and consistently acts like a loser (his only real goal besides saving the sandwich is getting high).

And I understand it’s a delicate line.  A lot of humor can be mined from anger/cruelty/selfishness.  Look no further than Bill Murray in Groundhog Day.  But I think that character is the exception to the rule.  Most heroes, particularly when they’re not yet embodied by an actor America’s familiar with, need at least one thing to make us like them.  Because if we like them, we want to root for them.  I’m not sure what that trait needs to be with Bronson, but I’m pretty sure he needs it.

Another issue was the structure.  The Gravy Train sandwich is eliminated from the menu about 12 pages into the script.  However, after another 12 pages, it’s put back on the menu, and we go from “Gravy Train is gone” to “Gravy Train is back for a month and gets a farewell tour.”  I don’t think Jerry meant for it to come off this way, but it felt like the plot was stalling.  It was a weak development, since both issues were essentially the same.  Why not have him come in the first time and learn that the Gravy Train is starting its farewell tour?  Then you’re not wasting 12 pages.  It’s not a huge deal, but in a script where people are going in questioning the premises’ legs, it looks bad when you’re already repeating similar plot developments in the first act.

The last couple of issues I had were motivation-based.  I wasn’t sure why the bad guys wanted to eliminate the Gravy Train so badly.  Yeah, there’s the cost-cutting thing, but that was a throwaway line.  These guys are fighting our hero tooth-and-nail throughout the screenplay to eliminate this sandwich.  If I’m not sure why they’re doing it, then the conflict between them and Bronson feels manufactured.  Why not make it so a new evil Vegan CEO takes over the company, and it’s his idea to turn the franchise vegan.  I’m not sure a Vegan villain has been done before, so that could be kind of funny.

The other motivation issue was the road trip.  I’m not sure why we went on it.  Yeah, it was a way to introduce some entertaining set pieces (I particularly liked the Anti-Mexican Infestation Militia – self-proclaimed protectors of the Border), but I wasn’t clear on why the characters didn’t just stay in LA.  It felt like they would’ve gotten a lot more publicity there.  Maybe if, say, they realized they needed to drive to the company headquarters in Omaha to make a real impression, that would’ve made sense.  But the way it came off in the script was, “Let’s go on a road trip.” “Why?” “Because I want to.”

Now all of this might seem like nitpicking, but motivation is actually very important in comedy.  If we’re not convinced that the characters need or desperately want to do what they’re doing, then the situations aren’t nearly as funny.  For example, in Bridesmaids, when Annie and Helen are trying to out-toast each other at the wedding shower, that scene doesn’t work unless we know how deeply each one wants to prove that they’re Lillian’s best friend.  Without that motivation, they’re just two characters on a stage goofing off.  So you want to make sure motivation is always strong in a comedy.

Having said all of that, Jerry’s a good writer and this script has some great moments.  The character of Courtney Langdon, an overtly angry FBI agent who’s torn between his love of the Gravy Train and his duty to the FBI, was a highlight.  In fact, there was never a moment during this read where I didn’t have a smile on my face.  I’m just stuck wondering if there’s enough of a story here to carry an entire movie.  Either way, I’ll be looking forward to Jerry’s next!

Script Link: Ridin The Gravy Train

[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I Learned: The title of Jerry’s document is “RTGTNicholl,” which I assume means this is his Nicholl draft.  Here’s a tip folks.  Never submit a comedy to Nicholl unless you’re doing something TOTALLY ORIGINAL with the script.  Tell your story backwards, out of sequence, in a made-up language, in the first person, whatever.  But I have never, in all the years Nicholl’s been running, seen a traditional comedy win.  They’re just not comedy-friendly over there.