Genre: Thriller
Premise: A cop steals and publishes a serial killer’s unpublished manuscript while in the process of trying to take him down.
About: This script hasn’t sold. It hit the tracking boards recently and has been generating some buzz. I was told to check it out so here I am, checking it out. I’ve been informed that Corson has written a couple of novels and has a couple of small feature/TV credits.
Writer: Ian Corson
Details: 109 pages

Hmmmm…..

That’s usually not a good sign. When I start a review with a sound as opposed to a word. But I’m not going to mince adjectives here. This script was frustrating. And strange. And baffling. And kind of made me want to shoot myself.

I will say this – I encourage you guys to take chances, to do things that haven’t been done before. And I’ll give Corson this. He’s written a story I’ve never seen before and probably never will again. But here’s the thing about chances. They don’t always pan out. That’s why they’re chances. But I still admire Corson for trying something different.

I should point out that I knew nothing about The Falling Man going in, which was probably part of the problem. Cause you know what? It started out pretty cool.

Richard Einhorn, a slow-talking serial killer who doesn’t just kill his victims, but turns them into elaborate death art, has schlepped his latest victim out to the middle of the desert. The kind of place where no one can hear you scream. In fact, Einhorn proves this by screaming FOR the victim. Nope. No help. She’s fucked.

However, somehow, our victim escapes. And when she gets to the police (who’ve been looking for this guy for awhile) and tells them all about Richard, they’re able to locate him. It turns out he’s a well-known sculptor in the area. Well now he’s going to be a well-known sex toy for a guy named Bubba. 

This is when we meet our hero, 46 year old LAPD detective Douglas Reese. Things aren’t going well for Reese. Outside of the basic issues that come with trying to raise a family on a detective’s salary, Reese is about to lose his house. The dude needs money.

Well he’s going to get it. In the oddest way imaginable. While roaming through Einhorn’s creepy artist-style loft, he finds a jump drive, and when he plugs it into his laptop later that night, he finds an entire manuscript, written by Einhorn, about being a serial killer. And it’s great!

So what does Reese do? He publishes it of course! As someone pointed out on my Twitter feed, about two hours later, his book is on the NY Times Best Seller List, a few spots above FABULICIOUS, Teresa Giudice’s cookbook.

In the meantime, our serial killer is now in jail, awaiting trial, which is surprisingly where he stays for most of the second act. Luckily, his lawyer’s able to get him out on a technicality just in time for Act 3, where Einhorn decides to take revenge on Reese, not for stealing his book, but for misplacing a sculpture of his?

Oh boy. Okay.

While there are little sections here and there in Falling Man that have potential, none of them ever come together in a cohesive way, and all of that begins with the confused premise. The second Reese decides to publish a book in what was, up until that point, a serial killer movie, I was like, “Uhhh, whaaat!!!???” It was just so….weird. I mean there were so many things wrong with it, I don’t know where to start.

Let’s start with the placement of the found manuscript and subsequent publishing. It happens at about the middle of the screenplay. Which means that midway through the movie, Falling Man turns into a completely different story. If you wanted this to be about a cop stealing and publishing a man’s manuscript, you need to make that plot point happen at the end of the first act. That’s your hook so that needs to be the central journey of the story. Put it on page 60 and you’re just going to get a lot of confused people going, “Wait, but…I thought this was about a serial killer.”

Next, the serial killer in the movie GETS LOCKED UP FOR THE MAJORITY OF THE MOVIE. Which means he’s harmless. Which means “where’s the tension and danger in the story?” The main source of all your conflict is rendered impotent. Yeah, Hannibal’s behind bars in Lambs, but Hannibal isn’t the serial killer they’re chasing in that movie. It’s just such a strange choice.

Next, Einhorn isn’t even bothered by the fact that Reese has stolen his book. In fact, the biggest hook in the story really has nothing to do with the story! What I mean by that is, there isn’t anything in the book that, say, helps them take down Einhorn, or helps them profile him or beat him. Reese is never in any danger from Einhorn regarding the book because Einhorn doesn’t care!

Let me give you another scenario where the book plot could’ve been more interesting. Reese and crew raid a guy’s loft who they think is the killer. They end up shooting him, putting him in a coma (or on life support). Afterwards, Reese finds an unpublished manuscript in the guy’s place. He sneaks it home and it turns out to be great. He gets a call later. The suspect isn’t going to make it. He’s brain dead.

So, of course, Reese decides to publish the manuscript. In the next few months, Reese becomes sort of a heroic figure for taking this killer down, and his book goes to the top of the charts as a result. He’s America’s hero. Then the unthinkable happens. The suspect is coming out of his coma. He’s going to make it. Even worse, they find out he’s NOT the killer. He’s the wrong guy and the real killer is still out there.

Now that’s off the top of my head but already you have some juicy conflict to play with. Maybe, in order to keep his fame and name, Reese plans to discreetly slip into the hospital and kill the author before he finds out what Reese has done. In this scenario, Reese has WAY MORE to lose. That was my big problem with the current scenario. It never seemed like Reese had anything to lose! Einhorn never threatened to tell anyone Reese had stolen his manuscript, and nobody would believe him anyway! So what was the point of the whole thing??

I don’t know. This script was just all over the place for me. It needed way more focus and a complete restructuring.

[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

WHAT I LEARNED: Whatever story-related problems your hero is going through, try to also give him some REAL-LIFE problems. Your hero should be facing adversity from every angle. So Reese isn’t JUST having to deal with this psycho serial killer turning people into art popsicles. He’s the victim of one of these adjustable rate mortgage scenarios and is therefore in danger of losing his home. There’s something relatable about these real-life issues that add authenticity and depth to a character, so use them where you can.

 WHAT I LEARNED 2: Some ideas just don’t gel together. Unfortunately, there’s no cut and dry way to weigh this. It’s subjective. But if two ideas don’t sound right together, they probably aren’t. So here, we have a serial killer story about a detective who gets rich off the serial killer’s unpublished manuscript. I don’t know. Those two things just don’t organically fit together in my opinion. Something feels off about them. And that’s why I felt this script was constantly fighting against itself.

Genre: Dramedy (Romantic Dramedy)
Premise: On the brink of suicide, a washed up alcoholic A&R man hears an amazing song by an unknown singer and asks her to make an album with him.
About: John Carney is best known as the writer/director of Once. Before Once, Carney struggled mightily to get his scripts read in Hollywood. He said the most frustrating thing about hawking your scripts was that everyone would try to pigeonhole them into a genre. “There isn’t enough comedy in this to be a romantic comedy,” they’d say. Or “There aren’t enough thrills in this for it to be a true thriller.” He got so sick of everyone trying to label his scripts into one specific area, that he wrote Once – a movie he knew nobody could categorize or try to fit into something. I’d say the strategy worked out well. Right now, “Can A Song Save Your Life,” is in pre-production and appears to be starring Mark Ruffalo and Scarlett Johannsen.
Writer: John Carney
Details: 135 pages

It’s been awhile since we’ve seen John Carney. I don’t know what he’s been doing since the crowd-pleasing “Once” but it seems like he should’ve directed something by now. Maybe it’s because a movie like “Once” doesn’t scream out to anyone, “Great director!”

But the thing you have to remember about Once is that it was anchored by two non-actors. And someone had to get the performances out of those actors – one of the most important jobs a director has. So the fact that Carney was able to get those two to convey a believable love story, when we’re usually subject to the most non-believable love-stories imaginable (anybody catch Ashton and Portman in No Strings Attached?), says something.

Also, in case some of you don’t know, Carney is attached to direct my number one script – Dogs of Babel. So I have no choice but to get behind the guy and tell him to start making movies again. We’ve waited long enough, John!

And this looks like a logical step. I mean, when you hear that the director of Once is directing something called, “Can A Song Save Your Life,” you think, “Oh yeah, that makes sense.” If anyone knows music and movies, it’s Mr. Carney!

Our hero, Dan, is basically Jerry Maguire 10 years down the road had Jerry never written that “mission statement.” He was at the top of his game in his early 30s, signing brilliant artists to his record label left and right.

But times they have been a’changin. Dan’s 40 now (but looks 50), is divorced, has a teenage daughter (Violet) who dresses like a hooker, and hasn’t signed a good band in a decade. Oh, he’s also an alcoholic, with a problem so severe that he sold his share of his company basically for drinking money.

Things have gotten so bad, in fact, that Dan’s ready to end it. He heads down to the local subway station with plans to jump in front of a train, but right before the train shows, it’s announced that there will be a 20 minute delay. Dan can’t even commit suicide right!

Dan decides to have a drink in the meantime and hops up to a local bar. That’s when he hears Gretta. Gretta’s one of those artists so obsessed with not selling out, that she goes to the other extreme, trying to look as dumpy and “non sellout’ish” as possible. Despite that though, there’s something raw and real and magical about her. When she sings, you feel her pain. Dan especially.

Afterwards, he gives her his card, for which she’s rightfully skeptical. This man looks like he’s drunk and homeless (which he basically is). But after putting on the charm, he convinces Gretta to meet with him and talk about her music.

When the two can’t convince Dan’s partner that she’s anything special, they decide to get creative. Instead of finding a crap ton of money to rent a studio, they’ll record Gretta’s album OUTSIDE throughout New York, with real New York sounds in the background – real ambience.

The experience is nothing short of life-changing for both of them. Mark’s relationship with his ex-wife and daughter improves tremendously, and Gretta is finally able to tackle some big issues with her ex-boyfriend. But when they finally finish the album, Dan and Gretta will have to figure out one last thing – who they are to each other.

First of all, let’s call this what it is. It’s Once on steroids. There are a LOT of similarities between the two stories. Two struggling down on their luck people. Both hurt badly by previous relationships. Music steps in to soothe a lot of the pain. The relationship between those two people becomes caught somewhere between friendship and love.

The difference here is that Can A Song Save Your Life is a better screenplay. I would go so far as to say it’s a WAY better screenplay. Carney has a surprising penchant for repeatedly avoiding the obvious choice, which always keeps you guessing where the story’s going to go. For example, early on, when we meet Gretta, Carney does something I tell writers NEVER to do. He jumps into an extensive flashback, chronicling Gretta’s previous relationship and how she got to this point. At first I thought…NOOOOOOO. Why break into a flashback that has the potential to destroy all the momentum your story’s established?

But as the flashback went on, I found Gretta’s past storyline just as interesting as Dan’s present storyline. When it was all over and we rejoined Dan’s life, I was WAY more interested in what would happen between him and Gretta due to knowing so much about Gretta’s past.

I’d still advise against doing this (it’s a big reason why this script is 135 pages long) but Carney found a way to make it work. And it was weird unexpected choices like this that set “Song” apart.

I was surprised by Carney’s strong dialogue as well. I guess I thought that Once didn’t have a script. That the characters sort of improvised their lines. So I was skeptical of Carney being able to write good dialogue. But a lot of his dialogue was both funny and clever.

For example, in a scene where Dan is just finding out that his daughter, Violet, is seeing a psychiatrist, he angrily replies. “You’re fourteen. You don’t need a psychiatrist. Believe me. I know. I know you better than anyone.” Violet: “I’m fifteen.”

Or later, when Gretta is giving boy advice to Violet, who’s trying to get a boy to notice her. Gretta tells her to ignore him and he’ll come around. Violet responds: ““How can you get someone to notice you’re ignoring them, if they’re ignoring you?” Ahhhh! So true!

Or just the way he sees the world. There’s a sequence centering around a headphone “splitter” which allows two people to walk around town listening to the same ipod. Dan opines, “I hate listening to headphones on my own. I feel cut off. But you do it with someone else, and it’s a lot of fun. It’s like you’re plugged into the same, private vibe; but just the two of you, against the whole world. –I wanna try this with someone!

And it just goes to show HOW MUCH John Carney loves music. I mean you can feel his passion for it on every page. And that makes a HUGE difference, believe me. When a writer is passionate about something, they will go to the ends of the earth to make sure every single period is just right. And I got that sense here.

On the ‘not so good’ side, the script IS long. I mean, come on, this could easily be cut with a little discipline. There’s a character – Steve – for example, a friend Gretta stays with after her boyfriend leaves her, who seems to offer no inherent value to the story. I couldn’t figure out what he was doing there. Get rid of him and 7-8 pages are gone right there.

And maybe try to cut down those backstory flashbacks. You can still include them – but you don’t have to include every little detail. You can offload some of it into the present-day dialogue.

But in the end, this script really works, and I think what sets it apart most is the characters. You just like all these people. You want all these people to succeed. If you have that going for you, the story doesn’t even have to be that great. But the thing with “Song” is that the story kicks ass too. Can’t wait to see what Carney does with this.

[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[xx] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

 What I learned: The “wait for the call” device is a nice little device to keep an audience turning the pages. Here, Gretta anxiously waits half the screenplay for her ex-boyfriend to come to his senses and call her. The device was aslo popularly used in Swingers (Mikey waiting for his ex to call) and recently in the Reese Witherspoon unproduced project, “Rule #1,” where she believes her ex will come around and call her. Because the stakes are so high (we establish how much the call means to the characters), we just HAVE to stick around to see if those people will call or not. A cheap device but very effective!

Genre: Comedy
Premise: Two rival North Carolina politicians with congressional aspirations tangle with one another.
About: Dogfight also went by the title “Rivals” and has been changed, once again, to “The Campaign,” which is the final title for the film. Writer Chris Henchy has been around forever. He wrote Land of the Lost and The Other Guys. But he’s also produced a ton of stuff, including Eastbound and Down, Entourage, and Spin City. He’s also one of the creators of “Funny Or Die.” And I don’t want to turn this into PerezHilton.com, but it should at least be mentioned that Chris is married to Brooke Shields. I know less about co-writer Shawn Harwell, but it looks like he was a writer on Eastbound and Down who Henchy took a liking too. Today’s script is the result of that hookup. Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis star.
Writers: Chris Henchy and Shawn Harwell
Details: 117 pages – first draft

I’m not sure how I feel about Henchy. I think the man is pretty hilarious, which is the biggest prerequisite to writing comedy. But I’m surprised that someone who’s been in the business so long lacks some of the most basic storytelling skills. The Other Guys had some great ROTFL scenes. But the story was almost incomprehensible, and the movie felt like it was 30 minutes too long, with endless scenes that had very little, if anything, to do with pushing the story along. That’s one of the first things they teach you in screenwriting – Only write a scene if it pushes the story forward.

Comedy’s the one genre where you get a little leniency in this area only because if you have a really hilarious scene, the reader’s going to forgive you if it’s not the most plot-relevant in the world. But when you start putting three, four, five, or six of those scenes in a script, they can just obliterate the story’s momentum, and that’s what happened to The Other Guys. The movie was funny. But it could’ve been a freaking classic had someone with story sense came in and said, “Dude, we need to get rid of a dozen of these scenes and tighten up the financial plot.” Any good movie leaves you wanting more. The Other Guys felt like the drunk couple who stayed at your house an hour after the party was over.

Dogfight has a lot in common with that film. It’s two guys squabbling with each other for two hours. But did we at least get more of a story here? Or are we back to square 1 with a bunch of comedy sketches loosely held together by a campaign plot? I’m not sure we’ll find the answer today as this is a first draft. However, a lot of the moments in this script are in the trailer, so it’s probably pretty close to the final film.

40-something Cam Brady is a Republican congressman who can do no wrong. Every election, he runs unopposed because everyone knows they have no shot against him (when you have a slogan as powerful as “America! Jesus! Freedom!” who’s going to stop you?). This lack of competition, unfortunately, has gone to Cam’s head. He doesn’t take his job seriously unless it involves the numerous perks that come with it – including getting head from political groupies.

Things are going so good, in fact, that Cam is being seriously considered as the next vice-president of the United States. That is until he incorrectly dials one of his many lady friends and leaves a drunk message on a Jesus-loving family’s answering machine that amounts to telling the “woman” that tonight they’re going to get into some serious ass play. The Jesus-loving family is mortified and pretty soon Cam’s voicemail is all over the internet.

The highly influential political brothers known as the Motches are tired of this dingbat giving their party a bad name and decide to find someone new to take Cam’s place. It seems like every politician they know who would actually give Cam a run for his money is in jail, though, except for a man named Marty Huggins. Huggins’ biggest asset is that he comes from a very powerful political family. The only problem is that Huggins is a big weirdo. He spends almost all of his time on a Pug message board aggressively defending his stance on Pugs. No problem, say the Motches. They’ll just bring in Tim Wattley, the best campaign runner in America, and also Seinfeld’s dentist.

Tim quickly whips the impressionable Huggins into shape. Gone is the weirdness, which is replaced by a cold-hearted desire to win at all costs. Marty Huggins is now a machine. And he will take down Cam in any way possible.

Naturally, this results in a lot of seriously intense debates (one that ends in Cam trying to punch Huggins but instead accidentally punching a baby), a lot of mud-slinging ads (one in which Huggins insists that Cam is dead and therefore there’s no reason to vote for him) and the obligatory “bill subplot” whereby Huggins realizes he’s being used as a pawn by the Motches to pass a bill that will allow the U.S. to build businesses on sacred landmarks such as the Grand Canyon.

So does this result in a funny script? Wellllll…yes and no. Mainly no. But yes sometimes. Particularly in the first act. And this is usually the case when writing a first draft. You tend to have a solid understanding of those first 30 pages, whereas anything beyond that gets kind of murky.

The setup of these two characters is perfect. Cam’s infamous voice mail message is hilarious. But even better is how he tries to get out of it. “We need to do something about these messages” he proclaims to a blood-thirsty media. “But YOU did it,” they point out. “YOU left the message.” “This is just absolutely unacceptable on Capital Hill, in our towns, our homes! You hear me! I’m saying heads need to roll!” “Congressman, you’re yelling at us! Once again, you’re the one who made the call.”

The setup of Huggins is equally hilarious. I loved his obsession with Pugs (he dons a shirt that reads, “Pugs not drugs.”). I loved his God-fearing home-schooled family. His awkward relationship with his doting wife, who he hasn’t had sex with in eight months because he needs to stay focused. And when Tim comes in to get Huggins transformed, scripting his every move in the race – the screenplay is poppin.

But then the rails fall off. The second act is sooooooo repetitive. We get about 16 scenes that are exactly the same. Cam’s arrogance continues to undo him in the debates. Huggins and Tim effortlessly make Cam look like an idiot every time out, gaining points in the polls each time. There are literally NO surprises. It’s just a version of that same scene OVER and OVER again.

It’s hard to make something funny if we’ve just seen six variations of it in a row. Something different needed to be done here, and it never was. To me, that was the script’s undoing.

Now there’s a kind of funny twist near the end where (spoiler) Cam has sex with Huggins’ wife, but since Huggins doesn’t even care (or react really), that desperately needed reversal of power (or ANYTHING to mix things up) never comes.

The final act revolves around “the bill” and when that happens the story regains some needed focus (we even get a funny scene where the two candidates ban together to make the public aware of the bill – since the candidates aren’t mud-slinging or bitching at each other, however, everyone just becomes bored and pissed off at them) but that second act is so redundant that we’ve sort of already checked out.

All in all, I guess I’m disappointed. I think these writers lean too hard on “We have Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis. Let them do their thing and we’ll be good.” I think if you’re lucky enough to have those actors attached to your project, you should write your script like you don’t. Write it like you have two guys who you have no idea if they’ll be able to pull it off. Make the story amazing. Make every scene count. Try! I’m not sure we’re getting 100% here and that’s a shame. ☹

[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] made me blush

What I learned: The repetitive second act. Danger Will Robinson, danger! If scenes are essentially doing the same thing over and over again (debate scenes that show Cam doing bad and Huggins doing good): that’s bad. Things need to evolve, change, twist, reverse. The second act is the longest act in your screenplay so the last thing you want is to fall into a rhythm of repetition. It might’ve been cool to see Cam hire his own shark, a guy even slimier than Tim, and watch Cam get control of the race again, just to mix things up. Or just…ANYTHING that mixed things up. The same for too long can quickly kill a script.

Update: This is your last chance to get a script to these guys.  So far, they’ve been getting a lot of films with female leads, but they’ve decided they’re specifically looking for a MALE lead 25-50 years old, multi-dimensional with some fatal flaw. Middle-aged washed-up struggling man going through a mid-life crisis like Lester in American Beauty, Miles from Sideways or Jack from Fight Club. Also think any Dan Fogelman script. If you have something like this, definitely send it to these guys!

Original Post:

As Scriptshadow continues to evolve, one of the things I want to start doing more of is giving writers more opportunities to break in.  Well, here’s one of those opportunities!

I recently met an indie producer who’s looking to break into the business with his first film.  He’s looking for a low-budget dramedy in the vein of American Beauty, Little Miss Sunshine, Sideways or Crazy, Stupid, Love. On the wider range, any low-budget Sundance style drama or comedy might be of interest. The budget will probably be somewhere between 500k – 1m and he has between 20k – 50k to spend on a script.  This is a very unique opportunity since, as you all know, selling a dramedy/indie-type script through traditional Hollywood outlets is almost unheard of.  The producer would like to jump into pre-production as soon as possible, so it’s a good chance to get a movie made and have an actual produced credit on your resume. Anybody can submit, even if you’re repped and have sold scripts before.  The producing team just wants to find a great script.

If you’re interested, send a PDF of your script along with your TITLE, LOGLINE, and a 2-3 page SYNOPSIS, to artrebelproductions@ymail.com.

Good luck everybody!!!

Amateur Friday Submission Process: To submit your script for an Amateur Review, send in a PDF of your script, a PDF of the first ten pages of your script, your title, genre, logline, and finally, why I should read your script. Use my submission address please: Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Your script and “first ten” will be posted. If you’re nervous about the effect of a bad review, feel free to use an alias name and/or title. It’s a good idea to resubmit every couple of weeks so your submission stays near the top. 

Genre: Comedy
Premise: After learning that his family is leaving the town he grew up in, a heartbroken 13 year-old boy convinces his best friends to go trick-or-treating one last time in a daring attempt to break their town’s unbreakable trick-or-treating record and become legends. Writer: Eric Gegenheimer
Details: 109 pages

Okay, full disclosure here. I GREW UP in the town where today’s script is set! Oak Park, Illinois. As a result, I had a rather personal experience with the material. Everything Eric talked about, I knew. Lake Street? Walked it every day. Razzle Dazzle Costumes on the Oak Park Mall? That’s where I bought MY Halloween costume!

Needless to say, this was like walking down Nostalgia Lane. But even if I hadn’t grown up in Oak Park, I’d still be impressed, as it’s rare an amateur script is the best of the week – especially when the competition includes Alexander Payne, an Academy Award winner!

But that’s what happens when you write a smart, funny, heartfelt comedy.

Best Friends Forever, appropriately, introduces us to four best friends in the year 1987. There’s the “leader” and our protagonist, Daniel. There’s the “stud” of the group, Devin. There’s the “nerd” of the group, Will. And there’s the eternally quiet fourth member, Brian.

These four 13 year olds are in their last year of Junior High and things are starting to change for them, especially Devin, who’s pulling away in favor of going to parties and meeting girls. But the real change occurs when Daniel’s parents hit him with some shocking news – the family is moving in two weeks. His father got a job in another city.

Daniel is destroyed. He’s about to lose his friends forever. But after a little pouting, he’s inspired by a wild idea. The best times he and his friends had were during Halloween. What if they all went on one last trick-or-treating jaunt? And not only that, what if they tried to beat the 20 year old Oak Park Trick or Treat record?!

Naturally, his friends (who don’t yet know he’s moving) are skeptical. They’re 13 years old! 13 year olds aren’t supposed to trick-or-treat. Devin, especially, is against it. Trick or treating is SOOO not cool. But after a desperate plea, they reluctantly get on board. 

We meet a few more players in the meantime. There’s, of course, classic 80s bully Carter Burke. All he cares about is humiliating nerds like Daniel and his gang, and after Daniel’s father embarrasses him, he’s really got it in for Daniel. Then there’s my favorite character – maybe ever – Miles Fisher. He’s four foot five and 68 pounds, loves Star Wars, and is king of the nerds. He’s also arrogant as f#$% (“While my fellow academics may turn their noses up at the thought of asking for candy, I find the rituals of Halloween quite rewarding.”) He may not be Carter Burke, but he makes things just as difficult for our heroes, especially Will, who he tortures relentlessly. Fisher is one of those characters who if Best Friends Forever ever got made, he’d become a cinematic icon.

The rest of the story is pretty simple. The group zips around Oak Park (and River Forest, our sister community – yes, Chicago’s suburb planners had a creepy hard-on for trees) trying to get enough candy to beat the record, running into a bunch of obstacles along the way. There aren’t many surprises or twists here – which is okay, since Eric keeps the screenplay focused squarely on the characters.

My initial thoughts after reading “Best Friends Forever?” Warm and fuzzy. Eric incorporates into his screenplay something so few comedies do these days – heart. And it leaves you with a richer more fulfilling experience at the end.

That and he has a unique ability to capture familiar moments that we all remember so well. For instance, there are a ton of lines like this one: “Allison’s friends giggle in that teenage girl way where it’s impossible to tell if they’re being cute or cruel.” Seriously, right!!?? If you can make a reader identify with enough moments in your script, they’re going to give themselves to your story. Eric is a master at this.

He also does a great job putting you in the time period. I read a lot of “period” scripts where the writer gives us no visual cues of what time period we’re in. It might as well be the present. The costumes the boys wear alone (Ghostbusters, Marty McFly, The Cure) let us know exactly where we are. But there are plenty of other hilarious 80s references that continue to remind us.

But where Eric really excels is in his character development. The very first scene – a sleepover between the four friends – shows us how much these guys mean to each other. We have them arguing over what movie to watch on cable (the focus being on nudity), telling scary stories, reading comic books, sleeping in sleeping bags. After that scene, you know these four are BFF, so when we find out Daniel is moving, it’s sort of devastating. It leaves an undercurrent of sadness to their pursuit that adds a layer of depth I don’t usually see in these scripts. And that’s the way it should be. We should feel some sort of conflict in the characters’ pursuit if you want to connect with the reader.

But it ain’t all reeses peanut butter cups and 100 grand bars. There are a few apples and candy corn packets in here that keep this trick or treat bag from winning the grand prize.

Simply put, the whole “trick or treat contest” was confusing. They were trying to beat this famous trick or treater, but I didn’t understand any of the rules. Were they going to combine all their candy? If so, isn’t that kind of cheating? And I’m not saying cheating is the worst thing in this scenario but because nobody monitors this contest, “honestly” beating the champ is really all you’ve got. If you know you didn’t really win, what’s the point?

There’s also something about a “stamp card” (houses stamping your card to prove that you trick or treated) that I didn’t understand and had never heard of before. It was another unclear rule in a contest full of them.

Also, a ton of emphasis is put on this former champ, a kid who, in order to get the record, ditched school at lunch so he could start trick or treating early. Yet our friends start trick or treating four hours later and somehow still beat the record?? Not only that, but they get involved in a number of diversions that steal big chunks out of their 3 hour trick or treat time. In my estimation, they trick or treated for maybe 90 minutes total. And they still won? This is why I was wondering – did they pool their candy together? Was that always the plan or did they come up with that at the last second?

And on top of all this, there’s this sort of leisurely pace they set for trick or treating. They never seemed in a hurry. It just didn’t seem like a group of kids who had to work their ass off to get the record. And the reason this is a big deal is because this is the PLOT OF THE MOVIE. The movie is about a group of kids trying to break a record! So if you don’t convince us that your characters are doing everything possible to break it, how can I be satisfied when it’s over?

I told Eric he needs his characters to ditch school at lunch just like the former champ. And to just create more of a sense of urgency.

There were a few other things that bothered me. I thought the haunted house set piece was a collosol waste of time. It was one of those classic sequences us writers convince ourselves works because there’s a lot happening. But because it didn’t have anything to do with anything else in the movie (resulting in rock bottom stakes), it just sat there like a giant rotting potato.

Also, the fourth friend, Brian, needs to be re-written. He doesn’t say anything ever. And what do I tell you guys about characters who don’t talk? They disappear on the page. And that’s exactly what happened here. Okay, he’s quiet. That’s what makes him different. But that just doesn’t work in screenplays. Whenever he came up, I was like, “Who is he again?” I might just ditch this character altogether.

BUT, like I said – the character work with almost everyone else was top notch. Daniel’s storyline about moving was powerful. Devin’s obsession with girls worked well. Will’s nerdy battle with Fisher was top-notch. And Carter and his goons were great.

I think this script needs to be clarified from a plot point-of-view. But character-wise, it’s light years better than most of the amateur scripts I read.

Script link: Best Friends Forever

[ ] what the hell did I just read?
[ ] not for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

 What I learned: Don’t use words that misrepresent the moment. There’s a scene early on where Carter corners Daniel at school. This is what Eric writes: “Daniel’s eyes drop. He’s suddenly incredibly interested in the tile pattern on the floor.” While we understand the meaning of the sentence after we read it, the words “incredibly interested” conflict with the tone the moment is supposed to represent. The idea is to show that Daniel is scared. “Incredibly interested” doesn’t convey that. So the sentence initially reads confusing. I would go with something simple like, “Daniel’s eyes drop to the floor.” Or, “Terrified, Daniel’s eyes shoot to the floor.” Make sure the words in your sentences properly represent the moment!