Genre: Dark Comedy
Premise: Two royally screwed up roommates secretly in love with each other throw a massive Jim Jones party on the eve of their suicide.
About: This was Joshua James’ first screenplay, which has been optioned on two occasions and has gotten him numerous writing jobs around town, including an adaptation of the book, DOWN & DIRTY PICTURES. Although he’s moved mainly into thrillers (He’s working on “A Black Heart” with Captivate Ent. and “Block Island” with Adler-Grey), The Jones Party is a favorite of his which he’d like to see made one day. James has his own blog where he ruminates on screenwriting whenever he gets a chance.
Writer: Joshua James
Details: 106 pages (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).

One of the things I tell new writers is to just write that first script and get it out of the way. Cause it’s going to be bad. Actually, I’m being generous. It’s going to be terrible. That’s not something to get discouraged by though. It should be freeing. It means you get to go crazy, experiment, have fun, and enjoy the high of writing without consequences. Well not so fast, Carson. While the club is limited, there are writers out there who have thrived on their first script, and Joshua James is one of them. True, he’s rewritten it to death over the years, but The Jones Party is his first foray into the craft.

33 year old Derwin is one of those people who just oozes cool, who oozes nonchalance. Volleyball-sized meteor chunks could be raining down around him and he’d still find time to smoke a cigarette and ask you how your day went.

Hope is the polar opposite. Young and pretty, she’s got Woody Allen’s neuroses and Russell Crowe’s temperament. She’s strange and fleeting and bi-polar and moody. It’d take her a couple of minutes just to find and light the cigarette, much less smoke it.

I guess that’s what makes them perfect roommates. Their weaknesses are the other’s…non-weaknesses. I wouldn’t say strengths because I don’t know that they have any strengths. Sure, Derwin is cool, but he’s so emotionless and detached. And Hope? Well, a good day to her is just making it to the finish line.

Which might explain why they’ve decided to kill themselves. But being that they’re Derwin and Hope, they’re doing it in style. Instead of just hopping in the car and letting the exhaust take them to happy land, they’re executing a Jim Jones style “End Of The World” party. You know Jim Jones. That crazy religious dude who convinced 900 people to kill themselves with him so they could get into heaven through the back door or something?

Yeah, so Derwin and Hope invite anybody and everyone who wants to terminate their policy early to come over for one rockin party where there are no rules, no consequences, nothing to do but drink, get high, and have sex. Then, at 5 a.m., they drink some specially spiked Kool-Aid, and call it a life. With a lot of people out there sick of the way the big blue marble has treated them, let’s just say the party is a lively ticket.

While we bounce around from partygoer to partygoer (which includes a really clever device by James of having a “confessional” room where people just randomly rail on life), we keep coming back to Hope and Derwin. Though their relationship seemed to be so cut and dry at first, flashbacks (yes, dreaded flashbacks!) paint a more complicated picture, and we soon realize that these two are in love with each other but so afraid of emotion, of closeness, of committing to life, that they’ve been unable to admit it. So will they be able to admit it before it’s too late?

The Jones Party was a fun script and the neat thing about it is that it feels very much like a first screenplay, yet one that’s been reworked through the eyes of a wily vet. What I mean by “it feels like a first screenplay” is that there’s all this emotion, all this frustration, all this dialogue, all these flashbacks, all these fun little asides. When you first start out, you want to try a lot of things and you want to scream out to everyone and let them know how YOU feel, what YOUR position on the world is. A first screenplay tends to be the bullhorn that allows you to do that.

The problem is that, normally, that’s all it is – a big bottle of opinions and emotion. There’s no structure. There’s no form. And I don’t know what the very first draft of The Jones Party looked like, but I’m willing to bet it was a lot more ranting and a lot less direction than this.

Clearly, over the years, James has learned to give his stories purpose, and the mystery of what’s going to happen to Derwin and Hope helps guide this story to a perfect climax. To be honest, I was a little worried that this was going to be Dialogue Fest 3000, just a bunch of characters telling you how they felt about the world. But the flashbacks of Derwin and Hope not only brought direction back to the screenplay, they moved the story forward.

Wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute.  How did flashbacks move the story forward? Isn’t that a paradox? Here’s how. Each flashback revealed a key piece of information about Derwin and Hope’s relationship that we didn’t know before. We thought they were just roommates. Oh wait, we find out Hope has feelings for Derwin. We think Derwin is impervious to feeling, but oh wait, we learn that he does indeed feel. These increased our appetite for an answer to the question – will Derwin and Hope realize they love each other in time to call off the suicide? It’s a powerful question. And one we desperately want answered.

And to me, that’s what really separated this script from all the wannabes – the ending. (Spoilers!) The script’s tone dictates that anything other than suicide will be a cheat. So the story is kind of handcuffed in that sense. It has only one option. Kill off its characters. Somehow, and I’m still marveling at how he did it, James managed to accomplish this but still keep his characters alive in a believable satisfying way. You’ll have to read it yourself to find out how. But I thought it was the perfect ending.

Longtime Scriptshadow readers will be quick to point out that there is no character goal (other than to kill themselves – although that’s not really a goal since it’s already pre-determined). But remember, if you don’t have a character goal driving your story, you need a compelling question in its place, and The Jones Party has one: Will Hope and Derwin get together before it’s too late? As long as we care about the answer to that question, we will stay interested the entire time. Not to mention, the time frame is so tight here (less than 8 hours) that the structure becomes focused almost by necessity.

I liked the dialogue a lot. I liked that the script got me thinking what I would do with 8 hours to go and no consequences. Always good when a script breaks that fourth wall and makes you an active participant. My complaints are few. I didn’t like the opening. It was confusing. Something happens in the closet and then Hope breaks out in a clown suit with a gun. It felt like a very “writerly” moment. In other words, I could feel the writer’s hand from above. And it led to more confusion than intrigue, at least for me.

And the only reason I don’t give this an impressive is because it’s not the kind of film that I’m personally into. Yes, it wisely peppers its story with humor. But we’re still talking about suicide here, not the kind of subject matter I typically block out my Friday nights for. In a strange way, this is a script you battle with just as much as you enjoy, and it’ll be interesting to see how people react to that.

Still, this was really solid writing, and I can totally see why it’s helped James carve out a career.

Edit: Josh has ok’d me posting the script.  Link: The Jones Party

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[ ] wasn’t for me
[xx] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: Again, if you’re going to write about something really depressing, it’s a good idea to do so from a humorous angle. If The Jones Party would’ve been a straight drama, it would have been dead (no pun intended) by page 10. It would have been a Depressing Fest, the worst kind of scripts there are. Humor is to depressing subject matter what the Iron Man suit is to Tony Stark.

Remember going to the video store with your friends back in the old days and trying to find a movie that EVERYBODY wanted to watch? Impossible right? And that was just for 4-5 people. Imagine trying to find a movie that EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD wanted to watch. That’s like trying to find the chupacabra. Or Bigfoot. Or evidence of UFOS. But believe it or not, there are a few movies out there that EVERYBODY likes. And The Princess Bride is one of them. Now I don’t know about you. But when I see a movie that everybody likes, I think to myself “screenwriting goldmine.” I mean this is the Holy Grail we’re talking about. A screenplay which has somehow managed to rope in every single person who’s seen it. If we’re not mining that puppy for secrets, then why the hell even bother with screenwriting? So, here are ten screenwriting not-so-secrets I learned from watching The Princess Bride.

LOVABLE CHARACTERS
We talk often about trying to create “likable” characters. Well look no further than these three. You will not find a more lovable group than Westley, Fezzik and Inigo Montoya. Why are they so lovable? Well, let’s take a look. The Man In Black (Westley) is loyal (will not stop until he saves his true love) respectful (will defeat but never hurt his enemy, as long as they respect back) great at everything he does (swordsman, fighter, thinker), he’s active (he pursues a goal throughout the entire movie) and funny (has a ton of hilarious one-liners – “Sleep well and dream of large women”). We love Inigo and Fezzik because they’re enslaved by a lunatic who constantly berates and reminds them how pathetic they are (creates sympathy). Fezzik is slow, giving us one more reason to root for him (underdog). We love Inigo because he not only lost his father (another sympathy vote), but he will not stop until he finds the man’s killer and avenge his death (active). If you want to learn how to build likable characters that rock the shit out of a screenplay, look no further than this movie.

BREAKS THE RULES
Remember, almost every great script breaks some of the rules. The main thing breaking the rules does is it gives your movie a level of unpredictability. If you’re deviating from the formula, then we can’t possibly predict what’s going to happen next. The two major deviations here are that the main goal (“save Princess Buttercup from her captors”) is achieved by page 35. That’s when Westley defeats the bad guys and saves his true love. This early achievement then forces The Princess Bride to reboot its story and become something else (a movie where he’s now being chased as opposed to doing the chasing). In fact, the cool thing about The Princess Bride is that the story continues to reboot itself throughout its running time. First he’s chasing, then he’s being chased, then he loses the princess, then he must get her back again. The constantly changing goals keeps Princess Bride fresh. Next, there’s no true main character. “Bride” starts out with Westley and Buttercup being the main characters, then it becomes Vizzini, Inigo, and Fezzik, then it becomes Westley again, then it becomes Inigo and Fezzik again. One thing they tell you to ALWAYS do in your screenplay is have a clear cut hero. They don’t do that here in The Princess Bride, and it ends up paying off in a big way. Now it’s important to remember that William Goldman is a master screenwriter and knows how to make this unorthodox choice work, so tread carefully if you plan to do it yourself. But still, it’s always nice to see someone deviate from the norm and have it pay off.

THE GOALS ARE IMPOSSIBLE
One of the greatest things about this movie is how difficult the writer makes each task for his heroes. Think about it. Fezzik and Inigo need to get into the castle so Inigo can kill the six-fingered man. Their only hope is to use The Man In Black to formulate a plan. So they get to the Man in Black, AND HE’S DEAD! Talk about making things difficult. And how do you storm a castle with a man who’s speaking gibberish and can’t stand on his own? Talk about difficult. Westley must defeat our villain while comatose in a bed! Talk about difficult. Each goal is made out to be so impossible, that we’re perpetually on the edge of our seats racking our brains trying to figure out how they’re going to pull it off.

THERE’S NEVER A SINGLE MOMENT WHERE THINGS ARE OKAY FOR OUR HEROES
The second your heroes are happy and content and satisfied is the second your movie is over. There should always be problems, always be conflict, always be obstacles. Westley must battle three titans to get to Buttercup. But when he finally gets to her, he’s only allowed a quick moment of happiness. Seconds later they’re being chased by Humperdink, pushed into the Fire Swamp, dodging fire spouts, quicksand, and Rodents Of Unusual Size. When they get out of the forest, they’re immediately captured, and Westley is strapped onto the deadly “Machine.” Watch this movie and you’ll find there isn’t a single minute that goes by where the heroes are okay. That’s why the movie keeps us involved. There’s danger in every moment.

URGENCY
Goldman utilizes every trick in the book to keep the pace of this story moving. In every sequence, someone is either being chased, doing the chasing, looking for someone, or needing to do something by a certain amount of time. Chasing is one of the best ways to add urgency to your story, and what makes it work so well here is that the “chaser” keeps changing. First it’s Westley, then it’s Humperdink, then it’s Fezzik and Inigo. I think if it was one person the whole time, this movie wouldn’t have been as good as it is. Also, note that when we finally get off the road, and there’s no more official “chasing,” Goldman immediately institutes a ticking time bomb to keep the urgency going, that of the wedding.

LOVE
Love seems to be at the center of a lot of popular movies. It’s one of the few things that every single person on earth can relate to. And I think it’s a big reason for The Princess Bride’s success. Now don’t mistake a “love story” for only being about a man and a woman. Morgan Freeman often talks about how The Shawshank Redemption was a love story, and I’d agree with him. Look at a few of the highest grossing films of all time. Avatar. Titanic. E.T. Casablanca. Gone With The Wind. Love is the central theme in all of those films. The Princess Bride is one of the best love stories ever made. And I don’t think it’s an accident that so many people gravitate towards it.

UNEXPECTDNESS.
What I love most about The Princess Bride is that it’s packed with unexpected moments. If a reader can predict your story, you’re dead, cause that means they’re ahead of you. And if they’re ahead of you, they’re bored. Look at all the unexpected things that happen in The Princess Bride. Our hero dies! Twice! When the Man In Black and Inigo battle, Inigo tells him he’s right handed…only to have the Man In Black tell him that he’s right handed too! Inigo spends his whole life looking for the man who killed his father, and when he finally finds him, THE GUY RUNS AWAY! Our bad guys eventually become our good guys. Our hero doesn’t fight the villain in the end. Princess Bride is one of the most surprise-packed movies ever made, which is a huge reason for why it’s so satisfying.

EVERY CHARACTER HAS INCREDIBLY STRONG MOTIVATIONS
Remember, wishy-washy motivations lead to wishy-washy characters. Usually when I read a script, one or two characters will have strong motivations, and everyone else is window dressing. Every character’s motivation in Princess Bride is rock solid. Westley wants to save Buttercup. Humperdink wants to catch and kill Westley. Vizzini wants his money for kidnapping Buttercup. Inigo wants to kill the Six-Fingered Man. Even Fezzik, who you could argue has the weakest motivation, is dedicated to helping and saving his friends. When everybody wants something? Then every scene in your movie is strong because those wants clash up against one another, creating conflict.

DIALOGUE
If you’re writing a drama that’s deftly plotted with compelling characters, you can get away with “okay” dialogue. But if you’re writing a comedy, your dialogue has to be great. Dialogue is what separates the great comedies from the average comedies. And the dialogue here is just amazing. I don’t know if there’s a more quotable movie than The Princess Bride. And it’s hard to pinpoint why the dialogue is so good, but my guess it it’s because of the characters. Goldman knew each of these characters so well, that the dialogue wrote itself. I’m not sure the dialogue is as perfect had Goldman not written the novel for The Princess Bride first, as I think that’s where he got to know these characters so well.

THE BIGGEST THING I TOOK FROM THIS
The biggest thing I took from this is the “Impossible Comeback” device that Goldman institutes again and again in The Princess Bride. Almost every character in this movie experiences a setback so severe, so crippling, that we believe there’s no chance they can ever recover from it. That way when they do, our emotional reaction is a billion times more intense than it would normally be. I mean, take Westley for example. Early in the story, he dies. And we’re devastated. Because we know that he and Buttercup can never be together again. Then we find out Westley is alive again! We’re overcome with emotion. But then Westley REALLY dies. Like we see him die. Now we REALLY know there’s no hope for him. And somehow, still, he manages to defeat the villain and save the princess. When Inigo finally finds the Six-Fingered Man, he gets a knife to his gut, and looks up to the heavens and says, “I’m sorry I failed you father.” NO! This can’t be! Inigo has failed???? After all this???? But then he overcomes his injury and wills himself to victory. It happens when Buttercup gets married (what?? She’s married?? But our hero was supposed to save her!!). It happens when Grandpa tells us that Humperdink lives (the villain LIVES?? No way! That’s not possible!). This “impossible comeback” scenario is freaking genius. I mean, sure, winning a basketball game feels great. But winning a basketball game after you’re down 20 points with 5 minutes to go is the greatest feeling in the world. To me, that’s the golden tip I take away from The Princess Bride.

Remember going to the video store with your friends back in the old days and trying to find a movie that EVERYBODY wanted to watch? Impossible right? And that was just for 4-5 people. Imagine trying to find a movie that EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD wanted to watch. That’s like trying to find the chupacabra. Or Bigfoot. Or evidence of UFOS. But believe it or not, there are a few movies out there that EVERYBODY likes. And The Princess Bride is one of them. Now I don’t know about you. But when I see a movie that everybody likes, I think to myself “screenwriting goldmine.” I mean this is the Holy Grail we’re talking about. A screenplay which has somehow managed to rope in every single person who’s seen it. If we’re not mining that puppy for secrets, then why the hell even bother with screenwriting? So, here are ten screenwriting not-so-secrets I learned from watching The Princess Bride.

LOVABLE CHARACTERS
We talk often about trying to create “likable” characters. Well look no further than these three. You will not find a more lovable group than Westley, Fezzik and Inigo Montoya. Why are they so lovable? Well, let’s take a look. The Man In Black (Westley) is loyal (will not stop until he saves his true love) respectful (will defeat but never hurt his enemy, as long as they respect back) great at everything he does (swordsman, fighter, thinker), he’s active (he pursues a goal throughout the entire movie) and funny (has a ton of hilarious one-liners – “Sleep well and dream of large women”). We love Inigo and Fezzik because they’re enslaved by a lunatic who constantly berates and reminds them how pathetic they are (creates sympathy). Fezzik is slow, giving us one more reason to root for him (underdog). We love Inigo because he not only lost his father (another sympathy vote), but he will not stop until he finds the man’s killer and avenge his death (active). If you want to learn how to build likable characters that rock the shit out of a screenplay, look no further than this movie.

BREAKS THE RULES
Remember, almost every great script breaks some of the rules. The main thing breaking the rules does is it gives your movie a level of unpredictability. If you’re deviating from the formula, then we can’t possibly predict what’s going to happen next. The two major deviations here are that the main goal (“save Princess Buttercup from her captors”) is achieved by page 35. That’s when Westley defeats the bad guys and saves his true love. This early achievement then forces The Princess Bride to reboot its story and become something else (a movie where he’s now being chased as opposed to doing the chasing). In fact, the cool thing about The Princess Bride is that the story continues to reboot itself throughout its running time. First he’s chasing, then he’s being chased, then he loses the princess, then he must get her back again. The constantly changing goals keeps Princess Bride fresh. Next, there’s no true main character. “Bride” starts out with Westley and Buttercup being the main characters, then it becomes Vizzini, Inigo, and Fezzik, then it becomes Westley again, then it becomes Inigo and Fezzik again. One thing they tell you to ALWAYS do in your screenplay is have a clear cut hero. They don’t do that here in The Princess Bride, and it ends up paying off in a big way. Now it’s important to remember that William Goldman is a master screenwriter and knows how to make this unorthodox choice work, so tread carefully if you plan to do it yourself. But still, it’s always nice to see someone deviate from the norm and have it pay off.

THE GOALS ARE IMPOSSIBLE
One of the greatest things about this movie is how difficult the writer makes each task for his heroes. Think about it. Fezzik and Inigo need to get into the castle so Inigo can kill the six-fingered man. Their only hope is to use The Man In Black to formulate a plan. So they get to the Man in Black, AND HE’S DEAD! Talk about making things difficult. And how do you storm a castle with a man who’s speaking gibberish and can’t stand on his own? Talk about difficult. Westley must defeat our villain while comatose in a bed! Talk about difficult. Each goal is made out to be so impossible, that we’re perpetually on the edge of our seats racking our brains trying to figure out how they’re going to pull it off.

THERE’S NEVER A SINGLE MOMENT WHERE THINGS ARE OKAY FOR OUR HEROES
The second your heroes are happy and content and satisfied is the second your movie is over. There should always be problems, always be conflict, always be obstacles. Westley must battle three titans to get to Buttercup. But when he finally gets to her, he’s only allowed a quick moment of happiness. Seconds later they’re being chased by Humperdink, pushed into the Fire Swamp, dodging fire spouts, quicksand, and Rodents Of Unusual Size. When they get out of the forest, they’re immediately captured, and Westley is strapped onto the deadly “Machine.” Watch this movie and you’ll find there isn’t a single minute that goes by where the heroes are okay. That’s why the movie keeps us involved. There’s danger in every moment.

URGENCY
Goldman utilizes every trick in the book to keep the pace of this story moving. In every sequence, someone is either being chased, doing the chasing, looking for someone, or needing to do something by a certain amount of time. Chasing is one of the best ways to add urgency to your story, and what makes it work so well here is that the “chaser” keeps changing. First it’s Westley, then it’s Humperdink, then it’s Fezzik and Inigo. I think if it was one person the whole time, this movie wouldn’t have been as good as it is. Also, note that when we finally get off the road, and there’s no more official “chasing,” Goldman immediately institutes a ticking time bomb to keep the urgency going, that of the wedding.

LOVE
Love seems to be at the center of a lot of popular movies. It’s one of the few things that every single person on earth can relate to. And I think it’s a big reason for The Princess Bride’s success. Now don’t mistake a “love story” for only being about a man and a woman. Morgan Freeman often talks about how The Shawshank Redemption was a love story, and I’d agree with him. Look at a few of the highest grossing films of all time. Avatar. Titanic. E.T. Casablanca. Gone With The Wind. Love is the central theme in all of those films. The Princess Bride is one of the best love stories ever made. And I don’t think it’s an accident that so many people gravitate towards it.

UNEXPECTDNESS.
What I love most about The Princess Bride is that it’s packed with unexpected moments. If a reader can predict your story, you’re dead, cause that means they’re ahead of you. And if they’re ahead of you, they’re bored. Look at all the unexpected things that happen in The Princess Bride. Our hero dies! Twice! When the Man In Black and Inigo battle, Inigo tells him he’s right handed…only to have the Man In Black tell him that he’s right handed too! Inigo spends his whole life looking for the man who killed his father, and when he finally finds him, THE GUY RUNS AWAY! Our bad guys eventually become our good guys. Our hero doesn’t fight the villain in the end. Princess Bride is one of the most surprise-packed movies ever made, which is a huge reason for why it’s so satisfying.

EVERY CHARACTER HAS INCREDIBLY STRONG MOTIVATIONS
Remember, wishy-washy motivations lead to wishy-washy characters. Usually when I read a script, one or two characters will have strong motivations, and everyone else is window dressing. Every character’s motivation in Princess Bride is rock solid. Westley wants to save Buttercup. Humperdink wants to catch and kill Westley. Vizzini wants his money for kidnapping Buttercup. Inigo wants to kill the Six-Fingered Man. Even Fezzik, who you could argue has the weakest motivation, is dedicated to helping and saving his friends. When everybody wants something? Then every scene in your movie is strong because those wants clash up against one another, creating conflict.

DIALOGUE
If you’re writing a drama that’s deftly plotted with compelling characters, you can get away with “okay” dialogue. But if you’re writing a comedy, your dialogue has to be great. Dialogue is what separates the great comedies from the average comedies. And the dialogue here is just amazing. I don’t know if there’s a more quotable movie than The Princess Bride. And it’s hard to pinpoint why the dialogue is so good, but my guess it it’s because of the characters. Goldman knew each of these characters so well, that the dialogue wrote itself. I’m not sure the dialogue is as perfect had Goldman not written the novel for The Princess Bride first, as I think that’s where he got to know these characters so well.

THE BIGGEST THING I TOOK FROM THIS
The biggest thing I took from this is the “Impossible Comeback” device that Goldman institutes again and again in The Princess Bride. Almost every character in this movie experiences a setback so severe, so crippling, that we believe there’s no chance they can ever recover from it. That way when they do, our emotional reaction is a billion times more intense than it would normally be. I mean, take Westley for example. Early in the story, he dies. And we’re devastated. Because we know that he and Buttercup can never be together again. Then we find out Westley is alive again! We’re overcome with emotion. But then Westley REALLY dies. Like we see him die. Now we REALLY know there’s no hope for him. And somehow, still, he manages to defeat the villain and save the princess. When Inigo finally finds the Six-Fingered Man, he gets a knife to his gut, and looks up to the heavens and says, “I’m sorry I failed you father.” NO! This can’t be! Inigo has failed???? After all this???? But then he overcomes his injury and wills himself to victory. It happens when Buttercup gets married (what?? She’s married?? But our hero was supposed to save her!!). It happens when Grandpa tells us that Humperdink lives (the villain LIVES?? No way! That’s not possible!). This “impossible comeback” scenario is freaking genius. I mean, sure, winning a basketball game feels great. But winning a basketball game after you’re down 20 points with 5 minutes to go is the greatest feeling in the world. To me, that’s the golden tip I take away from The Princess Bride.

Hey guys.  So I’ve been chatting with my friends over at The Tracking Board and It’s On The Grid and have set up another opportunity for you to get a nice discount on subscriptions to each.  For those who don’t know what a tracking board is, it’s a private online site that provides insider industry information. They tell you which spec scripts are being sent around town, which specs are selling, which are failing to sell, which writers are picking up assignments, which scripts are getting heat, what studios they’re getting heat at, etc. etc. As a writer, this is really valuable information. Being able to track which genres and concepts are flooding the market, and where they ultimately end up (or don’t end up), is an essential component to choosing how you want to approach the market with your own screenplay.

People often ask me how I know about all these scripts, how I choose which scripts I’m going to review, how I keep tabs on all these projects.  Well, I’m officially revealing my magic trick.  I get my info from The Tracking Board.  If you’re serious about the craft of screenwriting (or becoming an agent, manager, producer, etc), if you want to excel in not just the writing side of this business, but the selling side, it’s a good idea to join at least one tracking board. Now for the month of June, I’ve set up a deal with The Tracking Board to bring their annual rate of $79 down to $59 for Scriptshadow readers.  Make sure to go through this link below to get the discount.

Now if you’re super-serious about writing and want to take an even bigger step, you should check out It’s On The Grid, which is basically an up-to-date screenwriting version of IMDB, tracking all the projects out there in detail.  A couple of great things about It’s On The Grid are its inclusion of up-do-date open writing assignment info as well as a studio/agency style searchable database.  This is the kind of information that Hollywood has kept to itself for over 80 years.  You would not have been able to find it as an “outsider” just two years ago.  If you’re interested in The Grid, The Tracking Board has partnered up with them to give you a combo annual subscription price of $299.  However, if you sign up through Scriptshadow via the link below, you can get it for $247.  Happy gobs of new screenwriting information everyone!  I’ll be leaving this deal up through the end of the week. 

Genre: Comedy
Premise: A marginally talented tribute band finds itself magically/accidentally transported back to the year 1973 and seizes the opportunity to become actual rock stars by “stealing” the career of the group they’ve long made a living out of impersonating.
About: Okay you guys who want to submit to Amateur Friday, I expect your loglines to get a lot better after yesterday’s great discussion. Feel free to re-submit with something new and improved. —- Every Friday, I review a script from the readers of the site. If you’re interested in submitting your script for an Amateur Review, send it in PDF form, along with your title, genre, logline, and why I should read your script to Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Keep in mind your script will be posted (feel free, however, to use an alias and a fake title).
Writers: Charles Wellington and Michael Bloat
Details: 118 pages (This is an early draft of the script. The situations, characters, and plot may change significantly by the time the film is released. This is not a definitive statement about the project, but rather an analysis of this unique draft as it pertains to the craft of screenwriting).

Let me start this by reiterating a common theme that comes up during comedy reviews: this genre is subjective as hell. I bring this up because Tribute didn’t win me over in the end, but it clearly won a lot of other people over. I had a half-dozen people e-mail me during the week to tell me how much they liked this. So I want to strike a deal with you. Give this script a chance. Don’t go by my review alone. It’s rare that I get a chance to hype up an Amateur Friday screenplay and it seems like the one time everybody seems to like something, I’m the Debbie Downer. I’m the guy crapping on the parade. I’ll explain why I felt this way after the synopsis.

40-something Guy Kirshner is the lead singer of a group called “Swords of Britain,” a moderately successful tribute band celebrating the legendary hard rock group “Jabberwocky.” His group consists of guitarist and music aficionado Sean Goolsby, as well as his short and stubby drummer and bassist team, the Ramirez brothers. Guy’s one of those eternal optimists who thinks Swords of Britain’s big break is always around the next corner.

Which it kind of is. Richie Loud, the elusive and partly insane lead singer of Jabberwocky, has just been found dead, which has thrust Jabberwocky’s music back into the spotlight. Guy realizes that they’re not going to get many opportunities like this again, and convinces his band to crash Richie’s funeral to promote tonight’s gig.

However, as the band drives to the bar later, they get in a pretty gnarly accident. Guy, hellbent on still making their gig, gets the band to suck it up and rush to the bar, and it’s only once there that they realize they’ve been magically transported back to 1973! In fact, after they play their set, they realize they’ve accidentally been mistaken for the REAL Jabberwocky, who are (or WERE) about to play their first American gig, the one that started their success. This means that Knights of Britain have taken the real Jabberwocky’s place!

Of course everyone else is nervous about this, but Guy realizes this is his one and only real shot at becoming a rock star, and so convinces them to take advantage of the opportunity. The next thing you know, they’re recording Jabberwocky’s first album and living Jabberwocky’s success!

In the meantime, an angry Richie Loud, who’s convinced that these men stole his music, though he has no idea how, since he’s never played it before (At one point, he starts writing a song on Sunset Boulevard, only to hear it blasting out of a car radio seconds later), plots to expose Guy and his band of imposters to save Jabberwocky.

That job may take care of itself though since Jabberwocky only recorded one album. So when the media starts asking Guy and the others what’s next, Guy realizes there is no next. There are no more songs left to steal. Or are there? That’s when Guy formulates his ultimate plan, to steal every single great tune recorded after 1973 and make it a Swords of Britain song. Will he succeed? Or more importantly, will everyone else in Swords of Britain go along with it?

There’s no doubt this is a cool premise. And I’ll back this script all day for potential. But I had a lot of issues with it, and it will be interesting to see why others didn’t. As a reminder, I don’t check boxes when I read scripts. I first judge a script on how I feel while reading it. If I’m not feeling it, I go back and try to figure out why. In this case, the story felt like it was wandering. So I asked myself, “Why did it wander?” Did it wander because I lost interest in the story and therefore wasn’t fully paying attention? Did it wander because I never connected with the characters? Or did it wander because there was really something structurally wrong here? That’s not always an easy question to answer. The simple solution is to just slap a cliché screenplay analysis term on it (NO TICKING TIME BOMB!) and call it a day. But I always want to get to the heart of why something didn’t work, or else I don’t learn anything from it.

My first problem with Tribute? There was nothing FOR ME PERSONALLY that I hadn’t seen before. The tricky thing about any premise, particularly a high concept one, is that you have to give the audience what they’re expecting, but you have to do it in a better way than they’re expecting it. That’s what we writers do. We give you what you want but in a higher quality version of how you thought you’d get it. If the audience already knows exactly how everything goes down, why even show up? The problem with this is that each person brings a different depth of movie knowledge to the table. The more they know, the harder it is to give them something they weren’t expecting. I suspect that that’s part of the problem here. I’ve seen this all before.  However, someone who’s younger (and surely someone who’s read a few thousand less scripts) is going to be surprised more often, and therefore more likely to enjoy Tribute (and other films like it).

My second problem was – yes – the lack of a ticking time bomb. Everybody’s allowed their opinions on ticking clocks. There are some cases, particularly slow character driven indie-fare, where the artificial quality of a ticking time bomb does more harm to a story than good. But when it comes to high concept movies, especially high concept comedies, ticking time bombs are essential. You have to have one dominating your narrative, or else your story gets lost. The moment where this story lost me was after Swords of Britain recorded their first album and realized they didn’t have any music left. After that point I was like, “What now?” The finish line was nowhere to be seen. I had no idea what the goal was anymore (vaguely continue to try and be famous?). There was no indication of when the story would end. I felt lost.

I understand that the concept here is to see a band become successful, and that takes time, but when you’re talking about a movie, you have to find a way to bookend the journey. For example, maybe Jabberwocky’s history is that they first started to get popular in Los Angeles, but it wasn’t until they opened for the Stones at the Rose Bowl that they became national rock stars. Assuming this, you’d now have Swords Of Britain arrive in 1973 just like in the current script, accidentally steal Jabberwocky’s first gig, then begin to get famous in L.A. only (this way you can still have scenes of them experiencing success) and then place that Rose Bowl concert in three weeks. That then becomes your ticking time bomb. Your characters will have to make a choice by that night whether to play the concert (live a lie for the rest of their lives) or walk away (do what’s right).

Character-wise, Tribute was a mixed bag. Sam (the guitarist) was obviously the deepest character. I loved how he’d been trying to get Guy to listen to his demo. But after that, there’s less character depth than the Los Angeles Clippers’ bench. Our next deepest characters are Richie Loud, who’s relegated to solo scenes of being pissed off. And Tess the Weirdo Groupie, who’s actually a pretty sad and interesting character, but since she’s relegated to scenes with Richie, who’s number 3 on the depth chart, she never has a chance to shine.

And that was another problem I had – I was never sure who the main character was. Remember that whoever you introduce us to first in a screenplay, that’s who we assume is the main character. So for a long time, I thought Guy was the main character. But then Sam sort of emerged as the main character and Guy became this caricature of a man obsessed with fame. Then there are times when Richie could be interpreted as the main character. Yet just when you think that’s the case, he disappears for a few scenes. I don’t know. I couldn’t figure it out.

Now having said all these terrible things, I want to reiterate the strength of this concept and the strength of this story’s potential. You can see A-list comedy actors dying to play these roles (Jack Black alone is probably begging Charles and Michael for an audition). I’d just like to see a rewrite with a little more structure, some more character depth, and a few more surprises. I wish these guys luck. This could be a project to look out for.

Script Link: Tribute

[ ] What the hell did I just read?
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius

What I learned: A 118 page comedy equals a big no-no. You want to keep your comedies under 110 pages, unless you’re a known movie star or you already have ins in the industry (and even then, it’s not advised). I’m not saying 118 pages is bad because it’s 118 pages. I’m saying 118 pages is bad because it almost guarantees that a comedy will be unfocused and/or bloated. If you have a clear character goal, if you have a ticking time bomb, you can make sure that every single scene you write is necessary to tell the story. If you don’t (and as you can see, these were my issues with the script), you end up writing too many unnecessary scenes, which in turn bloats your screenplay up to 120 pages.