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Today we go racing back to Black List’s past to see if a forgotten screenplay can sneak its way back onto the Hollywood Highway.
Genre: Action/Romance/Drama
Premise: A high-speed chase on the streets of LA told through multiple points of view.
About: Iranian-born Massy Tadjedin penned today’s script, which landed on the 2007 Black List and was picked up by Dreamworks. Massy is a really good writer and has written such scripts as The Jacket and Last Night. Curious to see why this one was forgotten.
Writer: Massy Tadjedin
Details: 126 pages – March 23, 2007 draft
Scriptshadow suggestion: Will Smith for Jay?
I didn’t know what to expect when I picked up “Wednesday.” I knew I liked the writer but that’s all I had to go on. That and the script revolved around a car chase. That’s what interested me most. How do you make a car chase interesting for 120 minutes? And it was quite a departure from Massy’s last script – a slow-moving character piece about the temptations in our everyday relationships. To put it bluntly, the script’s existence didn’t make sense. Which is exactly why I wanted to read it!
And read it I did. To the tune of 45 pages of, “Are you f’ing kidding me? This is what this script’s about? A guy who robs a bank for $800 and the police chase him?” Even within the most lenient of critic’s circles, this seemed like a giant miscalculation. But this is why reading scripts is so fun. Because, sometimes, right when you think you’ve got it all figured out, something happens that changes it up again. Read on to find out more…
“Wednesday” introduces us to a bunch of characters right off the bat going through their morning routines, the most important of whom are Jay and Carrie. Jay looks down and out, a guy who’s at the end of his rope. He’s even got an infection in his right eye that’s bleeding. Never a good thing.
The perky 26 year-old Carrie, on the other hand, has her whole life ahead of her. She’s young and upbeat and happy. She’s got a big meeting today, something we get the feeling is going to change her life.
Oh, her life’s going to be changed all right, but not by that meeting.
Jay, whose disastrous existence we’re getting bits and pieces of along the way, appears to be the victim of a bad divorce. And now his ex-wife’s dating some slimy asshole who he doesn’t trust around his daughter. But there’s nothing he can do about it. He’s gotta suck it up and hope everything turns out all right.
But that doesn’t explain why Jay, all of a sudden, walks into a bank and steals $800. He runs outside, hops in his car, and makes an escape. As he pulls up to a light, Decker, an off-duty cop, spots him and thinks he’s up to something. But there’s only so much he can do as he doesn’t have the authority to follow Jay (for some unstated reason).
Still, he goes after him and Jay’s forced to ditch the car at a gas station where he finds none other than Carrie, innocently pumping gas. He throws her in her car and starts round 2 of this high speed pursuit. Carrie’s freaking out, naturally, and keeps trying to get away, but at a certain point, realizes they’re in this together until the end.
All of this was fine. Not good, not bad. Just fine – one of those scripts you try to tolerate and muscle through. That is until the twist comes. All of sudden, almost midway through the script, we cut to the day before, where we meet all of our characters again, this time, however, before they’ve gotten into this mess. Hmmm, wasn’t expecting that. All of a sudden, Wednesday got interesting.
It’s funny because everything just slooooowed down. We go from 60 to 0 within a few seconds. It’s here where we learn more about why Jay robbed the bank (he’s behind on child support), what Carrie’s big interview is tomorrow (she’s a writer who’s written her first novel) and why Decker’s been suspended.
With this new information, we see tomorrow’s chase through much different eyes. We now have WAY MORE sympathy for what Jay is doing, which throws the third act into another gear. Before we wanted Carrie to escape Jay. Now we want them to be together! But can a carjacker and his kidnapped victim really fall in love during a 12 hour car chase? That’s the question “Wednesday” asks.
Overall, Wednesday was a wild ride (yes, I went there). It’s interesting because I don’t think a movie’s been done about a city car chase yet, where that’s the entire movie. It happens so much out here you’d think they would’ve made a film about it. Maybe they did and it went straight to video, I don’t’ know.
But if someone were to make a movie about it, I think they’d do well by following Massy’s lead. You can’t fill up an entire 120 minutes with a car chase. You just can’t. We’ll get bored. So splitting things up so that we meet the characters before the chase started was a smart move.
It’s also another example of dramatic irony, which was a Scriptshadow Secrets obsession of mine – one of the easiest ways to pull an audience in. Once we jump back in time and are meeting our characters, all we’re thinking about it, “You guys don’t know it, but tomorrow you’re going to be involved in a 5-alarm car chase,” and that pulls us in in a way that introducing the characters’ lives first couldn’t have done. For example, one of the main characters dies in the chase. To see him alive again, not knowing that he’s going to be a goner in 24 hours, is captivating in the strangest way.
There were some problems with Wednesday though, some almost catastrophic. The script starts with a MASS INTRODUCE (this is when you introduce a bunch of characters all at once) and as we all know, if you don’t pull off the mass introduce perfectly, the reader can lose track of the characters quickly. You only get one shot to introduce your characters and if you don’t do it well, we might spend the rest of the script mistaking two key characters for each other, and if that happens, it’s practically impossible to enjoy the script.
Complicating things was the script killer move of giving key characters names that started with the same letter. We have three important characters here (all women) named Cynthia, Camille and Carry. What are the chances we’re going to keep all of these straight? Not good. But even worse when you’re coupling the names with a mass introduce. There are still people in this script who I’m not 100% sure they are who I think they are. And that stemmed from the sloppy opening.
And even with the snazzy twist in the story, it still doesn’t address the issue that for the first 45-50 pages we’re watching a chase happen between characters we don’t know or care about. Remember – it’s NEVER about the chase. It’s never about how creative or cool or unique or grand you can make the chase. It’s about the PEOPLE GETTING CHASED. If we don’t care about them, the chase is worthless – A rule that shined brightly in this script. I didn’t care about the chase for the first half, but cared deeply when we cut back to it in the final act.
What I’m happy about, however, is that Wednesday is different. It’s got something to it that’s a little bit unexpected, which is why it caught peoples’ eye. Never forget that. You always want to approach something slightly differently so your script has a fresh feel to it. Otherwise, your screenplay’s going to experience a head-on collision on the 405.
[ ] Wait for the rewrite
[ ] wasn’t for me
[x] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Beware the “Same Age Phenomenon” in your script. We all tend to write characters that are around our age. Not just for our leads, but for everyone. The real world is peppered with people from every age bracket, so this is not realistic. Outside of Carrie, every damn character here was “in their 40s.” Is there a single person in LA not in their 40s? I think so. Branch out. It’s okay to try other ages.
What I learned 2: With Wednesday, I realized how powerful the “reevaluation device” was when done right. Take us back to the characters before things got out of control and you can completely change/manipulate how we perceive those characters. This basically makes the final act (or whatever follows) a completely different movie. Not every story is going to be designed this way, of course, but it’s definitely an idea to play with if you want to shake your script up. Not everything has to be told in linear fashion.
What I learned 3: Is your script a tweener? – I think I know why this script was forgotten. It’s one of those tweeners. It doesn’t fit easily into any marketable genre. It’s not really an action film. It’s not a “romantic comedy on the run.” It’s not Crash. It’s sort of stuck in that netherworld, somewhere between all those genres. That’s the hard thing with scripts. They have to be different enough to catch people’s attention, but the same enough to justify a 50-70 million dollar marketing campaign.
Many time travel stories have contemplated going back in time and killing Hitler. This one tackles going back in time and saving him.
To submit your script for an Amateur Review, send it in PDF form, along with your title, genre, logline, and why I should read your script to Carsonreeves3@gmail.com. Keep in mind your script will be posted in the review (feel free to keep your identity and script title private by providing an alias and fake title). Also, it’s a good idea to resubmit every couple of weeks so that your submission stays near the top of the pile.
Genre: Sci-fi
Premise: (from me – not writer) In an alternate future where freedom is nonexistent, a young woman must recruit her time-travelling great grandfather to go back in time and save Hitler.
About: This one was referred highly to me from the same writer who referred “Rose In The Darkness,” so I was really excited to read it.
Writer: Jeffrey J. Marks
Details: 116 pages
So, um, like, when you live in the future, then travel back to the past, then contact your great uncle who’s originally from the future but currently resides in the present, to help you contact the alternate you in an alternate timeline who exists in both the past, present and future, you must kill yourself in all alternate and current time periods in order to free the world from the past, which is only a problem because of what someone did in the future.
Just like old Georgie Washington, I’m not gonna tell a lie. This script confused the living daylights out of me. I was desperate for Marty and Doc to come in, pause the screenplay, and engage in one of their classic time-travel exposition scenes so I could have some semblance of what was happening.
This is the risk you run when you write a complex time travel script (or really any complex plot). The second your reader can’t follow along anymore, your screenplay is finished. So you have to be careful. You have to do everything in your power to make sure that every potentially confusing plot development is easy for the reader to understand.
There’s some cool stuff in “The Great War,” no doubt. But it just became too hard to follow after awhile, and I was constantly forgetting what the ultimate goal was. You’ll probably pick up on some of that here in the synopsis.
It’s the year 2000. And there are flying cars everywhere.
Say what??
Yeah, that’s the first thing that threw me. Young Megan Wheeler is shocked when her bloody father stumbles into their apartment and tells her that everything she knows about the past is a lie and that she has to find her great grandfather (who’s only a couple of years older than her for some reason) and go back to the past to fix everything! Are you still following me?
Cut back to World War 1. We’re in the middle of one of those ugly trench battles where soldiers are shooting mustard gas at each other. It’s ugly. But ugly turns to bizarre when a Blackhawk helicopter appears out of nowhere and starts gunning everyone down, both the Germans AND the Allies. Equal opportunity killing!
The helicopter is being commanded by Colonel Jack Bowman, a guy who loves the smell of mustard gas in the morning. But the one who got him there is a geeky little guy named James Wheeler. Yes, Wheeler as in related to Megan! This guy invented time travel so that they could go back, kill Hitler, and prevent the Holocaust from ever happening. Not a bad idea.
Except Bowman has other plans once he gets a look the place. Oh sure, he kills Hitler all right. But then he takes his place, and creates a United World Front led by, well, HIM! And then his son. And then his grandson.
Flash back – err, I mean forward – to 2017, where Megan is now 28. She’s kept her promise and has been looking for Jim Wheeler for two decades now. And she’s found him. He works up in Wisconsin trying to create synthetic milk. She grabs a friend, heads up there, and confronts him, explaining that he (or some alternate-time version of him) created time travel and she needs him to bring her back in time I think so they can kill Bowman so he doesn’t rule the world for the next 100 years.
Wheeler doesn’t believe this chick and it doesn’t really matter anyway since a couple government dudes tell him he’s been transferred to a 500 story building where they produce water. Milk to water sounds like a major demotion. Bummer. But Megan doesn’t give up. Even though the evil government is after her, she gets to the water tower and makes a second plea to Wheeler, one he finally listens to.
The duo realize that if they have any shot at changing the past to change the future, they will need access to the since-thrown-in-a-museum Blackhawk helicopter that still secretly has a time machine on it. The only time that helicopter is going to be available is at the 100th Anniversary celebration of Unification, and that will be headed by President Jack Bowman III himself, making it nearly impossible to pull off their plan.
Did you get all that? Because I didn’t. I’ll say this. I have no doubt that Jeffrey himself knows what’s going on here. But I think he severely underestimates what we know.
Now if complexity was the only problem, I wouldn’t be so harsh. But there are numerous issues here, starting with the boring jobs Marks chose to give Wheeler. They didn’t have anything to do with anything, as far as I could tell. Putting one of your lead characters in a synesthetic milk manufacturer is so weird it’s practically begging for some major payoff. Like maybe cows are the key to time travel. I don’t know. But there wasn’t. There was no connection to the milk whatsoever.
Ditto with the water job. It was random. I kept waiting and waiting for something plot-related to come out of it. Like maybe Bowman was going to keep water from all the people unless they did what he wanted. But it never happened.
More concerning to me, though, was the deja-vu jailbreaking of Wheeler. We go through this whole thing of getting him out of the milk factory. But then he’s transferred over to a water factory and we have to go through the exact same thing all over again. It would be like in The Matrix if, after they snagged Neo and brought him onto the ship, they accidentally dropped him back into the Matrix and they had to start all over again, with us enduring a second 30 minutes of them looking for Keanu.
It was around that time that I just gave up. I was still reading but my concentration was sapped, especially when we started talking about alternate timelines and if the current versions of the characters would disappear if they successfully killed the previous versions of the bad guys. My mind didn’t want to go there. It hurt so bad.
I did think the 3rd act idea of going back to the past to SAVE Hitler in order to save the world was a clever one, but there were so many things to keep track of by that point that I couldn’t fully appreciate the irony.
If I were to boil my difficulty with this one down to a single word, that word would be: Confusion. I was constantly confused. That’s the big piece of advice I’d give to Jeffrey moving forward. Simplify the story and try to explain things a little clearer.
Script link: The Great War
[ ] Wait for the rewrite
[x] wasn’t for me
[ ] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: If any plot points in your script are taking a really long time to explain, that’s a sign they may be too complicated. Consider going with something simpler instead. This does NOT mean dumbing down your story. Quite the opposite. Clever story twists and big payoffs work mainly because the writer was able to convey all his plot points simply. It’s because we always understood what was going on that the twist (or unexpected plot development) worked so well.
What I learned 2: Stay away from this female character description: “Her tough exterior does little to mask her natural beauty.” I’ve read that description a billion times. It’s very generic. Go the extra mile and give your female character a unique description, something no one’s read before!
Let’s try not to be this guy.
Something that’s been working really well lately is including amateur screenplays in my weekly newsletter. The feedback has really helped me determine which scripts to review and raised the quality of Amateur Friday immensely. That’s not to say I don’t want to ever review a bad amateur script again. You can learn a lot from reading a bad screenplay. In fact, it’s one of the more underrated ways of improving your screenwriting. When you read something good, the screenwriting world is all roses and bunnies. Everything seems easy and it’s impossible to do wrong. But when you read something bad, you more easily identify similar mistakes in your own writing. “Ohhh,” you realize, “that’s why the love scene between my blind protagonist and his autistic boss doesn’t work.” It’s a chore to get through those scripts, I know, but I promise you’ll be a better writer for it.
The success of the amateur newsletter has given me all sorts of ideas on how to expand the hunt for material and continue to give writers more opportunities to break through. But it’s only going to work if you guys participate. So if you’re on the newsletter, take a minute and download the amateur scripts. Read until you get bored, whether that be on page 1 or page 120. Report back to me on what you thought and, if you stopped reading, why. You could be the person who notices a quality screenplay, resulting in a review, and maybe getting that writer noticed by the industry. You could make a difference! And I promise you, making a difference is one of the best feelings you can get in this business.
If it all works out, days like these will have even better scripts, since you won’t be picking from completely random screenplays, but rather screenplays that have already been approved by your peers! Now for you vets, you know how today works. For you newbies, I’m including the first ten pages of 10 amateur screenplays that have been submitted to me for Amateur Friday. Read anything that sounds interesting (or doesn’t) and share your opinions in the comments section. Any script that gets a fair share of positive feedback will probably get reviewed on the site. Enjoy!
Title: The Plea
Genre: Drama
Logline: Patrick McQuaid comes from a tough, working class, South Boston-Irish Catholic family. He finished at the top of his class in law school, recently passed his bar exam but has never tried a case. That changes when he takes an in-house counsel position at a Boston Free Clinic, where he has to defend an Iraqi vet suffering from PTSD, who’s on trial for the attempted murder of a Boston Police Officer.
Extra details: Included in my latest newsletter, some of you reported back that this one was pretty good.
Title: Thread
Genre: Crime/Musical
Logline: Set in a fictionalized Los Angeles, over run by a sprawling favela called “Paradise City,” Vale, a young man, joins Paradise’s notorious kidnapping gang to exact revenge on a system that failed him.
Extra details: A couple of people have told me that this one has something to it. Others have told me it’s unreadable. I like bizarre scripts that take chances. And we never have musicals on here. So even though I haven’t read it myself , I’d like to get more feedback on it. If this one’s good, it could be a fun one to review.
Title: Scion
Genre: Supernatural
Logline: A naive young man’s dreams of a normal life is hijacked by a charismatic “faith healer” and a powerful media tycoon when both become hell bent on exploiting the young man’s amazing gift…the power to raise the dead. — This one comes from a writer who’s optioned a couple of scripts but hasn’t yet broken through.
Extra details: Of all the amateur scripts I’ve sent out recently, this one is getting the best response. I’ve decided I’m already going to review it, but thought I’d put it up anyway to see what you guys think.
Title: Hamsters
Genre: British darkly-comedic caper-thriller.
Logline: A writer’s inadvertent bag-swap with a pair of BDSM aficionados, one of whom is a would-be blackmailer, leads to murder … and hamsters!
Extra details: I just had to give this one a shot because the author’s e-mail picture is actually him holding a hamster.
Title: The Great Belzoni
Genre: Historical Adventure
Logline: The Great Belzoni is based on the life of Giovanni Belzoni (1778-1823), a 6’8″ circus strongman who journeys to Egypt in 1815 and becomes the greatest buccaneer in the history of Archaeology. Using modern scientific methods, he robs the Pharaohs tombs and fills an entire wing of the British Museum.
Extra Details: From the writer on why you should read the script: “My inspiration for this script is Raiders of the Lost Ark. To me, it’s a perfect movie, one of the greats. I know everyone on Script Shadow loves it as well. But when I send the script out to Agents and Producers, all I hear is how much they like the writing but because it’s a period piece and they’re afraid to touch it. A period piece? Raiders, in case they forgot, was a period piece AND the greatest action movie ever made! — Even though The Great Belzoni is set in 1815 and is based on actual events, I tried to make it a slam-bang action movie in the pulp style of Raiders of the Lost Ark. It has bar fights, chase scenes (on land and water), shoot-outs, sword fights, duels, scientific displays, tomb openings, tomb robberies, warehouse robberies, treasure maps, dastardly villains, damsels in distress, friendships, love and the pursuit of immortality.
Title: The Life Intended
Genre: action/drama/fantasy
Logline: A wrongfully institutionalized teen and the father she never knew must navigate a cross-country road trip littered with assassins to pass on a supernatural family legacy and control of a billion dollar foundation.
Extra Details: Writer is moving his family to LA to pursue the dream. Now that’s putting it all on the line!
Title: Cow Cross Calling
Genre: Period/drama/action
Logline: A condemned-to-hang London thief discovers he has more in common with his enemies than his masters when he’s gang-pressed into a secret frontier war in early Australia.
Extra Details: I gave the writer notes on this one. Has one of the more gruesome opening scenes I’ve read!
Title: Aquaman: Redemption Hour
Genre: Action/Comedy (How can an Aquaman movie be anything BUT a comedy?)
Logline: Aquaman retires when he is fired from the Justice League for being a “lame superhero.” But when mankind’s safety is threatened by a natural disaster and a dangerous adversary, he is the world’s only hope. Unfortunately, he must battle his own insecurities first.
Extra Details: Included in the e-mail: “I think that you should read my script because it is basically the “Anti-Superhero-Movie” movie. It is inspired, funny, and unique. Where else would you find a script about a superhero who interrogates a shark, has a goldfish for a best friend, and kicks a dolphin’s ass?” This writer sounds funny. Interested to see if the script is the same.
Title: Princess Park
Genre: Drama
Logline: When a teenage girl claims the Virgin Mary is appearing to her in a Seattle park, a media circus ensues and the Vatican is compelled to send in an investigator to learn the truth.
Extra Details: Writer got a callback from Bruckheimer Films about TV ideas after reading the script.
Title: The Serial Killer’s Apprentice
Genre: Thriller
Logline: A terminally ill serial killer selects an apprentice to carry on his work. But when his protege spirals out of control and targets the mentor’s estranged daughter, the mentor must stop the monster he’s created.
Extra Details: Writer’s reason for us to read: “I think you should read THE SERIAL KILLER’S APPRENTICE because it has fascinating, unconventional characters, a unique sense of humor and compelling irony with resonating, universal themes of mortality and regret. It isn’t afraid to take risks which, in this day and age, is a breath of fresh air.”
Download these pages and tell me what you think. Also, if you’re one of these writers and your script doesn’t seem to be getting any mentions in the comments section, ask the community why. What is it that’s keeping them from reading or commenting on your script? This is probably the best way for all writers to learn what goes into the process of selection. Good luck. I hope we find something great! :)
This project is bursting with backstory to the point where you don’t know what to focus on. Maybe we’ll start here: Is “What Makes Sammy Run” the next Citizen Kane?
Genre: Comedy-Drama
Premise: In the 1930s, energizer-bunny producer Sammy Glick became one of the biggest producers in Hollywood. But even with all his success, he still had one thing missing – someone to understand him.
About: This one has an interesting backstory. The script is based on a 1940s novel by Budd Schulberg, who happened to be the screenwriter for 1954’s Oscar-winning screenplay, “On the Waterfront.” Now this is just hearsay, but the rumor is that Steven Spielberg acquired “Sammy” to make sure it never got turned into a movie because of its blatant racism towards Jews. Still, Ben Stiller became attached to star somehow and wrote the script with Jerry Stahl, the guy Stiller portrayed in the cult favorite, Permanent Midnight, which Stahl wrote. That was about Stahl’s $6000 a week heroin habit while he was a writer on NBC’s, “Alf.” This looks to be the final draft they turned into the studio, but for whatever reason, it never got made.
Writers: Ben Stiller & Jerry Stahl (based on the book by Budd Schulberg)
Details 3rd Draft (April 1st, 1998)
I don’t know what I expected when I opened this script. Actually, I do. I figured it was going to be some piece of trash that Stiller and Stahl belted out between projects. Not because I didn’t have faith in the two. From what little I know of their writing, both these guys are competent. But I figured, if it was forgotten, there was a probably a reason for that. The script wasn’t any good.
And that’s exactly how the script started. It was a mess! I know Stahl had a very public substance abuse problem and my guess is that most of that abuse took place during these first ten pages. We start in the 30s, flash-forward to the 90s, go back to the 30s, then flash back WITHIN the 30s. Oh, and not too long after, we find ourselves in 1965! What the hell??
However, once the story finds its bearings, it turns into this tragic strangely moving tale of a really lonely man. In fact, one might even compare it to Citizen Kane, which it seems the two writers (and author) were strongly influenced by. I’m not going to say anything crazy, like it’s as good as Citizen Kane. But it’s hard to read this and not be reminded of that film. So what’s it about?
Sammy Glick.
It’s New York, the 1930s. Radio was still cool. This is where we find producer/writer Sammy Glick. Sammy writes radio plays. Actually, he has his secretary ghost-write them for him. Sammy doesn’t need to write. Not when he has the gift of gab. And boy does he have that gift.
As we see early, this nobody 20-something radio writer cold-calls the biggest agent in LA and tells him he’s gotta a hot script for him. The writer of that script, a naïve young man named Julian Blumberg, is excited that someone – anyone – likes his screenplay, so he’s more than thrilled to have Sammy pitching it for him.
But Sammy’s plans aren’t exactly on the up-and-up, as his co-worker Al Manheim notices. Al is the opposite of Sammy. He’s a slow-talker. He stumbles over his words. He’s uncomfortable in social situations. If you would’ve put Al on the phone with that agent, he would’ve hyperventilated his way into a coma.
But Al, unlike Sammy, is actually a talented writer. Which is why it’s so ironic that Sammy’s the one jumping up the ranks. In fact, it isn’t long before Sammy moves out to California and starts producing movies. Nothing big. Not yet at least. But he’s starting to be a player. All because he can sell ice cubes in Alaska. He’s the stereotype slimy no-talent producer who makes everyone else do the work, then takes the credit in the end.
And that’s exactly what he does to poor Julian Blumberg. He steals his script and slaps his own name on it. The film is a hit and pretty soon Sammy is practically running a studio. In the meantime, poor Al, the guy who does things “right,” gets spit out of Hollywood faster than an A-cup porn actress, and resorts to drinking himself to sleep every night back in New York.
But all isn’t so bad for Al. Through Sammy, he meets the beautiful Kit, another talented writer, and she becomes his muse, inspiring him to write again. You may be able to figure out the rest for yourself, but in the end, it’s Al who finds his way to happiness and Sammy who realizes that while he has all of Hollywood in the palm of his hand, he hasn’t got a single friend to share it with.
Let’s jump right into it. Structurally, “Sammy” is messy. After the confusing time-jumping opening I mentioned above, we settle into some sort of rhythm, but this isn’t your typical screenplay with character goals and shit. It’s a tragedy. Which means we’re going to see our hero rise up. And then we’re going to see him fall. See that’s what you have to remember. In “happy” movies, the main character always overcomes his flaw. He changes. But in a tragedy, the flaw is never overcome, and ultimately does our character in.
Sammy’s flaw is that he only thinks of himself. He cheats and lies in order to get what he wants, regardless of who it hurts. Since he never learns to change this part of himself, he of course ends up sad and alone. Tragic indeed!
Hold up though. Let’s get back to those opening pages. How can they be such a mess and the writers get away with it? Not only are we needlessly jumping all over the place, Stiller and Stahl don’t do a very good job explaining who the characters are or what they do (I didn’t know if Al was a critic, an author, or a radio writer. At certain points he was all three). Well, they get to do this because they’re working with the producers. They’re hashing things out between drafts, explaining to them what they’re going to do next. Because of this, the producers have some context when they read the pages. You’re not talking to any producers as an unknown spec writer. So they don’t have that context. Which means you gotta be a lot clearer. Unfair? Yes. But that’s the way it is.
Another thing you gotta be clear about is your female lead. What almost never fails in signifying a good script is when a male writer cares about his female lead – actually takes the time to make her three-dimensional. Because nine times out of ten, a male writer won’t bother figuring out their female lead other than that she’s hot and maybe had a bad childhood. Here, Kit is a fully-formed character with her own goals (she’s trying to start a writer’s guild in Hollywood) and her own agenda.
But it didn’t stop there. The writers actually weaved this development into the storyline in an interesting way. As Al and Kit started to fall in love, Hollywood turns on Kit since she’s trying to form something that’s going to make all the rich guys less rich. Al finds that his opportunity for success may ride on whether he leaves Kit or not. And I found that a really compelling plot development! It just goes to show that when you take the time to make ALL of your characters interesting, you open up a lot more story options.
I started this one trying to keep my eyes open and ended it rubbing the tears out of those eyes. “Sammy” is a complex tale with an unorthodox structure that somehow comes together in the oddest way. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since.
[ ] Wait for the rewrite
[ ] wasn’t for me
[xx] worth the read
[ ] impressive
[ ] genius
What I learned: Transitions. High or low priority? I remember a writer once said to me that the most important thing about a screenplay are the transitions. You had to cleverly or seamlessly cut from one scene to the next. I didn’t know much about screenwriting at the time, but that seemed…I don’t know…dumb. I bring this up because Stiller and Stahl spend an inordinate amount of effort on the transitions. For example, we’ll cut from the loud obnoxious blowing of one’s nose to the loud obnoxious engines of a DC3. Look, that stuff is fun but it’s like number 300 on the priority list of things that need to work in a screenplay. Focus on a compelling story, great characters, sharp dialogue, high stakes, snappy pacing, etc., before you worry about how to dissolve from one scene to the next.
So I was cruising around the net last night and, lo and behold, I found myself a trailer for the next Star Trek movie, Star Trek Into Darkness. JJ continues to kick ass as this trailer basically has me clearing my schedule for the weekend of May 17th. But that’s not the important news here. The important news is, oh look, I just happen to break down JJ’s FIRST Star Trek film in my book! A perfect way to end Scriptshadow Secrets Book Release Week! To whet your appetite for the movie (and the book) check out the new trailer below.
For those hoping I’d just keep posting every single movie breakdown in the book, sadly this is where it ends. I’ve given you a peek behind the curtain, but you’ll have to pony up the price of the book for all 50 movie breakdowns (plus that amazing chapter at the beginning that tells you how to write a screenplay). I think the great thing about this book is that it’s often that ONE TIP, that ONE REALIZATION, that can change your entire approach to screenwriting, that can finally unlock all of your potential. I remember that happening when I learned about dramatic irony. With Scriptshadow Secrets, there are 500 chances of that happening. It’s like a Powerball lottery where the odds are actually IN your favor. So to me, buying this book is a no-brainer. I admit I’m a little bit biased but I really believe that! To summarize, Monday I gave you an excerpt from the first chapter of the book, breaking down screenplay structure. Tuesday I tickled your pirate bone (that sounds wrong) with Pirates of the Caribbean. Wednesday I went dark with tips from the Fargo screenplay. Yesterday I lightened things up with lessons learned from the greatest romantic comedy of all time. And today it’s all about the Star Trek.
I’m shooting for a hard copy release of December 20th so you can stuff your stockings with some Scriptshadow (that sounds wrong) but that’s assuming I hit no snags so I can’t guarantee that date. For that reason, it’s important to remember that you DON’T NEED A KINDLE OR AN IPAD to read the Scriptshadow Secrets e-book!!! Just download the free “Kindle App” here and read it right from your computer. 500 amazing screenwriting tips, folks. What are you waiting for!??
Excerpt from Scriptshadow Secrets…
STAR TREK
Written by: Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman (based on the television series by Gene Roddenberry)
Premise: A reboot of the famous franchise that takes us back to when a young Kirk and Spock first met.
About: Look who’s back! The amazing J.J.! Did you know Abrams wrote Regarding Henry, which snagged (at the time) the biggest movie star in the world, Harrison Ford? He pulled this off at the ripe old age of 24. My biggest accomplishment at 24 was learning how to do laundry. Still, when I heard Abrams was going to direct a Star Trek film, I thought, “Ehhhh, you may have gotten a little cocky there, fella.” The last four Star Trek films, in addition to being unwatchable, had grossed nine dollars and 16 cents at the box office. Even Trekkies were pissed! What could JJ possibly do to reinvigorate this dead franchise? I found out soon enough when the trailer of a young James Kirk driving his car off a cliff followed by an encounter with a robot cop lit my eyeballs on fire! I was in! It was a great lesson too, and a staple of Abrams’ success. Find a classic property/idea/genre and figure out a way to update it. All J.J. Abrams did was give Star Trek attitude, something it never had before. And VOILA, the franchise was reborn. Genius, this man is!
TIP 476 – No matter how huge your movie is, anchor it around a central relationship – Star Trek is a great big rock-em, sock-em summer blockbuster with space battles and planets exploding and time travel. All of that, however, is secondary to the relationship between Kirk and Spock. You have to focus on the relationships, guys! Trust me when I say they’re one of the most important parts of your screenplay!
TIP 477 – When you introduce a bad guy in an action movie, make sure to show us he’s bad right away – When we meet Nero, the first thing he does is plunge a spear into the Captain. That’s how you introduce a bad guy! (Don’t forget Darth Vader choking a man to death at the beginning of Star Wars as well).
TIP 478 – In action movies, take care of exposition while characters are on the move – Action films are kinetic and action-packed, so that’s where you have to deliver your exposition. When Kirk and Sulu are about to air jump down to the giant alien drill, Captain Pike is giving them the plan as they march through the ship. This is preferable to giving it while sitting down in an air-conditioned office. In fact, if there’s any scene in an action movie where your characters are sitting down and talking, there’s probably something wrong with your script.
TIP 479 – Popcorn movies live or die by their set pieces – You have to push the envelope with high concept set pieces because these are the scenes that’ll sell your movie. If they look exactly like every other action scene out there, nobody’s showing up to your film. Do something different with these big scenes! Air jumping down to a wobbly 40-mile long alien drill platform and then fighting the bad guys with swords…it’s safe to say I’ve never seen that before. Try to have three set pieces in your action flick that nobody’s seen.
TIP 480 – In an action movie, make sure your hero saves others at his own peril – This is your hero. Heroes need to be heroic, and they need to be heroic without thinking of themselves. This is why we love them! When Sulu falls off the edge of the alien drill, Kirk goes diving after him, risking his own life in the process.
TIP 481 – The bar for your script is higher than the bar for the latest Hollywood blockbuster – Star Trek escaped this fate, but a lot of big budget films have terrible screenplays. Look no further than the Transformers franchise. However, if you think the Transformers screenplays are the bar for your own scripts, think again. Those scripts are bad for a number of reasons, most of which revolve around too many cooks in the kitchen. The bar for your script is 50 times higher. It may not be fair, you may not understand why, but trust me on this: don’t use those films as the bar to beat. Write the greatest screenplay you’re capable of writing and let the rest take care of itself.
TIP 482 – Your villain can’t be bad just to be bad – A villain without a motivation is like a car without a steering wheel: Directionless. Trek’s villain, Nero, didn’t wake up one day and decide to hate the Federation. He hates them because they sat and watched his people die, doing nothing to help them. That’s why he’s waging war with the Federation.
TIP 483 – SHOW DON’T TELL ALERT – When Kirk meets Old Spock, instead of Spock giving us a long boring monologue about how he ended up here, he touches James’ head, allowing him to SEE what happened to him. Much more cinematic than gathering around the fireplace and hearing Spock tell a tale.
TIP 484 – Stop introducing new characters! Ahhhhhhh!!! – If you want to make a reader angry, introduce a LOT of characters. Readers hate lots of characters because it’s impossible to keep track of them all. If you’re writing for a pre-existing franchise, like Star Trek, where the character pool has already been established, then it’s okay. But in a spec script? I’m begging you: keep your character count as low as humanly possible.
TIP 485 – Bring characters back – Here’s a tip on how to eliminate characters. Instead of introducing yet another person, why not bring back someone from before? The dude who captures Kirk when he miraculously beams onto the Enterprise during warp speed is the same guy he fought in the opening bar scene. It means so much more to the reader because they know that guy.
TIP 486 – When characters fight, they should fight in UNIQUE STYLES that REFLECT WHO THEY ARE – Kirk fights like a street brawler. Spock’s moves are tactical and structured. This philosophy should extend to every aspect of your characters. Show them talking, walking, loving, arguing, all in their own unique way.
TIP 487 – The more intense the internal conflict, the more memorable the character – One of the reasons Spock has captured people’s imaginations for so long is that his internal struggle is so compelling: he’s constantly fighting between logic and emotion. Internal strife adds tons of weight to your characters (Michael Corleone goes through it. Luke goes through it in Empire and Jedi) so if it fits your hero and your story, make sure to include it!